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Sharksploitation has returned! Check out the first poster for Shark Night 3-D!
Ahoy, squirts! Quint here.
Post-Jaws' crazy worldwide success there were a hundred cheap knockoffs racing to cash in on the shark fever sweeping the world. Not just in America, either. Australia, Italy, the Philippines, Mexico... everywhere had their cheap shark movie.
And I love them all. None of them even come close to the greatness of Jaws, but from Blood Beach (whose tagline was "Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water... you can't get there!") to Great White they all make me smile no matter how crappy the shark looks or how bad the acting is.
That's why the upcoming Shark Night 3-D can't go wrong for me. Directed by David R. Ellis (of Final Destination 2 and Snakes on a Plane fame) and starring up and comers like Sara Paxton, who was fantastic in Ti West's The Innkeepers, this flick seems to be putting all its cards on the table with the poster, which premiered at IGN.
Sharks, teeny bikinis, screaming women... all in 3-D. If this one ends up half as fun as Piranha 3-D I'll be one happy sharksploitation nerd. Thoughts?
-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com
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Readers Talkback
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That is all.
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Water flicks... ain't nothing like a little blood in the water...
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Can't wait to check it out!
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...or is there anything more frightening than a shark hunting its prey? sh*t- even w/o a mouth full of razors it would still be scary as hell.
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Sharks are scary.
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May 23, 2011, 6:21 p.m. CST
I would kick that sharks ass! Amoeba's sharks for breakfast and shit parameciums
by Dirk_The_Amoeba
That shark can kiss my ass (if I had one) Nice knobbies on the chick
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May 23, 2011, 6:21 p.m. CST
Amoebas eat shraks for breakfast and shit and shit on parameciums
by Dirk_The_Amoeba
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But "Shark Night" is the most retarded title I've heard in a long time.
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May 23, 2011, 6:24 p.m. CST
I would fuck that shark up. He picked the wrong Amoeba to fuck with
by Dirk_The_Amoeba
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However - and I HATE to get on the anti-CGI bandwagon - the practical effect sharks were soooo much better than the CGI ones in that movie. They were, actually, quite incredible. Things had come such a long way since Jaws. Now, I look forward to this Shark night movie, but I hope they hire whoever did the practical effect sharks in Deep Blue, and avoid CGI as much as possible, if not all together. I know things continue to improve, but every CGI shark I can think of (D.B.S., Laura Croft, everything from Roger Corman in the last ten years) look like cartoons. People watch too much Discovery Channel to not know what a real shark looks like, and how they move in the water. It's like an uncanny valley for carnivorous fish (Uncanny Trench?) Really amazing looking rubber sharks, please.
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May 23, 2011, 6:25 p.m. CST
What would make this ad complete is a little fish in front of the girl's mouth.
by cookylamoo
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May 23, 2011, 6:34 p.m. CST
Jaws: The Revenge. The worst shark movie of all time. Not even syfy channel could produce a worst movie if they hired blind, retarded, syphlitic monkeys with a twitch, to write and direct it
by Dirk_The_Amoeba
This is unassailable truth
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Piranha 3D was the flick Snakes on a Plane wanted to be, looking over this guy's filmography, I don't feel like he has the understanding of B-movies to even be able to ape to low bar set by Piranha, but these kind of flicks are cheap and harmless, so I guess it doesn't matter either way.
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Another shark movie and we're supposed to think that's cool. You've gotta be shitting me. If you're over the age of 14, there is no friggin' way this is gonna make any kind of return. Who will see such a stupid retread of a film?
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Finding any that are worth a shit is a chore though. Deep Blue Sea is great and I'm still pissd they didn't do the sequel that was going to take place in a flooded L.A. How fucking awesome would that have been? Also really sucks that MEG never got made. Disney was developing it, then they olet their option lapse. Last I heard like 10 years ago the rights owners were trying to raise independant money to make it but I guess that never happened. Shark Attack and Shark Attack 3 are unmittigated garbage. Shark Attack 2 is actually not bad though. Red Water is pretty good too. Other than that, just a shit parade of really cheap garbage. Bring this shit on! I will be there opening day!
