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Capone's JONAH HEX review is nearly as incomprehensible as the film itself!!!

Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here. Oh man, here's the thing... I just can't even put into words... it's just... have you ever seen a movie where literally every single actor except for the lead has been horribly miscast? Welcome to JONAH HEX. And Josh Brolin is a great actor, but... ah crap... when Megan Fox is only about the fifth-worst thing in your movie, you have real... and then there are these glowing, explosive oranges... and then, at the end, there's this totally unexplained fight sequence between Brolin's Hex and John Malkovich as the bad guy in the red desert... but then I saw Michael Shannon's name in the credits, but almost nobody saw him in the movie and then when someone told me which character he was, I said, "But that dude only had one line! What the fuck?! Why is his name so high up in the end credits?" And then this dude I'm pretty sure was Jeffrey Dean Morgan shows up, but I wasn't sure it was him because his name isn't in the credits. Then there's this scene in the Civil War-era White House where I'm pretty sure Aidan Quinn is playing Ulysses S. Grant and Will Arnett was playing some military dude, but it was hard to hear what they were saying because the audience was laughing so hard. And then Wes Bentley shows up, and I was like, "Holy shit, I haven't seen this guy since AMERICAN BEAUTY. Where the hell did they dig him up?" And then I thought, oh, maybe Jonah Hex used his power to bring the dead back to life momentarily to revive Wes Bentley's career. And then I started thinking about how Jonah Hex's power is a lot like that guy Ned on "Pushing Daisies," only Ned didn't have a giant burn scar on half his face, and I know JONAH HEX came before "Pushing Daisies," so shut up. And then I started thinking how strange it was that a studio paid Brolin a decent amount of money only to hide his good-looking face under all that scar makeup. But then at the beginning of the film there is this cool sort-of animated sequence used to explain Hex's origin, and I started thinking that I wish the whole movie had been made that way because I kind of dug that part. And then Malkovich kills Hex's family as revenge and he says to a tied-up Hex, "I want you to see this," but then he closes the door so Hex can't see his family die, which makes no goddamn sense. And then there's this dude who can spit snake venom and has a messed-up face, and he's fighting in a cage match sort of thing. And then I started thinking about Megan Fox again, whose basically in this movie to keep the whole thing from being a total sausage party, and I actually felt kind of sorry for her because JENNIFER'S BODY should have worked, and it's not entirely her fault that it didn't. And, man, am I excited to see Josh Brolin in Oliver Stone's WALL STREET sequel and the new Woody Allen movie and the Coen Brothers' TRUE GRIT, and I remember thinking "Mr. Sterling" was a decent show, and how when I got to interview him for NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, he snatched my notebook of questions and started laughing because I had an Into the Blue question that I wasn't even going to ask but he insisted on answering. He was a truly cool dude, and you hate to see the nice guys stumble like this, but the law of averages says it's bound to happen, and the guy has had a run over the last five years or so that is second only to Pixar, so one piece of shit isn't going to derail him in the slightest. And if anything that I'm writing about JONAH HEX seems slightly like incomprehensible rambling, try sitting through the movie. Your standard for incomprehensible will undoubtedly be altered. And if the people who made this movie didn't bother to try and make sense, why the hell should I? To say I hated this movie would imply that anything in my soul was stirred enough to form an emotion. I could feel my brain literally throwing out the memories of the first half of the movie as I sat through the second half. And if you think that the film's abbreviated running time (right around 80 minutes with credits) will dull the pain of watching it, guess again. No film in recent memory feels more like a studio came in, saw what a mess they had at 90 or 100 minutes, and they simply took a chainsaw into the editing room to try to make something out of it before they pushed it out the door like a gay son in a Mormon household. There are so many good movies coming out this weekend that if you actually spend money to see JONAH HEX , you deserve all the pain you will inevitably suffer.
-- Capone Follow Me On Twitter

Readers Talkback
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  • June 18, 2010, 11:37 a.m. CST

    It's Post-Modern, Man

    by Aquatarkusman

    Either that or Uwe Boll forged a passport with a new name. Didn't he have a film with Ben Kingsley in it?

  • June 18, 2010, 11:38 a.m. CST

    This thing will BOMB horribly!

    by Reckoner

    When they can't even make the trailer look good, you know something's wrong.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:39 a.m. CST

    I can't believe Brolin did this

    by Reckoner

    After having such good taste in his roles... I guess he just wanted to have a brainless good time... Thank God he has some more good roles already lined up because this is gonna hurt.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:41 a.m. CST

    Why Not, Reckoner?

    by Aquatarkusman

    He once wore shorts over his sweats.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:42 a.m. CST

    Jennifer's Body worked you foolish tit.

    by Dolmes

    Jonah Hex clearly had some effect as it bothered you enough to write about it, badly. Leave now and never come back.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:42 a.m. CST

    Whatthe HELL, CAPONE? JH review, but not TS3?

    by Lamerz

    Where the hell are the TS3 reviews on this crappy site? Who gives two sh1ts (or even one for that matter) about Jonah Hex?

  • June 18, 2010, 11:43 a.m. CST

    Looks crappy

    by david_boreanez_cunt_hairz

    not interested, good review though, you obviously were writing from your balls on this one.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:44 a.m. CST

    This is the kind of review

    by BigSteve03

    that got me hooked on AICN years ago. Witty, scathing, and 100% from the gut honest. Its a real contrast to most of the "I'll give you a generic good review if you let me see behind the scenes stuff" that most of reviews here are these days.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:44 a.m. CST

    80mins WITH credits?

    by Bouncy X

    jesus so that means the movie itself is like 1hr 10 or 12, thats pathetic. you expect running times like those for animated movies but for a live action movie, a summer release no less...damn. and i 2nd the Jennifer's Body love...i enjoyed it a lot and staring at Amanda Seyfriend for 90mins didnt hurt.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:45 a.m. CST

    Sounds Perfect For Generation ADD

    by Broseph

  • June 18, 2010, 11:45 a.m. CST

    could it have been Javier Bardem?

    by Xiphos_2

    and not Jeffery Dean Morgan since they are the same actor?

  • June 18, 2010, 11:47 a.m. CST

    "Like a gay son in a Mormon Household" - ROFLCOPTER

    by zillabeast

    Why the fuck doesn't Rotten Tomoatoes use THAT one on their site????

  • June 18, 2010, 11:50 a.m. CST

    Has anyone seen my picture....

    by GarysMidgetCorpse

    with my wife standing over me?

  • June 18, 2010, 11:51 a.m. CST

    Brolin does not exist in this dojo

    by Cobra--Kai

    Brolin has such good taste in roles? Hhahahaha...<p> Why does everyone think Josh Brolin appeared out of *nowhere* with his turn in NO COUNTY FOR OLD MEN?<p> The fucker's been in about 50 odd movies before that... why does no one remember them? Cos they were shit and he was shit in them. Bland man.<p> Capone doesn't think that Brolin's hard earned status as leading man will be damaged by this turkey? I wouldn't be so sure.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:54 a.m. CST

    I don't want an incomprehensible review...

    by GarysMidgetCorpse

    I juat want a staright fuckin review of the movie. AICN has become a 2nd tier nerd site...the glory days are gone.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:55 a.m. CST

    Reboot, Maybe?

    by Dave I

    Sorry, it practically had to be said. You have to hope, at some point as big a flop as this was if they ever decide to do ANYTHING with this (not bloody likely) they actually pretend this never happened, please don't call it a re-ANYTHING, just ignore this, and make something made seriously with some reverence to the source material. Or, you know, stop making crappy movies kinda-sorta about a somewhat unknown property but then change what makes it have any appeal and replace it with camp. It sounds like it was NOT Josh Brolin's fault, but whoever made this movie and fronted the money for it to be the unhumorous joke it apparently is deserves for it to fail. <p><p>I AM left with two passing thoughts though: <p>1) I really want to watch the big screen version of this character that exists in my head. Instead, I'll probably put that $10 I would have spent on this entirely imaginary version toward a Jonah Hex comic or something. And; <p><p>2) I am TOTALLY planning on seeing Toy Story 3 this weekend. I am not sure I can really even justify checking this out from the library, or even watching parts of it for free on WGN in a few months. Which is sad, because how awesome SHOULD this story be? <p><p>But hey, at least the rambling structure of the review worked considering the nature of the movie as it was depicted. Three cheers for that, I guess. <p><p>-Cheers

  • June 18, 2010, 11:55 a.m. CST

    lol at my typos...

    by GarysMidgetCorpse

    looks like muhammad ali wrote it. I need Coffee

  • June 18, 2010, 11:56 a.m. CST

    that was funny

    by slickerynodes

    nice review

  • June 18, 2010, 11:58 a.m. CST

    by Cobra--Kai

    You've all seen HOLLOW MAN right?<p> And you know Brolin played the hero in it right?<p> What? You'd forgotten? Bland man Brolin strikes again.<p> And 'W' Oliver Stone.. you loved Brolin in that? Oh right - you weren't one of the 20 people who actually watched that film.<p> But you know Brolin's parents right - James Brolin and Barbara Streisand (bit of nepotism always nice when you have no talent), and you know Brolin's wife right (Diane Lane). If I was married to someone as beautiful as her I sure as hell wouldn't smack her around like Josh did.<p> But Brolin's still a cool guy right?<p> Damn I hate Josh Brolin!

