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Quint thinks Michael Bay minimized the stupid shit and maximized the cool-ass action shit in Transformers: Dark of the Moon!

Published at: June 28, 2011, 6:23 a.m. CST by quint

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with some thoughts on Michael Bay’s newest giant fucking robots movie, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Like anybody with more than one working sense I thought the last Transformers film was a giant trainwreck of bad ideas, trillions of pixels and a script so nonsensical that it’s amazing they were able to cut any two scenes together.

So, it may sound like faint praise to say that Dark of the Moon is a big step up from Transformers 2 and, to be honest, it kind of is… but the big difference is that I feel the second Transformers film didn’t succeed at what it was trying to do and Transformers 3 does. And that’s a big difference.

The plot is full of all kinds of character and story convenience… things happen just because, especially towards the end, when the Autobots disappear for huge stretches of time to give Sam Witwicky time to get into trouble just so they can come in at the last second and save the day.

Is it bad of me to acknowledge these conveniences and plot holes and still enjoy the movie? I suppose I should be tougher on this movie, but from beginning to end it feels like everybody involved was just having fun and trying to give you a fun time. None of that Autobots ghost shit from the second movie with the Optimus death fake-out… this is a pretty straightforward war story told on an epic scale in the way only Michael Bay can do it.

One thing that Bay did that really impressed me was he threw in a crazy amount of batshit weird characters, taking his casting of John Turturro in the first movie and multiplying it by four. Remember how Turturro seemed to be in another movie entirely in that first Transformers and how much fun that added to the experience? Now we have Ken Jeong, Alan Tudyk, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich on top of his bizarre character. All of them act like freaks, all of them play their parts like deranged inmates on PCP (with the exception of McDormand, who isn’t as nutso as the rest, but is still very odd in the film) and all of them make any scene not involving explosions, a million dollars worth of CGI or metal on metal robot fight scenes worth sitting through.

Oddly enough, the returning human characters are given little to nothing to do. I think Shia LaBeouf is a strong actor when he’s used well and is charming enough to coast through these bigger action films, but Sam isn’t given a lot to do other than look for a job and try to keep his new hot supermodel girlfriend from being crushed by alien robots. But next to Josh Duhamel’s Lennox Sam Witwicky is Hamlet. Duhamel is there to shout orders and run around and get dirty. All that stuff from the first movie about having a family that he only sees via webcam is just gone. He’s somehow both a Washington insider and a boots-on-the-ground active military man here and that’s it. That’s his character.

The plot is once again little more than an excuse for big action, which isn’t all that important to me since the action is good. Decepticons are on the run or in hiding, a new big super threat becomes apparent and the Autobots have to protect all of the earth from being destroyed in the process.

Coasting on these crazy character performances and some truly spectacular action, the new Transformers is a hard movie for me to really feel down on. More than anything it’s the sincere fun tone. I didn’t feel the authenticity in the second movie, but here it feels like Michael Bay tries a bit of restraint (from most accounts this was due to him filming in 3-D which slowed down his action a bit, giving it more geography and “Holy shit!” moments) and that really gives the film a balance I wasn’t expecting.

Now if only Ehren Kruger had spent a little more time on the characters this could be a movie that I could easily recommend as something more than just “better than the last two Transformers movies.” But the movie is what it is and me falling into the mixed positive on this kind of surprised me since I’m a grumpy old man about 3-D and thought Transformers 2 was a dull trainwreck.

The stupid shit is minimized, the cool-ass action shit is maximized, the 3-D is perhaps the best I’ve seen in this new explosion of the format, there’s a bizarre supporting character roster that I just loved and the rest was either inoffensive or a missed opportunity, not a slap in the face with giant Constructicon wrecking ball nuts like the last one.

Put that on the poster, Paramount. I double dog dare you!

But seriously, for all the weak characterization, plot holes and lazy convenience one thing you can not say about this film is that the money isn’t up on the screen. The scope on this is epic. The entire city of Chicago isn’t just the setting for the finale, but is pretty much a wrecked apocalyptic hellhole by the time the robots finish their brawl. The stakes are higher than ever and there was a real sense of a team working together to stop the baddies.

One of my favorite parts shows what a properly trained US army outfit could do to combat the robots without the aid of the Autobots. The human troops have one great moment to fight for their own world instead of just point lasers at the bad guys. In fact, I loved this aspect so much I’d love to see another Transformers movie where a badass Seal-like team are the main characters fighting in this war and we only see the Autobots come in and out every once in a while.

So there are my jumbled, super tired and probably incoherent thoughts. The flick’s certainly a big summer tentpole that cost the same (or less) than Green Lantern and has a scope about 300 times bigger. I ended up digging it and was pleasantly surprised to do so. Could it be super low expectations? Certainly. Could I be delirious from lots of travel and tons of work? Absolutely. Could the movie actually just be a good fun popcorn sci-fi action movie? Very well could be. Whatever the reasons, I had fun with it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to crash for a bit before putting the finishing touches on my epic Captain America set report. I leave you with a little bit of YouTube fun.

 

 

-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com
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Readers Talkback

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  • June 28, 2011, 6:29 a.m. CST

    Grimlock

    by mick vance

    Grimlock here to save universe!!

  • June 28, 2011, 6:30 a.m. CST

    still not watching it.

    by SonOfTorah

    bits of metal beating the crap out of each other for two hours? no. sorry.

  • June 28, 2011, 6:36 a.m. CST

    Watching it tonight....HIGH AS FUCK ON WEED!!!

    by Dr. Francis B. Gross

  • June 28, 2011, 6:37 a.m. CST

    THE POWER OF BAY COMPELS YOU

    by Darth Busey

  • June 28, 2011, 6:38 a.m. CST

    I REALLY THOUGHT THOSE CRAZY KIDS WERE GOING TO MAKE IT

    by Darth Busey

  • June 28, 2011, 6:48 a.m. CST

    The damn trailer, fire in space!?

    by Chunk88

    I'm sure this has come up before, but it drives me nuts. Shows fire in space at least 2 times. Yea....not possible

  • June 28, 2011, 6:48 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I'd hate this.

    by Chewtoy

    This reminds me way too much of the first Transformers film, where I'd hear how great it and the action in it was until I broke down and bought a ticket, only to loathe the film... And I didn't give a rat's ass about the property then or now. John Turturro's character was never fun. If that was multiplied by four, then the headline of your review is negated for me. If I don't like any of the characters, none of the situations move me, the plot insults my intelligence and the robots look like random bits of scrap metal then the action tends to be meaningless and boring to me no matter how insane it may be. Still, this'll be my only Transformers rant this time. I'm glad the people who like this franchise will have a good time with it.

  • June 28, 2011, 7:03 a.m. CST

    what happened to that MXCZ2000 "damn you Michael Bay" guy?

    by Grace_Panda

  • June 28, 2011, 7:08 a.m. CST

    "Oddly enough"?

    by catlettuce4

    The human characters were given nothing to do? Big surprise, what did they ever do? The military characters NEVER had a point or a purpose, even in the first film. One of my big problems with it was how many pointless characters were forced into the film. And speaking of the first, this one sounds easily as bad for all the same reasons. Glad I never saw the second the way you all talk about it. And just because the second was horrible doesn't mean this one is good, please remember that.

  • so how does that explain the good reviews for the Hangover? seems like it had nothing but stupid shit? and all of a sudden people hate ken jeong?

