Greetings! ScoreKeeper here to announce the ten winners of the Horner vs. Zimmer CD giveaway. I had entrants write up a play-by-play account of a musical battle between James Horner and Hans Zimmer. I then gathered all the entries declaring Horner the winner and all the entries who declared Zimmer the winner. I chose the best five from each pile and those ten will be receiving the 2-disc composer compilation CD of their winning composer courtesy of Silva Screen Records.
I've read them all and I'm ready to declare the winners.
First the winners of the James Horner CD are:
Eric Paul Erickson of Los Angeles, California
Dominic Dobrzensky of Vancouver, BC, Canada
Matt Holle of Monrovia, California
Jack Brown of Ada, Michigan
Adam Diviney of Boilingbrook, Illinois
My favorite of the bunch was written by Eric Paul Erickson:
As the family gathered around the radio, Father tuned in the dial, gently,
as he knew they couldn't afford to replace the dusty artifact in this
The antique crackled under the single dim eco friendly bulb that barely
illuminated the one room apartment. It swung back and forth, casting shadows
on images of Dora the Explorer products ripped from the pages of the Sears
catalogue, stuck to the walls in an effort to distract the children from
"Shh... It's on..."
"Welcome to Madison Square Garden and the main event!” the announcer
crooned. “In this corner, weighing in at two Oscars for a highly overrated
epic, and the musical master behind two of the best Star Trek films… James
The father looked down at his boy who had perked up at the mention of the
Roddenberry classic. The child was smiling, but after a moment his cheeks
drooped as he remembered when they lost the television. Up till then, they
had only gotten the local digital antennae channel- being unable to afford
even the cheapest digital cable package- and Star trek was one of the few
shows they could tune in on their set... until Father came home and silently
walked to the Walmart discount unit they had just finished paying for,
unplugged it and made his way from the home, his head hung in shame. Later
the children heard their parents fighting, but the description of a local
rest stop bathroom at midnight and the local police meant nothing to them.
"Live long..." the boy sniffed. “And prosper.”
"Shhhh... It's the Dark One," his sister said, her near future as a Saudi
Arabian sex slave not yet apparent to her.
"And in this corner, completely ignored by the Academy expect for the time
he had to play Elton John's bitch scoring The Lion King, the king of
Gotham... Hans Zimmer!"
The crowd on the radio went wild as the two men made their way toward the
center of the ring for their instructions from the thin referee. “No off
chords, historic melodic cribbing was forbidden... The usual rules.”
In the dim room Father rubbed his hands together, steadily, like he was
grinding away at a thought. Sweat appeared on his brow, barely registering
under the compact fluorescent bulb. In the corner his wife watched, trying
to dismiss what she saw, but in her soul she knew he had wagered. The
question was on whom and how long would it be until their next meal?
"Let's have a clean fight..." the referee growled. “And let’s stay off the
straight to videos, Horner.”
The bell rang. Father’s brow dropped to his hands. "Please..." he murmured.
“This is going to be quite the fight here at the Garden,” the announcer
said, audibly throwing back a drink “The fighters make their way around the
ring, checking each other out, measuring their opponent… oh, man, that
bourbon went down the wrong tube… Oh, there’s a jab by Zimmer. He slammed
Horner right in the face with his Crimson Tide suite. That woke up Horner.
He knows he’s in a fight now.”
The energy in the room jumped. Even Father couldn’t help but lean forward
from his self imposed moral exile. Both Brother and Sister scooted their way
toward the radio, like religious zealots lapping up right wing propaganda.
“Horner takes a step back, he’s coming back with something… it’s a
roundhouse, it’s…. it’s…. it’s… Krull! Zimmer looks dazed… he knows he’s
heard it, but can’t place it… He’s really confused… Oh, now Horner hit him
with Titanic! Right in the unexpecting gut! Zimmer didn’t see that coming!
That’s the only way the music form that movie will get to you anymore, when
you aren’t expecting it!”
Back when there was hope, Mother thought, looking at her balding husband as
he ran his hand through his thinning hair. She remembered the first time she
had heard the songs… they couldn’t afford to see the film, but they heard
the songs played on MTV over.. and over… and over… it had been a life time
“Zimmer is down on one knee… He’s stunned… the ref his heading over, Horner
isn’t backing off, is he taunting him? He is, he’s taunting Zimmer with the
score from Casper, a film Horner did during a weekend in Aspen with two
hookers and a half pound of peyote.”