  • June 18, 2010, 12:02 p.m. CST

    Toy Story 3

    by tomdolan04

    Where are the reviews? Anyone? They're up on Joblo and others, glowing to say the least.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:02 p.m. CST

    You thought Megan Fox was the FIFTH worst thing?

    by Continentalop

    I know you gets excessively ripped on, but this is one move where I thought she earned some heavy criticism: <P> My review (yeah, pointless plug). <P>

  • June 18, 2010, 12:03 p.m. CST

    "A gay son in a Mormon household!"

    by WarrenSmooth

    That certainly describes this movie to a T.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:04 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    This should've just stayed a comic book. It really doesn't translate to mainstream cinema. A gritty indie movie maybe, but once you signed Megan Fox it was bound to be shit.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:05 p.m. CST

    It's the best!

    by A_Die_Hard_Fan

    Of the worst! It's just getting a leap on all the other horrible offerings coming this year so it can solidify its Razzie standing.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:06 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Nobody does scary like Josh Brolin.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:08 p.m. CST

    Make The 1st 21 issues of Dark Horse's Conan the Cimmarian

    by UltraTron

    into a movie. Or just read it. The thing is pretty much a new level of cinematic comicbook excellence. It is simply directed. There is a cinematographer, DP, lighting, etc. To give you one example- during an epic battle there's a blurb describing some bard who would sing years later of the battle. You don't just read the lyrics- you hear the music playing during the battle like you're watching a movie. It's phenomenal art and storytelling at it's finest

  • June 18, 2010, 12:08 p.m. CST


    by Joely_Boy

    Possibly trying to capture what Neil Young did with Jim Jarmusch... good luck with that!

  • June 18, 2010, 12:08 p.m. CST

    80 minutes?

    by Klytus_I.m_Bored

    I'd rather watch 80 minutes of Megan Fox's pulsing pink asshole. Yeah I know she's a skank but you're a fag if you don't want to drill her. I think it says that in the Bible somewhere.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:09 p.m. CST

    by Cobra--Kai

    Conti - professional review.<p> Capone - sticks nose so far up Brolin's "genuine nice guy" woman-beating ass that he has to be pinocchio. For shame dude.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:10 p.m. CST

    by Cobra--Kai

    "Nobody does scary like Josh Brolin."<p> Just ask his wife when Brolin comes home drunk on a Saturday night.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:14 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    He strikes me as a teddy bear kinda guy.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:15 p.m. CST

    This year's little miss wife beater

    by Arcadian Del Sol

    sorry, I dont care for Josh Brolin. He beats women. Im not in the habit of handing out ten dollar bills to any given wife beater I meet on the street, so Im certainly not going to plunk a ten spot down to watch a wife beater pretend he's not fat while his horse shoots machineguns at the cowboys from Blazing saddles.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:16 p.m. CST

    So, did you like it?

    by BetaRayBill07

  • June 18, 2010, 12:17 p.m. CST

    THAT SAID...

    by Arcadian Del Sol

    The movie would have been better if they went with the 'classic Hex' from the 80s comics, complete with the tragic ending where his stuffed body trades hands among traveling carnivals and ultimately ends up in a props shed somewhere on the Warner Brothers backlot.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:17 p.m. CST

    So..... Catwoman bad?

    by craptacular

  • June 18, 2010, 12:18 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    She's still with him as far as I know. Lane doesn't strike me as the kind of woman who stays in a violent relationship. It was probably a bad fight with highly inflamed emotions that resulted in cops being called. Who hasn't done that?

  • June 18, 2010, 12:23 p.m. CST

    What was up with Megan's face?

    by Jaxon727

    Every time Megan was on screen by herself she was all glowy??? Reminded me of how they use to use a special effects lens for Streisand's close-ups to give it a soft edge effect and cover up any defects. Oh, and the movie was pretty piss poor.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:24 p.m. CST

    DO NOT defend Megan Fox

    by daggor

    Fox is a useless bag of tits. She hasn't done anything worth watching except pose for the camera. I'm starting to read "Megan Fox isn't the problem" for this film. If she's not good in it, she's at least part of the problem. She was hired because dudes said "Woooo!" when they saw her in Transformers, and no other reason.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:25 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    I think she looks skanky. Not my thing.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:26 p.m. CST

    Biggest disaster since the Gulf oil spill


    And hopefully this one also puts people out of work.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:27 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    It all seems kinda silly now doesn't it.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:27 p.m. CST

    At least now, Catwoman is not the worst DC movie.

    by Snookeroo

    Just sayin'.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:28 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Seriously, I called all four of his offices. All lines were busy. LOL

  • June 18, 2010, 12:30 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    See for yourself: <P>

  • June 18, 2010, 12:31 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Someone needs to string up that fucking ref.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:31 p.m. CST

    I For One, Cannot Wait to See This.

    by LOTGA

    But I don't have to pay for it and expect it to be horrendous.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:32 p.m. CST

    by show23

    Wes Bentley was the villian in Ghost Rider, one of them, which I am sure was equally as bad as Jonah Hex will be.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:35 p.m. CST


    by MCVamp

    Yeah, she'll never be the next Angelina, talent-wise or otherwise. But at the same time, remember that Angelina did two Tomb Raider movies and Sky Captain. Megan is more like a white Salma Hayek (who is still superior to Megan, btw.)

  • June 18, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST

    What's the animation up top referencing?

    by 3D-Man

    I feel so ignorant.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST


    by film11

    Wes Bentley had a good turn as a psycho killer in P2.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:38 p.m. CST


    by BringingSexyBack

    Angelina's got mad acting skillz, but without a doubt her star took a turn into the stratosphere when she hooked up with Brad. They should do another movie together. Smith was okay, I just think they could do better.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:39 p.m. CST

    Josh Brolin's Sphincter just called...

    by LargoJr

    It said you should have KNOWN this movie was pure shit, and that everybody was thinking 'giant mechanical spider' & Wild Wild West when word of this started getting out. <p> Can't believe ANYONE would go into this expecting anything but a hot bubbling crock of fresh crap. <p> Don't get me wrong, I like Josh, and I absolutely ADORE Megan (toe-thumb and all), but this project was hampered with a TRULY horrific script that no-one was willing to rewrite, because the parts that made it so bad were the very same parts they started out with and wrote the script AROUND to give it all a story. <p> Anyways... this movie never had a chance.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:45 p.m. CST

    I can just picture Capone

    by Lang The Cat

    Foaming at the mouth, trying to get out all the rage he feels after sitting through a movie like this. And to not have Uwe Boll's name in the credits to blame for the waste of time.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:46 p.m. CST

    This was actually a Transformers 3 review

    by EddieMurphysLaugh

  • June 18, 2010, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Wes Bently quote was hilarious

    by Samuel Fulmer

    I thought the same thing when I saw a preview he was in recently on some DVD I was watching. It was the usual direct to DVD crap that he was starring in. Thora Birch kind of fell off the map too. Other than Ghost World, I can't name one film she's been in the past 8 years.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:50 p.m. CST

    by BSGDAN

    Everything in this article is spot-on. Yeah, I saw it last night at the midnight showing. I wish I could say that I only saw it because "Toy Story 3" was sold out, but I can't. I went there intending to see "Jonah Hex". As the film was going, I wanted to leave about 5 times, but I kept thinking that it had to get better. It never did. When it was over, I couldn't believe that it was as short as it was (it certainly felt longer). The problems with this film are too numerous to mention, but-as the reviewer states-Megan Fox is the least of them. Do yourselves a favor: don't waste any time or money on this film. Life is to short to spend suffering through shit like "Jonah Hex".

  • June 18, 2010, 12:51 p.m. CST

    Magnificient Review

    by Crow3711

    That was a good read. And I understand entirely what you are saying. The review is kind of post-modern, but I doubt the film is.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:53 p.m. CST

    I think I gotta see this

    by Klytus_I.m_Bored

    It sounds so bad that it's a challenge. I think I might have to take the challenge and go see it. I sat through Sex and the City 2 with the wife. Now it's PAYBACK.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:53 p.m. CST

    What a damn shame

    by MediaGold

    I've always liked the comic character. I got one of them thar Spotlight compilations on Jonah Hex a couple of years ago and really enjoyed it. These were stories originally made in the early 70s and they have a cool, gritty Leone feel about them. Hollywood just doesn't get weird westerns. Remember what they did to Wild Wild West? Apparently no one learned anything.

  • June 18, 2010, 12:54 p.m. CST

    This Summer has had a lot of flops

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Other than Iron Man 2 (which really should've made more money and looks like it's going to make barely more than the original did) and "gasp" The Karate Kid, there have been a lot of box office duds. Even movies that have made a decent buck aren't really too successful considering the cost (like Robin Hood and Sex and the City 2).

