Ain't It Cool News (

Harry says that ECLIPSE is the first fully complete film of the TWILIGHT series... well, almost.

I figured I'd get this done with before starting the DVD column for the night. I just got back from seeing ECLIPSE at a local Press screening. I really do wonder what seeing these press screenings would've been like had they not allowed the squealing throngs of Twigirls in... The problem is, as they bubble over with nervous anticipatory giggles - it becomes incredibly hard to take the films seriously at all... and it seems that the story itself kind of gave in on it's own yummy teenage anxiousness... I'm sorry, the Edward, Bella, Jacob tent scene? OK - so how many folks here have ever been in a love triangle relationship? I've unfortunately been in a couple of those. They are almost without exception the most deceptive and jealous-ridden situations ever. AND - if I ever found myself in that tent in a blowing cold mountain top on what could very well have been the last night of my life? And if I were a Teenage Girl.... I'd totally be all about that doggy & diamond double dicking! And there wasn't a girl in my theater tonight that wasn't wondering if the diamond sprinkled vampire skin would be more like the pyrex dildo or the cyberskin one? And the team Jacob girls with the German Shepard.... mmhmmm, you know it. The funny thing is - Every actor in that tent is thinking that too. And I kinda think that Jacob would be into it, because he does say, "Bella you are capable of loving more than one person." So, I'm pretty damn sure that Jacob almost wants to be the puppy on the floor nestled at the foot of the bed, just waiting to play. This film is about sex. The father knows it is either happening or is close to happening. He's kinda freaking out, because he doesn't know how to act about it, because he looks at Robert Pattinson's Edward and he can't imagine the teenage girl in him fucking that. Her mother knows. We all fucking know they're all about fucking each other. Edward has this Victorian hang up about no sex before marriage, it is driving Bella's hormones into overdrive. It is the only reason this fucking triangle is going on. Bella is putting out fuck me pheromones like a bitch in heat - and Jacob's doggy sensitive nose can not stay out of her crack. He might be "talking" about her "heartbeat stopping," but what he really wants is that hymen. HE KNOWS IT! That's why he's leg humping her at every single chance. And you can't really hate him like that other guy, because he's a puppy. He can't help it. Just look at those pert always hard boy nipples? They're just so amazingly in focus. They're just asking to be nuzzled at the very least. That there are actual scenes of Edward driving Bella out in the middle of nowhere, just to hand off to Jacob? Several times. When has this actually happened? This movie is just so "out" as to what it is, that there is absolutely no way I couldn't fucking kinda love it. This movie is such a thigh squeezer that guys... if you're just moderately passibly cute after 3 beers, you might want to go just to try and hook up. This is absolutely better than WOLVERINE was... a bit gayer, but ya know... there's some cool fucking action, way cuter girls... well, way cuter guys too, if that like makes you questionable curious or not, might be up to your on threshold for thinking about wonder what it'd be like... You know, they're just so goddamn pretty. Your girlfriend will probably definitely be thinking about a 3 way with you and one of these guys on screen. I'm not just talking about Jacob or Edward. Your girl might have a thing for Jasper, or that Moose looking mutherfucker. There's totally a Hyper Riverdale kinda vibe, mixed with some of the silliness of that whole NEW MUTANTS thing was. You know. Teenager superheroes? That's this, but there's just two types... The Furry ones or the Glam ones. I can giggle through out this fucking thing. Because... I can go home, tell my wife I'd totally do "______" with you... And I'll get laid tonight. Seriously, that's the kind of fucking date you have tonight. You'll go, you'll check out that psychic chick, wonder about those two joints and bedding Bella night. And you'll totally bring up doing one of those two... or maybe that redhead, with your girl too. And SHE WILL be into it too. Yeah, that's right. I'm a man and I'm using this shit. BECAUSE IT WORKS! And I'm not too shy to say it. Because you know this shit works too! The future of your dick is on the line here. GO and it will be yours. This is better than the single's bar because there's not 9 sticks per _____. You could arrive at a bar with this. And teenagers, you go with your girl... this might be a good night for you too. You know, you don't have to tell your guy friends you saw it. I'm doing that for ya. So that next time hanging out, that... "Yeah, I've had sex" gleam will be showing. For a guy - that's what this movie can be. For a girl, this film is deeply meaningful in a once in a lifetime kind of way. Use that. Seriously.

Readers Talkback
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  • June 29, 2010, 1:52 a.m. CST


    by RPLocke

    To not see this movie? I mean, come on.

  • June 29, 2010, 1:58 a.m. CST

    Harrys right...

    by MaxPhallus

    Every woman I know laps this crap up. Gimme Inception! Now! Or Harry, please tell us Predators doesn't suck? Of anyone I figured you must have seen it by now...

  • June 29, 2010, 1:59 a.m. CST

    Thanks for the dating advice big guy

    by Human_Bean_Juice_

    It's not just about movies here people.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:01 a.m. CST

    I can not...

    by jebuslovesyou666

    Will not...

  • June 29, 2010, 2:01 a.m. CST

    genius review

    by TheDark0Knight

  • June 29, 2010, 2:04 a.m. CST


    by Bob C. Cock

    this movie is not worth the hand job you might (probably won't) get afterwards from your ugly date.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:05 a.m. CST

    Forget this where are the Predators?!?

    by MaxPhallus

    It opens next week! Can it really be so bad no-ones allowed to see it?

  • June 29, 2010, 2:06 a.m. CST

    Fucking great review.

    by DrGoodspeed

    Informative, and hilarious.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:09 a.m. CST

    Harry is a stone cold PUA


    I know watching cartoons with a girl on you bed works too, no need to go to a movie. But hey... if teens are to your taste... pedo bear is watching.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:14 a.m. CST

    I truly have ZERO idea what any of that was all about

    by BadMrWonka

    seriously, I know I haven't read any of the books or seen any of the films, so I figured it probably wasn't going to make MUCH sense, but holy hell. that might as well have been in Cantonese. <p>does someone fuck a dog and eat a baby in this book? what the fuck? I thought this was young adult fiction...

  • June 29, 2010, 2:15 a.m. CST


    by RPLocke

  • June 29, 2010, 2:20 a.m. CST


    by MaxPhallus

    I've been told you will get baby eating in Breaking Dawn, which has to involve dog fucking if Kirsten Stewarts gonna get pregnant...

  • June 29, 2010, 2:28 a.m. CST

    I have had bowel motions hotter than Kirsten Stewart

    by MaxPhallus

  • June 29, 2010, 2:28 a.m. CST

    Harry just said...

    by Darth Dean

    And if I were a Teenage Girl.... I'd totally be all about that doggy & diamond double dicking!

  • June 29, 2010, 2:30 a.m. CST

    Oh no.

    by Shubniggorath

    I think Harry has finally snapped. I knew there was a reason I never watched these past the first 10 minutes of the first movie. They have driven poor Harry the rest of the way insane.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:32 a.m. CST

    LOL @ Shubniggorath


    You might be onto something there.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:35 a.m. CST

    harry giggles like a girl at every movie

    by RPLocke

    Makes me wonder.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:38 a.m. CST

    Harry is bi-curious! I just re-read the review & it's confirmed.

