Movie News

Quint thinks Shark Night 3D is cheesy, stupid and incredibly entertaining.

Published at: Sept. 2, 2011, 6:17 a.m. CST

 

 

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Like a great many of you when I found out Shark Night 3D was in fact a PG-13 movie my interest in what should have been a fun, over-the-top gorefest went from high to low in the blink of an eye.

In fact, I almost decided against seeing the movie despite my seemingly built-in curiosity about any and all Jaws rip-off movies, but I was convinced by a group of friends to go catch the movie at its midnight showing.

Twenty minutes in and I was regretting this decision. Immensely. Flat dialogue spewed out by models instead of actors, cookie-cutter characters (you could tell that the one hot dude was a book nerd because he wore glasses) and a slight undercurrent of racism (the one black dude is friends with the nerdy white guy because he needs to keep his GPA up in order not to lose his sports scholarship) met my ears and a half-assed attempt at recreating the opening to Jaws met my eyes.

The guy below is the nerd, by the way. You can tell he’s now the hero because he’s not wearing glasses and took his shirt off.

 

 

Honestly, I kind of wanted out, but I also wanted to stick around and see if the fun would start kicking in with all the shark stuff. The fun started, alright, but it wasn’t the sharks that brought it… it was the crazy character work on top of the out-of-their-minds over the top ridiculousness of the later two thirds of the movie that made the rest of the movie worth it.

I could go into these moments in detail, but I won’t. It’s not that I’m overly concerned about spoiling these beats, really… it’s that I’m fairly confident you wouldn’t believe me if I accurately described some of the shit I saw. Especially the post credits sequence, which there really are no words for. But yes, you will kick yourself if you miss it, so stick around. You won't regret it.

A part of me wants to give full credit to the high entertainment factor to the creative team behind Shark Night 3D… it’s clear they all had a lot of fun making this movie… but the truth is this is kind of a shitty movie. If director David R. Ellis and writers Will Hayes and Jesse Studenberg can be given any credit it’s that they knew they had a stupid movie on their hands and they decided to embrace it instead of fight against it.

Even my uber-critical self will admit that they do some smart things with audience anticipation of certain genre tropes (especially when it comes to the dog in the flick), however on the whole even those doesn’t feel like their original intention to me, but something they rolled with as they realized they couldn’t show T&A or heavy gore.

Listen, the movie is heavily miscast with the exception of Sara Paxton as the adorable being of innocence in a tight bikini and Joshua Leonard as Red, the hillbilly with crazy cannibals teeth, filed to points. Everybody else in the movie is a stereotype of a stereotype of typical Hollywood horror casting.

I guess there wouldn’t be very much of a movie without a human threat since they didn’t go so far as to make these sharks able to walk on land (maybe they’re saving that for the sequel Shark Night 2: Rise of the Landsharks!), but they scary rednecks aren’t all that scary when they’re lead by one of the main characters from The O.C. Leonard, on the other hand, looks like a real person and gives his character so much flair that you’re onboard for the really stupid, stupid shit they do (and have to explain).

The premise is ridiculous, of course... sharks in a Louisiana lake as a good-looking college girl brings her good-looking friends out for a weekend of partying... but even more ridiculous is how they got there and even doubly more ridiculous is why they were brought there. It's a hat-trick of ridiculousness!

Sara Paxton has the right look… hot, but in a girl-next-door kind of way. Her performance here isn’t very strong, but that’s not her fault. As written, her character makes about as much sense as a dragon singing Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah to Betty White in a greasy diner (now where the hell’s THAT movie?!?) with an incredibly elaborate and exaggerated backstory exposition she has to spit out and little else for her to do except scream for her friends to get out of the water as they’re systematically eaten by various species of sharks.

 

 

I heavily urge you all to check out Ti West’s The Innkeepers, which also stars Paxton, to see just how wasted she is in this movie. Her character in The Innkeepers is nuanced, grounded, sweet and feisty all within a spooky little haunted hotel flick.