  • June 18, 2010, 12:58 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox

    by zer0cool2k2

    Cannot hold a candle to Salma Hayek! <P> (Though I'd like to see Megan and Salma and a candle playing together).

  • June 18, 2010, 1:05 p.m. CST

    This Should Have Been In 3D

    by Trannyformers_Apologist

    Then it would have made a billion dollars.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:07 p.m. CST

    That was funny

    by tomimt

    Somehow it doesn't surprise me, that the movie sucks. The trailer reminded too much about Wild Wild West.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:07 p.m. CST

    Don't forget Wes Bentley was in Ghost Rider also

    by skimn

    So he has TWO crappy comic book adaptations under his belt. And for the weekly WDET (What Does Ebert Think)...he gave Hex 2 stars while he gave Kick Ass 1 star. So Hex is a full star better than Kick Ass?? Yea, I know, what the fuck does one star better even mean, but you get the drift.<p>If you saw Brolin on Leno, then it sounded like he got his ass kicked left and right while filming stuntwork, heavily clothed, under 120 degree heat. For this turd? Poor guy.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:09 p.m. CST

    I wonder how long the original cut was?

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Maybe it's better? Maybe it's worse?

  • June 18, 2010, 1:11 p.m. CST

    Oh wait..

    by skimn

    he has Diane Lane to come home to. Never the fuck mind.<p>And is probably in the will for Streisand money...never ever the fuck mind.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:19 p.m. CST

    Wes Bently....

    by Jarek

    He was in a fairly recent, and rather good DTV flick called "The Ungodly". Similar to Man Bites Dog & The Last Horror Movie. Worth watching.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:22 p.m. CST

    80 Minutes!

    by Francis Begbie

    Reminds me of the episode of Arrested Developmet where Maeby has to cut the film she produced down over and over again cause it's so bad. It starts at like 90 minutes and then she says something to George Michael like "it's the best 55 minutes you'll have today"

  • June 18, 2010, 1:25 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox isn't "glowy"...

    by JayLenoTookMyJob

    ... She always looks sorta greasy to me. She has the complexion of a $5 truckstop meth whore.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:26 p.m. CST

    When Josh Brolin Does press interviews

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Does he wear his sweat pants with the shorts over it apparel from The Goonies?

  • June 18, 2010, 1:26 p.m. CST

    And Red Head Band

    by Samuel Fulmer

  • June 18, 2010, 1:26 p.m. CST

    Batman XXX is better (God help us all)

    by leo54304

    If a porn spoof is better than a mainstream released movie, thats gotta be one of the signs of apocalypse. Bats wasn't great but compared to this abortion it is. Too bad not enough catwoman or batgirl sex scenes (One each!!) give me a break!! For photos from the movie go to

  • June 18, 2010, 1:32 p.m. CST

    It is NOT Megan Fox's fault Jennifer's Body failed

    by D.Vader

    It didn't work because it was a BAD script with BAD direction. It was neither funny, nor scary, which is EXACTLY what it should have been. It didn't feel like parody. It didn't feel like female empowerment or revenge. <p> It should have been like SCREAM which balanced the horror and comedy quite well. Instead we had a movie about a bitch who becomes a bitch that eats people, and instead of eating the people who turned her into a monster, she eats the nice guys around her. We don't feel sorry for her because she never emotionally changes, and we don't feel sorry for her friend Amanda Seyfried bc her best friend has always been a bitch to her. There's no tragedy involved at all. <p> Megan Fox did exactly what the role called for. Its a shame the script wasn't better and the director a little more capable to take something pretty bland and make it pretty good.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:36 p.m. CST

    Even the font on the poster

    by gingerella

    for "Jonah Hex" makes me want to fucking weep. Keep making this shit, Hollywood. See where you end up.

  • June 18, 2010, 1:38 p.m. CST


    by Kremzeek

    Agreed. I Netflixed JB's and found it to be somewhat entertaining, but yeah, tons of problems - none of which were Megan Fox. (And no, I don't think she's a stellar actress by any means, but to say that film was ruined because of her is inaccurate, IMO.)

  • June 18, 2010, 1:48 p.m. CST

    Fight sequence in the red desert??

    by MattmanReturns

    That wasn't in the screening I saw a couple of months ago. They must have added that last minute.

  • June 18, 2010, 2:07 p.m. CST

    Didnt have to pay for it ..But...

    by joker40

    I have a friend, who is a manager at a local cincinati ohio theatre, so I didnt pay to see it, however I wasted gas money to get there..I say this is.."The crow: tales of the west..featuring gay mormon boy..

  • June 18, 2010, 2:10 p.m. CST


    by Continentalop

    You saw a previous cut? Good because I have some questions for you - there is a bunch of stuff in this movie that feels like it was added after the fact. In the version you saw was there: <P> Some mutant freak called the Cobra? And did he just fight in a pit than disappear? <P> Did Megan Fox stab a john who was harassing her? <P> Did they explain how Burke (Fassbender) was able to track down Fox's character? <P> Did they explain how those indians found him the second time, who were they, and did they have anything to do with the actual movie? <P> I imagine those where all in your version, but they all felt like changes/reshoots to me. Even the Talk with the Dead thing feels like it was thought of after the movie was shot.

  • June 18, 2010, 2:16 p.m. CST

    saw it a few nights ago

    by Shawn F.

    Total mess of a movie, but I did think that Brolin gave it his best shot. Not much more to say beyond that aside from the fact that it was a really long 81 minutes.

  • June 18, 2010, 2:17 p.m. CST

    saw it a few nights ago

    by Shawn F.

    Total mess of a movie, but I did think that Brolin gave it his best shot. Not much more to say beyond that aside from the fact that it was a really long 81 minutes.

  • June 18, 2010, 2:17 p.m. CST

    damn double posts

    by Shawn F.

    sorry, kids.

  • June 18, 2010, 2:24 p.m. CST

    a shame, really.

    by MariusXe

    the comics are really really good and would have been easily transferred to a movie, IF someone actually would take the source material seriously. SHAME because today in the days of dark knight studios should know better. I mean its even the same studio that made tdk! how could that happen??? Who thought giving hex superpowers was a great idea? You only had to make a cool western with a cool bountyhunter in it. Whats so hard abut that??? It really feels like a comicbook movie made ten or twelve years ago.

  • June 18, 2010, 2:51 p.m. CST


    by Chicken_Man_Gus

    Brilliant review as always, Capone!

  • June 18, 2010, 2:59 p.m. CST

    A giant robot spider woulda fixed everything.

    by Royston Lodge

    So say we all.

  • June 18, 2010, 3:27 p.m. CST

    MariusXe don't forget Catwoman and Batman

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Begins came out within months of each other from WB. I still think they're clueless. Luckily they seem to stay out of Nolan's way.

  • June 18, 2010, 3:42 p.m. CST

    I've got to watch this....

    by The Dum Guy

    If only for the need to kill time.

  • June 18, 2010, 3:44 p.m. CST

    What a fuckin' shame

    by twogunjames

    They had the chance to do a really good western with Tom Jane as Hex and Walter Hill as director and they took a shit on that idea so they could hire a cartoon director and the flavor of the month actor. Nice job Hollywood. Fuck right off.

  • June 18, 2010, 3:59 p.m. CST

    I wanted this to be cool...

    by fatjesuschrysler

    but I lost all hope in it a long time ago. And that make-up looks fucking stupid. I really don't think I could look at that for 80 minutes. Try again.

  • June 18, 2010, 4:10 p.m. CST

    Jonah Hex, the early interview

    by BadMrWonka

    Interviewer: Josh Brolin, you've just come off of a critically praised turn in a Best Picture Oscar winner, what are you looking to do next?<p> Josh Brolin: I'm hoping to get involved with an adaptation of a mediocre comic book where half my face is torn off, and I get to act next to Megan Fox...preferably directed by a guy who's never directed actual humans before.<p> Interviewer: Um...what? <p> Josh Brolin: Oh, and if it's written by the mentally handicapped teenagers that wrote Crank, it would be a dream, but I'm not sure we can get them. <p> Interviewer: Oh, I bet they're free...

  • June 18, 2010, 4:26 p.m. CST

    God, it's hard ENOUGH to sell Westerns to today's audiences...

    by Nasty In The Pasty why did they slash this down to an INSANE 81 minutes(!) and release it the same weekend as one of the most anticipated sequels of the YEAR, let alone summer?

  • June 18, 2010, 4:41 p.m. CST

    Yeah, what the hell did ever happen to Wes Bentley?

    by Somerichs

    Dude was good in American Beauty, looked like he had a bright future, think he did that feathers movie with Heath, and then...nothin! WTF?

