Movie News

Mr. Beaks Broadsides PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES!

Published at: May 17, 2011, 5:40 p.m. CST by mrbeaks

Fun fact: it's been nearly four years since Jerry Bruckheimer produced a bona-fide blockbuster for his corporate overlords at Disney. Keep this in mind should you succumb to the big-summer-movie seduction of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES. As you're paying premium prices to view this mega-budgeted monstrosity in the heightened format of your choosing, know that the primary service you're providing is one of getting a struggling hit-maker off the schneid. Bruckheimer is counting on your loyalty. He's hoping that the goodwill built up almost exclusively from THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL - as the last two movies have been routinely bad-mouthed by critics and fans alike (despite outgrossing the first installment) - will be all he needs to get in your pockets. As for making good on his part of the transaction and leaving you with a reasonably entertaining movie? Go fuck yourself.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES is the awe-deadening nadir of studio tentpole filmmaking, a soulless reconstitution of marketable elements in search of box office plunder. As a perversely unsatisfying moviegoing experience, it calls to mind BATMAN AND ROBIN - though to be fair to Joel Schumacher's franchise-killing debacle, PIRATES 4 lacks the conviction to be that memorably tacky. There is a stunning paucity of effort on display in this film; neither director Rob Marshall nor screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio - who've saved themselves the trouble of mapping out a completely original narrative by cannibalizing Tim Powers's well-regarded adventure novel, ON STRANGER TIDES - seem at all interested in captivating their paying customers. What could've been a divertingly madcap dash for the Fountain of Youth is instead a lethargic, backstory-laden tour through familiar (now in 3D!) tropical scenery. Perhaps the filmmakers were relying on their murderer's row of a cast to enliven the plodding narrative. If so... oops!

When Johnny Depp sauntered into the role of Captain Jack Sparrow eight years ago, it was well-earned playtime for an actor who'd admirably eschewed easy stardom for the opportunity to collaborate with visionary (i.e. non-mainstream) directors like Terry Gilliam, Jim Jarmusch and Sally Potter - and the unmitigated glee with which he threw himself into the swashbuckling role went a long way toward erasing the based-on-an-amusement-park stigma that had dogged the project since its inception. That rapscallion charm, which was still present in the exhausting DEAD MAN'S CHEST and the muddled AT WORLD'S END, has completely vanished in ON STRANGER TIDES. This is a classic cut-the-check gig, akin to the phoned-in horseshit Eddie Murphy's been foisting on us for the last decade (DREAMGIRLS excepted). Depp is so disengaged he can barely be bothered to maintain the boozy cadence of Sparrow's speech. Worse, as he's forced to engage in endless expository conversations, artlessly furthering the plot Elliott and Rossio couldn't be bothered to dramatize, his accent comes and goes - at which point the whole endeavor drops from listless to downright contemptuous.

In Depp's meager defense, it's unlikely a full-blooded Jack Sparrow performance would've masked the amateur-hour quality of Elliott & Rossio's screenplay. This is seriously rancid stuff. When they're not lazily filling up script pages with backstory detailing the quest for the Fountain of Youth like they're writing a radio play, they're dropping in thudding bon mots like, "I, for one, support the missionary's position." Which brings us to the missionary, a desperate Will Turner replacement named Philip (Sam Claflin), whose sole function within the narrative is to fall contrivedly in love with a comely mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) - thus giving easily-enamored young girls something to swoon over. Every minute spent with these star-crossed dullards is excruciating - save for the moment a badly-wounded Philip wanders away from the climactic, soundstage-bound battle into which far too many combatants have been crammed. True, it's a laughably ineffective attempt to get some parallel action going, but at least there's a competently-composed shot or two to be found.

Bad movies happen to great actors all the time, so it's not exactly shocking the extent to which Marshall has ill-utilized the likes of Geoffrey Rush, Ian McShane, Richard Griffiths and Penelope Cruz. As the feuding Barbossa and Blackbeard, Rush and McShane at least recite their forgettable lines with professional gusto; Griffiths, on the other hand, goes regrettably over the top in his one awful scene as King George, which concludes with the most ineptly executed action sequence I've seen in some time (scored with unnecessary bombast by Hans Zimmer, who appears to be recycling cues from the previous PIRATES movies). And Ms. Cruz... one could take issue with her pronunciation struggles, but this dialogue deserves to be mangled, and she looks sensational mangling it.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES is an embarrassment on every level for Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer, but it's unlikely they'll be cowed when the opening weekend grosses come in next Saturday. And that's what's most frustrating about this film: it was a success the minute it was greenlit; all the key creatives had to do was show up, and that's precisely all they did! Ten minutes into ON STRANGER TIDES, anyone with an ounce of self-respect will remember why they should've abandoned this series four years ago, and bolt for the ticket window to demand their money back. That this movie is shorter than the mostly-maligned AT WORLD'S END only means it's a return to duration, not form; if brevity is that important to you, stay home and watch Richard Fleischer's masterfully economical THE NARROW MARGIN twice. Or stay home and watch nothing. I've got recordings of a beaten-down Redd Foxx working off his IRS debt in Vegas that evince more joy and vigor than this.

Or be lured by the siren song of Disney and Bruckheimer, and bear witness to the cinematic equivalent of Kenny G playing with his back to the audience. They'll be relieved to know that this is all it takes.

Faithfully submitted,

Mr. Beaks

Readers Talkback

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  • May 17, 2011, 5:45 p.m. CST

    Third...

    by LizardMan

    ... Movie sucked. Sounds like the fourth is no better. F it.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:46 p.m. CST

    Not surprised at all ...

    by GINGE_MUPPET

    The first is excellent and very watchable ... everything since has been fucking horrific.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:46 p.m. CST

    Ill never understand

    by BERSERKR

    Critics panning of the last two installments of the series, Two was EASILY the best of the entire series thanks in no small part to Bill Nighy as Davie Jones. People are letting there love of the first cloud there judgement, if two was the first movie it would be a whole different ballgame.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:46 p.m. CST

    Sounds good

    by masteryoda007

    Maybe not

  • May 17, 2011, 5:48 p.m. CST

    But is it good or bad?

    by Epsilon

  • These movies were all meant to be stupid. The name Disney (since Walt's death) has always been the mark of total and complete shit. They say "they're just children's films" but we know better. Don't feed my kids shit and tell them it's fruit loops.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:50 p.m. CST

    Harry will love it

    by KonkBob

  • May 17, 2011, 5:50 p.m. CST

    At least Lego Pirates is supposed to be fun.

    by K-Gin

  • May 17, 2011, 5:52 p.m. CST

    mattman

    by HEADGEEK

    The best I've heard about the film came from Capone, which was meager at best. I'm paying to see it this weekend, but that's because I refused to go to a rat-infested shithole for the press screening.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Wow wow wow!

    by Flames gotta Eat

    I've seen it as well, I didn't hate it nearly as much as Beaks but by no means is this a good film. To me it was better than 2 or 3 but that's not saying much. I still think 1 is more iconic but in the end 4 is a Pirates film. If you like them then you'll like this one. If you don't get them then you won't really get this one either. The only thing they've improved is the simpler story and shorter running time (although it seems long at times). I don't see much of Marshall's hand in here and it's missing that dark humor Verbinski brought to the series. It's way too rushed, shit just happens and you just have to roll with it, and the character development is almost non-existent. Depp is phoning it in, he does nothing new here. McShane is a complete waste, such a shame. And the ending is lifted from The Last Crusade and not 1/100th as good! The whole Fountain of Youth could be cool but they make it pointless by the end, such a wasted opp. I can say I did notice the 3D and liked that very much. They even throw in a few gags. But my advice to friends is to go see Thor again, much better than this Pirates. End this series now please.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:53 p.m. CST

    What did you expect?

    by UltimaRex

    Dead Man's Chest taught me to stay the hell away from this POS franchise.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:53 p.m. CST

    No one

    by BERSERKR

    ever replies to me boo hoo :P off to work i go, hi ho, hi ho!

  • May 17, 2011, 5:54 p.m. CST

    Two stars from Empire. / Multiple bad reviews in the press recently.

    by GINGE_MUPPET

    Hard times for lovers of the Pirates movies.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:56 p.m. CST

    Picture

    by FrankTheTank

    I love that you added an image from "Contempt" at the beginning of the article. Hahaha.

  • May 17, 2011, 5:56 p.m. CST

    now THATS a fucking summer movie review!! WELL DONE!

    by IndustryKiller!

    Oh my God someone at AICN decides to take a stand! Glory be. Now when will assholes a charlatans screaming "HATER!" show?

  • May 17, 2011, 5:58 p.m. CST

    One of the best reviews I've read on this site!!!

    by notcher

    The first paragraph is classic!!! Well done Mr. Beaks!!! Sounds like the studio only cares about one effect, the sound effect of "CHA CHING!!!"

  • May 17, 2011, 5:59 p.m. CST

    I agree..

    by Flames gotta Eat

    This is no Batman and Robin. Nowhere near as embarassing for me. More going through the motions and not letting anything breathe, just throwing shit at the screen. Kinda sounds like a Bay film!

  • May 17, 2011, 5:59 p.m. CST

    "Pirates 4" RULES, MALICK SUCKS!!!!!

    by notcher

    Can't wait to hear that argument. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

  • May 17, 2011, 6 p.m. CST

    The first sign that this was going to suck

    by DickButtkiss

    Came when there was nothing funny about any of the jokes in the trailers.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:02 p.m. CST

    Pirates 1 was good, the rest BLEW!!!

    by notcher

    And yes, these movies were meant to be dumb, but there's a difference between dumb and horrifyingly stupid and NOT entertaining at all, in fact, so filled with effects that it's like banging your head against the wall for three hours!!! Fuck the sequels, they ALL suck!! However, I can't say shit about the 4th one, I haven't scene it, and I won't either. I don't want to feather Bruckheimer's pockets any longer!!! Shiver me timbers!!!!!

  • May 17, 2011, 6:03 p.m. CST

    Closing credits

    by SenatorJeffersonSmith

    So does the Jack Sparrow song on the new Lonely Island record finish the film? If so, I'd buy a ticket just for that. Michael Bolton is fucking brilliant on that track!

  • You can also call OSHA. No one should have to risk their health for a movie, good or bad.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:07 p.m. CST

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    by D o o d

    THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME! I am one of the lucky ones that gave up on Pirates after the first installment!!!!

  • May 17, 2011, 6:09 p.m. CST

    I love all 3 almost as much as Star Wars and Indy...

    by Lao_Che_Air_Freight

    and I think Dead Man's Chest is the best of the 3, and most folks I know think it's the worst. I'm just crazy I guess.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:09 p.m. CST

    do talkbackers hate all films?

    by emeraldboy

    what sort of films do talkbackers like? Harry wrote a review for malicks new film? and nobody seems to like that. nobody seems to like pirates of the carribean. nobody seems to like transformers movies? cant think of a single film that talbackers seem to like....

