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Capone found FAST FIVE wildly fun…as long as the cars were going fast!!!

Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

The franchise that was born with THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS was never one that I've waited with baited breath for new installments of since it began 10 years ago. But I will admit that, although I know nothing about cars, this variety of car porn has always made my heart race, especially when those muscle cars are standing still and feature sexy ladies draped over them (and all five of the films in this series have managed to include such scenes as reliably as they have included car chases/races). These movies were never about character, story, strong performances, or even humor (yes, even the dumb jokes are underwritten). All of that being said, there is something about these big, dopey, clunky, loud films that is seriously appealing, and FAST FIVE, a film that finally gets the formula more or less down, is the best of the bunch.

The way you break down this or any of the FFF (FAST/FURIOUS Films) is simple: there's either something going on or there is not. And usually when there is not, the movie slams on the brakes. Banter is attempted and almost always fails to be witty. So, really all there is for us to do is listen to the exposition and/or stare at either biceps or boobs, both struggling to break free of their unnaturally tight clothes. With FAST FIVE, there's one more thing to do: enjoy the parade of characters returning from one or more of the previous four films. The core characters--Vin Diesel as master thief and driver Dominic Toretto, his sister Mia (Jordana Brewster), and the former police officer Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker)--are all back again. The film opens with O'Conner and Mia leading a small team to help Dominic escape from a prison transport vehicle. It's a pretty splashy action sequence, and director Justin Lin (who has helmed this series since the third installment, TOKYO DRIFT) wisely ramps up each new chase with just a little more speed, destruction, noise, and general excitement.

The other smart thing that Lin and his team have done is begin a transition away from this franchise being strictly about fast cars. A great deal of time (too much, in my estimation, as the film hits the 130-minute mark by the time the credits are done) is spent on a big vault heist. I can only imagine that, with this enormous crew and a seemingly impossible heist involves trickery as well as brute force, the inspiration for the this film were the OCEAN'S 11 films. On hand to round out the team are former franchise all stars Tyrese Gibson, Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, Gal Gadot, and Tego Calderon. Added to the list of thieves is Puerto Rican rapper Don Omar.

Pursuing Dom & Co. this time around is none other than Dwayne Johnson (don't call him The Rock) as federal agent Luke Hobbs, who can apparently walk into a foreign country (in this case Rio De Janeiro, where most of the film is set) and snatch up whoever he wants in broad daylight. Hobbs enlists the help of a translator named Elena (Elsa Pataky), who is the only local police officer he can trust. Why does he think the local cops are corrupt? Because a major drug dealer (Joaquim de Almeida as Reyes) is hiding more than $100 million dollars of his money in a vault housed in a police station evidence locker, that's why.

But why am I spending so much time talking about story? This movie would be almost as good if all of the actors were wearing ski masks and everyone was gagged. You don't go to a FFF for the dialogue or plot; you go for the fast cars, and this movie has them in abundance. From an early sequence where the team steals two cars off a moving train to the 30 or so minutes of two cars dragging a massive vault at high speed down Rio's downtown, demolishing everything in its path, FAST FIVE is at its finest when the speedometer is well above 80 mph. I have no idea how much of what we're seeing in this movie is special effects, but it looks and feels real this time out (in previous films, the CGI seemed very obvious), and that's a vast improvement.

All of the performances are equally bad/good/appropriate for the material, but I did want to give special notice to Dwayne Johnson (fresh off last year's unofficial FFF entry FASTER), who might be the only actor in the film who is aware of just how silly everything that's going on around him truly is. He's not playing his role for camp, but it's very clear (and the results are quite funny) that he's adding the only sense of irony this franchise has ever experienced. He's great, don't get me wrong. He just sticks out, even without the heaving muscles. FAST FIVE is as outrageous, catastrophic, and massively entertaining as Vin Diesel's upper torso. This isn't about sitting back and removing your brain for more than two hours in order to enjoy it. Even the most intellectual among us will find things to enjoy here. You probably won't remember many of the details of the movie by the time you make it to your car, but so what? This is most definitely an in-the-moment kind of experience. Welcome to the summer movie season, folks. It gets earlier every year.

-- Capone
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Readers Talkback
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  • April 29, 2011, 11:51 a.m. CST

    The First and the Furious?

    by firewhale

    Cue industrykiller's retarded outrage...

  • April 29, 2011, 11:51 a.m. CST

    It's Capone, ladies and gentlemen!