  • June 18, 2010, 5:20 p.m. CST

    How do they always get the easy ones wrong?

    by Knuckleduster

    We've had 3 Punisher movies and they all sucked donkey balls. Punisher is one of the easiest comic book characters to adapt into film. The guy's a murderous vigilante. No superpowers. No spandex. There's a wealth of great Punisher stories out there by good writers like Garth Ennis. So how the fuck do they keep getting it wrong? <p> And now this? Jonah Hex is a cowboy! All you goons had to do was make a good Western. For fuck's sakes.

  • June 18, 2010, 5:31 p.m. CST


    by MattmanReturns

    Yeah Cobra was in the version I saw. He served no purpose. Megan stabbed the dude. No explanation on Burke that I remember, or the Indians, or that stupid raven climbing out of Jonah's mouth. Don't expect an awesome director's cut of this, unfortunately. I haven't seen the final shorter cut yet, and probably won't until it's on HBO, so I can't say what was cut...

  • June 18, 2010, 5:35 p.m. CST

    So Capone hates this but loves all over the KK remake?

    by HollywoodHellraiser


  • June 18, 2010, 5:37 p.m. CST

    KK remake?

    by MattmanReturns

  • June 18, 2010, 5:45 p.m. CST

    If you're referring to King Kong

    by MattmanReturns

    Jonah Hex isn't even comparable. King Kong was fairly flawed and indulgent but a LOT more effort went into that film than Jonah Hex. Not on the same level at all.

  • June 18, 2010, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Karate Kid???

    by HollywoodHellraiser

    Yeah, KK!

  • June 18, 2010, 5:53 p.m. CST


    by MattmanReturns

    Hahah not sure why that didn't come to mind. Haven't seen it. Although I'm sure it's better than Jonah.

  • June 18, 2010, 5:56 p.m. CST

    I thought HollywoodHellraiser just forgot a K

    by Continentalop

    KKK. <P> Well, his initials are HH ("Heil Hitler") so I always just assumed he was a closeted racist.

  • June 18, 2010, 5:56 p.m. CST

    R.I.P. Megan Fox's Career.

    by fiester

    She will take the fall for this dog of a film, wait and see. Playboy here she comes. T minus 14 months and ticking. Then we won't have to hear from her ever again.

  • June 18, 2010, 5:58 p.m. CST

    Does he still talk to the dog and horse in the final cut?

    by MattmanReturns

    "I got nuthin to say to you."

  • June 18, 2010, 6 p.m. CST

    I actually have a theory about Cobra

    by Continentalop

    SPOILERS (as if anyone cares): I actually think that it was originally intended to be a dog fight before someone said "Wouldn't it be cooler to have a Wild West MMA fight between a big muscular guy and a rejected freak from the X-Files?" and they went with that. <P> I have no evidence but just a hunch. When Hex throws that guy to into the pit where Cobra is I imagine he originally was supposed to be thrown into a pit of fighting dogs. Plus after he leaves Hex finds the dog - why would they be abusing a dog unless they had dog fighting going on? <P> Finally, I don't think we ever saw a shot where we saw people fighting in the pit AND Hex in the same frame. I think the pit fight was a pick up and originally they had two dogs fighting (Hell, I don't think Hex or any of the people on top even mention the two men fighting).

  • June 18, 2010, 6:01 p.m. CST

    MattmanReturns, yes

    by Continentalop

    Actually Hex and that dog had more chemistry together than him and Fox. Way more.

  • June 18, 2010, 6:07 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox still has a movie coming with Mickey Rourke.

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    I expect that if that one fails (artistically at least), then she'll be resigned to an eternal FHM-style career and can say good-bye to any second or third-tier billing. She needs a good roll and not just something that relies on her "va-va-voom" appearance for ticket sales. (Clearly, it's not working.)<P>More importantly, it sounds like JONAH HEX is more of a waste for Brolin and Fassbender. Those guys are far too talented to even bother with this kind of genre shite. As for Malkovich, who knows.

  • June 18, 2010, 6:08 p.m. CST

    Does Fassbender still throw the dynamite in the air

    by MattmanReturns

    for no reason other than having something explode in the air?

  • June 18, 2010, 6:10 p.m. CST


    by Continentalop

    Here is my review. Basically Malkovitch is literally asleep at the wheel. <P> <P> The hits help out bartleby's site, btw.

  • June 18, 2010, 6:11 p.m. CST

    MattmanReturns, yes again

    by Continentalop

    Actually this whole movie has a lot of pointless explosions. Like why the fuck does the building in that small town explode in the beginning? <P>

  • June 18, 2010, 6:17 p.m. CST

    That CYRUS flash ad is way too fucking annoying

    by Squinty CGI Flynn

  • June 18, 2010, 6:44 p.m. CST

    Continentalop, magical exploding building

    by MattmanReturns

    Yeah I'm guessing that building was where the town kept their massive supply of dynamite and gunpowder kegs...

  • June 18, 2010, 6:46 p.m. CST

    gonna see it tomorrow. can't wait

    by Messyjoe

    In spite of this crappy review I think this will be a cool movie. At least Megan Fox is not taking all the heat. If you think she's too beautiful and you have to dump on her that is your problem. She does here what she is given in the script. In her next movie she plays an angel (typecasting I must say) in Passion Play and apparently has done a very good job. As you can see I am not a Megan hater by any means, and see a diamond in the rough, who wants to do a good job, and will earn in the future the respect for her work she is not getting now. Which was unfortunately because she started out in Transformers. And yes I liked her in Jennifers Body too.

  • June 18, 2010, 7:06 p.m. CST

    Of course you can't complain about explosions...

    by Continentalop

    In a movie where the hero is armed with two repeat-Dynamite-hand-crossbows.

  • June 18, 2010, 7:34 p.m. CST

    Bentley got addicted to drugs

    by MR. MURDOCH

    and I think also 'da drink,' and has apparently been trying to piece his career back together, according to a NYTimes piece from some months back...though I can't see how this "movie" will help...didn't even know he was in this! Sounds like a total cluster-fooble, hope WB gets its shit sorted out. At least we have Martin Fucking Campbell on "Green Lantern."

  • June 18, 2010, 7:37 p.m. CST

    Check this out, folks:

    by MR. MURDOCH From Deadline Hollywood Daily: ".........By contrast, Warner Bros' Jonah Hex is such a flop that it's not even meeting the studio's lowered expectation of $10M from 2,825 venues. It wasn't tracking, and today my sources say it'll get to just $8.5M for its opening weekend. As one Warner Bros exec said about the lesson learned; "You don't take a handsome actor and disgfigure him." The studio is so embarrassed that it's taking great pains to points out that the pic was greenlighted before Diane Nelson took over as president of DC Entertainment. About the cowboy with the disfigured face and legend that he can't be killed, a minor character in the DC Comics galaxy of stars, Jonah Hex was attempted on the cheap: supposedly for a $35M budget until reshoots of some scenes 6 months ago pushed that figure higher. Execs admit to me now that the pic "overdoes" everything: handsome Josh Brolin is "too horrific looking" and the character was "never that popular" and shouldn't have a pic. So, one insider tells me, "the studio looked at the movie a long time ago and wrote it off."........"

  • June 18, 2010, 7:43 p.m. CST

    Bentley story

    by MR. MURDOCH

  • June 18, 2010, 7:49 p.m. CST

    "have you ever seen a movie where...

    by AsimovLives

    ... literally every single actor except for the lead has been horribly miscast?"<br><br>If one sees Spock as the real lead of the movie, then yes i have, it's called Jar Jar Abrams' SO-CALLED STAR TREK. That didn't prevented you, my friend Capone, from liking it, though. So, why do you make an exception for JOHAN HEX? The moon was in the wrong phase or something?

  • June 18, 2010, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Asimov somehow fit Star Trek into a Jonah Hex talkback

    by MattmanReturns

    I'm impressed.

  • June 18, 2010, 8:11 p.m. CST


    by AsimovLives

    It was hard work, believe me, but i did found a way. I'm like Scotty, a miracle maker.

  • June 18, 2010, 8:22 p.m. CST

    It is spy kids bad

    by antonphd

    Except spy kids was made for nothing in RR's garage so understandable. This movie was made by people who were not ready to make a whole movie. It's that simple. Some cool but mostly a mix of bland by the numbers and missfires at being cool.

  • June 18, 2010, 8:27 p.m. CST


    by xsi kal

    ...Capone liked it, right? <br><br>:P

  • June 18, 2010, 8:36 p.m. CST

    I couldn't dis-agree more with this review ..

    by the_raftaman

    My wife and I just got back from seeing this movie, even after I had read this review. And I am really glad we didn't pay any heed to the review. First off .. My wife and I had never read any of the Jonah Hex comics .. so we were coming in with a total lack of info on the character. The reviewer totally missed the boat on where "Jonah" watched his family die. I'm pretty sure seeing them tied up, and a moment of flames .. and then panning back to a burning house .. Yeah he closed the door .. he watched them die. Get a clue. As for the battle between Jonah and John M in the middle .. Jonah was near death, and he said in a voice over when a person was near death they often saw how they might die. It was a vision. As for Megan Fox, I thought she was fine in the movie. She was in the movie almost as long as John Malkovitch .. so even if she herself called it a cameo, she was in it close to the beginning, middle and the end. When it was over, I asked my wife how she liked it. She said it was one of the best comic book movies she had seen in a long time. She wasn't ready for it to end. Neither was I. If you like Comic Book Movies go see it. Josh Brolin did an excellent job in the movie. I'm pretty sure that most of these "bad" reviews haven't even seen the movie.