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    Harry's days of enjoying chocolate covered pussy juice has been replaced by his wanting to lick hairless man-nipples and feel some pyrex dildo penetration. Harry, please delete this whole review and bring back the Blade 2 review like I did a couple weekends back. I'm worried for you. May the pussy juice flow; chocolate, optional.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:38 a.m. CST


    by BadMrWonka what is going on? don't teenagers read this shit?

  • June 29, 2010, 2:38 a.m. CST

    Worst Review Ever!

    by Rocksy

    That is the single most useless thing you've ever spent time typing. I hardly ever comment on here, but i had to say something... try and edit that fucker into something useful a.s.a.p.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:44 a.m. CST

    I'm going...

    by david_boreanez_cunt_hairz

    to get laid!!! Eclipse better not suck too bad.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:46 a.m. CST

    Guillermo better direct something soon, to save Harry's sex driv

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

  • June 29, 2010, 2:49 a.m. CST

    Harry and steroids is like John and Paul

    by ndally

    Or maybe not. All I know is that review is hilarious and Harry seems to be in the zone as of late. But you realize the threesome is the uncool kind right? thats what the twilight chicks would be into. It's Bella and two dudes. Make sure you and Drew don't cross swords

  • June 29, 2010, 2:50 a.m. CST

    Harry thinks Edward is the sexiest tomboy beanpole.

    by Stereotypical Evil Archer

    Sorry dude, I couldn't resist writing that. (much laughter echoes through the apartment halls tonight)

  • June 29, 2010, 2:52 a.m. CST

    Del Toro to another cell phone commercial.

    by RPLocke

  • June 29, 2010, 3:03 a.m. CST

    "Doggy & diamond double dicking..."


    Classic, Harry, classic! That's probably the funniest thing I've ever seen you write. I love the new post-Advil reaction you!

  • June 29, 2010, 3:12 a.m. CST

    Can't do it Big Guy

    by Jaka

    I just can't. I could tolerate the first one. The second one was laughably bad to me. I understand it's romance and melodrama done with vampires and werewolves. But good lord, just, awful. I even thought the acting went downhill. I was genuinely surprised by the people who thought the second one was better. So they're going to have to be part of the cultural landscape that I step around. Because I just can't watch another one. I haven't read the books either (and never will), which I think is a pretty big part of why they have no resonance with me.

  • June 29, 2010, 3:13 a.m. CST

    where the fuck have you been, Harry?!

    by Voltero

    I haven't read a review like this from you in 10 years! this is why i started reading your site, what happened to that cavalier fattitude?

  • June 29, 2010, 3:14 a.m. CST

    Welcome to:

    by GroolDemon

    Menage 101 with Professor Harry Knowles. Ready your peni... Uh... er... I mean pencils for the exam.

  • June 29, 2010, 3:19 a.m. CST

    What the fuck?

    by Daremo

    Harry, what the fuck is wrong with you? This review was border line homo erotic. I think your near death experience has opened up some primal man love doors in your head. Please, work that shit out before you type another review.

  • June 29, 2010, 3:41 a.m. CST

    Teenagers DO read & watch this shit BadMrWonka

    by MaxPhallus

    & so do their Mum's... I'm embarrassed to admit my 13yr old son is a TwiHard, but I TOTALLY blame his mum!

  • June 29, 2010, 3:57 a.m. CST

    Yeah, right...

    by TimStJames

    Na, da musste ich jetzt aber lachen, dass Harry schon sooft in einer Dreiecksbeziehung war! Wer's glaubt... Und so einen Dreck kann auch nur er zusammenschreiben! Jede notgeile, verwichste Jungschwuchtel kann so einen Blödsinn über einen Film zusammenschreiben! Ist ja nicht zum Aushalten was da für ein Bullshit zusammengeschrieben wurde.... Gut, ich glaube sowieso, dass der Film absolut schlecht ist, aber mich regt diese Art von "Berichterstattung" einfach auf, weil es von einem notgeilen Vollidioten geschrieben wird, der nackt vorm PC sitzt und ständig glaubt wie geil er doch nicht ist... Lachhaft, wirklich absolut lachhaft... Wie jetzt?! Versteht keiner was ich meine, oder was?! Auch recht...

  • June 29, 2010, 3:59 a.m. CST

    Histoy will be the Judge

    by ilander66

    I just wonder what kind of post-twilight geek universe will come from this series of films. Look at Geeks now we are the Star Wars (77) Generation, the Lord of the Rings and Matrix generation. those geeks grew up and we have ipods and xboxs and through their geeky love of science. 20 years from now all the Twi-teens and their spawn will be inventing diamond jumpsuits and ways of staring open mouthed and vacant at each other for hours at a time.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:03 a.m. CST

    Are we supposed to Find Bella Attractive?

    by ilander66

    Just wondering. all the Twi-girls go metal for Early years Bowie and Gentle Ben but I don't know anyone (male of female) that finds Bella attractive or at the least not the single most annoying bitch on the planet. WHY do they like her she offers them nothing shes the definition of a cocktease.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:19 a.m. CST

    Harry's Love Triangle Situation:


    HARRY KNOWLES looks at his DVD shelf.<p>STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE DVD BOX: "I love you Harry!"<p>STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH DVD BOX: "I love you too Harry!"<p>HARRY strokes his ginger beard.<p>HARRY: "This is tough. I can't love both of you.... can I?"

  • June 29, 2010, 4:26 a.m. CST

    What the fuck kind of review was this? Are U on Drugs?

    by JonChambers

    Jesus Harry - were you writing about double-dicking or about some porno you just saw? Yep, this is your BEST non-review this year, no doubt about it. NEXT TIME WATCH THE MOVIE INSTEAD OF FEELING YOUR WOODY.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:31 a.m. CST

    Edward, Bella & Jacob TRIPLE DICKING with Harry!

    by JonChambers

    Yeah, now that's something I'd pay to see. And cover my eyes from!!! ARRGGHHH!!!!

  • June 29, 2010, 4:43 a.m. CST

    The horror, the horror...

    by UltimaRex

    Oh, wait...

  • June 29, 2010, 4:43 a.m. CST

    So you did or didnt like the first Twilight?

    by D.Vader

    Because I find it weird you'd say the first one was incomplete, yet you seemed to gush over it quitea bit in your review. Or maybe I'm remembering wrong. <p> Yeah, this review is pretty terrible too.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:46 a.m. CST

    Why don't they just have a fucking threesome...

    by Mr. Pricklepants

    and be done with it. You just know that Bella wants to be DP'ed by Edward and Jacob. She's the biggest fucking cocktease in the world.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:51 a.m. CST

    Harry, you just sound like a huge douche bag

    by IndustryKiller!

    THat's the worst thing I can think to say. It's not that the review is bad, it isn't a review at all, in fact you do everything you can to not review the film. You just sound like a douche bag, plain and simple. There are people here calling you gay, I doubt that, this sounds more like reaching than anything I've seen from you, not an ounce of sincerity in it. I don't think you were intrigued or titillated by a single aspect of this film, actor, or performance in it. It's you just trying to be clever and coming off like a John Mayer style asshole. Good luck turning that corner....bro.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:53 a.m. CST

    And if anyones girlfriend is honestly turned on by Twilight

    by IndustryKiller!

    in a tangible sexual capacity. She's an immature little child. And has a character flaw. Leave her.

  • June 29, 2010, 5:07 a.m. CST



    Unlike the trailer for this. But seriously; get a link on here for the HP trailer, Harry!

