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Capone hated every second of BEASTLY and dares you to do the same!!!

Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

Oh, Christ on a cracker with Cheez Whiz, is this movie dreadful. Seemingly created by people who have never written a movie, and perhaps never actually seen a movie, the teen romantic-drama BEASTLY is a barely recognizable telling of the Beauty and the Beast story, filtered through the shallow Alex Flinn novel and adapted by director Daniel Barnz (PHOEBE IN WONDERLAND). Accepting that the filmmakers think this movie qualifies as fantasy on some level, there still isn't a spark of genuine human emotion or depth to BEASTLY at all.

It's a weightless story of the conceited asshole known as Kyle (Alex Pettyfer, who can also be seen stinking up I AM NUMBER FOUR), who is apparently running for president of his school's "Green Party" because it will look good on his transcripts for college. He's a classically good-looking guy, who openly acknowledges that good things happen to pretty people, therefore, he should win the election. He openly mocks those less fortunate than him (ugly people), and even gets bold enough to pretend to hit on the school witch--what, your school didn't have one?--Kendra, played by Mary-Kate Olsen, trying very hard to look wiccan chic. (A colleague called her "runway Goth"; I like that too.) When Kendra gets her heart broken, she puts a curse on Kyle that makes his face appear that it had an accident at a combination auto plant/glass-blowing factory/tattoo parlor. Scars, slivers of metal, and face painting litter his pretty self, and he goes into hiding with the help of his equally beauty-obsessed news anchor father (Peter Krause). The only way to break the curse is if someone says they love Kyle in a year's time.

For reasons I was never quite clear on, Kyle falls for "plain" classmate Lindy (Vanessa Hudgens). He stalks her from underneath his hooded sweatshirt for a while, finds out her dad is a junkie, and somehow convinces himself it's OK to keep her locked away in his hideaway condo to protect her from her dad's dangerous, drug-dealer friends. Lindy doesn't like feeling like a prisoner, but eventually she gets used to it so the plot can move forward. What follows is the most awkward, unconvincing courtship you will ever see. First off, we're supposed to believe Lindy doesn't recognize Kyle, who she also had a crush on in school. Apparently, a few cosmetic scars completely obscure his face in her eyes. Second, Kyle discovers poetry, thus making him deep and able to really get the love juices flowing. Third, I hate this fucking movie.

Instead of candlestick and clock sidekicks, like in the Disney version of BEAUTY AND THE BEAST, Kyle gets a Jamaican maid with a terrible fake accent (LisaGay Hamilton) and a blind tutor (Neil Patrick Harris), who never seems to teach. But even the occasional zinger from NPH can't breath any life into the stale, flaccid BEASTLY, and he spends most of the movie looking out of place and slightly constipated. I'd love to tell you that the problems with this film are limited to its terrible acting, miserable writing, and gaping plot holes. But the truth is, the entire film is a gaping hole that needs to be surgically sewn shut for good.

BEASTLY doesn't even elevate itself to "so bad, it's good" status (a category I don't really subscribe to) because it doesn't even work as camp or satire or entertainment or anything. I found myself craving BURLESQUE. Each new scene brings a new set of lows, each performer is worse than the one who appeared on screen immediately before, each plot development is dumber than...anything, ever. Did somebody lose a bet to get this movie released? To hell with this movie; I'm done talking about it. Now go see it, and tell me I'm wrong. well.

-- Capone
capone@aintitcool.com
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Readers Talkback
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  • We need a full on Capone explosion.

  • March 4, 2011, 1:49 a.m. CST

    post 0

    by darth_hideous

    How is BEASTLY? Capone says it's crap! Wow!

  • March 4, 2011, 2:02 a.m. CST

    You guys are wasting your time

    by Dr. Egon Spengler

    Really, you are. The trailer for this thing pretty much spells out everything you just wrote for us. Spend more time writing about things that are, you know, actually cool. Please.

  • March 4, 2011, 2:20 a.m. CST

    Capone's reviews usually have him 'taking one for the team'

    by Kamaji

    I've seen some previous reviews where none of the other contributors touched on a certain film but him. I did wonder if this did have any redemptive qualities to it, but it sounds as hollow as Step Up 3-D (one review said that the kids in that film were hard-up for cash..yet could easily have pawned most of the stuff in their enormous apartment/loft to payoff whatever they needed to!). And I will say that in regards to some reviews, the lead guy in this didn't really appear very repellent in his 'transformed' state. He almost looks like he could have hung out with this one kid who had a green mohawk with 8-inch spikes who used to frequent the movie theater I worked at. I'll give it until early fall, and figure this will be quickly available on Netflix streaming, just out of curiosity.