  • June 18, 2010, 8:43 p.m. CST

    Read the review to my wife ..

    by the_raftaman

    And she say's the review is total bull shit.

  • June 18, 2010, 8:52 p.m. CST

    the_raftaman, how long have you worked for the studios?

    by Continentalop

    Yes, it was a vision...a pointless vision just to show an action scene. It reminds me of a softcore film where after 10 minutes without sex suddenly somebody would "fantasize' about banging some chick and they would cut to that to fill in the sex scene quota instead of figuring something usual to happen.

  • June 18, 2010, 9:07 p.m. CST

    Studios .. hah

    by the_raftaman

    I wish .. I've worked for a major telephone company since the ATT/Baby Bells broke up in 1983. Good one though. Typical of this site for anyone that likes a movie that the reviewer didnt .. to think that they work for the studio.

  • June 18, 2010, 9:14 p.m. CST

    This interview

    by halowiscious

    was one of the funniest and most honest I have ever read on here. I actually laughed so hard I had tears forming.

  • June 18, 2010, 9:22 p.m. CST

    More evidence that studio execs are fucking morons

    by D.Vader

    If they believe the reason this movie failed is bc they uglier up a handsome actor and went with a third-tier character and gave him a movie. <p>Fuck off. The reason this movie fails is because you gave it to a director who has never directed humans on camera before and because your marketing for this movie has been absolute SHIT! <p> All the ads I've seen have been terrible! You don't flash a line saying "He goes by one name" and follow that with a shot of a character yelling "Jonah Hex!!!" <p> Thats two names you mathematically challenged assholes.

  • June 18, 2010, 9:24 p.m. CST

    Well it isn't just the reviewer who didn't like it.

    by Continentalop

    I didn't like it, the people I saw it with didn't like it, Mattman Returns didn't like it, everyone else on this TB who saw it didn't like it, every review Ive read didn't like it...<p> But if you and your wife liked it more power to you.

  • June 18, 2010, 9:24 p.m. CST


    by johndillingers20inchseveredcock

    It's a shame. A good Jonah Hex movie is possible.

  • June 18, 2010, 9:41 p.m. CST

    Not a plant ..

    by the_raftaman

    You're right a good Jonah Hex movie is possible. It came out today.

  • June 18, 2010, 9:47 p.m. CST

    If they blame the movie's returns on Hex's face

    by deelzbub

    How stupid is that?<P> Maybe they should think about things like:<P> When you change the source material you WILL get backlash from the fans who LOVE the source material.<P> Hiring a crappy director<P> When you change the tone of a hard-R story to make it PG-13, you end up neutering the story<P> Jonah Hex is a bad-ass spaghetti-western bounty hunter with an outrageous scar on his face, which usually goes unexplained. Although the faithful know is was caused by a white-hot Apache tomahawk. NOT John Malkovich. Don't change his origin, don't give him supernatural powers to explain his run-ins with the supernatural.<P> Hollywood and the people that run it are generally clueless.

  • June 18, 2010, 10:16 p.m. CST

    sounds like

    by frank cotton

    a NyQuil flick

  • June 18, 2010, 10:19 p.m. CST

    This review kicks ass.

    by chrismata

    I'm not kidding. I really liked it.

  • June 18, 2010, 10:26 p.m. CST

    D. Vader, you are so right on!

    by Continentalop

    Because let me tell you, the audience wasn't turned off by Hex's face. Every time he was on screen people had at least one thing that might be at least half-way interesting. In fact, I think people found Brolin and the CHARACTER of Jonah Hex so interesting they were actually kind of hoping the movie would turn around and work. <P> So why did it bomb? Because the movie SUCKS! The plot sucks, the other characters and actors suck (Megan Fox really sucked but I will say this, she had NOTHING to work with), the directing suck, the fact that things just happened for no reason sucked, the music...surprisingly good...but the rest of the movie SUCKED! <P> And the add campaign sucked. Don't blame the fact it was a third tier comic book because the concept of Jonah Hex WORKS. You could see people wanting to like this...unfortunately it sucked.

  • June 18, 2010, 10:27 p.m. CST

    raftaman, a good Jonah Hex movie came out today?

    by Continentalop

    What is it called?

  • June 18, 2010, 10:44 p.m. CST

    Raftaman, I just got done porking your wife

    by MattmanReturns

    She said it was the best time she'd had since Jonah Hex. I'm not sure if I should take that as a complement or not.

  • June 18, 2010, 10:49 p.m. CST

    As for Jonah's face

    by MattmanReturns

    Let's pretend for a moment that his face is the only issue with this movie. I don't think anyone has a problem with a handsome actor being disfigured (Two Face in Dark Knight), but they do have a problem with goofy, unconvincing makeup. His face looks stupid. The piece of skin looks exactly like what it is: stretched rubber.

  • June 18, 2010, 10:57 p.m. CST

    Can't wait of the dvd release next month.

    by BurnedNotice_Dude

    Seriously. Very disappointed with how this came out. So much potential for sequels and a nice little franchise. Again. Ruined by people who don't know what the heck they are doing.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:14 p.m. CST

    ready the plant cannons!

    by a_man_called_horse

    Just got home from Jonah Hex. I was committed to sitting through a turd for the sake of supporting the character. But guess what? Every review i had read today was wrong. Seriously. They all said Malkovich phones it in, but his soft spoken maniac Turnbull is hilarious. I guess you can't be evil without telegraphing every line. They all said it's too short, implying something important is gone, meddling studio, blah blah, but this is a movie with zero fat. No establishing shots, nobody walks down a hallway or through the door. The effect is dizzying and totally original. Brolin's great. The tone is not Wild Wild West, the gadgets are one tiny little part of an everything and the kitchen sink movie. It takes every expected beat of a revenge movie, and instead of trying to put a twist on it, just nails it. It's every bloated shitty blockbuster without all the crap everybody usually complains about them leaving in. When the natives show up to save Hex halfway through, nobody says anything. No clumsy 'wise Indian' lines, no 'what's going on?' exposition. The whole thing lasts a minute. Just like it should.

  • June 18, 2010, 11:27 p.m. CST

    michael fassenbender?

    by stringerbell

    how did my man fair in this shit of a movie

  • June 18, 2010, 11:31 p.m. CST

    Saw it for free

    by Rev. Artemis Prime

    So glad I did too. Cause I woulda paid a dollar at redbox in 3 weeks to see it. And Capone, congrats. That is a PERFECT review of that movie. One of the most flawlessly accurate movie reviews I've ever read.

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  • June 18, 2010, 11:33 p.m. CST


    by Rev. Artemis Prime

    He didn't fair too bad. He didn't have a lot to do. And he was miscast and just played stereotypical crazy henchman #1. Shouldn't kill his career, but sure as hell won't help it.

  • June 19, 2010, 12:21 a.m. CST

    "You don't take a handsome actor and disgfigure him."

    by gotilk

    Do the words "fundamental disconnect" mean anything to those guys? JESUS! Do they REALLY think that was the problem here? How can people in control of that much power and money say something like that and no-one says anyth... oh. Wait. Studios, where egos go to grow and die at their own hands.

  • June 19, 2010, 12:41 a.m. CST

    I was thinking of seeing this until I saw it's rotten rating

    by darthSaul666

    Kinda shame really...

  • June 19, 2010, 12:42 a.m. CST

    a man called horse sounds like a plant!!!!

    by darthSaul666

    I would know!!!

  • June 19, 2010, 12:50 a.m. CST

    raftaman not so plant-y

    by darthSaul666

    probably just liked the flick... I will wait for the flick to hit TV or something

  • June 19, 2010, 12:54 a.m. CST

    DC Fans we can still have hope for the GREEN LANTERN!!!

    by darthSaul666

    Personally I hope that one has more in common with Batman than Catwoman!!!!

  • June 19, 2010, 12:56 a.m. CST

    "You don't take a handsome actor and disgfigure him." Really

    by darthSaul666

    MASK with ERIC STOLZ anyone? That argument is sooooo dumbass you should put the pacifier back in your mouth!!!!!

  • June 19, 2010, 12:59 a.m. CST

    I forgot the question mark at the end of my header

    by darthSaul666

    "You don't take a handsome actor and disgfigure him." Really? You're serious, right? Come on, really?

  • June 19, 2010, 1:04 a.m. CST

    Leonardo DiCaprio as Leatherface!!!!!

    by darthSaul666

    First on that one I bet!!!!

  • June 19, 2010, 1:28 a.m. CST

    Jonah Hex does not have powers in the comic, so...

    by Mr. Moe

    Pushing Daisies did come first.