  • May 17, 2011, 6:11 p.m. CST

    So, did you like it?

    by ccchhhrrriiisssm

    hehe

  • May 17, 2011, 6:14 p.m. CST

    I have a feeling that anything theater w/o DIGITAL sound/projection...

    by ccchhhrrriiisssm

    ...would be considered a "rat hole" by Harry. Unless, of course, the theater or film in question is meant to be "nostalgic." Unless, of course, there really is shit and rats on the floor of the theater in question. That would really suck.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:16 p.m. CST

    How to make a terrible trilogy...

    by gaygoonie

    Take a supporting character from movie #1, reposition him as lead in movies #2 and #3 and watch it all go to shit. Oh, and here's part #4, not because you asked for it but because Disney is LAME.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:19 p.m. CST

    "I love all 3 almost as much as Star Wars and Indy..."

    by IndustryKiller!

    "I'm just crazy I guess" That would be a fair self assessment, yes.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:19 p.m. CST

    Mattman, as a younger moviegoer/talkbacker

    by BlaGyver

    While I would never dare to compare the two films in quality, I have always said that the ending of Dead Man's Chest is the closest thing my generation will get to an Empire Strikes Back ending.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:20 p.m. CST

    It's all Peter jacksons fault

    by harryknowlesnothingaboutfilm

    If he had not made the rings trilogy so long then all summer films would be 1hr45mins tops. Not these bloated 2hr plus monstrosities. Thes simply don't have enough plot to fill all that time ( unlike the rings trilogy).

  • May 17, 2011, 6:21 p.m. CST

    lao_che_air_freight- I agree!!

    by Gil Brooks

    I personally thought the movies got better as they went along. However, everything I've seen of this one looks exactly as Beaks described it...

  • get with it

  • May 17, 2011, 6:22 p.m. CST

    Stop Talkin Shit about Disney! TRON 2 Ruled!!!

    by Spacezilla

    Yea I said it! Tron 2 is aging incredibly well, and is a product of a pure balls. Just because this movie might suck doesn't discount the fact that Disny really tried to make Tron 2 great and I fucking love it. I really do. Especially in a certain frame of mind, the movie gets unbearably cool. I will say that this reviewer is full of shit if he is downplaying the soundtrack to Pirates 4. Right there is a glaring big red flag. Zimmer + Rodrigo y Gabriela is really inspired! Listen to it yourself. I am really enjoying it and looking forward to my drive home soon so I can listen to it more in full but so far it sounds fantastic. Its really different and beautiful. I hope it won't be the best thing about Pirates 4 but it most certainly is inspired work and deserves some respect. Disney and Zimmer took a chance and tried to do something different with the soundtrack. Its a great fusion. The reviewer on the most basic level should stand corrected and respect the soundtrack. That is all I am saying.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:27 p.m. CST

    professor_monster

    by FrankTheTank

    Harry didn't write this review. Get with it.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:28 p.m. CST

    Among the many reasons I respect these films..

    by Lao_Che_Air_Freight

    They hang a kid within 5 mins of the Disney logo fading out in World's End. Too many Kraken attacks? I always hear that complaint and never got it...you never even see the big K in the first one, and its all of a minute of screen time, and most of it is the dudes fighting over Jack's hat. So there are two other attacks where you actually see the thing, and thats a problem? That's like saying they really overdid the whole "Reliant attacks the Enterprise" thing in Wrath of Khan. I just don't get it.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:29 p.m. CST

    I'll see it...

    by TDH1138

    ...and judge for myself. Critics LOATHED the last 2 and I loved them. Families will go out in droves at least once, possibly twice! KIDS LOVE Jack Sparrow! The reality is, the 5th installment has already been green lit and this, as stated in the above, was a massive blockbuster the moment Disney announced it. They just printed a Billion Dollars worldwide.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:29 p.m. CST

    emeraldboy, that's because HBO is better than film.

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    Looks like 13 Assassins will win most of us over. I'd like to hear more about The Thing Prequel. Most people here like to complain. I've done my fair share, however, if I like something, I mention it. I enjoyed the Pirates films, they're not great cinema throughout, but there are lots of fun scenes, great action, and lots of monsters. There was a time when talkbackers liked monsters. I miss those times.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:30 p.m. CST

    The first one was an evil piece of shiznit

    by Nabster

    Anyone who liked any of the films is a retard.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:31 p.m. CST

    Mattman, Barbossa coming back...

    by BlaGyver

    God damn. I was 14 when I saw that in theatres the first time and it was the first time I ever cussed in front of my dad. I was so into that I just straight up went "Holy shit." Any other time, my dad would have been pissed, but he was too into it to care.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:31 p.m. CST

    That is so disappointing.

    by Royston Lodge

    I was really, really hoping that throwing off the shackles of the sickening Turner/Swan love story would allow a new director to breathe new life into this amazing fictional universe. Let's face it, the pirate universe they created could be the backdrop for any number of amazing movies, if done right. It really makes me sad that they can create such amazing fictional universes (Star Wars, Star Trek, Pirates, Aliens, etc) with tonnes and tonnes of potential for new and interesting stories, and yet they seem to fail every time their dip their toes in. Is there any wonder fan fiction is such a big phenomenon when the pros can't get it right?

  • May 17, 2011, 6:34 p.m. CST

    Elliot & Rossio are Bipolar

    by Mephisto the Great

    Those guys are either able to deliver relatively solid popcorn films like the first Zorro and Pirates film...and utter crap like Godzilla and anything beyond the first film of a series. Do they actually READ their screenplays? I don't know, after reading this review, if I should be manic or depressed.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:35 p.m. CST

    Harry:what theater?

    by mr. smith

    highland 10? oddly I have a nostalgic affection for the place...

  • May 17, 2011, 6:36 p.m. CST

    Beaks liked Bring it On more than The Dark Knight

    by BlaGyver

  • May 17, 2011, 6:36 p.m. CST

    Fuckin' Ian McShane

    by Al Swearengen

    Why is it that handsome, fuckin' cocksucker can't find himself in a decent fuckin' movie or two, huh? Maybe this is cause for having Dan Doherty take a knife to McShane's fuckin' agent.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:37 p.m. CST

    professor_monster, if that was true, Harry would admit it.

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    I guess I'll make the call to OSHA myself to help him out.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:41 p.m. CST

    What Nabster said.

    by DoctorWho?

    Ditto.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:42 p.m. CST

    why do people spend their money on this crap?

    by SmokingRobot

    Look, you all saw the 2nd movie, right? It made 'The Phantom Menace' look like Citizen Kane.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:42 p.m. CST

    Turd

    by BlaGyver

    I was actually about to say that. I thought mentioning Bring it On, though overdone, packs a bit more of a punch personally, but it's cool to see that great minds think alike.

  • Suck or not this thing will pad Disney's coffers and in return help my holding. So while I'm sad, and upset they didn't give the fans and stockholders good bang for their bucks...as long as it turns a profit and entertains Ma and Pa Mid-America too the tune of 9 figures I can't shed too many tears.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:48 p.m. CST

    Y'all're nuts!

    by sweeneydave

    I dug 2 & 3 more than the first one.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:50 p.m. CST

    So where's Dupont's Review?

    by Lao_Che_Air_Freight

    She always likes to come back around every couple years to review these films..and though she hates them as well, she writes a pretty thorough analysis that's always a great read. I'm gonna have to wait to read it though, all the damn pre-screenings are in 3-fucking-D, so I have to wait until it opens to see it normally. I gotta steer clear of these talkbacks for awhile I'm afraid.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:51 p.m. CST

    So where's Dupont's Review?

    by Lao_Che_Air_Freight

    She always likes to come back around every couple years to review these films..and though she hates them as well, she writes a pretty thorough analysis that's always a great read. I'm gonna have to wait to read it though, all the damn pre-screenings are in 3-fucking-D, so I have to wait until it opens to see it normally. I gotta steer clear of these talkbacks for awhile I'm afraid.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:51 p.m. CST

    Pirates of the Caribbean V: Seal Team Six

    by Green

    That's if Disney does in fact get the trademark.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:52 p.m. CST

    Harsh but pretty accurate review

    by seasider

    I saw the movie last night. I understand the reasoning behind making another Pirates film. The first 3 were big money makers and Depp's Jack Sparrow was a household name. But just because the Sparrow character was everyone's favorite doesn't mean he's good enough to carry a whole movie by himself. What you get with Stranger Tides is a watered down Jack Sparrow with no Will Turner character to play off of. Orlando Bloom's Turner may not have been liked by many but he was a good foil for Jack Sparrow and the back and forth banter between the 2 male leads was for me fun to watch. Rob Marshall may have proven to be good at doing musicals but with a big budget swashbuckling pirate movie that requires massive visual effects, he is clearly out of his element and the characters were just dull for the most part. Depp is mailing it in while Geoffrey Rush looks visibly frustrated with how badly his character is wasted in this movie. The only thing I really liked is the mermaid killing sequence.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:52 p.m. CST

    Thenewcastleincident, don't be dumb

    by BlaGyver

    It'll be Pirates of the Caribbean VI: Seal Team Six.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:54 p.m. CST

    Can't Possibly be worse than the 3rd

    by Wcwlkr

    That damn thing was practically unwatchable! I freaking HATED that movie. And I figured at least with 2 of the characters I hated the most Will Turner and Elizabeth, I figured this would be good again. I love Depp's Jack Sparrow, he was GREAT in the first two and the only good thing about the third. I really hope Beaks isn't right on this one.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:55 p.m. CST

    I would eat Asi's left nut to read another DuPont review.

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    Hopefully she'll do a summer flick or the SW blu set. She can chop me Anytime!

  • May 17, 2011, 6:56 p.m. CST

    Plus the score to this is horrendous.

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    Half the album are club remixes! Un-cussing-acceptable!!

  • May 17, 2011, 6:58 p.m. CST

    Dead Man's Chest

    by HansBubi

    I see both sides of the Dead Man's Chest reactions. When I saw it in the theater for the first time, I enjoyed it to a degree yet also felt exhausted by how long it is, as well as by the many scenes that involved characters explaining things to each other to keep the movie's plot afloat. When it came out on DVD, I remember telling someone that hadn't seen it that it was okay...a mixed bag. We watched it together, and I was much more impressed by it the second time, and the person I watched it with seemed confused by my more-negative-than-positive warnings about it beforehand. So, I'm not sure if I'm willing to call the second movie a masterpiece by any means, but I do realize it gets the job done (well made entertainment) pretty well.