No such luck here, but on the creepy old man side of things she does spend half the movie wearing almost nothing. In fact, all the girls do. There’s even a scene of high drama as two girls get into a bit of a fight (again, a stupidly written awkward moment of drama) which would be unbearable if it wasn’t so funny that they were being all tough and serious while wearing the skimpiest bikinis you could imagine.

My buddy JC De Leon made a very accurate comment that I can not top, so I will quote him directly. “Shark Night 3D is both as good as I hoped it would be and as bad as I feared it would be.” That about sums up the movie for me, too.

However it’s hard to deny that the movie gets incredibly fun in much the same way that Alexandre Aja’s Piranha did. This one isn’t as consistent as Piranha was, at times coming off like one of those post-Scream pieces of pretty-people-getting-killed PG-13 shit, but when they decide to turn the Weirdness up to 11 the movie gets really, really entertaining. There’s a particular moment of a character taking a stand that makes fuck all sense, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel like standing up an applauding at the sheer lunacy of it.

The movie’s stupid. You already know that. Look at the poster! But the success of the film is that it maintains a high entertainment value with a sub-par script, underwear models instead of actors and sharks that look like a step above the Jaws hologram from Back to the Future II. Sometimes these movies just get drab and dull in their horribleness, but this one embraces the cheesiness and milks it for all it is worth.

-Eric Vespe
”Quint”
quint@aintitcool.com
Follow Me On Twitter

Readers Talkback

comments powered by Disqus
    + Expand All
  • Sept. 2, 2011, 6:30 a.m. CST

    sounds dumb

    by dznutzforu

    first

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 6:32 a.m. CST

    This is like a review by the Riddler.

    by David Cloverfield

    "It's fun,but I can't tell you why."The insane part: now i want to see it. Job well done Quint.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 6:35 a.m. CST

    3rd !

    by hesky75

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 6:41 a.m. CST

    david

    by Quint

    Yeah, I knew going in that it might not read well. I just can't in good conscience go into detail in just how batty this movie gets because the joy of discovery is the only thing that keeps this movie intriguing. Without knowing just how weird it gets moment to moment it's just a shitty exploitation movie.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 6:47 a.m. CST

    looks REALLY awful to me but

    by kanye west

    I do love bikinis so I'll go. I'll make sure I smoke a fat blunt first though. Wouldn't dare seeing this sober. It's really a shame that wasn't rated R. The studio really dropped the ball on this. Its kinda like hoping to see a Brianna Banks porn and finding out it's a softcore titty movie. Still alright but not the same.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 6:56 a.m. CST

    Just what I wanted to hear...

    by Andrew Coleman

    With a movie premise this well dumb it's good to see they had fun with it. I like when people take chances and have fun with things instead doing it by the numbers. Good stuff. I know a lot of people will hate on this movie but I might actually check it out for how crazy it is.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 6:58 a.m. CST

    Sara Paxton

    by jacksparness

    Agree with you on Innkeepers Quint. Good little haunted house flick that is brought up to scratch by her performance alone.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 7:02 a.m. CST

    Please let the landshark joke be true for the sequel

    by Clara Roberts

    I think I'd watch that movie. This one... not so much.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 7:14 a.m. CST

    samlicker81

    by Flibbertygibbet

    You just know the soundtrack would feature ZZ Top's "She got legs". And that, my friend, would put my arse in a seat.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 7:17 a.m. CST

    flibbertygibbet

    by Clara Roberts

    lol That and maybe "Running on Empty"... until the landshark gets a hold of someone.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 7:28 a.m. CST

    I'll rent the uncut blu-ray. Did Quint mention the 3D? How was that?

    by welcometothepartypal

    In the mean time, I've never heard of the Innkeepers. I'll seek it out based on the comments above.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 7:28 a.m. CST

    Chase scene with a landshark on a bicycle

    by Judge Dredds Dirty Undies

    make it happen!