  • June 29, 2010, 5:33 a.m. CST

    normally I'm a Harry apoplogist

    by MariusXe

    but not this time. No, Sir. This was by far the worst and dumbest review I have ever read. But then again, Twilight is the worst and dumbest franchise I have ever witnessed, so there might be a conection.

  • June 29, 2010, 5:34 a.m. CST

    apoplogist minus one p

    by MariusXe

    edit button? yes, Sir, that would be a mighty fine idea, Sir.

  • June 29, 2010, 5:45 a.m. CST

    Sheesh Harry, chill, man...

    by JayLenoTookMyJob almost just died. It's clouding your judgment. Instead, you need to be sitting in the middle of a cloud of chiba smoke. Fuckin' Twilight movie "almost good"? Preposterous!

  • June 29, 2010, 6:03 a.m. CST

    That review's not borderline homoerotic. It's full-on gay.

    by JuanSanchez

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • June 29, 2010, 6:26 a.m. CST

    @ the telemarketer

    by koie

    I agree with you. I'd say this is one of Harry's best reviews he's ever had. I honestly would put it up on an Ebert level of quality reading. Quite hilarious.

  • June 29, 2010, 6:27 a.m. CST

    Yeah, But ,No But

    by doidles

    Would totally agree with you Harry if the Director or cinamatogropher or whoever payed more attention to keeping the camera still and not shaking it on every single close up and please focus on you pull backs

  • June 29, 2010, 6:34 a.m. CST

    Harry this was TERRIBLY written

    by D.Vader

    I dont think I should have to reread the same sentence or paragraph 3 or 4 times to derive it's meaning. Do you agree?

  • June 29, 2010, 6:35 a.m. CST


    by doidles

    Would definfinatly help me focus whilst I rub on out in the theatre thinking about Alice and Jasper

  • June 29, 2010, 6:47 a.m. CST


    by D.Vader

    In this case, sorry, but I think you're completely wrong. It's well known that Harry likes Twilight. It's also well known that he hardly ever uses subtext. You're reaching.

  • June 29, 2010, 6:50 a.m. CST

    I've see the trailers for this and guess what...

    by HollywoodHellraiser

    BLADE would kill all these faggy vamps with ease! Seriously NOTHING in the trailers made the vamps seems scary or badass!<p>Just the same 90's vamp shit that nearly ruined the genre, along with Anne Rice's euro-trash vamps!

  • June 29, 2010, 7:03 a.m. CST


    by Err

    Seriously, who the fuck did they pay to say it was a "five star" movie? How do you get to be a critic and declare a Twilight film five stars?

  • June 29, 2010, 7:03 a.m. CST

    Harry's love triangle:

    by RedBull_Werewolf

    Himself a box of donuts and a bean burrito<P>Seriously Harry that is the worst non-review you have ever writen, i think you were trying to be funny but you just came off as being a douche who tries to hard to convince people that he doesn't like Twilight. And didn't you love the first and second films, now you want to make gay jokes and say you only like them because your mail order bride has sex with you after. Well i hate to break it to you but she'd have sex with you anyway because she's afraid if she doesn't you will deport her. It has nothing to do with Twilight

  • June 29, 2010, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Homer Simpson to Harry:

    by Bodacious_Crumb

    "You are gay. Heh heh heh."

  • June 29, 2010, 7:12 a.m. CST

    I'll be there Wednesday night

    by sith_rising

    I hate going to the movies on a weekday but my dumbass wife and sister in law just had to be there. Should be the most action-packed of the movies, though. sucks that they replaced the hot Victoria.

  • June 29, 2010, 7:17 a.m. CST

    who gives a shit, who gives a fuck...

    by quantize

    its little boy porn for little girls who blubber into their pocket books. drivel.

  • June 29, 2010, 7:34 a.m. CST

    "but what he really wants is that hymen"

    by The Penultimate Gunslinger

    A lovely image, Harry.

  • June 29, 2010, 7:35 a.m. CST

    Tween porn?

    by Kentucky Colonel

    Makes me wanna vomit. The End of Days is upon us.

  • June 29, 2010, 7:37 a.m. CST

    Harry's inner screaming teenage girl goes batshit nuts for ECLIP

    by Magnus Greel

    That would have been the proper headline. Harry has all of his Twilight books next to his worn copy of Are you there God, it's me Margaret.

  • June 29, 2010, 7:37 a.m. CST

    "This is absolutely better than WOLVERINE was"

    by The Penultimate Gunslinger

    Whaaaat?? Why are you comparing Twilight to Wolverine? None of this review makes any sense!

  • June 29, 2010, 7:43 a.m. CST


    by Bodacious_Crumb

    Steve Langford has a huge penis.

  • June 29, 2010, 7:56 a.m. CST

    I could do with one or two reviews

    by Bass Ackwards

    That don't bring up Harry's apparent sex life. Though at this point its kind of like talking to the nerdy high school kid who has a girlfriend that totally let him go all the way, but she lives in Canada so we can't meet her. Someday I hope Yoko let's Harry sleep with her, maybe then we'll stop getting Harry's constant attempts at validating himself with the kind of juvenile sex talk that his writing is littered with.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:05 a.m. CST

    Spoiler Alert: Bella really a castrated boy.

    by parissun

    Man Boy Lovers flock to the screening.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:06 a.m. CST

    DOGGY? now with sparkles!

    by eROKv

    kirsten stewart was on letterman last nite and she actually looked good for once and not all emo/skanky. but she's got a wolf/dog at home and i know there was a jar of jif in the background of one of those photos she showed...

  • June 29, 2010, 8:10 a.m. CST

    Crap. What nearly dying does to one...

    by The Chosen

    And to think that everyone dies... Makes me wonder if everyone, when at the end, goes freakingly nuts as Harry. Great review.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:13 a.m. CST

    If she's into Twilight as some epic romance,

    by CreamCheeseAlchemist

    stay away. Are you going to cuddle as Edward bites through Bella's uterus to deliver their legitimate monster baby? And that's not going into how it's the worst, most creepy resolution to a love triangle ever. it's excellent MST fare, the Munsters by way of Cronenberg or Miike. But if you want romance, I'd say a Netflix Fushigi Yugi marathon is better than Twilight.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:15 a.m. CST

    I'm just glad I wasn't Harry's English teacher...


    Because after reading his third or fourth incoherent book report... I would've blown my brains out.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:27 a.m. CST

    Harry's Love Triangles


    That's an image I did not need.<br><br> A very damaged and potentially dangerous woman loves Harry. Harry loves his life-size Real Doll version of Slave Leia. The life-sized Slave Leia loves Wacky Arm Waving Inflatable Tube Man. Hijinks ensue.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:31 a.m. CST

    Getting Laid Because You Go See This Movie


    That doesn't work if you're married to an actual adult woman. If you have kids, and you're married to an actual adult woman, then it really doesn't work. The only things that work are cruises and trips to Cancun, preferably ones that have someone watching the kids the whole time.