  • May 17, 2011, 6:59 p.m. CST

    Soundtrack is good...

    by Flames gotta Eat

    I agree the CD soundtrack is good but the soundtrack in the movie was uneven for me. Zimmer repeats the "He's a Pirate" theme ad nauseum but his new ethereal Mermaids theme isn't bad. The Rod y Gab tracks are undoubtedly the best but they are barely in the film!! Pissed me off so much, I could pick them out twice and the mix wasn't up front, most notably the tango scene between Jack and Angelica. Director/producers chose Zimmer's bombast over the Rod y Gab tracks for the film mix and I think it suffered for it. Of course, the whole film is bombast so it fits. And McShane is in a good movie it's called 44 Inch Chest and he rocks in it!

  • That's a really, REALLY bad average. That's like Robocop territory. Yeah I know some dig Robocop 2....but to me 2 & 3 sucked.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Flames

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    Ex

  • May 17, 2011, 7:05 p.m. CST

    flames gotta eat

    by HansBubi

    Thank you for your thoughts on the music. I realize AICN has a writer that covers film music, but I wish talkbackers would discuss the music of films more often. Obviously if Daft Punk or Trent Reznor produces music for a film it will get discussed plenty, yet I wish more traditional movie scores would be discussed more by talkbackers.

  • Dammit Beaks. I'm STILL laughing at that. Brutal stuff.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:05 p.m. CST

    Flames

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    Explain the club remixes. They serve no purpose. When I wanna shake my Ass with Mrs. Chop I want Ke$ha not third rate Zimmer clones!

  • May 17, 2011, 7:07 p.m. CST

    All the Pirates of the Carribean movies are dire...

    by kwisatzhaderach

    ...so more of the same I guess.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:08 p.m. CST

    capt jack!!

    by vulturess

    i liked all the pirates flicks. davey jones and his crew were freakin great.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:08 p.m. CST

    Is that a still from "Contempt?"

    by blakindigo

    Godard FTW.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:08 p.m. CST

    Choppah

    by Flames gotta Eat

    The remixes are just put on the albums as a fun kinda thing, I dont think they're in the films. Just somethin to change up the trad score soundtrack albums. Bump that Kei$ha my friend!

  • May 17, 2011, 7:09 p.m. CST

    Hans

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    You just hafta find the right crowd.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:11 p.m. CST

    Scathing review.

    by D Ropaela

    I like it.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:12 p.m. CST

    An amusing, well-written review

    by dahveed1972

    Good job beaks!

  • May 17, 2011, 7:17 p.m. CST

    I'll see it on cable

    by Kraven Morehead

    the first one was good because it was a pleasant surprise. the two after that actually had expectations and failed to meet those. Long story short, the first one was above average and the 2nd and 3rd one were bad. I actually saw those in the theatre. This one I will not.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:20 p.m. CST

    I'm no expert on film scores, nor am I well versed in them

    by BlaGyver

    But I've been trying to get more into them lately, and Daft Punk, Hans Zimmer and Trent Reznor basics aside, I'm really enjoying the Akira score right now. Also, Patrick Doyle(think that's it?) did a good job with Thor.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:21 p.m. CST

    Well that cinches it..

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    I've been waiting for years for this film. I gathered all my illegitimate children together to meet them for the first time. I was going to surprise them with a midnight showing to Pirates 4 but now I just don't see the point now. I think I'll skip out on them and take the ladyfriend to Bridesmaids. I'll send them some hot wheels to make up for it.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:21 p.m. CST

    damn. he compared it to Batman and Robin

    by WINONA_RYDERS_PUSSY_JUICE

    That's low dude.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:32 p.m. CST

    Still waiting on that DVD column...

    by THE_CHOPPAH

  • May 17, 2011, 7:41 p.m. CST

    Ahhh crap..

    by theblackvegtable

    I was really hoping this one would be good.... ah well

  • May 17, 2011, 7:45 p.m. CST

    DEAD MAN'S CHEST CAN SIT ON MY FACE ANY DAY

    by Spielbergs Furious Racism

    BRILLIANT FILM. Fuck the third one though. Awful.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:53 p.m. CST

    Batman & Robin was better than Batman Forever

    by cgh123

    Poor Tommy Lee Jones was just bulldozered by Jim Carrey's Riddler. Ruined the movie for me.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:53 p.m. CST

    Facts

    by LastPairOfSocks

    1) These movies are based on what is essentially a carnival ride. Bring on Ferris Wheel- The Movie! 2) Please don't blame the actors. If you got paid millions to vacation in a tropical paradise while doing basically nothing, you'd take that deal in a heartbeat. Blame should rest with the director and screenwriters according to this review. 3) Don't blame the people who go see this. Not everyone is intelligent. Most people aren't even conscious. Media overload (tv ads, print ads, web ads, Burger King wrappers) causes zombification in many individuals and they'll find themselves starring at the end credits of this film not knowing how they got there. The truth is, we must deal with these issues and move forth. If you're a fan of this property I'd say you were lucky to get 1 good film. Asking for four awesome ones is just greedy. And if you're not a fan, maybe you should just skip the theatre and get drunk. That's what I'm up to this weekend. Fuck it.

  • May 17, 2011, 7:55 p.m. CST

    POTC movies= comic book event

    by CreamCheeseAlchemist

    It's total pulp designed to sell merchandise. But can we please get Anamaria as an action figure?

  • May 17, 2011, 8:12 p.m. CST

    "What did you expect?"

    by originalmemflix

    Fuck, I hate it when people say that. We EXPECT the filmmakers & screenwriters to produce a product they truly care about because they initially fought and bled to become filmmakers to do just that. What's the point of becoming a screenwriter if after you fight through rejection and heartbreak and finally make it to the top where you have the money and resources behind you to make a truly stellar picture, you drop the pen on the way down to your knees and beg a suit to stuff his dick in your mouth?

  • May 17, 2011, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Great review, by the way

    by originalmemflix

  • you get with it

  • Fans seem to give him a pass.

  • Opinion = invalid

  • May 17, 2011, 8:46 p.m. CST

    HEY SHEEPLE...

    by TDH1138

    See it for yourself. Why anyone listens to some of these reviews on AICN is BEYOND me.

  • May 17, 2011, 8:52 p.m. CST

    Yeah I love how people who diss it will still see it...

    by doom master

    Because you sat through the previous 3 and you're compelled to sit through this one. Cut the crap man and just admit it - you ARE going to watch this. As for Beaks and anybody else who naysays this movie GET BENT. if you didn't wanna watch it or review it, then you really wouldnt have bought the ticket, eh? NO SHIT. GOOD OR BAD who gives a shit? Same goes with Transformers 3 by this point... I mean we're in the sequels area..what the fuck do you expect?

  • May 17, 2011, 8:55 p.m. CST

    People love the Pirates movies

    by D.Vader

    Not sure which "fans" are badmouthing the last two movies, other than fanboys on movie websites...

  • May 17, 2011, 8:55 p.m. CST

    @ Mr Beaks

    by doom master

    .....YOU MAD? LOL HATERS GONNA HATE....

  • May 17, 2011, 9:01 p.m. CST

    WTf does REDD Foxx have to do with this movie?

    by doom master

    " I've got recordings of a beaten-down Redd Foxx working off his IRS debt in Vegas that evince more joy and vigor than this." Shows how much you know...That recording means dick in compairosn to the fact that his ghost haunts his old house here in Vegas....lol... Nevermind his stupid IRS problems - the man did not have a peaceful death. Do you pull stuff out of your ass when your not taking a crap, regularly? It certainly seems so. Why the FUCK would i bother to watch some movie on DVD or cable or whatnot than watch this? Really! Why the fuck would I wanna listen to a review that just simply HATES for no other reason than to HATE and nothing more? Look if you dont like Pirate movies, then dont watch it. if you dont liek Depp, then dont watch it....if you dont liek Zimmer doing the music, the dont fucking watch it. But I know you all will....Because it's like the circus is coming to town....and we all wanna see the clowns and acrobats and elephants again, because our lives are just THAT DULL by comparison...

  • May 17, 2011, 9:12 p.m. CST

    I'll grant the first Pirate movie was good

    by D o o d

    it had heart and was obviously made with some sense of humor. However, what followed was just pure Technical showreels for ILM. There was no movie, no heart, nothing!

  • May 17, 2011, 9:15 p.m. CST

    That was wordy

    by twogunjames

    And self important. If the film is anywhere near as bad as this review, then I will indeed pass. It's no secret what you're getting with a POTC film. It's not art.

  • A great, fun flick.

  • May 17, 2011, 9:28 p.m. CST

    Not surprised

    by elsewhere

    Looking at IMDb, Depp has made a lot of shitty movies in the last decade. Get it together man!

  • May 17, 2011, 9:33 p.m. CST

    I loved Pirates 2, not sure why it gets hate

    by RedBull_Werewolf

    pirates 3 was a cluttered mess but far from a terrible film, but pirates 2 was a great movie. When barbosa walks down those steps eating an apple i just about pissed myself, great clif hanger ending

  • May 17, 2011, 9:40 p.m. CST

    What the f@#$ dod you people want?!!

    by Raggles Wimpole

    This is a Jerry Bruckheimer-produced series of adventure films based on a ride at a theme park. Look, I love pirate movies as much as the next 10-year-old, but when your genre is populated by films such as Pirates of Penzance, Hook, Ice Pirates, Captain Blood & a big budget porn movie it's not as if you're going up against the greatest movies ever made. These are not the films of Kubrick, Welles, Leone or Miyazaki. They are what they are: big budget action-adventure films.

  • May 17, 2011, 9:45 p.m. CST

    god damn that review was awesome!

    by BadMrWonka

    well done, Beaks. well done. too often great movies get great reviews, and terrible movies get (understandably) half-assed reviews. usually it's along the lines of, "I can't be bothered to write an involved review because the movie was so bad, I don't want to relive it." but if anything deserves a seriously pulitzer-worthy thrashing, it's the 4th installment of a once-great series, where everyone involved is just cashing their check and yawning. seriously man, great fucking review.

  • May 17, 2011, 9:46 p.m. CST

    So... I thoroughly enjoyed At World's End at DMC.

    by TheMarineBiologist

    And I've enjoyed every second of every clip released so far from this one. So, like At World's End before it, it would appear that On Stranger Tides is going to only go on to appease those that are fans of the series.<p> And it is clear that Mr. Beaks is not.<p> So... I call this review a wash? You didn't like 2 and 3, so why should I agree with your opinion on 4?

  • May 17, 2011, 9:46 p.m. CST

    *and DMC

    by TheMarineBiologist

  • May 17, 2011, 9:48 p.m. CST

    twogunjames

    by BadMrWonka

    big, summer movies CAN be art. hell, the first POTC showed us that! nothing makes me madder than people like you willfully lowering their expectations AND insulting anyone that dares to expect a little more. you know what would be silly? a movie about a guy in a batsuit battling a clown for almost 3 hours. I mean, we shouldn't expect THAT to be art, should we? I mean, jesus. just because you can turn off your brain, don' expect others to happily do the same. and not for nothing, kiddo, but you should look up "self-important" in the dictionary. it's not self-important to write a negative review of a film you didn't like. not any more than any review is, by nature, somewhat self-important.

