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Father Geek posts VERN'S infamous "OUTLAW AWARDS FOR MOVIES I'VE SEEN SINCE I GOT OUT OF PRISON"

Father Geek reporting with a story submitted to AICN by that bad boy film critic/reformed(?)hardass Vern. It seems that our favorite ex-jailbird has sent in his picks for best films of 1999, well at least those he's seen since he got out of the Big House. Normally Father Geek wouldn't print this kind of "FAN" list as a frontpage story (They're usually covered well enough in Talkbacks), but Vern brings a certain expert knowledge, an intimate understanding of the genre and a feeling for the characters to his choices that is not ordinarily(Is that a word?)available to you, our loyal readers. Sooooooooooooo without further adieu, here's what Vern sent me...

Several 1999 films and performers were honored January 8th in the first annual VERN'S motherfuckin OUTLAW AWARDS. The awards were presented by the unique internet film writer Vern, author of the weekly film and culture column VERN TELL'S IT LIKE IT IS.

Vern, who finished serving a sentence for armed robbery "and complications thereof" last August, cautions that his awards do not represent the entirety of 1999 - only "since I got out."

Director David Fincher's controversial thriller FIGHT CLUB took top honors, receiving the Best Picture Since I Got Out of Prison award as well as Outstanding Achievement in Fighting Dirty. The Wachowski Brothers's cyber-mindbender THE MATRIX also took home two Outlaws, for Best Badass, female (Carrie-Anne Moss) and Best Performance by a Non-Badass in a Badass Role (Keanu Reeves).

Other big winners include Steven Soderbergh's THE LIMEY (Best Picture - comedy, musical or Badass) and BLACK MASK (Best Picture - karate).

"This all went very fucking well in my opinion," said Vern. "I hope David Fincher, the limey, all these motherfuckers-- I hope these individuals are very, very fucking proud. To me, that would be the best thing, for them to be proud of it."

Complete list of winners:

Best Picture Since I Got Out of Prison: FIGHT CLUB, directed by David Fincher

Best Picture - comedy, musical or Badass: THE LIMEY

Best Picture - karate: BLACK MASK

Best Badass, female: Carrie-Anne Moss, THE MATRIX Honorable mention: Milla Jovovich, THE MESSENGER

Best Badass, male: Mel Gibson, PAYBACK

Best Performance by a Non-Badass in a Badass Role: Keanu Reeves, THE MATRIX

Best Performance by a Badass in a Non-Badass Role: Bruce Willis, THE SIXTH SENSE

Best Performance by a Supporting Badass: Ray Park, SLEEPY HOLLOW and STAR TREK [sic] Honorable mention: Gregg Henry, PAYBACK

Special Technical Award: Digital Versatile Disc (DVD)

Inspirational Catch by an Old Dude: Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones, ENTRAPMENT Honorable mention: Kevin Spacey and Mena Suvari, AMERICAN BEAUTY

Outstanding Achievement in Fighting Dirty: puking blood in a guy's face, Tyler Durden, FIGHT CLUB Honorable mention: executing a man for not having a lighter on him, Porter, PAYBACK

Outstanding Achievement in Running, foreign language: Lola, LOLA RENNT (RUN LOLA RUN)

Details of each award, a transcript of Vern's introductory comments and stunning new work by renowned visual samplist Walter Leno of Walter Leno Pop Designs can be found on the web at http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Veranda/3556/OutlawAwards.html ---

Catch you later...

VERN

Readers Talkback
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  • Jan. 10, 2000, 1:03 p.m. CST

    Look Out, Harry!

    by murph

    I'm thinkin' Vern will be replacing you for visits with Roger. "Two motherfuckin' thumbs up, fat boy, or else!"

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 1:17 p.m. CST

    I was amused.

    by r_dimitri22

    I concur regarding The Limey's degree of badass. This actually somewhat motivates me to see Black Mask and Payback.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 1:30 p.m. CST

    FIGHT CLUB?

    by DarkRealms

    FIGHT CLUB as best picture? Give me a break...at best, the movie was okay--at worst, it sucked. There are at least ten better movies out there this year than Fight Club--but this guys an ex-jailbird, so Fight Club probably had a particularly "autobigraphical" feel to it...

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 1:32 p.m. CST

    What!!!!!!!!!!!

    by Jonte

    Where were the "Most Non-Badass Supporting Performance by a Badass in Non-Badass Role"-award??? I want to know! Don't you? I thought so...