  • June 28, 2011, 7:23 a.m. CST

    people...its transformers

    by SupermanIsMyGod

    I love how people always use condescending phrases like "the plot is just an excuse for the action" as if this is supposed to be something more than a movie based on a cartoon that was itself created to sell toys. All that cartoon was was a half hour commercial for toys. What plot can there be? If you go to a movie called Transformers: Revenge of the Dark of the Fallen Moon expecting anything more than giant robot fighting, who's the real asshole? Hint: you

  • June 28, 2011, 7:26 a.m. CST

    Sounds like an honest review

    by justmyluck

    Bay improved a bit for TF3. It's like news of Christ walking the waters.

  • June 28, 2011, 7:33 a.m. CST

    And this is why I enjoy Quint's reviews. He's the most objective, professional

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    of this group. Even when he says it's good he gives reasons why it may be good such as low expectations after the last film. After seeing all the reviews it sounds like this film is good, but not great. Still, since my funds are limited, I'll save my movie money for Captain America, and Cowboys and Aliens.

  • June 28, 2011, 7:36 a.m. CST

    No consensus yet, but it's 48% on RT

    by justmyluck

    http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/transformers_dark_of_the_moon/ Plus, TF3 is 2 &1/2 hours...should we just show up 90 minutes late?

  • SO glad Mr. Bay has grown and developed as a film maker and artist. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! *gasp* AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!

  • June 28, 2011, 7:46 a.m. CST

    I really fucking hate Michael Bay. Yes, I am a hater.

    by D Ropaela

    So don't go thinking I consider the term "hater" an insult. Pearl Harbor and Armageddon are two of the five or 10 worst movies I've ever seen. Their attempts at drama crack me the fuck up. Was Bay actually serious? I had to shut Bad Boys II off after about 45 minutes, it was so unbearable. I couldn't even enjoy it on an ironic, Hot Fuzz-inspired level. The first Transformers had its cool moments, but it was dumber than any member of the Palin/Heath gene pool, and I wouldn't even see Transformers 2 after hearing about how much screen time Car Car Binks received. The only Bay movies I kinda like are The Rock (which is saved by the actors and Bruckheimer's original gangsta coke fiend sensibilities) and Bad Boys (even though I haven't seen it since I was a teenager; lord knows what I'd think about it now). And yet ... here I am looking forward to dropping $30 on two tickets to see this shit in 3D. Keeping cameras relatively still in action scenes goes a long way for me, and damn it, I'm a sucker for disaster porn. Bay, you got me. Fuck me, you got me.

  • Jesus Fucking Christ, do people even understand the implications of what they write? Praise because there's less stupidity? What the fuck?

  • omg, Michael bay didn't write this?

  • June 28, 2011, 8:03 a.m. CST

    Shouldn't Kruger get some props for the Chicago action, then?

    by justmyluck

    I keep envisioning a box of TIDE detergent, except that it reads "BAY. New and improved and now in 3D!"

  • June 28, 2011, 8:10 a.m. CST

    Alan Tudyk is in this too?? Nice.

    by D.Vader

    One more reason to want to see it!

  • Because todd means death in german.

  • Saying it's better than 'Fallen' is like saying that mud tastes better than shit. Total Film gave a more unbiased review saying that the acting is awful - Rose Huntingdon Whitely apparently makes us all miss Megan Fox! ouch....

  • In that "this is the best one of the trilogy," or "this is SO much better than the last one" when really Revenge of the Sith is still a big pile of shit. I still can't watch that movie. I've tried and all I can see is the crap that annoys me. If it weren't for Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime, I think I'd give up on these movies as well.

  • June 28, 2011, 8:18 a.m. CST

    Weak writing, no character development..sounds like a winner.

    by alienindisguise

    If you're a goddamn moron.

  • June 28, 2011, 8:26 a.m. CST

    Transformers and characters

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Maybe Bay is trying to say that the humans act like robots and the robots actually have real emotions. Woah......man....deep.....

  • June 28, 2011, 8:42 a.m. CST

    Sorry, but after hearing you crap on Transformers for years

    by cookylamoo

    It's hard to take you guys seriously now.

  • We've seen that it's called Transformers 1 and Transformers 2.

  • June 28, 2011, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Any pissing robots?

    by Knobules

    Because I want to see someone spend 200 million bucks on a robot pissing. And millions of people are starving on this planet.

  • IN FILM HISTORY. Geezus

  • After Capone's Green Latern review I'd love to see what words he uses in his review. Especially after he did his breakdown on critic speak of how they get around a terrible movie. I can see the trend here.

  • June 28, 2011, 8:58 a.m. CST

    John Turturro's character was the WORST part of the first movie

    by ender988

    And now you're telling me they multiplied him by 4??? Greeeeeaaaatttt...

  • June 28, 2011, 9:07 a.m. CST

    So what is this movie's "robo-piss" or "robo-balls"?

    by spacehog

    Is there nothing? Nothing we will use as a dismissive shorthand when referring to this movie in the years to come?

  • June 28, 2011, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Eh...After this crap I dont expect a sequel.

    by doom master

    They do alot with this orgy....main characters die.... It gets to the point that you honestly have no expectation to see another one, simply because without these characters, there really is no story to continue. oh and umm... by the way, is it me, or have all three Transformers movies been about the same damn shit? Missing robot discovered = threat to humanity. First it was megtron, then Fallen, now Sentinel... Jesus....Not very original.

  • What's the matter? Are the "haterz" ruining your enjoyment of this stupid retard shitty movies, is that it?

  • June 28, 2011, 9:13 a.m. CST

    Ken Jeong... Comedy Death

    by Autodidact

    Christ, is that fucking guy in this movie? I really can't understand what people find funny about his performances. All I know is he pops up and all the director's cues are telling me to laugh but it's usually just Ken Jeong doing pointless improv (I hope nobody is writing that shit).

  • June 28, 2011, 9:15 a.m. CST

    I Was Hoping They'd Have Less Shots of Models SCREAMING

    by Autodidact

    While other models fire their guns at the big metal monsters that have not yet reacted to a single bullet in all their previous encounters.

  • Bullshit excuse to justify a bad movie. By the same token, good zombie movies should exist, like the Romero's Dead movies, because it's about walking dead. And we should only expect bad movies from a story about a guy who dresses as a bat and fights crime. GIVE ME A BREAK!! Bay's Transformers movies are not bad ebcause of the subject. They are shit because he's an incompetent filmmaker. That's how it is. A good filmmaker could make a good movie out of transformers without the need for shallow as excuses of "it's based on toys".

  • June 28, 2011, 9:26 a.m. CST

    Fool me 3 to 7 times, shame on me.

    by Keblar

  • June 28, 2011, 9:29 a.m. CST

    The new Johnny English trailer is out, and it looks hilarious!

    by DonkeyBalls

  • June 28, 2011, 9:35 a.m. CST

    I wary of the glowing reviews this is getting from AICN

    by Andy Pandy

    They did the same with Battle LA. But I expect TF3 will be the same, no story, lame characters, a few cool explosions.

  • June 28, 2011, 9:38 a.m. CST

    WATCHING IT HIGH ON WEED ASWELL LIKE SUPER HIGH

    by LUIS

  • June 28, 2011, 9:53 a.m. CST

    None of these reviews are 'glowing'.

    by blackwood

    Maybe the faint green patina of tarnished bronze. At best. The through-line is Micheal Bay improved. He went from a F to a D+, with the action and effects flirting with the B-to-A range. The (presently) 42% aggregate score is already a victory for this movie. I'll be surprised if it hits as low as REVENGE's 20%. So far consensus is it's over twice as good as the last film. I think I will check it out tomorrow at the earliest 3D matinee they have.

  • June 28, 2011, 10 a.m. CST

    Is This It?

    by kimsshawn

    Or is Transformers 4 on the way?

