June 29, 2010, 1:52 a.m. CST
To not see this movie? I mean, come on.
June 29, 2010, 1:58 a.m. CST
Every woman I know laps this crap up. Gimme Inception! Now! Or Harry, please tell us Predators doesn't suck? Of anyone I figured you must have seen it by now...
June 29, 2010, 1:59 a.m. CST
It's not just about movies here people.
June 29, 2010, 2:01 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 2:01 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 2:04 a.m. CST
by Bob C. Cock
this movie is not worth the hand job you might (probably won't) get afterwards from your ugly date.
June 29, 2010, 2:05 a.m. CST
It opens next week! Can it really be so bad no-ones allowed to see it?
June 29, 2010, 2:06 a.m. CST
Informative, and hilarious.
June 29, 2010, 2:09 a.m. CST
I know watching cartoons with a girl on you bed works too, no need to go to a movie. But hey... if teens are to your taste... pedo bear is watching.
June 29, 2010, 2:14 a.m. CST
seriously, I know I haven't read any of the books or seen any of the films, so I figured it probably wasn't going to make MUCH sense, but holy hell. that might as well have been in Cantonese. <p>does someone fuck a dog and eat a baby in this book? what the fuck? I thought this was young adult fiction...
June 29, 2010, 2:15 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 2:20 a.m. CST
I've been told you will get baby eating in Breaking Dawn, which has to involve dog fucking if Kirsten Stewarts gonna get pregnant...
June 29, 2010, 2:28 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 2:28 a.m. CST
by Darth Dean
And if I were a Teenage Girl.... I'd totally be all about that doggy & diamond double dicking!
June 29, 2010, 2:30 a.m. CST
I think Harry has finally snapped. I knew there was a reason I never watched these past the first 10 minutes of the first movie. They have driven poor Harry the rest of the way insane.
June 29, 2010, 2:32 a.m. CST
You might be onto something there.
June 29, 2010, 2:35 a.m. CST
Makes me wonder.
June 29, 2010, 2:38 a.m. CST
by Stereotypical Evil Archer
Harry's days of enjoying chocolate covered pussy juice has been replaced by his wanting to lick hairless man-nipples and feel some pyrex dildo penetration. Harry, please delete this whole review and bring back the Blade 2 review like I did a couple weekends back. I'm worried for you. May the pussy juice flow; chocolate, optional.
June 29, 2010, 2:38 a.m. CST
I...I...um...fucking what is going on? don't teenagers read this shit?
June 29, 2010, 2:38 a.m. CST
That is the single most useless thing you've ever spent time typing. I hardly ever comment on here, but i had to say something... try and edit that fucker into something useful a.s.a.p.
June 29, 2010, 2:44 a.m. CST
to get laid!!! Eclipse better not suck too bad.
June 29, 2010, 2:46 a.m. CST
by Stereotypical Evil Archer
June 29, 2010, 2:49 a.m. CST
Or maybe not. All I know is that review is hilarious and Harry seems to be in the zone as of late. But you realize the threesome is the uncool kind right? thats what the twilight chicks would be into. It's Bella and two dudes. Make sure you and Drew don't cross swords
June 29, 2010, 2:50 a.m. CST
by Stereotypical Evil Archer
Sorry dude, I couldn't resist writing that. (much laughter echoes through the apartment halls tonight)
June 29, 2010, 2:52 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 3:03 a.m. CST
Classic, Harry, classic! That's probably the funniest thing I've ever seen you write. I love the new post-Advil reaction you!
June 29, 2010, 3:12 a.m. CST
I just can't. I could tolerate the first one. The second one was laughably bad to me. I understand it's romance and melodrama done with vampires and werewolves. But good lord, just, awful. I even thought the acting went downhill. I was genuinely surprised by the people who thought the second one was better. So they're going to have to be part of the cultural landscape that I step around. Because I just can't watch another one. I haven't read the books either (and never will), which I think is a pretty big part of why they have no resonance with me.
June 29, 2010, 3:13 a.m. CST
I haven't read a review like this from you in 10 years! this is why i started reading your site, what happened to that cavalier fattitude?
June 29, 2010, 3:14 a.m. CST
Menage 101 with Professor Harry Knowles. Ready your peni... Uh... er... I mean pencils for the exam.
June 29, 2010, 3:19 a.m. CST
Harry, what the fuck is wrong with you? This review was border line homo erotic. I think your near death experience has opened up some primal man love doors in your head. Please, work that shit out before you type another review.
June 29, 2010, 3:41 a.m. CST
& so do their Mum's... I'm embarrassed to admit my 13yr old son is a TwiHard, but I TOTALLY blame his mum!
June 29, 2010, 3:57 a.m. CST
Na, da musste ich jetzt aber lachen, dass Harry schon sooft in einer Dreiecksbeziehung war! Wer's glaubt... Und so einen Dreck kann auch nur er zusammenschreiben! Jede notgeile, verwichste Jungschwuchtel kann so einen Blödsinn über einen Film zusammenschreiben! Ist ja nicht zum Aushalten was da für ein Bullshit zusammengeschrieben wurde.... Gut, ich glaube sowieso, dass der Film absolut schlecht ist, aber mich regt diese Art von "Berichterstattung" einfach auf, weil es von einem notgeilen Vollidioten geschrieben wird, der nackt vorm PC sitzt und ständig glaubt wie geil er doch nicht ist... Lachhaft, wirklich absolut lachhaft... Wie jetzt?! Versteht keiner was ich meine, oder was?! Auch recht...