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 7:31 a.m. CST

    BTW: A shark walking on land...

    by art123guy

    ...already happened in Sharktopus.

  • Awwww man!!

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:01 a.m. CST

    No tits, no point

    by BackwardGalaxy

    If you're going to be pretentious enough to embrace your own craptasticness, then you should at least pull no punches and show some nudity.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:15 a.m. CST

    Christ, even Deep Blue Sea was an R

    by Mugato5150

    I have no idea why but it was.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:18 a.m. CST

    Where is Landshark?

    by UltraTron

    Whoops. We'll be getting it soon. Gotta learn to shut up online

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:20 a.m. CST

    Chevy Chase will do the voice

    by UltraTron

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:26 a.m. CST

    Anybody know about The Wolverine being rewritten?

    by The Fuck

    Christopher McQuarrie's screenplay will end up assfucked by that low life Mark Bomback!

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:37 a.m. CST

    Damn, I was hoping for something like Piranha

    by Jaster Mareel

    Sounds like it kind of gets there at the end, but not with over the top gore and nudity, but with quirky characters and bizarre plot twists. SO NOT what i was looking for. Hmmmm.... I don't know if I can resist a 3D shark movie, even if it is PG-13. Let's keep in mind that Jaws was PG, though I think that was only possible by arm-twisting and ridiculous logic (nobody can recreate the events of Jaws in real-life, therefore toddlers can see it). My goal post for shark movies is automatically lower than it is for most films. For example, I really like Shark Attack 2 (all the others in that series are total garbage) and a STV one called "Red Water".

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:38 a.m. CST

    Art123guy

    by Flibbertygibbet

    Sharktopus was one of those films that you know you should stop watching, but can't drag your eyes away from. I mean, my knowldege of octopi species is limited, but exactly which type was it that when spliced with a shark, allowed it to roar and walk on land?

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:45 a.m. CST

    Fatal FLAW of all shark movies...

    by impossibledreamers

    If you don't go in, you won't get eaten. I couldn't stand Deep Blue Sea, simply because the premise was incredibly concocted and again - stay out of the damn water. But, of course they beat that issue but stranding the victims where they had no choice, but really - if anyone was smart (truly smart) don't isolate yourself in a smarter shark's backyard.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:45 a.m. CST

    So, it´s stupid but entertaining?

    by Ditko

    Good. Sounds like a rental to me. What a shitty review, Quint. Sorry.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:50 a.m. CST

    WANNA SNICKERS SHARK MOVIE.

    by vulturess

    those sharks creep me the fuck out. lol.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 9:18 a.m. CST

    I think I'll just stare at the above picture for 90 minutes instead...

    by Joaquin_Ondamoon

    ...because that is one fine posterior. Now I totally understand why the sharks want to eat her. They're just misunderstood.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 9:23 a.m. CST

    Quint, please at least help us calibrate our crazy meters, here.

    by spacehog

    When you say it's over-the-top ridiculous, are we talking ''the sharks turn out to be superintelligent aliens'' ridiculous, or just, like, ''the dog fights a shark and wins'' ridiculous? I know you don't want to spoil any of the craziness, but could you come up with an analogy?

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 9:35 a.m. CST

    spacehog

    by Flibbertygibbet

    I'll stick my neck out and suggest Quint's mention of a character who files his teeth comes into it in a bit of nutter-on-shark action. And I don't mean that in a fruity way. At least, I hope I don't...

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 9:45 a.m. CST

    AICN won't tell you this because Apollo 18 is paying the bills....

    by Jaster Mareel

    Just heard what the "twist" is on that movie and holy fucking SHIT is it fucking retarded! I could tell from the trailer that it was gonna be really bad but I thought the deal was some sort of space infection. Nope it's even DUMBER! They are attacked by creatures, but the nature of those creatures is so fucking flat-out stupid I have a hard time believing it was actually greenlit. Take your IQ, subtract 50 points, then say the first thing that pops into your mind and you'll get it. I mean, do little burrowing creatures, SOMETHING! Not this, NOT THIS!