  • June 19, 2010, 2 a.m. CST

    DarthSaul666 I know... seriously

    by gotilk

    do they REALLY think that's what's wrong with this movie? Completely disconnected with reality, audiences, expectations.. everything.

  • June 19, 2010, 4:25 a.m. CST


    by windomearle39

    They will show it as the in flight film on Englands return from South Africa. Then the "lads" will really have something to complain about. Algeria indeed. They may as well have sent Conference players.

  • June 19, 2010, 4:32 a.m. CST

    dc/warners needs to get their shit together

    by brabon300

    outside of batman, they have let all their characters be destroyed on the big screen<p> which is why im not looking forward to the green lantern movie<p>why have they not hired dini to oversee every project?<p>that man has yet to make a bad animated feature

  • June 19, 2010, 4:38 a.m. CST

    JONAH HEX turns out to be a bad movie

    by AsimovLives

    And who's exactly suprised with that? No, really, who is? People were hoping it to be good? Really?

  • June 19, 2010, 4:40 a.m. CST

    to those that say hex was not a popular character

    by brabon300

    he did sell well in the 70s<p> the vertigo series was well liked and had good sales<p>had they used the series as the basis for the plot, they wouldve done fine<p> hex suffered from the "hollywood knows better syndrome", or you could say it failed as a result of the gaiman theory<p>the closer you stay to the comic, the better the movie<p>hollywood doesnt know better....they did to hex exactly what they did to constantine....fucked up another iconic character<p>do not allow the preacher movie to be made...this is a warning

  • June 19, 2010, 6:28 a.m. CST

    Right on brabon

    by Star Hump

    Those Hollywood cocksuckers have such egos. "We can do it better." Not one of them has. Not one.

  • June 19, 2010, 6:37 a.m. CST

    AsimovLives, I don't think people were hoping

    by Continentalop

    As much as some people realized the project actually had potential.

  • June 19, 2010, 6:46 a.m. CST

    Or I should say the character had potential

    by Continentalop

    The bastard child of Snake Plissken and Gloria Grahame from the Big Heat, raised by 4 Godfathers - The Man With No Name, Josey Wales, Will Muney and the mother-fucking Duke, sees the same dermatologist as Harvey Dent/Two-Face, and stars in a movie that is part Spaghetti Western, part Quick and the Dead, and part Mad Max 2. <P> Yep, that could have worked.

  • June 19, 2010, 7:25 a.m. CST


    by AsimovLives

    Yes, it could had worked... but fromthe people who made it? I mean,a s soon the filmmaker team was assenbled, it should had been the first sign that this was not going to turn too god, was it? The only thing they did right was casting Josh Brolin as lead, and maybe Megan Fox for the ass and tits, though even that is debatable.

  • June 19, 2010, 7:27 a.m. CST

    I don't know, maybe i have...

    by AsimovLives

    ... an uncanny ability to read the writing in the wall. And i'm certainly not plagued with blind optimism.

  • June 19, 2010, 7:57 a.m. CST

    AsimovLives, I had little faith in this project

    by Continentalop

    But after Sherlock Holmes I was more than willing to give people a benefit of the doubt. <P> Of course, this film robbed me of my optimism again.

  • June 19, 2010, 8:09 a.m. CST

    I sat through it. I understood what was going on.

    by Dogwitch

    Wasn't on drugs, either. There are parts here and there where you go, "Huh? What's up with that?" But I remember doing that during the first HELLBOY 1, particularly during the eclipse sequences. Is it good? Not really. Except for Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Dean Morgan (yes, that was him), everyone's uniformly bad. But this is a movie with some OK moments (and terrible ones) that I predict will end up on guilty pleasure lists, like THE SHADOW or RESIDENT EVIL movies. It's no KICK-ASS, but it's no SPIRIT, either.

  • June 19, 2010, 8:34 a.m. CST

    Conti I left a message for you at your review

    by D.Vader

    Charleston is SC, not NC.

  • June 19, 2010, 8:43 a.m. CST

    Hell, I just want to know if we get to see Meegan's TITS??

    by JonChambers

  • June 19, 2010, 8:50 a.m. CST

    Jonah Hill IS Jonah Hex

    by PeanutButterSlut

    Jonah for Jonah is the remakboot. <p> He talks to his pooped out food, or the "dead spirits" of the food he has eaten, in order to get clues. <p> He has to get Malchovich to the Greek Saloon.

  • June 19, 2010, 8:51 a.m. CST


    by PeanutButterSlut

    I like no edit feature

  • June 19, 2010, 8:51 a.m. CST

    "I got this scar

    by PeanutButterSlut

    from a burger I wronged..." - Jonah Hill

  • June 19, 2010, 8:56 a.m. CST

    It's like Jonah is in this secret

    by PeanutButterSlut

    western era food lab, and this Cowboy guy is like "Workin on some stuff fer ya Hex" and the audience is like "whoa" when you see all these attempts at like modern day food, but with old school west-tech!! <p> Like 'ground beef' on cornbread making the FIRST burger! Or Jonah is like "I need something round, with dough and cheese. Lets do this" and he explodes dynamite in a brick house opening a whole to make the first brick oven style pizza - but w/ horse meat cause it Westernry! <p> And then he just eats a hoagie he got from soome Indians/audience laughs.

  • June 19, 2010, 8:58 a.m. CST

    "How you get that face?"

    by PeanutButterSlut

    "Same way you did, partner." <p> Jonah then proceeds to tell him that he needs to eat massive amounts of food for the next decade, adding in "...THEN you'll have my face, ok?"

  • June 19, 2010, 9:21 a.m. CST

    This incomprehensible review is STUPID

    by mistergreen

    As you know from watching Jonah Hex, people don't want to read or see things that don't make sense. So, this review only say you can't write.

  • June 19, 2010, 9:39 a.m. CST

    We can always hope

    by deelzbub

    for someone like Raimi, who might be a fan of Hex's, to pick up the reins, write (or adapt) a bad-ass script, and raise Jonah from mediocrity.<P> Hopefully this movie makes just enough money where that would be an option.

  • June 19, 2010, 9:42 a.m. CST

    Or better yet, adapt TWO GUN MOJO

    by deelzbub

    by Joe R Lansdale, like they should've done in the first goddamn place!

  • June 19, 2010, 9:47 a.m. CST


    by pr1c3y

    If you read that review in Vince Vaughn's voice you may ejaculaugh.

  • June 19, 2010, 9:52 a.m. CST

    On the Megan Fox question.

    by Dogwitch

    No, you don't get any nudity. movie came out there was none. But you know those glimpses of a sex scene they had in the trailers? There's not even that in the movie. They must have really had to cut the movie to death to get the PG-13 rating, even though otherwise, I didn't think it looked that butchered. She's still in that corset for the most of her scenes in the movie, looking good (and giving more evidence to that plastic surgery theory). People just need to let themselves age naturally.

  • June 19, 2010, 10:34 a.m. CST

    Any movie with horse guns can't be all bad.

    by BurnHollywood

    I never wanted either a horse or gatlings until I saw it's all I can think about.<p> The JONAH HEX trailer taught me to dream again...

  • June 19, 2010, 11:06 a.m. CST

    AsimovLives, I Was Hoping . . .

    by Dave I

    The people making it didn't inspire me with confidence, but I was hoping. I'm neutral on Megan Fox, she wasn't the headlining character, I figured I could ignore her if she sucked, if she was o.k., sure, whatever. Josh Brolin, I wasn't aware of the wife-beating rumors, but thought he could work. Then I saw the first pics where he wasn't horribly disfigured, and I got kind of worried, but maybe they could CGI it to be more faithful. Then I read preliminary reviews, but maybe it would not be THAT bad. Then I heard about the horse gatlin guns, gadget guns (because, you know, somehow dynamite guns are more effective than just shooting guys), and then more reviews and sort of thought maybe it would be bad but JUST good enough for them to salvage some burning ember of what was faithful to the character and somehow brush off the supernatural, Go-Go-Gadget Guns, and eventually make a more Clint Eastwood type of cynical anti-hero Western movie with him sans all the extra added crap. I'm not holding my breath though. <p><p>So, until VERY recently, I still had some hope it would have at its heart some great character moments, as my limited exposure to Johan Hex has me really fond of the character. As of now, screw it. I just hope Hollywood somehow gets the message. The problem is apparently not the comics, the character, or the concept, it's how you screwed it up by not just using it based on what makes the story compelling. We do not need all that extra crap to make it exciting, it just makes us loathe and detest what you do to well-done creations. I doubt they'll actually get the message, but one can only hope. <p><p>-Cheers

  • June 19, 2010, 12:15 p.m. CST

    "You don't take a handsome actor and disgfigure him."

    by Knuckleduster

    Wow. And these are the people who are in charge of our popular entertainment. Hey, genius, you might want to consider the possibility that nobody went to see your movie because they all saw that shitty trailer and could smell a turd on the horizon. Here's an idea: Get competent people to make your movies. Get directors who know what the word "directing" means. Read the goddamn script before you greenlight. Don't give a human character supernatural powers just because that character originated from a comic book. <p> What next? A "Road to Perdition" sequel with Tom Hanks shooting fireballs from his ass? Your movie bombed because you're fuckin idiots.