June 29, 2010, 3:59 a.m. CST
I just wonder what kind of post-twilight geek universe will come from this series of films. Look at Geeks now we are the Star Wars (77) Generation, the Lord of the Rings and Matrix generation. those geeks grew up and we have ipods and xboxs and through their geeky love of science. 20 years from now all the Twi-teens and their spawn will be inventing diamond jumpsuits and ways of staring open mouthed and vacant at each other for hours at a time.
June 29, 2010, 4:03 a.m. CST
Just wondering. all the Twi-girls go metal for Early years Bowie and Gentle Ben but I don't know anyone (male of female) that finds Bella attractive or at the least not the single most annoying bitch on the planet. WHY do they like her she offers them nothing shes the definition of a cocktease.
June 29, 2010, 4:19 a.m. CST
HARRY KNOWLES looks at his DVD shelf.<p>STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE DVD BOX: "I love you Harry!"<p>STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH DVD BOX: "I love you too Harry!"<p>HARRY strokes his ginger beard.<p>HARRY: "This is tough. I can't love both of you.... can I?"
June 29, 2010, 4:26 a.m. CST
Jesus Harry - were you writing about double-dicking or about some porno you just saw? Yep, this is your BEST non-review this year, no doubt about it. NEXT TIME WATCH THE MOVIE INSTEAD OF FEELING YOUR WOODY.
June 29, 2010, 4:31 a.m. CST
Yeah, now that's something I'd pay to see. And cover my eyes from!!! ARRGGHHH!!!!
June 29, 2010, 4:43 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 4:43 a.m. CST
Because I find it weird you'd say the first one was incomplete, yet you seemed to gush over it quitea bit in your review. Or maybe I'm remembering wrong. <p> Yeah, this review is pretty terrible too.
June 29, 2010, 4:46 a.m. CST
by Mr. Pricklepants
and be done with it. You just know that Bella wants to be DP'ed by Edward and Jacob. She's the biggest fucking cocktease in the world.
June 29, 2010, 4:51 a.m. CST
THat's the worst thing I can think to say. It's not that the review is bad, it isn't a review at all, in fact you do everything you can to not review the film. You just sound like a douche bag, plain and simple. There are people here calling you gay, I doubt that, this sounds more like reaching than anything I've seen from you, not an ounce of sincerity in it. I don't think you were intrigued or titillated by a single aspect of this film, actor, or performance in it. It's you just trying to be clever and coming off like a John Mayer style asshole. Good luck turning that corner....bro.
June 29, 2010, 4:53 a.m. CST
in a tangible sexual capacity. She's an immature little child. And has a character flaw. Leave her.
June 29, 2010, 5:07 a.m. CST
Unlike the trailer for this. But seriously; get a link on here for the HP trailer, Harry!
June 29, 2010, 5:33 a.m. CST
but not this time. No, Sir. This was by far the worst and dumbest review I have ever read. But then again, Twilight is the worst and dumbest franchise I have ever witnessed, so there might be a conection.
June 29, 2010, 5:34 a.m. CST
edit button? yes, Sir, that would be a mighty fine idea, Sir.
June 29, 2010, 5:45 a.m. CST
...you almost just died. It's clouding your judgment. Instead, you need to be sitting in the middle of a cloud of chiba smoke. Fuckin' Twilight movie "almost good"? Preposterous!
June 29, 2010, 6:03 a.m. CST
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
June 29, 2010, 6:26 a.m. CST
I agree with you. I'd say this is one of Harry's best reviews he's ever had. I honestly would put it up on an Ebert level of quality reading. Quite hilarious.
June 29, 2010, 6:27 a.m. CST
Would totally agree with you Harry if the Director or cinamatogropher or whoever payed more attention to keeping the camera still and not shaking it on every single close up and please focus on you pull backs
June 29, 2010, 6:34 a.m. CST
I dont think I should have to reread the same sentence or paragraph 3 or 4 times to derive it's meaning. Do you agree?
June 29, 2010, 6:35 a.m. CST
Would definfinatly help me focus whilst I rub on out in the theatre thinking about Alice and Jasper
June 29, 2010, 6:47 a.m. CST
In this case, sorry, but I think you're completely wrong. It's well known that Harry likes Twilight. It's also well known that he hardly ever uses subtext. You're reaching.
June 29, 2010, 6:50 a.m. CST
BLADE would kill all these faggy vamps with ease! Seriously NOTHING in the trailers made the vamps seems scary or badass!<p>Just the same 90's vamp shit that nearly ruined the genre, along with Anne Rice's euro-trash vamps!
June 29, 2010, 7:03 a.m. CST
Seriously, who the fuck did they pay to say it was a "five star" movie? How do you get to be a critic and declare a Twilight film five stars?
June 29, 2010, 7:03 a.m. CST
Himself a box of donuts and a bean burrito<P>Seriously Harry that is the worst non-review you have ever writen, i think you were trying to be funny but you just came off as being a douche who tries to hard to convince people that he doesn't like Twilight. And didn't you love the first and second films, now you want to make gay jokes and say you only like them because your mail order bride has sex with you after. Well i hate to break it to you but she'd have sex with you anyway because she's afraid if she doesn't you will deport her. It has nothing to do with Twilight
June 29, 2010, 7:08 a.m. CST
"You are gay. Heh heh heh."
June 29, 2010, 7:12 a.m. CST
I hate going to the movies on a weekday but my dumbass wife and sister in law just had to be there. Should be the most action-packed of the movies, though. sucks that they replaced the hot Victoria.
