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Victor Kros -vs- JONAH HEX!!

Merrick here...
My man Victor Kros got a look at JONAH HEX recently and wanted to share some his with our readers. The film, from HORTON HEARS A WHO director Jimmy Hayward & written by CRANK maestros Neveldine/Taylor, opens mid June - we got our first look at its trailer LATE LAST WEEK.
While JONAH's release date is still over a month and a half away or so, there's still room for some last minute tweaking - so please keep that in mind when reading the below assessment. Although, it's safe to say what Victor saw is pretty close to the final thing.
Here's Victor Kros with a few quick musings...
- Megan Fox (Leila) doesn't show the goods- unfortunate for clearly playing a prostitute. Very family friendly. She gets one decent action scene shooting some guns. - While John Malkovich (Turnbull) is an excellent actor, he's put on a few extra pounds for his role and sadly he is a very weakly written villain with no depth. Definitely doesn't feel like a worthy adversary to Jonah, in fact his henchman Michael Fassbender (Burke) is infinitely more effective at giving Jonah a real life threatening fight. - Josh Brolin makes a great Jonah Hex, he pulls off the traits needed to be Jonah including gritting his teeth when he talks and the Clint Eastwood "eye squint". Man of a few words and swift action. - The opening sequence is killer. Great use of unique weaponry and very much the feel of a classic western. Really sets up Jonah's role as a bounty hunter up well. - I enjoyed the way they handled Jonah "talking to the dead" by temporarily reanimating corpses through physical contact. The "dead" burn up depending on how long they've been dead or buried and can be temporarily healed by dirt. - Will Arnett makes an interesting yet under-used addition as a U.S. General (I think?) - Jonah Hex uses some unique weaponry but you expect to see more of it. Mostly dependent on a hatchet and standard pistols. All in all it looks and feels very Wild, Wild, West without going too far over the top with the comedic elements - it tries to be more believable. Jonah Hex is very much the look and style of a good western but seems to lack the depth and character driven action sequences to hold up to say The Quick and The Dead (1995). I think it's a decent movie but definitely going to end up being more appreciated on DVD. It just lacks the big budget action to make it as a blockbuster hit like other DC properties. We'll see how the final product turns out.

Readers Talkback
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  • May 5, 2010, 12:01 p.m. CST

    Get vern to review this

    by yourSTEPDADDY

    ...So i can laugh like i did wit his wild things four review. hilarious!

  • May 5, 2010, 12:01 p.m. CST

    first

    by hirst

    ??

  • May 5, 2010, 12:01 p.m. CST

    First that I...

    by Darryl_Revok

    have heard about it.

  • May 5, 2010, 12:01 p.m. CST

    fuck it!!!!

    by hirst

  • May 5, 2010, 12:02 p.m. CST

    first

    by donkingkong

  • May 5, 2010, 12:02 p.m. CST

    That was...

    by cinemixtape.com

    an incredibly well-written review!

  • May 5, 2010, 12:02 p.m. CST

    damn it

    by donkingkong

  • May 5, 2010, 12:03 p.m. CST

    looks ok

    by donkingkong

  • May 5, 2010, 12:03 p.m. CST

    Still Sounds Awful

    by Dave I

    More so compared to the source material. Sorry, but it's going to be hard to let that slide. Well, that and horse-with-Gatling-guns.<p><p>-Cheers

  • May 5, 2010, 12:04 p.m. CST

    kick ass sucked

    by listo65

    I was expecting an awesome story about "real world" super heroes, but kick ass was more stereotypical then the first spiderman. Hex is going to be no different.

  • May 5, 2010, 12:10 p.m. CST

    ...First posters suck

    by yourSTEPDADDY

    ...Especially if ya dont actually get it...

  • May 5, 2010, 12:11 p.m. CST

    how about the soundtrack?

    by deelzbub

    A mediocre movie can be brought up a notch or two with an awesome soundtrack? How did Mastodon do?