  • May 17, 2011, 9:49 p.m. CST

    GREAT REVIEW BEAKS DON'T BAN ME

    by BSB

  • May 17, 2011, 9:52 p.m. CST

    "ENDLESS EXPOSITORY CONVERSATIONS"

    by BSB

    That's all I need to know. I ain't paying to take no nap in the theater again. Looks like it's another viewing of Thor and Fast Five again this weekend. WOOT!

  • May 17, 2011, 9:53 p.m. CST

    I love how ...

    by Nickytea

    ... Beaks shallowly attacks the dialog without even venturing a poke at the writer's contributions to the structure of this film's story, which is actually quite good. Far be it for me to want to read something that actually required thought to write rather than just vitriolic bitching.

  • May 17, 2011, 9:56 p.m. CST

    Mattman, I know that comment was somewhat in jest

    by BlaGyver

    (emphasis on the "somewhat") but I know some guys on this site that have mentioned that they aren't coming back solely because of how trigger happy the guys that pull the ban gun have been over the last few months. D. VADER NEVER FORGET

  • May 17, 2011, 9:56 p.m. CST

    I loved the second Pirates movie

    by Hey_Kobe_Tell_Me_How_My_Ass_Tastes

    At least as much as if not more than the first. The third one was a bloated mess though.

  • But credit where due, I dug Beaks' snark and some of my favorite talkbackers are here.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:02 p.m. CST

    Damn

    by Nasty In The Pasty

    I was hoping this film might have learned from the excesses of the excruciating third movie and dialed it down a bit, but all this talk about "backstory" and "exposition" makes the hair on the back of my neck rise. Godammit, can't they make even ONE good sequel to the original?! I'll take the unfairly maligned Zorro sequel over any of these shitty POTC sequels. At least THAT movie was fun.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:22 p.m. CST

    nickytea

    by BadMrWonka

    are you Ted or Terry? or are you both sitting at the computer deciding what to write together?

  • May 17, 2011, 10:26 p.m. CST

    People that don't like 2&3 are lazy idiots...

    by Billyeveryteen

    Sadly Beaks perfectly illustrates this, and should be kept away from the keyboard. 2 just needs more Barbossa. 3 just gets better the more you absorb. Dunno about this one, I really hate that Cruz dude.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:28 p.m. CST

    BSB

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    Keep your ass on topic.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:28 p.m. CST

    I liked them all...

    by Yourbigpalal83

    Hey there not academy award winning films in any way shape or form, and 2 and 3 were so filled with backstabbing and so many plot elements ive seen them quite a few times now and its still hard for me to keep up with whats going on, but to say these films are pure shit, crap, anyone who likes them is a moron, etc is just ignorance and hate for no reason what so ever. Just mindless internet haters and trolls bitching and moaning on and on and on and on with no real reason or purpose other then to fill time. I view this film series kinda like the old planet of the apes movies. first one was the best, the others, not so much but they kept the adventure and story going, plus they made money. Anyone going into the 4th film of a franchise expecting something fresh and new is an idiot. If your bringing back characters, and still in the world establised in more then 2 films before it, your writing options are kinda limited. You risk too big of a change, you can kill your movie dead in the water, not to much of a change, your rehashing old stick so you got to find the right balance. Pirates 4 to me, is simply the next chapter in the story! Have yet to see it, being how its only tuesday and all but im greatly looking foward to it! If it sucks it sucks, but at this point i dont see how it will.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Yeah but how are the "zombies"?

    by MooseMalloy

  • May 17, 2011, 10:35 p.m. CST

    As IF this review is going to stop people from watching it

    by doom master

    Cmon....get your head out of your ASS.. Its a pirate flick... This series has ALWAYS had parallels wth both Star Wars AND the Indy Jones series.... If it "rips" off of it, so fucking what? The fact that you say it RIPS off of something suggests you really dont like the trilogy to begin with. And besides, What OTHER kind of ending would you expect for the Fountain of Youth anyway? You expect this legendary red herring to become something static for all to exploit? Screw that! Of course theyre gonna lose it by the movie's end....Thats how it works...Jack ain't SUPPOSED to find what he's looking for. That's the CATCH. dumb ass.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:39 p.m. CST

    Love the whole trilogy

    by JacksParasites

    I understand some of the criticism of the 2nd and 3rd as they are a bit long, but people should give them another chance as they get better with multiple viewings. AWE is not a cluttered mess and only features the logical conclusions to the archs set up in DMC: save Jack, Elizabeth's redemption, thwart Davie Jones, save Bootleg Bill Turner from his damnation, marry Will & Elizabeth, defeat the evil trading corporation. All logically follow from DMC. I think it's the best supernatural action adventure series since the Indiana Jones series, which also has its critics of particular installments.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Even if it really is this bad it will make a million millions...

    by Carl XVI Gustaf

    I really do hope Beaks is wrong about Depp phoning it in. Still not sure if I'm seeing this or not.

  • May 17, 2011, 10:52 p.m. CST

    With the exception of a few inspired moments...

    by Citizen Sane

    ... the entire franchise has SUUUUUCKED!!!

  • This absolutely reeks of a petty 'revenge write up'. I take it AICN got snubbed by the Pirates crew and wasn't included for 'extra special treatment' this time around... But you know what? Personally I'll take even a lesser pirates movie over one of those steaming Transformers turds that AICN likes to pimp so hard.

  • May 17, 2011, 11:02 p.m. CST

    Has the same average as World's End

    by TheLastCleric

    And I loved that film along with the rest so whatever. I'll take a Pirates film over garabage like Tron and Avatar any day of the week. And Beaks...why the fuck would you even watch this flick if you hated the last two entries in the series?

  • May 17, 2011, 11:05 p.m. CST

    I expected garbage, so thanks for confirming(but it's in 3-D! YAY!)

    by IronEagle74

    Sad what's happened to movie making in Hollywood, really sad. Now it's all about the FLUFF, the CGI and the 3-D. They don't have to give us an entertaining story or good acting anymore to get people to go waste their money, so they don't even bother to try. Hell, even musical scores are a complete JOKE now. Nobody makes one that's memorable anymore like what John Williams used to create. But hey, forget me. this 'glorious' 4th installment of an already DEAD franchise is in 3-D, so go see it!!!!!! That's supposed to be enough to make it totally awesome!!

  • May 17, 2011, 11:07 p.m. CST

    By the way, who cares if a movie makes tons of money?

    by IronEagle74

    Making a ton of money doesn't necessarily mean a movie is great. There are mindless droves of people who go see crap every week in our society because they don't know any better. So stop correlating what a movie makes at the box office with how good or bad it is.

  • May 17, 2011, 11:13 p.m. CST

    Right Stegman, criticizing Jerry Bruckheimer must mean an ulterior motive

    by IndustryKiller!

    You've gotta be fucking kidding me, you can't really believe that. Man the crazy shit people will come up with to justify what they don't want to hear is astonishing.

  • May 17, 2011, 11:14 p.m. CST

    Dead Man's Chest could

    by hank henshaw

  • May 17, 2011, 11:14 p.m. CST

    Dead Man's Chest could

    by hank henshaw

  • May 17, 2011, 11:31 p.m. CST

    Pirates 5 is already in the works.....

    by BlackBriar

    I might check it out and see how horribly crappy it is...True ? is..Is Depp coming back to do another one? he's holding off for now, It's Disney as long they can make a billion dollars of this from toys, candy,toddler cups,bed sheets, pajamas etc..It won't stop them..unless Johnny says no. But who knows?

  • Learn to read between the lines, that's usually where the truth lies. If you don't think there's more going on with AICN's sudden anti-pirates stance, while the self same site praises Transformers wildly, well, you're even dumber than I took you for.

  • May 17, 2011, 11:54 p.m. CST

    Totally agree with you Beaks! SPOT on!

    by Carven

    I had seen POTC4 a few days ago at an advance screening. There's NOTHING fresh and new to be excited for. Everything you seen in the previous films are only reguritated into this new film, for the one and only purpose of Disney digging into your pockets to fish for whatever buck they can manage. I am not a heartless critic, I enjoyed the movie for what it was; a cheap thrill to piss away the weekend. Kinda like a prostitute, you just wanna go in, get what you want, leave and go about your buisness. If you go to see this movie, you already know what to expect if you've seen the previous movies. It's predictable thrills, a half-assed swashbuckling adventure that wants you to turn off your brain so you won't notice them separating you from your hard-earned cash. 3 out of 5 stars. Good for one viewing, only because I "was" a fan of the first two movies when I was younger.

  • May 17, 2011, 11:58 p.m. CST

    The First Two Were Great!!

    by Mako

    I really enjoyed the first two Pirates movies. Thought they were both well made and had some very creative sequences. Felt like early Spielberg like Films back in the day. The 3rd Pirates was bad. So much of the great stuff they set up in DEAD MAN'S CHEST - they shit on in AT WORLD'S END (Kraken/Davy Jones). DEAD MAN'S CHEST was a bit like the EMPIRE of the series the way it ended. And I was okay with that. But hearing all of this negativity towards the latest PIRATES has me worried. I think Gore Verbinski was a HUGE reason the first two Pirates were so good. And I fathom the 3rd one was bad because the studio pushed hard for two movies, and Gore was burnt toast at that point. I've never actually thought Rob Marshall was that great a director. Sounds like a frustrating movie. Lots of great talent wasted on what should have been a great comeback for Jack Sparrow. SIGH

  • May 18, 2011, 12:17 a.m. CST

    Robocop 2 is BALLS!

    by Spacezilla

    I cringe whenever people talk shit about it. Unlike all these shitty fucking follow ups to badass movies getting wattered down and going from R to PG13 Robocop 2 just went all "Fuck it." It is crazy. ITs got crazy balls. Weller is the greatest in R2. His robotic movements, acting... the greatest. The badguy is crazy and the nuke shit is classic. The little fucking maniac. The Robo.. fuck it the movie has so many good parts and is clever and almost as brilliantly satirical as the first (seriously watch it open minded again and it may surprise you. I don't know, the commercials and the Robo prototypes crack me up). I think it respects the first so much and really tried to carry on the fun and balls of the first. I wish geek movies today took as many chances. Sometimes I think people hate on the very things they think most people do. Like because its the popular opinion. Nuke.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:27 a.m. CST

    What a biased review.

    by HelveticaConspiracy

    All that unnecessary bile spewed @ Bruckheimer (who's given us some of the best blockbusters of the past 3 decades); yet, hardly one word is directed @ the true culprit: Rob Marshall. The man is an awful director. Everything he touches turns to sh*t (yes, especially, Chicago).

