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Lest we forget... SOLOMON KANE kicks ass!

Hey folks, Harry here with another reader that has discovered the absolute joy of SOLOMON KANE, which has yet to grace a theatrical release in the United States, despite being utterly badass. Here's a look from a reader called MC D-LYTE:

Hello Mister Knowles, I have been reading your fucking sweet web site for years and years but my English was never very good to write to you. But now I have learned to write it and want to give this to you because I live in Minsk, Belarus and I saw Solomon fucking Kane and when I check to see that it made mroe money than Avatar movie I see that is not even in the USA. What the fucking shit ball fuck shit? So I think maybe God is having me write this to give to you so that you can make it explode in America because it is the very best movie I have ever seen in a long time and other people should see it as well. Thank you and if you use it please call me MC D-Lyte SOLOMON FUCKING KANE DRAGS MY BALLS TO HELL!!!!!! Solomon Fucking Kane is Mel Gibsons new movie that is basicly Braveheart with demons. I dont think I have to write another thing else or that you even have to see it now because that basicly means the 2010 Best Pictures contest is over. OVER!!! Mel Gibsons must feels very bad about making English peoples look so bad in ass fuck awesome Braveheart because in this movie William Wallace is now English and not Scotch and his name is Solomon Fucking Kane. This movie is very much a autobiography for Mel Gibsons because in the beginning his ship gets stopped for drunk driving and he gets out is like "All the Jews started all the wars!!!" and then says "I run Malibu England!!!" and takes out two swords because all the times Mel Gibsons watches Braveheart he says "fuck my cock why dont I have two swords instead of one like a loose pussy of my x wife?" and then Solomon storms the castle and you can tell the guards have been seeing Braveheart because they stop to shit there pants when they see him and then he sticks his swords in there throats and makes them dance like puppets. There are about a hundred guards and this is very sweet like when they storm the castle at Lord of the Ring 2 Towers excpet if Eastern Promises had been by himself instead of the gay and the dwarf there as well and he had to get in the castle to fuck Maria Bello in Historys of Violence. Then the castle turns into the Pan Labrynth movie and Mel Gibsons tells his men to shut the fuck up bitches or theyll wake the demon with the eyeballs on his hands but its too late and they wake him up and his whole family and they get FUCKED UP! Solomon is like "sweet, more gold for me" but then there is the Drag Me To Hell monster from Paranormal Activity and he say he is going to drag Mel Gibsons to hell because he sold his soul to the devil, and Mel Gibsons is like "I am sorry for Leathal Weapon 4 and Man Without a Face, but Im Catholic and made Road Warrior movies so I cant go to hell", but the demon is like "your not going to hell for that, is for What Women Want" and everyone is like "oh shit hes right", but then Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window. That is the first 5 minutes and already you have cum like 20 times in your pants and need to wash and Mel Gibsons knows this so he puts in the credits for you to go to the toilet next and then he has Solomon acting like a scared bitch about going to hell and he lives with a priests, but the priests is like "listen Solomon you have to leave because everyone is back from the bathroom to clean up the cum in there pants and they are paying good moneys to see you slice people open with your swords". But Solomon says "if I slice people open with my swords and take a blood shower in there blood then I will go to hell" and the priests says that he talks to God and God says that blood showers make God very happy and he will go to heaven instead. So Solomon is like sweet because slicing people open with my swords and taking blood showers is the thing I am best at and makes me so happy. And God wants him to be happy.... very happy. And so then God must wantme to be happy too because the thing at which I am best is watching Mel Gibsons slice people open with swords and take showers in there blood. This movie will make a lot of people want to become Catholics because it is also very much like Passion of a Christ except if Jesus was the one torturing the shit of people for two hours and also if Jesus was dressed in the costume from Eli Roths Thanksgiving movie. So church will be packed next Sunday because boners! I will not write very much else because they try to have a story for all the Academy Award voters and I dont want to expose it for anyone who maybe cares (bitch asses). There is so much sweet shit that I have not said that my brain is getting a boner so hard right now that it is going to brake threw the back of my mouth and make me blow it when I think of it all. This movie obvusly costs a billion dollars to make because Mel Gibsons did crazy as usual reasearch and was like "I wonder how many hacks with a sword it really takes to chop off someones head" so they bought a million pigs and chopped off there heads with swords and they were like "it takes four chops", but for Solomon it takes three because fuck you hes Solomon Fucking Kane!!!
Readers Talkback
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  • March 2, 2010, 5:32 p.m. CST

    What the fucking shit ball fuck shit?

    by manifestchaos

    INDEED.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:32 p.m. CST

    wow, that was something!

    by darwinmayflower

  • March 2, 2010, 5:32 p.m. CST

    is DRAGS MY BALLS TO HELL a good thing?

    by manifestchaos

    or a bad? (btw)

  • March 2, 2010, 5:33 p.m. CST

    what the hell?

    by Somerichs

    I men what the hell?

  • March 2, 2010, 5:33 p.m. CST

    First

    by ChocolateJesusMan

    a small bit of advice to Harry & Whomever wrote this "Review"...PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE

  • March 2, 2010, 5:34 p.m. CST

    Machuca

    by bloodawn5

    Why this hasnt arrived?

  • March 2, 2010, 5:35 p.m. CST

    uhhh...

    by frankenfickle

    ?

  • March 2, 2010, 5:36 p.m. CST

    BTW HARRY can we replace Capone with this guy???

    by manifestchaos

    Capone is unfunny, disingenuous, and a complete outright asshole, but I sense a certain genuine enthusiasm beneath this man's reams of expletives and inchoate cinematic references.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:36 p.m. CST

    Great review

    by Chain

  • March 2, 2010, 5:37 p.m. CST

    A++++ would read again!!!!!

    by manifestchaos

    :) fire capone :)

  • March 2, 2010, 5:40 p.m. CST

    Terrible review

    by jimmy_009

    Please don't publish this kind of review. It taints your site and is barely legible.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:41 p.m. CST

    HAHAHAHA!

    by Traumnovelle

    "Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window." <P> This dude is rad!

  • March 2, 2010, 5:41 p.m. CST

    great review, not that great movie

    by Wehmenstein

    I mean, ripping yourself off a cross is badass as shit, but the rest of this movie mostly plays out like an extended episode of Xena: Warrior Princess

  • March 2, 2010, 5:42 p.m. CST

    Mel Gibson?

    by jimmy_009

    What the hell is this moron talking about?

  • March 2, 2010, 5:43 p.m. CST

    Proof this site is shit now.

    by Fah-Cue

    WTF? I think this article was posted to show that there is a writer WORSE than Harry. Way to waste my time.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:43 p.m. CST

    Saw this a couple weeks ago

    by barnaby jones

    Its a solid movie, some of the acting is a little wobberly and storywise it's pretty pedestrian but otherwise fairly enjoyable.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:47 p.m. CST

    Best. Review. Ever.

    by shoveller

    That is all.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:48 p.m. CST

    by djdeathstar

  • March 2, 2010, 5:49 p.m. CST

    quote for the poster

    by charlesbronsonLIVES

    "There is so much sweet shit that I have not said that my brain is getting a boner so hard right now that it is going to brake threw the back of my mouth and make me blow it when I think of it all. "

  • March 2, 2010, 5:52 p.m. CST

    Jesus Christ

    by djdeathstar

    This reviewer still needs to learn English and his language is vile this movie looks crappy better than Avatar or Braveheart dream on

  • March 2, 2010, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Is it really any good?

    by phool2056

    I read the screenplay for this a couple of years ago, and it seemed pretty much pedestrian and formulaic. Like, dialogue written entirely in order to advance an extremely familiar plot. I don't know if that was the final shooting script or really anything about it, but I was so bored by that script I just wrote it off.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:53 p.m. CST

    Um... this is a plant...

    by yourSTEPDADDY

    ...Didnt read the entire review, but the first thing i saw was somethin bout this site bein "sweet" for years... um, this site hasnt been sweet since before Grindhouse was made... and how dare you all make fun of the site owner aka the great Capone?! he should find you and beat you down wit a baseball bat or a tommy gun...

  • March 2, 2010, 5:54 p.m. CST

    This review = Blu-Ray Special Feature

    by BackwardGalaxy

    Seriously. When the movie is released on Blu-Ray, this should be one of the special features. And they should get Dame Judi Dench to read it.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:55 p.m. CST

    This guy's gonna fit right in.

    by lotharius3rd1118

    With that masterly control of the English language. BTW, the movie? What the fuck is this movie? IMDB doesn't say anything and according to this review, it has Mel Gibson in a pre-release remake of that nicolas cage Season of the Witch movie. So, really, what the fuck is this movie?