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Racism?

    by fred

    Did you seriously say that?

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 9:57 a.m. CST

    wrath_of_fett

    by Flibbertygibbet

    Take your IQ, subtract 50 points, then say the first thing that pops into your mind and you'll get it

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 10 a.m. CST

    FUCK THIS MOVIE!

    by fat_rancor_keeper

    keeping in line with most aicn posters......I've decided to just blindly shit on this movie based on the little I know about it. I havent actually seen it and I'll likely never even see but still...FUCK THIS MOVIE! See now that's the type of honesty you just don't see on the internet.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 10 a.m. CST

    wrath_of_fett

    by Flibbertygibbet

    Take your IQ, subtract 50 points, then say the first thing that pops into your head and you'll get it

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 10:01 a.m. CST

    OK, nevermind...

    by Flibbertygibbet

    My machine's fucking me about.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 10:24 a.m. CST

    Untitled 3D Shark Attack Movie

    by D.Vader

    As cheesy as it is, I kinda like that title better.

  • Those things look so goofy I always wonder what an attack would look like.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 10:42 a.m. CST

    Taking my son to see it.

    by truenotes1

    He's 7, and goes batshit over sharks. Well most little boys go crazy over sharks, dinos, cowboys, etc. But everytime they played the trailer during shark week, Dad we've gotta go see that!" I told him it looks stupid. He doesnt care, he just wants to check it out. Plus as long as it has a variety of sharks(not just Great Whites) i'm content.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 11:06 a.m. CST

    Even Dumb Movies Should Have a Shred of Believability

    by Jack Desmondi

    The only shark that can survive in freshwater is the Bull Shark. No white shark. No tiger. No hammerhead. And the Bull shark is an aggressive species that attacks man. Why the hell they couldn't just have gone with a bunch of starving mad Bull sharks attacking pisses me off. This is just laziness.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 11:14 a.m. CST

    hopefully it isn't as bad as Piranha...god that movie was horrible

    by Waka_Flocka

    i like aja and i realise it was meant to be silly. but it was a pile of shit that didn't hit the right notes at all.

  • Silicon-based life-forms? The moon isn't dead, it's alive! And covered with baby moon-rocks! And they're hungry! It wouldn't be the first sci-fi story to feature living-rock aliens.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 11:34 a.m. CST

    PG-13??

    by DepressedDonkey

    Fuck. I was going to go see this movie for some laughs, gore and of course, boobs.... they just lost my $10.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 11:36 a.m. CST

    I'm saving my money for 'Shark Knight'

    by Grace_Panda

    in ye olde 3D!

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 11:40 a.m. CST

    killdeer1...its a salt water lake

    by Bouncy X

    Paxton was on Attack of the Show the other day and mentioned that. i have no clue if those actually exist but least they found an explanation for that part. lol

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 12:01 p.m. CST

    Salt water lake- " I have no clue if those actually exist..."

    by D.Vader

    Ahem. Salt Lake City.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 12:02 p.m. CST

    Lake Pontchartrain in Louisiana is a saltwater lake

    by D.Vader

    But technically its an estuary.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 12:07 p.m. CST

    Still waiting for a decent shark flick

    by Brody77

    I though Meg was the contender, but then they churned out all those blatant rip-off movies (including shark Attack 3: Megaladon starring BARROWMAN!!) so Steve Alten is sadly kidding himself if he thinks it'll get made by anyone decent, for a decent budget. (I'd give anything to be wrong on this) Is this flick gonna be released as an "unrated edition" later then? Cos if there's no tits & no bloodthirsty shark attacks, it's a waste of time.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 12:21 p.m. CST

    When I lived in Oregon, some time after Jaws

    by gotilk

    ....candygram...