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May 23, 2011, 7:10 p.m. CST
this is cool if you're a braindead retarded 15 year old...
by alienindisguise
oh wait that's the key demographic for all this shitty fucking movies.
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I dunno. I think Jaws III was actually worse. That's a hard toss up. Jaws the Revenge at least had Michael Caine saying the line (to a grown man) "The world would be a better place if more boys danced with their mothers." Like, ewwwww. Who the hell wrote that? Norman Bates? Anyway, Jaws III had, I think, three kills throughout the whole movie. During the climax where the shark attacks the park attendees, the water is full of people, and he doesn't kill anybody. Just cuts a girls leg, and follows a bunch of water ski boats around. Lame. Then he attacks an underwater window, for no real reason, with the body of a person he ate twenty minutes earlier, still stuck in his mouth, holding a grenade. WTF? Sharks can get entire people stuck in their mouths? No, I have to vote Jaws III as worse than Jaws the Revenge. Not a great claim to fame, but still...
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May 23, 2011, 7:16 p.m. CST
Was this the movie they wanted to call (Untitled Shark Movie)
by Phategod100
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He just finished making a shark movie. OK, I'll go back in my wrestling-geek cave now.
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They should pan up so we can see the fish that she is about to gobble up. And it's mouth should be wide open in an apparent scream only to see that it is right about to devour a little worm on a hook - and the worm is also screaming with it mouth wide open, but in reality it is chowing down on some plankton. Screaming plankton.
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May 23, 2011, 7:34 p.m. CST
Jaws the Revenge is worst in my book because Lorraine Gary looked like the bottom of a shoe
by Dirk_The_Amoeba
That is an unassailable truth And the movie sucked too
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It'll still be a steaming pile of crap. The 3D in that movie was even worse than Clash of the Titans.
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Also, I prefer diarrhea over vomitting. Can't wait for Shark Night 3D, but what's going on with Russell Mulchahy's "Bait" movie? Sounds pretty similar to Shark Night.
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I'M PUMPED AS A DICK IN A PENIS PUMP!!! Ughhh uh ughhh OHHHH OOOO H O H OH OH OH YEAH!!!! uhhhghhhh.... f**k yeah...
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Wasn't Katherine McPhee on American Idol? Here ya go . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOTP3nq0MvE
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May 23, 2011, 8:06 p.m. CST
Jaws the Revenge for the win! But why do I feel like we have all lost?
by Dirk_The_Amoeba
Oh the pain, the pain
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How is the neck sucking biz treating you?
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Where ya been keepin' your one-celled aquatic parasitic protozoan ass ? Methinks you need to show that pussy shark a thing or two . . .
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May 23, 2011, 8:37 p.m. CST
The Uzbekistan mafia has been on my ass (if I had one), so I have been hiding out
by Dirk_The_Amoeba
Make one damn joke about how all the women in the 'stans look like yaks, and some people call a blood feud! Pussy ass shark better not show his face, or I will smack him into a can of tuna!
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Perfectly understandable.
