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FAST FIVE is breathlessly entertaining man porn & the best of the series!

I'm not coming around to FAST FIVE late like so many of my fellow critics that seem to have previously dismissed the entire ridiculously fun series.   I have enjoyed thoroughly the entire franchise.   I haven't thought they were brilliant works of cinema.   But for a series birthed from a Roger Corman produced Drive-In feature...  I've enjoyed the hell out of it.   I see it as part of my genetic coding.   I am programmed at my core to love hot fast cars, hot fast women...  and sweaty hard men that will race you, beat you and get real goddamn intense with you.    

The first was a perfect introduction to this HOT WHEELS-esque universe, the 2nd dropped its balls & became a hilarious spoof of testosterone that succeeds wildly as a gay buddy action flick - while desperately trying to deny that.   The third was bugnuts insane - a Japanese High School Confidential with the most absurdly dangerous street racing that I've ever seen in my life, but because I adore High School flicks - it cracked me up incessantly.   The fourth was an attempt to get the series away from the realm of video in which it was headed.    

We were seriously looking at a film franchise headed to video.   But that fourth film getting Walker & Diesel back together again - well that got a very large audience that has been growing with each release to get excited.

What is FAST FIVE?   It is the AVENGERS of the FAST & THE FURIOUS Universe.   Doesn't matter what we knew about those characters from their own films - here they were ASSEMBLED with a silly plot about stealing $100 million dollars from a drug dealing crime mafioso who apparently survived DESPERADO to rule all of Rio!   In addition some genius somewhere decided to add into the equation a superhero that had not been a part of this burgeoning goliath of a series.   And putting Dwayne Johnson in this series is simply a brilliant popcorn masterstroke.   

I have personally been awaiting THE ROCK to become a movie star.  He's officially been one by every other barometer, but to me...  Dwayne has been perilously close to just being a would be star...  but in FAST FIVE - he barrels into this series like it's his fucking movie.   Fuck Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson will eat every scene he is in...   and then, when you put Dwayne and Vin on screen...   dude...  It is Batman & Superman.   Hulk & Thor.   These two testicular titans just made each other bigger than either has ever been before.    As I write this - the box office Nostradamuses are declaring this to be the biggest opening weekend for any Universal film in history, eclipsing JURASSIC PARK.  

Think about that.   This was a series that was continually defying the expectations of the "serious critics" and here it is playing stadiums like it was a fucking Spielberg flick.   That's all kinds of awesome - and in the case of this flick.  100% deserved.

For FAST FIVE they took the absolute best elements of all the best 4.   They took Vin & Paul & Jordana & Matt Schulze & Ludacris from the first.   They added in Tyrese from the second.  They brought Han back to life EMPIRE STRIKES BACK style (minus the cool actual bringing back part) from TOKYO DRIFT - and he's literally the soul of Han Solo.   I'll swear to it.   He's a bit of a scoundrel, little worn, effortlessly fucking cool.   I love Sung Kang's Han.   Then used the last film's cliffhanger to bounce forward into this one.   Then they hire THOR's wife, Elsa Pataky - best known in my world as Laura from BEYOND RE-ANIMATOR - they give her a couple lines about being Israeli Mossad - next thing I know - she's this team's equivalent of Black Widow's Natasha.   And I love that Natasha and Han Solo are fucking!   LOVE IT!   Oh - that's a spoiler.   

Then there's Dwayne's Hobbs' team.   They're all deadly badasses, except this one mourning widow come police officer to continue her husband's mission... and that's just so goddamn comic book, but it's kinda funny - she came from FAST & FURIOUS, the fourth film, but in this film - even though she is Gisele, the same actress Gal Gadot...  I'm pretty damn sure she's kinda playing a totally different character - and goddamn she's great.   

This feels like an epic comic book to me now.   Changing genres, altering fates of characters, bringing in stars from outside the series, inventing your own new stars and building up the stars you've already made.   It's practically fucking MARVEL how this film came to be.   

Problems?  The Dwayne Johnson versus Vin Diesel fight.   It should have begun where it did, broke through walls all the  way to Rio's beach as thousands of G-stringed Brazilian beauties beheld the titans of the modern cinematic popcorn arena kick a little sand on each other's sweaty hulking bodies.

Seriously.   That's what I feel this movie was missing.

If you've seen the film, but left before the end scene that takes place about midway through the credits...  Dude, Babe... get your ass back to the theater...  DO NOT READ ANYTHING ELSE - but seriously - it and your reaction is worth another watch.   My theater had emptied to about 20% capacity when it came on - and the audible gasp of HOLY SHIT was felt and all were instantly excited about FURIOUS SIX, what they better fucking call the next one.   Yeah!   

I love when a pet series really gets its shit together to fucking tromp the earth like it's the big new thing.   Welcome aboard my late coming friends.   Now you'll see why I've been excited.   This is a series I'd love to get into double digits.   Play fast and loose - become other genres, let the game get faster and more furious.   And Justin Lin knows what to do with it!

Readers Talkback
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  • April 30, 2011, 5:16 p.m. CST

    Post 0101010


    I seriously feel Justin Lin just did the AVENGERS of this movies' universe

  • April 30, 2011, 5:16 p.m. CST


    by The Krypton Kid

  • April 30, 2011, 5:17 p.m. CST


    by The Krypton Kid

  • April 30, 2011, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Han didn't come back from the dead

    by nick rogers

    "Tokyo Drift," in which he dies, takes place after all of the previous and subsequent films.

  • April 30, 2011, 5:31 p.m. CST

    I *heart* the LAWS OF PHYSICS

    by Simpsonian

    I'm not totally anal about it but why do they insist on breaking the laws! It's cool in campy comedy or action, but it doesn't make anything better. A kick-ass action movie that obeyed the laws of physics would be awesome. Any recommendations? Heat comes to mind but it's been a long time since I've seen it....

