I know both Robert De Niro and Edward Norton have their share of lovers and haters out there, but I’m pretty neutral. I mean, early DeNiro was as good as any actor has ever been. Too bad we’re in the fey pirate phase of his career. And Edward Norton – FIGHT CLUB – need I say more? But the rumors that he was such a prima donna that he demanded major creative control over INCREDIBLE HULK appear to have been true. Or at least that’s how I interpret Kevin Feige’s statement about why Norton was kicked off of THE AVENGERS.
The setup for STONE -- Robert De Niro: parole officer; Edward Norton: asshole punk up for parole; Milla Jovovich: sex bomb. Surely this must somehow involve my two favorite words: moral turpitude! This is an idea that could go places.
Sadly, it doesn’t. STONE is flaccid and lifeless. I was never invested in any character, because at no time did I believe this was anything other than Edward Norton talking to Robert De Niro. Just look at Norton in those cornrows:
He looks ridiculous. But that’s nothing. -- wait until you hear the silly accent he ladles onto that train wreck. I kept expecting Barbara Billingsley to step in and say, “Oh stewardess, I speak jive!”
Have these people never seen THE WIRE? There are hundreds of quite capable and exceedingly believable actors out there that can play criminals. Edward Norton is not one of them. I have not seen horseshit Hollywood casting this egregious since Frank Sinatra played a Mexican. De Niro is tolerable in his role, which is saying something, since he’s continually bathed in the reflected glow of Norton’s stunningly unfortunate pate and patois. I’m surprised De Niro could get through enough takes without bursting into laughter (or tears) to put a movie together (such as it is). But still, this is just De Niro playing De Niro with different props and scenery. We’ve seen it a hundred times.
Actually, the most interesting performance was Milla Jovovich. Yes, that’s right, Milla Jovovich out-acted Robert De Niro and Edward Norton. Star of RESIDENT EVIL Milla Jovovich. One step away from being in a Uwe Boll film Milla Jovovich. It doesn’t hurt that she’s still atomic bomb hot, and her character is essentially a sex goddess. She’s at least a wildcard, and we never quite know what she’s going to do. Well, ok, you know the main thing she’s going to do. She won’t be getting any statues for what amounts to a one-note affair (a note that she hammers pretty damn hard), but in a film chock-a-block with caricatures and dead-obvious plot points, we’re desperate for any whiff of mystery. For at least a fleeting moment we get to think, “Maybe this one way trip to Obvioustown has a stop somewhere!“ Her presence is kind of like finding a glass of water in the desert. It is just plain old H20 in most contexts, but in this barren wasteland, it’s a life-giving elixir.
I suppose I should summarize the plot, though there’s not much more to it than I already wrote. I won’t even bother looking up the characters’ names, because they never managed to convince me they even were characters. Norton is a criminal facing the parole board. De Niro is the cop who has to interview him. You know the drill, it is his last case before he retires! Norton’s fate is in De Niro’s hands. But then Jovovich, the inexplicably hot supermodel wife of moronic street thug Norton, comes into the picture. Yes, it goes where you think it is going to go.
Themes hit you on the head in this film like safes raining from the sky. Both the film and Norton’s character are named STONE, for a start. The movie begins in a flashback with De Niro’s character doing something bad. See, he could have ended up like Norton, but for the grace of God. But that’s not enough – the characters have to mull this point over a few times and repeat it back and forth to each other. Why just imply when you can show and reiterate? But then, subtlety is never the strong suit of any film where a character is going to do something, “One last time!”
I saw STONE at TIFF. I talked to about a half-dozen people who saw it there, and it left them all cold. One guy even fell asleep. The Tomatometer is running at 33%. That is hardly a scientific poll, but I was quite perplexed at the 8.4 rating on IMDB, with about 300 votes. How could this be, before it is even released? Could it be ballot box stuffing by an overzealous marketing department? They certainly are advertising the hell out of it on sites like this. Which is why I felt all the more motivated to get this review in. It opens in some cities this weekend, but don’t waste your time.