June 29, 2010, 7:17 a.m. CST
its little boy porn for little girls who blubber into their pocket books. drivel.
June 29, 2010, 7:34 a.m. CST
by The Penultimate Gunslinger
A lovely image, Harry.
June 29, 2010, 7:35 a.m. CST
by Kentucky Colonel
Makes me wanna vomit. The End of Days is upon us.
June 29, 2010, 7:37 a.m. CST
by Magnus Greel
That would have been the proper headline. Harry has all of his Twilight books next to his worn copy of Are you there God, it's me Margaret.
June 29, 2010, 7:37 a.m. CST
by The Penultimate Gunslinger
Whaaaat?? Why are you comparing Twilight to Wolverine? None of this review makes any sense!
June 29, 2010, 7:43 a.m. CST
Steve Langford has a huge penis.
June 29, 2010, 7:56 a.m. CST
by Bass Ackwards
That don't bring up Harry's apparent sex life. Though at this point its kind of like talking to the nerdy high school kid who has a girlfriend that totally let him go all the way, but she lives in Canada so we can't meet her. Someday I hope Yoko let's Harry sleep with her, maybe then we'll stop getting Harry's constant attempts at validating himself with the kind of juvenile sex talk that his writing is littered with.
June 29, 2010, 8:05 a.m. CST
Man Boy Lovers flock to the screening.
June 29, 2010, 8:06 a.m. CST
kirsten stewart was on letterman last nite and she actually looked good for once and not all emo/skanky. but she's got a wolf/dog at home and i know there was a jar of jif in the background of one of those photos she showed...
June 29, 2010, 8:10 a.m. CST
by The Chosen
And to think that everyone dies... Makes me wonder if everyone, when at the end, goes freakingly nuts as Harry. Great review.
June 29, 2010, 8:13 a.m. CST
stay away. Are you going to cuddle as Edward bites through Bella's uterus to deliver their legitimate monster baby? And that's not going into how it's the worst, most creepy resolution to a love triangle ever. it's excellent MST fare, the Munsters by way of Cronenberg or Miike. But if you want romance, I'd say a Netflix Fushigi Yugi marathon is better than Twilight.
June 29, 2010, 8:15 a.m. CST
Because after reading his third or fourth incoherent book report... I would've blown my brains out.
June 29, 2010, 8:27 a.m. CST
That's an image I did not need.<br><br> A very damaged and potentially dangerous woman loves Harry. Harry loves his life-size Real Doll version of Slave Leia. The life-sized Slave Leia loves Wacky Arm Waving Inflatable Tube Man. Hijinks ensue.
June 29, 2010, 8:31 a.m. CST
That doesn't work if you're married to an actual adult woman. If you have kids, and you're married to an actual adult woman, then it really doesn't work. The only things that work are cruises and trips to Cancun, preferably ones that have someone watching the kids the whole time.
June 29, 2010, 8:46 a.m. CST
Your obesity killed your libido a long time ago. Stop trying to sound like a lothario. I wonder how much hipster cock your wife has inhaled while you were sitting in a movie theater giggling at every shitty movie.
June 29, 2010, 8:47 a.m. CST
Everyone who has criticised it has come off like a humorless asshole.
June 29, 2010, 8:48 a.m. CST
Du bist doch auch nur so ein verklemmter Vollidiot wie die fette Sau, Harry! Verteidigst ihn obwohl er nur notgeilen Blödsinn verzapft und leckst wohl noch an seinen Zehen, weil du es so zu schätzen weißt, was für einen pre-pupertären Schwachsinn die fette Sau verzapft! Gut, das ist jetzt etwas oberflächlich von mir, aber was soll's... Dieses Freak-Ding hab ich doch noch nie richtig kapiert.... Der Film ist schlecht, keine Frage, aber was ihr hier für einen absoluten Mist zusammenschreibt ist ja wohl nur noch zum Himmel schreiend dämlich!
June 29, 2010, 8:54 a.m. CST
Pizza vs. Cheeseburgers
June 29, 2010, 9:02 a.m. CST
has caused irreparable damage to your AICN reputation.
June 29, 2010, 9:05 a.m. CST
Yeah, that film was terrible but you should have spent more time comparing this to the previous Twilight films. And if someone needs a Twilight film to get laid, whether your review is a parody or not, then that's very sad.
June 29, 2010, 9:07 a.m. CST
One of your best in a long, long time.<p>I have enjoyed the films -- partly because I'm a gay and there's lots of readable gayness in them, partly because they are straight up terrible camp, hilarious. The second film made it seem like some of the principals were in on the joke -- Dakota and Michael Sheen chief among them. Both Variety and THR gave the film great reviews, suggesting that it's the film in the series that finally 'gets' it. Matinee tomorrow for me and my fag hag.
June 29, 2010, 9:13 a.m. CST
Man, it is so freaking funny to see how annoyed the reviewers here get at these movies. They make for rants that are no doubt more entertaining than the movies themselves. Which is fine. I'll probably eventually end up seeing it, as, you know, it's vampire armies fighting against werewolf armies, and we didn't get enough of that in the Underworld movies, now did we?
June 29, 2010, 9:18 a.m. CST
Or did anyone else kind of think Harry was putting more thought into fucking the two twinks in this flick than the women? That's a lot of thought about dick, dude. As for this movie, my girlfriend could tell me she was going to invite her friend over and they were both going to make with the anal and I would still say, "Fuck you, go see it by yourself." Fuck these movies.