  • March 2, 2010, 5:56 p.m. CST

    Um . . .Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this, right?

    by One-Eyed Willy

    I had to imdb this to be sure. Wow, spectacular! He's like a Russian Glen Beck!

  • March 2, 2010, 5:57 p.m. CST

    BackwardGalaxy

    by manifestchaos

    Judi Dench would be okay, but I'd prefer Kelsey Grammer, Sean Connery, Christopher Walken, Tim Curry ... or a rotating chorus of all the above!

  • March 2, 2010, 5:57 p.m. CST

    This guy should be a constant contributor to this site.

    by Mike_D

    do it.

  • March 2, 2010, 5:58 p.m. CST

    @JackSlater4

    by fatjesuschrysler

    I thought that exact same thing as I was reading it. Fucking hilarious!

  • March 2, 2010, 5:59 p.m. CST

    Best. Review. Ever.

    by The Reluctant Austinite

    I have soiled my pants. I want AICN to hire this master of the language of film IMMEDIATELY. Who else could consider that Solomon Kane is "like Passion of a Christ except if Jesus was the one torturing the shit of people for two hours and also if Jesus was dressed in the costume from Eli Roths Thanksgiving movie"? You sir, are a film critic for today's world.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:09 p.m. CST

    hmmmmm

    by HolyJebus

    Saw this a few weeks back. Don't let this guy get your hopes up too much. Seriously.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:10 p.m. CST

    "Your fucking sweet web site..."

    by IndyCollector

    Seriously?

  • March 2, 2010, 6:11 p.m. CST

    Harry wrote this review himself

    by jdb1972

    C'mon, it's no more literate (not to mention coherent) than anything else he's ever written.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:12 p.m. CST

    "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely

    by Zahaladeen

    and at no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

  • March 2, 2010, 6:12 p.m. CST

    This review was

    by tohn007

    funny as hell! The whole time I am reading it, I have this weird fucking accent in my head to go along with it. Some of the analogies he uses reminds me of that fucking guy who supposedly saw Cloverfield before it came out and sent in his review. I can't remember that guys fucking name to save my life.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:14 p.m. CST

    This review made me believe in God again

    by bright boy

    I might even be in church this Sunday with the huge boner this review has left me with. Instead of MC DLyte his handle should be "A Prophet".

  • March 2, 2010, 6:14 p.m. CST

    Do I Smell Patton Oswald?

    by dixieflyer

    If this is an Oswald review then A+++ If not it still gets an A+++ Either way this review is full of win.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:15 p.m. CST

    So Fat Harry, you and the "wife" got drunk...

    by Doctor Cosmic

    ...and then she reviewed "Solomon Kane" in her native mail-order bride language, which you directly translated and posted here. Pathetic. I'll wait for a REAL review.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:15 p.m. CST

    Did AsimovLives write this review?

    by D.Vader

  • March 2, 2010, 6:16 p.m. CST

    ... just read it...

    by yourSTEPDADDY

    ...Eh... he is tryin to hard to be Neil Cumpston...

  • March 2, 2010, 6:17 p.m. CST

    ... or maybe he is related to MC Lyte...

    by yourSTEPDADDY

    ...A washed up female rapper from the nineties...

  • March 2, 2010, 6:19 p.m. CST

    Not bad...but Neil Cumpston still owns

    by BubbaDestructo

    That is all.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:19 p.m. CST

    by fatjesuschrysler

  • March 2, 2010, 6:22 p.m. CST

    MORE REH INSPIRED FILMS

    by BranMakMorn

    are needed these days! But I'm biased.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:23 p.m. CST

    WEAK attempt at doing a Vern/Cumpston

    by MaxCalifornia.

    Let's not encourage this kind of shit, please.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:24 p.m. CST

    Harry, just so we're clear:

    by rabidfnark

    If I see this, and it does anything less than rock my fucking eyes out, I will be sorely disappointed, and will lay the blame squarely at your feet. So there (nyaah).

  • March 2, 2010, 6:24 p.m. CST

    are the demons all jews???

    by brabon300

    fuck that nazi lovin, jew hating bastard<p> wont watch anything that he is in, produces or directs<p> and shame on this site for promoting his filth

  • March 2, 2010, 6:25 p.m. CST

    Who the hell wrote this, Gordon Ramsey?!?!?

    by MrMysteryGuest

  • March 2, 2010, 6:26 p.m. CST

    A joyous read.

    by Majereuk

    I have to admit I always like the way that people who don't have English as a first language write it- there's a certain lack of subterfugue. Sure 'What the fucking shit ball fuck shit' speaks of limited vocabulary, but the point is made. And if you really, really must puff up your ego to make some sort of complaint about this, kindly have the decency to do it in Russian. After all, this guy took the time to learn your language.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:28 p.m. CST

    What incoherent garbage is this?

    by kolchakfan

    Maybe the next review we get for this will at least contain a shred of intelligence behind it. You really shouldn't post junk like this. It just makes the site look bad.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:30 p.m. CST

    I've heard bad things about this movie

    by D o o d

    it was reviewed in the UK and was pretty much panned as a rubbish film.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:30 p.m. CST

    Funniest review on this site in years.....

    by DarthRazor

    This was hysterical, absolutley hysterical.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:37 p.m. CST

    Seen this...

    by FullMetal_Atheist

    Saw this last March at a distributer screening in Beverly Hills (thanks to Harry, actually) and it's good, but not great. James Purefoy/Mel Gibsons is terrific and it's sort of like Witchfinder General, if Matthew Hopkins was the good guy. It relies too much on ripping off other, better, films though - the Balrog finale in particular. Loved the review, but I don't think this guy is for real. He's trying to hard to be a Slavic Neil Cumpston. I suspect it's Moriarty, after his old job back - look at the name, it even looks like a variation on Mori's stage name, 'Drew McWeeny'.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:37 p.m. CST

    AND....

    by D o o d

    Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this project. I don't have a clue what this mumbling idiot is talking about!

  • March 2, 2010, 6:41 p.m. CST

    I didn't forget (about Solomon Kane)

    by IAmLegolas

    I've been waiting a year to see this thing yet no U.S. date has been announced. Boy, you guys really want me to go illegally download this thing, don't you?

  • March 2, 2010, 6:46 p.m. CST

    Joke review, yes, original, no...

    by yourSTEPDADDY

    ...I like these reviews IF they are done by Neil... if its not him, its a imitation... and no one wants imitation vag!...

  • March 2, 2010, 6:47 p.m. CST

    You tried too hard dude

    by chien_sale

    You're like the opposite of cool and funny.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:47 p.m. CST

    That must be one BIG FUCKING BONG.

    by Gman22

    That motherfucker is smoking the pipe of peace.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:52 p.m. CST

    that review speaks to me on a personal level

    by Disgustin_Justin

  • March 2, 2010, 6:53 p.m. CST

    Just saw the trailer.

    by Mike_D

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lalm_kkczVM Looks good, cant believe we didn't get it in the states.

  • March 2, 2010, 6:53 p.m. CST

    I shall post in the same style as the reviewer

    by Crooooooow

    That kitten BALLS lame fire TREE!

  • March 2, 2010, 6:54 p.m. CST

    That review was an incoherent mess

    by alan_poon

    And for that reason, I'm out.

  • March 2, 2010, 7 p.m. CST

    Borat's a reviewer now?

    by critter42c

    I mean WTF? Reviews only make me want to see a movie when they don't require me to work at understanding them.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:04 p.m. CST

    Now I know why all those kids died in Beslan...

    by workshed

    ...crazy fucking Russians. Great review. Reminded me of Harry's 'Blade II' review.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:07 p.m. CST

    english language= fucking fucked.

    by alice133

    feel right at fucking home here.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:08 p.m. CST

    This review is actually quite typical of this site.

    by Azlam Orlandu

    And the rest of you talkback cocksuckers.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:11 p.m. CST

    The most unreadable bunch of words ever...

    by tang126

    Someone is (lamely) trying to do the whole N. Cumpston schtick. And failing miserably (hell, even the real thing isn't all that, after 1-2 times). This isn't a review as much as it is ignorant, juvenile verbal diarrhea. Someone needs their keyboard and ISP taken away.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:13 p.m. CST

    Review, unfunny. Crow's review of review, funny!

    by JasonPratt

    Funniest thing I've read all week, actually.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:13 p.m. CST

    MOVIE SLAYS (only 1 complaint)

    by the Green Gargantua

    and I will not discuss it because it is a spoiler.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:14 p.m. CST

    was gonna review this a few weeks ago

    by Waka_Flocka

    wish i had now.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:17 p.m. CST

    Oh my fucking God

    by Sawney Bean

    I am laughing so fucking hard right now. Ahahahahahahahahaha

  • March 2, 2010, 7:19 p.m. CST

    you thought the review was bad

    by sheepshagger

    wait til you get a load of the movie. Saw this last week and it is shit, great opening 5 mins, followed by an hour and a half of am i good/am i bad bollocks and then topped off with a video game bad guy ending.Avoid.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:19 p.m. CST

    the film is definitely worth checking out

    by Waka_Flocka

    the base is there now, i think the next one set in North Africa would iron out the imperfections of this movie. i was just happy it made it to theatres. yes, it is better than pathfinder. green can u hint at what you didn't like? was it the thing that appears at the end?