  • May 18, 2011, 1:13 a.m. CST

    I think the first 3 were all fucking terrible, anyway.

    by Mel

  • May 18, 2011, 2:09 a.m. CST

    So...

    by bubcus

    If "flames gotta eat" says it was better than #2 and #3, then I can be a little less wary of #4. I absolutely loved the 2nd movie and I tolerated and enjoyed the 3rd movie more on subsequent viewings.

  • May 18, 2011, 2:13 a.m. CST

    You guys suck. This looks neat.

    by TopHat

    When I go to movies I want to have FUN. I want to ESCAPE. My life as an Upper-Middle-Class white American male is incredibly stressful. I am met with so many hardships everyday; getting up in the morning, getting dressed, having to fix my own breakfast, driving to work in my car, having a job that I have to be at, being at my job, getting the good place in the lounge to eat my lunch, not getting the good place in the lounge to eat my lunch ...the list is never ending. My biggest problem right now is one that I think all of us have: money. The Recession has really hit me hard. I can't buy the thousand dollar 3-D HD Flat-Screen television that I really want. Or get those new Playstation video games that are coming out soon. I can barely afford to fill up my SUV that I drive for ten minutes to work. I NEED the relax time that paying fifteen dollars for an adult imax Real-D movie ticket, five dollars for a medium Coke, six dollars for a medium popcorn, and sitting for twenty minutes watching commercials gives me. Because I LOVE movies. And no stuck up, elitist asshole is going to tell me I can't do something. Jerry Bruckhiemer and Disney have families to support. Do you have any idea how many low-paying, non-fixed hours, no insurance jobs this movie created for people? And the money is going to support the Disney Corporation. You know, the guys who created BAMBI?? But, I guess BAMBI is too "low-brow" for you. I guess only us white collar employed suburbanites would be able to enjoy BAMBI. So, I don't know about you Mr. Beeks, but I'll take BAMBI. Fuck you.

  • May 18, 2011, 2:42 a.m. CST

    Only part one was good, the rest of them sucked..

    by ganymede3010

    Good riddance - a franchise I won't miss one iota.

  • May 18, 2011, 2:47 a.m. CST

    Viggeo, I was knocked out cold during POTC2.

    by ganymede3010

    The only thing I can remember was the Theater lights coming on and the credits rolling across the screen. That was one expensive nap!

  • May 18, 2011, 3:07 a.m. CST

    Pirates of the absolute bollocks

    by Denty420

    Black Pearl was a fun movie and a nice performance by Depp. Dead Man's Chest was overlong, incomprehendible and rambling. Didn't see At World's End in spite of the promise of Mr Richards, and will give this one a miss. Knocking one out at a shemale site is more tempting than the mediocrity that the POTC movies have become.

  • May 18, 2011, 3:09 a.m. CST

    IncomprehenSible

    by Denty420

    typo from last comment. Ah, the irony...

  • May 18, 2011, 3:12 a.m. CST

    Hope Beaks won't mind...

    by Gabba-UK

    I've quoted the bit comparing it negatively to Batman And Robin as my FB status. Oddly enough I was talking to my brother last night just how awful that film was. To think I would live to see a film that's worse than that fetid turd... except thanks to Beaks I will not be seeing it.

  • Paranoid much? . A quick look at the many other reviews around the world for this movie does seem to suggest that it is indeed, just a bit shit.

  • May 18, 2011, 3:55 a.m. CST

    viggeo_morgenstein

    by Denty420

    Autocorrect fail on the iPhone. Although the iPhone keyboard doesn't suck anywhere near as bad as POTC2.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:02 a.m. CST

    Still, Penelope Cruz is in it

    by Denty420

    and she has got one lovely pair of baps.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:04 a.m. CST

    stay home then

    by Rolland

    and leave the movies to the fans. I go for the whole package, and in my 37 years of watching movies, I have found that most critics are too fucking stuck up to have fun... stop looking for academy awards in popcorn flicks..asshole.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:05 a.m. CST

    she has

    by Rolland

    search the net, she has bared them plenty of times.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:13 a.m. CST

    Holy shit, a negative review for a tentpole?!?

    by Obnoxious_Username

    What did they do to piss you off, not send enough free swag? You guys give studio trash rave reviews all the time, so what makes this piece of shit so special?

  • May 18, 2011, 4:36 a.m. CST

    Dialogue does not exist in this dojo

    by Cobra--Kai

    "I, for one, support the missionary's position." I have little doubt that this movie is bad, but this line above that Beaks condemned is great! Nice bit of schoolboy humor...

  • While the consensus seems to be relief that a bad movie finally got a bad review on AICN I would just like to point out, in this moment of triumph, that when we are talking about piss poor film analysis and apologies on AICN we are talking about a problem epitomized by the horrid taste of Massawyrm. It's honestly as if your ex frat guy idiot uncle happened to be friends with the creator of the most widely discussed geek site on the internet who let the guy talk about films because he has nothing better to do on a friday night and he wont have to pay him much. If there is one person leading the charge of willfully negligent idiocy around here, it's him, and he should seriously be marginalized. Ah well, I can dream can't I?

  • A perfect excoriation of the kind of person that craves the "dumb summer movie" and "shutting off your brain". Seriously amazing.

  • May 18, 2011, 5:15 a.m. CST

    eviscerated by beaks

    by Waka_Flocka

  • May 18, 2011, 5:17 a.m. CST

    Mr Beaks = most erudite and literate writer on AICN

    by Ray Gamma

    Makes a nice change from Harry's usual fumblings with the English language.

  • May 18, 2011, 5:21 a.m. CST

    Bloated unnecessary sequels?

    by BookhouseBoy

    You disgust me...

  • May 18, 2011, 5:34 a.m. CST

    I EXPECTED THIS ... THE TRAILERS WERE AS FLAT AS A PANCAKE

    by unclemonty666

    bring back Gore Verbinski: you had to watch his Pirates films five times to take everything in, but at least that showed effort.

  • May 18, 2011, 6:30 a.m. CST

    It's a myth that people don't like films 2 & 3.

    by u.k. star

    You can't ignor that the 3rd film made pretty much the same money as second, except for in America, where it had a bif drop. (Tha's as likely to be because Americans are still prett Fantasy shy (Take Harry Potter and Lord of The Rings away and there's a ton of films that did ok / poor in the states and great everywhere else, like the Golden Compass) The dvd / Blu-ray sales are massive for both 2 & 3 and much bigger than for the firs. Yes SOME people didn't like them and they're very, very LOUD about it, but most people liked them just fine and there's plenty of evidence confirming as much. (Compare that to Matrix 2 and Matrix 3 where the 3rd filmm dropped massively in opening weekend and final grosses from the second. None of that has anything to with how good any of those films are, but the myth is getting really old and really annoying

  • May 18, 2011, 6:32 a.m. CST

    At least Gore Verbinski

    by Stan Arthur

    had enough sense to not touch this pile of shite.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:07 a.m. CST

    This Series Steady Decline

    by Autodidact

    First movie very solid. Orlando Bloom irritating. Second movie just as good, better creatures and stuff, but too much story. Third movie, hard to watch due to too much exposition and too many things going on as well as weak internal logic and retarded shit like Orlando Bloom getting married in the middle of the climactic battle.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:15 a.m. CST

    Beaks = Moriarty Lite

    by AssyMuffJizz

    Never accept imitations.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:16 a.m. CST

    Johnny Depp is full of shit.

    by knowthyself

    Artistic snob my ass. Why does he keep doing these stupid movies then?

  • May 18, 2011, 7:19 a.m. CST

    Next dog this summer? Hangover Part II: The sequelfying

    by knowthyself

    Seriously hangover II is as thrown together as Pirates 4 and Transformers 3.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:33 a.m. CST

    Pirates 2 and 3 were stupid

    by Ninkynonk

    I'm sorry, I can totally respect the opinion of people who enjoyed and more power to them. But for me they were overblown FX mindless drivel and totally in love with it's own mythology. Seriously what were those movies about anyway? I can't even remember. There were so many random things thrown around in that film that I've forgotten what the main plot was about.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:38 a.m. CST

    berguli

    by NightArrows

    I will ask this over and over until people get it through their stupid fucking heads. WHY does a popcorn flick have to mean "stupid fun"?? And why in the FUCK does every single person use "It's a popcorn flick, it shouldn't be Shakespeare" when defending bad movies? A popcorn flick doesn't have to be stupid, it doesn't have to have bad writing, it doesn't have to mean "check your brain at the door and you will enjoy it". It should mean "It's a big, fun, well thought out summer film". And d.vader, really, FANBOYS should be used when describing the ravenous fans of a particular film who adore it, not those of us intelligent enough to realize that part 2 and 3 of this series were dreck. Part 1 was an extreme amount of fun, part 2 and 3 were bloated and drawn out.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:46 a.m. CST

    claxdog

    by NightArrows

    What in the fuck is "pretenses" you ignorant tard? Did you mean "pretentious"? And I love the mouthbreathers who use THAT line as some sort of defence for popcorn flicks, good or bad. While I haven't seen the film yet, the movie does have Penelope Cruz and she is a death knell for me. Her voice is like a knife in my neck so it will be hard to drag my ass to see this movie...

  • May 18, 2011, 7:47 a.m. CST

    Everyone here hates everything anyways.

    by SithAboveAll

    So who cares about the reviews and the talkbackers. It's the same crap every time..."I knew it would suck!! This BLOWS!!!! Everything is horrible!!! I let my mommy suck me off!!!!" blah blah blah.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:56 a.m. CST

    And regarding her cans...

    by NightArrows

    After seeing some dude suck her cans in a film and tell her that one of them tastes "like an omelette", I really can't get excited for that part of her anatomy...egg tits...shudder...

  • May 18, 2011, 8:33 a.m. CST

    The Ballad of Jack Sparrow...

    by kells

    ...is better than all four movies combined.

  • May 18, 2011, 8:34 a.m. CST

    Beaks couldn't be more wrong...

    by billyhitchcock1

    ...just got back from seeing it and i'm going again in an hour. Yes i'm a pirates fool BUT, Rob Marshall has imbibed the franchise with a whole new realism that i don't think Beaks understands. Depp has to carry the film this time instead of being just the comic relief and instead of looking lazy and phoned in the performance looks more grounded in reality like you are watching real people talk instead of just some fantasy characters in an alternate universe. i liked the love story characters as well. it was perfect that they were just in the background instead of being hammy in the foreground like keira and bloom did for 3 films. not perfect, but a brave new direction for the franchise. self contained and concise. loved it. can't wait for 5.

  • May 18, 2011, 8:51 a.m. CST

    nightarrows..I think "some dude" was Javier Bardem.

    by The_Dark_Shite

    So, whatever her tits taste like, they can't be that bad.

  • May 18, 2011, 8:54 a.m. CST

    I think you're right

    by NightArrows

    Though I wasn't paying attention to the 'suck-er' only the 'suck-ee'. But still, omelette tits isn't an appetizing thought IMHO...

