‘I Can’t Feel My Face!! I Can’t Feel My Face!!’ Herc’s Seen Tonight’s 90-Minute Melontastic AMAZING RACE Premiere!!

I am – Hercules!! THREE hairstylists (on three different teams), two beauty contest winners (on two different teams), two home-shopping hosts, two hot beach volleyball girls, two hot girl doctors and a hot mother and daughter reunited after 20 years are among the competitors in the 17th edition of “The Amazing Race” launching tonight. The big news? Tonight sports the unambiguously wondrous melonsling incident: I love this show, but it plays like my worst stress dreams. “Amazing Race” editors love shots depicting contestants wiping sweat from their upper lips. “It’s morning in Gloucester, Mass., the oldest seaport in America,” notes Phil. “It was carved out of a coastline that is both dangerous and beautiful.” A fleet of lobster boats transport the teams to the starting line. “Don’t yell at me, Chad!” Boyfriend-girlfriend Stephanie Smith and Chad Waltrip met eight months ago and have already purchased a home together in the Miami area. Competitors refer to them (I think) as “Tinkerbell and her boyfriend.” Bitter ex-footballer Chad intends to propose marriage during the race. But Chad is loud and angry and inpatient with Stephanie at times, so “yes” might not be the first word on her lips. Birth mother and daughter Andie DeKroon and Jenna Sykes, recently reunited after the Andie gave her newborn daughter up for adoption over 20 years ago, never even rode in the same car together prior to the show. The first time they heard each other’s voices was for their “Amazing Race” application video. The show marks “only the third time we’ve been around each other.” Competing teams call them “The Gilmore Girls,” which I find hilarious. The a capella singers Connor Diemand-Yauman and Jonathan Schwartz are dubbed “Team Glee” by competitors but are not initially shown kissing each other or tossing around the term “partner.” They are missing their Princeton graduation ceremony to compete. Beach volleyball girls Katie Seamon and Rachel Johnston strike me as a little shrimpy, which could account for what appears to be a low standing for their playing skills, but they both look incredible in bikinis. Nat Strand and Kat Chang (Nat & Kat!), the lady doctors, once collaborated on a 3 a.m. heart transplant. Nat is a type-one diabetic on an insulin pump. I’d love to know what she thinks of the pilot for CBS’ “Blue Bloods.” The father/son team is comprised of “Internet sensations,” according to Phil. The junior half of the team claims a million subscribers. I suspect he’s exaggerating. Hairstylist Vicki Casciola and bartender boyfriend Nick DeCarlo are tattooed bikers. I find myself immediately disliking Nick, who sports an unpleasant dye job and enjoys playing to the camera. Miss Kentucky 2009 Mallory Ervin’s dad Gary taught her how to hunt and fish. (I have every confidence she is not the first Miss Kentucky to make a similar boast.) Hairstylist Jill Haney and salesman boyfriend Thomas Wolfard were apparently chosen because they’re not bad-looking. Director/choreographer Ron Kellum and best friend, Tony Stovall, a doctoral student at the University of Arizona, met performing “The Wiz” onstage. I'm not joking! This is my job! Before the race begins, Phil introduces a new element he describes as “a real game changer.” It’s called “The Express Pass” and you can only get it by coming in first place at the end of a leg. All teams are forced to make their way to the airport in humiliating smart cars. There are two planes waiting for the teams at Logan International, but the one scheduled to arrive 30 minutes earlier has room for only three teams. “Son of a bitch!” remarks a member of the fourth team to arrive at the ticket counter. “We were so close!” At the first overseas destination, the Americans have to drive stick-shift autos on the left side of the road. Which means they have to work their stick-shifts with their left hands. A major hint regarding Destination One is cloaked in the Text Invisible. Don’t highlight it!! Stonehenge! Where the demons dwell Where the banshees live and they do live well Stonehenge! Where a man's a man And the children dance to the Pipes of Pan Teams have to climbs what I’ll call “the megaladder.” Even before Team Number One checks in, Phil reveals whether or not this is an elimination leg. Seventeen seasons in, I still love this series’ stirring title theme. Did you know John M. Keane, who composed it, starred in his own Jonas-y CBS TV series the summer “Star Wars” was released? 8:30 p.m. Sunday. CBS. Follow Herc on Twitter!! Follow Evil Herc on Twitter!! 2 In Blu!! 126 Blu-rays Under $10!!