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From Bloody Boobs to Blue Balls: A Reader Reviews Piranha 3-D!

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Since the studio decided to vote no on press screenings there's been a shortage of reviews in advance of the release. I see why they'd do it... not like this movie is critic-bait anyway, but as someone who loves Joe Dante's original Jaws homage (written by the great and respectable John Salles, no less) and a good, cheesy tongue-in-cheek horror flick with tons of blood, gore and breastseses I'm itching to see the flick. And considering Richard Dreyfuss is pretty much playing Matt Hooper at the beginning (from wardrobe to name, I'm told) that guarantees me some enjoyment. Plus, it's Alex Aja. His Haute Tension is 95% the best horror movie of the decade. Anyway, we got a reader review that has some spoilery material and I figured I'd go ahead and run it. I'll probably be seeing the flick tonight at some theater in town and will hopefully be awake enough to run my own review afterward.

Hey Harry Been on the site for a few years now but this is the first time I'm sending you guys anything, hope you can use it. I'm a projectionist and I just screened Piranha in 3D, I haven't seen any reviews yet so I thought I'd send you a quick write-up. (MILD SPOILERS) The movie starts with an awesome cameo by Richard Dreyfuss, and right away I thought I was in for something great. I saw it for free, but by the end I couldn't recommend it to someone paying $14-$16 to see it. The movie itself is 82 minutes, and the first hour is really slow going. Pretty much all there is to hold your attention is a completely useless teenage romance subplot, a lot of boobs and a few deaths. But the deaths are heavily CGId, shaky and close-up so you can barely make out what happening. And yeah, boobs are nice to look at but it gets old fast. Plus, I'm pretty sure all of the naked women are pornstars (except Kelly Brook), so just get their names from the credits and you can look up videos that show a lot more than their tits. But at the 60 minute mark the thing kicks into high gear. The massacre in the lake (the Comic-Con footage) is pretty epic; all kinds of crazy, sadistic deaths. And they finally lay off the CGI and start using practical in-camera effects, and it gets pretty gruesome. Huge gaping wounds, people ripped in half, limbs partially chewed apart, propellers chopping people up, a scalping, a great head squashing. Really fun, really really gory stuff. Then, just as it's got your heart racing and it's really starting to get you involved...roll credits. BLUE BALLS. It doesn't end so much as it just stops. It defenitely feels like they cut the last 20 minutes of the script off because they didn't have the budget or they had a runtime constriction. But either way they neglected to write an ending. After seeing this movie I'm still of the opinion that 3D is unecessary and takes more away from a film than it adds. But unlike "Clash of the Titans" or "The Last Airbender," the film is bright and the 3D effects are rendered well enough. None of the actors really make an impression because their characters are completely underwritten (it was nice to see Christopher Lloyd for a few seconds), but there was one exception. I thought Adam Scott was great. I love how he goes from being the pussy, nerdy scientist who can't believe Elisabeth Shue is crazy enough to go back out on the lake...to badass action hero saving teens on a jet-ski while pumping & firing a shotgun with one hand in about 5 seconds. The whole time he's reacting to every situation like he's in the audience watching this movie; he's really self-deprecating and has a lot of fun with the role. So if you still want to see it, my advice would be to watch the first 5 minutes for the awesome Richard Dreyfuss cameo. Then leave the theater, go to your car and download a couple porn videos on your iPhone...and come back 55 minutes later to watch the last 20. If you use this call me J-Dawg. "The thing about the J-Dawg...is that you can't tame the J-Dawg"
Readers Talkback
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  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:04 p.m. CST

    Do people really watch movies for breasts?

    by StarryNight

    You do know that you can type "boobs" into Google and see all sorts of breasts at any time you want, right? And you don't have to pay $12.50 or sit through 90 minutes of nonsense.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:04 p.m. CST

    This looks worse than snakes on a plane

    by quadrupletree

    And I don't mean that in a good way!

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:09 p.m. CST

    That sounds like "The Expendables".

    by The Reluctant Austinite

    See the beginning, zone out for an hour, then tune in for the non-stop 20 minute explosion. I'm crossing my fingers I like it better than that.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:11 p.m. CST

    the thing about the J-Dawg

    by charlesbronsonLIVES

    is that he's always raping little boys.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:13 p.m. CST

    boob scenes"

    by Mike_D

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:17 p.m. CST

    $14-$16 for a movie? Where the hell does this guy live?

    by slone13

    Even here in NYC it's only $11...