  • May 5, 2010, 12:15 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox is movie napalm . . .

    by oaser

    I fucking hate that baboon-ass-lipped bitch. They should've gone with a much stronger actress.

  • May 5, 2010, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Also saw this over the weekend

    by Bathman

    not bad and not good, it was like in the middle somewhere, i can't see anyone hating it, but i can't see too many loving it. It's more like a time filler and if i had to compare it to a recent film in terms of fun factor i'd say I had the same feeling walking out that i had with The Losers - Didn't love it but it was a fun way to waste 2 hours

  • May 5, 2010, 12:27 p.m. CST

    If it lacks the depth of Quick & The Dead . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . it sure as hell aint "decent."

  • May 5, 2010, 12:49 p.m. CST

    ...Geektard, hell yes!

    by yourSTEPDADDY

    ...Sharon Stone? a "cool" Russel Crow? lance henrickson?keith david (i think)? hoyea!

  • May 5, 2010, 12:49 p.m. CST

    Most fun????

    by jason2304

    Quick and the Dead more fun than Tombstone??? I think not sir.

  • May 5, 2010, 12:59 p.m. CST

    "It tries to be more believable"

    by Magnus Greel

    Yes, as believable as a movie with re-animated corpses and dual mounted Gatling guns on a horse can be.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:01 p.m. CST

    QUICK AND THE DEAD

    by blackwood

    I love that movie.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:07 p.m. CST

    Man, I totally agree about Megan Fox.

    by fatjesuschrysler

    While fairly easy on the eyes, she just sucks. Why would you cast actors with some talent like Brolin, Malchovich, and then throw in her? Sure I'll go see a bad movie if there's a pretty lady in it, but it would take a lot to get me in a theatre for a bad movie with a terrible actress. I was kinda lookin forward to this as I found the supernatural/western theme kinda cool, and I dig Mastodon and was curious about there soundtrack. Anyway, I'm not condemning yet, but I'll probably make this a dollar movie night.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:14 p.m. CST

    Jonah Hex = DCs Ghost Rider

    by Abominable Snowcone

    That's how it looks to me.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:27 p.m. CST

    DCs Ghost Rider?!?

    by Stalkeye

    In other words; "straight-to-video'.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:29 p.m. CST

    in other words

    by SirBiatchReturns

    S H I T E

  • May 5, 2010, 1:30 p.m. CST

    Don't worry people, Fox will produce the puppies

    by barnaby jones

    right about the time work starts to dry up. Which i'm guessing will be 6-12 months.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:39 p.m. CST

    Looks shitty.

    by fiester

    But then I've never understood the appeal of this character.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:48 p.m. CST

    The Horton Hears a Who director?!?!

    by D.Vader

    Oh God...

  • May 5, 2010, 2:20 p.m. CST

    If it's "written" by the shit responsible for "Crank"...

    by JackPumpkinhead

    ...then what do you expect? Uwe Boll, save us.

  • May 5, 2010, 2:23 p.m. CST

    Quick and the Dead is MUCH more fun than this

    by MattmanReturns

    That comparison is going to give people the wrong idea. Jonah Hex is not fun or stylish in anyway.

  • May 5, 2010, 2:37 p.m. CST

    Gene Hackman was in Quick and The Dead

    by fiester

    So that right there makes it better. <p> Also: who would win in a gunfight: Gene Hackman's character from Unforgiven or Gene Hackman's character from The Quick and The Dead?

  • May 5, 2010, 2:39 p.m. CST

    HA!

    by twogunjames

    I love how the "reviewer" tried to sound positive in the face of comparing it to wild wild west. Nice try. No sale.

  • May 5, 2010, 2:41 p.m. CST

    I want to like Malkovitch...

    by fiester

    But the guy has been on a really shitty steak of late. He looks lost, like he doesn't know what kind of actor he wants to be anymore. He needs a new agent or something.