  • May 18, 2011, 8:58 a.m. CST

    Fanboys always had issue with this franchise...

    by impossibledreamers

    I didn't see any of the originals in the theatre, but once I finally got around to watching on DVD - I was completely hook-ed. I will definitely be seeing it this weekend and I no doubt won't be as ha-arrrsh as some. However, I will fully acknowledge that Dead Man's Chest did suffer from being a bridge between 1 and 3. And At World's End did meander midway. Personally, as a writer, my only main issue had always been 'How did Barbossa come back to life?' The only answer I could come up with was at the end of Black Pearl when Jack the monkey pulls a coin of the chest and hops down to Barbossa that perhaps he was still barely alive and the coin re-cursed him and brought him back. Oh well, its a plot hole the size of a long-nine cannonball, but most folks let it go.

  • May 18, 2011, 9:03 a.m. CST

    impossibledreamers...

    by billyhitchcock1

    ...Tia Dalma brought him back to life with her voodoo magic to help rescue Jack from the Kraken.

  • May 18, 2011, 9:18 a.m. CST

    CHOPPAH!

    by BSB

    Good to see youse.

  • May 18, 2011, 9:19 a.m. CST

    @Nightarrows

    by claxdog

    No I meant pretenses plural of pretense: a pretentious act or assertion.Because most of the movies if said director are a pretentious acts or assertion. get a fucking dictionary douche

  • May 18, 2011, 9:28 a.m. CST

    LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUMPING THE BROOM FOR ME THIS WEEKEND

    by BSB

  • May 18, 2011, 9:30 a.m. CST

    Depps act got old fast. Geoffrey Rush owns these movies

    by Knobules

    Sparrow was pretty awesome for about half the first one. Now its just some effeminant nonsense. Rush seems into though, it shows.

  • May 18, 2011, 9:47 a.m. CST

    The only way to make PIRATES 4 better

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    is to get rid of the horrid score and replace it with the Alan Parsons opus of LADYHAWKE.

  • May 18, 2011, 9:49 a.m. CST

    AND NIPPLEAGE, CHOPS

    by BSB

    Nippleage

  • May 18, 2011, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Wow.

    by blackwood

    I'm kind of floored. Not that I expected the movie to be great (I hoped for fun, at least, on the level of PRINCE OF PERSIA, which was fun enough), but... eesh. This review makes me feel sorry for the film. Reviews are split, skewing low, and 'phoned-in' seems to be the consensus, even from those who still got a kick out of it. It's a shame. I honestly think the franchise doesn't have to die this way. I feel sad now.

  • May 18, 2011, 9:56 a.m. CST

    mattman,pretty funny

    by frank

  • May 18, 2011, 10:26 a.m. CST

    People who champion the first film ...

    by ThreeOranges

    ... over the second two are championing timidity over bombast, laziness over excess, and mediocrity over ambition. The only fun to be had in the first film is the surprise of Depp's performance and the pleasure of seeing what amounts to zombies in a kiddie film. Otherwise, it's barely any better than standard live-action Disney films. It served as a springboard into two films that taken as a whole are quite an entertaining mess of piratey craziness.

  • May 18, 2011, 10:28 a.m. CST

    claxdog

    by NightArrows

    http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pretenses By that definition, which is what I was using, your statement still reads as retarded. I've had a few people read it, and it reads wrong. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pretentious Whatever.

  • May 18, 2011, 10:41 a.m. CST

    Fuck Jerry Bruckheimer

    by AsimovLives

  • May 18, 2011, 10:48 a.m. CST

    I agree Dead Man's Chest is the empires trikes back

    by knowthyself

    of the Pirate films. Amazing villain, great ending, epic and adventurous all the way through. The first pirates is great, don't get me wrong, but the sequel bested it in every way imaginable. I like the third as a closer to the trilogy but it is terribly convoluted and nearly loses it's way several times. The worlds end scenes are worth admission though, crazy shit.

  • I guess the check didn't cleared.

  • May 18, 2011, 10:58 a.m. CST

    by JokerFC

    well I enjoyed Dead Mans Chest AND At Worlds End so this bullshit filled review is useless to me.ah well AICN got ONE right with Thor-cant keep up those type of averages

  • They have a new master now. They now have another source of income.

  • I beg to differ in regarding to TRON, DRAGONSLAYER and THE BLACK HOLE. Nobody disses DRAGONSLAYER on my watch.

  • May 18, 2011, 11:08 a.m. CST

    Now can somebody please make a realistic pirate movie?

    by AsimovLives

    Chekc out the real historical stuff about piracy in the Americas in the 16th to 18th century, and it's fascinating stuff. They actually had a sort of democratic system to them, and somebody was elected to captain due to merit or a very good electorial campaign (as true then as today). They evne invented a sort of social security system which gave extra payments if you were injured and mutilated on the mission, like indemnities. They even had specific monetary quantities for specific mutilations, depending on how bad they were and which bodly part was mutilated. And most pirates were actually farmers. Whenever a farmer fell on hard times, they took to piracy for added income. In this regard, they were pretty much like the vikings of old. And there wa far more women pirates in the business then most would think. The idea of lady pirates is not fancies of fantasy, they really existed, and they could be as feared as the guys. Piracy actually provided a sort of equal oportunities for the ladies back then.

  • May 18, 2011, 11:10 a.m. CST

    industrykiller!

    by AsimovLives

    AICN and MrBeaks can now affort to speak bad of Bruckheimer and his shitty movies because they are now getting payed from another sourse, from JJ Abrams. Their income is secured. They can now afford the luxery of pissing on Bruckheimer, which they should had done since day one if they hadn't sold out to him so many years ago.

  • May 18, 2011, 11:14 a.m. CST

    That is very disappointing

    by frank

    I thought this one had the potential to be the best one of these films yet. I will see what other reviewers have to say, but it doesn’t look promising I guess.

  • May 18, 2011, 11:14 a.m. CST

    Asi

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    you forgot SNOWBALL EXPRESS, NORTH AVENUE IRREGULARS, FREAKY FRIDAY, HERBIE GOES BANANAS and THE COMPUTER WHO WORE TENNIS SHOES.

  • May 18, 2011, 11:18 a.m. CST

    "I support the missionary's position is actually a funny line

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    Sorry, Beaks, but you should have picked a better example to prove how crappy the script is.

  • Even better than Avatar, imco. (in my Choppah opinion)

  • I guess he's too serious a cineast to comment on the quality of the 3D.

  • May 18, 2011, 11:32 a.m. CST

    Disney stock is among the most overvalued on the market.

    by Citizen Sane

    Primarily because they're properties are crap. People are gradually walking up to this. I would sell now before it dumps a big, smelly turd in your lap.

  • May 18, 2011, 11:41 a.m. CST

    PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN has been soulless from the first film

    by Jeff Myers

    And imagine how shit they would have been without Depp's Keith Richards routine - which wasn't even planned. Cash in.....

  • May 18, 2011, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Watch, this thing will be "rebooted" with a younger cast

    by Knobules

    Ex: The new Spiderman being made now for some reason. Starring Kim and that other wookie fatass sister Kardshian as the Pearls anchors. Hip and Awesome. E! channel will be all over it. "Oh we really loved the script" says Kim. Drunk with a black eye from her mothers tantrums.

  • I loved the first film. Detested the second and third. How will this be different? Easy. It'll be worse. AND in crappy fake 3D for 35% more money. Somehow I think I will not be paying to see this turd.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:01 p.m. CST

    Depp's got some 'splainin' to do...

    by openthepodbaydoorshal

    With this and The Tourist, he seems to be coasting through his "commercial" projects.

  • Fuck yes, Choppah. Dean Jones' pinnacle at the Disney factory. And the "The Boatniks." DO NOT DISS THE BOATNIKS.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:09 p.m. CST

    Also, very sorry to hear this about PoC4.

    by WriteForTheEdit

    I had actually started to hope this might be okay... Fuck.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:21 p.m. CST

    writefortheedit

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    choppah forgives you. Choppah holds a dear place for ALL Pre-90s Disney live-action works in his heart. And occasionally during sex, I like to hum the Disney Afternoon theme songs right before I come. It depends what mood I'm in, it can be a TailSpin day or Ducktales or even Gummi Bears. But when i hatefuck, i always finish up with Darkwing Duck. Always.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:36 p.m. CST

    Just saw this.

    by notspock2

    It's a sad day when you are watching a movie and you are thinking, "What this movie needs is more Orlando Bloom..." It doesn't, yet when you see his replacement, it becomes clear that this script clearly wasn't ready to go before the cameras... It starts off ok, with fun, though spurious introductions to the characters in London, then the whole thing loses it's way, breathlessly proceeding from meaningless set piece to meaningless set piece. McShane is wasted, Rush is shoehorned into his role just so they can keep him around, Cruz is just kind of there and lacks chemistry with Depp, and Depp is as always. Some good ideas, and the occasional funny moment, It's nowhere near as horrible as some people have been making but there's no real reason to recommend it.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Darkwing Duck was a closeted Nazi

    by NightArrows

    I do love the old school Disney live action flicks mentioned. TRON (obviously), Black Hole, 20,000 Leagues, etc. etc.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:40 p.m. CST

    DarkSchwing Fuck...

    by WriteForTheEdit

    ...Cummi Bears... ...FuckTails... ...TailSpin... that one works just fine as is... This is how my mind is working this morning...

  • Great work.

  • May 18, 2011, 12:58 p.m. CST

    asimovlives

    by BlackBauer0320

    Ever read Pirate Latitudes by Michael Crichton? About halfway through and would love to see it put to film. Could be the "realistic piracy" film you're looking for.

  • Hopefully it kills the chances of either of these movies happening.

  • May 18, 2011, 1:26 p.m. CST

    How about 'Big People, Small World'?

    by NightArrows

    Where full sized people rampage through Little Peoples-only communities? Disney could tie that into the ride and have the Rolloffs featured?

  • May 18, 2011, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Little Indian, Big City?

    by THE_CHOPPAH

  • May 18, 2011, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Treasure Island (1990)

    by JAGUART

    Made for TV with Christian Bale as Jim Hawkins and Charlton Heston as LJS. Heston may not be the definitive Silver here, but a fine supporting cast and faithful adapation elevates the whole production. Oliver Reed as Billy Bones is pure delight. Music by the Chieftains. Check it out.

  • May 18, 2011, 1:56 p.m. CST

    Depp sold out in not turning this down

    by performingmonkey

    With no Verbinski onboard he should have told Disney to fuck themselves. As soon as Rob Marshall was announced as his replacement I knew it would suck donkey dick. They also SHOULD have fired the screenwriters after they proved they could NOT write with At World's End. You can visibly see the point where they didn't even realise what their story was or what page they were on. It's a real shame as this definitely had the potential to be an amazing movie, especially based on Tim Powers' On Stranger Tides novel!! *sigh*

  • May 18, 2011, 2:06 p.m. CST

    the_choppah

    by AsimovLives

    All those are movies i never saw.

