Movie News

We have a bunch of reviews of JONAH HEX! Things aren't looking up for the gunslinger...

Published at: April 27, 2010, 12:58 a.m. CST by quint

Ahoy, squirts! Quint here. Recently, an early screening of Jonah Hex was held and it seems like a ton of AICNers were in attendance as we've gotten a half-dozen reviews from this screening. And the consensus isn't all that happy. Seems Mr. Hex might be floundering a bit... one of the below reviewers predicts this film will be considered one of the worst films of 2010 and the comparisons to WILD WILD WEST are abound. Let's dive in... beware of spoilers and keep in mind this is from a test screening and this isn't the finished cut. There may still be tweaks.
Hey Harry, Just got back from a test screening of Jonah Hex and figured you might want to hear about it. I'll try to keep this spoiler light but honestly there isn't much in the film you can't see coming a mile away. Basic plot outline, Josh Brolin plays a bounty hunter that looks like Two-Face. Origin story as told by serpia toned flashbacks: Used to fight for the South, didn't like the orders he was being given, so he turned on his squad, shot his Captain's son and then the Captain killed Jonah's family and burned his face. The Captain played by John Malkovich turns up (after having thought to be dead) with a new rebel army and a secret weapon. Government hires Hex to stop him. That's basically the whole film. The Good: Josh Brolin - does a great job as Jonah. The character is a mix of The Man with No Name and John Constantine. He’ll kill a few guys silently, say a short sarcastic one liner and then pick up a dead guy and interrogate his rotting spirit. He’s pretty good throughout the whole thing. The Opening Scene – Easily the best part of the film. Walks into a town and kills tons of people in a pretty badass fashion. Megan Fox – Honestly never been a fan, make jokes about her acting just like everyone else. But she actually does an alright job here. That said though, she basically gets three scenes. One with Jonah (which is supposed to establish a relationship but then she doesn’t see him again until the end), one with a bad guy and then she gets to show up at the climax and fire some guns (though does a good job). Michael Fassbender- Plays the main henchman, gets a nice little intro and then plays crazy second in command the rest of the film. The Bad: The Villain – I’m going to lean more on the writing but Malkovich seems to have phoned in his performance here. At one point he has to deliver his epic evil speech to his troops at the end, and he might as well of been sitting down reading the script for the first time. That said, he can only do what he’s given and that’s not much. He gets generic leader lines and shoots one or two people. No real depth and far from scary. The Ending – Okay so *SPOILER* here, basically the film decides that the magic element isn’t interesting enough. So instead they have the main problem be that Malkovich’s character has discovered and assembled this really big canon that he’s mounted on a boat and it fires what appears to be a dragonball and it makes whole towns explode. He is about to blow up Washington on the Eve of Independence Day when Jonah shows up to stop him. Every guy is shot and taken care of in seconds, Jonah wrestles Malkovich for a few seconds, manages to jam the canon and them ship blows up and that’s it. Honestly, although I hate to say it, the whole ending made me think of Wild Wild West. Same kind of look and feel, and just as uninteresting. *SPOILER END* The Generic: Everything else – Aside from some of Jonah’s dialogue, the writing is pretty plain and paint by numbers. He has a best friend he helped free from slavery we see once because he sells weapons like a new crossbow looking pistol that fires exploding bullets. Then we see the guy once at the end. No one really has much depth aside from Hex. The peak of the action is the opening scene and then from there it ranges from just “okay” to “was that really the best you thought up?”. There is about a 15 minute scene half way through where Jonah needs info so he goes to this guy who runs a boxing/fighting arena. They have a quick discussion and the whole time it keeps cutting back to this fight between a big guy and the “rattlesnake” which looked like something from the Descent except he did Kung-Fu. It goes on for a while and Jonah doesn’t even get any real info. The biggest disappointment I found is the magic, Jonah uses it to talk to a few dead guys throughout the film. Then there is a Native American scene where you get the crow barfing shot. They should have just gone that route and used it more, would have made it way more interesting. It was a test screening so not all the CGI was fine tuned but the whole film seemed done aside from a few shots. I know Mastodon is supposed to be doing the score and the first half of the film the music was pretty good but I did notice that during the whole climax the music being used was from 300 so guess that is still being worked on? Could be wrong though, but hopefully I’m not and they are going to change it. Movie is worth a watch for Brolin but honestly you could leave after the opening. (Also, they decided Jonah needed a pet dog, not sure why.)
Here's Jim "The Grit Kisser" Mitchner with his thoughts:
Hey Harry, I've never written before, but just got back from a screening of Jonah Hex. It seemed pretty late stage, some of the sound effects werent there, and some CGI wasn't finished but a lot of it was already done. I hadn't seen much on the site, and frankly before the other day this one wasn't even on my radar. I went into the screening knowing very little about the film, or the comic it's based on other than it's a western about a bounty hunter with a scarred face and there was a supernatural element. As for the film i know that Josh Brolin and John Malkovich starred which was enough to pique my interest. Even with low expectations this film was a complete and utter mess. For those not in the know, the film starts off with a scene, and animated back story sets things up. Jonah Hex(josh brolin) is a former Civil War soldier who fought for the south who's now a bounty hunter. He's got a nasty scar on his face that was given to him by his former commanding officer, Turnbull played by John Malcovich, as retaliation for killing Turnbull's son. Oh yeah, and for some reason he can talk to the dead. The movie started out fairly strong. The opening animation was very well done and sets up a lot of backstory in a way that doesnt waste a lot of time and lets us jump in with the character. There's also a couple of scenes that really show you how much of a bad-ass Jonah Hex is. At this point i was stoked, because although it was clearly aiming for PG-13, there was some good violence and the character of Jonah Hex is very well set up and though its a bit one dimensional Brolin gives a solid performance and does well with the material he's given. But very quickly the plot devolves into almost literally the exact same basic plot as Wild Wild West. I wish I was joking, but I'm not. As the film goes on there are two scenes are very very similar to scenes in Sherlock Holmes, and the film slips from something with some very real potential to an overly simple and far too familiar low rent summer action movie. The bad: I love Will Arnett, but he is horribly miscast here. He tries to have some gravitas here, but it was hard to separate Will Arnett and Gob Bluth and it took me out of the film in every scene. Maybe this wouldnt be as big of an issue to a non Arnett fan. A real serious problem is that both John Malkovich and Josh Brolin are great actors they're playing their parts from different places and together it just doesnt work. Josh Brolin is playing things pretty straight and very reserved, where Malkovich plays it pretty campy and its like oil and water. Megan Fox is as dull and cardboard as you'd expect her to be. There was lots of other things that really didn't work, mostly some obvious wink wink nudge nudge moments, and a couple moments where its clear the film makers think their audience is dumb and need things spelled out to them in awkward monologues. It's not all bad though, it's shot really well, the sets are great, and Brolin does a decent turn. But all in all, they've got their work cut out for them if they're going to try to fix this. If you decide to use this, can you credit me as Jim "The Grit Kisser" Mitchner?
And this is "Mattman."
Just caught a screening of Jonah Hex at The Promenade at Howard Hughes Center in Los Angeles. We were told we were among the first to see the film. Effects were unfinished and the music was temporary (no sign of Mastodon), using some tracks from 3:10 to Yuma. The editing lacked polish, but I'm not sure any amount of polish or music can help this turd. The first scene introduces us to an overly happy Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) and his smiling wife and daughter. About five seconds later, Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) bursts through the door, says some shit to the audience, err, to Jonah about how he wants revenge for Jonah killing his son in the Civil War. He forces Jonah to watch as his wife and daughter are burned alive, and then sticks a branding iron in Jonah's cheek. Cut to a very crude opening title sequence that is possibly meant to resemble comic book illustrations... I'm not exactly sure. It looked more like storyboard art, probably temporary. Years later Jonah is a badass gunslinger wandering from town to town. He's badly scarred, with some horrible rubber piece of skin stretching from one lip to the other. I know it's straight out of the comic, but the makeup is terrible, and clearly attempting to emulate Two-Face from Dark Knight, only without the aid of CG. It doesn't work at all, and it doesn't help that Jonah's ugly mug fills the screen for the majority of the film. Anyway, he kills a bunch of people with a chain gun and some annoying superfast editing, establishing that he's awesome. The death of Jonah's family doesn't seem like such a big deal, since he's now regularly banging prostitute-with-a-heart-of-gold Megan Fox, who is dearly devoted to him for some unexplained reason. She appears at random points throughout the film, sporting a horrible southern accent (I think that's what she was going for), until it's time for her to get kidnapped and become a distressing damsel. Her character undermines the supposed tortured Jonah, who should be constantly mourning the tragic loss of his family while focused on destroying everyone responsible. But when you're plugging Megan Fox, who really gives a shit? Eventually we learn, without any prior indication, that Jonah can wake and interrogate the dead, like a less subtle version of that Asian guy in Lost. Handy talent. The origin of this fascinating supernatural ability isn't deemed worthy of any real explanation, aside from a throwaway line about how Jonah "came close to death" once. Apparently if you almost die, you can wake up dead people by touching them. Cool. Meanwhile, Malkovich gets his hands on some glowy orange balls that blow shit up real good and concocts a giant, chain-cannon mounted on a steel ship that looks like a design rejected from Wild Wild West (this film can't