  • June 28, 2011, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Yeah, I won't be contributing to the DEATH OF CINEMA, thank you...

    by dasheight

    ...Michael Bay represents EVERYTHING I hate about what the majority of movies have become. Even though "Super 8" had its flaws, it was still the best time I've had at a summer movie in years - because I actually CARED about the people involved. Here's how to get the same feeling as watching a Michael Bay movie: Go to Youtube. Enter: BUILDING DEMOLITION VIDEOS Load up about ten of them. Then pull up a porn video. Turn up the volume on the porn and the building demolition videos to maximum. Put your face really close to your monitor for two hours while you play the videos at full volume... ...while bashing yourself in the head with a hammer. THERE. I JUST SAVED YOU $15.

  • June 28, 2011, 10:21 a.m. CST

    Blah

    by Cruizer Dave

    As a life long Transformers fan, let me just say that Bay has ruined this franchise for a generation. Instead of robots as characters and archetypes, we get films clear full of the stupidest humans you'd ever want to see on screen tying incomprehensible action scenes together with juvenile idiot humor and PG13 rated porn.

  • June 28, 2011, 10:23 a.m. CST

    Sorry but...

    by BlueHawaiiSurfer

    after seeing the fist two films if you REALLY think this is going to be great, if you REALLY feel like he will finally nail it, if you REALLY think things will be different...you haven't seen the work of the abortionist responsible for the first two films. Color it "2x better than the rest"...2x better than shit, just equals more shit.

  • June 28, 2011, 10:38 a.m. CST

    Bay ruin the franchise? Hasbro never had it so good!

    by CeejayNightwing

    Like sad Star Wars fans G1 fanboys may feel Bay raped their childhood and is the worst thing to happen to TF, but the reality is he's brought TF to a wider audience than the toys or cartoons every did and put more money in Hasbro's and Paramounts pocket than they've ever had. This movie is way better than the other two and will make even more money since the same moaning gits that didn't want to see the last two are the same moaning gits who won't be missed from the audiences around the world who simply want to see giant robots hitting each other and have a laugh and some thrills doing it!

  • June 28, 2011, 10:43 a.m. CST

    Battles between mechanical shit ...

    by Toe Jam

    "They always tear up a bunch of shit in them movies." Exact quote from my father-in-law upon seeing the "Transformers 3" trailer a few weeks back. Of course, he then proceeded to tell me he's very much looking forward to seeing the movie.

  • June 28, 2011, 11:17 a.m. CST

    The Death of Cinema

    by D.Vader

    Oh don't be so overdramatic. It's nothing of the sort whatsoever.

  • June 28, 2011, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Bay, you had thatchicken at 'used Cameron 3D Equipment'

    by THE_CHOPPAH

  • June 28, 2011, 11:37 a.m. CST

    It's SEAL not Seal

    by Riceball

    SEAL for Sea Air & Land not seal or Seal which is a marine pineped.

  • June 28, 2011, 11:52 a.m. CST

    More crazy characters...

    by J43

    The crazy characters in the last two annoyed the shit out of me. I don't need 4 more. This does remind me of when the first movie was released. All the reviews(except for Harry's, ironically) were great. Then the movie turned out to be a turd. I'm guessing this one is just like the first. Its fun in the theater, but has no replay value because the special effects don't impress the second time around and you're forced to focus on the story.

  • June 28, 2011, 11:58 a.m. CST

    I like Bay movies

    by SithAboveAll

    So STFU already. Not every movie needs a perfect story to enjoy.

  • June 28, 2011, 12:20 p.m. CST

    sithaboveall likes Bay movies

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    So STFU. Not every movie has to be GOOD. Apparently, you're not alone in your poor taste in films, sithaboveall.

  • June 28, 2011, 12:28 p.m. CST

    The hang over was a comdey Transformers is not

    by 2007

    no it's just a summer popcorn movie based on a toy commercial. what's hangovers excuse?

  • June 28, 2011, 12:29 p.m. CST

    if you WANT PLOT

    by 2007

    go watch Tree of Life. I hear there's lots.

  • June 28, 2011, 12:47 p.m. CST

    Could have used more Sinestro

    by Smartacus

    One Review to Rule Them All, One Review to Find Them. One Review on Ain't It Cool and in the Summer Bind Them (and by bind them I mean of course a penis in Harry's vagina) Holy Shit! Halleluiah! Seriously though, is it just me or are all the reviews of all the movies this summer just kind of blurring into one review that's the same every time we read it?

  • June 28, 2011, 12:54 p.m. CST

    Still worth seeing in 2d?

    by MoffatBabies

    Shut up.

  • June 28, 2011, 12:58 p.m. CST

    Tod' means death, not 'Todd

    by Batguy

  • Mark Kermode's review of this steaming turd is the best thing about Transformers

  • June 28, 2011, 1:19 p.m. CST

    put it all together mr bay FFS

    by eROKv

    i understand what people are saying - transformers isnt high shakespearean epic drama. but there are movies that have really good character development and absolutely no exploding robots from space. find someone that can do that, and let them help you make your exploding space robot soap opera complete. it shouldnt have to be either/or.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:25 p.m. CST

    How many EXORCIST references did Kermode work into his review?

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    The over/under is three.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:42 p.m. CST

    Michael Bay and action

    by Keith

    The thing I thought was really interesting about the first Transformers is that it highlighted the fact that Bay can actually assemble SOME non-action scenes with some competence (several of the sequences at the Witwicky house), but when it came to the action finale, the guy was clueless. Totally incoherent and unengaging. TF worked reasonably well as a romantic comedy, but didn't work at all as an action film. So: "this is a pretty straightforward war story told on an epic scale in the way only Michael Bay can do it" doesn't fill me with confidence.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:44 p.m. CST

    Choppah: Kermode and Exorcist

    by Keith

    It's kind of a running joke. Kermode is obsessed with The Exorcist: he considers it the greatest movie ever made. Mayo is always rolling his eyes at yet another mention of The Exorcist. Kermode is also obsessed with 3D - he hates it, and is IMO slightly blinkered in this hatred. I'm more con than pro, but it can be fun sometimes if used well.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Yeah, let's not get hyperbolic.

    by Orbots Commander

    TF3, though not my cup of tea, isn't the Death of Cinema or any such nonsense. It's just a disposable giant robots movie.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Everything is better when you're.....

    by Dr. Francis B. Gross

    HIGH AS A MOTHER FUCKER!!!

  • June 28, 2011, 1:53 p.m. CST

    That Youtube video is stupid.

    by UMAGA

    What the fuck are they talking about ballet for? Transformers isn't turn your brain off fun like Commando or something, it's your brain is going to melt at how retarded this shit is.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:56 p.m. CST

    TF3 would have been the most awesomest movie of all time if...

    by Dr. Francis B. Gross

    RYAN DUNN starred in it.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:56 p.m. CST

    Everyone is so angry and cynical nowadays...

    by googamooga

    Remember when you saw movies as a kid? Even if they were crap, you thought they were cool. I see the TF movies the same way. Yes, there are parts I wish were different, and yes, most of the humor is lame and misplaced, but dammit, it's live action TRANSFORMERS! I grew up as a child in the 70's, so maybe I'm a little older than some of the readers here, but as a kid I never thought I'd see anything other than a cartoon giant robot movie. My kids love the movies and look forward to each new chapter, and because of their excitment, I can overlook the crap.