  • May 18, 2011, 2:09 p.m. CST

    blackbauer0320

    by AsimovLives

    Thanks for the recomendation, friend.

  • May 18, 2011, 2:12 p.m. CST

    jaguart

    by AsimovLives

    The 1990 TREASURE ISLAND movie, of course! I saw it when it was released in the theaters back then. If i'm not mistaken, Heston's son was the director. Yeah, it's a damn good fun movie. Great score by the Chieftains. And young Mr Bale holds his own next to legends like Heston and Christopher Lee and many other big time acting legends. Thank you for reminding me of TRESURE ISLAND. Damn good movie. But i doubt the movie would actually pass all the realistic pirate movie stipulations i wished for. Still, loads of fun.

  • May 18, 2011, 2:21 p.m. CST

    I fathered a love child with Maria Shriver!

    by Arafel

    Arnold Schwarzenegger split from his wife after he discovered she had fathered a child over 10 years ago with a member of their household staff. That would be me, the butler. Maria Shriver - who was married to the ‘Terminator’ actor for 25 years and has four children, Katherine, 21, Christina, 19, Patrick, 17, and Christopher, 13, with him – moved out of the family’s Los Angeles mansion earlier this year after she admitted to giving birth to the child over 10 years ago.

  • May 18, 2011, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Asimov

    by riggs_and_murtaghs_love_child

    Love those ideas for a "realistic" Pirate movie. Elections. Fiscal systems. Could be a fool proof cure for insomnia. Not that the POTC movies are anything great (first one rocked, the other two, ehhhh not so much) But seriously....reality based Pirates? That's what the History channel is for dude.

  • May 18, 2011, 3:07 p.m. CST

    I have seen 2 other reviews that state its still worth watching

    by majortom25

    I have seen 2 reviews stating its not as good as the other three but still worth going to see. Not nearly as bad as what this reviewer thinks. They must have gotten dissed by disney. PS this site has written glowing reviews for movies that I thought have been horrible

  • May 18, 2011, 3:11 p.m. CST

    just got back from seeing it for the second time today...

    by billyhitchcock1

    ....and i enjoyed it more the second time. this film is actually more realistic than the other 3. the 3d was not great though. saw it in 2d this morning and then 3d this evening, and it seems like about half the shots in the film didn't have any 3d at all. i took my glasses off in a few places and it wasn't even blurred.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:07 p.m. CST

    Excellent Review

    by filegumbo

    Well written...the most eloquent and analytical I've seen on the site in a while.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:09 p.m. CST

    LOL WHY U MAD THO?

    by doom master

    hating on Pirates movies.... dont hate. masturbate.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:49 p.m. CST

    mattman

    by BlackBauer0320

    Not sure if you're serious about that part of Pirate Latitudes, but I know you're not the type to mess around, so I have to assume you are not kidding about the Kraken. I could scream SPOILER ALERT since I haven't gotten there yet but I'm not a whiner so I won't make much of it. I will say that I'm disappointed to hear it though. I feel that the first few sections of the book have done a good job fleshing out some flawed characters and providing enough detail to make the imagery come to life pretty well. Sounds like that may go down the tube though. Ah well. I shall reserve judgment.

  • May 18, 2011, 4:50 p.m. CST

    I hope it bombs.

    by Gozu

    I hope that it becomes Disney's "Sucker Punch." Like who's actually excited for this crap?

  • May 18, 2011, 5 p.m. CST

    As a huge Tim Powers fan, I am disappointed

    by Lang The Cat

    I did not expect his novel to make it unscathed to the screen, but I was hoping it might provide some life to the series, instead someone has worked a cool story into studio tripe. I think I will pass on Pirate Menudo.

  • May 18, 2011, 5:16 p.m. CST

    Pirates 4 is perfectly fine

    by Wormie1

    Ignore Beaks' hysterical review. This is not Batman & Robin. It's not a great film, but if you enjoyed the other POTC movies, you'll probably enjoj this.

  • May 18, 2011, 5:45 p.m. CST

    riggs_and_murtaghs_love_child

    by AsimovLives

    Who says a realistic pirate movie couldn't kick ass? Of course it could. no, the movie would not be about elections and such, but it would be included to give a flavour of how things were. Of course a realistic pirates movie would kick ass. Thinking otherwise just shows an incredible lack of imagination.

  • May 18, 2011, 5:46 p.m. CST

    sithmenace_returns

    by AsimovLives

    MrBeaks understands the art of filmmaking? Obviously you haven't read much of his reviews.

  • May 18, 2011, 5:47 p.m. CST

    mattman

    by AsimovLives

    "PS this site has written glowing reviews for movies that I thought have been horrible" Don't forget Abrams Trek.

  • May 18, 2011, 6:29 p.m. CST

    no worries mattman

    by BlackBauer0320

    I am of the opinion then if a book or movie has been out long enough, it is foolish to get riled up about spoilers. I could have read that at anytime about the book, for as you said, the reviews all mention it. If disappointed enough in the book, perhaps I will cave to your self-proclaimed product placement and check out your work. As a nondouchbaggy English major, I'm always willing to check out new/amateur stuff like that (not making a comment on the quality).

  • May 18, 2011, 7:18 p.m. CST

    I actually liked Pirates 3

    by WINONA_RYDERS_PUSSY_JUICE

    I agree with Assimov, a realistic pirate movie could be awesome (obviously)

  • May 18, 2011, 7:24 p.m. CST

    well beaks is the worst reviewer on the site...

    by jsfithaca

    so this will be awesome. and the third was awesome. people gotta stop hating. 2nd was mediocre ill admit, but im pumped for this

  • May 18, 2011, 7:27 p.m. CST

    Saw it today. It's not good.

    by vadakinX

    I was going to send in a review but I wasn't sure who to send it to so I'll post some brief thoughts here. On Stranger Tides wasn't good. I really liked the first film and had the same problems with its first two sequels as many others (a convoluted plot, terribly paced etc). But this latest installment is stale. That's the only word that comes close to adequately describing my feelings on the matter. Depp was clearly phoning it in, the plot was boring and filled with inconsequential characters that had little stories that I supposed I was meant to care about but they were so underdeveloped they became nothing but meaningless filler. This was a paint by numbers Pirates of the Caribbean film without any of the fun or adventure of the first film and to a lesser extent the second and third. It actually feels like there was 30 minutes cut out of the film. The film essentially revolves around a race between the Spanish, the English and the pirates to the Fountain of Youth. The Spanish hardly feature and are reduced to near faceless enemies whose motives are not revealed until the end and because we never get a sense of what kind of people they are, the motives feel hollow and totally underdeveloped. It's no secret that Barbossa returns for this film. His own mission is one that again, we are supposed to care about but an important event revolving around him actually occurs before the movie even begins. It's an important detail that we are told about rather than being shown. That's a major problem of the film. The old film making rule of show, don't tell has been reversed. Exposition has long been a part of the series but it has never been delivered in such a boring and uninspired way. Blackbeard also has a role in the film of course. He's set up as the villain but like Barbossa, many of his important characteristics needed for the plot are forged long before the timeline of the movie. He is an inept villain. McShane does what he can but he seems as bored in his first Pirates film as Depps seems in his fourth. A part of me wonders if the budget was actually cut for this film. The reason is because for a film about pirates on the high seas it is seriously lacking in one element - a ship to ship battle. There are none in the entire film. One scene offers the opportunity but nothing happens. Of course the first three films had plenty of ship to ship battles but with the rest of the film being so dull, such a battle would have been a welcome sight even if we've seen different permutations of such battles in previous films. Ultimately this film is forgettable and doesn't come close to approaching the sheer fun swashbuckling fantasy of the first film. It's boring. Dull. Limp. Impotent. It's bereft of life. It's ceased to be. This is an ex-Pirate...um..film.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:29 p.m. CST

    "I love all 3 almost as much as Star Wars and Indy..."

    by ZodNotGod

    So do I, but I do not like the Pirate junk. Depp is tiresome.

  • May 18, 2011, 7:44 p.m. CST

    Watched "Pirates 4 " last night.

    by j pender

    i watched "Pirates 4" last night and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, i found it to be exactly what it is, a fun ride. Mr Beaks is a angry old cock, and i dont know what he was expecting from a movie based on a Disneyland ride? The so called people who run this site are way to full of themselves, I personally am sick of hearing about fatboys medical problems for a start and the fact "Batman and Robin " was compared to the new "Pirates" goes to show the depth these reviewers have. I mean these guys actually rate the garbage that was "Fast 5" for christs sake.

  • May 18, 2011, 8:13 p.m. CST

    mattman

    by BlackBauer0320

    Have never read On Stranger Tides but it's definitely on my list after all of the mentions among this thread. Just read that first chapter and it kept my interest. Always intriguing to read a woman's story coming from a male's perspective. Based on the events laid out and the cover, is it safe to assume that it plays out as a revenge tale? Also, not to get all Grammar Police but after workshopping a million stories, I feel it's only my duty to point out the line, "They pair of them watched the ship for an hour, until at last the sun began to set." Not sure if it just got mistaken in the translation but I figured I'd throw it out there. Cheers!

  • i dont think anyone could survive a movie as excrutaingly retarded and funny as that movie

  • May 18, 2011, 10:34 p.m. CST

    Prince of Persia "fun"? Prince of Persia FUN?!

    by CT1

    what is this i dont even

  • May 18, 2011, 11:57 p.m. CST

    'Kenny G playing with his back to the audience'

    by Larry Sellers

    That was worth reading this entire review. I would've preferred the Barbossa-protagonist prequel in which there's a mutiny against Capt Jack. Honestly, that's one prequel I'd actually be interested in seeing. This looks phoned-in just from the trailers. Why wasn't Verbinski involved at all? He at least helped to craft the near-epic story of the last 2 movies, which don't deserve so much hate. The Jack Sparrow in limbo scene was awesome and Naomie Harris was worth watching as well. Also the pirate fellowship was kinda cool...and Gareth's eye being a plot device...and Davy Jones...man there were some good ideas in there. Those movies were just too fucking bloated for their own good. But I'd never say they were horrible.

  • May 19, 2011, 12:19 a.m. CST

    Silly overblown garbage, almost as brainless as Transformers

    by quantize

    Could not take one more howling Hans Zimmer choir, one more bit of Depp mumbling doing his 'character' after the last one..Even the presence of finer actor has not helped, these movies are idiotic and fail to bring back the classic high seas adventure of the 50's films

  • May 19, 2011, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Movie sounds like shit

    by WINONA_RYDERS_PUSSY_JUICE

    It's gonna be shit. If it smells like shit, it's probably shit.