Mother remembered the first time she did peyote. She had watched the songs
on MTV over and over and over.
“Holy comebacks, Batman, Zimmer is up off the canvas with a Dark Knight
upper cut. Horner stumbles back and tosses out his superhero epic The
Rocketeer…. Oh, but Zimmer knocks it aside like a southeast Asian child
laborer with True Romance.”
Father remembered his first time with a southeast Asian child laborer. Over
and over…and over.
“The enduring Tarantino cool factor will trump the Timothy Dalton Career
slide every time,” the announcer slurred, as he spilled his drink, the ice
dropping into his lap causing him to squeal.
Father hung his head. His whole life was a slide. From manager, to night
shift assistant manager. To intern. He wasn’t sure how it happened. But he
was sure he was the only 47 year-old intern in the city who paid to clean
“Horner is stunned. He’s just flailing wildly, pulling everything he can
from his monstrous library. There’s a block with a one two of Muppet
Treasure Island and was that… Bird on a Wire?”
A bird, the father thought. I could be free like a bird. If it hadn’t been
for that night after the bowling awards. She had looked great in those
leggings and high heels. Then nine months later. His hand ran over his head,
coming away with a handful.
“Zimmer is moving in for the kill. He’s hitting Horner left and right,
Inception, Gladiator… Inception, Gladiator. He’s dreaming and Tigers. Bam,
boom. Another layer and then it’s gunfights and homoerotic subtext.”
Father’s hands clenched. It was once in camp, almost 40 years ago. Why can’t
I forget Kevin?
“But wait, Horner is warming up, what’s he doing… he’s striking between the
two and hitting Zimmer right in the heart with American Tail. Even Zimmer
and his dark heart can’t take the cuteness. Zimmer is stumbling back, as
Horner pushed on with American Tail 2 Fievel goes West… oh no, it’s not as
strong, he pushes again, with the original! He almost lost it there! Even
the pro can go a little too far and do that unnecessary sequel.”
Sequels were Father’s problem. He could never stop at one. First it was one
drink, then two. A smack of heroin, then another. First a gay prostitute on
Santa Monica Blvd, then the boy toy center of attention at the gay
Republican’s Log Cabin True Blood party.
“Zimmer is down, he’s got one left in him, he’s rearing up, it’s Days of
Thunder! It’s heading right at Horner, and it disappears! Just like any Tom
Cruise performance it dissipated right before his eyes! Poof! Zimmer falls
back! One- Two- three! The ref holds up his hand, Zimmer is out! That’s it
Horner, with his extensive styles and body of work takes the belt!”
For a moment, the room was awash in the emotion. It was the joy of a
connected experience. That even in the direst of times, a downtrodden man
could always exchange a few words on the time they forgot about their
wretched lives for a few moments.
Father looked down at his hands. He tried to hide the shaking, but he had
reached the point of no return. “I’m going… I’m going to see a movie.”
“Daddy take us! Take us! We’ll sneak in so it doesn’t cost anything! Just
like last time.”
“It’s not that type of movie theatre kids. Don’t wait up.”
Mother watched as Father dragged himself out of the room. He looked back for
a moment and she caught his eye, devoid of any spark, except for an odd
almost disco-esque pump she thought she felt. Before she could even address
it, he was gone, the door latching behind him.
“Children, turn off the radio. Gather around, let mother tell you a story. A
fairy tale. A place where all political ideologies get together and it’s
truly about the best interests of the people…”
“Mommy, the landlord’s at the door again… he’s says the rent is due and he’s
got that look.”
OK… put on some Brian Tyler… he gets me going.”
The winners of the Hans Zimmer CD are:
Samuel Cline of Dallas, Texas
Brent Bowles of Virginia Beach, Virginia
Jimmy Juliano of Wauconda, Illinois
Mitchell Hall of Hornsby, NSW, Australia
Andrew Martin of Seattle, Washington
My favorite amongst the Zimmer winners was written by Jimmy Juliano:
We are coming to you LIVE from the O2 Arena in Prague to bring you the WAR OF THE SCORE. Tonight’s main event features Hans Zimmer and James Horner duking it out to determine which legendary film composer ultimately reigns supreme. There is the bell and we are underway...