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 1:38 p.m. CST

    RE: DARK REALMS

    by Dodge Manhunter

    You are right. As a movie FIGHT CLUB sucked. I enjoyed it, but it is a piece of shit from a cinematographic point of view. It is a great product from a great director that it is a lousy filmmaker. But take it real: The OUTLAW AWARDS is not about quality. It is about "badassin" and fun violence and crime! It is a great concept. Just fun, no quality!!! Well, it works in this case... ---daviop@conex.com.br

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Harry, is posting this crap really necessary?

    by emorr

    Great, foulmouthed testoterone filled reviews. Just like any other 14 year old boy would love.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Slow News Day

    by smilin'jackruby

    Everybody send in y'er hoaxes.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 2:02 p.m. CST

    by Hotspur

    I agree with emorr. It this necessary ? What's next? Verns awards for "best movies I'll never get to see because I'll have to spend the rest of my miserable life in the slammer". I mean. Come on.....

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 2:08 p.m. CST

    What the...? Are you guys at AICN high?

    by Freebooter

    First off... this is just another attempt to create a lame ass "informant" or "reviewer," like Robogeek or any of the other countless thousand morons Harry acts like he has in his Rumor Web. Second... Father Geek, you've had such a hard-on for wanting to ban things/people/posts from these lists before... why not start with yourself? This whole bit is stale.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 2:25 p.m. CST

    Know What You Mean, smilin'jack

    by mrbeaks

    How long before we see a RAIN MAN 2 scoop?

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 2:32 p.m. CST

    Lighten up, Pisspants...

    by mynock1138

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Lighten up, Pisspants...

    by mynock1138

    ...this was actually pretty damn funny.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 2:53 p.m. CST

    Funny, but

    by Niiiice

    Not anything funnier than things about 15 talkbackers post every day...What gives this guy any credibility? This could have just been an extended post in one of those "top ten" list debates that were going on a week or so ago...

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 4:45 p.m. CST

    Milla Jovovich!!?!?!?!?!!??!

    by Gilda Mundson

    Carrie-Anne Moss was awesome, totally 'badass'. She could certainly kick my butt. But Milla Jovovich? Isn't there some unwritten societial law that once you are on the cover of Seventeen and/or Mademoiselle as a model (not an actress promoting a movie) that you are offically lose any rights to the title "badass"? I thought so. And she isn't even THAT pretty. (gorgeous eyes, okay lips, hideous nose and shitty haircut.)

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 5:19 p.m. CST

    Dude looks like a lady ...

    by IM Your Daddy

    . . . and talks like somebody's bitch - musta converted during his little stint cuz only reference to any women were 2 that acted like dudes. Mena & Zeta-Jones were even secondary to the dudes that got em. What about a "best lookin ass as it crawled under a laser-beam" award. . . or maybe "Most do-able Bond Babe since...since bond started do'in babes!" (no, not talking about Richards). Well, guess we should be glad Vernetta didnt see Any Given Sunday - woulda been some kinda "guy I'd like to soap-assist" award . . . Let's have another Badass list when he remembers where he left his balls.........

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 5:51 p.m. CST

    listen up, janeys

    by SmutGirl

    You do NOT want to be dissin' Vern in front of me. That's all I got to say.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 5:54 p.m. CST

    Don't mess with Vern

    by mccloud_69

    Vern is a righteous cat, and a personal friend of mine. I really don't appreciate some of the negativity coming from some of you geeks out there. I would like to vouch for Vern. He is the real deal and has been posting on newsgroups since he got out of the pen. Although we do not always agree on the art of film (he likes pussy ass stuff like Princess Mononoke and Toy Story 2, perhaps longing for a lost innocence), I am never let down by his insights and commentary. I believe his work will replace that of Roland barthes in cultural studies courses throughout the nation if not the world.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 6:18 p.m. CST

    WE ARE SO LAME!

    by DarkRealms

    McCloud 69, you sure are a Cool Cat! Maybe sometime you can teach me to be as "groovy" as Vern and his mean posse...until then, Fight Club still blows and Vern's list still sucks ass.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 6:24 p.m. CST

    I say again, with emphasis,

    by squonk

    this is gay.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Gay like a fox! Oh, wait, it is gay.

    by The Garbage Man

    Here's The Garbage Man's official "Everybody's doing it, so I'll come up with a bunch of crap, too" list. Most retarded online profile made up by a 12 year old geek - "Vern the jailbird movie critic" Slowest news day - January 10, 2000 Stupidest Swedish prostitute - The Warrior