  • May 5, 2010, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Quick & the Dead ain't shit...

    by ebonic_plague

    ...compared to Tombstone. Which isn't to say Q&TD is bad, but it's still < Tombstone. You know it, I know it, the American people know it. (/Dole) <p> And while I haven't seen enough old westerns to know which is objectively "the best," my favorite is the Wild Bunch, by far.

  • May 5, 2010, 2:49 p.m. CST

    This review is too nice

    by GhostDad

    The movie is a pile of shit. I don't even know the source material, so I could care less about changes between the comic and movie, it just completely fails as a movie.

  • May 5, 2010, 2:57 p.m. CST

    GhostDad, my thoughts exactly

    by MattmanReturns

    I don't care much about the changes either. In fact, I think the whole talking to the dead thing is a cool concept. They just didn't try very hard.

  • It's a goofy movie that campy and fun--not a great western by any means.

  • May 5, 2010, 3:12 p.m. CST

    No one will see another Megan Fox movie till she shows her tits

    by EddieMurphysLaugh

  • May 5, 2010, 4:03 p.m. CST

    Will Arnette as a baddie

    by gotilk

    is great casting. Unfortunately wasted here, from what's been said so far.

  • May 5, 2010, 4:40 p.m. CST

    Didn't mind the supernatural stuff

    by GhostDad

    I actually wanted MORE supernatural. He talks to the dead, but that's it.. it's a deus ex machina to get him where he needs to be in the script. If Malkovich's character also had "one foot in the other world" or whatever, and there was a supernatural subplot, it would have worked. Instead we get "the first terrorists!" attacking DC with an absurdly ridiculous weapon and a final fight between Hex and his long term nemesis that lasts for like 2 seconds of punching each other.

  • jesus h

  • how old are you?

  • May 5, 2010, 5:06 p.m. CST

    whats worse

    by WINONA_RYDERS_PUSSY_JUICE

    the blue thundersmurf navi or jonah hexes halloween mask rubber shit elmer glued to his face

  • May 5, 2010, 5:08 p.m. CST

    and they shoulda made this movie

    by WINONA_RYDERS_PUSSY_JUICE

    more stylized imo like 300 or watchmen. it loks like a fuckin episode of Deadwood

  • May 5, 2010, 5:09 p.m. CST

    Flop

    by sheepshagger

    cant really see this appealing to the masses

  • May 5, 2010, 5:37 p.m. CST

    No, it does not look like an episode of Deadwood

    by Stegman84

    If it did it might actually have been on the right track, rather than being the slicked up action movie pg-13 source material ignoring try hard piece of shit that it so clearly looks to be. A Jonah Hex movie should look and feel like The Outlaw Josey Wales or High Plains Drifter in feel and style, instead it feels like the wicky wicky Wild Wild West, and that is not a good thing. At all.

  • May 5, 2010, 5:38 p.m. CST

    Fucking Horrid!

    by DubiousB

    I seen this movie about a month ago and it was basically finished. It was one of the worst films I have seen in last few years. Brolin was great but other then that it was fucking horrid. Acting was horrible, SFX were horrible. It is edited for pg13 which made the film even suck more cause it tamed the one thing that could have saved it. It could have been awesome by being a gritty revenge western with a supernatural addition but no... the studio even had to fuck up the Mastadon score which was also fucking horrible.

  • May 5, 2010, 6:06 p.m. CST

    how about YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT...

    by Acid_Frio

    ....this review sounds like its based off the trailer

  • May 5, 2010, 6:25 p.m. CST

    Villains used to be reliably great!

    by Drath

    What the fuck is wrong with Hollywood that they would ruin a villain in this kind of movie? I hope this is wrong or they fix it in reshoots. Not that weak writing is something reshoots can fix usually...