June 29, 2010, 9:20 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 9:25 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 9:25 a.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 9:33 a.m. CST
Harry you sound like you know how to have a good time.
June 29, 2010, 9:40 a.m. CST
I mean, come on, this is a review? The psycho-sexual creepiness aside, it told us nothing about the actual film,its strengths, or its weaknesses. Now, at the end, maybe its of such low corporate product that it does not deserve a review. But please be clearer next time, and-- Nerds/Fanboys/Geeks trying to act street tough or sexually jaded is so old that it should be relegated to Tarantino threads only. T.'.
June 29, 2010, 9:54 a.m. CST
by The Dark Shite
I've yet to see one of these movies. I probably never will. Unless I have a mid-life crisis, grow a pony tail & get an 18 yr old girlfriend.
June 29, 2010, 9:56 a.m. CST
by The Dark Shite
is his own mangina.
June 29, 2010, 10:07 a.m. CST
Just so that you guys have something more realistic to bash one another with instead of freaking out over how horrible that useless Eclipse movie is.
June 29, 2010, 10:17 a.m. CST
usually Harry's hype dont work on me, but damn if I aint all hyped up for some Twilight now amiright? haha
June 29, 2010, 10:18 a.m. CST
Let me ask you a question. Having read numerous reviews by Harry over the years do you really think that he sat down and cleverly deconstructed this film and disguised his scathing commentary as a review? Because if you do you're as deluded as tweener Twilight fans. Harry isn't that smart, he's just a pervy old man with some unresolved homoerotic tendencies. Stop searching for meaning where there is none.
June 29, 2010, 10:48 a.m. CST
Actually, I did deconstruct and then embedded into sexual metaphor. But that's ok, you can go with your story if you want. I'm a monkey at a keyboard and some thought and consideration was only the random typabaisdfvslkzcx,.mvaa of this monkey.
June 29, 2010, 11:02 a.m. CST
.... könnten so einen Dreck verzapfen wie die fette Sau es schafft! Ist ja wirklich lächerlich... Finde es noch immer bemitleidenswert, dass er sich so ne Kataloghure geholt hat, damit ihn mal irgendwer vögelt! Ich hab jetzt aber nicht erwähnt, dass es mich verwundert hat - neh, ganz im Gegenteil. Vor solche grausigen Penner ist es natürlich die nächst liegende Möglichkeit... Mensch, sind ja wirklich nur Vollspacken hier....
June 29, 2010, 11:14 a.m. CST
jesus Harry...were you drunk when you wrote this?? talking about cute guys and telling us to go see this after a few beers to try and get laid?? you do realize most twilight fans are fucking 12 right?? sorry but if I'm going to go to prison it's not going to be after seeing twilight...what an uncomfertable read
June 29, 2010, 11:25 a.m. CST
Thinking the entire movie is about sex and threesomes isn't really cinematic deconstruction, I'm afraid to say. It says nothing about the film.
June 29, 2010, 11:27 a.m. CST
It's cinematic deconstruction, but of a pretty base kind and nowhere near on the same level as what telemarketer was claiming.
June 29, 2010, 11:34 a.m. CST
Harry,man you talk way too much about your love of "hymens" and pre teen girls. I could give a shit if you're gay/bi or not,but a lot of the shit you including in this review was really fucking weird man. Knowing most of the audience is made up of underage girls and stating that they "wonder what kind of dildo vampire skin feels like" or if they are more into german shepards? Underage girls wanting to fuck dogs? Dude you really need to rethink that I almost died situation cause if there is a hell i'm sure it's full of pedophiles and beastiality nut jobs.
June 29, 2010, 11:48 a.m. CST
Auf Deutsch? Well, more than Germans know German in this day and age and Google Translator etc exist. Not very secretive, what you're trying to say there... <br>That said, this is one of Harry's best reviews ever. It is so out there, it is nearly surreal. I spent a good 5 minutes laughing out loud at work over it.
June 29, 2010, 12:28 p.m. CST
Come on Harryy, you're killing me. I don't know if I want to see the movie if I come out wanting some Jacob doggy dick shudderrsss
June 29, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST
by Lost Jarv
over this shit. Seriously, Harry, What the fuck? <P>This isn't my review, but at least it doesn't read like a fucking dear deirdrie letter. <P>http://tinyurl.com/3ao45ty
June 29, 2010, 12:38 p.m. CST
Because the review itself didn't actually bother me at all. Probably something to do with my complete indifference towards the existence of this film.
June 29, 2010, 12:39 p.m. CST
did i just read?
June 29, 2010, 12:50 p.m. CST
by Stan Arthur
Sounded like it was written by Neil Cumpston. Great review, Harry. Like most good daddies, I'll be in a theater tonight at midnight.
June 29, 2010, 12:53 p.m. CST
These movies are trash, but Harry gives it a pass because he'd, and I quote: "be down for some double-dicking," ???
June 29, 2010, 12:55 p.m. CST
you could have a healthy career writing gay twilight fan-fiction
June 29, 2010, 12:58 p.m. CST
Or just unfunny, sexual obscenity that is usually posted by junior highers in the talkacks? Which is why I usually skip them. Wonder if Yoko thinks your "review" is awesome...
June 29, 2010, 1 p.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 1:03 p.m. CST
... one guy and two girls. Threesomes this days are getting gayer.
June 29, 2010, 1:40 p.m. CST
to believe another one of these movies is coming out again so quickly. The quality must be staggering. My GF loves these fucking things and she's going to the midnight show tonight (as she did the last one... which was, what? 2 weeks ago?)... and though I completely get Harry's review for what it is... I'm gonna have to decline. There's no way I'm seeing this. She already knows when a Twilight movie comes out... she's going with her girlfriends - not me.