  • June 28, 2011, 1:58 p.m. CST

    Have you ever wondered what Michael Bay looks like when he's totally naked?

    by Dr. Francis B. Gross

  • June 28, 2011, 2:16 p.m. CST

    Quint, you've been with AICN how long?

    by seasider

    and you couldn't at least come up with a title that didn't sound like it was typed by a 13 year old?

  • June 28, 2011, 2:46 p.m. CST

    Save your lame excuses...

    by Andrew Coleman

    googamooga now that you've put the gauntlet down you can't say ANYTHING negative about any summer movie. If it's all about just having fun then Green Lantern, Kung Fu Panda, Bad Teacher, etc. must all be good because you just sit back and have fun. Once you claim this defense you must stick to it. I for one will never ever forget how bad that second film was. It represented everything wrong in movies these days. It had no plot filled with "jokes" aimed at current trends and then overly racist and overly sexual jokes that I'm amazed anyone felt were funny. The reviews have essentially said: "It's the same thing but this time the last hour the action actually looks good on screen". That's nice it sounds like the last two with a minor upgrade. No thanks.

  • June 28, 2011, 2:58 p.m. CST

    It's nice to see a filmmaker learn from his mistakes

    by rev_skarekroe

    I'm still not going to go see the movie, though.

  • June 28, 2011, 3:25 p.m. CST

    You're wrong myphdisdoom

    by googamooga

    Just because my opinion differs from yours doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have one. I didn't love Green Lantern. Like most people I felt the Oa scenes were great, but everything on Earth was a snooze. I haven't seen either of the other two you listed, but my kids loved the first Kung Fu Panda. I choose to let certain things slide because I enjoy the action. John Turturro was horrible, the horny little robot was horrible, and the giant balls were just stupid, but most of the action was great, and when I go to see a Transformers movie, I want to see great action. I'm not as pretentiuos and cynical as some of the people here, is that a fault? Perhaps, but I spend time wtih my kids seeing films they (and occasionally I) enjoy.

  • June 28, 2011, 3:35 p.m. CST

    megatron

    by Paul

    id let him piss in my mouth for 2.5 hours

  • June 28, 2011, 3:40 p.m. CST

    bay

    by Paul

    anyone going to see this movie - and any other bay film - wants to see great action. thats been established. but wtf man, does the rest of the movie have to be complete dog shit? its just unfortunate...thats all.

  • June 28, 2011, 3:56 p.m. CST

    Roger Ebert's TF3 Review:

    by Dr. Francis B. Gross

    here: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110628/REVIEWS/110629981

  • I'm a genius!!!!! lol.

  • What? I could have been mean and said, "shut up and DIE."

  • June 28, 2011, 4:42 p.m. CST

    Only because she is drunk and out of work, though...

    by Boober

  • June 28, 2011, 5 p.m. CST

    "One thing that Bay did that really impressed me...

    by HollywoodHellraiser

    was he threw in a crazy amount of batshit weird characters, taking his casting of John Turturro in the first movie and multiplying it by four." WTF!?! Is that supposed to be some faint praise?! Really, Quint! You were impress by John Turturro? And now you're happy 3 new characters are written the same way??? Guys, if that statement doesn't tell you what kind of 'review' Quint is selling than you're blind!

  • June 28, 2011, 6:01 p.m. CST

    chunk88, fire in space? not possible?

    by series

    Aren't there stars?

  • June 28, 2011, 6:35 p.m. CST

    I work too damn hard for my money to give it up to stupid shit.

    by DOGSOUP

    I will never pay money for this. I'll just wait for Captain America to go to the movies.

  • June 28, 2011, 10:12 p.m. CST

    wow

    by DepressedDonkey

    I'm not saying this movie is a masterpiece... but goddamn... nothing ever pleases anybody on this website. Nothing. I really don't know why I come here, it's nothing but negativity, about fucking everything! What?! They didn't get a 300 muscle bound midget to play Wolverine? The wings aren't right on Caps Helmet. This isn't what I would do!!! And so on and so on... Go watch your fucking boring garbage like "The Tree of Life". Fuck.

  • June 29, 2011, 1:07 a.m. CST

    How can Bay make it better when he doesn't know what was bad

    by chien_sale

    about the second one?

  • June 29, 2011, 1:20 a.m. CST

    I actually thought TRANSFORMERS 2 was better than the first

    by ninpobugei

    Yes, I thought the second film was still pretty much big explosions with zero story (and lame, sophomoric humor and two dimensional cartoon characters that might have worked in an Eddie Murphy movie...and you could play a drinking game by every time someone said "Bring the rain"), but I still thought it was head and shoulders above the first film. The best part of the first was the opening scene with the helicopter transformer (and that, of course, was shown in the trailer). Otherwise, it was silly and one big mish mash of sight and sound.</p> <p> One brilliant reviewer here on AintItCool said (paraphrasing) the action scenes were like taking two cars, disassembling them into a thousand pieces, throwing them together and rolling them downhill while filming in close-up. I totally agreed then and now. The second film was exactly like what they're saying this one is...bigger, bolder, louder (i.e. more of the same, just...MORE of it).</p> <p> I will probably wait for Transformers III to come out on BluRay as I just can't justify paying even $9.50 for what passes for matinées anymore (and I sure as hell would not spend $18 to see it in faux IMAX 3D).

  • June 29, 2011, 1:46 a.m. CST

    WTF HAPPENED TO TALKBACKS??????

    by BRUTICUS

    Seriously? I have to click each subject to read it? That is fucking stupid.

  • ADHD = Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder OTT = [waaaaaay] over the top LCD = lowest common denominator and apparently proud to be that way. Absolute trash that disrespects its audience.

  • June 29, 2011, 10:22 p.m. CST

    in a little more detail:

    by golden tribw

    The action was numbing, and I don't mean in the good way. Boom boom boom for 90 minutes. A couple of really nice shots, good use of 3D, but OVERALL A TERRIBLE AND INSULTING MOVIE that condescends to its audience despite the fact that in THREE FUCKING HOURS it can't muster any evidence that it has two brain cells to rub together. Plot, politics, relationships, physics, simple logic, history, government disaster protocols, NOTHING IS SAFE FROM MICHAEL BAY'S EXPLODABLENDER. It all goes under the bus, and then the bus explodes, and then while exploding it morphs (ludicrously) into a 10-storey robot that fires exploding bullets from a giant exploding gun AND THEN THE WHOLE ROBOT EXPLODES TOO AND THE MOVIE'S OVER. Seriously I just don't have a coherent thought left. I feel truly dumber for having sat through DARK OF THE MOON. Even the few cool shots/scenes/stunts are completely eclipsed by the utter bollocks EXXXXXXXXXPLOOOOODING around them incessantly. Fuck Sam's parents. Fuck his mini 'urban' racist caricatures--sorry, guardian robots. Fuck his ex-girlfriend, and fuck his current one just as much. Fuck John Turturro's character, seriously fuck John Malkovich and Ken Jeong who didn't belong within a hundred miles of any part of this movie, and fuck Frances McDormand's silly character who's the head of national defence but ends up relaying barked commands from Turturro who's ... ummmm ... a former 'agent' of no particular rank. This movie is a train wreck. It didn't get written, it got blown up out of something better.

  • June 30, 2011, 12:21 a.m. CST

    Just got done with TF3, and I've lost faith in Quint

    by virgin_eyeballs

    Quint, your review left out two key words: BORING and OVERLONG. I think Bay listened too hard to his critics a little too much on this one and slowed everything down to a snail's pace. Of the four of us that went to see this movie, only I managed to stay awake the entire time. The pacing is TERRIBLE. I generally agree with Quint's take on things, but he is WAY off on this one. The last thing I expected was a snooze fest, and that's exactly what was delivered. Boring, overlong, and completely without a redeeming feature, other than a pretty cool shot of a dog about 2/3 of the way in to the movie.