  • March 2, 2010, 7:23 p.m. CST

    81st

    by Count Screwface

  • March 2, 2010, 7:24 p.m. CST

    technical question

    by Disgustin_Justin

    How do you put a space in a talkback name?

  • March 2, 2010, 7:25 p.m. CST

    Spaces aren't allowed anymore i think

    by Waka_Flocka

    it's there if you're name was made before a certain time. im sure one of my old accounts had a space

  • March 2, 2010, 7:35 p.m. CST

    MC D-Lyte = The new Neil Cumpston?

    by JayLenoTookMyJob

    ...Or the new JetL93? You be the judge.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:36 p.m. CST

    4/10

    by cricklewood

    Saw this a few weeks ago in the UK, and found it mildly entertaining. It was like Van Helsing with more blood. Not much more than that though. An ok-ish boy's film, chop, chop, argh, splat fest.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:37 p.m. CST

    Harry!

    by JayLenoTookMyJob

    Hire this fucker for ALL the reviews on your site.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:42 p.m. CST

    Holy fucking shit this dream of mine!!!

    by MC_DLyte

    Damn this is so amazing right now. I have never thinked in a million years I can be on this awesome fucking website of yours. I am using very much babel fish at altavista.com now to see what all the people are saying and I am cumming in my pants. Even those of the peoples who think Iam a stupid fucking shit fuck that is okay because I love every person of you so much right now. I learn English right now because another dream of mine is to make my son the new Jean Claude Van Damme and go to America and be his manager. So Im making a blogs of movies to practice my English for when this other dream of mine will come true. You can read at www.residentevilgenius.blogspot.com

  • March 2, 2010, 7:43 p.m. CST

    I think I've figured this thing out now...

    by JayLenoTookMyJob

    ...MC D-Lyte = The love child of Natasha Badanov and Drago from Rocky IV hooked on badly made Russian meth cooked up from potato skins, Windex and shoe polish. Sounds about right.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:44 p.m. CST

    Oh and MC?...

    by JayLenoTookMyJob

    ... I mean that in a GOOD way.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:44 p.m. CST

    funny review

    by antonphd

    i guess it answers my question about whether or not eastern europe has access to ridalin.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:46 p.m. CST

    If I go to your blog, no one's going to hack my computer...

    by JayLenoTookMyJob

    ...and empty all my debit card accounts or try to sell me a hairy Russian mail order bride with boils on her face are they? We want to know, MC, before we risk it.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:48 p.m. CST

    Lastly,

    by JayLenoTookMyJob

    "I am stupid fucking shit fuck but I love every person of you" is now my new catchphrase!

  • March 2, 2010, 7:49 p.m. CST

    Drags my balls to Hell! =

    by Sulla

    Best fucking quote ever! Can't wait to see this movie! ;) With REH's Conan now being completely ruined, this will do justice to his work I'm hoping, because the new Conan movie is FUCKED.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:50 p.m. CST

    I Love Mel "I Hate Jews" Gibson......

    by IH8HARRY

    ...but all joking aside. What the fuck was that MC D-Lyte? I like to curse just as much as the next AICN junkie....but tone it down. That review was bad....like real bad. You sounded like a Buddhist Monk gettin' his first piece of pussy.

  • March 2, 2010, 7:50 p.m. CST

    heres the link if you wanna watch it

    by IamHERE

    http://www.movies-links.tv/movies/solomon_kane/

  • March 2, 2010, 7:51 p.m. CST

    Unreadable

    by Jimbonx

    wtf is this shiz

  • March 2, 2010, 7:55 p.m. CST

    So church will be packed next Sunday because boners!

    by Young Moses

    YES!

  • March 2, 2010, 7:55 p.m. CST

    Is MC D-Lyte really Michael Bay?

    by IH8HARRY

    Sorry, this AICN and every talkback has a 1 Michael Bay comment quota

  • March 2, 2010, 8 p.m. CST

    JayLenoTookMyJob

    by MC_DLyte

    My sweet fucking website not as good as this sweet fucking website is so safe you can take my promise. But if you no how to get credit cards then email me because YES!

  • March 2, 2010, 8:02 p.m. CST

    What?

    by IH8HARRY

  • March 2, 2010, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Jimbonz is RIGHT!

    by Linguo_IS_Dead

    I can't get past the first two sentences. This review (and reviewer) is a waste of space.

  • March 2, 2010, 8:03 p.m. CST

    MCD-Lyte 2012

    by SWEARENGINE

    that was some funny shit

  • March 2, 2010, 8:07 p.m. CST

    IH8HARRY

    by BurnHollywood

    "Sorry, this AICN and every talkback has a 1 Michael Bay comment quota"<p> Well, I guess I'll make your day by mentioning him one more time:<p> Michael Bay's TRANFORMERS is a reeking celluloid sewage pit, and everyone looking forward to TF3 is probably also looking forward to the next set of balls dancing away on their chin as they gobble away like a one man turkey farm.<p> How's that, noob?

  • March 2, 2010, 8:13 p.m. CST

    Transformers 3 will elicit real boners!

    by Disgustin_Justin

  • March 2, 2010, 8:13 p.m. CST

    BurnHollywood....

    by IH8HARRY

    I see you got out of prison early. Then again, Obama always had a soft spot for pedophiles. Speaking of soft spots, how's your anus?

  • March 2, 2010, 8:13 p.m. CST

    that review...

    by acebandage

    was about as entertaining and helpful as punching a retard in the throat! What the FUCK! Don't EVER post anything like that again or I may visit your site again! I swear to God reading that made me feel like throwing a baby at a telephone pole out of a moving car!

  • March 2, 2010, 8:15 p.m. CST

    As far as the noob thing goes...

    by IH8HARRY

    I've been AICN many years now...just not under the same name. I've been banned quite a bit. Just like you're banned from elementry schools, graveyards, zoos, etc...

  • March 2, 2010, 8:15 p.m. CST

    Hilarious review !!!

    by ominus

    they should turn it into a movie.it would have been amazing.

  • March 2, 2010, 8:15 p.m. CST

    In my head the guy who wrote this is Berserker guy

    by RobertBaron

    from Clerks

  • March 2, 2010, 8:22 p.m. CST

    IH8HARRY

    by BurnHollywood

    Sorry, kiddo, but PWNING a 13-year-old newbie on a public forum doesn't quite qualify as "pedophilia", much as you might want a grown man's booze-stinking, hot breath on the back of your neck.<p> It's actually a public service.

  • March 2, 2010, 8:23 p.m. CST

    Typos, Typos, Typos....

    by IH8HARRY

    I'm starting to sound like that Mc Dick Lyte guy who wrote this retarded review.

  • March 2, 2010, 8:30 p.m. CST

    I was thinking this guy was a plant...

    by bright boy

    albeit a funny plant, but that blog has me questioning myself. I almost liked it better when I was sure it was fake... now I'm slightly disturbed.

  • March 2, 2010, 8:31 p.m. CST

    Mike Bay is wonna the baddest mothafukars of all time

    by FuckemIfTheyCantTakeAMichaelBay

    You can aaaaaall lick his shit if you don't like it!

  • March 2, 2010, 8:39 p.m. CST

    Lest We Forget...

    by filegumbo

    Many reviews on AICN are illiterate and unreadable. My God, any manner of keyboard diarrhea just gets slapped up on this site. There are absolutely no standards when it comes to the English language and coherent writing...at least since Moriarty left.