  • May 5, 2010, 7:02 p.m. CST

    Winona have you even seen Deadwood?

    by MattmanReturns

    If you had, I'm pretty sure you never would have made that statement. Deadwood is hard-R violence and nudity with grand philosophical dialogue and great cinematography. This is a watered down PG-13 mess with a hero who makes jokes at his dog and can talk to dead people.

  • May 5, 2010, 7:03 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox is fucking ugly. Seriously.

    by dr sauch

    She always looks greasy and red, and she's just awful in everything. I understand she's very skinny, but that does not a hottie make.

  • May 5, 2010, 7:24 p.m. CST

    A movie made for retards

    by MainMan2001

  • May 5, 2010, 7:39 p.m. CST

    I for one have gotta see this

    by Psycho_Kenshin

    John Malkovich is the villain! Ever heard of the movie Eragon?? Thats right!

  • May 5, 2010, 7:51 p.m. CST

    Gatlin guns mounted on a horse

    by Mr_Fancy_Pants

    is not Jonah Hex. This shoulda been a bloody 'R' rated movie.

  • May 5, 2010, 7:58 p.m. CST

    Neveldine/Taylor

    by pr1c3y

    Deserve a lot more respect they're visual geniuses when it comes to films, I feel anyway.

  • May 5, 2010, 8:18 p.m. CST

    You had me at Deadwood

    by deelzbub

    apt analogy or not, I'm there!

  • May 5, 2010, 8:20 p.m. CST

    Gatling is a gun

    by deelzbub

    Gatlin is a country singer. You mean Jonah's horse has got the Gatlin Brothers tied to it? sounds great!

  • May 5, 2010, 8:49 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox ...

    by madCanada

    ... Is one of the least interesting human beings on the planet. She's like the new Estella Warren. Why does she exist?

  • May 5, 2010, 9:17 p.m. CST

    Can you solve the Riddler's riddles?

    by dcsmith

    give it a shot here: http://tinyurl.com/378ew9n

  • ...I would be happily entertained for many hours. Two just plain damn watchable westerns.

  • May 5, 2010, 10:34 p.m. CST

    Hell, throw in Siverado...

    by Chewtoy

    And I don't have to leave the house that day.

  • May 6, 2010, 12:34 a.m. CST

    Sounds like Bland Shit. Never should have been made.

    by JonChambers

    We're left with the question, "Well, who at the studio FUCKED OVER THAT SCRIPT?"