  • Your obesity killed your libido a long time ago. Stop trying to sound like a lothario. I wonder how much hipster cock your wife has inhaled while you were sitting in a movie theater giggling at every shitty movie.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:47 a.m. CST

    Fantasitc review

    by tronknotts

    Everyone who has criticised it has come off like a humorless asshole.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:48 a.m. CST

    Ah, fuck off, thetelemarketer

    by TimStJames

    Du bist doch auch nur so ein verklemmter Vollidiot wie die fette Sau, Harry! Verteidigst ihn obwohl er nur notgeilen Blödsinn verzapft und leckst wohl noch an seinen Zehen, weil du es so zu schätzen weißt, was für einen pre-pupertären Schwachsinn die fette Sau verzapft! Gut, das ist jetzt etwas oberflächlich von mir, aber was soll's... Dieses Freak-Ding hab ich doch noch nie richtig kapiert.... Der Film ist schlecht, keine Frage, aber was ihr hier für einen absoluten Mist zusammenschreibt ist ja wohl nur noch zum Himmel schreiend dämlich!

  • June 29, 2010, 8:54 a.m. CST

    Harry's Love Triangle

    by BackyardPillbox

    Pizza vs. Cheeseburgers

  • June 29, 2010, 9:02 a.m. CST

    RPLocke being first in a Twilight talkback

    by MJs_Cold_Dead_Pale_Corpse

    has caused irreparable damage to your AICN reputation.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:05 a.m. CST

    Why compare it to Wolverine?

    by TheFlyingWasp

    Yeah, that film was terrible but you should have spent more time comparing this to the previous Twilight films. And if someone needs a Twilight film to get laid, whether your review is a parody or not, then that's very sad.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:07 a.m. CST

    Love it, Harry.

    by blackwood

    One of your best in a long, long time.<p>I have enjoyed the films -- partly because I'm a gay and there's lots of readable gayness in them, partly because they are straight up terrible camp, hilarious. The second film made it seem like some of the principals were in on the joke -- Dakota and Michael Sheen chief among them. Both Variety and THR gave the film great reviews, suggesting that it's the film in the series that finally 'gets' it. Matinee tomorrow for me and my fag hag.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:13 a.m. CST


    by Big_Daddy_Nero

    Man, it is so freaking funny to see how annoyed the reviewers here get at these movies. They make for rants that are no doubt more entertaining than the movies themselves. Which is fine. I'll probably eventually end up seeing it, as, you know, it's vampire armies fighting against werewolf armies, and we didn't get enough of that in the Underworld movies, now did we?

  • June 29, 2010, 9:18 a.m. CST

    Was it just me....

    by Holeman

    Or did anyone else kind of think Harry was putting more thought into fucking the two twinks in this flick than the women? That's a lot of thought about dick, dude. As for this movie, my girlfriend could tell me she was going to invite her friend over and they were both going to make with the anal and I would still say, "Fuck you, go see it by yourself." Fuck these movies.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:20 a.m. CST

    effeminate classic monsters

    by canvasseamonkey

    the movie

  • June 29, 2010, 9:25 a.m. CST

    Did Harry just admit to being bi?

    by Osiris3657


  • June 29, 2010, 9:25 a.m. CST

    Gay mummy wouldn't work, tele.

    by blackwood

    Dry skin.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:33 a.m. CST

    The review that this movie deserves

    by CarmillaVonDoom

    Harry you sound like you know how to have a good time.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:40 a.m. CST


    by Iahael

    I mean, come on, this is a review? The psycho-sexual creepiness aside, it told us nothing about the actual film,its strengths, or its weaknesses. Now, at the end, maybe its of such low corporate product that it does not deserve a review. But please be clearer next time, and-- Nerds/Fanboys/Geeks trying to act street tough or sexually jaded is so old that it should be relegated to Tarantino threads only. T.'.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:54 a.m. CST

    Stopped reading at "Doggy & Diamond Double Dicking".

    by The Dark Shite

    I've yet to see one of these movies. I probably never will. Unless I have a mid-life crisis, grow a pony tail & get an 18 yr old girlfriend.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:56 a.m. CST

    & the only "love triangle" Harry's been in..

    by The Dark Shite

    is his own mangina.

  • June 29, 2010, 10:07 a.m. CST

    Megan Fox reportedly got hitched in Hawaii

    by AxeEmAll

    Just so that you guys have something more realistic to bash one another with instead of freaking out over how horrible that useless Eclipse movie is.

  • June 29, 2010, 10:17 a.m. CST

    lol that was fucking gold


    usually Harry's hype dont work on me, but damn if I aint all hyped up for some Twilight now amiright? haha

  • June 29, 2010, 10:18 a.m. CST

    telemarketer is giving Harry too much credit

    by CartoonFanboy

    Let me ask you a question. Having read numerous reviews by Harry over the years do you really think that he sat down and cleverly deconstructed this film and disguised his scathing commentary as a review? Because if you do you're as deluded as tweener Twilight fans. Harry isn't that smart, he's just a pervy old man with some unresolved homoerotic tendencies. Stop searching for meaning where there is none.

  • June 29, 2010, 10:48 a.m. CST



    Actually, I did deconstruct and then embedded into sexual metaphor. But that's ok, you can go with your story if you want. I'm a monkey at a keyboard and some thought and consideration was only the random typabaisdfvslkzcx,.mvaa of this monkey.

  • June 29, 2010, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Not even a monkey on a keyboard...

    by TimStJames

    .... könnten so einen Dreck verzapfen wie die fette Sau es schafft! Ist ja wirklich lächerlich... Finde es noch immer bemitleidenswert, dass er sich so ne Kataloghure geholt hat, damit ihn mal irgendwer vögelt! Ich hab jetzt aber nicht erwähnt, dass es mich verwundert hat - neh, ganz im Gegenteil. Vor solche grausigen Penner ist es natürlich die nächst liegende Möglichkeit... Mensch, sind ja wirklich nur Vollspacken hier....

  • June 29, 2010, 11:14 a.m. CST

    This Was The Gayest Review I've Ever Read

    by Raskolnikov_was_framed

    jesus Harry...were you drunk when you wrote this?? talking about cute guys and telling us to go see this after a few beers to try and get laid?? you do realize most twilight fans are fucking 12 right?? sorry but if I'm going to go to prison it's not going to be after seeing twilight...what an uncomfertable read

  • June 29, 2010, 11:25 a.m. CST


    by D.Vader

    Thinking the entire movie is about sex and threesomes isn't really cinematic deconstruction, I'm afraid to say. It says nothing about the film.

  • June 29, 2010, 11:27 a.m. CST

    I take that back Harry

    by D.Vader

    It's cinematic deconstruction, but of a pretty base kind and nowhere near on the same level as what telemarketer was claiming.

  • June 29, 2010, 11:34 a.m. CST

    Thats really true!

    by liljuniorbrown

    Harry,man you talk way too much about your love of "hymens" and pre teen girls. I could give a shit if you're gay/bi or not,but a lot of the shit you including in this review was really fucking weird man. Knowing most of the audience is made up of underage girls and stating that they "wonder what kind of dildo vampire skin feels like" or if they are more into german shepards? Underage girls wanting to fuck dogs? Dude you really need to rethink that I almost died situation cause if there is a hell i'm sure it's full of pedophiles and beastiality nut jobs.

  • June 29, 2010, 11:48 a.m. CST

    Good work, Harry!

    by Kontarsky

    Auf Deutsch? Well, more than Germans know German in this day and age and Google Translator etc exist. Not very secretive, what you're trying to say there... <br>That said, this is one of Harry's best reviews ever. It is so out there, it is nearly surreal. I spent a good 5 minutes laughing out loud at work over it.