  • March 2, 2010, 8:39 p.m. CST

    BurnHollywood....

    by IH8HARRY

    You wrote "PWNING a 13-year-old newbie" Im assuming you meant "PAWNING a 13-year-old" ...You're basically telling on yourself. We all know that you're in to the whole "Human trafficing" thing, but don't bring it here dude. So...you wanna see Transfomers 3? Maybe they'll get a projector and show it on your prison wall. It will break up the monotony of aggresive butt-sex with your cellmate. I'm sure you're tired of feeling him tear anyways.

  • March 2, 2010, 8:42 p.m. CST

    US Theaters getting it in Nov??

    by Franky_Four_Fingers

    We have to wait 8 months before our balls get dragged to hell?

  • March 2, 2010, 8:46 p.m. CST

    ......BurnHollywood

    by IH8HARRY

    tear, tear, tear that pink meat. You're a tearorist

  • March 2, 2010, 9:04 p.m. CST

    The Berserker Guy from "Clerks"!

    by The Reluctant Austinite

    Hats off to the Talkbacker who put that image in my head. I thought this couldn't be any funnier. That's funnier.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:07 p.m. CST

    by TampaBayLightning

    PWNING is gamer jargon for owning, ie destroying. Seriously, half of you sound like the guy who wrote that review was your teacher.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:11 p.m. CST

    TampaBayLightning...

    by IH8HARRY

    It's also jargon for pedophiles...like you. As far as the retard who wrote this review, that guy is like a God onto you. Have fun gaming, let me know how that's working out for you.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:16 p.m. CST

    retarded review, good movie

    by rossjohnson2806

    saw it last week and its a very solid movie. don't go in expecting anything amazing and you won't be disappointed.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:23 p.m. CST

    Is this guy a retarded 18 year old...

    by couchtrip105

    that is trying to be fun and hip with the cussing? Learn how to write first then play with the language. In the meantime, stay in your parents basement.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:23 p.m. CST

    by Darth Pete

  • March 2, 2010, 9:24 p.m. CST

    So is the movie PG or PG-13

    by Darth Pete

  • March 2, 2010, 9:28 p.m. CST

    couchtrip105

    by buenosueno

    I don't think it's this guy who is retarded, but rather the American culture we ship out to Eastern European countries making them think this kind of "English" is a proper way of expressing yourself. And as far as his review being shit, I'd like to see all the haters put their money where their mouths are write something good/funny enough to get posted by Harry. I can guarantee without a doubt that you could not.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:31 p.m. CST

    can't wait

    by El Borak

    the trailer looks bad ass.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:40 p.m. CST

    by Omar B

    I'm gonna have my 6 month old niece crawl across the keyboard and submit it as a review. But really, I quit reading at the Mel Gibson name check.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:47 p.m. CST

    Seriously?

    by truedog67

    all the times Mel Gibsons watches Braveheart he says "fuck my cock why dont I have two swords instead of one like a loose pussy of my x wife?" Is it April Fool's Day?

  • March 2, 2010, 9:50 p.m. CST

    this review kicked ass.

    by Warcraft

    i would read this again. i'm actually pretty pumped for solomon kane.

  • March 2, 2010, 9:55 p.m. CST

    i love this

    by El Borak

    are the demons all jews???<br> <br>by brabon300 Mar 2nd, 2010 06:24:51 PM<br> <br>fuck that nazi lovin, jew hating bastard wont watch anything that he is in, produces or directs.<br> and shame on this site for promoting his filth

  • March 2, 2010, 10:16 p.m. CST

    ?

    by WickedChicken37

    No really... ?

  • March 2, 2010, 10:26 p.m. CST

    solomon kane drags my balls to

    by Franklancer

    hell, has a beer, and cheat son his wife

  • March 2, 2010, 10:26 p.m. CST

    Where is he getting Mel Gibson from?

    by WickedChicken37

    James Purefoy is Solomon Kane. I think my brain is melting.

  • March 2, 2010, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Bollocks.

    by Human_Bean_Juice_

    The movie is talky and dull. Big fan of Purefoy from his Rome days so I went in wanting to love this, but was stung big time. Guys it's fucking mediocre.

  • March 2, 2010, 10:30 p.m. CST

    OMFG

    by Tacoloft

    Was anyone else chuckling by the end of reading this? It was fantastic schizophrenia laden humor.

  • March 2, 2010, 10:39 p.m. CST

    I bet this guy is from Ohio

    by jimmy_009

    Fake, dumb, unfunny. Why run this crap?

  • March 2, 2010, 10:41 p.m. CST

    Over-rated

    by Jarek

    Saw it at AFM. Some fun set-pieces, but thinly-veiled preachy messages and weird pacing don't do it any favours. See it, but don't expect too much.

  • March 2, 2010, 10:44 p.m. CST

    So, Harry you do not like Mel?

    by Darth Pete

    I am not the worlds greatest detective but I think Harry does not like Mel. Hmmmm.??

  • March 2, 2010, 10:46 p.m. CST

    Unreable. Unfunny. Insipid.

    by fiester

    Not to mention painful. Even for a quick skim. You guys can do better.

  • March 2, 2010, 11:01 p.m. CST

    fucking shit ball fuck shit

    by strosmer

    That's the best.

  • March 2, 2010, 11:01 p.m. CST

    Sucking up to the editor in chief - easiest way to

    by HucksterFinn

    get a review published on a website: "I have been reading your fucking sweet web site for years"

  • March 2, 2010, 11:05 p.m. CST

    Wow. That's the final straw.

    by Fuzzinate It

    You're not even trying anymore, AICN. I'm off to io9 and never returning. You used to be so good. What happened?

  • March 2, 2010, 11:21 p.m. CST

    BORAT!!

    by Anklavepak

    Thank you Borat, great review!

  • March 2, 2010, 11:27 p.m. CST

    I don't what you just said, but your special

    by Pitofbenders

    and holy fuck what a review. That was a good crazy ass rant, give this guy a job!

  • March 2, 2010, 11:41 p.m. CST

    The only thing funnier

    by Roc Ingersoll

    than this awesome review, is all the morons posting "But Mel Gibson isn't in it" and critiquing the writing style as unprofessional. You people make the talkbacks worth reading.

  • March 2, 2010, 11:47 p.m. CST

    that was GREAT!

    by frank cotton

    i will still be laughing tomorrow...PWNING looks too much like PAWNING to me

  • March 3, 2010, 12:14 a.m. CST

    Roc

    by jimmy_009

    Not everyone is in Jr. High and thinks it's funny when someone says fuck or boner. I think that's where the backlash is coming from, not that we don't "get it". "It" has been done a billion times on this site and isn't original or amusing to anyone but a junior high kid.

  • March 3, 2010, 12:18 a.m. CST

    Awesome review

    by Happyfat73

    It's like he learned english by reading only Neill Cumpston reviews. What ever happened to Cumpston btw? Didn't move to Belarus, did he?

  • March 3, 2010, 12:20 a.m. CST

    Best thing about this review

    by Happyfat73

    is laughing at all the people who think it's serious.

  • March 3, 2010, 12:27 a.m. CST

    this review drags my fucking balls to hell

    by nukeface

  • March 3, 2010, 12:31 a.m. CST

    whoever didn't laugh is a boner fart

    by nukeface

    fuckin squares

  • March 3, 2010, 1 a.m. CST

    Well hey now

    by watch_the_world_burn

    AsimovLives wrote a review

  • March 3, 2010, 1:09 a.m. CST

    Watching it as I post this

    by _Scion_

    It's a bit dark for my taste but I guess I'll get used to it, the sound quality seems OK. Am I allowed to say where it's posted on here?

  • March 3, 2010, 1:24 a.m. CST

    Sigh

    by Renegade_Steel

    Why do so many people here take things like this seriously? There should honestly be alot more reviews out there like this. The kind that just straight up give you a broner

  • March 3, 2010, 2:03 a.m. CST

    I call shenannigans.

    by ebonic_plague

    Funny, but still just the fake-russian Neil Cumpston. Though I award bonus points because boners.

  • March 3, 2010, 2:05 a.m. CST

    Movie reviews...

    by rost

    ... are to let you know if some movies are going to give you boners, not if some movies are going to make you think about the meaning of life and make your dick fall off. (MC_DLyte)

  • March 3, 2010, 2:10 a.m. CST

    So

    by liesandpicturesofalsolies

    Another round of interviews with Megan Fox where she talks about how it was simply awful to grow up blazingly hot. Gag. I doubt she can fuck this movie up, though. She is not total garbage.

  • March 3, 2010, 2:28 a.m. CST

    OK, you get a pass for a funny review

    by palimpsest

    And SOLOMON KANE is fine. Not great, but more than OK. Better than OUTLANDER, at any rate. Deserves a release in the US, and Michael Bassett deserves some support.