even successfully ripoff a BAD movie, let alone good ones). His plan? "Alright boys, let's blow up Washington D.C.!" Makes sense. If you're evil and come into possession of inexplicable nuclear balls, first thing you're gonna wanna do is blow up Washington. Jonah gets recruited by the president to save the day. He grumbles and growls his reluctance (cuz he's too cool to just say yes), and then proceeds to save the day, quite easily, and with a little bit of Young Anakin Skywalker dumbluck. I can tolerate a mediocre plot as long as I'm not bored out of my skull, but Jonah Hex meanders aimlessly for the majority of its runtime before finally reaching a VERY standard save the girl, stop the weapon of mass destruction, and kill the badguy climax. The random attempts at humor feel out of place in what should be a dark story. Jonah mumbles quips at his horse, and then collects an ugly stray dog and stares earnestly at it and grunts. A scene lingers on him trying to figure out what to say to the dog, before finally settling with, "I got nothing to say to you." The supernatural elements are few and far between, and ultimately feel out of place. This could have had a Dark Tower vibe to it, but instead it just feels like a standard western with the occasional weird magic shit thrown in. At one point, after another near death experience, Jonah has a dream about his dead wife and daughter, and then a raven literally flies out of his mouth. It makes no sense and is never explained. Apart from Josh Brolin, who does a serviceable job despite his distracting makeup, the acting is generally awful. Malkovich looks like he's tired of life. Fox looks like she's had one ambien too many. Michael Fassbender, who was amazing in Inglourious Basterds, plays an Irish villain who prances around the streets with a ridiculously exaggerated accent. He chases Hex around with a lit stick of dynamite before tossing it in the air and letting it explode above him. The film is littered with this kind of random nonsense. Possibly the worst crime of all is the movie has no distinctive style. The cinematography is flat as can be. In a western, I expect everything to be larger than life. I loved the dark look of the poster, but that's not this movie. Everything is bright and sunny. Also, while some very nasty things occur, you don't actually see any of it. This is a very PG-13 movie, despite it's dark themes, and there's never any real sense of danger. I was really looking forward to this. Jonah Hex is an interesting character deserving of something far better than this. As it stands, audiences previously unfamiliar with Hex will be left wondering why he deserved a movie at all. I'm Mattman.
Yikes. Now here's "SCRW WZRD."
Hey Harry, Yesterday at the Bridge, in Los Angeles, there were two screenings of "Jonah Hex." They claim we were the first to see the movie. I won't spoil anything beyond the setup (first five min or so of the film) in this review. To keep it short, "Jonah Hex" is really bland. There's not a lot that's particularly bad, but there's hardly anything that's really good. The story follows Jonah Hex, who has been recruited by the US Government to hunt down Quentin Turnbull, who aims to bring America to its knees on the centenial. The film has a really good pace, coming in around 80 minutes. There are no confusing or convoluted sub-plots; it's really bare bones and straight forward. And although there isn't really any depth to the characters, they are consistent; they dont act out of character. That said, it's just bland. The climax is really boring, there is no romance (despite their weak attempts), and the movie just really lacks character moments. Like I said earlier, there's not a lot that's just BAD, but by far the worst part of the movie was this exposition scene at the beginning. Three stupid old me sit around a campfire and spell out the story of Jonah Hex, and holy cow it does NOT END. They spell out EVERYTHING. You can tell it was tacked on from the re-shoots because it tells just about every cool thing that is later revealed. For example, there's this great scene, the first time we see Hex talk to a dead person. The way it's set up, it would have been a really awesome reveal! But we already know he can talk to the dead because the three old men told us about 5 minutes into the movie. The scene really talks down to the audience and says nothing that isnt more creatively revealed later. The other BAD is Megan Fox. Now, I dont like Megan Fox but I give everyone a chance. Like Will Arnett. Job has a serious roll in "Jonah Hex," but I gave him a chance and he pulled it off pretty well! But man, Fox is just so flat! She does nothing except look hot in a really sexy prostitute outfit. As an actor, she never makes the character likable. Even though she's badass in some scenes, she's always cold. Contrast this with Josh Brolin, who is fantastic as Jonah Hex. Here's this ugly man who is full of hate, but he still manages to crack some wit and charm through the disgusting scars on his face. Josh Brolin really is great as Jonah Hex. He delivers a really strong performance that's awesome and even emotional when necessary. He's also got wonderful one liners and some kick ass weapons, which you see in the SyFy preview that hit the web this morning. A lot of that preview (the daylight shots) is from the opening scene, which is just wonderful. If only the rest of the movie was like the opening! It's got a great tone and it's tons of fun. The opening is sadly one of the best scenes, and certainly the best action scene, in the movie. I have to wonder if the rest of the film looked like this opening before re-shoots, because it really sticks out from the rest of the film. There aren't a lot of scenes that look or feel like it. On Chud last week, someone pondered if he'd be writing another story comparing "Jonah Hex" to the superior shooting script, and I have a hunch that's a yes. So overall, "Jonah Hex" was a big "meh." If you post this, call me "SCRW WZRD"
And probably the most negative of them all:
Harry, We met briefly last year at comic-con after the Nick Simmons (*cough*plagarizingdouchebag*cough*) show at the hard rock hotel. In a convenient segue, I also met one of my favorite comic writers that night, Jimmy Palmiotti. Jonah Hex is one of the few comics I read regularly, and as a fan, I was excited to see a sneak preview of the upcoming film. Unfortunately, it was a complete disaster. Anyone who loves the comic needs to stay far, far away from this film. It’s a heartbreaker. Jesus, where to start? The short version is this: The film is more “Wild, Wild West” than “Fistful of Dollars”. Instead of creating a simple revenge tale steeped in spaghetti western style, they’ve created a goofy, supernatural, formulaic mess that involves a “nation destroying” super weapon created by Eli Whitney. (that is not a typo. Apparently the cotton gin guy also created super weapons, go figure.) The departures from source material come early and often, and are extremely silly. Gone are Hex’s abusive alcoholic father and abandonment to Indians that disfigure him in a coming of age ritual. In their place is a happy and idyllic Indian wife and son that are ripped from his arms and set ablaze by his nemesis, Quentin Turnbull, within the first 5 minutes. After an exposition packed credit sequence that explains Hex was rescued by Indians, given the power to speak to the dead (more on that later!) and has been chasing Turnbull for years only to have the old bastard to die in a hotel fire before he could exact his revenge (?!) we are plunked into a classic Hex scene— Having delivered the bodies of several wanted men to the local authorities, the mayor attempts to lawyer his way out of paying. Upset, Hex demands his pay and the mayor commands his men to “cut him down!”. (Listen closely, kids! This is where it gets good…) instead of pulling his pistols with lightning speed, Hex rears his horse up to reveal MASSIVE GATLING GUNS mounted to each side! The horse (a painfully obvious stuffed fake on a pivot joint) waves back and forth as Hex dutifully cranks away, gunning down the entire group. I shit you not. The entire audience let out a collective “What. The. Fuck.” It was at this point that all the studio people got up and left. Too bad, because later, he gets mini-crossbow guns that shoot dynamite! I’m sure they wish they hadn’t missed that… In the most bizarre change from source material, Hex can speak to the dead. He literally grabs them, and they reanimate, made fully flesh, and he interrogates them for information. Handy! I’ve only been reading Hex since the relaunch, but I never saw any stupid, supernatural bullshit where he could communicate with the deceased. This one was baffling to me. Why do this? He’s a gunslinger and a bounty hunter. You can’t tell an interesting story with that? You have to make him supernatural? It’s revealed that Turnbull (in another phoned-in performance by Malkovich, SIGH) is still alive and is raiding government trains and depots for the parts needed to recreate the previously mentioned super weapon, with the ultimate goal of destroying the united states (on the fourth of July!!!!!!111eleventy1!terrorist!!americafuckyeah!) Once assembled and placed on his warship, however, the design looks like a multi-barreled cannon that was rejected from “Wild, Wild West”. The icing on the cake comes when Turnbull prepares to fire on the newly constructed Capitol Building. Looking through the aiming reticule we see that it is not a crosshair, but is shaped JUST LIKE THE CAPITOL BUILDING! And look at that, it fits perfectly around the Capitol! That’s gotta be a sure shot, right? (I wish I was making this shit up.) The performances are uneven and painful. Brolin manages to be watchable, and the delivery of some of his lines is exactly as I’d imaged the character to be, but ultimately his performance falls flat. As stated, Malkovich phones it in, spotty southern accent and all. And Fox is a throw away, both in performance and necessity to the “story”. (she’s a hooker, but you know she has a heart of gold because after each trick, she puts her money in a little box with a picture of a farm in it! GROAN!) The truth is, the studio knows it has a dog on its hands. The studio reps tucked in the upper corner of the theater left after the howling reaction to the horse mounted gatling guns, and the entire questionnaire was geared towards the problems of the film. Specific questions asked for least favorite elements, what should be changed and where the movie was least enjoyable. Sadly, there’s no fixing this one. The problems are deeply rooted, and can’t be solved with an edit. Massive reshoots would be required, and that’s not going to happen before the 18th of June. Be prepared, folks. It’s early in the year, but I think this could be the worst film of 2010.
So, yeah. All in all, things aren't looking up for Mr. Hex. The positive consensus seemed to be that Brolin brings his all, Megan Fox is hot and the flick is well shot. The negative consensus seems to be everything else. Hope they tweak this one a bit. I'd love it if they eeked out a win with some careful editing and reshoots, but I think we're going to be stuck with a something closer to the reviews posted above. -Quint quint@aintitcool.com Follow Me On Twitter