Zimmer and Horner grapple in the middle of the ring. Horner reverses the grapple and locks Zimmer into the “Cocoon”, a move seemingly used over and over again by numerous other wrestlers, but for the record it began right here, folks. Zimmer begins to fall asleep - this match could be over in seconds! But wait, just as the “Cocoon” is about to crescendo Zimmer rises from his slumber. Zimmer throws Horner into the ropes and attacks with fury, unleashing the “Gladiator Medley”, a vicious combination of clotheslines and punches that sends Horner flying over the top rope onto the cold, hard steel below. Zimmer raises both arms to the crowd; how can you not be entertained by this display?
Horner struggles to his feet - wait, is he reaching underneath the mat? Yes, he is! Oh my God, Horner has some type of foreign object. Is that some type of necklace? What the hell is he doing with that? He can’t use that! Horner slides back into the ring with the necklace hidden from the referee. Zimmer goes back to work with furious kicks to Horner’s back, not allowing him to get up. Horner is “Discombobulated” by the blows - this is old fashioned wrestling with a familiarity to it! Zimmer knows how to get it done.
Horner makes it to his feet and shoves Zimmer into the referee. God almighty, the referee has been knocked unconscious! Horner sees his opportunity and punches Zimmer with the foreign object, knocking Zimmer to the mat. The necklace is now dangling from Horner’s hand....what exactly is that? Is that the, YES! It is the Heart of the Ocean! God in heaven, Horner has broken out the Heart of the Ocean! No man can contend with that; it is an unstoppable force! And now - that sick bastard - Horner is choking Zimmer with the Heart of the Ocean! Somebody stop this! Zimmer can’t breathe! Horner isn’t trying to hurt the man, he is trying to end his career! Ladies and gentleman, I am looking at the monitor, it is almost as if you are seeing the Heart of the Ocean in 3-D...Horner wants that damn necklace right in YOUR face in YOUR own living room! Zimmer is fading fast...Horner is a titanic opponent and no man can survive the Heart of the Ocean!
The ref crawls over and Horner tosses the Heart of the Ocean into the crowd - that will make a nice souvenir for a fan. Horner flips Zimmer over and goes for the pin - it is a slow count, the ref is pretty dazed. ONE, TWO, and....GOOD GOD!! Zimmer kicked out! Zimmer kicked out! He is on one knee, pumping his arms...and this sold-out crowd is in a frenzy! Business is about to pick up! Horner can’t believe it; he is flabbergasted! Look at him, he is trying to run like a scolded dog but Zimmer's got him with both hands, flinging Horner to the ground. Zimmer bounces off the ropes and drops the “Dead Man’s Chest”, a punishing knee to Horner’s sternum. The crowd is going ballistic! Zimmer pulls Horner to his feet and Horner is just standing there, dazed. Zimmer backs up - ready to charge - Horner is truly “Waiting for a Train” - Zimmer storms forward and unleashes a colossal blow that sends Horner crashing down. That lowered shoulder nearly sent Horner into another dimension completely!
Zimmer is climbing the top rope...he is going for it, his finishing move, the “Aggressive Expansion”. Zimmer flies off the top rope, arms and legs expanded, and hammers Horner with a lethal body splash. The crowd explode again - it is anarchy here in the O2 Arena! Zimmer goes for the pin...ONE, TWO, THREE! Yes, it is all over! Zimmer has won and is celebrating in the ring. Zimmer truly is the People’s Champion! Although Horner went for broke with the Heart of the Ocean, Zimmer never gave up and always had the people in his corner.
Wait a second...oh my God! Who is that? Is that? YES, that is James Cameron on his way to the ring with a steel chair. Zimmer doesn’t see him! But my God, does Cameron see Zimmer! Did Cameron just mouth, “I see you!” That sadistic bastard, he did! Cameron is right behind Zimmer! Zimmer turns and gets pasted with the chair right to the forehead! God in heaven, Zimmer is unconscious. Somebody get the paramedics in here! We need the EMTs! Cameron helps Horner to his feet and raises his arm. Zimmer may have won the match and the hearts of this capacity crowd...but Cameron and Horner have won the “War”.
Congratulations winners and thanks to everybody that entered. I'll be sending out the CDs in the next couple of days. Enjoy!
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