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:17 p.m. CST

    I expect it to be retarded.

    by Nice Marmot

    And after this review, I STILL have to see it in the theater.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:18 p.m. CST

    And I can see it for 5 bucks . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . before noon on Sunday.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:19 p.m. CST

    Who the fuck is "John Salles"?

    by RETURN_of_FETT

    Might you be talking about John SAYLES? Fucking Christ! If you're going to praise someone, spell their fuckin' name right!</p><p>SO seeing this by the way. Aside from Toy Story 3 this could be the sole redeeming film of the summer!

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:20 p.m. CST

    You don't HAVE to go to a theater for anything

    by alienindisguise

    Save your money and do something productive with an hour and a half of your life.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:28 p.m. CST

    $14 - $16 for a movie

    by D o o d

    is normal in LA.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:29 p.m. CST

    alien

    by frongbak

    like go to a website dedicated to movie watching and make inane comments?

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:33 p.m. CST

    Plant?

    by holidill

    John Sayles

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:34 p.m. CST

    Plant

    by chrismata

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Boobs

    by frongbak

    There is something really great about a good breast shot in a movie, especially if it's someone you usually can't see, ex. Tilda Swinton in Young Adam, or the hottie from Community in Choke.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:37 p.m. CST

    boobs are nice

    by RedBull_Werewolf

    I seriously think all movie should have 3D boobs, toy story was seriously lacking in this department, as was inception. Good movies io guess but, boobs always make things better

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:38 p.m. CST

    $14-$16

    by louiedog

    Yes, even in NYC movies are only $11, depending on where you go. However, this is a 3D movie. $14 is what a 3D movie costs in the last two cities I've lived in, Chicago and San Francisco. In Manhattan, they're upwards of $17.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:45 p.m. CST

    nike alliance

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  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:46 p.m. CST

    Can't wait...

    by 9000rpm

    ...to rent this one. Not even if it's the last movie ever made would I see it in a theatre or buy it. Particularly since it's in 3D and we have to boycott 3D films or soon everything will be in 3D and cost 30% more.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:52 p.m. CST

    SLONE13

    by Bungion Boy

    Yes, this is a 3D movie which will be $3 or so more expensive than a regular film, but I would love to hear what NYC theatres are still only $11. A couple months ago they all went up to $13, even some of the more indie theatres like IFC Center.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:59 p.m. CST

    Dreyfuss must be preaty desperate for cash

    by Samuel Fulmer

    What's next? Will he show up to Jaws fanboys' homes dressed as Matt Hooper and give them a lap dance while Krippendorf's Tribe plays in the background.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 1:59 p.m. CST

    It was written by John Salley

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Everyone's favorite Detroit Piston.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:01 p.m. CST

    Adam Scott's death in tv spot

    by Bungion Boy

    I love Adam Scott too. Between things like Step Brothers, Parks and Recreation, and Party Down, he's become someone I've really enjoyed watching lately. But it looks like all the tv spots show his death. And what a bullshit, "Deep Blue Sea" sort of rip off death it is. It's already all too apparent that Dreyfus dies in the opening scene. Is Adam Scott really the lead in this film or are all of the few actors that I like in this relegated to brief to extended cameos?

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Anybody paying more than 8 bucks for this

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Is getting ripped off.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:16 p.m. CST

    Boobies does not exist in this dojo

    by Cobra--Kai

    Kelly Brook..<p> AND Elizabeth Shue??<p> Holy fuck. Four awesome reasons to see this movie.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:16 p.m. CST

    95% the best horror movie of the decade

    by the_octagon

    is the kind of like 60% of the time it works every time??

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:20 p.m. CST

    Gee, this movie gets a free pass

    by RPLocke

    And Transformers gets slammed.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:33 p.m. CST

    Do people really watch movies for breasts?

    by SmokingRobot

    Two words: Hollow Man.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:36 p.m. CST

    I like tits. I like gore. And tits.Tits.

    by Stuntcock Mike

    Of course I'm in for this.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:38 p.m. CST

    I dont watch movies for breasts

    by sheepshagger

    its got to have a bit of muff in it too.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:40 p.m. CST

    If you like Adam Scott . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . I sure as hell hope you saw the season finale of Eastbound and Down. Funny stuff . . .