  • March 3, 2010, 2:59 a.m. CST

    Film is amazingly....

    by UndeadXeke

    ...mediocre. That's all there is to it really. It's not the worst movie ever but it's so completely average.<P>The main reason behind this is the script. It's like they figured a few cool(ish) fight scenes will make an great movie and everything else, story included, is just filler.<P>Sucks, because I was really looking forward to it as well.

  • March 3, 2010, 2:59 a.m. CST

    If this guy is real

    by gotilk

    I wanna buy him a beer. If it's a hoax, I still wanna buy her a beer.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:01 a.m. CST

    Wait.. liesandpicturesofalsolies

    by gotilk

    did you say the RealDoll(c) is in this? weird.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:03 a.m. CST

    Best review ever.

    by David Cloverfield

    Hire this guy. A mix of the styles of Vern and the Fat Chicks in Party Hats guy. I've learned a lot of my english AICN too, and the first time I used the well known american saying "choclate covered pussy juice" people looked at me funny.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:14 a.m. CST

    SOLOMON KANE

    by Darth Scourge

    Saw this in UK about two weeks ago, enjoyed it a lot. As a major fan of REH's stories, I'd been waiting for this movie for a long time. It takes a few liberties with the character, but manages to transpose the essence of Kane fairly well. Fight scenes are suitably visceral, and Purefoy is excellent.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:22 a.m. CST

    That's actually a pretty accurate review!

    by The Dark Shite

    Especially of the first 5 mins, with the guards on swords & the Pan's Labrynth guy & bit where he says.."Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window".<p> It pretty much DOES happen like that. Minus Mel Gibson. I mean Gibsons:-).

  • March 3, 2010, 3:27 a.m. CST

    liesandpicturesofalsolies..

    by The Dark Shite

    Megan Fox isn't in Soloman Kane. Maybe you're confusing Kane with Jonah Hex? <p> Unless you think Megan Fox looks like Pete Poslethwaite.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:27 a.m. CST

    Filmtwats review is the best!

    by morgle

    its a crock of shit seen it myself, this review sums it up much better than anyone i know!! http://www.filmtwats.com/filmtwa1/reviews/chris%e2%80%99-review-of-solomon-kane/

  • March 3, 2010, 3:28 a.m. CST

    April 1st came early...

    by DC Films

    Very funny, Harry.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:34 a.m. CST

    Damn!

    by Porrohman

    eberts reviews have really gone down hill lately!

  • March 3, 2010, 3:43 a.m. CST

    Wow...

    by tomimt

    That really is some fucked up shit right there.

  • March 3, 2010, 4:02 a.m. CST

    yes, i can confirm it's better than Van Helsing

    by newc0253

    but i'm sorry to say it ain't Braveheart either (i'm not quite sure why that would be anyone's comparator for a Robert E Howard flick, but the guy lives in Belarus so i'll cut him some slack).<p> i saw it in London a couple of weeks ago and it reminded me of thin nourishing gruel, but in a good way. First of all, i haven't read any of Howard's Kane stories so i can judge how faithful it is. But it certainly has the *feel* of something that's faithful to the original: how else to explain the films quite extraordinary commitment to historical realism and the puritan worldview, even while there are guys fighting in the mud with demons? What's best about this film, besides Purefoy's own performance (which is great), is how willing it is to avoid the usual conventions of action or horror or fantasy films in order to build an atmosphere of faith and fatalism. There's an action sequence at the start that Stephen Sommers might have directed, but after that, there's actually quite a long stretch of film which eschews action in favour of showing Kane as a lost soul seeking redemption, and his relationship with a family of puritans. Of course, the action returns eventually, and with a vengance, but the film takes its time, and i admired that. The buildup means that, when the time comes for Kane to chose between his immortal soul and his desire to do good, it shines through as probably the film's strongest moment - a truly wrenching dilemma that Purefoy really sells. Secondly, the setting ain't sparkly high fantasy, despite its castles, demons and devils of various kinds. It's very muddy sword and sorcery, with a stong base of what feels like historical fiction even though it ain't. Also, the entire thing looks like it was shot in winter. In the rain. It's very well shot too, but would it have killed them to show a season other than January?<p> The film's main weaknesses are a failure to build its plot, and the lack of any interesting characters besides Kane himself, and that includes the main villain(s). Peter Postleswhaite and Alice Krige do a good job as puritans, but they're ultimately more setup than anything else. I won't give away the big reveal, but safe to say that you can probably guess relatively early on who one of the big bads is gonna be, while the other big bad is introduced in pretty much the final scene and is as stock as they come.<p> given that Kane doesn't appear to have gotten a north american release, i feel bad about saying that the review above is the kind of hype that it doesn't need. I sincerely hope Kane does end up getting a wide release, since its definitely a different kind of action hero and the world needs more old fashioned (as in badass ass-kicking puritans) Howard fantasy heros. Also its a good film to take your history students, since its one of the more unromanticised depictions of a historical period i've seen since, i dunno, Unforgiven? But, at the same time, having seen Kane, it's hard to recommend it unreservedly for this film surely has its flaws. I haven't seen Wolfman yet, but i get the impression its kind of the same deal: well done but disappointing. Instead, I think Kane is the kind of film that - if it manages to do well - will end up having a sequel that does away with all the flaws of the original and gives us something truly great.

  • March 3, 2010, 4:08 a.m. CST

    I'm GLAD AICN posts shit like this

    by judge dredds fresh undies

    For every person that finds something like this complete rubbish there is another that will derive some laughs from it.<br><br> Who comes to AICN expecting proffesionalism?!

  • March 3, 2010, 4:09 a.m. CST

    Still not interested in seeing Solomon Kane however

    by judge dredds fresh undies

  • March 3, 2010, 4:34 a.m. CST

    Best REVIEW EVER! Harry, learn.

    by onezeroone

    Harry, could use a tip or two on how to jizz all over your review without making readers roll their eyes. <p> Moral of the erview: If you wanna talk nonsense, don't pretend to make any sense.

  • March 3, 2010, 4:43 a.m. CST

    all AICN reviews used to be like this

    by savagedave

    Look on the bright side, it's at least as coherent as anything Harry writes.

  • March 3, 2010, 4:48 a.m. CST

    Like hell this guy is form Belarus!!!

    by AsimovLives

    This is an american guy pretending to be a bielo-russian so he can get away with pseudo-bad english witticisms. And he makes me want to not watch the movie, which is just wrong, because i want to watch this movie.

  • March 3, 2010, 4:48 a.m. CST

    by WarcraftStoleMyLife

    Great,now people are going to think that Solomon Kane is for retards. Okay maybe English isn't the guy's first language, but Mel fething Gibson???? Fair enough he made the mistake, but WTF made AICN post this up as a review? For my part, the best description I can give for this movie is: I've never had this buzz since I first saw Highlander. In fact the only thing missing from this film would have been a Queen soundtrack; not that it's derivative, but for the sheer love of sword-play and bloody swashbuckling. And, as a Brit, I have to say it's about f#king time James Purefoy got a shot at the big screen. For too long he's been co-star, cameo, walk-on gold; but fans of Rome will know that the cinema has been begging for this guy. In Solomon Kane he proves he'd kick Daniel Craig's Bond's ass, and decapitate Mortenson's Aragon, all the time making a Devonshire accent sound cool and menacing. There are flaws to be sure: like Wolfman, at ~90min it's a bit short, and you feel a little more was needed, especially on the chief Villain, Mallaki, who only turns up in the last act (although his masked henchman is an all pervasive presence throughout). But despite this it still deserves a series of sequels to explore the Kane lore (N'Longa, the Staff of Solomon, etc). I can't beleive this hasn't been released in the US, but for you guys that haven't seen it yet trust me; if it's bloody sword action, dark atmospheric Hell-on-Earth, Blood for the Blood God cinema you even remotely like, look no further than Solomon Kane

  • March 3, 2010, 5:17 a.m. CST

    What a fucking waste of a review

    by spud mcspud

    Hey, if your life's ambition is to reach the heady heights of being Neill Cumpston, this fucking windowlicker of a reviewer can't even get THAT right.<P> What a waste of time. SOLOMON KANE is the best dark fantasy / swords-and-sorcery flick I've seen in years, maybe decades - so don't let this fuckwit put you off seeing it. SOLOMON KANE is a badass movie through and through - and James Purefoy is fucking awesome in it. What a relentless performance...<P> Don't miss this movie. Great stuff.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:18 a.m. CST

    MC D-LYTE RULES

    by GavinElster

    Ain't that the coolest review? Ever?