  • May 6, 2010, 2:06 a.m. CST

    Acid_Frio

    by Victor_Kros

    I did see the movie, I wrote this review prior to the trailer release and in fact I even expanded on this review with the title "Jonah's Hexed" after the trailer was released online which spoiled pretty much everything and since you're too stupid to realize that, I'll even repost it for you ------ I've seen this movie already, don't believe me google the test screening in Los Angeles at the Bridge last Sunday. With that being said. Here's highlights. Megan Fox (Leila) doesn't show the goods- unfortunate for clearly playing a prostitute. Very family friendly. She gets one decent action scene shooting some guns which you've already scene in the trailer that is over before it really goes anywhere. In fact most of the action in this movie is over before it gets started. This probably means they pissed away their production budget on the visual effects rather than decent and practical fight cheorography. It's very clear this movie feels like it was made on a made for television shoe-string budget. While John Malkovich (Turnbull) is an excellent actor, he's put on a few extra pounds for his role and sadly he is a very weakly written villain with no depth. Definately doesn't feel like a worthy advisary to Jonah, in fact his henchman Michael Fassbender (Burke) is more effective at giving Jonah a real life threatening fight. Probably the best fight in the movie. Josh Brolin makes a great Jonah Hex, he pulls off the traits needed to be Jonah including gritting his teeth when he talks and the Clint Eastwood "eye squint". Man of a few words and swift action. He is the only part of this flick worth watching. Everyone else is utterly useless, created only to progress the lackluster and confusing plot. The supernatural elements are here but they don't go anywhere substantial. This movie literally has Jonah in it and doesn't know what the hell to do with his "special abilities" so they just toss out ideas and fish for something they think works. The bird coming out of his mouth has no reason or explaination whatsoever. The opening sequence is killer. Since the damn trailer has already spoiled it, the gatling guns are great but they're used once and briefly done. Such a shame along with his other unique weaponry. I enjoyed the way they handled Jonah "talking to the dead" by temporaryly reanimating corpses through physical contact. (also spoiled in the trailer) All in all it looks and feels very Wild, Wild, West without going too far over the top with the comedic elements - it tries and fails by the third act to be more believable. Once you learn about the knock off dragonballs, it's downhill from there folks. Jonah Hex is very much the look and style of a good western at first but lacks the depth and character driven action sequences to hold up to say The Quick and The Dead (1995). Trust me, it was a superior movie. Wait for the dvd and go see something better. Don't literally buy the hype of the "sizzle" trailer which gives away the only bits of this film worth paying to see in the theater leaving you nothing to be surprised about. It's another cheap way for Warner Bros to attempt to cash in on DC's weaker roster of anti-heroes. This is no Batman Begins or The Dark Knight, hell it's not even Superman Returns it's actually worse if you can imagine that. Oh and once again Megan Fox DOES NOT show the goods, she doesn't have "on screen" sex. If you're going for Fox's goodies, you're going to be severely disappointed more so than Jennifer's Body which showed more skin. She might be hot when all her horrendous tats are covered up but she's still as lifeless as her cardboard standees. Jonah's hexed, don't fall under the spell of a typical bullshit spun action trailer trying to hold it together.

  • May 6, 2010, 2:16 a.m. CST

    twogunjames

    by Victor_Kros

    Actually nothing about Wild, Wild, West was even remotely believable so compared to that piece of comedic trash (although I did like the set/prop designs), Jonah Hex does try to be more realistic (supernatural elements aside) and not a slapstick comedy. As for the comparison to The Quick and The Dead, the context was that this film wants to be a more serious western but lacks the believability and character depth that The Quick and the Dead contained, not to mention well - the stronger casting and superior direction. Abominable Snowcone - Ghost Rider had more action, this film severely lacks in that department, stripped down to an obvious T&A free PG-13. I'd say this is the type of movie that's just above what you'd see on SyFy in terms of quality but in terms of story, feels right at home there. deelzbub - I forgot to add a "g", sue me. Ghostdad, you're right it is too nice but I was trying to be fair and not just point out the film's weaknesses. It's easy to tear something apart than it is to actually try to give it a fair critique which is what a review should be not just an excuse to blast something because "you" (in general) personally didn't care for it. There are few things to like however brief but honestly I agree with general opinion, definately wait for the dvd. Lastly, Geektard I couldn't agree more about Tombstone and The Quick and the Dead.

  • May 6, 2010, 2:20 a.m. CST

    why is Megan Fox such a prude?

    by The_Crimson_King

    not that I'm a particular fan or anything, but would it kill her to at least show her titties? how painfully lame

  • May 6, 2010, 2:25 a.m. CST

    Crimson_King

    by Victor_Kros

    Google and download the "on set spyshots" of her filming Jennifer's Body nude at the lake, do a little brightness and contrast adjustment in photoshop and you'll get a real nice view of the goods through the useless "pasties" over her nips. No more mystery.

  • May 6, 2010, 2:34 a.m. CST

    spacing in talkbacks

    by Victor_Kros

    I still haven't figured out how to break up paragraphs in a talkback, strangly enough. Maybe it will work this time.

  • May 6, 2010, 2:35 a.m. CST

    by Victor_Kros

    Is it an embedde HTML code thing or what? I'd love to know.

  • May 6, 2010, 2:35 a.m. CST

    by Victor_Kros

    Is it an embedded HTML code thing or what? I'd love to know.

