Harry would totally not fuck with MACHETE!

Hey folks, Harry here... I wasn't anticipating to like MACHETE. I know I'm friends with Robert Rodriguez - and I know that I've even worked with him before, and most likely will again... but I'm pretty clear on Rodriguez's career. I love EL MARIACHI, ROAD RACERS, DESPERADO, his segment of FOUR ROOMS, FROM DUSK TIL DAWN, THE FACULTY, SIN CITY and PLANET TERROR. In his kid film world, I really enjoy the SPY KIDS series as pure kid entertainment, but I really dislike ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO (though there are pieces of it I love) and I loathe SHORTS and am mainly ambivalent to SHARKBOY. That said, MACHETE belongs to that group I love. Now, before going into this - you need to know that this is a non-stop gore-fest. It reminds me a lot of those William Lustig crime flicks like VIGILANTE (coming soon to BluRay!) - You will see tits, belonging to Lindsey Lohan - you will see decapitations, disemboweling, head explosions, crushings and a not quite infinite display of machete deaths. But this really is the first whole hog MEXPLOITATION film. Robert's El Mariachi trilogy might have helped the genre get started, but MACHETE is absolutely the first classic work of pure MEXPLOITATION and it is done with relish. I couldn't attend any of the press screenings or the world premiere in Austin this week, so today - Father Geek and I decided to go check out the first matinee we could make. Which turned out being the 5:15pm showing at the Alamo Village. With a 2/3rds full audience - we watched this absurd film unleash its blood drenched ass-kicking commence for the next 105 minutes. Inevitably - folks will begin comparing this to THE EXPENDABLES - but frankly, to me they're very different films. THE EXPENDABLES purports to be a realistic attempt. The gore, matches the calibre. With MACHETE - there's no fucking reality going on here - this film easily could have been made in the heyday of Roger Corman Exploitation. There's a non-stop swagger to the film that never lets up. I mean... jumping out a window to swing from a man's intestines... well, I'm pretty sure that's about as cartoonish as it gets - and I don't fucking care, cuz it makes me giggle like a monkey on pot! The film is all over the place performance wise. Danny Trejo though - he's the rock of this film. He's the fucking Lee Marvin of Mexicans... If faces should be carved upon mountains, his is the face you could scale. Throughout the film he just glides through. It is like he knows TITO & TARANTULA created his theme. Like he knows the film is shot at high frame rates and with a throbbing pulse-activating bass & the searing sound of electric guitars. In other words - his soundtrack is simply cool - in a rocking Carl Stalling kind of manner - that accents every gag, that punctuates every line, that accompanies every zany bit of action. Trejo looks natural killing people with no remorse... but also seems equally at ease seducing a mother & her daughter. And... I absolutely believe this about Danny Trejo. That said - I would appreciate a spin-off film entitled OSIRIS - about the most graphically violent italian-american-nerd hitman of all time. And that film must fucking star TOM SAVINI. And surround him with a cast like this as well. I'd line up in a heartbeat. I used to say the same thing about SEX MACHINE - hell I even wrote a script on spec for that, but when the direct to dvd FROM DUSK TIL DAWN's tanked... it went nowhere. Que Lastima! I really and truly believe in the face and form of TOM SAVINI - and I have been dying for someone to use him, the way Rodriguez uses Trejo here. Steven Seagal - is mainly sufferable throughout the film. It's bizarre seeing him as a villian. It comes natural to him... but - giggle - I put spoiler tags on this review - because... Man, I just have to say it. Steven Seagal's death scene is one of the most ludicrously hilarious death performances that I've ever seen - and I howled in laughter from it. Now I hardly consider that a spoiler because... in a film entitled MACHETE starring Rodriguez's personal man-crush, Danny Trejo... in a Mexploitation Myth film... there isn't a way in fucking hell that Seagal could take down Trejo... but Seagal is given the Steve Austin bionic sound every time he pulls out his samurai sword - and that cracked me up too. Jessica Alba - god bless her astonishing figure and her crazy perfect complexion... but her standing on a truck attempting a rousing speech - it just makes me laugh. In fact, most of the funky moments of the film, become hilarious - simply because of the absurdity of what is commencing. This is even more absurd if you live in Austin, one of the most peaceful cities of size in this country... but god damn we love our simulated violence in this city. Better to bleed on screen than upon the streets of our fair city. I was actually surprised by De Niro's Senator McLaughlin. I found him quite fun, and there's a few moments in his hate-speeches where a little Max Cady peeks his head out - and Max, you've been missed. Cheech Marin is fun... but the best actor this side of Trejo in this film, is Jeff Fahey as Karl Rove - I mean Booth. A typical Republican Political Strategist. Through and through. They do this shit... ALL THE TIME. I'm serious. Actually, I'm kinda kidding. Kinda. The purpose of this crazy film is to create an exploitation legend about the Mexican JOHN HENRY - who doesn't swing a jack hammer to build a railroad, but a machete to harvest the heads of the mutherfuckers of this world. And that's reason enough to enjoy the living shit out of this movie. Fuck it. I'm paying to see it again, Monday. When I take Yoko. Total date movie. If you're dating a girl worth a shit, that is. Heh. Rodriguez did dirty the film up a bit - gave it a varnish of crud and he popped out the colors till they lick your eyeballs sweetly. Oh... and a low-rider compound assault is about as sublimely joyful as I've been in a real long time. Made me want a MASK movie pronto. Yes, I typed that. I want a MASK movie with tricked out absurd cars. Blame it on Bond and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang... well, I guess blame Ian Fleming... he's responsible for that fetish. Should this movie incense you, you're probably an asshole.