  • April 30, 2011, 5:40 p.m. CST

    I thought porn was man porn.

    by Cletus Van Damme

    I've already seen the first 4 though, so what's two more hours of my life?

  • April 30, 2011, 5:45 p.m. CST

    Characters are not who you say they are....

    by Kurt Zupin

    Gadot is returning from the 4th film and isn't on Hobb's team. That would be Elsa Pataky who is the gorgeous police women....but thats an easy mistake to make i'm sure

  • April 30, 2011, 5:46 p.m. CST

    Characters are not who you say they are....

    by Kurt Zupin

    Gadot is returning from the 4th film and isn't on Hobb's team. That would be Elsa Pataky who is the gorgeous police women....but thats an easy mistake to make i'm sure

  • April 30, 2011, 5:50 p.m. CST

    A good Fast and the Furious movie?? Wow, and all it took was 5 tries!

    by Andy Pandy

  • April 30, 2011, 5:51 p.m. CST

    Terrible writing here.....?

    by SmokingRobot

    Was this written by an A.I.? A high-school student? Barack Obama without Bill Ayers help?

  • April 30, 2011, 5:58 p.m. CST

    I don't even bother to read this crap anymore.

    by SierraTangoFoxtrotUniform

    First of all, it's obvious Harry has been bought out. Second of all, I am not spending any more time trying to translate what this illiterate jackass is trying to say. The movie be good, it be man porn, I want to suck all the lead actors' dicks all at one time, blah blah blah.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:01 p.m. CST

    Wow, smokingrobot...

    by The Krypton Kid

    has with one comment filled the moron quota for this talkback. Good job, teabag!

  • April 30, 2011, 6:05 p.m. CST

    "I seriously feel Justin Lin just did the AVENGERS of this movies' universe"

    by SierraTangoFoxtrotUniform

    Uh, what the fuck does that mean?? Avengers? What, the comic book? How did he do a comic book version of movies that are written worse than the bottom of the barrel comic books?

  • April 30, 2011, 6:07 p.m. CST

    This was obviously written by a 9-year-old girl.

    by Epsilon

    Have you ever been around a 9-year-old girl? They have no internal monologue. None. Everything that crosses their little minds just spills out without ever being simplified and organized into a coherent message.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:08 p.m. CST

    Yeah, saying The Rock owned a shitty movie isn't moronic at all.

    by SierraTangoFoxtrotUniform

    What are you, 8 years old? And did he insult your hero Obama? You seem extra sensitive. Do you and Obama share the same skin color or something?

  • April 30, 2011, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Harry... My witnessing of this was kind of astonishing!


    You like "sweaty hard men that will race you, beat you and get real goddamn intense with you"? You really enjoyed TWILIGHT as well, didn't you? Is there... maybe.... something you need to tell your wife?

  • April 30, 2011, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Oh, and Han wasn't "brought back to life" in ESB. He was brought back in ROTJ, dumbass.

    by SierraTangoFoxtrotUniform

    Not that it isn't bad enough that you mention it even on the same website as shit like Fast And Furious.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:16 p.m. CST

    If that's the best, I don't want to see any of the others

    by theBigE

    Just got back from a screening. I haven't seen any of the others in their entirety - just bits on TV. The movie was pretty ridiculous - very much a popcorn/junk food film. Dialogue was horrible, plot thin and full of holes. But the action was enjoyable, so it wasn't a complete waste.

  • They can crow records all they want but it is ridiculous to. At these ticket prices theatrical windows will be obsolete inside of 5 years, or reduced to a single weekend. I had fun at the movie though and Johnson was great. I wish his character would have walked off the screen to beat on the talkers though.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:19 p.m. CST

    uh, Gal Gadot was not on ROCK's team Harry

    by Spooky5026

    she was part of Vin's group. Elsa Pataky was the widower on the Rock squad.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:20 p.m. CST

    Wow, and sierratangofoxtrotuniform...

    by The Krypton Kid

    just filled the racist, douchebag quota. You and smokingrobot need to go somewhere intimate and plug away at each other, scumface.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:23 p.m. CST

    Ok, that answers my question about Krypton Kid.

    by SierraTangoFoxtrotUniform

    Worships Obama and shitty movies. Go jerk off to Madea movies, you knuckle-dragging buffoon.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:25 p.m. CST


    by William

    Could've been a simply mistake, or we could've just witnessed a slip that reveals Harry hasn't actually seen any of the original Star Wars films. That would blow my mind! Oh and I really don't know how many times it needs to be plastered on the internet, TOKYO DRIFT is the last film in terms of continuity. I really don't understand what is so hard to grasp about that. That reminds me of people STILL being confused about the continuity of the Star Wars films(speaking of). It's not hard to comprehend people. They give you the episode numbers IN the titles. Besides, Han even says he'll get to Tokyo "eventually" near the end of the film. That should tell you this all take place BEFORE the third film.

  • April 30, 2011, 6:42 p.m. CST

    krypton kid

    by superman76

    labelling someone a 'racist' because he asked if 'you and obama share the same skin color' is fucking ignorant and disingenious. how many times does your disgusted girlfriend have to slap your whiny, thin-skinned face daily?

  • April 30, 2011, 6:53 p.m. CST

    It's Official The AICN Staff has Lost All Credibility

    by ThisBethesdaSea

    Nuff said.

  • April 30, 2011, 7:06 p.m. CST

    Critics are idiots

    by kwisatzhaderach

    They all swim like fish and say the same thing. Fast Five is utter shit. Sadly the $80 million opening for it guarantees we'll be getting a Justin Lin Terminator film.