  • June 29, 2010, 12:28 p.m. CST

    What kind of fuckin review is this??? Harryy!!

    by loc420

    Come on Harryy, you're killing me. I don't know if I want to see the movie if I come out wanting some Jacob doggy dick shudderrsss

  • June 29, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST

    The future of my dick is certainly NOT on the line

    by Lost Jarv

    over this shit. Seriously, Harry, What the fuck? <P>This isn't my review, but at least it doesn't read like a fucking dear deirdrie letter. <P>

  • June 29, 2010, 12:38 p.m. CST

    I feel like something must be really wrong with me

    by Jaka

    Because the review itself didn't actually bother me at all. Probably something to do with my complete indifference towards the existence of this film.

  • June 29, 2010, 12:39 p.m. CST

    what the fuck..

    by Murkish

    did i just read?

  • June 29, 2010, 12:50 p.m. CST

    I had to double-check

    by Stan Arthur

    Sounded like it was written by Neil Cumpston. Great review, Harry. Like most good daddies, I'll be in a theater tonight at midnight.

  • June 29, 2010, 12:53 p.m. CST

    What just happened here?

    by daggor

    These movies are trash, but Harry gives it a pass because he'd, and I quote: "be down for some double-dicking," ???

  • June 29, 2010, 12:55 p.m. CST

    if this 'movie review' thing doesnt work out for ya, harry

    by Murkish

    you could have a healthy career writing gay twilight fan-fiction

  • June 29, 2010, 12:58 p.m. CST

    Is there a film review somewhere in there?

    by popculturesymphony

    Or just unfunny, sexual obscenity that is usually posted by junior highers in the talkacks? Which is why I usually skip them. Wonder if Yoko thinks your "review" is awesome...

  • June 29, 2010, 1 p.m. CST

    I second johnnyrandom! Well said.

    by popculturesymphony

  • June 29, 2010, 1:03 p.m. CST

    I miss the days when a threesome meant...

    by AsimovLives

    ... one guy and two girls. Threesomes this days are getting gayer.

  • June 29, 2010, 1:40 p.m. CST

    I'm still finding it difficult

    by Kremzeek

    to believe another one of these movies is coming out again so quickly. The quality must be staggering. My GF loves these fucking things and she's going to the midnight show tonight (as she did the last one... which was, what? 2 weeks ago?)... and though I completely get Harry's review for what it is... I'm gonna have to decline. There's no way I'm seeing this. She already knows when a Twilight movie comes out... she's going with her girlfriends - not me.

  • June 29, 2010, 1:40 p.m. CST

    HAHA, awesome Asimov

    by Kremzeek

    Amen to that.

  • June 29, 2010, 1:46 p.m. CST


    by AsimovLives

    They certainly are not trying to go for a THE DARK KNIGHT level of quality, that's for sure.

  • June 29, 2010, 1:56 p.m. CST


    by BurnHollywood

    One word review review.<p> I think the Big Guy's still doped up on antihistamines...

  • June 29, 2010, 2:12 p.m. CST

    Wow..hell of a review Harry.

    by knowthyself

    Destined to go down in AICN history.

  • June 29, 2010, 2:27 p.m. CST

    I don't even think they're going for a

    by Kremzeek

    "Critters 2" quality, let alone Dark Knight. =)

  • June 29, 2010, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Feelin' like Stu after waking up in the trashed villa......

    by BetaRayBill07

    "Um, what's going on?"

  • June 29, 2010, 2:54 p.m. CST

    Are you seriously mentally ill? That's not a fucking review

    by Brody77

    Come on, what the actual fuck. Stop writing idiotic shit about 3somes with Team Jacob or whatever & review the fucking film. Jesus Christ.

  • June 29, 2010, 3:15 p.m. CST

    Harry has chosen the Twink lifestyle and here's why...

    by King Psyz

    No really, just read the review... it's all there. Best of luck Harry, diff'rnt strokes and all...

  • June 29, 2010, 3:31 p.m. CST


    by eROKv

    the damn werewolves arent even werewolves - they just turn into WOLVES. thats bullshit! these movies are a bunch of pre-teen emo garbage! i cant get laid by bringing my lady to this show cuz im not dating a 12 year old! THATS STATUTORY RAPE BRUTHA!!!

  • June 29, 2010, 3:41 p.m. CST

    you've never been in a love triangle

    by mr teaspoon

    C'mon man.

  • June 29, 2010, 3:46 p.m. CST

    Repeat after me: One dick per fantasy.

    by Darth Macchio

    Seriously. Then repeat to a funky beat: TOO many dicks on the dance FLOOR.<p>Strange things are afoot at the CircleK.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:12 p.m. CST

    I can't believe you fucks

    by tronknotts

    ...picking on Harry for this honest, fun, and wholly practical review. Calling it "creepy" and "sexually obscene" is redundant. You guys do know that this is a Twilight movie we're talking about, right? Creepy and obscene come with the territory. Writing style preferences aside, I just can't believe that you really wanted Harry to do a standard review of a Twilight movie. You really wanted him to wiegh the "strengths and weaknesses"? OF A FUCKING TWILIGHT MOVIE?!?! The Twilight movies are pornos; pure and simple. You don't need to do a review of the "strengths of weaknesses" of "Fat ass amatures #194" or "Bang Bus: Jazmin", and you don't need to do a "real" review of a Twilight movie either. With porn, you only need to know one thing; will it get me or my signficant other aroused. Harry spoke to that subject quite clearly in his review, and you should be grateful for that. If that's not enough for you, some other guy who works for the site reviewed the movie two posts down from this one. Read that to find out that (surprise!) Eclipse sort of sucks, but it at least has a few decent fight scenes. The rest of us can bask in the glow that radiates from the comedy gold that Harry has created for us. Thanks again, Harry!

  • June 29, 2010, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Sure you've been in a love triangle relationship Harry,

    by Crosshair386

  • June 29, 2010, 4:50 p.m. CST


    by homerofthesea

    Uh, Harry is a celebrity. He has his own animations. Look up in the upper left-hand corner, man. It doesn’t really matter that he’s fat, not anymore. His website proves that he’s a competent provider. I bet he makes about fifty girls wet every day. You’re telling me a couple of those girls wouldn’t get together and fuck him? That’s probably the sort of attitude that led to your never getting asked to have a threesome.

  • June 29, 2010, 4:51 p.m. CST

    How many women do you make wet every day?

    by homerofthesea

    None, that's how many.

  • June 29, 2010, 5 p.m. CST

    Re: Industrykiller

    by SK229

    Please elaborate... cause I'm right there with you, but I know I'd get a ton of shit for coming up with reasons why the type of adult women who dig this shit are exactly the kind of women to avoid... you go first! Hint: these are the type of women who will marry you, suck your soul out and want you to give up a dream in order to get a house in the suburbs (like prince charming promises all white girls, especially blondes, when they turn 12), their wedding is the most important day in their life (more princess bullshit), oh, and once you get married, you will NEVER HAVE GOOD SEX AGAIN unless you cheat. They'll also put the kids before you until you lose your fucking mind, screw the secretary, and then they'll act like they had no idea anything was wrong (they actually didn't). Something along those lines? Btw, I'm not married to anyone even remotely like this... one of my wife's friends that fits this description gave the first book to her and said, i shit you not, "this book changed my life", then couldn't understand why my wife couldn't get more than 15 pages into it.