June 29, 2010, 1:40 p.m. CST
Amen to that.
June 29, 2010, 1:46 p.m. CST
They certainly are not trying to go for a THE DARK KNIGHT level of quality, that's for sure.
June 29, 2010, 1:56 p.m. CST
One word review review.<p> I think the Big Guy's still doped up on antihistamines...
June 29, 2010, 2:12 p.m. CST
Destined to go down in AICN history.
June 29, 2010, 2:27 p.m. CST
"Critters 2" quality, let alone Dark Knight. =)
June 29, 2010, 2:50 p.m. CST
"Um, what's going on?"
June 29, 2010, 2:54 p.m. CST
Come on, what the actual fuck. Stop writing idiotic shit about 3somes with Team Jacob or whatever & review the fucking film. Jesus Christ.
June 29, 2010, 3:15 p.m. CST
by King Psyz
No really, just read the review... it's all there. Best of luck Harry, diff'rnt strokes and all...
June 29, 2010, 3:31 p.m. CST
the damn werewolves arent even werewolves - they just turn into WOLVES. thats bullshit! these movies are a bunch of pre-teen emo garbage! i cant get laid by bringing my lady to this show cuz im not dating a 12 year old! THATS STATUTORY RAPE BRUTHA!!!
June 29, 2010, 3:41 p.m. CST
by mr teaspoon
June 29, 2010, 3:46 p.m. CST
by Darth Macchio
Seriously. Then repeat to a funky beat: TOO many dicks on the dance FLOOR.<p>Strange things are afoot at the CircleK.
June 29, 2010, 4:12 p.m. CST
...picking on Harry for this honest, fun, and wholly practical review. Calling it "creepy" and "sexually obscene" is redundant. You guys do know that this is a Twilight movie we're talking about, right? Creepy and obscene come with the territory. Writing style preferences aside, I just can't believe that you really wanted Harry to do a standard review of a Twilight movie. You really wanted him to wiegh the "strengths and weaknesses"? OF A FUCKING TWILIGHT MOVIE?!?! The Twilight movies are pornos; pure and simple. You don't need to do a review of the "strengths of weaknesses" of "Fat ass amatures #194" or "Bang Bus: Jazmin", and you don't need to do a "real" review of a Twilight movie either. With porn, you only need to know one thing; will it get me or my signficant other aroused. Harry spoke to that subject quite clearly in his review, and you should be grateful for that. If that's not enough for you, some other guy who works for the site reviewed the movie two posts down from this one. Read that to find out that (surprise!) Eclipse sort of sucks, but it at least has a few decent fight scenes. The rest of us can bask in the glow that radiates from the comedy gold that Harry has created for us. Thanks again, Harry!
June 29, 2010, 4:20 p.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 4:50 p.m. CST
Uh, Harry is a celebrity. He has his own animations. Look up in the upper left-hand corner, man. It doesn’t really matter that he’s fat, not anymore. His website proves that he’s a competent provider. I bet he makes about fifty girls wet every day. You’re telling me a couple of those girls wouldn’t get together and fuck him? That’s probably the sort of attitude that led to your never getting asked to have a threesome.
June 29, 2010, 4:51 p.m. CST
None, that's how many.
June 29, 2010, 5 p.m. CST
Please elaborate... cause I'm right there with you, but I know I'd get a ton of shit for coming up with reasons why the type of adult women who dig this shit are exactly the kind of women to avoid... you go first! Hint: these are the type of women who will marry you, suck your soul out and want you to give up a dream in order to get a house in the suburbs (like prince charming promises all white girls, especially blondes, when they turn 12), their wedding is the most important day in their life (more princess bullshit), oh, and once you get married, you will NEVER HAVE GOOD SEX AGAIN unless you cheat. They'll also put the kids before you until you lose your fucking mind, screw the secretary, and then they'll act like they had no idea anything was wrong (they actually didn't). Something along those lines? Btw, I'm not married to anyone even remotely like this... one of my wife's friends that fits this description gave the first book to her and said, i shit you not, "this book changed my life", then couldn't understand why my wife couldn't get more than 15 pages into it.
June 29, 2010, 5:11 p.m. CST
Get a goat. You'll be happier.
June 29, 2010, 6:23 p.m. CST
Why spend twenty bucks for a blow job when you can just pop some plastic fangs in and get a BJ for free from a fat 16 year old??? ? http://tinyurl.com/yf9jboc
June 29, 2010, 6:24 p.m. CST
by Biggie Kaiju
Back to your usual style of review, I see. You are one very strange man. I can never tell if you want to perform oral on teenage girls, take it in the ass from teenage boys, or just want to do bukkake for Eli Roth, Edgar Wright and Quentin Tarantino. You're a weird motherfucker.
June 29, 2010, 6:27 p.m. CST
to know when to tell someone who strings you along to fuck off...and move on. I have to take my wife to these (as well as Sex in the Shitty) because I drag her to actually good movies, and I find this series brings me to the brink of tearing my hair out of my head and punching myself in the face...it's all I can do to just sit there quietly and not start crying. The chick in this movie has NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT SO EVER...NONE. She's a total cock tease and if I were a teenage boy I would have no interest in her at all unless she gave blowjobs upon request, which she doesn't, so why oh why does a vampire who's very old and supposedly infused with the wisdom of age and experience like this fucking chick? It's just totally fucking ludicrous.