  • April 30, 2011, 7:18 p.m. CST


    by The Krypton Kid

    Madea and Tyler Perry suck you, racist scumbag. A racist cretin like you would assume that those who support President Obama are also fans of Tyler Perry films. Obviously the bigoted kind of math is the only math you know. Go get a real education, something more beneficial than your daily diet of Fox News and talk radio.

  • April 30, 2011, 7:19 p.m. CST


    by The Krypton Kid

    Madea and Tyler Perry suck, you racist scumbag. A racist cretin like you would assume that those who support President Obama are also fans of Tyler Perry films. Obviously the bigoted kind of math is the only math you know. Go get a real education, something more beneficial than your daily diet of Fox News and talk radio.

  • April 30, 2011, 7:20 p.m. CST



    Nothing that she isn't painfully aware of.

  • April 30, 2011, 7:22 p.m. CST

    superman76 (a.k.a. sierratangofoxtrotuniform's gimp)

    by The Krypton Kid

    How often does sierratangofoxtrotuniform let you out of the trunk to feed you pork rinds as you two cuddle in your favorite Snuggie and watch Glen Beck?

  • April 30, 2011, 8:23 p.m. CST

    This film needs Tom Welling so braindead can slobber over it!

    by HollywoodHellraiser

    IT= Tom Welling cock!! Seriously the guy been without nut-juice for awhile and thats why he trolling these AICN--HARD! Hopefully he'll get some donations from his johns tonite.

  • April 30, 2011, 8:37 p.m. CST

    The gay overtones were intentional, right?

    by TresEquis

    I have to believe you are fully self-aware and wrote that stuff intentionally, and that it was not just some huge, pulsing, sweaty, throbbing Freudian slip.

  • April 30, 2011, 8:39 p.m. CST



    How about I introduce you to a fistfull of TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION.

  • April 30, 2011, 8:44 p.m. CST

    took Vin & Paul & Jordana & Matt & Ludacris from the 1st.

    by ahdvd

    WRONG! Ludacris was in the second movie, not the first!

  • April 30, 2011, 8:48 p.m. CST

    you also got wrong who han ended up with (SPOILER obviously)

    by ahdvd

    He didnt end up with thor's wife (elena, not natasha), he ended up with Gal Cadot's 'giselle' who was a returning character from F&F4, Elena ended up with Dominic!

  • April 30, 2011, 8:55 p.m. CST

    Yeah, pretty sure you got elena and giselle mixed up

    by ahdvd

    Giselle is returning from F&F4 - correct, she is the one who arrives on a bike as part of the team not hobbs' team. SHE is the one who ends up with Han. Elena is the police woman, who's crusading after justice and joined the police after her husband was killed, she is sequested into Hobbs team and who dom also seems to know (though this is never explained), she is the one standing with The Rock on the bridge when he tells Dom he has 24 hours. And then she ends up with Dom at the end - here is the proof - that pic is from when they filmed the ending, before Brian tells Dom he wants another shot.

  • April 30, 2011, 9:02 p.m. CST

    The Hobbs character should have a spinoff franchise simply titled "Furious"

    by The Krypton Kid

    Johnson's Hobbs was mercilessly tough, unflinchingly cool, and easily the best thing about the movie. I would like to see a spinoff series of films for the Hobbs character in which he travels to lands throughout the world and tracks down the most dangerous, notorious, and elusive criminals.

  • April 30, 2011, 9:07 p.m. CST

    Fuckin' Fast Five, huh?

    by Al Swearengen

    Ain't that fuckin' Braindrain's turn of phrase for when he's servicing someone's prick?

  • April 30, 2011, 9:15 p.m. CST

    No, I wouldn't know. But that's what your clients tell me, fucknut.

    by Al Swearengen

  • April 30, 2011, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Such a dumb movie...but fuckin-A it was fun!

    by kafka07

    Good thing the incredible stunts and action distract you from the thin plot. And I felt the whole middle of the film didn't live up to the beginning and the end. There's a lull in the middle. Except for that BRUTAL fight between Diesel's and Johnson's characters. Epic fight.

  • April 30, 2011, 9:23 p.m. CST

    "... and get real goddamn intense with you."

    by MooseMalloy

    I pictured two shirtless men sitting across from one another at a table having a staring contest. That does happen at some point in the movie, right?

  • April 30, 2011, 9:24 p.m. CST

    You heard fuckin' wrong. No doubt, one too many cocks in your ears.

    by Al Swearengen

  • April 30, 2011, 9:31 p.m. CST

    "Hanah" is still the best action movie out there...

    by Mr. Waturi

    I liked "Fast Five" but it nowhere near as cool as "Hanah." Why aren't any of you butt-farts seeing it?

  • I bet you had a rough childhood. Getting beat up for being the whiny pussy you are. Then on top of that, you probably cried even more. Things have not changed for you, have they? Well, go watch some Madea and Meet the Browns and maybe those will put a smile on that face of yours.

  • April 30, 2011, 9:49 p.m. CST

    i'm watching it again in an hour

    by antonphd

    i watched it yesterday afternoon and i enjoyed it. it's my birthday today. it's been an awesome gorgeous day outside all day. now i'm going to go watch Fast Five again while the wife is studying and this time i'm seeing it with a big crowd.

  • April 30, 2011, 10:40 p.m. CST


    by BSB

    It was Seal. Good review dawg.

  • April 30, 2011, 10:50 p.m. CST


    by The Krypton Kid

    your scum. Case closed. Racist scum actually. Get bent. Oops. Forgot that you already are.

  • April 30, 2011, 10:57 p.m. CST

    i usually dont chime in to tell you your review fucking sucks...

    by Seth Cohen

    but this time, i will... a) these have NOTHING to do with the roger corman movie except swiping the name... wasnt a remake or a reboot. unrelated b) ludacris was in the second movie... ja rule was in the first... watch the movies dont just masturbate to them c) han isnt dead yet! they keep pushing tokyo drift further into the future to keep including him... why do you think lucas black wasnt part of the fast and furious dream team? fuck... get your facts straight... nothing like writing an inaccurate review...

