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Capone begs you to please forget REMEMBER ME!!!

Published at:  Mar 12, 2010 3:00:46 PM CST


Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

Okay, sure, everything about the ending of this film misses the mark. The problem isn't poor taste or even worse timing; the problem is pointlessness, as in this film is one grande espresso shot of pointless, and the ending is the foam on top. REMEMBER ME reads more like a check list of scenes, shots, and poses that TWILIGHT star Robert Pattinson has created with director Allen Coulter (HOLLYWOODLAND, and numerous episodes of "The Sopranos") to sell him as a dramatic force in the world. Instead, the movie comes across as a moving photo shoot. You can almost hear Pattinson saying, "Oh, here's a good angle of me smoking a cigarette. How do I look in this lighting without my shirt on? Was my voice angsty enough while I was emoting in that scene fighting with Pierce Brosnan?" And the list goes on and on.

I'm not a knee-jerk Pattinson hater. His third-rate, watered-down James Dean impersonation in the TWILIGHT films actually serves that story, regardless of how feather-light it may be. But what he's doing in REMEMBER ME is an audition reel. Here's Rob's Tyler character being charming and romantic as he approaches would-be love interest Ally (Emily de Ravin), and here he is being the supportive big brother to a little sister who is taking on the brunt of their parents' broken marriage and a neglectful lawyer father (Brosnan). He's a rebel, a lover, a guy who isn't afraid to pick a fight with a cop (Chris Cooper) and get his ass beat down for the effort. And I wasn't buying a second of it. Pattinson simply isn't convincing me he's a troubled outcast whose family (including mother Lena Olin) was struck by tragedy a few years earlier.

But here's the thing about REMEMBER ME. It is worse than pointless. I mean that literally--it has no point. Even without the bizarre final moment, the movie isn't about anything. I was craving a stupid rom-com just to spell out it's themes in giant Hollywood-sign letters to fulfill my desire for purpose. Somewhere buried deep in this film is a message about fate and living life with the one you love because it can all be gone without warning. Suicide and violent murder play a part in the pasts of both leads; this is not a spoiler. Probably without meaning to, Tyler comes across as a spoiled rich kid who is rejecting his father's path as a powerful New York lawyer because he can. Of course, he doesn't refuse his dad's bailout money when he gets tossed in the clink. De Ravin is substantially more convincing, but trapped in this intolerably written screenplay, there's not much the film can do to save her. The script doesn't do anyone in this movie any favors, even such fine actors as Brosnan, Olin, and especially Cooper, who looks ashamed to be stuck in this movie.

If you have the same perverse desire I do to see the worst as well as the best films being released into the mainstream today, seeing REMEMBER ME would be considered starting at the bottom. The good news is, there's no where to go but up. And for those who loathe Pattinson and hope he vanishes from movies as soon as the TWILIGHT movies are wrapped, REMEMBER ME is a solid sign that he may do just that. Please don't see this movie; don't even let the thought cross your mind. The regret you'll feel after seeing it may be too much for you to handle. Be strong.



-- Capone
capone@aintitcool.com
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    Readers Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 3:09:35 PM CST

    Don't worry, I won't see it

    by bumlove

    He dies in 9/11 at the end.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 3:16:44 PM CST

    Sometimes reviews just write themselves

    by carmillavondoom

    especially on aicn

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 3:19:55 PM CST

    Begging?

    by idrinkyourmilkshake

    First off, I haven't seen so much as a PICTURE promoting this piece of shit.Second, It has Robert "secret fag' Patterson.Third...that's all.Trust me, I would never watch this.My chick might,but not me.NO.NEED.TO.BEG,good sir!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 3:21:17 PM CST

    WOW.Chris Cooper is in this?

    by idrinkyourmilkshake

    This man is amazing.Is this hard-up for cash? Poor Cooper.He deserves SOOOOOOO much better

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 3:23:57 PM CST

    2012

    by taragor

    ~The year Uwe Boll and Robert Pattinson make a picture together, which subsequently causes the Earths axis to tilt, the seas rise and when we all run for the boats we find out they were developed by Toyota.
    The end of humanity arrives 12/21/2012

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 3:27:35 PM CST

    ...Everyone she loves, dies...

    by yourstepdaddy

    ...Charlie... this douche... anyone she love die in Roswell...