June 29, 2010, 6:56 p.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 7:09 p.m. CST
Love the review, sounds like one big clit tease. But I still want to know what Yoko thinks.
June 29, 2010, 7:30 p.m. CST
Am I the only one who found that about 97% inchoherent?
June 29, 2010, 7:40 p.m. CST
And I hate acid
June 29, 2010, 8:22 p.m. CST
by Quake II
I was shocked at how CW and cheap Twilight looked. I didn't see the second yet but this series just seems like it's done in a rush. Barely passable acting, shitty CGI and no awesome sets. But with a shirtless Jacob and dull, pasty Edward standing around brooding, who needs anything else? I'll take the Lost Boys, Blade, Underworld or Nosferatu over this tripe any day.
June 29, 2010, 8:39 p.m. CST
... A frakked up, head-twisting, hate-sex scene?<br><br>Because from now on, all vampire fiction I watch must include one of these.
June 29, 2010, 8:51 p.m. CST
I wonder if these were shot with TV first in mind, but then someone decided to put them in theaters?
June 29, 2010, 8:59 p.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 9:17 p.m. CST
What the FUCK is wrong with you Harry? You are full of utter drivel.
June 29, 2010, 9:21 p.m. CST
You want to have sex with your date
June 29, 2010, 9:22 p.m. CST
June 29, 2010, 9:24 p.m. CST
Also, this review is garbage. But mostly, I just wish you had died.
June 29, 2010, 9:28 p.m. CST
Fucking review ever. I laughed so hard.
June 29, 2010, 9:29 p.m. CST
.. have you seen any True Blood? Different creature to these Twilight films. For starters, it has a huge sense of humour and knows how ridiculous it is.<br><br>Also, Anna Paquins tits.
June 29, 2010, 10 p.m. CST
by Mr. Nice Gaius
Wow. Half of you couldn't give a fuck about this franchise and the other half blasted AICN for even covering it in the first place. Now, you break Harry's balls over this (dare I say it) strangely appropriate review?!?!<P>Fuck off.
June 29, 2010, 10:21 p.m. CST
I should have remembered that Harry is the man who wrote the exciting piece on how the cheerleader from Heroes would re-virginize after every time she had sex - and that that was the hottest thing ever. Hmm... every time for her will be like the first.. painful, uncomfortable and bloody mess. Hot. and thoughtful. Yes, thankfully, someone wrote an actual review. I'll skip Harry's pervy rantings from now on.
June 29, 2010, 10:41 p.m. CST
by andrew coleman
I like it. I'm seeing Airbender before this but I am seeing this sometime this summer I know I am. I think it's funny that so many guys are so uptight about Twilight. It also disgusts me how some of you post here. I mean some of you seem to really hate the people who run this site, and it's pathetic. A lot of it is just closet jealousy but still just chill out. Maybe you guys should take his advice and go see this movie and try and get laid... Who are we kidding you guys can't get laid.
June 29, 2010, 10:42 p.m. CST
But after looking at the subject matter,...breathy, drama queen Mormon girls with a fetish for the sparkly undead and lycanthropes. I figured nothing I could write would be more insipid or ridicules than the real thing and just gave the fuck up. My wife tried reading it...couldn't get through half the first book...I looked at it...and this shit makes Rowling look like fuckin Shakespeare.</p><p>If this is what passes for Teen/young adult literature these days (I know 20-30yr old women into this shit as well) I fear for the future. And trust me...if your pussy wants to see this crap...find some new wool; cuz if she is into this...you have an ass full of drama and issues on the horizon guaranteed.
June 29, 2010, 10:51 p.m. CST
Made to allow them to think that boring, drama queen girls like themselves can get pretty boys to like them even if they don't put out. Hence the insipid, breathless nonstop chatter. The whole series is premised on that lie.
June 29, 2010, 11:03 p.m. CST
I call your bluff
June 29, 2010, 11:26 p.m. CST
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/group.php?gid=136662999692610&ref=mf Replace Steve carell with Rib Corddry on the OFFICE Join the page and lets see if we can pull a betty white here.
June 29, 2010, 11:32 p.m. CST
...in a Twilight thread? Seriously dude? You're so beyond gay for that movie and Nolan. You slob his knob every chance you get don't you.
June 29, 2010, 11:45 p.m. CST
You know this is all nice and everything when you are single and dating but when you are married, do you really want a woman that is like that? Do you honestly think in the long run she will stay faithful to you? If she does....more power to you. But in the long run of things most of these women are not worth having as a wife. Do you really need to bring up a fantasy of another chick to get your wife hot? Seriously. Is she not satisfied with just you? These are the things I would worry about if I was in a marriage and other chicks made my wife hot and wanting sex. Anyway....Eclipse was the best of the three. The acting was much more enjoyable. I saw Eclipse about 2 weeks ago. Tomorrow I see Cyrus and Inception.
June 30, 2010, 12:29 a.m. CST
Fatties don't get into triangles, Harry. Why must ye turn your site into a house of lies.
June 30, 2010, 12:39 a.m. CST
by frank cotton
June 30, 2010, 1:21 a.m. CST
Most think they're above anything that comes out, and others think they're grabbing on to some cool thing and hype it up. Make up your own minds people.
June 30, 2010, 3:41 a.m. CST
I knew instantly after i read this review that so many of you poor boys would hate on it because you dont know how to think like a BOSS. If any one of you thinks dissing on a girl movie is more important than using it to get pussy than knock on the ceiling of your basement bedroom and say goodnight to your mother for me because your a dork in a non-ironic way. Only a full on manly hetero would be so casually homoerotic. Harry is the shit.