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 12:25 p.m. CST

    The QUOTES thing hasn't been fixed yet?

    by gotilk

    Someone kick the webmaster awake. Anyway... I was saying. When I lived in Oregon, some time after Jaws was released, someone brought a dead shark from the coast and placed it on the shore of a popular lake where people loved to swim. Ended the swimming there for a while. AND I'd like the second the idea of Chevy doing the voice of a land shark for the sequel... ...candygram... Or the guy from Family Guy doing the effete shark voice. Ooh... i'm gonna eat you all up... I'm gonna eat them little legs.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 12:29 p.m. CST

    HATED Snakes On A Plane, but I thought David R. Ellis' Cellular

    by openthepodbaydoorshal

    was a nifty little B thriller. This could be good on a beer fueled Saturday night.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Sharks gotta eat.

    by SmokingRobot

    Shark haz a beer and cheets on his wife.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 1:46 p.m. CST

    Jaws ruined shark movies for me

    by IWasInJuniorHighDickhead

    by virtue of being awesome and by enhancing the shark's size. Where I swim, we have basking sharks. Completely harmless to humans but they have a bit of that 'dead eyed' look, and they can grow to forty feet plus. Underwater in the Welsh murk you will shit yourself if you see one of these glide by. Yet whenever i'm in waters that actually have maneaters, i'm always warned that i'm not taking the dangers seriously enough, cause they all look (relatively) small. <P> And now, when they try to portray sharks realistically, it isn't really scary. The Reef, the shark in that was nine or so feet? Not good if you're actually there and in the water with it, but on screen the tension isn't really there. The only way to get me is to go bigger, and that's always stupid (Megashark, Jaws 3 and 4, etc) cause it isn't vaguely realistic. Neither was Jaws, of course (25ft is basically unheard of, people have claimed that size and bigger but they're never independently verified), but it erred just on the side of realism. <P> Hmm, i'm wandering all over the place here.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 5:28 p.m. CST

    I'm not inherently against all PG-13 Horror

    by Kammich

    Because a lot of horror can still be well-made in the PG-13 format via things like suspense, performance, and ambience... ...however, this is a fucking shark movie. Its kind of insulting to genre fans to make an exploitation movie about shark attacks and make it PG-13. I'll be interested to see how much the box office differs between this and the R-rated "Piranha 3D," which I believe was fairly successful? I'd be willing to bet they don't differ a whole lot, or at least I hope they don't. Stupid studio heads depriving us of our titties and gory fleshy wounds.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 7:57 p.m. CST

    wrath_of_fett is right

    by Mugato5150

    I didn't see Apollo 18 but I read the spoilers for it and that sounds really retarded.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:19 p.m. CST

    - bible salesman -

    by dahveed1972

    BEWARE!

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Word was Daniel Day Lewis was up for the camp counselor role

    by Roger Moon

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 10:25 p.m. CST

    Jaws was rated PG. Guess it sucked.

    by OutsideChance

    I really don't understand the insistence of some people here that any movie not rated R is a failure.

  • Sept. 2, 2011, 11:11 p.m. CST

    Kind of missed the point there, outsidechance

    by Mugato5150

    It's a foregone conclusion that "Shark Night 3D" isn't going to have the same caliber of writing, acting and direction that Jaws has. All it seems to have going for it is blood and tits. Having it not be an R is undercutting its only selling point. Strange thing to have to explain.

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 5:50 a.m. CST

    GHOST SHARK 2: URBAN JAWS

    by thommcg

    Google it...

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 7:16 a.m. CST

    Fuck you Nordling where's our POTA review?

    by SpaghettiWall

    Nobody wants to see this shitty movie, or Apollo 18 which is going to flop harder than my sausage dick when I drop it on a hardwood table.

  • FUCK THIS SHIT

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 7:20 a.m. CST

    sweet = sweet ass

    by KilliK

    fucking edit.

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I'd probably watch it if it was R / Hard-R

    by NeonFrisbee

    I love dumb, exploitative shit, but pg-13? What's the point?