Readers Talkback

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  • April 27, 2010, 1:09 a.m. CST

    Here's to another crappy summer.

    by onezeroone

    At least we got IM2 and Inception.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:11 a.m. CST

    Jonah's hexed, all right!

    by Zardoz

    Too bad, I was looking forward to this since it was shot in NOLA.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:12 a.m. CST

    This just in!

    by Nerd Rage

    Josh Brolin Fires Agent who is revealed to be Harrys_Toxic_Fecal_Spray3000.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:13 a.m. CST

    Gob is in this?

    by Jimbonx

    lol

  • April 27, 2010, 1:14 a.m. CST

    There is no bad Malkovich performance

    by Anything But Tangerines

    Malkovich is infallible, his mere presence elevates any material.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:14 a.m. CST

    Great...they "rebooted" Wild,Wild West and made it even worse...

    by Jobacca

    Does that about sum it up? Too bad,because the few Hex comics I've read have been pretty badass-this could have been awesome,if only DC had someone in Hollywood that actually gave a shit about protecting their properties...instead of just letting Warner Bros. rape them up the ass. Oh well...throw this one on the scrap pile right next to Catwoman and Batman and Robin.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:19 a.m. CST

    BATTLEFIELD EARTH AWARD OF 2010???

    by Mullah Omar

    I hope this is as shitty as IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE, which was the last truly bad film I saw. Every once in a while I like to see something staggeringly bad to make me appreciate the other films I see. This sounds like a winner in that respect.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:23 a.m. CST

    Um, it's called Jonah Hex

    by RPLocke

    No wonder its shit.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:27 a.m. CST

    No shock

    by Powerring

    Megan Fox was involved.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:28 a.m. CST

    HOW ANY STUDIO CAN STOP BAD BUZZ EARLY REVIEWS AT AICN :

    by JonChambers

    OK, all you studio PR folks - LISTEN UP! If you've got a stinker on your hands, just strike an early deal with Ain't It Cool News to fly a few fans to the first screening! That will give you the chance to GET A PRESS EMBARGO HERE AT AICN! Just think: No more early preview Bad Buzz like for Jonah Hex!! The site WON'T be able to print anything negative til the weekend your movie opens! Just like THE WOLF MAN, and many others! Better than using writer-plants! So fly Harry to your filmset, and get those Press Embargos ON! Fans will have to go to other sites to get advance, real word on new flicks-in-progress, script reviews, etc. I'm not knocking Harry - just that AICN isn't what it was two years ago. Back then - Nothing was off limits, except holding back the truth on whether a movie was good or bad...

  • April 27, 2010, 1:32 a.m. CST

    Harrys_Toxic_Fecal_Spray3000

    by mcclaneriggs

    Um, so your logic is that these peoples' opinions are meaningless but then... not. Kudos on a well-reasoned, intelligent addition to this talk-back. "Creative shit joke in my name, check. Random insult in my title, check. Contradictory statement in my text, check." How is that you find time to mine the recesses of that creative mind for such brilliance with all the fucking your clearly doing? Oh that's right. You're getting laid less than any of these "nerds."

  • April 27, 2010, 1:38 a.m. CST

    Blood Meridian

    by Box_Bruceleitner

    Josh Brolin would have been far better suited to the "Glanton" role in Blood Meridian than stupid sounding shit like Jonah Hex.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:52 a.m. CST

    Lost me at sepia.

    by OutlawsDelejos

    Oh it's a flashback scene. We get to use SEPIA!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

  • April 27, 2010, 1:54 a.m. CST

    Quint

    by D o o d

    You can't polish a turd.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:54 a.m. CST

    Will Arnett on Law and Order: SVU.

    by Rev. Slappy

    I recently watched an older rerun of SVU where Will Arnett played a travel agent who was helping men smuggle young boys into NYC to keep as sex slaves. It's nearly impossible for me to accept Arnett in a non-comedy role, so that SVU plays really, really weird for me.

  • April 27, 2010, 2:01 a.m. CST

    About what I expected

    by solanine

    More interested in the score than the movie.

  • April 27, 2010, 2:03 a.m. CST

    AICN isn't what it was a week ago!

    by solanine

    Fuckin sellouts!

  • April 27, 2010, 2:17 a.m. CST

    Sucks for Brolin

    by liljuniorbrown

    He was on a roll with American Gangster,No Country for old men, and Milk. I was really hoping this would be the opposite of Wild Wild West, an almost straight up western with just a bit of supernatural elements to it. Oh well.

  • April 27, 2010, 2:32 a.m. CST

    Brolin in American Gangster

    by Box_Bruceleitner

    He was easily the best part about that by-the-numbers but still entertaining flick.

  • April 27, 2010, 2:33 a.m. CST

    Shame: Fassbender hasn't let me down yet

    by palimpsest

    He's great in HUNGER, INGLORIOUS and in CENTURION. Does that have a US release date yet?

  • April 27, 2010, 2:35 a.m. CST

    palimpsest

    by Box_Bruceleitner

    You've seen Centurion? How was it? Looks gritty and fun.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:03 a.m. CST

    Did they do a good job hiding

    by Xiphos_2

    Fox's adman's apple and 5 o'clock shadow?