  • June 30, 2011, 1:19 a.m. CST

    I take it back, there was one redeeming feature (minor spoiler)

    by virgin_eyeballs

    The shot of a Decepticon plane coming down on the space shuttle was pretty nice. 2 hours of that on a loop, throw in the shot of the irish hound for the climax, and TA-DA!! Better movie than TF3.

  • The movie opens opens 50 years ago, with voiceover describing the long, cataclysmic Cybertronian War between the Autobots and Decepticons that left the mechanical planet in ruins. A close up of Cybertron reveals multiple layers of metal plates stacked one upon another, instead of ground, with each plane saturated with a seemingly infinite number of robots in all shapes and sizes annihilating one another. In the midst of this planet-wide battle, a large starship is seen rocketing through gaps in all the metal plates, hotly pursued by twin fighters. The voiceover reveals the ship is the Autobot Ark, piloted by Sentinel Prime, the leader of the Autobots before Optimus Prime. Aubobot legend has it that Sentinel Prime made one last impossible gambit to win the Cybertronian War, by jetting the Autobots' most futuristic technology away from the battle in hopes of staging a counter attack against the Decepticons. But in this escape flight, the Ark was severely damaged and ricocheted into space, not to be heard from again. The Ark crash-lands on Earth's moon in 1961, with seemingly no survivors. Sentinel Prime locked himself into a vault on the ship, along with the Autobots' futuristic war-ending technology. NASA detects a crash of something large on the moon and immediately launches an investigation to determine what it could have been. President Kennedy ignites the space race to beat the Soviets to the moon. It's determined through the course of the movie that every US and USSR space effort between 1961 and 1972 involved recovering whatever was possible from the Ark's wreckage. Archival footage of Kennedy, Walter Cronkite, and also President Nixon is used in establishing shots showing the various US missions in the Apollo program -- and what they "really" were for. When Neil Armstrong lands on the moon and delivers his "one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind speech", people listening to the radio and watching TV believe there's a 20-something gap in the broadcast because of technical difficulties, but in reality ,NASA send Armstrong and his fellow astronaut into the Ark's wreckage for the first time, telling him that he has 20 minutes to explore it before he has to broadcast more for the American public back home. The astronauts enter the Ark and declare that everything inside is dead. They find the bodies of various Autobot robots, most still manning the gun turrets they were blasting before the ship crashed. Inside the cavernous wreck, the two humans seem tiny and begin scavenging for whatever technological bits and pieces they can take back to Earth with them. They do not discover the Ark's vault with Sentinel inside, but do find large metal faces, as they call them, which disturb NASA and necessitate the subsequent Apollo missions through 1972 to continue investigations of this crash site. The camera shows Sentinel Prime inside his vault, with just a bare flicker of blue Energon inside his eye...meaning, he is still alive, but very damaged...waiting. When the astronauts splash down in the Pacific with their haul from the moon, NASA takes special TOP SECRET silver boxes into possession containing this Cybertronian technology. Though not seen, it's implied the Soviets are doing the same thing whenever possible on their own missions...meaning Autobot technology arrived on Earth long before the events of the first Transformers film in 2007. The film picks up in present day with Sam Witcicky (Shia LaBeouf) now living in Washington, DC with a beautiful British-accented girlfriend named Carly Spencer (Rosie Huntington-Whitely). Carly bought Sam a giant plush rabbit for his luck to change in what's been a fruitless job search since his graduation from an unnamed Ivy League school. Sam can't find a job in the current economy, despite "having saved the world twice"...which is a fact no one outside the government supposedly knows, since the events of the previous two Transformers films have been exhaustively covered up by world governments. Sam is shown receiving a medal of thanks from President Obama in the Oval Office, in a rushed non-ceremony that took less than five seconds before he was shuffled off into a hallway, his proud parents Judy and Ron Witwicky (Julie White and Kevin Dunn) watching. Carly worked at the White House at the time, as a member of the British embassy assigned to a post there. Sam met Carly shortly after his medal non-ceremony, and the two bonded as Sam accidentally knocked over a historic crystal bowl that smashed in front of the two of them (causing embarrassment no doubt). Carly is now working as the curator for an extensive art and rare cars collection owned by billionaire Dylon Gould (Patrick Dempsey) and his company, which began as an accounting firm and now contains venture capital divisions too. Carly has been supporting Sam, and letting him live rent-free in the massive, ornate (but run-down) apartment in DC while he looks for jobs. Carly even gives Sam "lunch money" every day, which he resents, since in his opinion a guy who saved the world -- TWICE -- and has a presidential medal to prove it should not need to get lunch money from his girlfriend. Sam is without his friend Bumblebee since the Autobots have been deployed around the world hunting down the remaining Decepticons who still inhabit the Earth since the events of the last movie, Revenge of the Fallen. Around the world, "Energon Detectors" have been setup in all the major cities, which apparently have the ability to detect Transformers. Bumblebee is off on secret missions without Sam, and it seems the Autobots have little contact with Sam anymore...save for Wheelie (a toy truck) and Brains (a ghetto-voiced weird little robot that has white hair and never transforms) who live with Sam like pets. Sam keeps these two robots in a cage and makes them stay outside with his dog most of the time, which the two resent. We learn from the robots that Sam's last girlfriend (played by Megan Fox), was mean to them and that they're glad she's gone. This is a quick explanation why Fox is not in the movie and has been replaced by Carly (nodding to the reality that Fox alienated herself from Director Michael Bay and Producer Steven Speilberg and was not asked to return for this third film). Sam's parents, Ron and Judy, have been traveling the country in a suped-up bus with all the bells and whistles, and though they said they would be visiting him on the 21st of that month, they show up several weeks early...unannounced. They chide Sam for not having a job...and ridicule him that "his car" Bumblebee currently has a job while he doesn't. Sam tells his parents that he has many job interviews lined up, and they insist on driving him to them since his car is a piece of junk. Sam's mother has a profane way of putting things and is incredibly blunt. The two, in addition to Wheelie and Brains, are supposed to serve as comic relief interspersed throughout the film, as they believe Sam is a slacker and want to make sure he keeps ahold of his hot girlfriend Carly, since Judy especially doesn't believe Sam will "get a third one" like these in terms of girlfriend...especially without a job. While this is happening, the Autobots are off on various missions around the globe, hunting down Decepticons, and also looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction. There is a quick scene where they take down what appears to be the Iranian nuclear program, and another where the NEST agents from the previous films are working parallel to the Autobots to track other technological anomalies around the globe. In the Ukraine, there's something inside the ruins of Chernobyl that needs NEST's attention. NEST is the "international task force" that was setup in the first Transformers movie to work alongside the Autobots, and put these robots under human governmental control. Major Lennox (Josh Duhamel) is the returning NEST operative from previous films; he meets with a Ukrainian official about something alien the Soviets were monkeying with that caused the Chernobyl disaster in 1986. Lennox and his team suit up in their protective gear, since Chernobyl will be radioactive for another 20,000 years...the ruins of a merry-go-round, a school, and various Soviet monuments remain in the abandoned city. The Ukrainian official does not wear any protective gear, saying it doesn't matter because he will not live much longer anyway. He escorts Lennox and his team into a secret underground complex beneath a school in Chernobyl to show him what "really" caused the disaster there. The audience gets a glimpse of Laserbeak (now a weird vulture transformer) spying on the NEST team in the dark. It appears the Soviets recovered part of the Autobot Ark's