  • Movies like this need tits and gore, otherwise they're just watered-down, laboriously tongue-in-cheek pap.

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 9:14 a.m. CST

    PIRHANA 3D got it right.

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    It was by no means a very good movie, but it delivered on the exploitive stuff.

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 9:37 a.m. CST

    R or nothing

    by rollermonkey

    A movie like this must deliver full on nudity and gore or it is utterly pointless.

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 12:37 p.m. CST

    the_choppah

    by Brody77

    Wholeheartedly agree - you can't make an exploitation flick then rate it PG13 (or 12 for the UK)

  • Sept. 3, 2011, 7:06 p.m. CST

    @tigger_tales amen to that.

    by KilliK

  • Sept. 4, 2011, 3:07 a.m. CST

    let's see Quint...

    by ranma627

    No gore and no nudity. This is a Piranha wanna-be and it couldn't even deliver on what it clearly appears to be promising. What a waste of fucking time. I had to go see sneak into Final Destination 5 just to try and get my money's worth after wasting money on another shitty 3-D movie. Thankfully, FD5 delivered the goods. And the 3-D, which I normally despise, was pretty sweet.

  • Sept. 4, 2011, 6:54 a.m. CST

    Bad news for horror movies...

    by Arthur Jefferson

    Every genre-related film released during the past few weeks (SHARK NIGHT 3D, APOLLO 18, DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK, FINAL DESTINATION 5) has been a commercial flop. The only distributor likely to debut horror flicks will be Lionsgate, i.e. the inexpensive, direct-to-video pick-ups (by the way, the filmmakers NEVER profit from the "sale" of these movies. Creative bookkeeping. The After Dark Horrorfests are equally notorious; one producer's maiden film minted $6 million but the company insisted "We didn't even break even!" And Troma (nobody cares), they've always been thieves).

  • Sept. 4, 2011, 7:46 p.m. CST

    so it has Sharks in it?

    by abe

    Couldn't really tell if it actually has sharks in it from your sorry excuse for a movie review.

  • Sept. 4, 2011, 8:26 p.m. CST

    Jaws was PG bitches

    by MrD

    Yeah, I know, PG-13 didn't exist back then, but the point is the mother of all shark movies didn't need an R rating. Having just got back from SN3D, I can't say that it suffered for the rating - not like sharks are going to be tying people up and torturing them. Sure, there are a few obvious scenes that cry out for boob shots, but if your really that hard up for tits you might want to get a girlfriend (or Google). What hurts the movie is not the cheezy plot, acting or effects (and in my theater the 3D was very strong), because let's be real, we'd be disappointed if they were anything but. The problem is that there are too few characters, which means the kills are too few and far between. I have a particular weakness for shark horror, so I had a blast anyway, but unless you're willing to take 6 deaths over the final hour (one of which is almost off screen), you won't be missing much.

  • Sept. 4, 2011, 8:50 p.m. CST

    As mentioned above . . .

    by DrMorbius

    Yes, there are 'salt water lakes', we have one 2 hours east of San Diego . . .The Salton Sea. And the guy who said Final Destination 5 delivered the 'goods', was only half right. Nary a boob in sight. To be sure, there is blood and gore in SN3D, and for the Peter Griffin crowd . . . . . . some back/side boob, when 2 girls are putting their bikini tops on.Katherine McPhee from American Idol is one . . Also a scene for BSB, a nude male models rear in an art class.