  • April 30, 2011, 10:59 p.m. CST

    That was gibberish.

    by NixEclips

    And...It seems these newer talkbackers have no idea how it's supposed to be done. Not only has the site slipped into decline, but now the talkbacks have, as well. Was a fun ride, while it lasted.

  • April 30, 2011, 11:31 p.m. CST

    who gives a shit about plot?

    by SupermanIsMyGod

    Seriously. Its Fast and the Furious, not the King's fucking Speech. Anyone who paid to see this movie and didn't like it is clearly a moron. What did you think was going to happen? You must be the same people who go see the Transformers movies and complain about the thin plot in the movie BASED ON AN 80'S CARTOON ABOUT SHAPESHIFTING ROBOTS. This flick kicks all kinds of ass and I can't wait to see it again.

  • April 30, 2011, 11:47 p.m. CST

    braindead likes cocks!! It just that simple!

    by HollywoodHellraiser

    Look at his postings and see he want to fuck Tom Welling! Now I have no issue with gays and shit but brainless slobbers over TW cock everytime Smallville is mention. Hopefully Tom Welling got security with him 24/7.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:19 a.m. CST

    Headgeek posts in talkback, but still doesnt correct mistakes???

    by ShiftyEyedDog

    Ludacris was from the 2nd flick, not the first. He can't keep the chicks straight. ....seriously Harry, you make mistakes that's fine. But at least CORRECT THEM!

  • May 1, 2011, 12:20 a.m. CST

    I tend not to talk about this site taking studio payouts

    by Bass Ackwards

    But lines like "It's practically fucking MARVEL how this film came to be." make me wonder how far up your ass their arm actually is.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:24 a.m. CST

    This film will make a Brinks Truck worth of cash...

    by conspiracy

    in whichever theater is closest to where the city bus lines stop, or has an attached Payday Loans kiosk. In all in Central California...we have just the right amount of guys fresh out on parole and welfare moms to pack every seat...stroller parking, EBT cards accepted and 50% discount if you flash your Neck Tattoo. But..there IS a big market for this kind of film, not that I'd pay to watch it. I'll steal it off PB and watch it fucked up drunk to maximize the hilarity and haze over the parts that would otherwise make me turn it off if I were sober. I Predict $200-250M gross...easy.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:40 a.m. CST


    by doom master

    the chick from the Reanimator seires is the cop chick... i dont recall her name because 1 I already jerked off years ago to the last Reanimator flick and 2 because i dont even give a shit....