engine, somehow, on various space missions in the late 1960s. After attempting to reverse-engineer the technology, the USSR thought it could power Chernobyl with this engine piece and attempted to bring the facility online in 1986...with the disastrous result of obliterating the city. The engine part has been sitting there since then, and the NEST team mounts an effort to remove it to Washington, DC for safekeeping. Suddely, a monstrous Decepticon drilling machine with massive tentacles bursts through the ground and attempts to steal the engine piece. Lennox and his team have to fight this beast until the Autobots arrive as reinforcements. The giant Decepticon looks like a sandworm from Dune or Beetlejuice, and has the ability to "swim" in and out of the earth, destroying buildings as it goes. Optimus Prime and a cadre of various Autobot sports cars arrive to fight this unnamed Decepticon...who ends up being just a minion of ShockWave, who maintains his iconic cyclops form from the 1980s cartoon (but oddly never transforms into anything during the movie). Shockwave is very quickly defeated as Optimus Prime uses the giant sword and axe he stores in the trailer part of his truck form to beat-up ShockWave. The Autobots recover the engine part and return to DC with NEST. Laserbeak finds the Ukrainian official that guided NEST to the engine part and assassinates him, telling the man he has outlived his usefullness to the Decepticons. Meanwhile, in Africa, Megatron has survived events from the last film and is tooling around the Serengeti as a massive Mad Max-inspired post-apocalyptic truck. His head is badly damaged and teems with robot spiders and mechanical flies. He is clearly more insane than ever, and has been gathering scrap metal to feed the collection of oddball Decepticons that remain with him (including one that's a giant head with a long metal long that dances around Megatron, for "comic relief" apparently). Soundwave is now a car-transformer of some sort, having abandoned the satellite form he took in the last film. Laserbeak arrives in Africa to report to Megatron on what happened at Chernobyl. Megatron then dispatches Laserbeack to assassinate other humans who have been helping Decepticons but are now no longer needed. Back in DC, Sam begins interviewing at various corporations, all of whom have something to do with the international relations/private-public partnerships field he got his Ivy League degree in. Because jobs are scarce and Sam has never worked anywhere before, he's not having any luck with his interviews. Many people have Googled Sam and refer to the FBI warrant that was issued for him in 2007 during the first film, which Sam has to explain as "a misunderstanding that's been expunged from his records". This is still keeping Sam from getting a job, so there's more complaint from him about having saved the world twice, without anything positive to show for it, like a job. Finally, Sam interviews with Bruce (John Malkovitch) at a global communications firm named Accuretta. This company is a tense and insane place to work, with each floor color-coded so that someone drinking a red cup on a "yellow floor" is disciplined for breaking the harmony of the office. Bruce is a real stickler for details like this, and seems like an ogre to work for. He tells Sam that he must start work in the mail room before he can do anything important, but Sam has a hard time accepting the demotion from world-saver to mail room boy. Bruce tells him that he received a letter of recommendation from someone on the Board of Directors so that Sam has a job there if he wants it. Without other prospects, Sam takes the job, but wonders who on the Board recommended him since he did not think anyone in high places was helping him find work. At the NEST headquarters in DC (hidden in what appears to be the Department of Health and Human Services), Optimus Prime is furious with the humans for not revealing the existence of the engine part recovered at Chernobyl. This is because Optimus was assured that humans had shared everything they knew about the Transformers with him. The Director of the National Security Agency, Charlotte Mearing (Frances McDormand), arrives to explain what happened and that even she was not aware of the engine piece until very recently, since it was beyond Top Secret. Buzz Aldrin makes a cameo as himself in a scene where he and other NASA officials brief Optimus on the crashed alien ship they discovered on the moon in the 1960s. Optimus realizes the ship is the Autobot Ark, containing Sentinel Prime and the technology the Autobots believe could have won them the Cybertronian Civil War if it hadn't disappeared 50 years ago. Plans are immediately launched to use the Autobots' spaceship to head to the moon and investigate the crash site to see if Sentinel Prime is still alive and if the technology is still in the vault. When the Autobots arrive, they indeed find Sentinel Prime, who appears almost dead. There are also 5 floating canisters of techonology floating around Sentinel that are brought back to Earth as well. Back at the NEST headquarters, Optimus uses the Matrox of Leadership inside his chest to revive Sentinel -- this is a small blue-energon-glowing object that Optimus can make float in the air outside his body. Exposition reveals it is the only thing in the universe that can give life to a Transformer and only Optimus has control of it. Sentinel reawakens and immediately tries to kill Optimus, thinking he was still on the Ark in the heat of battle when he was deactivated. Sentinel is voiced by Leonard Nimoy and is designed to look vaguely like him (when he does transform in this film, he takes on the shape of a fire truck). Sentinel tells Optimus and NEST that the technology he possessed were the "pillars" that would have won the Autobots the war because they are able to transport Transformers from one place to another...so Optimus deduces this could have been used to transport the Autobots from Cybertron before they were decimated, so they could have mounted a tactical retreat to regroup and take back the planet before the war was lost. Optimus is sad that he failed and the Decepticons defeated the Autobots, and offers to give up leadership to Sentinel. Sentinel however, says that he does not know enough about this world and that Optimus should remain the Autobots' leader, and that there was nothing Optimus could have done to win the war. While this reunion is happening and Sentinel is filling NEST in regarding the "pillars" and the advanced technology he designed, Sam is feeling threatened by Carly's very successful boss, Dylan Gould (Patrick Dempsey). Gould's offices are in a futuristic, gorgeous building (the location is actually the Milwaukee Museum of Art) where he keeps several gorgeous race cars in the lobby and all sorts of valuable art on the walls. There are also many photos of Gould and Carly prominently displayed, which Sam becomes very jealous of. Sam is there to pick Carly up from work as she does not have a car, but Sam's car is a broken down yellow hoopty that won't start. He's embarrassed when Gould catches him kicking his car to get the engine to work; Gould emasculates him by not only instantly fixing the engine, but also by telling Sam that HE was the Board Member of the Accuretta company that gave the job recommendation since he heard Sam was having trouble finding work. Sam thinks he should keep a closer eye on Carly since it's clear this very wealthy man Gould has designs on her. Seymour Simmons (John Turturro), the former government agent turned conspiracy buff in the last film, has written a book and is on Bill O'Reilly's FOX show talking about the danger to humanity that Decepticons pose, but O'Reilly calls him a pinhead and essentially says the Decepticons are under control. Simmons tells O'Reilly to read his book and learn that there is much that's not known about the Transformers that the government will not tell anyone about, including all manner of secret deals and assassinations and the rest of what's contained in various conspiracy books. Simmons is actually correct, because Laserbeak has been busy assassinating the humans who have been collaborating with the Decepticons. Sam begins working at Accuretta, in the mail room, and he's told that he must work there for two and a half years before he can be promoted to something more meaningful. He's dejected, but Carly comes to visit him and the whole office is impressed with his gorgeous girlfriend, including Bruce. Carly gives Sam a red cup full of red licorice as a first work day gift, even though Sam works on the "yellow floor" where only yellow cups are allowed. Because Carly is so beautiful, however, no one hassles Sam over this infraction. As Sam goes about his job, Jerry Wang (Ken Jeung from The Hangover and other movies) stalks Sam -- and it's not clear why, though it's implied Wang might have a crush on Sam. When Sam goes to the bathroom, Wang burts into the stall with Sam and the two have an uncomfortable bit where several gay jokes