  • May 6, 2010, 2:38 a.m. CST

    Another summer flop.....

    by sam jacksons wig

    ....I have said this before but the quality of movies this year is absolutely poxy! Even Iron Man 2 (although watchable) didn't deliver the goods everyone hoped it would. They have shoe-horned Megan Fox into this for one reason: to put bums on seats in the 14-25 male wank brigade demographic. (Oh, and Harry will no doubt LOVE this movie..)

  • May 6, 2010, 3:36 a.m. CST

    Doomed to flop

    by ugh

    Jonah Hex -- Not scarred enough, especially around the right eye and cheek. Malkovich -- underwrite his role = well acted sleepwalking vs. his normal awesomeness. And say what you will about Megan Fox, but I think she's nailed her role (at least from what is seen in the trailer). The trailer itself makes the film look soft enough to pass for a PG rating when it should have been a "hard" PG-13 at the least.

  • May 6, 2010, 6:59 a.m. CST

    I'll pass

    by The StarWolf

    When friends were watching the trailer, they burst out laughing in a couple of places. Given this isn't supposed to be a comedy, I'm taking this as a bad sign. For one thing, since when does Hex talk to the dead? He's NEVER done that in the comic. And those horse-mounted gatlings? In the running for one of the year's SILLIEST movie moments.

  • May 6, 2010, 7:40 a.m. CST

    Spacing in the talkback is accomplished by using:

    by Chewtoy

    (pointy bracket)br(pointy bracket)<br><br> You need to use two of those commands to leave a blank line in-between paragraphs.

  • May 6, 2010, 7:51 a.m. CST

    Nice Review

    by BeyondStatic

    Very well put. That was kind of my feeling after seeing the trailer. Josh Brolin was born to play a cowboy! He's the new Eastwood. (yeah, I said it!)

  • May 6, 2010, 7:53 a.m. CST

    Re:Crimson_King

    by BeyondStatic

    Sometimes a little tease is nice. We all want to see it, and she knows it. She's flirting with us, and we're loving it - despite it being frustrating. But once she takes her top off there's no going back.

  • May 6, 2010, 8:30 a.m. CST

    She showed the goods...

    by film11

    ...in anotyher movie that I can't remember the title of. If it matters, do a search.

  • May 6, 2010, 8:56 a.m. CST

    Let's go!

    by sasago

    ~Sadly, My boyfriend left me a month ago, we used to love each other deeply....All changed now! But i'm young ,beautiful,lonely and still hurting.i may be in need of someone to love..still.. My friends told me about AgeGapLove.Com and i got curious about it.. they met their boyfriends there.It's the best place to meet an older boyfriend or a younger girlfriend. i cant risk myself. So i got a usename(Anny888) there in order to find a new boyfriend.is it wrong?

  • May 6, 2010, 10:13 a.m. CST

    Guns on the horse...

    by Homer Sexual

    Pretty much says "this is crap." Cause it's so ridiculous. The comic is hard-edged and this is clearly softie, with Hex not even all that scarred up, and having the obligatory (I guess) pre-scar, family-loving Jonah. Please don't let this be as bad as WWW or Ghost Rider. Also, I've always liked Quick and the Dead, so glad others enjoy it as well.

  • May 6, 2010, 11:53 a.m. CST

    Yep, this is officially dead.

    by loodabagel

    Didn't know they got the Horton Hears a Who guy. I think my roller coaster ride of anticipation is over. First, they got Josh Brolin. (awesome) Then, they got Megan Fox (shit) Then, they got John Malkovich (awesome) Then Mastodon was doing the soundtrack (awesome) Then I saw that Nevildine/Taylor wrote it (super-shit) Then I saw the trailer. (super-duper-shit-fuck.)

  • May 6, 2010, 2:07 p.m. CST

    FROM THE DIRECTOR OF HORTON HEARS A WHO!!!

    by Series7

    YES!!! Thats a must see line if I've ever heard one.