  • March 4, 2011, 3:45 a.m. CST

    hey, Burlesque had boobies

    by antonphd

    don't knock Burlesque without at least giving a shout out to the spectacular boobies on display yeah, i felt like my nuts were kicked up into my scull after watching it with my wife, but there were a lot of very nice boobs to help keep me from total enuch-ification.

  • March 4, 2011, 4:33 a.m. CST

    The 13 year old girl in me wants to see BEASTLY

    by buffywrestling

    Good thing I ate the bitch.

  • March 4, 2011, 5:07 a.m. CST

    Nice!

    by Shubniggorath

    I haven't read this negative of a review here since that Pattinson-9/11 lump of mung. Spit that venemous hyperbole!

  • March 4, 2011, 5:43 a.m. CST

    I gotta see this with the GF tonight

    by RedBull_Werewolf

    I was really hoping it would at least be entertaining, fuck, she etter give me a blow job afterwards

  • March 4, 2011, 6:02 a.m. CST

    someone ate a 13yr old girl? oh my!

    by Bouncy X

  • March 4, 2011, 6:17 a.m. CST

    Even Penny-Arcade felt they had to throw in on this one.

    by Schadenfreude

    http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2011/2/28/

  • March 4, 2011, 6:46 a.m. CST

    Why would 13 year old girls want to see an ugly dude?

    by jimbojones123

    The reason for the flocking to Twilight is shirtless and sparkling pretty boys. Not the opposite.

  • March 4, 2011, 6:59 a.m. CST

    Well I was on the fence about this movie...but not anymore.

    by moorE12

  • March 4, 2011, 7:34 a.m. CST

    a stupid movie made for stupid kids...

    by alienindisguise

    this is why hollywood sucks balls

  • But still very obviously still good looking. Total fail there.

  • March 4, 2011, 8:42 a.m. CST

    d.vader...

    by slappy magoo

    As a totally hetero man's man (I'm skinning an elk and laying my lovely ladywife and 3 of her random friends as I write this), I thought the same thing. The more shallow Goth chicks will think Pettyfer is even better looking post-spell than pre-spell. Though the hard-core Goth chicks will probably think he looks to poseur-y Hot Topic Goth for their liking.

  • March 4, 2011, 9:03 a.m. CST

    Here's my problem with it...

    by Anna Valerious

    Whoever at CBS Films thought it was a good idea to put Vanessa Anne Hudgens as Lindy to draw in viewers is a moron. In the book, Lindy is painfully shy. She's just some girl who wants to blend into the background, reading Jane Austen novels and wanting to make the most of her scholarship. Yes, she still has the drug-addicted father, but she had a lot of pain and was unsure of herself from the get-go. That way, she and Kyle BOTH change at the end of the story. Now, if they intentionally held back the release (As it was supposed to be out last summer), wouldn't it have been better to just reshoot it with someone else? You already had NPH to draw in the viewers, why not just stick to the book in this case and have someone more believable? I was definitely picturing Shalene Woodley from "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" as the perfect Lindy, but again, chimps in suits don't take to logic very well. http://tinyurl.com/4w5jvj6 Some changes I liked (Kendra NOT being the sterotyped overweight goth, a Jamacian housekeeper instead of the incredibly racist 'doesn't understand much English' Mexican), this one I don't.

  • Just saying. I'm glad my girlfriend dumped me. I just KNOW she would've wanted to see this.

  • Sounds more like you you were just exploring a new avenue of your shallowness.

  • March 4, 2011, 9:52 a.m. CST

    I actually had a free pass to an advance screening of this on Monday

    by THE_CHOPPAH

    Thank, Allah, I decided not to go.

  • March 4, 2011, 9:55 a.m. CST

    You have a bunch of reviewers reviewing the same movie

    by RobFromBackEast

    What the hell happened to this site? It used to break news and have shitloads of preview stuff. Now it's the same review regurgitated by different writers on the day of release. I mean no disrespect to you, Capone; but the quality of the site, scoops, reviews etc has nosedived in the past few years. For what it's worth, Rango is bang fucking average. Trying desperately to be an animated Coen Brothers flick.