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 3:28:20 PM CST

    ...Er, that was part was a question...

    by yourstepdaddy

  • Mar 12, 2010 4:10:18 PM CST

    yeah yea but did you like it....

    by thedannerdaliel

  • Mar 12, 2010 4:15:47 PM CST

    A Vagina is required to appreciate Pattinson

    by rubiks doob

    If you don't have one- don't waste your time.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 4:17:40 PM CST

    Love and Tragedy

    by blhotz

    Human relationship and human tragedy... yeah, pointless. WTF?! Worst movie review ever?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 4:25:49 PM CST

    ...By the way...

    by yourstepdaddy

    ...Forgot to say this in the other FORGET ME tb... i imagine if this movie does well, there will be another movie wit a historic last day twist... two high school characters from different sides of the track will fall in love despite their friends and families disapproval, where in the last act they finally come to the realization they are soul mates or some shit... then they kiss in the hallways then gun shots are fired... last shot shows its (dun dun dun) Columbine High... story by yourSTEPDADDY

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 4:49:23 PM CST

    Pattinson

    by themagicalhornofguntata

    ... may be a fellow Brit, but he can suck my arse. He was shit in Iwilight (which, in itself, is a whole world of shit) and by all accounts, he's shit in this. He'd fit in more on EastEnders or Corrie.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 5:13:23 PM CST

    Ugh I'm a girl

    by alisa

    and I find Pattinson repulsive. I already decided not to see this once the TRAILER bored me to death.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 5:24:40 PM CST

    Remember Me's New Title

    by wildcatwildcat

    http://broodingtotaldestruction.ytmnd.com/

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 5:33:21 PM CST

    Capone's mistake in understandable...

    by fullmetal_atheist

    ...given how willingly confusing the last film in this trilogy is.
    The second film concentrates on the Yorkshire Ripper case, and actually features a fairly accurate scene where Peter Sutcliffe is interviewed by the police - the most glaring difference is that he refers to his wife by the name 'Mary' (I think) as opposed to her real name, Sonia. The victims, however, all have different names and - in most cases - background histories.
    However, in the third film David Morrissey's character sees a connection not with the Ripper case, but with the killer from part one - who was a child murderer. That's where Capone got mixed up. Like I said, understandable given that this final part skips between 1983 and 1974 several times, without any clear guide for the audience.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 5:34:17 PM CST

    Shit, sorry...

    by fullmetal_atheist

    ...wrong talkback. No delete function? WTF???

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 5:57:01 PM CST

    Frankly, I don't care about the 9/11 ending

    by mistermanreturns

    I've been waiting a few years to see if anybody would use this "twist" - it was only a matter of time. TV shows and movies have been doing it for ages (people boarding the Titanic or Lusitania, etc.). So much of this "indignant" screeching appears self-indulgent. Expect the Twin Towers to pop up more frequently in the future...it's gonna happen. Maybe "The Towers" - a drama set in the 70s...science-fiction time-travel involving the location....etc.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 6:19:21 PM CST

    I've gotta say...

    by skraggo

    Look, I've been coming to this site daily since 1997. I'm a fan. The site's got its problems, but it has become a sort of "comfort food" to me. However, I have to throw my hat in the ring with those who are beginning to bemoan AICN's insistence on over-covering shit like "Remember Me" and other obvious piece-of-shit movies and TV shows that none of us here were ever really in danger of watching to begin with. Massawyrm already dissected this particular turd for us and warned us off of it. Capone's review adds nothing new and is just one more opportunity for AICN to shoot the fish in the barrel. And this happens all the time here now. Some junky rom-com or mindless kids' movie comes out and three or four of the AICN staff trip over their own dicks to post snarky, negative reviews. (Except for Harry, who's usually tripping over his inner child's dick to gush about it.) Hey look, I love to read a well written, humorously scathing review of a shit movie as much as the next guy. But at some point it's just flogging a dead horse. There's a lot of junk on this site these days that's got nothing to do with "cool news" anymore. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not hatin' on AICN. I'm a loyalist. And I know, I know... there's nobody holding a gun to my temple and forcing me to click on any of the articles here. I guess I just miss the good old days when AICN was a little more "underground" and a little more "focused."

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 8:51:23 PM CST

    I wonder how New York audiences will react?

    by fa fa fooey

    I would be curious to hear how moviegoers in New York reacted to the ending?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 9:00:52 PM CST

    Already forgotten.

    by triple_j_72

    DING! And it's done. No problemo.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 10:07:28 PM CST

    BENDER STATUE: REMEMBER ME!!! [fwoosh]

    by nasty in the pasty

    REMEMBER ME!!! [fwoosh] REMEMBER ME!!! [fwoosh]

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 12, 2010 10:30:45 PM CST

    Kick Rob's ass!

    by gene_eric

    If anyone does meet Pattinson in real life, it would be doing a big favor to beat the shit out of him for shitting on our movies. He looks like a fucking wimp, so beating his ass should be no problem. I bet everyone here would be fucking happy if it happens.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 13, 2010 5:11:39 AM CST

    One of the best Poor Rich Kid movie i saw is IGBY GOES DOWN

    by asimovlives

    That Kieran Culkin kid is fantastic! I think he's the best actor of the Culkin clan.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 13, 2010 6:53:04 AM CST

    When is Michael Bay going to do a 9-11 movie?

    by american mythos

    "I think 9/11 just started."