  • March 3, 2010, 5:19 a.m. CST

    And Purefoy is the MAN

    by spud mcspud

    This guy showed up in A KNIGHT'S TALE for all of maybe five minutes, and had so much charisma he almost (I said almost, but not quite) stole the movie off of Heath and his gang.<P> "If I might repay the kindness you once showed me... Take a knee."<P> Pure Brit badassedness. Craig's Bond wouldn't know what hit him.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:19 a.m. CST

    FUNNY

    by GavinElster

    ... how very few people seem to be able to enjoy it, though.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:35 a.m. CST

    IH8HARRY

    by TampaBayLightning

    Im not the one with intimate knowledge of pedophile jargon. The gaming is going great, thanks for asking. How is being a spiteful prat working out for you?

  • March 3, 2010, 5:41 a.m. CST

    buenosueno is bang on the mark

    by Flibbertygibbet

    about people picking up bad habits from English language TV and film. Sad indictment really. I was in Koh Phangan a few weeks ago and all the stalls on the beach were selling buckets of vodka and red bull. Except they weren't called buckets. They were called "FUCKING BUCKETS!!". Great place, but not somewhere you'd take your gran.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:43 a.m. CST

    This guy mistaking James Purefoy for Mel Gibson...

    by AsimovLives

    ... reminds me of when i saw STARSHIP TROOPERS, and there was this two idiots in the front seats who mistook Kurtwood Smith for Jack Nicholson and kept on callimg him Jack Nicholson for the remain of the movie. In fac,t they kept on seeing Jack Nicholson everywhere, in every movie trailer that went before the main show. The guys talked like they were high. It was hillarious, made STARSHIP TROOPERS even funnier then it already is.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:43 a.m. CST

    www.residentevilgenius.blogspot.com

    by MC_DLyte

    O am I learning so much from all of you my teachers. My promise of mine is that Im not a stupid shit fuck and maybe because my English is not yet the best that some peoples think I am but I am not. My promise. You are showing me to learn that I need more words than fuck and shit. My wife tells me the same thing yesterday but I was so excited by this movie of theres and when I am excited and use English I say fuck and shit very very much but maybe this is a change of mine to make. I hope my movie review of this movie makes many of you see this because I have not loved so much a movie since Crank 2 - I watch that movie so much with my son to teach him Jason Statham fighting style for when he is famous. We will watch Solomon Fing Kane together as well so we can make sweet Fing movies for all of you to love and get boners.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:44 a.m. CST

    GavinElster

    by AsimovLives

    i think most of us understands the joke. It's just that the joke isn't funny.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:46 a.m. CST

    And now...

    by rost

    shut up.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:53 a.m. CST

    In Soviet Russia...

    by The Dreaded Rear Admiral

    Balls fuckin' shit YOU!

  • March 3, 2010, 6 a.m. CST

    Asimov

    by GavinElster

    Yes, it is. Please, read again, shit ball fuck shit.

  • March 3, 2010, 6:08 a.m. CST

    WarcraftStoleMyLife

    by AsimovLives

    I agree with you, it's about time James Purefoy gets to be better known by audiences and became a star on his own right. He's one hell of an actor, as evidenced by his work in the TV series ROME, playing Marcus Antonius (Mark Anthony). Like many other younger shakespearean actors, like Ray Stevenson and Kevin McKidd, who were also in ROME, he's a very good dramatic actor who's also very adept at playing ass kicking action heroes. James Purefoy is being wasted, if you ask me.

  • March 3, 2010, 6:12 a.m. CST

    Unreadable nonsense

    by Drsambeckett1984

    Gave up halfway through. If someone could possibly translate it into english please.

  • March 3, 2010, 6:19 a.m. CST

    Fantastic review

    by Ashen Shugar

    but still some kind of plant from a geekster with great imagination. Will do nothing for the Us release, but gave us a hell of a good time. Just too good to be true and come from "Minsk".

  • March 3, 2010, 6:21 a.m. CST

    Kevin McKidd..

    by Flibbertygibbet

    Wasn't he approached for the lead in the Highlander reboot? A Scotsman as Connor? It'll never work.

  • March 3, 2010, 6:42 a.m. CST

    Wow - lay off the drugs!

    by ginganinja

    We've established this has nothing to do with Gibson. Purefoy is a good actor, it's a shame he doesn't have anything to work with here. And he's the slowest hero ever - 'What do yoy feed them on?' - Sheesh! I really wanted to like this movie, but it just doesn't flow or work at all. I didn't care for any character and a lot of the action is pointless. Avoid.

  • March 3, 2010, 6:43 a.m. CST

    Frickin' typo's

    by ginganinja

    That's 'you', not 'yoy'

  • March 3, 2010, 7:10 a.m. CST

    Resident Evil Genius???

    by onezeroone

    IF that refers to the games then that is one more prop for the guy.

  • March 3, 2010, 7:18 a.m. CST

    Best Review

    by deelzbub

    I've read in a while. Really did have Borat's voice in my head. That, and the voice of this Russian Jewish dude I used to work with. At least he wasn't fondling some studio's balls like most reviews...

  • March 3, 2010, 7:20 a.m. CST

    I'm sorry...

    by Giant Ape Balls

    ... I really can't understand a single sentence of this review. I'm taking a guess that the reviewer enjoyed it. If this is the type of person it appeals to, I will be giving it a very wide berth.

  • March 3, 2010, 7:26 a.m. CST

    Porn!!

    by rebelpigs

    It's a terrible thing when someone learns english purely from watching Porn!! Loved this review, this boy has great career in front of him, god knows where tho!

  • March 3, 2010, 7:37 a.m. CST

    This review is retarded

    by Stan Gable

    And unfunny. And Harry is retarded for posting it. And any of you morons who are criticizing it for poor grammar thinking it is an attempt at a real movie review are retarded. Anyone who thought this guy reviewed a real movie is retarded. I will never understand how this site has managed to remain the "gold standard" for movie news and blogs that Hollywood feels the need to cater to, when there are so many other sites (i.e. Dark Horizons, Rotten Tomatoes, etc.) where one can get actual movie news without having to weed around this kind of asinine bullshit. This review is right up there with the kind of dialog that passes between 15 year old virgins while playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 online.

  • March 3, 2010, 7:48 a.m. CST

    Thats what happens when one grows up learning english by reading

    by DioxholsterReturns

    what happens when one learns english from reading AICN TB while going through puberty? <p> ...I give you MC D-LYTE...

  • March 3, 2010, 7:51 a.m. CST

    But Stan...

    by Flibbertygibbet

    How can you doubt a guy who wants to teach his kid Statham-Fu? You're a very cynical man.

  • March 3, 2010, 7:52 a.m. CST

    The review above is just incomprehensible

    by DioxholsterReturns

    man wheres the thought process. give him grammar lessons harry, oh wait no not you.

  • March 3, 2010, 7:54 a.m. CST

    imagine if Roger Ebert wrote this shit

    by DioxholsterReturns

    Solomon Kane Review <p> by Roger Ebert <p> "There are about a hundred guards and this is very sweet like when they storm the castle at Lord of the Ring 2 Towers excpet if Eastern Promises had been by himself instead of the gay and the dwarf there as well and he had to get in the castle to fuck Maria Bello in Historys of Violence. Then the castle turns into the Pan Labrynth movie and Mel Gibsons tells his men to shut the fuck up bitches or theyll wake the demon with the eyeballs on his hands but its too late and they wake him up and his whole family and they get FUCKED UP! Solomon is like "sweet, more gold for me" but then there is the Drag Me To Hell monster from Paranormal Activity and he say he is going to drag Mel Gibsons to hell because he sold his soul to the devil, and Mel Gibsons is like "I am sorry for Leathal Weapon 4 and Man Without a Face, but Im Catholic and made Road Warrior movies so I cant go to hell", but the demon is like "your not going to hell for that, is for What Women Want" and everyone is like "oh shit hes right", but then Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window."

  • March 3, 2010, 7:57 a.m. CST

    finally theres someone more retarded than iam

    by DioxholsterReturns

    looking at you Obama...hahahaha...and MC D-LYTE

  • March 3, 2010, 7:58 a.m. CST

    Diox

    by Flibbertygibbet

    I have precisely no problem with that. I have very low standards.