  • May 1, 2011, 12:53 a.m. CST


    by Meadowe

    SPOILERS in case you cared...The opening heist for the three cars was really well done. From the opening of the train car and re-introduction of Vin's character, to the way Paul Walker was hanging off the train, all the way to the car that vin and pw were in going off the cliff into the water...I was half expecting a helicopter to swoop by and for them to land perfectly inside of it. When they were captured by Reyes' (Joaquin de Almeida) men and chained up it kinda reminded me of xXX where vd was also similarly restrained. btw Joaquin is always great, even though you can tell he's aged a bit (I personally haven't seen him since Only You waaaay back in the early-mid 90s) he still has that great voice and presence so it doesn't really matter. Matt Schulze (spl?) as Vince was a welcome treat since he was part of the original "family", and I loved the way they reversed he and pw's roles from the first one...he was very suspicious that pw was a cop and was right, and in this one pw was suspicious that he was the one that snitched them out re: the opening heist. When he's caught trying to get the microchip with Reyes' info, he and Vin have a great scene where all their emotions come to a head...he brings up how Vin never trusted him about Paul being a cop and look at what has happened to their family...Letty is dead (Michelle Rodriguez, which of course is now thrown up in the air) and now Vin is turning his back on him...The Rock comes in and has a great intro scene, noticeably shinier then anybody else in his unit...tyrese had people in my theatre chuckling at his lines, i thought they were ok...when the girl who Rock recruits as a translator from the local police puts on Vin's necklace it looked a lot bigger on her despite her big rack hahah...when some cops are swarming in on Jordana and Matt Schulze saves her it immediately feels like it could be a ruse to have them trust him again, and I personally was hoping that it wasn't, and that he was really on the side of the family...When the Vin/Rock battle finally happens it was really great, had a little Van Damme esque moment imo when Rock has Vin by the throat, he sees his family being rounded up by Rock's crew and it drives him wild and starts beating Rock's ass. Vin has Rock on the ground and is pounding him and grabs a wrench, instantly bringing back memories of ff1 where you first heard that he went to Lompoc for beating a guy to retardation with a wrench. Jordana pleads with him to stop and if you were spoiler free (and had Doom on your mind when the Rock was "killed" )you may be inclined to think he just cracked Rock's head open, but of course the wrench has just been struck into the ground and not Rock's skull. when Vin, Paul, Jordana, and Matt get captured by Rock's unit they get ambushed by Reyes' crew...they're shooting at the convoy from above, yet a lot of their men are getting picked up by Rock's crew. It reminded me of these movies where I kept hearing that those who have the above ground have the advantage, i.e. Revenge of the Sith and the bay film The Rock, so I thought this was kind of a reversal of that rule, but then as the firefight continues the Rock's unit gets pretty much killed. I had an affinity for Alimi Ballard's character since I remember being 5 years old and loving Dark Angel and the Max character being my role model, and Ballard was on the show as Herbal, so I was a little disappointed to see him dead on the ground...The Rock is obviously upset that his team has just been slaughtered, and Vin offers him his hand and despite everything that's happened Rock takes it. In the truck, we discover that Matt has been hit, and he tells Vin that he should visit his son Nico, whom they have named after Vin's character Dominic. It's a nice little scene, where Vin promises to have "eyes on Nico", just like Matt had told Vin he would have eyes on Mia, Jordana's character earlier on. Matt passes away, which I kinda called earlier on as soon as he appeared on screen...I thought his death would add some much needed resonance to this series, and in the end it did. At this point the whole team is whipped, but they do that thing where they, despite being against all odds decide to still go along with Vin in their plan to get the $100 million. btw, I thought they should have upped that number because obviously when you split that up it's not that much all things considered. Anyway, surprisingly when everyone is saying they're in, Rock also reveals himself to the audience and announces that he's in with the family for as long as they kill Reyes; after that it's back to the hunt for him. The last act kicks in and man is it a doozy. The previous plan of being stealthy and trying to have "invisible" cars is thrown out and they just bust into the police station where Reyes has all the money consolidated and drag the vault out, leading to some really entertaining action. Vin and Paul are both driving what I believe are modern dodge chargers and keep whipping the vault into opposing cars, and I couldn't help but smile. idk how it ranks on the all time list, but I'm sure fast five should at least get honorable mention for all the cars they kept destroying. One of the things that was annoying was this one henchman who kept surviving...even at the end when Vin whipped the vault on top of Reyes and the henchman and the henchman got out of the car Vin and I had the same oh wtf how is this idiot still alive look on our faces. Paul though has mysteriously appeared and shoots the guy, finally killing him. Reyes comes out just as Rock comes by, and Rock just shoots the guy a couple of times. call me sadistic but I thought he would have had him suffer a little more considering his whole unit has been slaughtered, so a couple of quick shots wasn't too satisfying. Rock tells P and vd that he'll give them 24 hours to haull ass, but not with the $. I had been hearing about a F6 already in the planning stages, so I thought maybe that's when the real "last job and we disappear" scenario would take place. I was feeling a little let down, but then Rock does the whole hey I got a bad feeling look and slowly opens the vault door, I'm smiling cuz I know there's nothing inside. If the $ was there I would've thought this whole thing was for naught. Anyway everyone pretty much gets their happy ending, although I'm disappointed that we never get an unquestionable win of Paul over Vin re: the racing....even when the credits were rolling with the cgi renditions of their cars I was watching to see which car would win and just win they get to the finish line a flash of light appears so I was not digging that. Earlier in the movie the two raced with Han and Tyrese in cop cars, which of course was hard to follow since you couldn't distinguish who was who except for Tyrese who had his lights flashing. And speaking of which I thought that was one of the bigger bs moments is that they just hijacked the four cop cars and Tyrese gets on the pa system or whatever and is broadcasting his obnoxiousness even louder than usual...really? you steal some cop cars and want to get on the speaker system out on the street letting people know you're not 5-0? Anyway, like I stated in another post there's a post credits scene which hits immediately after the cgi car race ends, which I'm glad cuz I thought it would literally be after the entire credits like Eva Mendes comes out and reveals that Letty is still alive, and yeah they could go that route for the next one but personally I wouldn't mind if they leave it at this. It was really enjoyable as far as the action, emotion, even the plot. Vin gushing about his dad and how well he was with his sister, and Paul talking about how his dad was nonexistent and how scared he is that he'll be the same, but Vin assuring him that he isn't his dad and he will be awesome with Jordana. I've only seen a couple of movies this year so far, Adjustment Bureau, Rango, and now this and I would personally rank this above them. I liked Gal Gadot's character and I just found out she was in ff4, but I'm kind of hesitant to watch it because I liked this one so much that I think that if it wasn't as good than I'll really be disappointed. I liked how they addressed that Han is always eating the director commentary for tokyo drift Justin Lin said that Sung Kang was inspired by I think Brando or some greatly revered actor who always tried to have something in his hands or to have something to use while speaking their lines. I just wish Lucas Black and his crew from fftd were in this...they kept the franchise afloat while Vin was off trying to broaden his range with Find Me Guilty and PW was doing Running Scared, so I think they should give them a little bit of props for that. Before this tokyo drift was my fave. I thought Justin Lin had talent all the way back to Better Luck Tomorrow, and even though I think it's dead I enjoyed this movie so much that I kept thinking about the rumors he may do Terminator 5, which I think he *may* be able to breathe new life into. Anyway, it's rare for the 5th installment in any series to be so good, and Fast Five certainly set a benchmark in that respect.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:56 a.m. CST

    Big Block Of Text

    by NixEclips


  • May 1, 2011, 1:13 a.m. CST

    Well, there goes any shred of respect I had left for Harry

    by TheViper1979

    anyone who watches this shit is a moron

  • May 1, 2011, 1:13 a.m. CST

    Reading through this talkback...

    by Happyfat73

    ... Is like walking in on a roomful of angry pre-teens who only just learned swear words last week. Seriously, what an assemblage of angry, histrionic douchebags. </p> I feel sorry for Harry. I mean, his writing skills may be sub par, but at least he genuinely cares about and enjoys movies. Unfortunately he's saddled with an audience of talkbackers who seem to hate movies, and just come here because it gives them an anonymous forum to unleash the vitriol they're too gutless to share in real life. Wankers.

  • May 1, 2011, 1:31 a.m. CST

    Don't worry Harry, you're not alone, I enjoyed it too

    by The Founder

  • I would love to see Universal give the Rock a solo film for his character.

  • May 1, 2011, 5:15 a.m. CST

    I'm confused

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter

    Is liking this film gay or not? According to this TB it must be up there with Prescilla and Muriels Wedding.