June 30, 2010, 4:39 a.m. CST
Harry you fail at geometry. The only shape you know is a donut. Photos of these BBWs or it didn't happen.
June 30, 2010, 5:51 a.m. CST
... alive. Just fucking terrible. I can't even make sense of this thing. I think the allergic reaction last week may have been related to this... did you start puffing up after reading some David Foster Wallace? I think you're allergic to COMPLETE SENTENCES.
Also, Harry, falling in love with a woman who doesn't love you but loves someone else IS NOT A LOVE TRIANGLE. You + milk + cookies is a love triangle.
June 30, 2010, 7:25 a.m. CST
...just found out he's a tranny.
June 30, 2010, 7:36 a.m. CST
an actual review or a page from Harry's diary? :-)
June 30, 2010, 9:30 a.m. CST
i'd rather be warned before i click, thanks
June 30, 2010, 10:16 a.m. CST
Milk and cookies indeed.
June 30, 2010, 10:51 a.m. CST
by The Dark Shite
How about Marmaduke? Would that work? <p> Scooby Doo? <p> A recently decapitated chicken's cock? <p>
June 30, 2010, 10:52 a.m. CST
or was it "_______"?
June 30, 2010, 10:52 a.m. CST
or was it "_______"?
June 30, 2010, 2:31 p.m. CST
Kinda laughing about that one.
June 30, 2010, 2:47 p.m. CST
There's one for the books. I mean, I'm all for boyish/androgynous flat chested chicks with short hair but Harry takes crypto-homoeroticism a bit too far. I mean, I wouldn't mind a pyrex dildo up my posterior if it were attached to a chick, not a dude. 'Cause that's just ghey.
June 30, 2010, 2:58 p.m. CST
But it is safe for work. No one is going to get fired for reading bad words on the internet.
June 30, 2010, 3:55 p.m. CST
You usually make some great points. But I can't follow your logic on the whole "TF's are just movies about transforming robots". That's a tired excuse to not follow the source material - which is MUCH, MUCH more than the 80s cartoon. I agree *BAY's* movies are just a bunch of robots beating each other up, but the source material is not.
June 30, 2010, 6:57 p.m. CST
That was a disgusting "review".
June 30, 2010, 7:41 p.m. CST
by Adelai Niska
Harry should go back and tell us which random shitty movie from last year is not as good as every movie from this year. <p> ""The A Team" was better than "Fast and Furious", but "Toy Story 3" was WAY better than "The Taking of Pelham 123" remake."
June 30, 2010, 8:13 p.m. CST
...the girlfriend and I will be having plenty of satisfying sex without ever seeing the "aphrodisiac" that is Twilight.
June 30, 2010, 8:32 p.m. CST
That was serious frakked-up shit. This is a contender for top 3 weird reviews from Harry. :)
June 30, 2010, 9:49 p.m. CST
June 30, 2010, 11:18 p.m. CST
did you lose out in the love triangle? my guess is you were inappropriate with a buddies girl friend. or just flat out stalked her. no offence.
July 1, 2010, 1:01 a.m. CST
"It’s not everyday that I walk out of a theater wishing that a God’s seed took bloom inside my ass cavity, so that I could be the one to shit out the spawn of a God to rule our earthly kingdom… But as I watched ANCHORMAN: THE LEGEND OF RON BURGUNDY – that was exactly what I wanted. .... Will Farrell, while not exactly Burgundy did manage to woo women into humping the screen at our theater and leaving Rorschach like blots staining the lower tenth of the screen, whilst us men pinched our nipples at a sudden, inexplicable rush of femininity swept over us in the face of such manliness on-screen." Classic.
July 1, 2010, 1:06 a.m. CST
Burnt into my cerebral cortex like a bad hit of acid at an Insane Clown Posse concert: "The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Guillermo Del Toro goes down on the audience. ... You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again … You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!"
July 1, 2010, 2:49 a.m. CST
July 1, 2010, 3:46 a.m. CST
That regardless of the supposed "three way" play I could be getting from going to see this flick that I can subject myself into watching two more hours of emo looking asswipes with expressions on their faces implying that someone squeezed out a really wet silent but deadly. That... and the nose soda squirt inducing laughs from seeing that really start to fucking smart after awhile.
July 1, 2010, 6:58 a.m. CST
"That there are actual scenes of Edward driving Bella out in the middle of nowhere, just to hand off to Jacob? Several times."
July 1, 2010, 9:02 a.m. CST
Seriously Harry. You have GOT to work on your grammar and spelling. It’s not expected in the talkbacks. But you are the head geek here. Your reviews are so distracting with the poor, poor grammer and ALL THE CUSSING! I mean…who talks like that? “…he can't imagine the teenage girl in him fucking that. Her mother knows. We all fucking know they're all about fucking each other. Edward has this Victorian hang up about no sex before marriage, it is driving Bella's hormones into overdrive. It is the only reason this fucking triangle is going on.” You used the word “fucking” twice in one sentence. Are you not a serious writer/movie critic… like your friend Roger Ebert? Please look to him for examples of good writing.
July 1, 2010, 10:54 a.m. CST
Harry wants your teenagers to have sex. And listen to Jazz. And the Beatles. And smoke pot.