  • April 27, 2010, 3:07 a.m. CST

    Xiphos_2, I'm afraid not

    by MattmanReturns

    But they did a good job of hiding her massive toe-thumbs. I was really looking for them.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:19 a.m. CST

    Fuck shit wanker......

    by sam jacksons wig

    Back at the end of last year (because I am a sad act with too much free time on my hands)I wrote a list of the movies I wanted to see in 2010. So far it has been like this- Up in the Air (great) Bad Lieutenant (great) Edge of Darkness (mediocre) Clash of the titans (shit beyond words) Alice in Wonderland (piss poor) The Wolfman (utter bollocking garbage)Legion (filth, just sewer shit filth) Shuuter Island (excellent) The book of Eli (by the numbers boring tripe) From Paris with love (Rubillant) Green zone (meh) How to train your dragon (awesome!!!) Kick ass (double awesome) and date night (pants..... just formulaic mind numbing pants). Jonah Hex was also on the list, and I shouldn't be suprised at the reviews considering that most of the above are well below the quality of last years releases. Oh well, another flick ruined in the name of the almighty dollar.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:19 a.m. CST

    "She puts her money in a little box with a picture of a farm in

    by Guitar Heroine

    That one had me howling.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:24 a.m. CST

    Fuck This, I'm Reading a Book.

    by DOGSOUP

  • April 27, 2010, 3:25 a.m. CST

    Still to come on the list.....

    by sam jacksons wig

    A nightmare on Elm Street (oh god, I hope it's alright...) Season of the Witch (Nick has gone 2 for 2 this year, so it will be fun to watch him fall back into bollock-ness) Harry Potter 7 (anyone who says they won't go and see this is lying- DO YOU HEAR ME????) I love you Phillip Morris (Jim Carrey as a clown-queer? What's not to like?) Iron Man 2 (If this is not good then I will burn down the theatre) Robin Hood (I liken this to picking a scab... you just have to) The expendables (fuck- why not???)

  • April 27, 2010, 3:30 a.m. CST

    Listen closely and we can hear Tom Jane breathing a sign of reli

    by DOGSOUP

  • April 27, 2010, 4:01 a.m. CST

    Fuck this shit

    by Phategod2

    where are the Ironman 2 reviews

  • April 27, 2010, 4:06 a.m. CST

    I'm not seeing Harry Potter

    by Phategod2

    The last one was the only one I saw in the theater and I was As Bored watching that one as I was with all the others. HP is some pretty Boring shit on Film With the exception of The Tournament one.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:27 a.m. CST

    "Tweaking movies after screenings"

    by Thrillhouse77

    When has this idea EVER worked? Can you name me, oh I don't know, 5 examples where a movie that was said to be utter shit was tweaked and it became anything other than a still-unwatchable shit storm? <p> The idea that anything can help this movie from being a fucking travesty is laughable. And yes, without even having to see it, you can smell the shit from a mile away.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:47 a.m. CST

    Joe Lansdale's run on the comic

    by Ecto-1

    I loved Joe Lansdale's run on the comic and would have loved to see this approach taken.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:59 a.m. CST

    Oh, this movie is bad?

    by AsimovLives

    No, really? What an unexpected news!! Will wonders ever cease?<br><br>No, really, who in here was harboring delusions this one was going to be any good?

  • April 27, 2010, 5:16 a.m. CST

    Mullah Omar

    by AsimovLives

    You didn't saw any of the Mickey Bay's TRANSFORMERS movie,s then.

  • April 27, 2010, 5:19 a.m. CST

    Thrillhouse77

    by AsimovLives

    The idea of twicking near release is the actions of desperate studio executives and filmakers who didn't had the foresight to see that the movie they were making was doomed from the start. This mostly happens with dumb ass stupid movies which were designed exclusively to be money coughing machines designed for the so-called minimum common denominator audience, as in, dumbed down movies made by people who think audiences are made of retards. The twicking is the actions of people, specially studio people, desperatew to keep up their jobs. Jobs which they shouldn't had in the first place.

  • April 27, 2010, 5:22 a.m. CST

    I don't have much hope for

    by NippleEffect

    Solomon Kane either

  • April 27, 2010, 5:26 a.m. CST

    Tom Jane had a bullet dogged for him

    by liljuniorbrown

    He should send Brolin a big fruit basket with the word SUCK IT written out in blueberries and kiwi's. Jane was able to avoid a two fer in the bad comic movie zone.

  • April 27, 2010, 5:33 a.m. CST

    NippleEffect

    by AsimovLives

    Why didn't you had hope for SOLOMON KANE? What was in it that made you skeptic? Because frankly, for me, everything that was about it was good news. I had hopes, and they were realised.<br><br>i have to admit, something that puzzles me a lot about many people in here is, so it seems, their inability or unwillingness to see the writing in the wall, either the good or the bad news.

  • April 27, 2010, 5:36 a.m. CST

    liljuniorbrown, speaking of Thomas Jane...

    by AsimovLives

    ... is it me or it looks like Thomas Jane and James Purefoy were seperated at birth?

  • April 27, 2010, 5:46 a.m. CST

    Nerd, yes.

    by gotilk

    But I'm about as unfucked as a studio head's cock.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:12 a.m. CST

    MattmanReturns

    by AsimovLives

    Are you telling that Megan Fox is a short woman with massive toes? That's a pretty creppy imagery right there!

  • April 27, 2010, 6:20 a.m. CST

    Horse Mounted Gatling guns

    by savagedave

    Sold!

  • April 27, 2010, 6:20 a.m. CST

    I can't believe this film isn't great!

    by kells

    Oh, wait...yes, I can.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:24 a.m. CST

    MattmanReturns

    by AsimovLives

    "A scene lingers on him trying to figure out what to say to the dog, before finally settling with, "I got nothing to say to you.""<br><br>I don't know if it's the way it's writen, but from that description, that scene does sound very funny. Unless you mannaged to find a humourous way to make someting funny that isn't.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:55 a.m. CST

    Thank you, shitty movie!

    by Inexplicable_Nuclear_Balls

    After all these years of lurking here, I finally found a username I like.

  • April 27, 2010, 7:27 a.m. CST

    What a goddamn shame.

    by rbatty024

    I really enjoy the recent iteration of Jonah Hex and had high hopes for this film. I shouldn't be surprised that it sucks, but with the recent slate of good to great superhero movies I thought it might go against the odds.

  • April 27, 2010, 7:32 a.m. CST

    Wow, not what I expected . . .

    by Nice Marmot

    . . . Was hoping to hear something about the music. Wasn't it done by Mastadon, or at least a member or two of the band?

  • April 27, 2010, 7:40 a.m. CST

    PAYCHECK- THE MOVIE!!!

    by ToMonicker

    Living in the wild, wild west. Wild, wild west. *Stuck in my head now*

  • April 27, 2010, 7:55 a.m. CST

    Jonah burns up set

    by calloway98

    Has anyone heard the story of how the set burned to the ground on the last day of shooting? Apparently, it was a "Jonah Hex walks away from the burning town" shot. Well, the Director apparently loved the look of the shot and kept rolling and rolling. The fire got out of control, and burned the set/town to the ground along with a condor and some other equipment. No one was hurt.

  • April 27, 2010, 8 a.m. CST

    A condor?

    by Nice Marmot

    WTF, calloway98? That made me spit out coffee . . .

  • April 27, 2010, 8:01 a.m. CST

    Another review enbargo on the way then.

    by TheManWhoCan

    JonChambers is right . <p> This site is so not what people signed up for 10 years ago! <br> Hex looked shite from the poster (mostly because Megan Fox was in it). Oh well its not like Jonah is a A list super hero or anything. Most people only heard of him after that shit cool Batman TAS episode wayyy back in the day. THERE was your plot for the movie WB! Handed to you on a silver platter. Dumb Asses. Better get those flight tickets posted to Harry and Co ASAP before they rediscover their integrity (not likely though but you never know).

  • April 27, 2010, 8:02 a.m. CST

    Fucking Hollywood

    by MAD_MIKE

    It never fails to amaze me how so many people think they no everything by changing the source material. I wish all of these fools could be lined up to take a ball bat to the head.

  • April 27, 2010, 8:05 a.m. CST

    outlaw joesy wales meets wild wild west

    by palewook

    with a side order of an eye candy actress that can't act. <p> did anyone expect this to work?

  • April 27, 2010, 8:22 a.m. CST

    Now that JONAH HEX has been done...

    by Mosquito March

    ...bring on the NTH MAN movie!