  • May 1, 2011, 5:24 a.m. CST

    I'm confused x2

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter

    This movie is shit, right? Most people say so here. So why does it have 90% audience and 76% critics on Rotten Tomato? And everyone who has seen it says its great fun. I'm confused! Who is right? Is it people who've not seen the film and hate its existence, or those who have seen it? Personally, I think kudos that they might just have got it right after 5 films. Very few franchises can get to 5 films. And it looks like they could keep going after it. Clever girl!

  • May 1, 2011, 5:39 a.m. CST

    Jesus, God.

    by NixEclips

  • May 1, 2011, 6 a.m. CST

    Me and Chickenstu told you days ago.

    by KiwiMetal

    Being that we're both from Downunder, NZ & Aus respectively, we saw this over a week ago now. We fucking told you doubters that it was fucking good. That 'The Rock' was good, the action good etc etc etc. Since then AICN has had 4 good - excellent reviews of it including this one. And all you can fucking do is bitch. Yet, I bet you haven't seen it. Fucking losers.

  • May 1, 2011, 6:10 a.m. CST

    Oh yeah - Thor Opened last Thursday in NZ too

    by KiwiMetal

    And that fucking rocks. But I bet you fucking trolls will say it sucks balls....even though you haven't seen it. It sucks arse that Thor is probably going to kneecap F&F5's box office.

  • May 1, 2011, 10:55 a.m. CST

    Hannah and muscles

    by Hipshot

    Genetically designing someone for max strength does not necessarily increase the muscle size. Other ways 1) increase the % of muscle fibers capable of recruitment 2) Increase strength of tendons and ligaments 3) Increase pain threshold 4) Increase glandular output: adrenaline, etc. 5) Increase biomechanical efficiency: less wasted motion means more usable strength. This would be more a mental than physical ability, however. There are others. If the biggest muscles automatically equated to the strongest, bodybuilders would be stronger than powerlifters. Pound for pound, they're not even stronger than female gymnasts.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:10 p.m. CST

    FF5 > Thor

    by Lemure_v2

    FF5 did exactly what I expected it to. Hardly a masterpiece, but stupidly enjoyable. Thor was average and predictable. Will Thor learn what it means to be a "real hero" in time to beat the two final "bosses"? Can the Destroyer be killed by bashing it's head in but not a lance through it's head? Can Loki get in and out of Asgard via secret passages that not even Odin knows about? And will The Warriors Three serve any purpose whatsoever to plot or character?

  • May 1, 2011, 12:14 p.m. CST

    and Thor is flopping...

    by Lemure_v2

    40 million opening weekend? A budget of 150 million. Fast 5 doubled that. Marvel forgot about what sort of films Joe Public enjoy. Obscure superhero films don't go down well. If it ain't Supes, Spidey or Bats it better be fucking amazing.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:32 p.m. CST

    Well, I didn't expect that by a country mile!!

    by david starling

    Because of all the reviews on this site banging on about how good this is, I decided this afternoon to hare it down to my local Vue (I live about 10 minutes walk from it!!) and catch the 15:00pm showing. I loved the first one, enjoyed the second one a great deal, rolled my eyes at the third one (I preferred the Initial D movie, with Anthony Wong in it, a great deal more), end enjoyed the fourth one, but felt it missed something. So I went into this one, kind of expecting maybe to be disappointed again....... .......Only to have my expectations shot out of the auditorium and beyond!! Breathlessly exciting, with all characters given some substance, and the action piling it on thick and fast, I can only ask - WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM!! I really didn't expect it to be this good!! It is a little messy here and there, and the plot is a little humdrum maybe, but who cares?!! Seriously entertaining, with some jaw-dropping action!! My favourite of the whole series. Perhaps the perfect summer movie, it delivers in spades. It seems to me now, that the fourth one brought Brian and Dom back, and this one delivered the killer blow!! I'll be buying this when its out in shops for sure!! Only question now - what can they do with number 6? And yes, maybe I do believe in ghosts!!

  • May 1, 2011, 12:33 p.m. CST

    lemure_v2, flopping? Are you kidding?

    by kevred

    It's made over 1/4 of its budget back in its first week, and it *hasn't even opened in the U.S. yet*. You know not of what you speak.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Oh, and for those who watched and enjoyed it too.......

    by david starling

    ......Did you feel a twinge of poignancy when Han responded to travelling to Tokyo with "yeah, I'll get there eventually"? Maybe Tokyo Drift wasn't so bad after all.

  • May 1, 2011, 12:47 p.m. CST

    Fast Five was a heaping pile of junk

    by kevred

    I saw it with nothing but positive expectations, but it's junk through and through. The action is of two types - flat/cliched, and so preposterous as to not even be entertaining. There's a point at which the suspension of disbelief is broken, and the film turns into a stupid, vacuous video game. That point occurs in the first few minutes of the film, and it never recovers. (spoilers ahead) There are some charismatic actors here, especially Sung Kang, who really steals the show. Matt Schulze looks like he's trying. Everyone else pretty much phones it in, with poorly-written jokes that you don't so much laugh at as feel like 'this is where you're supposed to laugh'. Diesel looks weirdly swollen, Walker looks dopey and clueless, Johnson looks like a superhero (an effect blunted by how easily he's handled by our protagonists), and the rest just lazily mope through terrible dialogue. The individual fights were a snooze. The car action was, if you really step back and look at it, negligible and uncreative. Really, what was there to it? Unloading cars from a train? A straight-line race in the police cars? Testing cars by driving them in circles fast? The unbelievably stupid chase with the safe? A many-ton safe being pulled around hairpin turns by two sports cars? How many more times can we see the 'oh, all I have to do to pull ahead is shift' moment before we can say "enough"? Because it's used dozens of times in this flick. It was just rubbish, all of it. Every single moment of the film is a cliche, and a cliche that's been done better in at least 10 other films. This movie is made for extremely dumb people, or people who can become dumb for two hours. I couldn't do it for five minutes with this film. Characterizing it as "porn" is probably smart - it's the only way to rationalize this nonsense.