  • June 29, 2010, 5:11 p.m. CST

    Harold. Go to Almada and find Asslives.

    by Sal_Bando

    Get a goat. You'll be happier.

  • June 29, 2010, 6:23 p.m. CST

    Twi-Hard chicks are easier than crack whores

    by JeanGrey_X23_lesboSex

    Why spend twenty bucks for a blow job when you can just pop some plastic fangs in and get a BJ for free from a fat 16 year old??? ?

  • June 29, 2010, 6:24 p.m. CST

    Glad you're feeling better, Harry.

    by Biggie Kaiju

    Back to your usual style of review, I see. You are one very strange man. I can never tell if you want to perform oral on teenage girls, take it in the ass from teenage boys, or just want to do bukkake for Eli Roth, Edgar Wright and Quentin Tarantino. You're a weird motherfucker.

  • June 29, 2010, 6:27 p.m. CST

    These movies are for kids too young

    by Nerdgasm

    to know when to tell someone who strings you along to fuck off...and move on. I have to take my wife to these (as well as Sex in the Shitty) because I drag her to actually good movies, and I find this series brings me to the brink of tearing my hair out of my head and punching myself in the's all I can do to just sit there quietly and not start crying. The chick in this movie has NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT SO EVER...NONE. She's a total cock tease and if I were a teenage boy I would have no interest in her at all unless she gave blowjobs upon request, which she doesn't, so why oh why does a vampire who's very old and supposedly infused with the wisdom of age and experience like this fucking chick? It's just totally fucking ludicrous.

  • June 29, 2010, 6:56 p.m. CST


    by Canidate_Micheal

  • June 29, 2010, 7:09 p.m. CST

    But what did Yoko think?

    by hippolyta

    Love the review, sounds like one big clit tease. But I still want to know what Yoko thinks.

  • June 29, 2010, 7:30 p.m. CST


    by jsm1978

    Am I the only one who found that about 97% inchoherent?

  • June 29, 2010, 7:40 p.m. CST


    by Canidate_Micheal

    And I hate acid

  • June 29, 2010, 8:22 p.m. CST

    The first one was cheaper than a Xena episode

    by Quake II

    I was shocked at how CW and cheap Twilight looked. I didn't see the second yet but this series just seems like it's done in a rush. Barely passable acting, shitty CGI and no awesome sets. But with a shirtless Jacob and dull, pasty Edward standing around brooding, who needs anything else? I'll take the Lost Boys, Blade, Underworld or Nosferatu over this tripe any day.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:39 p.m. CST

    Yes, but does this film have ...

    by ganda1f

    ... A frakked up, head-twisting, hate-sex scene?<br><br>Because from now on, all vampire fiction I watch must include one of these.

  • June 29, 2010, 8:51 p.m. CST

    It looks like a TV series

    by RPLocke

    I wonder if these were shot with TV first in mind, but then someone decided to put them in theaters?

  • June 29, 2010, 8:59 p.m. CST


    by Canidate_Micheal

  • June 29, 2010, 9:17 p.m. CST


    by JaPra

    What the FUCK is wrong with you Harry? You are full of utter drivel.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:21 p.m. CST

    Only 1 reason to see this film

    by thelordofhell

    You want to have sex with your date

  • June 29, 2010, 9:22 p.m. CST

    True Blood is the exact same thing

    by RPLocke

  • June 29, 2010, 9:24 p.m. CST

    Harry, I wish you had died.

    by Epsilon

    Also, this review is garbage. But mostly, I just wish you had died.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:28 p.m. CST


    by Strikerrjones

    Fucking review ever. I laughed so hard.

  • June 29, 2010, 9:29 p.m. CST

    RPLLocke ...

    by ganda1f

    .. have you seen any True Blood? Different creature to these Twilight films. For starters, it has a huge sense of humour and knows how ridiculous it is.<br><br>Also, Anna Paquins tits.

  • June 29, 2010, 10 p.m. CST

    Talkbacker hypocrisy in full effect.

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Wow. Half of you couldn't give a fuck about this franchise and the other half blasted AICN for even covering it in the first place. Now, you break Harry's balls over this (dare I say it) strangely appropriate review?!?!<P>Fuck off.

  • June 29, 2010, 10:21 p.m. CST

    Yes, tronknotts...

    by popculturesymphony

    I should have remembered that Harry is the man who wrote the exciting piece on how the cheerleader from Heroes would re-virginize after every time she had sex - and that that was the hottest thing ever. Hmm... every time for her will be like the first.. painful, uncomfortable and bloody mess. Hot. and thoughtful. Yes, thankfully, someone wrote an actual review. I'll skip Harry's pervy rantings from now on.

  • June 29, 2010, 10:41 p.m. CST

    Harry's guide to dating and hooking up

    by andrew coleman

    I like it. I'm seeing Airbender before this but I am seeing this sometime this summer I know I am. I think it's funny that so many guys are so uptight about Twilight. It also disgusts me how some of you post here. I mean some of you seem to really hate the people who run this site, and it's pathetic. A lot of it is just closet jealousy but still just chill out. Maybe you guys should take his advice and go see this movie and try and get laid... Who are we kidding you guys can't get laid.

  • June 29, 2010, 10:42 p.m. CST

    You know...I was going to write a Conspiracy story about Twiligh

    by conspiracy

    But after looking at the subject matter,...breathy, drama queen Mormon girls with a fetish for the sparkly undead and lycanthropes. I figured nothing I could write would be more insipid or ridicules than the real thing and just gave the fuck up. My wife tried reading it...couldn't get through half the first book...I looked at it...and this shit makes Rowling look like fuckin Shakespeare.</p><p>If this is what passes for Teen/young adult literature these days (I know 20-30yr old women into this shit as well) I fear for the future. And trust me...if your pussy wants to see this crap...find some new wool; cuz if she is into have an ass full of drama and issues on the horizon guaranteed.

  • June 29, 2010, 10:51 p.m. CST

    Nerdgasm..This is soft core/romance porn for Mormon girls...

    by conspiracy

    Made to allow them to think that boring, drama queen girls like themselves can get pretty boys to like them even if they don't put out. Hence the insipid, breathless nonstop chatter. The whole series is premised on that lie.

  • June 29, 2010, 11:03 p.m. CST never had a love triangle

    by bubstersaddles

    I call your bluff

  • June 29, 2010, 11:26 p.m. CST


    by Undertainer!/group.php?gid=136662999692610&ref=mf Replace Steve carell with Rib Corddry on the OFFICE Join the page and lets see if we can pull a betty white here.

  • June 29, 2010, 11:32 p.m. CST

    Did Assholemoff just reference THE DARK KNIGHT...

    by p0llk4t a Twilight thread? Seriously dude? You're so beyond gay for that movie and Nolan. You slob his knob every chance you get don't you.

  • June 29, 2010, 11:45 p.m. CST

    "I'd totally do "______" with you... And I'll get laid tonight."

    by TheMovieTruth

    You know this is all nice and everything when you are single and dating but when you are married, do you really want a woman that is like that? Do you honestly think in the long run she will stay faithful to you? If she does....more power to you. But in the long run of things most of these women are not worth having as a wife. Do you really need to bring up a fantasy of another chick to get your wife hot? Seriously. Is she not satisfied with just you? These are the things I would worry about if I was in a marriage and other chicks made my wife hot and wanting sex. Anyway....Eclipse was the best of the three. The acting was much more enjoyable. I saw Eclipse about 2 weeks ago. Tomorrow I see Cyrus and Inception.