  • April 27, 2010, 8:23 a.m. CST

    The origin is completely different

    by The Great One

    Nuts. That's NOT how he got the scar. It had to do an indian tribe who saved and helped raise him for a while. Through a bad situation, he wound up intentionally scarred by those same indians with a hot knife to show that he was of two faces: one good, one evil. They could've kept that in the script. :(

  • April 27, 2010, 8:33 a.m. CST

    Mess...

    by Quackfu

    How, dear God? This reminds me of the new Punisher movie. Mind-numbingly simple to do but completely screwed up from inception. Shoot all movie producers trying to tackle any project by saying "What's hot right now?"

  • April 27, 2010, 8:34 a.m. CST

    why the supernatural elements?

    by RefutetheHype

    because a few years ago when JONAH HEX had no comic and no interest some dudes at DC made up a comic called JONAH HEX TWO GUN MOJO that featured the man against a vampire, and then did two more supernatural Hex stories after that which renewed interest in the character and led to the new series. However, those drop in the bucket stories were pretty much the only supernatural Hex stories. Clearly some jerk got ahold of those and said "would it be alright if we made it more like this for special effects?"

  • April 27, 2010, 8:34 a.m. CST

    From the director of "Horton Hears a Who"

    by OutsideChance

    Why is anyone surprised this didn't work?

  • April 27, 2010, 8:40 a.m. CST

    Without Reading the Spoilers . . .

    by Dave I

    I'm still disappointed that this looks to be a total POS. VERY disappointed. He's a bad mofo with a horribly scarred face in the mold of a Clint Eastwood character and grounded in a gritty quasi-realism. How could they screw that formula up?<p><p>This was a character I was hoping would be worth taking seriously. The fact that it was apparently given a Wild, Wild West treatment is crap.<p><p>-Cheers

  • April 27, 2010, 8:48 a.m. CST

    I'm Used To Not Expecting...

    by Marshal_Lannes

    ...much out of Hollywood when it comes to comic-based movies, but, dear lord, this movie sounds like 10 pounds of shit shoved into a 5 pound bag...Not even worth a view on HBO.

  • April 27, 2010, 8:49 a.m. CST

    AsimovLives

    by NippleEffect

    because the people usually making these movies have no knowledge and / or respect for the source material and / or feel a need to remake it in their own image

  • April 27, 2010, 9:19 a.m. CST

    Thomas Jane and Christopher Lambert

    by PedroM

    Were separated at birth.

  • April 27, 2010, 9:27 a.m. CST

    So sad for Hex

    by deelzbub

    I had high expectations for this movie. It didnt' sound like they were far from the mark.<P> except for gatling gun horse<P> except for necromacy powers<P> except for working for the government(which he couldn't give two shits about)<P> except for revealing his origin and not leaving it a mystery<P> except for making Jonah fight the Confederacy<P> except for the stupid blow up the government plot<P> except for fucking the origin entirely

  • April 27, 2010, 9:30 a.m. CST

    Sounds like another Ghost Rider...

    by braddavery

    ugh

  • April 27, 2010, 9:31 a.m. CST

    Its the producer's fault

    by deelzbub

    For not using a Joe R. Lansdale script. He would've nailed it.

  • April 27, 2010, 9:34 a.m. CST

    malko is shit!!!! his last good badguy role was

    by Waka_Flocka

    in the line of fire

  • April 27, 2010, 9:36 a.m. CST

    Three stupid old men sit around a campfire

    by cookylamoo

    And they've just finished a bean supper? This has possibilities.

  • April 27, 2010, 9:38 a.m. CST

    Couldn't finish more than 2 of the reviews

    by NippleEffect

    Is there a Jar Jar character in the movie? You know a Snarf or Orko?<p> I'd find it hard to believe it doesn't have some kind of butt monkey character

  • April 27, 2010, 9:43 a.m. CST

    Sepia-toned flashback

    by deelzbub

    may have been the only detail they got right

  • April 27, 2010, 9:52 a.m. CST

    Horse: "Man, I hate it when he fires those guns"

    by cookylamoo

    Can't stop shaking for a week.

  • April 27, 2010, 9:54 a.m. CST

    A stuffed, fake horse with gatling guns...

    by Baryonyx

    ...almost makes me want to see this movie. Must... fight... the... impulse...

  • April 27, 2010, 9:59 a.m. CST

    DAMNIT, NO!

    by Gungan Slayer

    I wanted to this film to be badass. Jonah Hex is awesome, I don't want him to be a shitty wild wild west wannabe.

  • April 27, 2010, 10:06 a.m. CST

    HEY JH PRODUCERS ! FUCK YA ALL !

    by theplant

    I'M DOWNLOADING THIS CRAP YOU WON'T GET A CENT OUT OF ME

  • April 27, 2010, 10:19 a.m. CST

    They needed a hero. What they got was Hex.

    by kabong

    I'll have to see the movie. These "reviews" don't seem too smart. <P> BTW, it's "role," not "roll," for what an actor plays.

  • April 27, 2010, 10:44 a.m. CST

    Bummed out

    by film11

    Damn.,,,I was really looking forward to this. I was a HEX fan going back to the first issue of the comic. Haven't read it in years since, but I always thought it could be a great film and had high hopes for this, especially with Brolin. When I heard Megan Fox was in it, I had a twinge of pain but still held out hope. But this sounds absolutely abysmal! Why oh why? Not that hard to screw up, but it sounds like they found a way.

  • April 27, 2010, 10:46 a.m. CST

    this would have been the final nail in the coffin

    by TheManWhoCan

    for Thomas Janes movie career. Glad he didnt do it now! Poor Josh, may this be a lesson for him,(dont work with megan Fox and shit Directors. I just hope he dosnt go all waaa waaa i hate comic book movies and sci fi waa waa like Marky Mark and Ben Afleck. While in the Megan Fox issue if anyone is interested in totally wasting precious minutes of there lives , check out funnyordie.co m and the atrociously unfunny "skit" her and BAG do about public schools. worse than both transformer movies combined and i didn't think that was even possible.

  • April 27, 2010, 10:58 a.m. CST

    They had to blow up the capitol building

    by Snookeroo

    because someone had already taken the giant mechanical spider.

  • April 27, 2010, 11:09 a.m. CST

    If raimi had directed it................

    by mojoman69

  • April 27, 2010, 11:18 a.m. CST

    This Movie Sounds Awesome

    by kevinwillis.net

    I love it when bad reviews actually make we want to see the movie even more.<br><br>"Hex rears his horse up to reveal MASSIVE GATLING GUNS mounted to each side!"<br><br>I'm so there. Of course, I loved Wild Wild West--except for the inexplicable miscasting of Will Smith. So there's that, too. <br><br> "Too bad, because later, he gets mini-crossbow guns that shoot dynamite!"<br><br> Stop! You had me at horse-mounted Gatling guns!<br><br>The worst review makes me most want to see this movie.

  • April 27, 2010, 11:21 a.m. CST

    It should have been Jonah Hex with Zombies

    by chien_sale

  • April 27, 2010, 11:21 a.m. CST

    No Way This is Like Battlefield Earth

    by kevinwillis.net

    Battlefield Earth featured way too much John Travolta and 0--count them, zero!--horse-mounted Gatling guns. It sounds like another Wild Wild West-ish movie, only without Will Smith, which is the only thing I didn't like about Wild Wild West.

  • April 27, 2010, 11:23 a.m. CST

    What's Wrong With These Reviewers?

    by kevinwillis.net

    "Looking through the aiming reticule we see that it is not a crosshair, but is shaped JUST LIKE THE CAPITOL BUILDING!"<br><Br> That's frickin' brilliant. This sounds like the kind of movie that makes me love movies all over again. Bless you, Jonah Hex. I can't wait to see you on DVD. Which sounds like it will be very soon. Your loss (of box office, due to negative reviews) will be my gain.

  • April 27, 2010, 11:29 a.m. CST

    Of Course, I Couldn't Give a Tin Fig

    by kevinwillis.net

    About Jonah Hex, the comic book, so a wildy-uneven and weird-ass movie version isn't going to bother me in the slightest. I thought I remembered a Jonah Hex/Superman team-up, but I can't find evidence that it ever happened. So perhaps I'm imagining it.