  • May 1, 2011, 1:04 p.m. CST

    @tallboy 6t6

    by Lemure_v2

    Han was introduced as "the chameleon". Tyrese was the "talker". Though Han still do barely anything throughout the entire film.

  • May 1, 2011, 1:31 p.m. CST

    $83.6 million this weekend.

    by iceman199

    Holy shit! That's a huge opening.

  • May 1, 2011, 1:32 p.m. CST

    Thor flopped?

    by iceman199

    It hasn't even opened in the U.S. yet. You know, the biggest market in the world???

  • Most of those places have only had it 2 days and thats not including the US where it doesnt open for another week. It is FAR from a flop.

  • May 1, 2011, 2:41 p.m. CST

    Max Cherry is correcting someone on Fast and Furious facts

    by SierraTangoFoxtrotUniform

    I believe that's all that needs to be said. It's bad enough he assumes if you're not a lib you're a republican.

  • May 1, 2011, 2:55 p.m. CST

    What else is new

    by lock67ca

    Another piece of shit film that gets glowing reviews from almost everyone here. What's worse? Knowing this site is on the take, or trying to read Harry's incomprehensible reviews?

  • May 1, 2011, 6 p.m. CST

    Dumb movie.

    by Jeff England

    Seems like they could have at least attempted to make the action remotely plausible. The women are hot though, there is that at least.

  • May 1, 2011, 6:25 p.m. CST

    That review takes the cake.

    by TommyGavinsEgo

    Fuck me Harry. I rarely chime in on talkbacks at all, let alone to jump aboard the Harry-hate bandwagon, but Jesus. It makes BARELY any sense throughout ENTIRE paragraphs. The salivating / masturbating over sweaty male bodies AND the lithe female ones just comes over as pervy and creepy. And you're having a jizz-fit over a movie which - by all accounts - is a surprisingly solid and well-executed lobotomised blow-stuff-up/drive-stuff-fast sequel to a shitty franchise. No shame in those kind of well-done, dumb action movies, I hope it IS good. But Jesus. You MUST know that your "enthusiasm" for almost EVERY film just comes across as you having absolutely NO critical faculties whatsoever. You'll never live down the Inception fiasco. I mean, even *I* didn't think Inception was the absolute be-all-and-end-all as many hear protest, but your half-arsed treatment of that film compared to your slobbering all over THIS one just smacks of you being (a) lazy, and (b) a little bit of a 'tard.

  • May 1, 2011, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Bitch you haven't even seen it yet


    Harry's not the only reviewer giving this flick high accolades as one of the better action movies of the past few years. Know when to chose your battles. Fuck all you nerds do is come here and bitch and complain and talk shit about Quentin Tarantino and Harry and Transformers(lol) it NEVER FUCKING ENDS !

  • May 1, 2011, 6:52 p.m. CST

    "And I love that Natasha and Han Solo are fucking!"


    Its lines like this that make taking Harry seriously fucking impossible .... That review was beyond horrific.

  • May 1, 2011, 9:11 p.m. CST


    by The Krypton Kid

    Thank you for reminding me that vile, despicable trash does indeed exist in this world. It must be a hard life for you, scumbag, seeing as how law enforcement prohibits you from living within a 100 foot radius of a school, park, or any other place frequented by innocent children. Scum like you almost sway me into favoring state-enforced castration.

  • May 1, 2011, 9:13 p.m. CST

    so, Harold... by "Man Porn" you mean gay porn--right?


    That's cool. Everyone has their little faults. Mine's in California.

  • May 1, 2011, 9:13 p.m. CST

    Hiya, Corpse


    How's tricks?

  • May 1, 2011, 9:30 p.m. CST

    Did Harry even see the Fast adn Furious movies

    by plissken77

    Cause you made a few mistakes in your FF history ther chief

  • May 1, 2011, 9:39 p.m. CST

    "Did Harry even see the Fast adn Furious movies"


    I don't think that matters .... Harry doesn't actually 'see' movies he seems to go into some fucked up hyperactive trance when the lights go down and he either gets "giddy" or he doesn't. The only real reason to read a Harry review is either if you A. really like the guy or B. need a fucking good laugh.


  • my longest post before this was new moon, and I was not going to let that stand, but not going to do a long post on just anything that I happened to like. Also, I don't even know how to make paragraphs despite being here since like mid 09 or something.

  • What the fuck is that suppose to mean???? Shit man proof read your reviews at least once before you put them out there.

  • May 1, 2011, 10:30 p.m. CST

    Crips-ton Kid has pedophilia on the mind. Cuz he gangsta!

    by SierraTangoFoxtrotUniform

    When he isn't holding up liquor stores with PS3 controllers or stealing McDonald's food, he likes to think about pedophilia.

  • Yeah, what gives big guy? I'm not one to normally nitpick, but this is a pretty roughly written review, like I'll eat your horseshit about iPads and typing shit into your diabetes tester, but this reeks almost of some form of intoxication, you know maybe medication due to your health "crisis". I mean that's fine, great I hope you continue getting better, but hey you know maybe you could have "Yoko" there give it a quick read-through next time, you know, check for little things maybe you "missed" on your own "proof-read" there. I know, I know, who am I to judge when I'm not innocent of the crime I accuse you of, but then again I don't exactly have "millions" of people that look up to me, have devoted fans and people that love me.. I'm just a man, flesh and blood.. I can be ignored, destroyed. But you, on the other hand, represent MUCH more, and you really do have an image and name to maintain. I also agree with tommygavinsego's assessment, and agree nobody will ever forget the Inception debacle.. if you want something fun to do on a boring Sunday afternoon, go take a stroll through the talkbacks from around that period of time, rofl from the banning of d. vader to Scott Pilgrim, it really was a low point, and the entire time spent from there to here has been you slowly crawling back uphill from that giant fucking mess.. people haven't forgotten, and sure, eventually the current generation of talkbackers will phase out over the years, and new ones will be acquired to replace them, but for the current generation and the oldtimer's that only come by for the show, you blew it, and you still got a long way to go. "What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm?" "Uh, what Mr. Cobb is trying to say-" "An idea.. resilient, highly contagious.. once an idea has taken hold in the brain, it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed, fully understood... that sticks. Right in there somewhere."