  • Sept. 4, 2011, 9:18 p.m. CST

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2033553/Shark-kills-bodyboarder-crowded-Australian-beach.html

    by the_shitweasel_with_a_quizzical_brow

    Jesus, this is what it's about, real life too: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2033553/Shark-kills-bodyboarder-crowded-Australian-beach.html

  • Sept. 4, 2011, 9:38 p.m. CST

    Make UP YOUR MIND! Is he gonna shit? Or is he gonna kill us?

    by Cinemajerk

    First hes gonna shit....THEN hes gonna kill us. Ok. Kidding aside. WTF kind of review is this? You wont tell people what happens....NOT because you dont want to spoil anything...but because what happens is so bizzare you hardly believe it yourself? WTF??? Then why not TELL US? You pepper this review with how bad it is. How awful the acting. How it doesnt even have boobs and gore going for it. How cheesy the CG sharks were(no better than the hologram shark from BTF2). How horrible the acting is. But then say how fun it was???? I am sorry...this review blew. Were you trying to warn us NOT to waste our money and then at the same time telling people to waste their money because they had to see how weird it was....because you wont just tell them? What the hell kind of review is that? Did the studio pay you to endorse it, and the better part of you was trying to fight how you whored yourself out? This crapfest actually sounds worse than a made for the syfi channel monster movie. Please. Spare us the secrets and spill the beans on why this horrible movie was so entertainingly bad and mind fuckingly wierd. Seriously. If it's not about spoilers...just tell your readers and stop wasting peoples time with such lame vaugeness.

  • Sept. 5, 2011, 8:35 a.m. CST

    I saw this last night here is the tedious summary *SPOILERS*

    by OBESE_WAN_KENOBI

    Dumb college kids go to a lake house. Make sure to bring one stereotype of each. The Nerd, The Slutty chick, The Black athlete, The shy girl with a troubled past etc. Before kids get to lake house they make a pit stop, in which we get some bad foreshadowing as to who the real bad guys are. (Creepy Rednecks, who are about as creepy as your drunk uncle). Kids get to lake house, come across the sheriff who knows our shy girl with a troubled past, he seems nice... but we know what happens. The Black athlete decides to go water surfing or something dumb to get him in the water. Shark knocks him off his board, his friends driving the boat don't seem to concerned, see him swimming back to shore. Except... HE'S ONLY GOT ONE ARM! This is where it gets really dumb. The Nerdy Med School guy, dives back into the water to go and retrieve his arm. (Who does this guy think he is, Doogie Howser?). They then try and bring him back to a hospital, but a shark attacks the boat and eats the athletes fiancee' Everyone is back at house, and the athlete is losing blood (Which is important in the stupidity factor of the movie later on). The Creepy Rednecks show up and offer to bring a couple kids to land and call for a medi vac. Well the rednecks end up feeding the kids to the sharks while they film it. Back at the house, the black athlete regains consciousness, in what becomes the best part of the movie. He finds out his fiancee has been killed, and decides (with one arm) he is gonna get revenge by killing the shark. At this point he has probably lost 3 to 4 pints of blood, yet he still looks healthy and vibrant as ever. He makes a dumb speech in which he says "His fiancee was the only part of his life ho couldn't lose", in which I burst out laughing... Since he didn't have an arm at the time. He kills the shark with a spear, but it's a Hammerhead, not the same shark. Dun Dun Dunn! Sheriff Bad guy pays a visit and reveals he's in cahoots with the rednecks and the kidnap the Nerd and the Shy Girl. The Nerd is being held captive with Evil Sheriff, in which he reveals why he's killing dumb teenagers. They put the sharks in the lake. You see "20 million people watch shark week, and you can bet some of them would pay big money to watch the real stuff". Yes, it's that dumb. They are making their own faces of death videos with sharks and teens, and filming all of their homicidal evidence... which I thought might hurt them in court later on, but they didn't seem to concerned. Needless to say, they don't succeed, and Nerd guy and Shy girl prevail. There was also a plot point where Shy girl and the leader of the rednecks, who looked more like a A&F model than a redneck used to date, until she ran over his face with a boat motor. Yet, his scar is barely noticeable. Overall it wasn't the worst movie I've seen. But I've sat through most SyFy originals, so I knew I could handle this. I didn't have the fortitude to sit through the entire end credits sequence though. It's just bad... really bad.