  • April 27, 2010, 11:34 a.m. CST

    Not

    by Cannibal_Holocaust_Junior

    Seeing This. I had medium hopes for this, but they have all but been dashed. Seeing El Street Friday and if that sucks... well, Heaven help this Summer.

  • April 27, 2010, 11:44 a.m. CST

    Does Megan show her twat, if so, I'm there.

    by parissun

    Edit that you studio bastards.

  • April 27, 2010, 12:03 p.m. CST

    Jonah's only weapon should be a six-shooter...

    by cookylamoo

    that fires laser beams.

  • April 27, 2010, 12:10 p.m. CST

    Amazing

    by redkamel

    ...how they could have dropped the ball. I've never read Jonah Hex, but it seems pretty straightforward: ugly, angry cowboy bounty-hunter anti hero versus a villain. Why make it WWW style? Why not just play it straight and badass? Why make it goofy? Why "blow up DC" and not "massacre some Indians" or "breaking up slave trading ring"? These questions must be answered. Did they want to be the next WWW?

  • April 27, 2010, 12:12 p.m. CST

    STOP. HIRING. MALKOVICH!!!

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    I think, perhaps, at some point in time he may have had a skosh of talent....</p><p>But I think it's now fail;ry obvious that THE MAN CAN'T FUCKING ACT! He's absolutely HORRIBLE in everything he's done for the last 15 years. And for all those pussies crying about Spider-Man 4, HE WOULD HAVE DESTROYED IT!</p><p>This really sucks because everyone was so amped about what a fantastic script it was so I don't get how it could be so shitty now unless producers got involved and really fucked it.</p><p>Just looked it up...PRODUCED BY AKIVA GOLDSMAN! Somebody shoot this fucking half-wit already!

  • April 27, 2010, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Malkovitch is a legend

    by mexicant

    Of course he is playing it campy how else could he play it? I mean...

  • April 27, 2010, 12:28 p.m. CST

    How Hard IS Jonah Hex's Character?

    by Dave I

    The more I think of it, it seems obvious they looked in the wrong places for motivation. If they had gone Batman meets Clint Eastwood, or a disfigured Roland Deshain sort of character, and realized this is the type of character that actually works with The Dark Knight sort of atmosphere, I think this character could really work well. Why they took a disfigured anti-hero and turned him into a supernatural rehashing of a campy Will Smith movie just makes no sense.<p><p>Sorry. The more I think of this, the more irritated I get about it. Is the character that hard to get right, or are they really just trying to make something different than what the character and its audience warrants?<p><p>-Cheers

  • April 27, 2010, 12:55 p.m. CST

    Malkovich

    by Quackfu

    has said in interviews that he does these "throw away movies" so he can then go on to other more important pieces. He regards any mainstream film as tripe and fans thereof as uneducated ignorant hillfolk. He saves his "talent" for real art. Fuck Him!

  • April 27, 2010, 12:56 p.m. CST

    Re-shoots

    by lostokie

    I worked on the re-shoots as a background player for several days. The story I got from production was that the movie was a total mess and the studio demanded not just re-shoots but a total revamping/rewriting. At one point during filming I noticed Francis Lawrence (a producer on this). Not out of the ordinary for a producer to be on set right? As the shoot went on I noticed that he was behind the camera and directing. When I asked a crew member why Francis was directing he basically told me that Francis was directing all of the re-shoots! Not just a little but a lot of re-shoots. Then I found out that the director wasn't even on set for any of the re-shoots! Wow! Interesting.

  • April 27, 2010, 12:57 p.m. CST

    Asimov

    by MattmanReturns

    The dog scene is mildly amusing, but it feels forced and out of place. The filmmakers constantly undermine what should be a very dark film with shit like that. Jonah's family is slaughtered and his face ruined, but don't feel too bad for him, because he's fucking Megan Fox and jokes with his animal friend.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:16 p.m. CST

    Malkovich is a legend in his own mind

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    He's pretty sure he's some sort of important Shakespearian actor when in reality he's just a fruity flake who can't. Stop. Talking. In single. Word. Sentences.</p><p>FUCK JOHN MALKOVICH and the fag he rode in on.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:18 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox shows up at the climax.

    by HapaPapa72

    Love to see that. I'll avoid this movie though.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:27 p.m. CST

    This is kind of what ruined the second Zorro movie.

    by cookylamoo

    Insistence that to be a hero you have to save the entire fucking country.

  • April 27, 2010, 1:31 p.m. CST

    I think the main problem with Zorro 2 was...

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    That it was just a bummer. We don't want to see the two leads arguing and getting a divorce. Then add in a little Anakin Skywalker and a meandering plot and viola: instant trash!

  • April 27, 2010, 1:35 p.m. CST

    No Hope for DC Comics in Hollywood...

    by Jobacca

    You think Jonah Hex sucks? Wait till they get around to fucking up the JLA movie.....

  • April 27, 2010, 1:56 p.m. CST

    It looks like they leave established directors...

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    Like Nolan and Snyder alone which describes the anomaly of them actually making good DC films. I think they just don't trust less established directors and therefore the producers have a big hand in production. In this case apparently directing the reshoots! Fucking hell! I REALLY hate it when non-creative people think they are creative. It just pisses me the fuck off. Know your limitations!

  • April 27, 2010, 2:27 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox

    by Curious_Jorge

    http://screenrant.com/wp-content/uploads/jonah-hex-megan-fox.jpg

  • April 27, 2010, 2:39 p.m. CST

    Me loves women with corset

    by ominus

    especially when a beautiful woman like Megan wears it.u

  • April 27, 2010, 2:40 p.m. CST

    Jobacca, no hope for DC Comics in Hollywood?

    by SpyGuy

    So tell me, how was the GREEN LANTERN movie that's out next year? I'm sure the rest of us would love to hear what you thought about it.

  • April 27, 2010, 2:41 p.m. CST

    Why the hell didn't they get Lansdale to write the Screenplay??

    by s8ntmark

    Why?? At least the story would have been better...

  • April 27, 2010, 2:50 p.m. CST

    Was on the list for this, glad I decided to stay home

    by TheViper1979

    something told me this was going to be a huge waste of time.

  • April 27, 2010, 2:50 p.m. CST

    No hope for DC Comics in Hollywood?

    by Stalkeye

    WTF was The Dark Knight.

  • April 27, 2010, 2:55 p.m. CST

    cookylamoo

    by AsimovLives

    What ruined the second Zorro was that Bob Orci and Alex Kurtzman wrote the script.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:02 p.m. CST

    I agree with you all. George Clooney needs a hair cut.....

    by theDannerDaliel

  • April 27, 2010, 3:07 p.m. CST

    Zorro 2 was better than Jonah Hex

    by MattmanReturns

    At least Legend of Zorro was hilariously bad. I'm sure drinking games have been made out of it. Hex on the other hand was just mediocre. It doesn't achieve "so bad it's good" status.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:24 p.m. CST

    RE: REVENGE OF FETT

    by Anything But Tangerines

    You do realize that if Malkovich read your post aloud, I would pay 10 dollars for an mp3 of it. Back off Malkovich - I will cut a bitch

  • April 27, 2010, 3:33 p.m. CST

    You need to BACK OUT of John Malkovich

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    I mean seriously. The guy is crap. I think I remember him being good in Line of Fire....but that's it.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:34 p.m. CST

    John Malkovich called me up crying....

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    Unfortunately. I couldn't. Understand. What.....the FUCK. He. Was saying.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:41 p.m. CST

    It's DC's Ghost Rider.

    by GhostDad

    I guess they switched opening scenes between the two screenings? At my screening, Hex destroying the town was the opening scene, but it seems like the prospectors scene was at the other one.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:42 p.m. CST

    Remember when Malcovich Played.....

    by cookylamoo

    The perfect android man in "Making Mr. Right" Wow, there's some weird casting.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:47 p.m. CST

    This is a HUGE bummer, but I was afraid of this.

    by The Reluctant Austinite

    It terrifies me that "Wild, Wild West" came up more than once in these reviews. I thought there had to be some reason the studio was hiding this film for so long.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:57 p.m. CST

    edit button maybe?

    by GhostDad

    The tone was just uneven. We got an opening scene in a western town, and that was it for any sort of western feel.. we get President Grant, a black Q and random tacked on supernatural BS. I called it DC's Ghost Rider because it feels like when you open up your minor characters for low grade summer releases, this is the effort you get. DC over the years has been good with keeping it to just to Batman, while Marvel makes a movie out of everyone. So if we're gonna get more DC movies, I'd expect we get more bad DC movies.