are made, with Wang calling himself "Deep Wang" and trying to explain he's making a 'Deep Throat" Watergate/conspiracy reference. Wang claims he has the secret intel on what the Decepticons are really up to and then drops his pants very close to Sam's face; Wang has hidden drawings and notes in a roll of papers that he kept inserted in his underwear so the Decepticons would never find it. He gives this to Sam by jamming it very close to Sam's face -- in a moment that's designed to make the audience groan and wince. Sam takes the papers from Wang, just as Bruce comes into the bathroom and notes the commotion going on in the stall. Wang then leaves the stall with his pants down and approaches Bruce and stares him down in a macho contest; normally Bruce is the alpha male in a room, but Wang clearly bests him. Sam leaves the stall also and it looks like Wang and Sam were doing something sexual in the bathroom together, but Bruce does not say anything about it. Sam then later tries to find Wang in his office to confront him about making Bruce think the two were up to something in the bathroom. Wang is having a conversation with someone, and has a computer mouse on his hand that's glowing red with nasty looking spikes. The mouse appears to be controlling him, and Wang keeps telling Sam to go away and that he doesn't know Sam. Finally, when Sam leaves, Laserbeak transforms from a computer screen and tells Wang that his usefulness has come to an end, and he must have an "accident". Wang tries to shoot Laserbeak, but Laserbeak just throws Wang and his chair out the window. Bruce is in a meeting and sees Wang fall to his death out the window, but reacts by telling everyone in the office to get back to work and ignore what's happening, since staring a the dead body will not bring Wang back to life. Bruce tells Sam he needs to remove Wang's name from his parking space and get someone to clean out his office, showing no concern for the fact that someone just died in the office. Laserbeak has now transformed into a copier/printer and is waiting for Sam to walk by so he can assassinate Sam too. Laserbeak misses Sam and there is a large fight at the office, which Sam escapes. Sam gets Carly and they try to force their way into NEST headquarters in DC at the Health and Human Services building. At first the guards give them a hard time, but Bumblebee shows up and vouches for Sam and he and Carly are allowed inside. There, Mearing is upset Sam and Carly are being allowed near all the government secrets, but Lennox says that Sam knows all about the Autobots and that Carly knows too, so they should have security clearance. Mearing sits down with Sam and Carly and tells the two of them that they can't be involved in what's going on, but Sam keeps insisting that humans are working for the Decepticons and that the whole thing is linked to Sentinel Prime somehow...that there's a big plot with Sentinel Prime being the key. Mearning interprets this to mean that the Decepticons are going to try to assassinate Sentinel Prime, and though she doesn't give Sam credit, she appears to mobilize her team to protect Sentinel. Sam then heads home, where he tries to contact Simmons to let him know the Decepticons are trying to kill him. Simmons' assistant, Alan Tudyk, won't put the call through at first, but eventually Sam talks to him and tells him about the "dark side of the moon" and the assassination conspiracy and Simmons agrees to come to Sam and help. Soon, Sam is in his apartment with Simmons and Bruce stops by because he wants to see at least one Autobot, and this was leverage Sam used to get Bruce to give him Wang's files, so they can figure out why Decepticons wanted to kill Sam, and killed Wang. Carly comes home as all these people are convened in her apartment and she's not happy. Sam gets upset that Gould has now given Carly a very expensive Mercedes car, worth over $200,000. The two of them have a little fight over this but Carly tells him not to be jealous. Carly goes upstairs while Sam and the other men there try to figure out what the Decepticons are up to since they don't believe Mearing and the government will be smart enough to stop them in time. They decide to go to follow a lead that Simmons has with former Soviet cosmonauts who defected in the 1970s and are hiding in the US, since the Soviets suddenly abandoned their space program and they need to know why. At a Russian bar somewhere, Simmons, Sam, and the other guys get into a fight with several women who work as bartenders or escorts there. Once the fighting is over, several former cosmonauts tell them that the Soviets sent an unmanned photographic robot to the moon that took pictures of strange "rock formations" that appeared to have tread marks near them. Sam realizes those were not rocks, but were instead hundreds if not thousands of "pillars". He deduces that the Decepticons knew where the Autobots' Ark was this whole time and that whatever they have been up to was NOT about finding out what was on the moon, but about keeping what was on the moon hidden. Sam figures out that all this time the Decepticons were using humans at NASA, in the Soviet space agency, and in private companies like Accuretta to prevent more space missions to the moon and to conceal the fact that the Autobot Ark was there...all the while the Decepticons had already found Sentinel Prime and the "pillar's and were up to something big and decades-in-the-planning. Sam and the other men decide to race to NEST headquarters to tell Mearing and the others there everything they've figured out. The Decepticons do try to go after Sentinel Prime, who was driving around DC as a fire truck for some reason. There is a pursuit, which Sam eventually takes part in, where three Decepticons disguised as black SUVs chase Sentinel back to NEST headquarters. Simmons is yanked out of his car and thrown onto the road, where he is crippled (he then remains in a wheelchair for the rest of the movie). One of the Decepticons looks like a panther in robot form, one looks like a werewolf, and one looks like the Predator, with dreds like that alien. There is a big fight and Sam is thrown out of Bumblebee and starts screaming, with Bumblebee catching him in the air and putting him back inside his body before transforming back into car form. This is really just an excuse to do special effects and have an action sequence here in the movie, with a lot of explosions and the chase scene back to NEST headquarters. When they get back to NEST, Sentinel Prime kills one of the Autobots who was guarding him and tells everyone that he has been working with the Decepticons the whole time. There are thousands of "pillars' hidden all around the planet, which the Decepticons plan to use to teleport Cybertron via a space bridge into Earth's atmosphere. Sentinel then admits he knew the war was lost on Cybertron so he negotiated a deal with Megatron to bring the pillars to Earth, set them up, and teleport Cybertron here so the Transformers could take all of Earth's resources and rebuild Cybertron together. This was a deal Sentinel made "to save our kind", since he saw that the Civil War between the Autobots and Decepticons had devastated Cybertron and brought them all close to destruction. A big fight ensues, with Sentinel then escaping...to presumably join the Decepticons to implement his master plan. Sam needs to find Carly, who has gone to meet with Gould at Gould's request, in his giant mansion somewhere. The car Gould gave Carly is actually Soundwave, who takes Carly prisoner so Gould can get Sam to cooperate. Gould reveals that his father was an agent of the Decepticons before him, and that the takeover of Earth has been underway for decades. Those who have been collaborating with the Decepticons have been promised a decent life once they took over. There is no way to resist them. Gould wants Sam to become a spy and find out how Optimus Prime plans on fighting back now that everything is coming out into the open. Gould says he will kill Carly if Sam does not cooperate, and also gets a wristwatch transformer to attach itself to Sam's body...which will force Sam to do what Gould wants, using great physical pain to achieve this. Meanwhile, Sentinel Prime takes to the airwaves ordering the nations of the world to expel the Autobot "rebels" from the planet or else the Decepticons will attack the main cities and kill many people. The US Congress votes quickly to boot the Autobots with the UN and other foolish bodies doing the same. The US government ends the NEST program and tells the Autobots to get on a shuttle and go to another planet. All of this happens with ridiculous speed, and Sam suddenly is in Florida where the last US space shuttle is attached to an Autobot spaceship so NASA can make sure the Autobots really leave. This ship is called the "Xanthion" and it has been built by Autobot NASCARs called "The Wreckers", who have British punk voices. Major Epps (Tyrese Gibson) from the previous movies has been in charge of getting the Autobots off the planet. Sam has