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At least that is what they (the yaks) tell me
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Their theme song is . . . Yakkity Yak (Don't talk back)
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I have a bit of an issue with deep water, too. Deep water freaks me out. I have trouble swimming far from the shore in a lake. It gets... black, down there. If it's a nice day, you can sometimes see the sun cutting through the water in bright slashes that just... end. Like the bottom doesn't want them. And there you float, with your bare legs, dangling like heavy, hanging fruit, unobstructed, lit up by the sun, clear as day to anything -- literally anything -- that might be watching from the dark. Without warning, something, anything, could come from black and take you down. If it's there, under the water, it was born there, made for being there, and it can beat you, no matter how hard you try, no matter how good a swimmer you are. It breathes an element that you can't, but are completely immersed in. It has no natural predators. Nothing is going to save you from it. There is nothing you can do, except feel you feet slide down the warm of its gullet and the rows and rows of jagged teeth as its jaw chops down on you like a car falling, down to the crack of your bones, and you feel you legs snap OFF, off your body, ripped flesh and skin and tendons coming apart and they are gone, gone, down to it's belly and you know in the three terrible seconds before it happens that you will feel it's horrible mouth close down on your guts next, right in the middle, your intestines and your sex bits, gone, forever. Swallowed. Ugh. Although I do think sharksplotation is irresponsible. They should make it a monster, something prehistoric, but not SyFy. Sharks are a hugely, hugely important part of the ocean ecosystem and we have no business hunting them. Sharks are not mean. Everyone should watch SHARKWATER, which, aside from the somewhat obnoxious documentarian, is a great film about sharks. Not a scary-eaty film.
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Ergo, not even close to half as fun as "Piranha 3D", which wore its hard R like a badge of fucking honor and gave the people what it knew they wanted.
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Is that supposed to be a Great White or a Mako? The teeth look like a Mako's.
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PG-13 + shark attack movie = what's the point?
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Have read Meg and most of the sequels. I know Steve Alten is trying his hardest to raise funding for the film.
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not that I am trying to defend part 4.
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Jaws was only PG. Would have been PG-13 had the rating existed in the States, but it was only PG at the time of release. So, a PG-13 shark movie CAN be brilliant. Not saying that this will be, I'm just pointing out the possibility. I expect this will be typical, fun, shark movie crap. But I'm always willing to be surprised.
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I came here to comment about it being PG-13, but discogodfather beat me to that. lochkray, you're not wrong per say. Jaws, lets call it PG-13 by todays standards, was a suspense thriller with a killer shark. This looks like a flick with a B movie sensibility and seems closer in tone to Piranha 3D than Jaws, with that said I feel this movie could only benefit from an R rating and being able to revel in that rating and have a tone of fun.
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I should be a studio exec.
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Depending on their bite, you'd usually die instantly, crushed in the jaws or instant bleed out decompression that would render you unconscious before the first tooth bite. Of course, you'd still have to see that big fucker eating you, but then only until you stopped existing, and then those memories are gone too. Unless you think you'll be in Heaven, remembering the shark attack...which is a little weird.
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how many people show up at heavens gate screaming in pain only to come to the realization that they are dead? Man how embarrassing.
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This was 4 years ago when I was living in the West Indies. Just me and another surfer who was on the beach at the time.<p>It was a clear, calm, late afternoon... what you'd call a "sharky" day. I saw it swim underneath me, and immediately started to paddle for shore. Motherfucker poked, prodded and bit at my board for most of the 150 meter swim to the beach.</p><p>When I got to shore, I collapsed from exhaustion and puked my guts out in front of the other surfer I was with. He said I was screaming "Fucking shark!!!" the whole way in.</p><p>I still love swimming in the ocean , but now that shit's always going to be in the back of my mind. And I'll never surf without a dive knife.</p>
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Naw, half as good as Piranha 3D isn't really good enough for me. It will need to prettymuch be as good as Piranha 3D to be worthwhile in my book.
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After that, it's hard to take any regular old shark seriously.
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Been meaning to mention this for a long time. The new changes to Talk Back do NOT work on some smart phones. All you can see is the title. Anyone else miss the old talk back format where you could see the comment without having to click on it?
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There is some badass artwork on Miles Teves' site that I suspect was from pre production on Meg. I remembered reading about the project on here years ago and read the book synpopsis' on wikimedia with great amusement. Would love to see that shit get made into a movie.
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Jerry O'Connel was great in it, and his death scene will go down in film history. Bust the rest? Yawn.
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I hear Jason Eisener is contemplating a shark movie. The premise is amazing.
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