  • April 29, 2011, 11:55 a.m. CST

    I have two questions, Capone


    1. Will you be reviewing THOR? 2. Did you watch the Royal Wedding?

  • April 29, 2011, 11:58 a.m. CST

    The Staff of AICN Have Been Paid Off

    by ThisBethesdaSea

    This long of a review is necessary for Fast Five? Are you people on crack? Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away?

  • instead I read all these comments praising it...even though I liked the first 3 (still haven't seen 4) I am a bit suspicious that Jordana flashed her Brewsters to get these reviews.

  • April 29, 2011, 12:08 p.m. CST


    by Meadowe

    He has a daughter named Meadow...and all the movies we have with him in it, She's All That, Joyride, Running Scared, Fast1 and 2fast, are all enjoyable. And he seems to have an affinity for the color blue as referenced by the Nissan Skyline he owns in his personal life, and that's my fave color too. But maybe I shouldn't call it lifetime cuz I still wouldn't watch Into the Blue if given a choice.

  • April 29, 2011, 12:11 p.m. CST

    Well, damn.

    by Epsilon

    I was all set to go see Fast Five despite the fact that I've never watch an entire F&F movie. (On account of them being garbage and all). The thing is, the trailers for this one actually looked kinda cool. Now I'm torn. Since AICN has obviously whored itself out to promote this movie in exchange for cash (or possibly in some cross-promotional deal that allows Harry to suck Chris Hemsworth's cock for 5 minutes) should I NOT see Fast Five in protest? This is a tough call.

  • April 29, 2011, 12:17 p.m. CST


    by Meadowe

    I haven't seen this as of yet, but SPOILER after the credits Rock meets up with Eva Mendes from 2f2f who tells her about another case. He doesn't really care until he finds out it's Letty, a.k.a. Michelle Rodriguez's character, who supposedly died in f4. Could she be the big bad in fast 6? Maybe instead of going from cars to heist genre like previously rumored, she's come back via supernatural methods and the next one is called fast triple 6!? hmmmm, the thin plot thickens.

  • April 29, 2011, 12:22 p.m. CST

    When you say So by "It gets earlier every year." you mean that...

    by Series7

    Its the same as its always been? Seeing that both Fast and Furious and Clash of the Titans opened the first weekend of April and nothing big opened that weekend this year? So people fearing that the summer movie season would spill into all of April didn't come ture this year.

  • April 29, 2011, 12:24 p.m. CST

    It's alright to have fun...

    by Fred

    So what if this franchise isn't award-worthy? It's a hell of alot of fun.

  • April 29, 2011, 12:25 p.m. CST

    Alright industrykiller lets see your hate here.

    by claxdog

  • April 29, 2011, 12:29 p.m. CST


    by Nick

    Did Weyland Yutani make Fast Five and are threatning you guys with face rape, unless you give it "good reviews". I mean, seriously?

  • April 29, 2011, 12:46 p.m. CST

    Dwayne Johnsons character

    by plasauce

    is part of the DSS(diplomatic security service) which does fugitive capture in foreign countries. Basically the state department calls up the country said fugitive is located. Once permission is granted, DSS sends an agent or team to work with local law enforcement to capture and extradite the fugitive. Hence the one cop Dwayne Johnson trusts part. Sure its changed up for the sake of the film, but they have the basics down.

  • April 29, 2011, 12:54 p.m. CST


    by golden tribw

  • April 29, 2011, 12:54 p.m. CST

    Capone fucks up simple English every single time.

    by golden tribw

  • "I can only imagine that, with this enormous crew and a seemingly impossible heist involves trickery as well as brute force, the inspiration for the this film were the OCEAN'S 11 films."

  • April 29, 2011, 12:55 p.m. CST

    .... HARRY, IS THAT YOU????????

    by golden tribw

  • April 29, 2011, 12:55 p.m. CST

    I'd do Michelle Rodriguez in the dirt like Sawyer


    You dirty, DIRTY little girl!

  • April 29, 2011, 1:03 p.m. CST



    Someone fix that shit, pronto!

  • April 29, 2011, 1:05 p.m. CST

    great fun this flick

    by Candy ass monkey suit

    I never cared for FF1, i thought it was pure shit but as this series has gone on the instalments have been better. i read the producers decided to move away from the car racing scenario as it was played out and you couldn't take the story anywhere it hadn't already been. I think this was wise as the movie was wildly entertaining with them planning the heist against a brazillian drug lord. Some said the movie dragged in the middle, personally didnt think so. The summer has got off to a good start what with this and Thor.