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 10:35 p.m. CST

    Look here you sons of bitches

    by Vern

    Hello my name is Vern I am the author of this piece, outlaw awards. The press release was written by Walter who you will probaly not be surprised to hear is a fucking cokehead. But i did not pay him hardly anything and refuse to be called an enabler, in my opinion. Now first of all I want to apologize to any of you stupid motherfuckers who are crying because of my awards were printed on the ain't it cool news sight. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just sent the press release to harry as an informative type measure after he was Positive enough to print my piece about Curtis Mayfield last week. And harry if your reading this I really preciate that bud. I was as surprised as you are that father geek put up my awards list but personally I am an american and if the man wants to print it it is called FREEDOM OF SPEECH motherfucker. Which is one of THE most important parts of the first amendment in my opinion. Now personally I am 100% sober going on four months but I have a VERY strong feeling some of you guys are a bunch of drunk fucks, some of this belligerent gibberish reminds me of shit I used to say back in the day. If and when you pricks sober up I recommend checking out my actual sight where pretty much all of your asinine questions are answered. But I will answer some of your concerns here because I believe in giving motherfuckers a second chance due to personal reasons I don't want to go into here. 1.) Father Geek is my bitch/catcher/punk. This is FALSE. Now back in the can it is true that I was a well known jocker. But like I said I treat my women with respect and it is a well known scientific fact that most jockers treat their punks like they treat their women. Now it is true that I dominated a lot of men and I am not proud of this fact however as a Positive individual I must live up to this past event and overcome it as a part of my Journey. That said there were MANY punks who wanted badly to hook up with me. But no I have never seen Father Geek doing my laundry I never even met the dude. 2.) Gay. No I am not gay however as someone who lives in the year 2000 I would like to point out that you KKK motherfuckers should catch up with the times jesus this homophobic shit. If that is what the "movie geeks" is about is hating blacks and gays than forget it this is my last time on this sight. 3.) Milla jovovich. I understand what your saying Kensington but have you seen the messenger? What I like is basically she is drenched in blood and goes, "Shit man, that guys heads chopped off - did I do that? Better go pray." That in my opinion is some pretty badass swagger even if it is sincere. Also if you read my review of the movie I talk about how cool it is that this gal just struts into the middle of a battle wearing no armor and doesn't draw her sword until she's in the middle. Yeah she looks like an elf but it is all about attitude. Plus I do believe jovovich grew up in the jungle and in real life those type of gals are known to bite off a finger, dick or what not, seriously. Like I said though she is only an honorable mention and if you have any other choices let me know. 4.) Retarded. No I am not. Now maybe i could have had some kind of undiagnosed learning disability growing up, I'm not going to deny that I mean how could I know. However I have done alot to overcome my background and I believe that my work as a Writer speaks for itself. Well if you disagree with me then that is fine, it is your opinion, however fuck you jack. Thanks guys your friend Vern. P.S. I did not Write "catch you later" at the end though that is pure fabrication

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 11:26 p.m. CST

    Didn't mean offense...

    by squonk

    Where I come from "gay" is synonymous with "stupid". Homos are called "Homos", hence my usage of the word. Really, get off my case. I have a great many gay friends. They hate it when I use "gay", but they accept me for who I am, a brazen loudmouth jerk. And so should you Mr. Touchy-feely 90's.

  • Jan. 10, 2000, 11:46 p.m. CST

    Hey Squonk

    by Niiiice

    Eeeew you kissed a girl?? Dude that's so gay!!!!!

  • Jan. 11, 2000, 12:55 a.m. CST

    For your next column...

    by SnifflesQ

    Perhaps you should write about the best money shots you took across the back while you were IN prison.

  • Jan. 11, 2000, 2:59 a.m. CST

    IRON GIANT fo LIFE

    by MAlkovich

    IT needs to get a nomination, i know this is off topid but i still think that it deserves recognition. I know just like everyone else that WB (newly owned by AOL) will never put any money into helping this pic. It is up to us and we can help it.

  • Jan. 11, 2000, 3:02 p.m. CST

    To all Fagboys

    by IM Your Daddy

    Who said anything against blacks? A few gay prison jokes & suddenly the whole TB are labeled a pack of cross-burning KKKers? - -- - Yeah, I'll admit it, IM HOMOPHOBIC - but I cant help it cuz I was born that way, something in my genes - so don't persecute me for something I was born to be, just be proud I have the courage to "come out" and say it like a man....MY NAME IS IM YOUR DADDY...AND IM HOMOPHOBIC.. there, I feel better.

  • Jan. 11, 2000, 3:52 p.m. CST

    Eyes Wide Shut should be taken out behind the woodshed and beate

    by SnifflesQ

    I think that says it all.

