I am – Hercules!!
CBS’ disappointing new “Hawaii Five-0” comes to us from writer-producer Peter Lenkov (“CSI NY”) as an uninspired buddy-cop caper. It’s maybe trying to be a white-boy “Bad Boys” but doesn’t clear that fairly low bar.
It’s a very loose remake of CBS’ old anti-hippie Jack Lord series. As the new pilot begins, Five-0 agency does not exist; the phrase “Five-0” (or even the number “50”) is never uttered.
Steve McGarrett here is a young Oahu native and Navy officer with a background in intelligence and the SEALs. He’s suddenly charged by the Hawaiian governor (Jean Smart) with forming a new state police task force.
Dan Williams is now a divorced New Jersey police detective who relocated to Hawaii to be closer to his daughter. Chin Ho Kelly is a disgraced ex-Honolulu cop who worked with McGarrett’s terrorist-victim father. And the mountainous Kono Kalakaua is now a hot skinny girl fresh out of the police academy.
So a new team is forged on something like the template of the “Untouchables” movie: the new leader gathers together an outsider, somebody who knows the Hawaiian way, and a kid new to the force.
Alex O'Loughlin (“Moonlight,” “Three Rivers”), who plays the new McGarrett, is a good-looking stiff. He evokes a Nicolas Cage with all the important edges sanded off. Scott Caan seems more surefooted as Danno, but the bickery banter given these supposedly mismatched crime fighters is bush league. “Lost” icon Daniel Dae Kim doesn’t get a lot to do as Chin in the opener.
The best thing about the hour is the tan body of skinny, sexy Grace Park (“Battlestar Galactica”). Her lanky cadet character is introduced in a bikini, then later finds herself forced to strip down to her bra and panties by a human trafficker. Park’s physique is almost reason enough to give this pilot a look; CBS will want to keep her half-naked at all times. Let’s hope the producers continue to find excuses.
Also attention-getting are two nifty CGI-enhanced vehicular stunts: one with McGarrett sliding on the hood of a crashing car; another with a thug getting violently smooshed by a large, fast-moving truck. But I don’t think CBS has made a “Five-O” promo yet that didn’t feature these two fleeting moments, so there’s now no reason to sit through an hour of tepid procedural to get to them.
The Hollywood Reporter says:
… We have all the makings of an odd-couple buddy show, but the banter and chemistry are so annoying it's hard to watch. Alpha-male pissing contests are not unknown on cop shows; a little macho energy and friction can work as a driving force. But when Williams offers, at the end of a running argument, "Let's just not talk," you find yourself wishing they'd stick to it. … some things are better than they were in the '60s -- including the top tier of television shows. This just isn't one of them. …
Variety says:
… the expensive pilot -- millions were spent on front-loaded explosions -- doesn't necessarily indicate smooth sailing, relying as it does on playful banter (more like frat-boy hazing) between the leads that grows tiresome even before the hour's over. … Admittedly, those weaned on the original are only a peripheral part of the audience CBS covets, and the pacing required a modern-day makeover. Still, the raw materials -- from the island setting to the underused Kim and Park -- have more potential than punch in the pilot, resulting in just another crime procedural with a nifty blue-sky backdrop. …
USA Today says:
… It's TV at its least challenging, but it has an incredibly gorgeous setting, a pre-sold concept, a cushy time slot, a solid supporting cast and a starmaking turn by Caan. And if the actual star marries the body of a surfer to the magnetism of a board, let's just say it won't be the first time CBS has overcome such a problem. …
The New York Times says:
… McGarrett and Danno meet and pair up in the premiere with the kind of bickering contentiousness usually reserved on television for men and women about to land — to the surprise of no one but themselves — in bed. … …
The Los Angeles Times says:
… the limpid-eye woodenness O'Loughlin inevitably brings to a role (settle down, "Moonlight" fans; you know it's true) works well enough for Steve McGarrett — Jack Lord played it clenched and clipped too — but that's about as far as it goes, and "well enough" cannot be what CBS was looking for. Fortunately, O'Loughlin's by-the-book performance is buoyed by a fast-paced script and a splendid supporting cast, including and especially Scott Caan as Danno, that radiates enough hit-making energy to render even Oahu's azure waters and perfect sunsets superfluous. …
TV Squad says:
… replicates the premise of a whole host of CBS procedurals. Your mileage will vary as to whether that's a problem for you. … despite the dude-tastic charisma that Caan brings to Danno, I can't quite see a reason to watch 'Hawaii Five-0' again, given that each week, the stories will probably feel like something we've already seen on 'NCIS,' 'NCIS Los Angeles' or any number of the 'CSIs.' Bad guys will be caught, the team shall be triumphant. Rinse and repeat. …
The San Francisco Chronicle says:
… nothing but entertainment. It's eye candy. Waves, sun, island culture, Park. A bad guy surfaces, McGarrett goes to work. Danno books him. End of story. Sometimes there are gunbattles. Fists fly. That's all there is, folks. It's not rocket science. True, watching the original is more fun. And more cheesy. But waves are waves. Hawaii is still pretty. And if you're looking for anything deeper than that, you've landed on the wrong island. "Lost" is over. Let your mind take a break. …
The Washington Post says:
… a big bag of dumb fun, with a story told as tautly and smoothly as the surface of a Polynesian drum. … His fan base strongly believes O'Loughlin is hot to trot, but his screen presence seems so completely cardboard that I think he should have This Side Up tattooed on his abs. But here, a stiff McGarrett is the way to go. …
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:
… Overwrought and humorless, this remake of the classic '70s series offers some strong action sequences but generic plot and character introductions. … O'Loughlin takes his shirt off just once in the pilot (perhaps to distract from his sometimes wooden performance), and he's teamed with the more charismatic Scott Caan …
HitFix says:
… nothing new to see here … it's fun. Not thought-provoking, not innovative, not super-quotable the next day (unless you want to trot out the old "Book 'em, Danno" catchphrase, which the new show wisely does at one point). But entertaining, in the kind of mindless but effective style of your better action flicks. …
The Boston Herald says:
… O’Loughlin is taking his third shot (“Moonlight,” “Three Rivers”) in as many years on CBS and seems to have finally found series gold, but Caan’s the real delight. You’d never know it from his recent run on HBO’s “Entourage,” but he’s warm and funny and exhibits great chemistry with everyone in the cast. …
The Boston Globe says:
… There’s nothing groundbreaking going on here, just old-fashioned action-adventure fun. …
10 p.m. Monday. CBS.
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