  • April 27, 2010, 3:59 p.m. CST

    wait the unholly duo wrote Zorro 2?

    by ominus

    my god thats why i hated that movie so much? i loved the first one but the second was POS.i didnt know that these 2 clowns wrote it.jesus.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:14 p.m. CST

    ominus

    by AsimovLives

    Sad, isn't it?

  • April 27, 2010, 4:15 p.m. CST

    MattmanReturns

    by AsimovLives

    Could it be because Akiva Hack Goldsman was involved?

  • April 27, 2010, 4:17 p.m. CST

    John Malkovich was hillarious in BURN AFTER READING

    by AsimovLives

    That's what happens when you give him a good script. Otherwise, he just shows up to collect the paycheck. And who can really blame him? He's the one laughing the last. The dude is smarter then most give him credit.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:24 p.m. CST

    ...and are ANY of you suprised??

    by VADER77

    ..it was rushed, it has Megan "hack" Fox in it, I mean, seriously?? I don't care how hot you guys think she is, she stinks, and that, to me, removes any hotness.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:24 p.m. CST

    also, the PG-13

    by GhostDad

    is retarded. We get multiple scenes of children dying. I mean flat out "kid is on a train, cut to train exploding" scenes, yet there's a scene of Megan Fox's prostitute character in bed post-sex with the bedsheets pulled up to her neck.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:24 p.m. CST

    Malkovich's character in Hex is SO underwritten

    by MattmanReturns

    I don't think there's anything Malkovich could have done with it. He blows up a church just for the fuck of it, then later gives a half-assed, righteous speech about the government being evil. It's just lazy writing.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:27 p.m. CST

    Harry'll love it, though

    by GhostDad

    My friend pointed out as we passed a poster for it that it seems like it was specifically designed for a glowing Harry quote be featured on it.

  • April 27, 2010, 4:50 p.m. CST

    Malkovich didn't have to takwe the roll did he?

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    It's not like the guy is fucking starving to death in a cardboard box. He can pick whatever p[rojects he wants. So why he keep choosing SHIT then getting pissed that all he ever does is SHIT?

  • April 27, 2010, 4:59 p.m. CST

    REVENGE_of_FETT

    by AsimovLives

    Actually, Malkovitch needs the money. He owns a château in France, where he spends most of his time wwith his family. And them château don't mantain by themselves, they are money pitts to mantain.

  • April 27, 2010, 5 p.m. CST

    I mean, just ask Nicholas Cage

    by AsimovLives

    He had to sell his, when he went bankrupted.

  • April 27, 2010, 5:16 p.m. CST

    Eli Whitney...

    by Bootskin

    ...made muskets in 1798, after his cotton gin factory in New Haven burned down. Just saying.

  • April 27, 2010, 5:34 p.m. CST

    It can be saved

    by NippleEffect

    a small rewrite some reshoots and clever editinh and they'll have Serbain Hex

  • April 27, 2010, 5:49 p.m. CST

    So HIS money problems means...

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    That I have to suffer through his sleepwalk acting?</p><p>How about if he, you know, TOOK HIS CRAFT SERIOUSLY? Apparently that's too much to ask from THIS FUCK?</p><p>He has the clout to say "Yes, I'd like to take this role but I'd like my writer to expand my character"? But instead he just takes crappy roles like The Mutant Chronicles and does a day of "And. If. You. Think. That I'm. Being. Too. Tough. On you, may I suggest. You. Go. Fuck. YOURSELF!"</p><p>No.....FUCK JOHN MALKOVICH!

  • April 27, 2010, 5:54 p.m. CST

    Please keep that Dog Scene

    by milesdyson

    I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU. Seriously, that's lol hilarious. If you miserable test screening people made them cut that out, I'm coming after you.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:04 p.m. CST

    Sounds bad

    by finky089

    Which is unfortunate. Will this help spell the end of Megan Fox's "put me in a movie cuz teens and single 40-something men find me 'hot' " luck? <p> Probably not, but one can always hope.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:06 p.m. CST

    Too bad. I really wanted this to succeed.

    by BurnedNotice_Dude

  • April 27, 2010, 6:13 p.m. CST

    Oh and 80 minutes? What is this an animated movie?

    by milesdyson

    You're taking this ADD shit too far, Warner Brothers.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:15 p.m. CST

    PROBLEMS

    by berserkrl

    a) With the exception of a few issues here and there, Jonah Hex's stories were neither supernatural nor steampunk sci-fi; they were spaghetti westerns, and damn good ones. <p> b) In the original story Hex was INNOCENT of betraying his buddies and of killing Turnbull's son; his being WRONGLY accused is central to his whole life story. <p> Forget the movie and buy the Showcase edition.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Name one good DC Movie...

    by Jobacca

    Thats NOT Dark Knight or Watchmen. With those two movies,you had big-name directors with a lot of clout who wanted to bring THEIR versions of those characters to the screen...unfortunately,those were the exact same conditions Singer was working under when he brought us Superman:Yo' Babies Daddy. And for those of you calling me out,how is the Green Lantern movie? Does the reluctant hero get his powers in the first act? Does he then make a friend who later turns out to be his main villain? Does he then have to fight that villain to save his kinda/sorta girlfriend in the 3rd act? Does the ending leave itself open for a sequel? If so,it sounds like every single comic-book movie thats come out in the last 5 years....just like Jonah Hex. But hey...maybe GL can ride around on the back of his little eskimo buddy and use his power ring to whip up some side-mounted gattling guns(action figure coming soon)!!!

  • April 27, 2010, 6:20 p.m. CST

    That 80 minutes was not brisk

    by MattmanReturns

    It felt like 2 and a half hours. They were literally struggling just to fill 80 minutes. I'm sure there were plenty of stories from the comics they could've gone with, but the screenwriters apparently couldn't be bothered to read any of em.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:22 p.m. CST

    Jobacca

    by MattmanReturns

    V for Vendetta. Batman Begins. Original Batman. Superman 1 and 2. A lot of the animated movies. Just admit you made a dumb comment and didn't think it through.

  • April 27, 2010, 6:25 p.m. CST

    same problems as JOHN CARTER OF MARS

    by berserkrl

    ... which they're also supernaturalizing up. The whole point of the Therns in Burroughs' original trilogy is that they're *false* gods -- just ordinary humans; the story is Burroughs' critique of religion, with each social class's religion being a hoax created by the class above it. Now the movie is making the Therns *actual* godlike beings who can shapeshift and teleport and fly through outer space ... sigh ...

  • April 27, 2010, 6:29 p.m. CST

    oh, and I almost forgot ...

    by berserkrl

    both JONAH HEX and JOHN CARTER OF MARS are inventing conflicts between the main character and his Confederate commander -- presumably in order to avoid making either character see pro-Confederate

  • April 27, 2010, 6:36 p.m. CST

    I did forget about V for Vendetta

    by Jobacca

    Which I quite enjoyed. And Batman Begins is also from Nolan,and fits into the same catagory as Dark Knight(although Begins is just as guilty of following the current comic book formula). As for the Keaton Batman flicks and Superman 1 and 2? Oh hell yeah those were awesome...but that was a different time. Again though...those movies were the result of Tim Burton and Richard Donnor. It IS possible to make a good movie based on a DC property as long as a big-name director gives a shit and the studio leaves them alone and just throws them a shitton of money....but how often does that happen? Warner Bros. is trying to micro-manage the DC Universe to the big screen,and its going to result in nothing but disaster. At best,we'll get a poor mans version of what Marvel is currently doing....at its worst,we'll get more shit like Hex and Catwoman. MAYBE Geoff Johns can finally be the guiding force that keeps DC's catalog from getting strip-mined by the WB....and maybe not.