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 13, 2010 7:17:19 AM CST

    Twilight fangirls

    by themagicalhornofguntata

    They'll see this. There's enough of them around the world to make this movie profitable. That's the ultimate tragedy, they'll still love the film even if it sucks. As long as it's got Robert 'penetrate my chocolate starfish please' Pattinson in it, they'd watch him taking a 90 minute shit if they could.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 13, 2010 7:17:43 AM CST

    Oh, I forgot

    by themagicalhornofguntata

    Everything he's done is ninety minutes of shit.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 13, 2010 7:19:03 AM CST

    Is it just me

    by themagicalhornofguntata

    or is Twilight the only 'vampire' movie where nobody gets their blood sucked? Sucked being the operative word.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 13, 2010 10:49:11 AM CST

    Fooey

    by mistermanreturns

    Some there might actually relate to the conclusion, who knows? This country is quickly turning into a bunch of teddy bear-hugging, simpering wimps who want to be coddled and cooed to. "Oh, how DARE they use 9/11 as a dramatic element?" PLEASE, PEOPLE. Since when does Hollywood deny any historical tragedy a place in dramatic (or whatever) story-lines? Hm, guess they shouldn't make any references to Pearl Harbor or the Holocaust (damn that 'Sophie's Choice"!). Good grief.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 13, 2010 7:16:50 PM CST

    What's Twilight?

    by fiester

    Is it a band or something?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 14, 2010 3:06:52 AM CDT

    New York reaction

    by gozu

    No one's seeing this piece of shit. A) It's not in 3D. B) Really?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 14, 2010 4:59:58 AM CDT

    fiester

    by themagicalhornofguntata

    http://tinyurl.com/ddx26z

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 14, 2010 9:14:31 PM CDT

    The Only 9/11 Love Story Worth Telling Is...

    by thecomedian

    The story of the man and the woman who held hands and jumped to their deaths from towers. That is the single saddest image from the attack. No one knows who they really were so you could actually tell this really great fictional unrequited "Jim and Pam" love story that ends horribly, horribly wrong. Basically just "Titanic" it.

    Seriously though, it really is still TOO SOON to make a GOOD 9/11 movie. Stone's World Trade was a mess, haven't seen "Rain On Me" so I can't judge it. But yeah, exploiting the tragedy as a plot twist in a stupid Robert Pattinson vehicle is lame. The only great performance this guy ever gave was as Fredrick Diggery in Goblet of Fire and that was mostly because he played such a good corpse after Voldermort offed him.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 15, 2010 7:38:38 PM CDT

    My own 12 word, one sound effect review of this:

    by jaylenotookmyjob

    Dad, she said we should make up. Nice view up here. Wha?!!? eeeeEEEEEEERRRRRrrrrrBluh-BOOM!!!!!!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 15, 2010 7:41:37 PM CDT

    "... they'd watch him taking a 90 minute shit if they could."

    by jaylenotookmyjob

    What? Pattinson's gonna be in a Lars Von Trier film now?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 15, 2010 7:42:15 PM CDT

    Actually, aren't ALL Pattinson flicks....

    by jaylenotookmyjob

    ...basically 90 minutes of shit anyway?

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 15, 2010 7:46:49 PM CDT

    My GF in an argument with her friend:

    by jaylenotookmyjob

    "I like him, but he's so pale and skinny. I'd go for the werewolf." "NO! He's ripped but Rob Pattinson makes me wet!" Me: "Uh, excuse me ladies... I'm going to go blow my brains out. I no longer need them after this conversation." (And these are chicks in their fuckin' 30s!) So yeah, sadly, the braindead diva crowd will make sure this abortion makes money.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 15, 2010 7:48:31 PM CDT

    Bottom line: Make all the 911 movies ya want!

    by jaylenotookmyjob

    But goddammit, can't you TRY to crap out a good 911 movie? Fuckin' Hollywood!

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 15, 2010 7:53:43 PM CDT

    I even think a 911 conspiracy movie...

    by jaylenotookmyjob

    ...could be good. Not that I believe in those wackadoos... they need a basic high school science class to start with. But something revolving around the conspiracy theories could be very enthralling and watchable. Of course even the mention of "911 Truth" would send every FOX News host into a massive cerebral hemorrhage to the extent of actually drowning the entire FOX building in exploded skull bits and oceans of spewed brain blood, so no one in Hollywood'll ever risk anything like that.

    Reply to Talkback

  • Mar 16, 2010 8:50:17 AM CDT

    Oh how I love Capone's reviews!

    by porterdsgn

    They are always a great read and so dead on!

    Reply to Talkback

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