  • March 3, 2010, 8:04 a.m. CST

    This guy makes my english look like fucking shakespear!

    by DioxholsterReturns

    quote for the poster:<p> "the first 5 minutes will make you cum like 20 times in your pants, imagine what will the next 86 minutes will make you do"

  • March 3, 2010, 8:06 a.m. CST

    I JUST SAW CLOVERFIELD!!!!

    by DioxholsterReturns

    ...AND IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <P> you newbs wont know what im talking about it but this is the next " I just saw cloverfield and it was awesome!!!!" review

  • March 3, 2010, 8:14 a.m. CST

    he's no Neil Cumpston(sp?)...

    by Gatsbys West Egg Omlet

    but this is pretty good, regardless.

  • March 3, 2010, 8:15 a.m. CST

    I think MC_DLyte is actually...

    by MorganLeafy

    AsimovLives, because their English is about the same level.

  • March 3, 2010, 8:17 a.m. CST

    Jimmy_009

    by Roc Ingersoll

    Point taken, and let me clarify: reading this review and not thinking it's funny is fine; purely a matter of taste. But the people who *clearly* aren't getting that this is a put on voice, and are confused? Added entertainment for your talkback dollar.

  • March 3, 2010, 8:18 a.m. CST

    I can has cheezeburger

    by belasco_house

  • March 3, 2010, 8:18 a.m. CST

    I'm reminded of "The Crow"

    by Himbo

    "Maybe we oughta just video tape this, play it back in slow motion."

  • March 3, 2010, 8:25 a.m. CST

    Jesus... you could make a movie out of that Review alone

    by Nasty_Nick

    Seriously, make a movie about this guy who wrote the review. Would be fucking balls epic.

  • March 3, 2010, 8:26 a.m. CST

    They already did. It was called "Rainman".

    by The Dark Shite

  • March 3, 2010, 8:41 a.m. CST

    Voiceover

    by Bash_Branigan

    ...In a World where Balls get dragged to hell

  • March 3, 2010, 8:41 a.m. CST

    GavinElster

    by AsimovLives

    Flatery will get you nowhere.

  • March 3, 2010, 8:52 a.m. CST

    he is Rain man but with a crack pipe!!!1

    by DioxholsterReturns

    Yo MC_DLyte, do they show stargate where you live!???

  • March 3, 2010, 8:57 a.m. CST

    So many tears are on my eyes now

    by MC_DLyte

    I have to take a day off work today because I have so much feelings about how Fing sweet to have a movie review of mine on a AICN page is. I have been at work on my day off to write more for you to read because you all feel like my best friends at such a moment even the peoples who say I am a douche such as Asimovrules because you have been reading it and that is my dream.

  • March 3, 2010, 8:59 a.m. CST

    ATTN. HEAD GEEK

    by Gumbo1

    Hire this man!!!

  • March 3, 2010, 9:06 a.m. CST

    'Douche' is that a word you use often

    by MorganLeafy

    there in Minsk, my east-european friend? Anyway, great review!

  • March 3, 2010, 9:06 a.m. CST

    MC_DLyte..

    by The Dark Shite

    Do you want to tell Satan to suck your dick & play with your balls & jump out a window with Mel Gibsons? <p> Or do you want to stay with your brother, Charlie Babbitt?

  • March 3, 2010, 9:07 a.m. CST

    spoken like a total ESL student MC_DLyte!

    by DioxholsterReturns

    tears refreshed our eyes after read your review, it gave me a boner making empire, makes AICN happy like pig in mud.

  • March 3, 2010, 9:09 a.m. CST

    MC_DLyte, one piece of advise for you

    by DioxholsterReturns

    do no learn english, keep it the way it is!

  • March 3, 2010, 9:20 a.m. CST

    The Worst Thing About This 'Review'?

    by Pawprint

    Anyone who has seen the Solomon Kane trailer could have written it.<p> It tells us nothing. Yes, it's mildly amusing for a quick once-over, but other than that - pointless.<p> Seriously, why?

  • March 3, 2010, 9:34 a.m. CST

    thanks

    by Ator

    I'm sure you get weird stuff like this all the time that don't qualify as "reviews" per say, but please continue to share the craziest of it with us. eh oh el.

  • March 3, 2010, 9:46 a.m. CST

    Jesus! “The Kid”

    by TheManWhoCan

    That “kid” that sometimes writes (barely readable) comic reviews makes more sense than that review.<p> Harry should spend a little more time screening these types of reviews and a little less time organising where on his shelf he should best display his Transformers 1 & 2,T4 and Waynes Brothers ‘comedy’ bluerays. And where’s the best place to hang his Chinatown movie poster.

  • March 3, 2010, 9:55 a.m. CST

    This site has gotten really lazy.

    by blackwood

  • March 3, 2010, 9:56 a.m. CST

    Where was the "spoiler" alert?!?

    by JimmyandtheTermites

    Seriously... he ruined the whole movie for me.

  • March 3, 2010, 10:14 a.m. CST

    I call bullshit

    by The Bicycle Sharer

    Fucking shit ball fuck shit? I mean, glad for the review and all, but nobody who just learned to write English well-enough to write this review would say half the shit this guy says. Seriously, he sounds like Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd doing their "Wild and Crazy Guys" skit back in the day. This guy (an American, I'd put big money on) watched this movie on Ninjavideo or some similar site and wrote his "foreign" review. Nice try and all. Thanks for the review, but you are not from fucking Minsk - fact.

  • March 3, 2010, 10:17 a.m. CST

    Oh, yeah, and Borat

    by The Bicycle Sharer

    Totally forgot about him. Yeah, just reread this review with Borat's voice in your head and you'll totally see the dude pretending to be foreigner who is totally loving the American action flicks and the womens with the large breasts!

  • March 3, 2010, 10:19 a.m. CST

    Hey, Harry, I am being from the Czech Republic

    by The Bicycle Sharer

    And am writing many of the reviews for this site which I have loved and enjoyed for long time now. Are you wanting to be publishing my words for me on your most excellent site?

  • March 3, 2010, 10:21 a.m. CST

    wtf

    by Arashikage

    does Mel Gibson have to do with anything?

  • March 3, 2010, 10:24 a.m. CST

    MC D-Lyte?!?!?!

    by The Bicycle Sharer

    Fo' fucking real? Yes, of course, a foreign-born non-English speaking Russian would totally create the word "Lyte." I can't tell you how many homophones that make sense I make in foreign-language that I am not speaking very well - Mandarin, Russian, French, Bantu. I tear that shit up! I am considered quite the wordsmith by many Australian aboriginals, too. MC D-Lyte? Fucking please. (Funny try, though.)

  • March 3, 2010, 10:24 a.m. CST

    Borat

    by Therealumlaut

    Did Borat write this review?

  • March 3, 2010, 10:32 a.m. CST

    And the kicker?!?!?!

    by The Bicycle Sharer

    MC D-Lyte is "to take a day off work today because I have so much feelings about how Fing sweet to have a movie review of mine on a AICN page is." That was posted at 08:57:09 AM Austin, Texas, time. Apparently then, MC D-Lyte works the night shift 'cause it's 6:00 pm on Wednesday in Minsk when he posted that. And then when you read his blog site - he tells you that he "cleans popcorn at a movie theater." Funny, dude. Your whole spin/rip-off of Borat to review movies was amusing.

  • March 3, 2010, 10:37 a.m. CST

    SHIT BALL FUCK SHIT

    by GavinElster

    ... should become the 2010 "No, no, no, no, no!!!" (courtesy of Shia La Beouf).

  • March 3, 2010, 10:41 a.m. CST

    Picture Shia

    by GavinElster

    ... running after Bumblebee screaming "Shit ball fuck shit, that's my car!"

  • March 3, 2010, 10:44 a.m. CST

    All ye abandon hope! Despair! Despair!

    by kafka07

    For a film filled with awesomeness like ye Solomon Kane shall never be embraced by ye Hollywood!

  • March 3, 2010, 11:03 a.m. CST

    mc d lite

    by DUKE TOGO

    is it me or does d lite remind you of toki from metalocalypse?

  • March 3, 2010, 11:10 a.m. CST

    Neil Cumpston ripped off

    by johnnyaction

    Kinda funny but very close to a neil cumpston review no? how funny was that double feature review for the passion and matrix 2 come on!~

  • March 3, 2010, 11:54 a.m. CST

    "your not going to hell for that, is for What Women Want"

    by BosphorusBill

    Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Thank you MC D-Lyte.

  • March 3, 2010, 12:37 p.m. CST

    I registered just to say

    by quakeguts

    best review ever posted! "I am sorry for Leathal Weapon 4 and Man Without a Face, but Im Catholic and made Road Warrior movies so I cant go to hell"

  • March 3, 2010, 1:28 p.m. CST

    The movie is indeed mediocre

    by FrodoFraggins

    I think Purefoy was great in Rome and the story here just wasn't up to his abilities.