  • Jan. 11, 2000, 4:55 p.m. CST

    To "Im your daddy"

    by Vern

    Look bud, I didn't say you necessarily hated blacks. I just said you were a KKK motherfucker who hates gays as well as blacks and jews, most likely. Otherwise I don't know what your doing in the KKK, you should look into some of their other policies besides gays. You might be surprised what you have been supporting. ANyway man you should know that prison sex is not the same as gay sex. I am not even only talking about rape here either. Humans are animals in my opinion and like other animals they have a little thing I call adaptability. Some take on a female role while they are in prison which I assume you know about if you really are a daddy as you claim. sometimes daddies aske them to shave their legs or put on makeup or grow their hair long to be more feminine. They have them make coffee, do their laundry, clean the cell and what not. You know like luis guzman's punk in the movie Out of Sight directed by steven soderbergh who also directed 1999 outlaw award winner the limey. But these dudes who take on a feminine appearance, they are still a punk not a queen, they are only putting on an act. When they get out (if they get out) they go right back into heterosexual relationships if that's how they came in. They are not gay they are just trying to survive in a rough environment and even if they were, that's a dumb ass reason to make fun of someone especially for a jocker like yourself (again, assuming "im your daddy" means what it sounds like it means). And finally i too was "born homophobic" but i was able to catch up with common sense it is never too late to improve yourself unless you are a film director like that motherfucker who directed the movie armageddon and almost ruined bruce's career forever.

  • Jan. 11, 2000, 7:18 p.m. CST

    sorry bud

    by Vern

    Hey man I guess everyone here hates me and I can see how maybe I might have rubbed you the wrong way when I wrote "If and when you pricks sober up I recommend checking out my actual sight where pretty much all of your asinine questions are answered." BUT although I maybe have not been the most polite I'm just standing my ground against the pricks who have talked trash about me and about gays for no reason. I don't see why I should be banned for life for that but you know what bud I have faced worse sentences than that. It seems to me like alot of you ain't cool newsies just go online to complain and attack people at random. like poor harry here every fucking article he Writes somebody responds that he sold out and his sight is crap. well I personally can vouch for harry I have never met the gentleman but I have seen him on Roger Ebert and he seems alright to me. Anyway sorry if I stepped on anyone's balls or whatever. If you have seen the movie Frankenstein or King Kong you know how sometimes a dude just doesn't fit in in an environment and it leads to mayhem and tragedy. Well, that is basically what I am in this ain't it cool news. I guess I was naive to assume that the ain't it cool news readers are accepting of people who are differnet from them. sorry for any inconvenience and what not. your friend Vern.

  • Jan. 11, 2000, 8:05 p.m. CST

    hey vern

    by IM Your Daddy

    Lighten up, francis. Have you ever read this site? What do ya expect with such material (gay, prison, chicks, & long-ass lines of TB enough to make anyone go apeshit). THIS IS WHAT WE DO HERE. And if enlightenment means trying any form of faggotry then I'll stay stupid. And yes, getting it on with the dudes DOES too mean yer gay. You blame it on necessity to adapt? What about adapting to, ummm, celibacy?, or, ummm, yer imagination? or, ummm, the shampoo bottle? Look, take a tissue & stop being so sensitive.

  • Jan. 12, 2000, 11:28 p.m. CST

    I'm a homophobe

    by The Garbage Man

    I'm proud to be a homophobe. Just cause I don't like gays, and they honestly creep me out, doesn't mean I hate them. Hating someone because of what they are (gay, black, white, whatever) is stupid. That's what the KKK is about. I don't hate blacks, jews, or any other minority - in my mind, some are cooler than most white people. Homophobe does not = a Klansman. Vern - to me, it didn't seem like you were for real (that's why I wrote the 12-year-old thing), and I assume you were talking about me with the retarded thing. I didn't call you retarded, I'd never make fun of something that a person has no control over. Finally, I'm also tired of people trashing Harry - that's why I call The Warrior a Swedish prostitute.

  • Jan. 13, 2000, 5:30 a.m. CST

    Hey Vern

    by djh

    Glad to see you ascension in the movie criticism ranks, just remember me when you're famous. Continued good luck. Your bud, Dean

  • Jan. 19, 2000, 5:33 p.m. CST

    Get of Vern's case

    by Nasir Dalek

    Have any of you assholes actually read Vern's site? Sure, the site includes rude language, references to illegal activity, and Vern's taste in movies might not be everyones's cup of tea... Well, what the fuck, you want to crucify the guy for being honest? Grow the fuck up. Besides, check out Vern's Weekly columns. Sometimes it's stupid, sometimes it's hilariously, brilliantly funny, and sometimes it's incredibly insightful. I'm even swapping to Reel.com from DVDempire because i like his site so much. Assholes.