  • June 30, 2010, 12:29 a.m. CST

    Triangle my ass.

    by Saluki

    Fatties don't get into triangles, Harry. Why must ye turn your site into a house of lies.

  • June 30, 2010, 12:39 a.m. CST

    fuckin' hilarious

    by frank cotton

  • June 30, 2010, 1:21 a.m. CST

    Further proof that movie critics mean nothing these days

    by RPLocke

    Most think they're above anything that comes out, and others think they're grabbing on to some cool thing and hype it up. Make up your own minds people.

  • June 30, 2010, 3:41 a.m. CST

    Harry is the most Bossed up nerd Here

    by hellbeezy

    I knew instantly after i read this review that so many of you poor boys would hate on it because you dont know how to think like a BOSS. If any one of you thinks dissing on a girl movie is more important than using it to get pussy than knock on the ceiling of your basement bedroom and say goodnight to your mother for me because your a dork in a non-ironic way. Only a full on manly hetero would be so casually homoerotic. Harry is the shit.

  • June 30, 2010, 4:39 a.m. CST

    Love Triangles! Plural!

    by joe90025

    Harry you fail at geometry. The only shape you know is a donut. Photos of these BBWs or it didn't happen.

  • June 30, 2010, 5:51 a.m. CST


    by dgaughan

    ... alive. Just fucking terrible. I can't even make sense of this thing. I think the allergic reaction last week may have been related to this... did you start puffing up after reading some David Foster Wallace? I think you're allergic to COMPLETE SENTENCES.

  • June 30, 2010, 5:53 a.m. CST

    by dgaughan

    Also, Harry, falling in love with a woman who doesn't love you but loves someone else IS NOT A LOVE TRIANGLE. You + milk + cookies is a love triangle.

  • June 30, 2010, 7:25 a.m. CST

    Harry's Homosexual Inner Child...

    by Sponge_Bandit

    ...just found out he's a tranny.

  • June 30, 2010, 7:36 a.m. CST

    Is this.....

    by Sprinky

    an actual review or a page from Harry's diary? :-)

  • June 30, 2010, 9:30 a.m. CST

    start labelling nsfw

    by belledame

    i'd rather be warned before i click, thanks

  • June 30, 2010, 10:16 a.m. CST

    dgaughan...That was some damned funny shit

    by conspiracy

    Milk and cookies indeed.

  • June 30, 2010, 10:51 a.m. CST

    "I'd totally do "______" with you...

    by The Dark Shite

    How about Marmaduke? Would that work? <p> Scooby Doo? <p> A recently decapitated chicken's cock? <p>

  • June 30, 2010, 10:52 a.m. CST

    So the movie was bad? good

    by JustUsNerdsHere

    or was it "_______"?

  • June 30, 2010, 10:52 a.m. CST

    So the movie was bad? good?

    by JustUsNerdsHere

    or was it "_______"?

  • June 30, 2010, 2:31 p.m. CST

    Toy Story 3 will be left in the dust this weekend

    by RPLocke

    Kinda laughing about that one.

  • June 30, 2010, 2:47 p.m. CST

    Pert hard boy nipples

    by ReportAbuse

    There's one for the books. I mean, I'm all for boyish/androgynous flat chested chicks with short hair but Harry takes crypto-homoeroticism a bit too far. I mean, I wouldn't mind a pyrex dildo up my posterior if it were attached to a chick, not a dude. 'Cause that's just ghey.

  • June 30, 2010, 2:58 p.m. CST

    @ Belledame

    by tronknotts

    But it is safe for work. No one is going to get fired for reading bad words on the internet.

  • June 30, 2010, 3:55 p.m. CST


    by Kremzeek

    You usually make some great points. But I can't follow your logic on the whole "TF's are just movies about transforming robots". That's a tired excuse to not follow the source material - which is MUCH, MUCH more than the 80s cartoon. I agree *BAY's* movies are just a bunch of robots beating each other up, but the source material is not.

  • June 30, 2010, 6:57 p.m. CST

    My God

    by SuperUltraNinja

    That was a disgusting "review".

  • June 30, 2010, 7:41 p.m. CST

    WOLVERINE comparison is fucking random

    by Adelai Niska

    Harry should go back and tell us which random shitty movie from last year is not as good as every movie from this year. <p> ""The A Team" was better than "Fast and Furious", but "Toy Story 3" was WAY better than "The Taking of Pelham 123" remake."

  • June 30, 2010, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Thanks, Harry, but...

    by DarthCorleone

    ...the girlfriend and I will be having plenty of satisfying sex without ever seeing the "aphrodisiac" that is Twilight.

  • June 30, 2010, 8:32 p.m. CST

    Blade II review, anyone?

    by PennsyDeux

    That was serious frakked-up shit. This is a contender for top 3 weird reviews from Harry. :)

  • June 30, 2010, 9:49 p.m. CST

    Harry's obviously still on roids here.

    by Harry_Knowles_Here_for_Benadryl

  • June 30, 2010, 11:18 p.m. CST

    hey Harry

    by celebritydave

    did you lose out in the love triangle? my guess is you were inappropriate with a buddies girl friend. or just flat out stalked her. no offence.

  • July 1, 2010, 1:01 a.m. CST

    Remember his Anchorman review from 2004?

    by ReportAbuse

    "It’s not everyday that I walk out of a theater wishing that a God’s seed took bloom inside my ass cavity, so that I could be the one to shit out the spawn of a God to rule our earthly kingdom… But as I watched ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY – that was exactly what I wanted. .... Will Farrell, while not exactly Burgundy did manage to woo women into humping the screen at our theater and leaving Rorschach like blots staining the lower tenth of the screen, whilst us men pinched our nipples at a sudden, inexplicable rush of femininity swept over us in the face of such manliness on-screen." Classic.

  • July 1, 2010, 1:06 a.m. CST

    Ah yes, the glorious Blade II review.

    by ReportAbuse

    Burnt into my cerebral cortex like a bad hit of acid at an Insane Clown Posse concert: "The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Guillermo Del Toro goes down on the audience. ... You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again … You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!"

  • July 1, 2010, 2:49 a.m. CST

    bizarre review, even for harry.

    by RedHorseVector

  • July 1, 2010, 3:46 a.m. CST

    I just don't think...

    by GroolDemon

    That regardless of the supposed "three way" play I could be getting from going to see this flick that I can subject myself into watching two more hours of emo looking asswipes with expressions on their faces implying that someone squeezed out a really wet silent but deadly. That... and the nose soda squirt inducing laughs from seeing that really start to fucking smart after awhile.

  • July 1, 2010, 6:58 a.m. CST


    by Uga

    "That there are actual scenes of Edward driving Bella out in the middle of nowhere, just to hand off to Jacob? Several times."

  • July 1, 2010, 9:02 a.m. CST


    by nathan0774

    Seriously Harry. You have GOT to work on your grammar and spelling. It’s not expected in the talkbacks. But you are the head geek here. Your reviews are so distracting with the poor, poor grammer and ALL THE CUSSING! I mean…who talks like that? “…he can't imagine the teenage girl in him fucking that. Her mother knows. We all fucking know they're all about fucking each other. Edward has this Victorian hang up about no sex before marriage, it is driving Bella's hormones into overdrive. It is the only reason this fucking triangle is going on.” You used the word “fucking” twice in one sentence. Are you not a serious writer/movie critic… like your friend Roger Ebert? Please look to him for examples of good writing.