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:44 p.m. CST

    95% of the decade, it's better than 50% of the other half

    by The Reluctant Austinite

    of horror films I've seen.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:45 p.m. CST

    The 95% thing...

    by RETURN_of_FETT

    I'm POSITIVE what he meant is that it's the best fuckin' horror movie of the decade...until the last 10 minutes which completely ruins the film.</p><p>To this day I wonder what in the holy fuck Aja was thinking. Talk about a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:48 p.m. CST

    There are people who don't like breasts?

    by RETURN_of_FETT

    Who are these people? They must be hunted down and burned on a pyre! Even women and fags at least APPRECIATE breasts.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:54 p.m. CST

    Who watches movies for nudity?

    by IAmLegolas

    People without internet access apparently.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 2:57 p.m. CST

    The High Tension ending backlash (Spoiler)

    by Samuel Fulmer

    The ending would have been more novel had it not happened at the height of every horror film having the same twist, that being that the hero is really the bad guy or crazy. If it had come out in 1993 it would get more praise, and this is coming from someone that thought the ending was terrible and cliche.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 3:07 p.m. CST

    Don't knock movie knockers

    by Sonny_Williams

    Why should one be deprived of seeing boobage simply because they're out at the movies instead of pornsurfing? Hell yeah I want tits in movies, tits in ALL movies. If they had tits in church I might go every Sunday, maybe Wednesdays too! Hooray for TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 3:08 p.m. CST

    but....

    by torpedoboy

    tits ARE movies.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Who needs movie nudity?

    by PinkFloyd7

    I can see my wife's epic double D breasts any time I want.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 3:32 p.m. CST

    As a projectionist, did he stick his head

    by skimn

    out the booth window with his 3D glasses on? With digital projection, what do projectionists do nowadays?

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 3:36 p.m. CST

    PinkFloyd7

    by skimn

    Does she whip them out at your local cinema? That is if you ever find time to leave the house.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 4:01 p.m. CST

    The Choppah...

    by SayNoToRemakes

    ...thanks for sparing me from having to call it...

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 4:04 p.m. CST

    Porn starts

    by Fithian

    At least three of the ladies in the movie are porn stars, including the boobilicous Gianna Michaels.....in 3D

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 4:33 p.m. CST

    60 minute mark the thing kicks into high gear

    by Riff_Randell

    Well, forget it.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 4:37 p.m. CST

    The Thing About The J-Dawg Is . . .

    by Jim Halpert

    . . . that the J-Dawg likes receiving The Ol' Shocker now and again.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 4:39 p.m. CST

    I'll have to remember that line

    by Kaitain

    "And yeah, boobs are nice to look at but it gets old fast."

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 4:40 p.m. CST

    Double D

    by Kaitain

    "I can see my wife's epic double D breasts any time I want." <p> Does that mean she's enormously overweight? <p> Just askin'.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 4:51 p.m. CST

    Best movie of the Summer?

    by andrew coleman

    Probably not.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 5:04 p.m. CST

    I so hope this flops

    by Rupee88

    probably won't and budget was so low that it will probably still be profitable no matter what, but hope it underperforms.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 5:20 p.m. CST

    PinkFloyd --- borrringg

    by Sicuv Uyall

    You probably have to pick them up off the floor to look at them!

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Any Elisabeth Shue topless scenes?

    by HapaPapa72

    Oh wait. That's what Leaving Las Vegas is for. Sounds like a $5 DVD to me.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 6:23 p.m. CST

    Adam Scott...

    by Captain Hollywood

    Is quickly becoming one of my favourite actors. He has a certain charisma about him where he becomes the best part of every scene every time. I was watching Torque recently and he's probably the best part of the movie. With his new gig on Parks and Rec I hope it gives him more work.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 6:32 p.m. CST

    Ayoooooo...

    by Traumnovelle

    High Tension best horror of the decade? It's not even in the same ballpark as The Mist. It's not even the same sport as The Mist. The Mist shits on High Tension, AND pisses on it. The Mist does a Max Hardcore to High Tension. <P> I absolutely love The Hills Have Eyes remake, but The Mist is the best horror movie of the past decade, bar none.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 6:40 p.m. CST

    No way you could both drive a jetski...

    by HarryKnowlesNonExistentInceptionReview

    ...and shoot a shotgun. Once you go over about 30 in a jetski, you really have to hang on with both hands to keep from sliding off. Plus, all the spray would fuck up the shotgun. Of course this is a bad movie, and a BAD, bad movie as opposed to a good bad movie, sounds like. Damn, it's been raining here every weekend and I'd really like to go jetskiing...