  • April 27, 2010, 7:12 p.m. CST

    Zero hope for JCoM

    by NippleEffect

    bad casting and don't think they'll respect the source material<p> I wish the production would stall and fall apart

  • April 27, 2010, 8:08 p.m. CST

    Confederates

    by GhostDad

    As far as hollywood is concerned, any confederate soldier was a racist (since the civil war was about human rights), and the only way to redeem them is to have them turn on their own side. I've read a few good scripts this year that will never get made due to having Confederate Soldiers that are portrayed as men defending their home and not the worst racists ever. Also, if there's a movie featuring Nazis as the villain, they will never be called "Germans" lest modern audiences think the filmmakers are depicting modern day germans.

  • April 27, 2010, 8:23 p.m. CST

    GhostDad...the confederacy was evil

    by brabon300

    and if i had my way, i would finish the job and nuke the south<p>FOR THE SOUTH WILL NEVER RISE AGAIN

  • April 27, 2010, 11:33 p.m. CST

    GhostDad & brabon300

    by berserkrl

    Both the Confederacy and the Union were evil; but there were plenty of good people on both sides. The Confederate *government* was fighting *primarily* to protect slavery (as its chief spokesmen admitted at the time, by contrast with the spin they put out later) -- but many *individuals* on the Confederate side were fighting to protect their homes. The Union *government* was fighting *primarily* to preserve its power and was willing to throw the slaves under the bus to do so (as its chief spokesmen admitted at the time, by contrast with the spin they put out later) -- but many *individuals* on the Union side were fighting to end slavery.

  • April 28, 2010, 12:26 a.m. CST

    I was not arguing that point

    by GhostDad

    That's 100% accurate. What I was saying that in Hollywood, someone who fights for the Confederate army may as well be Dracula. I was taught a pretty even history of the Civil War in school, but I have neices and nephews who are straight up taught that people fought for the Confederacy only because they hated black people.

  • April 28, 2010, 12:31 a.m. CST

    I'm shocked that this is gonna suck

    by WINONA_RYDERS_PUSSY_JUICE

    There weren't any warning signs, at all.

  • April 28, 2010, 3:33 a.m. CST

    REVENGE_of_FETT

    by AsimovLives

    Malkovitch takes hi job seriously... but not in blockbuster movies which are very obviously dumb idiotic movies catered to the minimum common demoninator. And i can't blame him, really. He's getting a fat paycheck from a crappy movie. He's the one having the last laugh. He's quite the smart dude.

  • April 28, 2010, 3:34 a.m. CST

    WINONA_RYDERS_PUSSY_JUICE

    by AsimovLives

    You're quite the comedian, aren't you?

  • April 28, 2010, 3:46 a.m. CST

    GhostDad

    by AsimovLives

    Not exactly. hollywood has been pretty romantic about the confederacy. Remember that one of the most sucessful movie ever mad,e and one of the biggest movie made at the time, GONE WITH THE WIND, romanticises the confederacy south. and for a long time, the south was portaited in movies as the sympathetic losers. What made things turn around was during the 60s and 70s, with the awareness thnaks to to the civil right movement,s and how the south kept on segregating the blacks and forced them into poverty conditions which were not much different from the time of the slavery. As many segregationists were confederation sympathise,s the association was made. also, the confederation was a slaver society, which in this more enlighted era doesn't look so right and bright anymore. and still there ar emany movies made evne in the 60s and 70s and foward where they present confederation sodiers as desilusioned heroes. If anything, Hollywood has been pretty romantic about the confederates.

  • April 28, 2010, 6:48 a.m. CST

    if the Union had used more HORSE MOUNTED GATLING GUNS

    by savagedave

    Maybe that tragic conflict would have been over quicker.

  • April 28, 2010, 7:52 a.m. CST

    you guys are missing the the mark by a mile

    by mexicant

    Malkovich used what he was given as best as he could, and sometimes that means over the top or campy acting. The other option would be for him to act all serious and subdued - which would not only be ridiculous but take out all the fun of the movie

  • April 28, 2010, 9:07 a.m. CST

    Horse mounted gatlin Guns

    by Stalkeye

  • April 28, 2010, 9:11 a.m. CST

    Horse mounted gatlin Guns

    by Stalkeye

    Now that would have been quite the scenery as tons of 'federate chunks and entrails are seen flying in the air.face it, the Confederacy was mostly EVIL and they got their asses handed to them, however from freed slaves rose the ongoing menace that is the KKK.

  • April 28, 2010, 9:25 a.m. CST

    Ang Lee's Ride With The Devil

    by deelzbub

    A pretty awesome Civil War movie that was not biased against the South.

  • April 28, 2010, 9:40 a.m. CST

    Wars are fought over land or money

    by deelzbub

    not "Human rights."

  • April 28, 2010, 10:19 a.m. CST

    LOL...Confederates mostly EVIL...

    by Marshal_Lannes

    Well, if it makes you sleep better at night, most Southerners still think Yankees are mostly EVIL and have little Devil tails taboot...

  • April 28, 2010, 10:21 a.m. CST

    Burroughs' best critique of religion.....

    by cookylamoo

    Was in Pellucidar where the denizens worshiped pterodactyl creatures who hypnotized and ate them.

  • April 28, 2010, 10:54 a.m. CST

    cookylamoo

    by AsimovLives

    "where the denizens worshiped pterodactyl creatures who hypnotized and ate them."<br><br>Somebody make that movie already!

  • April 28, 2010, 10:56 a.m. CST

    In the Name Of The Father, The Son ...

    by AsimovLives

    ... and The Holy Pterodactyl, Amen!

  • April 28, 2010, 10:57 a.m. CST

    Bow down the the power of the holy pterodactyl...

    by AsimovLives

    ... you fucking infidels!

  • April 28, 2010, 11:27 a.m. CST

    "Looking from over ParisSun's penis reticule we see that it is n

    by RefutetheHype

    "......just like MEGAN FOX'S TWAT!"

  • April 28, 2010, 11:30 a.m. CST

    Sorry, the joke should have been

    by RefutetheHype

    Looking from over ParisSun's penis reticule we see that it isn't a target at all but is instead SHAPED JUST LIKE MEGAN FOX'S TWAT!" oh and since people are wondering if the horse-mounted gatling guns are real then see this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J-nclCUl-Q They are real!

  • April 28, 2010, 11:32 a.m. CST

    you know one fact

    by RefutetheHype

    it makes me almost regret I picked my name RefutetheHype. If I'd known this was coming I would call myself PonyWithaGatlingGun. What do you think?

  • April 28, 2010, 11:37 a.m. CST

    horse with a shotgun!

    by RefutetheHype

  • April 28, 2010, 12:16 p.m. CST

    How about Dolphin with a Torpedo?

    by Stalkeye

  • April 28, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST

    So it's INTELLIGENT to take a job you don't like

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    And then purposefully fuck it up because you think you are better than it? I think you should try enacting that at your job at Burger King. Just start spitting in burgers and laughing to yourself about it because hey, it's only fucking Burger King!

  • April 28, 2010, 12:38 p.m. CST

    If he hates his job...

    by REVENGE_of_FETT

    Then he needs to find a new one so he quits fucking around with my entertainment dollar because he thinks it's "funny". Maybe you could put a good word in for him at Burger King.

  • April 28, 2010, 1:45 p.m. CST

    They should have let Thomas Jane run with this

    by kevred

    Instead we get some horrifically awful studio meddling which completely disregards the source material, yet again, with results which seem calculated to please absolutely no one.<p>What kind of industry is it that throws tens of millions of dollars at such obviously disastrous poor decision making?

  • April 28, 2010, 2:48 p.m. CST

    kevred

    by AsimovLives

    The same industry that produced such tripe as the TRANSFORMERS movies and give work to such untalented people as Michael Bay. There are times i wonder if the devil really exists.

  • April 28, 2010, 3:02 p.m. CST

    EXXU-SPEN-DIBURROW!!!!!!!!!

    by NADO

  • April 28, 2010, 3:22 p.m. CST

    Basically, it's Kick-Ass in a Western setting

    by MobileAccess

    I'll pass

  • April 28, 2010, 11:48 p.m. CST

    Get a body double.....

    by striker663

    show some nice tits and ass and make the nerds believe it's Megan Fox. They should make back their money in DVD sales. Hell, I will buy that.....