an emotional moment with Optimus and Bumblebee before they board the ship to leave Earth. Once it blasts off, Starscream appears out of nowhere and attacks the shuttle, destroying it, and presumably killing everyone on board. Sam cries and Epps comforts him. The two of them decide they need to figure out where Sentinel Prime and the Decepticons have gone. Suddenly, Sam's phone rings and it's Gould, asking him what Optimus Prime told him regarding their plans to defeat the Decepticons. Sam tells him the Autobots had no plan and just left, but were then killed by Starscream. Gould then makes Sam feel worse by making it clear that Carly is his now and that Sam has to accept that. Epps realizes the NSA can track Gould's phone call, and they realize it came from within Trump Tower in Chicago...so everyone makes plans to go there. In Washington, DC, however, Sentinel Prime and Megatron meet at the Lincoln Memorial, which Megatron has repurposed for himself, smashing Lincoln out of his throne and taking it for himself. Sentinel then assembles some of the "pillars" to open a space bridge to the moon...where it is revealed many Decepticons have been hiding for 50 years. They all come through the space bridge along with giant Decepticon transport ships. Once they arrive on Earth, these robots scan various vehicles and take Earth disguises for their alternate forms...garbage trucks, police cars, fire engines, etc. The Decepticons decide to dead to Chicago to assemble the "pillars" into a giant system to teleport Cybertron to Earth...though there is no reason given why they need to do this in Chicago and not in DC, where they all are at the moment. In Chicago, Sentinel Prime takes over the Jeweler's Building on the Chicago River and makes it his headquarters. In one of the cupolas of this very ornate building, Sentinel hides the master control pillar that will activate all the other pillars around the globe that Decepticons will use to teleport Cybertron to Earth. There is a montage of Decepticons launching pillars into the air in the jungles of South America, Africa, Asia, and in cities like Tokyo. There are thousands of these pillars that will be launched into the atmosphere to make Sentinel's plan work. In Chicago, Sentinel gives the order for this all to proceed, and the Decepticons arrive in force to start shelling the various buildings of downtown Chicago, with most of the fighting taking place in the Loop and around the landmark buildings that face the river and the lake. Gould has Carly inside Trump Tower, and he explains to her that the Decepticons are going to use the 6 billion people of Earth as slaves to rebuild Cyberton with Earth's mineral resources. Gould tells her that he and the other collaborators have been helping so they can be kept as pets and not slaves, as this is the only way to survive. Gould wants Carly to be a pet with him and serve the Decepticons. Sam and Epps try to contact as many NEST members as possible and get them to Chicago. Apparently, all of these people have the ability to travel great distances in mere seconds so they all assemble on Chicago's south side and attempt to storm the city, which Decepticons have made into a fortress. The US air force is trying to shoot missiles at the Decepticons, but there are anti-aircraft hover guns that shoot these and the planes down. NEST decides to send Lennox and other operatives into Chicago via parachute, since the Decepticons apparently can't pick up these chutes on radar. While Sam and the others try to make it to Trump Tower on foot, Lennox and his team parachute in. These guys use Willis Tower (which you know as Sears Tower) as a shield and avoid various flying Decepticons as they make their way to the ground. All manner of random Decepticons are shown smashing the buildings of Chicago, with giant Decepticon troop ships flying in the air along the river randomly blowing holes in the buildings for no reason. Suddenly, all the pillars activate and Cybertron is teleported into Earth's atmosphere. Sam is now in the Loop with Epps and the others and everyone figures out that they must destroy the southeast cupola of the Jewelers' Building for the Cybertron teleportation to end. The last hour of the film deals with various attempts to do this, with Sam, Epps, Carly, and Lennox being pummeled by various random Decepticons. Ultimately, the sandworm drilling Decepticon from Chernobyl that's controlled by ShockWave arrives and destroys a glass office building that Sam and Carly were in -- for about 20 minutes the building is collapsing on itself or teetering over the river with unnamed Decepticons trying to kill Sam and Carly, while Lennox is on the ground attempting to get a clear shot of the cupola where Sentinel's control pillar is located. Finally, Sam and Carly and various NEST agents slide down the side of the building to escape Decepticons and ultimately make it onto the ground. During this fight, Laserbeak is killed when Sam and Carly jump onto a Decepticon flying gun ship and hover outside the building for a while, during which time Bumblebee cuts Laserbeak's head off. Lennox and his team climb to the top of the Tribune Tower and start shooting the eyes out of various Decepticons on the ground, who all shout "My eyes! I can't see!" as other NEST agents then plant explosives on the robots' feet to kill them. BumbleBee has been captured, and Sam and Carly are trying to find him in all the chaos of this battle. On Michigan Avenue in front of the Wrigley Building, Soundwave and Starscream decide to execute Autobot prisoners, including an Autobot inventor named Wheeljack who was made to look like Albert Einstein. Sam and Carly need to rescue BumbleBee before he is killed too, and they create a diversion as the NEST snipers shoot more Decepticon eyes out. Carly and Sam get separated again, with Carly eventually finding Megatron talking to himself in an alley while sitting on garbage dumpsters. She tells Megatron that he might be winning this battle but that in the end Sentinel Prime will be seen as the real winner, since it was his plan and when Cybertron gets there Sentinel will no longer need Megatron. This makes Megatron jealous and he storms away to kill Sentinel. Lennox and his team manage to shoot the southeastern cupola of the Jeweler's Building and disable the pillar that controls Cybertron's teleportation. When they do this, Cybertron disappears into space again. Sentinel then orders all Decepticons to fire on Autobots in the area so he can restart the teleporting. Gould gets to the pillar, which was completely undamanged, right as Sam makes it there himself. Gould and Sam fight, with Gould intending on restarting the teleportation. He pushes the button to start things up again and Cybertron appears once more above Earth, but then Sam pushes Gould into the pillar and he short-circuits it, killing Gould. Cybertron then implodes and is destroyed when all of the pillars stop operating and Earth is saved. All of a sudden, magic blue lights appear above Chicago that zap all of the Decepticon ships and many random Decepticons up into the sky so they are destroyed along with Cybertron. Possibly this is all the Decepticon forces that were teleported from the moon to Earth, and when the pillars stopped operating anything that had been teleported got destroyed because the Decepticons where were not teleported are not affected. Sentinel Prime and Optimus are having a fight on the State Street bridge over the Chicago River. They have a talk about Sentinel wanting to save their race and how the Transformers were gods on Cybertron but were treated as mere machines on Earth, and that humans should bow to them. Optimus tells Sentinel he is wrong but in the middle of the fight Megatron murders Sentinel. Then Megatron and Optimus start fighting and within a minute or two Optimus pulls out a giant axe and cuts Megatron's head off. All sorts of nasty little spiders and flies pour out. Chicago is in ruins and the Autobots and NEST agents celebrate the Decepticons being defeated. Sam and Carly hug each other, with Bumblebee watching them. Bumblebee then vomits little gears and bits of metal all over the ground, picking up a few pieces and giving them to Carly and Sam...before he starts playing wedding music. Sam tells Bumblebee to stop being so pushy and to let Carly and Sam's relationship continue without his prodding. The credits start to roll...but are then stopped with a shot of Simmons, in a wheelchair, talking to Mearing on the roof of a building somewhere, reminding her of an affair the two of them shared years ago. Mearing tells the NSA agents to arrest Simmons for disrespected her, and Simmons smiles at her, and she smiles back. The credits then continue again.

  • July 5, 2011, 11:22 p.m. CST

    you actually thought this was good ?????????

    by PRESIDENT BALTAR

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • July 11, 2011, 9:56 p.m. CST

    Decepticons = al Qaeda

    by cgh123

    This was shot way before they killed Osama. Megatron = Bin Laden. Brilliant!