  • May 19, 2011, 12:46 a.m. CST

    I heartily endorse or condemn this product

    by jackofhearts29

    Thought it might be shit, but I was hoping for something at least palatable. Unfortunately, Hollywood has even got the shit-flavoring machines set to "as shit as possible." Still, audiences eat 'em up out of Depp's asshole, as sure as they will from Bay's moon crack later this summer

  • May 19, 2011, 1:25 a.m. CST

    If the exposition is handled like Tron 2 then

    by Spacezilla

    I will be way the fuck cool with it. I dug how they went to flashback scenes that looked trippy as fuck. Like when they showed what went down with Clu turning and Tron protecting Flynn. The look was awesome. I loved that! I am guessing they aren't going to cut to any flashback scenes. I read the Pirates 4 review from Drew on his site and the dude compared this exposition stuff in Pirates 4 with Tron 2. WTF?! I am done with that dude forever. His opinions will forever mean shit to me. On another note if Arnold wants to do some serious damage control then he needs to do King Conan fucking STAT! All this douchery will be forgiven.

  • May 19, 2011, 2:02 a.m. CST

    Just watched it...

    by shaladz

    Got to watch it earlier tonight in advance, and it was meh. Definitely better than the 3rd, which is what everyone is going to tell you. Could have done without the missionary/mermaid love storyline. That could have cut 20 minutes out of the film. All in all, the series is getting stale, basically just rehashing everything from the previous movies, especially the jokes. Entertaining, but nothing incredible.

  • May 19, 2011, 2:17 a.m. CST

    vadakinx

    by AsimovLives

    A pirates movie without a sea battle? specialy one which has Blackbeard as the villain? Hell, Blackbeard was famous because of his involvementin quite a few sea battles, he even died in one. Weird, man, just weird.

  • May 19, 2011, 2:18 a.m. CST

    winona_ryders_pussy_juice

    by AsimovLives

    Despiste our occasional animosity, i'm glad to know you would also like to see a more realistic type pirate movie. Just because a movie goes for realism doesn't make it any less badass. HEAT, anybody?

  • Which comes as a suprise even to me, considering the soul-sucking nazgul who produces this movies. There's stuff in the sequels i enjoyed and liked. But as many have said before, it's over-blown, it's over-long (i rarely, ever accuse a movie of this, so it has to mean something), and it just has too much plot but not so much story. The Pirates movies, and evne the first, suffer from this very common today's blockbuster desease, they are so chocked-full of shit happening, but almost none is of real importance to the story. Basically, the sequels allowed the special efects to tell the story instead of the script.

  • May 19, 2011, 7:14 a.m. CST

    mattman

    by AsimovLives

    "Not a fan of Bruckheimer either, but with the Pirates movies he seems to let far more talented people do the work" I feel the same way. Maybe Gore Verbinski is n hard-ass director who doens't suffer fools gladly and mannaged to out-maneuver Bruckheimer and his usual tendency to put his ugly pawns on all the movies he produces. One thing i liked about the 3rd Pirates movie was the rsolution of the love story between Elisabeth and Will. They could had gone all sappy happy ending, but instead they gave it a bittersweet feel to it. I liked that. It's one of thethings the movie did right. Yeah, the quality of the SFX and the sets in the Pirates movies are beyond reproach. I still find it hard to believe that Davy Jones is a full rendered CGI character (with an invisible Bill Nightly under it). But stil there's this feeling of them being over-busy, of being over-designed. Usually, i love movies, specially dfantasy or historical type movies to have this type of barroque set design (and the Pirates movies do happen during the barroque epoch, so it's apt). Still, the movie fells like the art department went wild while the script department took a vacation and never returned. One thing that upsetted me about the sequels was that what was once likable characters became sons of bitches. That's not character development, it's more like ass-pull. And then in the 3rd movie we get to see this weird ass constant backstabbing from EVERY CHARACTER in the movie, which just gets anoying like hell. Sometimes i wonder if both the sequels movies story couldn't had been told with just one movie. To quote from The Fellowship Of The Ring, it's like too little butter spreaded too thin over too much bread.

  • May 19, 2011, 7:15 a.m. CST

    "It's funny that Fast Five gets so much praise"

    by AsimovLives

    Maybe it's the public and critics reaction to the type of filmmaking style that the Pirates movies so well represent. It has to mean something. Times are a-changing?

  • And yet your entire being is devoted to hating the shit out of JJ Abrams, a director who actually - despite a couple of shit films have consistently deliver far more entertaining films that the entire pirate 'franchise' (let's face it, that's ALL it is).. You're not just self important, you're an inconsistent fuckwit. Please bore the shit out of everyone at length justifying your rank hypocrisy.

  • May 19, 2011, 8:41 a.m. CST

    Rob Marshall never good made a good film: what did you expect??

    by FleshMachine

    chicago: terrible. geisha...wasted a great novel

  • May 19, 2011, 9:35 a.m. CST

    I liked it just fine.

    by Zarles

    Saw it about a week ago at an advance screening, and while it's not as energetic as any of Gore Verbinski's work, it's also not the floundering mess that both Beaks and Drew over on HitFix seem to have thought it was. Much more on track with the vibe of the original film, and stripped clean of all the unnecessary and redundant plotlines and backstories that weighed down the sequels. Plus, the mermaid attack is fucking awesome.

  • May 19, 2011, 9:56 a.m. CST

    third is the best...

    by Suskis

    1st is mediocre, mostly due to Bloom and Knightley being too young and unable to act. 2nd is even cheaper. 3rd has best music, effects and story (yes, it's messed up, but who cares). In terms of how much I enjoyed the movies, 3rd is really great.

  • May 19, 2011, 10:19 a.m. CST

    mattman

    by BlackBauer0320

    Editing is a bitch, and usually the absolute hardest and worst part about writing. But don't worry, I won't overcharge you for that catch (ha). I like the idea of the different perspectives. I should have picked up on that from the chapter title. Personally, I usually write short-fiction but I've used that format several times and find it quite enjoyable.

  • May 19, 2011, 11:18 a.m. CST

    Not related but funny - check out Arnie's little fooker!

    by HarryBlackPotter

    Looks just like him, down to the jutting jaw and gappy front teeth. It's like Meet the Fookers when Ben Stiller sees that kid that looks just like him - except it isn't - but in this case IT IS!!! Ha-Ha. The spermenator!

  • May 19, 2011, 11:52 a.m. CST

    soundtrack

    by wrx

    The soundtrack was very good. as a matter of fact it seemed like the soundtrack for a much better movie. I was bored to tears. Nothing i haven't seen before, nothing memorable , it just felt like a collection of extra scenes from Pirates 1-3

  • May 19, 2011, 12:53 p.m. CST

    Raping Tim Powers

    by Woodrow_Wilson_Smith

    I dunno if any of you are aware, but the title is based on the Tim Powers fantasy novel. One of the best writers of the twentieth century. Vastly better than a hack like George Martin. Vastly. Having his work savaged to produce this shit fills me with a real sadness.

  • May 19, 2011, 1:47 p.m. CST

    quantize

    by AsimovLives

    "JJ Abrams, a director who actually - despite a couple of shit films have consistently deliver far more entertaining films that the entire pirate 'franchise'" That statement is so full of wrong it's beyond belief. JJ Abrams couldn't make a movie 1/10th as fun or good as the worst Pirates movie. And those are flawed movies to begin with.

  • May 19, 2011, 2 p.m. CST

    Still Hopeful

    by Wcwlkr

    I'm still going to see it, and I love Depp as Captain Jack. Definitely dis-liked the 3rd but it wasn't because of Depp. I don't think Depp carrying the movie alone is a bad thing at all.

  • May 19, 2011, 2:23 p.m. CST

    No surprise there. The two sequels were AWFUL. Unwatcheable.

    by Playkins

  • May 19, 2011, 2:48 p.m. CST

    mattman

    by AsimovLives

    He will not. and you know why? Becasue JJ Abrams is not a filmmaker at heart. At heart's he's a studio executive who was able to get directing gig. All his movies reflect thaty perfectly, they are movie made from the point of view of a studio executive. As such, he must be a dream for the studios, since he's just one of them. But it makes him a terrible filmmaker. The trick he pulls, constantly, is that he surrounds himself wth talented people. But even then his lack of filmmaking talent shows. He's hopeless. All he has in his favour is his great skill as a salesman.

  • May 19, 2011, 8 p.m. CST

    So the first POTC is still the only good one, I guess?

    by Orbots Commander

    I also caught the second one in theaters, but was so let down by most of it that I didn't bother to even watch At World's End until I came across it some late night on HBO. This just seems like more of the same. Lots of bombast, Depp's sashaying and not much else. Well, Penelope Cruz IS in this one. There's that at least.

  • May 19, 2011, 8:25 p.m. CST

    mattman

    by BlackBauer0320

    I'm not sure I can be considered a "writer," at least not in the same way as yourself (I have nothing published, outside of the college newspaper back in the day). But I majored in Creative Writing and have certainly written my fair share of works (all of them relatively short). Mostly realistic fiction. The character perspective certainly offers a lot of options, which can be tough to choose from when you wrap everything up. Do you find yourself choosing based on what you think would interest the reader most or rather what fits the format best? Or maybe just what feels right? It's both the beauty and the difficulty of writing.

  • May 19, 2011, 8:35 p.m. CST

    Good review, Beaks, but crap...

    by FeralAngel

    ...I was kinda looking forward to seeing this. Ahhh, the hell with it. I'll wait for Del Toro's Haunted Mansion reboot. Sounds more interesting anyway.

  • May 19, 2011, 10:57 p.m. CST

    Richard Fleischer's The Narrow Margin

    by dukeroberts

    Love that movie. Charles McGraw is great in that, with his toughest of tough guy voices. And Marie Windsor as a tough talking dame was the tops.

  • You're full of wrong yourself..your powers of judgment fail you completely to make such a ridiculous statement

  • May 19, 2011, 11:38 p.m. CST

    the logic....

    by quantize

    The Pirate movies are light-weight, try-hard silly brainless fluff... Your problem is Abrams Star Trek doesn't come up to YOUR dick faddling, self importan,t fatuous idea of how intellectual Star Trek 'should 'be.. Your so blinded you can't even appreciate the difference, you'll pretend a McDonalds meal is still healthier than fresh food because you're such a wanker you don't like the garnish. It makes you a complete fool.

  • May 20, 2011, 3:02 a.m. CST

    Keep your money for Tintin

    by Gorgomel

    Tintin will rule the world

  • May 20, 2011, 4:51 a.m. CST

    And... I was right.

    by TheMarineBiologist

    I loved it. Adored it. Ate up every second of it. It pandered very much to those of us that actually thoroughly enjoy this universe and the movies that preceded it.<p> If you are a fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, you will watch this and hope for another. If you aren't, well... you won't. Simple as that.

  • It's a different formula, deal with it. The ONLY issue Orcus had was what happened to the Missionary and the Mermaid

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