July 1, 2010, 10:58 a.m. CST
terrible terrible films made only to exploit wet fannies. In the 1960's, Elvis movies made shit loads of dosh but were universally panned, yet the teen puss got wetter and wetter;and wet seats = $$. So Twilight is like an Elvis movie but with worse music.
July 1, 2010, 12:20 p.m. CST
I'm just sayin'...
July 1, 2010, 6:08 p.m. CST
July 1, 2010, 6:48 p.m. CST
I can read the same old boring-ass deconstruction from film school degree-toting wannabes-but-never-weres anywhere I like. This is far more entertaining while still telling me everything that I need to know about this cynical cash-grab exploitation-fest of a "film".
July 1, 2010, 10:40 p.m. CST
... was that? A review??
July 2, 2010, 2:37 a.m. CST
I almost never log in, but I have to give the man the tip of the hat. I am in awe.
July 2, 2010, 11:27 a.m. CST
The infamous Kurt Russell as Boba Fett!
July 2, 2010, 1:02 p.m. CST
by Bob Dobbs
WTF?!? I read that twice and I still have no idea what you're talking about Harry. God, that was awful - every time I think you've posted the worst crap I've ever read, you go and prove me wrong. I think I saw something about bestiality and... comparisons to Wolverine? What the fuck?
July 2, 2010, 4:28 p.m. CST
Hello AICN talkbackers, I actually saw the movie today. The scene that Harry was talking about was in the book. The reason Bella, Jacob and Edward were in the same tent together was so Jacob can help Bella warm her up in the freezing cold. Dogs are warm, get it? The love triangle between Edward and Jacob pretty much ended in the tent, as they did become friends toward the end of the movie so they can fight off Victoria and the Volturi. That is one thing Harry failed to explain in this review. Other than that, I thought "Eclipse" was a pretty decent movie, I liked it. Definitely an improvement and I thought the film had more of a mature feeling since David Slade directed it. In my opinion, the film was way too violent for little tweens. It seems the film was aimed more at adults because the film was rated PG-13 after all.
July 2, 2010, 5:09 p.m. CST
I have no idea if the movie is any good, but it's the best review I have ever read.
July 2, 2010, 8:45 p.m. CST
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July 3, 2010, 8:58 p.m. CST
July 4, 2010, 12:32 p.m. CST
Certainly reads like it.
July 4, 2010, 5:32 p.m. CST
..not just an article about sexual tension in the Twilight series. Or am I just whiny for wanting to rant about bad writing and the steaming mess that is this film?
July 4, 2010, 9:09 p.m. CST
Girl doesn't smile, divorced parents. uh hello?? she's clinically depressed and is interested in a DEAD GUY and a DOG. This is absurd. She's a depressed beyond brooding girl who needs Lexapro and a psychiatrist twice a week. And she needs to find some nice guy who is ALIVE and NOT A DOG and give it up to him and put a smile on that sad puss of hers. Harry please, you need some help.
July 5, 2010, 12:37 a.m. CST
I've never laughed more while reading an AICN article.
July 5, 2010, 10:20 a.m. CST
Is this a review or a pornographic fanfic??? Some things read can never be unread: I really didn't want to picture Harry as a teenage girl getting double dicked. Chalk up another horrific mental scar for me! :-D
July 6, 2010, 2:48 a.m. CST
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July 6, 2010, 9:51 a.m. CST
it's not great by any means, but it's got some really good gags in it.
July 7, 2010, 7:54 a.m. CST
Yeah, I'm done with this series. I gave it more than a fair shot, and it failed to deliver.
July 7, 2010, 4:43 p.m. CST
there is no semblance of a movie review in this meandering, indecipherable drivel. i hope you don't think your "sexual metaphor" was clever. it's not even a metaphor. it's sad. no one wants to think about you and your wife having sex, trust me.
July 8, 2010, 2:52 a.m. CST
And women who don't like bloody Twilight, like me? I read most reviews that are posted on this site and that has to be one of the lamest. Cringeworthy, Harry. Get more Inception reviews on here please, of a better calibre than this rubbish (that's review and film).
July 8, 2010, 4:38 a.m. CST
by Shadow Warrior
Maybe you're better off just maintaining this site and letting other people do the reviews. This is the WORST "review" I've ever read. Not funny or clever. Also, learn some English. Jesus fucking christ.
July 9, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST
You… um… liked it? or what?
July 9, 2010, 1:13 p.m. CST
by kenichi tanaka
If you wanna know why the review is so bad it's because Harry's vocabulary is the same as a 3-year old.<br><br> The fact is that Harry and his so called legion of reviewers are nothing more than amateur bloggers who have no semblence of how to write a real review.<br><br> I don't write reviews for a living but even I have written better reviews than the best review on this site.<br><br> Check it out: http://goddess-project.net/blogger/riding-bean-ova-review/<br><br> The problem is that Aint it Cool News are nothing but amateur bloggers and they shouldn't be considered a real review website. You can get better reviews by asking your 3-year old nephew.
The link I meant to post: http://goddess-project.net/blogger/riding-bean-ova-review/
without the space in the link :p
July 10, 2010, 1 a.m. CST
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July 15, 2010, 12:35 p.m. CST
before the word "blog" was invented
July 27, 2010, 5:15 p.m. CST
On behalf of England and Great Britain, I apologise for the existence of Robert Pattinson....also for the existence of Chris Martin and his dire band Coldplay....if there was any justice in this world, Uwe Boll would direct the last part of the Twilight franchise....
Aug. 5, 2010, 10:56 p.m. CST
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Aug. 15, 2010, 5:16 p.m. CST
And that should be the final word on the subject