  • July 1, 2010, 10:54 a.m. CST


    by IEatHippies

    Harry wants your teenagers to have sex. And listen to Jazz. And the Beatles. And smoke pot.

  • July 1, 2010, 10:58 a.m. CST

    Twilight movies are like Elvis movies

    by HarryBlackPotter

    terrible terrible films made only to exploit wet fannies. In the 1960's, Elvis movies made shit loads of dosh but were universally panned, yet the teen puss got wetter and wetter;and wet seats = $$. So Twilight is like an Elvis movie but with worse music.

  • July 1, 2010, 12:20 p.m. CST

    Chris Hansen showed up while I was reading this review

    by lipoboy

    I'm just sayin'...

  • July 1, 2010, 6:08 p.m. CST

    Yep, pretty sure Harry was high for this one.

    by FrecklesBauer

  • July 1, 2010, 6:48 p.m. CST

    Reviews like this are why I come here.

    by Hamish

    I can read the same old boring-ass deconstruction from film school degree-toting wannabes-but-never-weres anywhere I like. This is far more entertaining while still telling me everything that I need to know about this cynical cash-grab exploitation-fest of a "film".

  • July 1, 2010, 10:40 p.m. CST


    by chuckmoose

    ... was that? A review??

  • July 2, 2010, 2:37 a.m. CST

    Best review on this site in years

    by elvenblade

    I almost never log in, but I have to give the man the tip of the hat. I am in awe.

  • July 2, 2010, 11:27 a.m. CST

    This is almost better than the April Fool's of 1997

    by The_Wacokid

    The infamous Kurt Russell as Boba Fett!

  • July 2, 2010, 1:02 p.m. CST

    Holy Shit

    by Bob Dobbs

    WTF?!? I read that twice and I still have no idea what you're talking about Harry. God, that was awful - every time I think you've posted the worst crap I've ever read, you go and prove me wrong. I think I saw something about bestiality and... comparisons to Wolverine? What the fuck?

  • July 2, 2010, 4:28 p.m. CST

    Jacob, Edward, and Bella tent scene was in the book

    by brocknroll

    Hello AICN talkbackers, I actually saw the movie today. The scene that Harry was talking about was in the book. The reason Bella, Jacob and Edward were in the same tent together was so Jacob can help Bella warm her up in the freezing cold. Dogs are warm, get it? The love triangle between Edward and Jacob pretty much ended in the tent, as they did become friends toward the end of the movie so they can fight off Victoria and the Volturi. That is one thing Harry failed to explain in this review. Other than that, I thought "Eclipse" was a pretty decent movie, I liked it. Definitely an improvement and I thought the film had more of a mature feeling since David Slade directed it. In my opinion, the film was way too violent for little tweens. It seems the film was aimed more at adults because the film was rated PG-13 after all.

  • July 2, 2010, 5:09 p.m. CST


    by kstar

    I have no idea if the movie is any good, but it's the best review I have ever read.

  • July 2, 2010, 8:45 p.m. CST


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  • July 3, 2010, 8:58 p.m. CST

    Harry loved the first one

    by Isotherm

  • July 4, 2010, 12:32 p.m. CST

    Review written by Nicolas Cages Bad Lieutenant?

    by Punchbear

    Certainly reads like it.

  • July 4, 2010, 5:32 p.m. CST

    give me a real review

    by nannagud

    ..not just an article about sexual tension in the Twilight series. Or am I just whiny for wanting to rant about bad writing and the steaming mess that is this film?

  • July 4, 2010, 9:09 p.m. CST

    This story is crap

    by corplhicks

    Girl doesn't smile, divorced parents. uh hello?? she's clinically depressed and is interested in a DEAD GUY and a DOG. This is absurd. She's a depressed beyond brooding girl who needs Lexapro and a psychiatrist twice a week. And she needs to find some nice guy who is ALIVE and NOT A DOG and give it up to him and put a smile on that sad puss of hers. Harry please, you need some help.

  • July 5, 2010, 12:37 a.m. CST

    I love this review.

    by the_box_drone

    I've never laughed more while reading an AICN article.

  • July 5, 2010, 10:20 a.m. CST


    by Darth_Von_Stroheim

    Is this a review or a pornographic fanfic??? Some things read can never be unread: I really didn't want to picture Harry as a teenage girl getting double dicked. Chalk up another horrific mental scar for me! :-D

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  • July 6, 2010, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Vampires Suck has some funny bits

    by hatespeech

    it's not great by any means, but it's got some really good gags in it.

  • July 7, 2010, 7:54 a.m. CST

    Just saw New Moon recently. Not gonna see Eclipse.

    by grey_lantern

    Yeah, I'm done with this series. I gave it more than a fair shot, and it failed to deliver.

  • July 7, 2010, 4:43 p.m. CST

    what the fuck

    by thebritisharecoming

    there is no semblance of a movie review in this meandering, indecipherable drivel. i hope you don't think your "sexual metaphor" was clever. it's not even a metaphor. it's sad. no one wants to think about you and your wife having sex, trust me.

  • July 8, 2010, 2:52 a.m. CST

    Do you know women read this site??

    by Cat_Corporation

    And women who don't like bloody Twilight, like me? I read most reviews that are posted on this site and that has to be one of the lamest. Cringeworthy, Harry. Get more Inception reviews on here please, of a better calibre than this rubbish (that's review and film).

  • July 8, 2010, 4:38 a.m. CST


    by Shadow Warrior

    Maybe you're better off just maintaining this site and letting other people do the reviews. This is the WORST "review" I've ever read. Not funny or clever. Also, learn some English. Jesus fucking christ.

  • July 9, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST


    by DarthChiChi

    You… um… liked it? or what?

  • July 9, 2010, 1:13 p.m. CST

    AICN Reviewers Are Amateur Bloggers

    by kenichi tanaka

    If you wanna know why the review is so bad it's because Harry's vocabulary is the same as a 3-year old.<br><br> The fact is that Harry and his so called legion of reviewers are nothing more than amateur bloggers who have no semblence of how to write a real review.<br><br> I don't write reviews for a living but even I have written better reviews than the best review on this site.<br><br> Check it out:<br><br> The problem is that Aint it Cool News are nothing but amateur bloggers and they shouldn't be considered a real review website. You can get better reviews by asking your 3-year old nephew.

  • July 9, 2010, 1:19 p.m. CST

    by kenichi tanaka

    The link I meant to post:

  • July 9, 2010, 1:20 p.m. CST

    by kenichi tanaka

  • July 9, 2010, 1:20 p.m. CST

    by kenichi tanaka

    without the space in the link :p

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  • July 15, 2010, 12:35 p.m. CST

    heh, I'm pretty sure aicn existed

    by punto

    before the word "blog" was invented

  • July 27, 2010, 5:15 p.m. CST

    A genuine apology...


    On behalf of England and Great Britain, I apologise for the existence of Robert Pattinson....also for the existence of Chris Martin and his dire band Coldplay....if there was any justice in this world, Uwe Boll would direct the last part of the Twilight franchise....

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  • Aug. 15, 2010, 5:16 p.m. CST

    Harry knowles fuck all about films

    by ilander66

    And that should be the final word on the subject