  • April 29, 2011, 1:13 p.m. CST

    Seriously guys

    by Nick

    Do we need 7 reviews of Fast Five? you guys do NO news anymore, not unless it's been reported for atleast a week on other sites.... I remember AICN was the top website years ago, for breaking news and rumors... now it's just pathetic. Countless, pandering reviews... and non-news...

  • April 29, 2011, 1:14 p.m. CST

    by mags

    his double chin is quite entertaining too

  • April 29, 2011, 1:30 p.m. CST



    What's going on here? I really doubt every single writer would recommend us to watch this movie. If this is the result of a bribe, it's a disgrace.

  • April 29, 2011, 1:45 p.m. CST

    Capone! I think this looks great!

    by Eternal Optimist

    I can't wait to see... The Rock VS Vin Diesel!!! I'm very much looking forward to a... Fast and Furious time at the cinema!

  • April 29, 2011, 1:47 p.m. CST

    Why is Capone trying so hard to upstage Nordling?


    Nordling had a perfectly fine review of this, and you guys go and shit all over the poor little fella. Why can't you let Nordling be Nordling? LEAVE NORDLING ALONE!!!!!!

  • April 29, 2011, 1:48 p.m. CST

    A Fast/Furious film is getting 8 of 10 average reviews on RT??

    by Gabba-UK

    Is this not a sign of a coming apocalypse or something. I should hate these films because their so dumb but I'm gonna see this.

  • April 29, 2011, 1:52 p.m. CST

    lol at the talkbackers thinking these reviews are plants.

    by William

    Critics everywhere are giving this beast positive reviews. It's an awesome movie. Get over it.

  • April 29, 2011, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Speaking of reviewers, whatever happened to Vern?

    by tonagan

    Did he die?

  • April 29, 2011, 1:54 p.m. CST

    I'm sure all you fuckers were talking shit about SPEED


    And then promptly got their asses handed to them when they watched it. Summer is here. Have a mike's hard lemonade and a shot of Vodak and enjoy!

  • April 29, 2011, 1:54 p.m. CST

    Michelle Rodriguez was DAMN HOT in Machete!

    by Ryan

    ...Also, why is some people claiming that AICN was bought out for giving this movie positive reviews? It has been getting good reviews across the board.

  • April 29, 2011, 1:55 p.m. CST

    Didn't know Joaquim de Almeida was in this one

    by darthderp

    Thought he was decent in Clear and Present Danger, and he was great in Desperado..."Can't you see that we are FUCKING CLOSED?!?!?" Not that it makes me want to see this one, but he's generally good.

  • April 29, 2011, 2:02 p.m. CST



    He has also been on Parenthood recently as an art teacher. The man has range

  • April 29, 2011, 2:02 p.m. CST

    Was Capone upset that the cars weren't made of churches?

    by AsimovLives

  • April 29, 2011, 2:02 p.m. CST

    Do you smell what Capone is cooking......

    by Nick

  • April 29, 2011, 2:04 p.m. CST


    by AsimovLives

    Michelle Rodriguez is a hot girl. but for some reason, directors love to portait her dirty and uglified. Weird!

  • April 29, 2011, 2:05 p.m. CST


    by AsimovLives

    Since what happened two years ago, it's my natural though that AICN is filled with plants, specially among the crew.

  • April 30, 2011, 7:21 a.m. CST


    by BSB

    Taye Diggs and Ludacris were funny as hell. I wouldn't mind if they got their own comedy spinoff.

  • April 30, 2011, 8 a.m. CST

    goddamnit, feignbrain


    You broke it.

  • April 30, 2011, 10:49 a.m. CST

    It's a great time... Stupid but a great time

    by Andrew Coleman

    I saw this movie yesterday, though I saw it with friends which I know at least 70% of you don't have. We had a great time with this movie. The action is insane, doesn't make sense, but it's great. I get you guys are loaners and have to see flicks by yourselves, but for the one's who have friends and like to enjoy themselves, check it out it's hilarious. Stop with the "plant" bull shit. You look stupid. See the movie and you'll see why the reviews are going the way they are. You can't help but enjoy yourself watching this, get the stick out of your ass and have a little fun in your life.