  • May 2, 2011, 6:33 a.m. CST


    by CuntBubble

    Dear Moderator (i.e. Harry Knowles), Would you please do something about michael_jacksons_cold_dead_pale_corpse. He/She/It is a racist piece of garbage and lowering the tone somewhat.

  • May 2, 2011, 8:17 a.m. CST

    No Harry, Man-Porn involves Fucking.

    by cookylamoo

    You remember fucking, right?

  • May 2, 2011, 10:41 a.m. CST


    by BSB

    It was a damned good weekend.

  • I don't remember people bitching about product placement when I was a kid and ET came out. Or the cans of Campbells soup over Quints stove in Jaws. Who gives a shit? If it's entertaining, that is more than enough. I'm not a huge Fast and Furious fan, but I'll rent this when it comes out and I'll enjoy it for what it is. Just a plain, run of the mill action movie. Of course the stuff they do is impossible? If it wasn't we would be doing it in front of our own houses and it wouldn't be worth filming! I just find it hard to believe that the people who trash everything that is ever written on this site didn't just enjoy movies when they were kids. That's the best thing about films like this, you get to remember what it was like. Just to sit down, relax and let the ride take you wherever it wants to. I'm grateful that I can still do it. It's a shame that so many people can't.

  • May 2, 2011, 1:30 p.m. CST

    No, thanks! Not even a rental for the Choppah.


    Life's too short to waste on cliche-ridden unoriginal garbage like this.

  • May 2, 2011, 1:40 p.m. CST


    by JediWuddayaknow

    Only french art films about brothers fucking their sisters and becoming butterflies for the Choppah! He's SO above an action movie!

  • May 2, 2011, 3:34 p.m. CST

    Prob the best F&F

    by hitchcockintheziplock

    This was a great action film. Great interaction between character. Just a good film to see in theaters with a bunch of people there. I live in a high populated military area, and so there was a lot of that crowd, and ethnicity, who really seemed to enjoy it. The setting, and characters really played to that audience. Very thin plot that was executed well. The action scenes were well above average, and the fight between the Rock, and Diesel was on point. Speaking of the Rock, this was role of his career, playing that ruthless Agent (was really more like a mercenary), and actually outshines Vin in a few of there scenes together. Vin basically plays the badass with like %5 sensitivity, in all his movies, and he does it again, and very well I might add, here. Ludacris, and Tyrese, however, had the best character interaction. Both had dialogue that it seems was made exactly for them, and their timing with their lines, had the audience (including me) laughing the entire time. The women are hot (even the hardened brazilian cop), and the cars are fast, and in variety. For my money, Tokyo Drift is still my favorite, because, just like you Harry, I love that whole highschool setting, and the fact that it was asian influenced. I just loved that whole backdrop Also, Han was introduced here, and he's the most intriguing, mysterious character in the series, because he is the only connecting factor that links TD to the rest of the series. Technically, Fast Five is the superior film. Guess I'll have to go see it again, as I missed the end credit part.

  • May 2, 2011, 5:01 p.m. CST

    jediwuddayaknow, is that an actual movie you're referencing?


    Because that sounds pretty good to me. Actually, I love good original action movies. If you want to see what Choppah thinks was a great recent action movie go check out Mesrine: Born to Kill on Netflix streaming. Yeah, it's French, but it's badass! You can thank me later.

  • May 2, 2011, 5:35 p.m. CST


    by DustinBones

    Watched part 1 (Killer Instinct) and part 2 (Public Enemy No. 1) this weekend. Highly recommend them both. Other Vincent Cassel movie recommendations are: - La Haine - Read my Lips Other movies I've seen recently that were very damn good include: - A Prophet - The Secret in Their Eyes

  • May 3, 2011, 7:40 a.m. CST

    TOP GUN is breathlessly entertaining man porn

    by quintana007


  • May 3, 2011, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Wow, people are really mean on this site.

    by StoryFirst

    And this site is only about tv and movies... Wow...mankind really is doomed.

  • May 3, 2011, 12:29 p.m. CST


    by AsimovLives

    I have wanted to watch Mesrine for a while, but thanks to your rrecomentdation, i'm making it a priority. I watched FASTER. I liked it.

  • May 3, 2011, 11:01 p.m. CST

    His name is Han Seoul-Oh.

    by TheMark

    This was the most awesome thing ever.

  • May 4, 2011, 12:40 p.m. CST

    What is it that people want?

    by Detective_Fingerling

    If you don't like mindless action movies, I get the hate. I just don't understand why people chose to shit all over this movie because of it's ability to entertain its target audience. I saw it and thought it was great. Other than a few shitty dialogue moments, I thought the only thing they really could have improved was omitting the blue Porsche race.

  • May 11, 2011, 9:09 a.m. CST

    by Marlboroliteman

    What's with the "man porn" references? Are you trying to come up with a new catch phrase or saying? I'm pretty sure "man porn" is another term for guy on guy gay porn. Now that I think about it there was a lot of gay undertones in that review...more gay undertones than Top Gun, Independence Day, and Brokeback Mountain put together.