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Elisabeth Shue topless would've only worked for me...

    by HarryKnowlesNonExistentInceptionReview

    ... back around 1989-1995 or so. Basically from Adventures In Babysitting/Back To the Future sequels era to the Leaving Las Vegas era... not one year later than that, though. She has not aged well. Before '89, she had a big ass and thick thighs... check her out in that cheerleader skirt in Karate Kid, also a turn off. Her fuckability window only ran about 6-7 years, tops.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 6:50 p.m. CST

    Kaitain...

    by HarryKnowlesNonExistentInceptionReview

    ...Depends on how big everything else is.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 6:53 p.m. CST

    Pirahna 3D

    by Anakinredsabre

    Damn..Ashlynn Brook is in this? Now that is a hot piece of ass. She plays "Cheerleader". LOL

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 7:10 p.m. CST

    the thing about the J-Dawg...

    by MJs_Cold_Dead_Pale_Corpse

    is that he's a pedophile monkey

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 7:12 p.m. CST

    "Cobra--Kai is a faggot in and outside of this Dojo"

    by MJs_Cold_Dead_Pale_Corpse

    a little faggot

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 7:13 p.m. CST

    TV ads ruined this for me.

    by TedKordLives

    Once I saw how Adam Scott goes out in the FUCKING TV SPOTS, I was out. Shit like that is why I never watch tv in the first place. <P> Damn your television, Burger King!

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 7:25 p.m. CST

    Ashlynn Brook FTW

    by gun_will_travel

    Yum.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Why are you acting like this is the first time Brook has shown t

    by Neck_Lucas

    jesus fucking christ..GOOGLE.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 8:28 p.m. CST

    Piranha 3-D is the future of movies!

    by James_Camera_On

    Forget Scott What's-his-name. That's so last week. Finally it's here. A movie that dares to dream bigger than anything you have seen this summer! Even Harry won't fall asleep during this one! But I bet a lot of normal people will.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 8:38 p.m. CST

    Neck_Lucas

    by Anakinredsabre

    Maybe cause its just kinda cool to see her in a mainstream movie thats all. I know she is all over the web, gimme a fucking break man.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 9:01 p.m. CST

    ><))^))o> ( o Y o ) ><))^))o>

    by The_Cliffster

    .. my braille movie description for the blind.....

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 10:02 p.m. CST

    Transformers gets slammed but this gets a free pass?

    by RPLocke

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 10:20 p.m. CST

    RPLocke

    by Bouncy X

    the difference with Transformers is that was based on a cartoon many loved so they were blinded by nostalgia and/or their love for the property. in this case, its a remake of a terrible b-movie which itself spawned a terrible DTV remake in 1995. no attachments or expectations. of course that still doesnt explain how Snakes on a Plane had such a huge presence online before it came out and tanked but i guess this sorta rides in that boat as well.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 10:31 p.m. CST

    Bouncy X

    by RPLocke

    Yeah, I guess I never cared Transformers like the die hards did, so I enjoyed the movie.

  • Aug. 19, 2010, 11:06 p.m. CST

    Who the Fuck pays 14-15 for a movie?????

    by j2talk

    matinee prices here are @$5 with regular adult ticket prices @$7...no way in hell I'd plunk down more than @10 for ANY SHOW........

  • Aug. 20, 2010, 7:05 a.m. CST

    I saw the original PIRANHA yesterday

    by AsimovLives

    I was suprised by the amount of humour that's in the film, considering the movie starts a bit half-serious. But as things get worst, the movie gets funnier... until the final attack scene which is played totaly for real, and again, i was amazed and suprised how serious the movie becames by the end. My favorite part of the movie? Death by pollution, the only effective way to really deal with the Piranha menace. I think i laughed for 5 minutes straigh! They sure don't make them like that anymore! Some people call PIRANHA a JAWS rip-off and while it might had started that way, the movie elevates itself far beyond a mere rip-off. It's a damn fine movie on it's own right, doesn't need the clutch of JAWS.

  • Aug. 20, 2010, 7:31 a.m. CST

    The Thing About The J-Dawg Is. . .

    by Jim Halpert

    . . . that the J-Dawg microwaved his cat.

  • Aug. 20, 2010, 8:53 a.m. CST

    Meh. I'll wait until it's on Cinemax

    by jtp8000

    It will fit in with all the soft core porn and direct to video horror movies they show on that channel

  • Aug. 20, 2010, 9:01 a.m. CST

    14 bucks for a movie ticket?

    by AsimovLives

    And i complain about paying 6 euros for my movie tickets!

  • Aug. 20, 2010, 3:19 p.m. CST

    Haute Tension 95% best horror of the decade?

    by D.Vader

    Not even close. But then again, I dunno what is...

  • Aug. 24, 2010, 10:04 a.m. CST

    math

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