  • April 30, 2011, 3:20 p.m. CST

    Its good

    by Mr.Vengeance

    Said it once will say it again this film is good sit down and tune out and enjoy, plenty of action and the Rock and Vin having a throw down is worth the ticket alone. Hoping the Rock does more action films its where he belongs.

  • April 30, 2011, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Attempted to watch this Movie....but AMC...

    by Arcangel2020

    I attempted to catch "Fast Five" this weekend at one of the local AMC Theaters here in Minneapolis...the AMC 5 on Hennepin Ave...and once again, thanks to a few "individuals" (I will keep it clean and pc here in my rant) with their "cute little comments"...totally ruined the movie going experience for me to the point where I had to leave the theater lest I say something completely non-pc to these people! This is not the first time this has happened...on a number of occasions in South Florida while attempting to see such films like Batman, Spiderman and Pirates people would shut their mouths, get off their cell phones/stop texting or parents would bring thier children to R rated films and let them blather on and on and on during key points of the film. Management at these theaters is partially to blame for this as well. Thanks to the numerous bad experiences I have now had at these locations? I can see why the Pirating and Bootlegging of newly released films like "Fast Five" is thriving and Hollywood is crying like a little Bitch about lost revenue

  • April 30, 2011, 6:47 p.m. CST

    This movies so ridiculous I don't know where to start!

    by Orionsangels

    (SPOILERS) At one point they steal 4 police cars. Now keep in mind the entire country of Brazil is looking for them. The FBI is after them. Heck there's a world wide manhunt for them. So what do they do? They all stop at a red light and decide they wanna race. Hey why not? It's not like we want to attract attention or anything. Hey maybe will accidentally run over a pedestrian. We don't know. Who cares! Let's race! Weee!!! Maybe the Rock will join forces with us too. Say whaaa? The ending was like the ending of the Blues Brother minus the sunglasses. Okay listen to this, during a car chase they take out the entire Police force of Brazil. The body count is pretty high, but get this, they do it with a giant Safe! Yes a Vault. That holds Gold or Money. Yeah that's the weapon. Hey don't laugh. It could happen. RiffTrax is gonna have a field day with this movie. At one point Dom tells Paul Walker to take a walk! Yeah lol!

  • April 30, 2011, 8:51 p.m. CST

    @braindrain He does and he doesn't.

    by Orionsangels

  • May 1, 2011, 1:03 a.m. CST

    Parts I COULDN'T "turn my brain off" for....[SPOILERS]

    by GibsonUSA Returns

    First of all, IMO this is by far the best FF movie. Enjoyed it overall. <BR> But...though I am perfectly fine with a fun summer popcorn movie, I couldn't help but feel throughout that this movie was made for 8th graders. It felt like even college kids would be too old for the sappy, cheesy, and unbelievable stuff I just couldn't "turn my brain off" for. [SPOILERS!!] <BR><BR> The most blatant one is where they steal 4 POLICE CARS like it's nothing, then decide casually to RACE down the empty streets of Rio! wtf. They do it like its its a walk in the park. How do you turn your brain off for this? <BR><BR> Second is the relationship between the girl translator cop and Vin Diesel. So sappy and "oh geeez whatever". This officer's husband is killed in the line of duty, Vin Diesel saves her then invades her apartment...and this female cop starts "feeling" for him and runs away with him at the end. You gotta be kidding me. <BR><BR> Third, the Rock....a law enforcement officer linked to the FBI...actually HELPS the criminals rob the gotta be kidding me! No, his officers being shot is not enough to make that believable. Am I being overly picky for a popcorn movie here? <BR><BR> And as a final comment...I dislike the fact that the "good guys" (Diesel/Walker/Brewster) are ALWAYS a step ahead. They are virtually never in peril and always conquer while looking cool doing it. Like when the Rock confronted Diesel/Walker at the street racing scene...Walker was acting all snooty and cocky, not a care in the world. I found myself cheering against Walker/Diesel and in favor of the Rock because Walker/Diesel are NEVER the underdogs. They are always posing and looking cool at all times.<BR><BR> Okay, thats all I got I got no ending paragraph. It was a fun movie - the best of the bunch - but so many parts just stuck out like a sore thumb...if I was in 8th grade watching this I would have prob had a blast.

  • May 1, 2011, 7:52 a.m. CST

    Joaquim de Almeida Is Terrific.

    by BigTuna

    Even though he's typecast as a drug lord or crime lord all the time. The guy was fantastic in season 3 of 24.