  • Sorry, I couldn't resist.

  • March 4, 2011, 10:29 a.m. CST

    Vanessa Hudgens as the "plain" girl

    by Nasty In The Pasty

    Every bit as confounding as Amanda Seyfried as the "plain" girl in Jennifer's Body.

  • March 4, 2011, 11:16 a.m. CST

    Blaaaaaarrrhhhggggg!!!

    by UltraTron

  • March 4, 2011, 11:28 a.m. CST

    nasty in the pasty

    by WriteForTheEdit

    Exactly. Here that, young girls out there everywhere? Even if you look like Vanessa H., you are still "not really pretty." So go kill yourselves. This message brought to you by the soul-eating subdemons of Hollywood.

  • March 4, 2011, 1:08 p.m. CST

    i wont hate every second of it.

    by vulturess

    because i wont be seeing it. daring me to see it and hate it makes no sense unless its actually good. i dont need to go see this to know it would make me puke and not in a good bulimic puke sort of way.

  • March 4, 2011, 1:45 p.m. CST

    LOL... one of the most amusing reviews ever...

    by allykatD

    I love the simple yet direct line "I hate this fucking movie". I giggled out loud. Too bad more reviews aren't this straight forward, but then some movies deserve the simple yet direct approach Capone elected to take. Happily I do not have to see this movie. Both of my kids are teenage boys and they won't be caught within a hundred feet of this movie... unless they're trying to impress a girlfriend. At least I don't have to go.

  • March 4, 2011, 2:17 p.m. CST

    I would have just dangled the witch from a balcony

    by drewlicious

    Seriously, I would have just held her over the side and said, "Are you going to lift the curse? Are you going to lift the curse? My fingers are getting sweaty." If she refused, whoops. This is a movie and in movie world the rich guys always have the power to get away with murder. If the witch dies anyway he has a year to lift the curse on his own. It's win-win.

  • March 4, 2011, 2:26 p.m. CST

    You lost me at

    by lookylookymoontard

    "the teen romantic-drama ",no reason to read on,why waste our time with this shit?

  • March 4, 2011, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Why does Alex P--whatever keep getting cast

    by Marat

    He has no charisma or box office pull whatsoever. Nearly every film he's in bombs. Why does this POS keep getting cast at all.

  • March 4, 2011, 3:03 p.m. CST

    But if you kill a witch...

    by HarryKnowlesNonExistentInceptionReview

    ...doesn't all the spells and curses the witch ever cast get reversed? Like when Marvel Comics finally rid itself of Jim Shooter and all the vampires he killed (every single one of them in the Marvel Universe) came back to life.

  • March 4, 2011, 4:39 p.m. CST

    Why do young women accept shitty movies like this?

    by Andrew Coleman

    Go see the Adjustment Bureau instead please! That is a sci-fi romance that is solid and well acted. Why do women enjoy this bull shit for tweens? I hope this flick bombs epically. CBS films needs to start looking into making quality films instead of dreck trying to bring in the lowest type of film audience.

  • March 4, 2011, 4:56 p.m. CST

    drewlicious - but this is the era of 'kinder and gentler'

    by Kamaji

    Besides, there's plenty of movies where you're watching ridiculous crap going on and screaming at the person, 'JUST! DO!! THIS!!!' "Your wife became a vampire, and your only response is to keep her in a secret basement, whip her and maybe chain her up? And you've been doing this for how many years!? Why didn't you just drive a stake through her heart and be done with it way back when!!?"

  • March 4, 2011, 9:24 p.m. CST

    Not recognize him with the scars

    by kitkats99

    Im sure the movie sucks, and im sure it deserves a shitty review..but you're picking on it because she doesnt recognize him with the scars/tattoos etc, when the entire country has been enamored with a comic book/movie series/tv show for 50+ years where the main character puts on a pair of glasses and nobody in the entire world recognizes him?

  • March 4, 2011, 11:35 p.m. CST

    How Many Bombs can CBS Films Make?

    by Green

  • March 6, 2011, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Truth, I generally hate Capone, but I respect the hell

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    out of him today for taking one for the team. Now all he has to do is apologize for saying that the original Predator had "dead space."

  • March 6, 2011, 2:35 p.m. CST

    How about this version gets a special appearance by Robby Benson

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    who then proceeds to rip Beastly's head off, and eat it.