  • June 19, 2010, 12:19 p.m. CST

    What pisses me off the most...

    by Knuckleduster

    ... is that we'll have to wait at least 20 years before anyone even dreams of making another Jonah Hex film. Fucktards.

  • June 19, 2010, 12:41 p.m. CST

    PASSION OF THE CHRIST live-flog @ 8 pm PST


    Hey all, I will be live-flogging Mel Gibson's PASSION OF THE CHRIST tonight at 8 pm pacific standard time. For anyone who wants to join in the blasphemous fun, I present my recipe for Cheeses of Nazareth Nachos (AKA Gnostic Nachos):<p>1/2 pound Velveeta cheese (cubed)<p>1 cup shredded pepper jack cheese<p>1 cup fresh shredded Parmesan cheese<p>1 cup shredded colby cheese<p>1 "hellish" habenero chili (or 1 "Judas" jalapeno)<p>1 can "resurrected" refried beans<p>1 can "children of God" chili<p>1 package "tasty temptation" tortilla chips<p>Optional: "Mount of" olives,1 chopped "ordained" onion, and 1 cup "sacred" sour cream. And don't forget to wear a "shroud of Turin" bib, as these nachos are messy! Oh, and be prepared for a "poop-Pieta"!

  • June 19, 2010, 1:44 p.m. CST


    by johndillingers20inchseveredcock

    I wasn't calling you a plant. You liked the movie, fine. It was directed at the review. Sarcastically. I know what ended up on screen is too much of a departure from the source material for me to support with my money, which is pretty scarce. Jonah talking to dead people, for instance? Really? Just make a cowboy talking to dead people movie and DON'T call it "Jonah Hex".

  • June 19, 2010, 2:03 p.m. CST

    The chance of being in movies like "Jonah Hex"...

    by conspiracy

    is the Singular reason you should never, EVER bad mouth the people who by and large made you a household matter how huge a douchebag they are. Especially when you got that first gig based on how well you washed a damned car.</p><p>Fucking idiot.

  • June 19, 2010, 2:04 p.m. CST

    I s'ppose Ebert's wrong again...

    by Foucault

    Fanboys should be poisoned

  • June 19, 2010, 2:37 p.m. CST

    I can't wait to see the 2 hour 15 minute "Dicrectors" cut

    by conspiracy

    A Horse with Gatling Guns, an actress desperate for a career long than 15 minutes, and 50+ minutes of cut footage = hot NC-17 saddle soaped quadruped action.

  • June 19, 2010, 2:51 p.m. CST

    WB and "Lessons Learned"

    by Dave I

    Oh brother. <p><p>1) They actually thought he was TOO HORRIFIC LOOKING?!!!!!!!! HE WASN'T DISFIGURED ENOUGH! HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE A SUPERMODEL, HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE A DISFIGURED ANTI-HEROIC COWBOY!!!!!!!!!! This means you have not learned squat! <p><p>2) They are claiming the character was "never that popular" and shouldn't have a pic, while summarily casting him as a minor character in the DC Universe of stars? Then why make him? And why turn it into something radically different, then blame the character when most (all?) of the gripes stem from your lack of confidence in letting the character develop as the one people actually like enough to buy & read the comics about in the first place? <p><p>3) Blaming the Character and NOT What You Did With It. My favorite part is their utter dismissal of the character while seeming to admit it was "over the top" only to stem the tides that they knew were coming with everybody already saying that. They HAD to admit that. Still, it is a character that has worked in the comics enough for you to keep it around, it did not cost that much, yet you changed things, arguably wasted more money on CGI the supernatural element you invented that has no part in the character's history at all while not making a compelling enough disfigurement (or apparently script, editor, sense of direction, or just about anything else), nor even examining what made the character and his story work. <p><p>Really, please don't make any more non-conventional comic book characters into movies. It is clear you do not know what you are doing, and when they fail you cite some lessons learned that have nothing to do with why fans did not like your movie in the first place. In a way, that overreaction is what really burns as it means you'll go back to making safe, predictable crap, but at least you'll be making crap that hopefully won't tarnish beloved underground properties so that maybe somebody else can produce them and do them justice, or at least it will keep fans from having false hope of a decent production of characters a/o properties they cherish on some level. Seriously, go bugger off and consider why the movie REALLY failed instead of blaming the character or the comic you adapted by disregarding just about everything that made it special in the first place. As for now, I am inclined to think that the higher-ups at Warner Brothers do not have a clue. <p><p>-Cheers

  • June 19, 2010, 6:25 p.m. CST

    why would brolin want to fuck fox

    by brabon300

    when he has lane at home?<p>dont care if lane is in her 40s, when she is 100 she will still be sexier than that skank

  • June 19, 2010, 7:58 p.m. CST

    I'm going to be honest...

    by GimpInMyPants

    I only read the first sentence of the first few paragraphs. Thanks for the warning.

  • June 19, 2010, 9:39 p.m. CST

    Low Budget comic Superhero Webseries

    by Hirbs007

    Hey not sure if this kosher, but I created a low budget webseries about a quirky superhero who happens to be the last son of Zeus. Check it out if you get the chance, the first episode is only 4 min ODNamedPABLO

  • June 19, 2010, 9:42 p.m. CST

    Comic Greek Mythology based Webseries

    by Hirbs007

    Hey not sure if this kosher, but I created a low budget webseries about a quirky superhero who happens to be the last son of Zeus. Check it out if you get the chance, the first episode is only 4 min ODNamedPABLO

  • June 19, 2010, 9:56 p.m. CST

    Brolin probably did this for his agent

    by Redmond

    Happens every time an actor hits it big with the critical films, their agent nags them about getting into an action franchise that they can keep going back to while they pursue their artistic movies. Happened with Charlize Theron ("Aeon Flux"), Halle Berry ("Catwoman"), Gyllenhaal ("Prince of Persia") and Angelina Jolie ("Tomb Raider"). Matt Damon with the Bourne movies is one of the few that seems to have made it work. And, yeah, Bentley went the drug route after AB and basically became unemployable.

  • June 19, 2010, 10:23 p.m. CST

    LOHAN comparison a little harsh

    by frank cotton

  • June 20, 2010, midnight CST

    Diane at the premiere


    get out the tissues

  • June 20, 2010, 12:03 a.m. CST

    Easiest movie to make...

    by andrew coleman

    And they fucked it up. I could write a Jonah Hex screenplay in a day! But because I have no connections I can't write shit. This movie was so confusingly bad I mean a good movie was there but they ignored that and made something else and I'm not sure why. I hope there is a directors cut in DVD form in the future like daredevil and that might explain some things.

  • June 20, 2010, 12:23 a.m. CST

    Bad film but hey...

    by Sithtastic

    The expression "pushed out the door like a gay son in a Mormon household" has entered my lexicon, so I suppose its a mixed blessing.

  • Just want to make sure that these hilarious jokes are going to be an ongoing theme. Its just sooo edgy! ...sheesh.... I want my 2 minutes back. HACK writing at its finest.

  • June 20, 2010, 7:52 a.m. CST

    I guess nobody ever read "Weird Western" by DC

    by Dark Doom

    This was a good adaptation of the old Hex from DC's Weird Western series. Not the retconned bullshit or the reboot ass cheese. I liked it, better than avatard or a whole handful of other hollywood crap. Take your transformers, avatards, GI Joe etc. Hex was fine, better than most of us assholes could do...

  • June 20, 2010, 8:10 a.m. CST

    It Will Only Make 6 Million, Or Less, For The Weekend

    by Media Messiah

    Who exactly asked for this movie anyway? I have always hated "Jonah Hex". I never liked the look of the character.

  • June 20, 2010, 9:21 a.m. CST

    An episode of deadwood is better

    by Powerring

    by a mile. WTF were they thinking? "Hey! I have a bad idea, lets make a half-assed comic movie" "Hey! I can make the idea shittier! Lets put Megan Fox in it and make it 80 minutes long!" A fusion of staggeringly bad ideas that will guarantee this movie flops, even on dvd.

  • June 20, 2010, 9:41 a.m. CST

    Whoever said that Josh Brolin was handsome?

    by Coughlins Laws

    I like him as an actor but never once have I thought of him as "handsome". He's kind of ruggedly ugly if you ask me...

  • June 20, 2010, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Jennifer's Body DID fail because of Megan Fox. No one

    by Coughlins Laws

    wants to see her in a movie. She's hot and guys can jerk off to here airbrushed pictures online. But why would anyone pay to see her horrible acting in a movie, especially knowing she has such contempt for her fans...

  • June 20, 2010, 12:14 p.m. CST

    $5,085m...what a bomb.

    by PennsyDeux

    Instant Razzie contender, though.

  • June 20, 2010, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Jennifer's Body was fucking garbage

    by Broseph

    i bought it for $5 bux @ a hollywood video going out of buisness sale and never even saw it from the begining.i woke up and my roomate was watching it so it half wau through but that was enough to convince me it was pure shite.the whole we're an indie band and we're all so cute so we're gonna sacrifice you for fame was the most retarded fucking thing i've ever seen or heard in a movie.i hate that i even saw it because it pisses me off thinking of how fucking piss poor that scenewas think somebody who's won an oscar for a best screenplay would write such dribble is fucking pathetic.and clearly megan fox needs to get her head out of her ass and use the gifts she has her looks.i think if that movie had her nude through out it would've done better.luckily i was able to trade it in for $2.25 store credit and get murderball for $2.50.a week later i'm in the store i see it the recently used section priced at $12.99 fuckers

  • June 20, 2010, 12:24 p.m. CST

    Coughlins Laws--perfect

    by Powerring

    My sentiments exactly. There must be a thousand starlets that are as hot---or hotter looking that can act. She should stay out of movies. maybe she can do some kind of lame sitcom. She could be the ho of the week on 2 1/2 men or something. Or she could be a shoe-in for another Kelly Bundy.

  • June 20, 2010, 1:05 p.m. CST

    Jonah Hex is one of my favorite comics

    by Superponte

    what they have done to it is embarassing. Hex is supposed to be in the vein of the old Clint Eastwood Westerns. Only one iteration of the character had supernatural powers, and that version was stillborn in the comics too. What a goddamn waste of a good comic.

  • June 20, 2010, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Jonah Hex movie to comics is...

    by Powerring

    Like Joel Schumacher to batman. He destroyed the image and nearly sank the franchise. Hex is DOA.

  • June 20, 2010, 3:01 p.m. CST

    PowerRing, I think she already was on 2 & 1/2 Men

    by Coughlins Laws

    She played the niece of the Housekeeper or something and both Charlie and his brother wanted to fuck her but were afraid to be left alone with her cause she was 16 or something...

  • June 20, 2010, 3:03 p.m. CST

    She's kind of like Lindsay Lohan. She was wicked hot

    by Coughlins Laws

    as a teenager but she's aging horribly in her twenties. Add to that her awful tattoos, including her loser boyfriend's face tattooed next to her hoo-ha, and she just comes off as trashy...

  • June 20, 2010, 3:46 p.m. CST

    Makes you wonder who were the group of people...

    by HollywoodHellraiser

    that paid to see this shit? I mean $5-$6 million is still $5-$6 MILLION DOLLARS!!!!<p>Who are these assholes and why aren't their names in the newspapers with the rest of the scumbags, pedophiles, and crooked politicians!<p>WTF?!?!

  • June 20, 2010, 4:23 p.m. CST

    The Megan Fox Experiment is officially OVER

    by Mennen

  • June 20, 2010, 5:31 p.m. CST

    Lohan looks like shit...

    by Powerring

    She needs braces-her teeth are a mile apart from each other. She looks like a crack baby that has been found in a dumpster.

  • June 20, 2010, 5:39 p.m. CST

    Well I bet those people where fans of the comic and

    by UltraTron

    books. They were hoping for the best I got screwed.

  • June 20, 2010, 6:07 p.m. CST

    I want to see the Cut they had before the stupid Reshoots

    by milesdyson

    The God Awful Dragonball Super Weapon shit came from those reshoots. And they hacked up that cool looking fist fight between Hex and Turnbull and made it into a "DREAM" that made no sense. That was supposed to be the original ending.

  • June 20, 2010, 6:13 p.m. CST

    re:The Megan Fox Experiment is officially OVER!

    by HollywoodHellraiser

    Was there doubts before that Megan Fox was NEVER a box-office draw?<p>I can't believe people bought into the fact that Megan Fox NOT being in TFINO was going to kill the franchise! LOL Forget Jennifer Body, forget that shit and realize that TFINO was never about Megan Fox or Shia LeBeef!<p>I reckon Jaden Smith is next!<p>You know Jaden Smith handlers probably believe the kid was the only reason the remake made money!<p>I imagine Jackie Chan people is telling him that he was the star of the movie! LOL

  • June 20, 2010, 11:35 p.m. CST

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  • June 21, 2010, 7:44 a.m. CST

    Megan Fox Should Fire Her Agents!!!

    by Media Messiah

    I would have never picked "Jennifer's Body" for her, or "Jonah Hex". Her agents are destroying, or have successfully destroyed, her career. There is tremendous untapped talent in this young woman; she is a stand-out, but accepting big paychecks over quality (projects) productions, and scripts, is a sure recipe for disaster.<BR><BR>She needs to immediately part ways with her agents, and do a few independent films, a period piece, a romantic film, and a romantic comedy, a thriller, an adult sex comedy, maybe another venture into the SF and Fantasy genres, a musical, and a ensemble film. She needs to diversify her career and choices therein...and share the screen with ensemble casts, and do lower budget films where she gets an opportunity to take chances acting wise without the whole success or failure of the film resting on her shoulders, or even partly on her shoulders. If some of these films fail, the blame will not be on her, but if they succeed, she can claim some responsibility for that success. That is how the game is played in Hollywood by the smart people who are on, or looking for, a career rebound. <BR><BR>I would love to see her play the Bo Derek role in a remake of "10" that would be perfect for her, well, for a start--with Robert Downey Jr. for the Dudley Moore role.

  • June 21, 2010, 8:05 a.m. CST

    "tremendous untapped talent"

    by Powerring

    ...At what point, in what movie or Tv show has she shown this? I have seen no evidence of Fox's potential talent. Someone with actual talent would have shown through -somewhere- but not her. He only untapped talent may be to do porn.

  • June 21, 2010, 9:35 a.m. CST

    Get A Life

    by Dennis_OFletcher

    I love how you guys go into a movie like Jonah expecting high art. Its a freaking comic book movie based on an iffy comic at best. When one of you clowns writes and directs a movie then I can't wait to see it.

  • June 21, 2010, 9:47 a.m. CST

    Josh Brolin's Cock just called.......

    by DangerDave

    and said that he is still fucking Diana Lane in his million dollar house. <P> Life is good.

  • June 21, 2010, 5:11 p.m. CST

    it was 'worth' seeing!

    by Messyjoe

    Ok as I said above, I went to see it and I liked it! More importantly the audience I was in liked it, with favorable comments heard on the way out. If however people listen to crappy reviews, it will only make up its money on DVDs, when finally people will be sure to discover it. Now the important part. This movie was no worse no matter how you look at it then many other action films. There is no 'gut' reason to badmouth it any more then normal. So the negativity expressed is surprising! Re Megan Fox, women hate her for being beautiful, which is shameful. This was a small part, and she did fine. And I truly believe she can be a prominent actor, but only if people don't come at her with hate. There is nothing she did that she should get that reaction. You say you don't like her tatoos? Every 18 yr girl in the country has a fucking tattoo! She is 'not' slutty, does not take drugs, and is steady with one guy. So presumably these are all hateful qualities. It would be unfortunate if her career ended before she had a chance to really shine. Fuck you haters! She is doing her best in the small part and has nothing to apologize for. As for guys who hate her, it is ok to be gay. And no you can't always have someone who is attractive. Being unattainable is not a reason to dump on someone. I wish Megan Fox good luck and wish her to stay with it, in spite of these negative opinions. I predict she will make people take back their words. And getting out of Transformers 'was' a good career move.

  • June 21, 2010, 10:08 p.m. CST

    this movie is produced by AKIVA GOLDSMAN and MATT LEBLANC from F

    by sasquatch_with_a_swatch_watch

    Akiva Goldsman wrote the scripts for the shittest comics adaptations of all time. WHY is this guy still in charge of making ANY DC movie?? How much money do you have to have, how many dicks has he sucked, HE PUT NIPPLES ON THE BATSUIT How do you make colossal failures like Lost in Space and bring about the downfall of the Bat franchise and still be allowed to make movies? someone explain this, please.

  • June 22, 2010, 3:35 a.m. CST

    "Ah ain't much tuh be owned"

    by Those_arent_pillows

    Wuhst suthun accent evvah, yalls!

  • June 22, 2010, 3:50 a.m. CST

    Talent free (tm)

    by Powerring

    The worst actress of the decade! She has proven Talent free (TM). I agree she should stick to airbrushed maxim spreads and stay out of movies. She is easily the latest Tara Reid or Paris Hilton. "Oh look! She's trying to act! "

  • June 23, 2010, 7:03 a.m. CST

    Wait for the Directors Cut DVD....maybe

    by Ddaddy36

    I thought Hex was watchable, though I only saw it because I had to kill 90 minutes while waiting for someone. I didn't like at all how the sped through the beginning. It almost felt like you were watching Jonah Hex 2. Another 15-20 minutes of background story and explanation of the terrorist plot would have helped. There is some potential there for a spaghetti western with supernatural elements.