  • March 3, 2010, 2:09 p.m. CST

    Uh what was that?

    by Wcwlkr

    Really what the heck was that? Was that posted purely for it's comedic value? I do appreciate my stomach still hurts from all the laughing.

  • March 3, 2010, 2:25 p.m. CST

    I can confirm Mel Gibsons involvement in this film.

    by SirGaryColeman

    I can.

  • March 3, 2010, 2:27 p.m. CST

    They should make the movie described in this review.

    by SirGaryColeman

    I'd buy that for a dollar!

  • March 3, 2010, 2:42 p.m. CST

    Unreadable

    by Beezbo

  • March 3, 2010, 3:01 p.m. CST

    Not that the world needs another Borat...

    by buenosueno

    (it's just too soon dude), but for anyone who doesn't think this guy is really from Belarus, just look at his picture on his blog profile and then run... run far far away.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:17 p.m. CST

    I'm not buying this guy is bielo-russian

    by AsimovLives

    For starter,s he hasbn0t made one single coment about all those who called him russian. And for those who don't know, bielo-russians, aka, the people from Belarus, don't like russians much. ans yet this so-called guy from belarus hasn't,. once, felt the need to correct anybody in here that he's not russian but from Belarus. It's details like that that betray the bullshit about this poster. From Belarus my ass. Texas more like it.

  • March 3, 2010, 3:19 p.m. CST

    I think Mel Gibson is going to hell for THE PASSION OF CHRIST

    by AsimovLives

    That's the movie that's going to sent Gibson to hell.

  • March 3, 2010, 4:05 p.m. CST

    I heart the detectives

    by Roc Ingersoll

    Case in point, just go look at at what The Bicycle Sharer wrote! That guy actually thinks he's uncovered some kind of trick and is calling the writer on it! Awesome! Way to see through the cunning charade!

  • March 3, 2010, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Han Soloman Kane

    by RONROMANT

    Both of my balls exploded after I read that review. Good thing I have two more pair.

  • March 3, 2010, 4:45 p.m. CST

    WTF?

    by SunTzu77

    What kind of fucking review was that????

  • March 3, 2010, 5:12 p.m. CST

    WOW

    by THE__Hypnotoad

    I finally took the plunge after literally years of visiting this site and registered just to post that this "review" is the most unintelligible pile of incoherent babbling drek I've come across in a while (and that's saying something considering how much time I spend online). Why anyone would think that people would find this informative, or even entertaining is beyond me. If it's supposed to be an actual review, it's the worst I've read. If it's intended to be comedy it has failed utterly. Boo.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:20 p.m. CST

    THE_Hypnotoad

    by Fred_Eddy

    I finally took the plunge after literally years of visiting this site and registered just to post that this "review" is the most unbelievable pile of amazing hilarious goodness I've come across in a while (and that's saying something considering how much time I spend online). Why anyone would think that people would find this informative, or even entertaining is blatantly obvious to me and more than half the talkbackers I've read. If it's supposed to be an actual review, it's not the best I've read. But if it's intended to be comedy it has succeeded entirely. Yay.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:35 p.m. CST

    Fred_Eddy

    by Roc Ingersoll

    Flawless win.

  • March 3, 2010, 5:56 p.m. CST

    Best review ever

    by andrew coleman

    I laughed the entire way through. He pumped me up to see this movie. I mean anyone who can put "It dragged my balls through hell" in a review is pretty much my hero.

  • March 3, 2010, 7:06 p.m. CST

    I saw this tonight.

    by J.B.M.A.

    And it's not very good.<p>Some lovely production design and art direction - an utterly miserable winter in some bizarre fantasy Medieval/Elizabethan England - but after the hundreth drifting snow/hammering rain scene, even this begins to pall.<p>The script is incredibly generic: actually better in the films early stages before everything becomes one long poorly staged fight sequence that you've already seen done better in countless films, and the film has absolutely NO sense of pacing WHATSOEVER. The bad guys are either slightly more muddy and expensive Xena extras (always Cocknies for some reason) or the usual over-the-top moustache twiddler. The few actual monsters that appear are disappointing - either underused or poorly realised and coming off like Del Toro on a pocket change budget.<p>All this is a real shame as there's cleary a lot of potential in the ideas on show, particularily when the script feels able to touch on darker, scarier themes, but every time it does you can almost SEE the producers dialling back the scares in favour of average-movie-audience dumbness.<p>Purefoy however is fabulous, and trying his best with very uneven material.<p>The film does get points though for being the first action horror film where the lead actor speaks with a West Country accent!

  • March 3, 2010, 7:08 p.m. CST

    "Drags my balls to hell"

    by umbral_shadow_

    Sounds like my ex wife's divorce lawyer.

  • March 3, 2010, 7:17 p.m. CST

    Mind you I would like them to get a sequel

    by J.B.M.A.

    I just can't square how a director who clearly loves this character could have written and staged the bad scenes in this film when he produces so much good in many of the others...

  • March 3, 2010, 11:34 p.m. CST

    Fred_Eddy

    by THE__Hypnotoad

    Guess I shouldn't be surprised that some people here found that funny. I was laboring under the clearly incorrect assumption that people come here for movie news/reviews and have a more refined sense of humor than say, a 4th grader - "ooh, he said drag my balls, haha, LOL". Why don't you kids go play on 4chan and let the grownups talk?

  • March 4, 2010, 2:13 a.m. CST

    Pretentious asses...

    by Hairy Nutsack

    How can anyone come to AICN and still be so goddammed full of themselves that they can't laugh at this?<p> "I came here for reviews, not this juvenile tripe." - go fuck yourself.

  • March 4, 2010, 2:44 a.m. CST

    I want this to succeed because....

    by DirkD13"

    James Purefoy was born and bred in Taunton, Somerset (like Jenny Agutter), which means he is awesome. FACT! For fuck's sake let us wurzels have a tiny bit of filmic fame, we deserve it! Edgar Wright was bred a mere 20 miles away in Wells!

  • March 4, 2010, 4:16 a.m. CST

    DirkD...

    by Flibbertygibbet

    A few years back I was pitching an ad that was to feature the Wurzels. Sadly the project fell through in the end. I still cry at night at that missed opportunity.

  • March 4, 2010, 6:13 a.m. CST

    why does he mention Mel Gibson?????????

    by DioxholsterReturns

    when hes not even in it??????? that part i dont get at all.

  • March 4, 2010, 7:21 a.m. CST

    J.B.M.A.

    by Soundblaster

    Thank you for the coherent review.

  • March 4, 2010, 9:42 a.m. CST

    Have you guys heard of "Robert Hamburger"?

    by --- Emperor ---

    Go to www.realultimatepower.net and have a good laugh. This review is similar in style to that, except Robert actually can spell (more or less), and is a lot funnier. This guy wishes he had the wit/satire of Robert. Check him out, he really is quite funny!

  • March 4, 2010, 12:09 p.m. CST

    Okay, after I stopped laughing...

    by Blue_Demon

    I looked up the trailer. Honestly, it looks kind of cheesy.<p>A couple of days back I bought "The Horror Stories of Robert E Howard." There's a Solomon Kane story in the book which is pretty damn scary! It's called "The Hills of The Dead." In it, Kane meets a tribe of African Native Vampires.<p>Howard's powers of description are incredible. The scene when Kane first sees two of the vampires would make you jump if they filmed it correctly. Sadly, I think his work will have to stay on the written page and moviegoers will miss out on one of the best imaginations in literature.

  • March 4, 2010, 6:30 p.m. CST

    Uh, not really funny.

    by Bat_out_uv_Hell

    Ok, this review was funny for about 16 seconds. Maybe I'm just getting old. If you guys want to give Kane some notice then post some actual reviews from the UK. And yes, the short stories pull my fucking balls down to the firey pits of hells blackend p_ssy! They're fucking wet and so damn good! ...!

  • March 4, 2010, 11:16 p.m. CST

    FUCK SHIT BALLS!

    by captzeep

    What this review lacks in English grammar it makes up for in enthusiasm. Goddamn hell I want to see Solomon Kane!

  • April 2, 2010, 12:42 p.m. CST

    Even the director liked this review, I think.

    by Garfeimao

    While we wait for a US distribution deal, going to film festivals to see this film is all that's open to us at the moment. So woohoo to Newport Beach Film Festival for finding and bringing this film in. It will be screening not once, but twice at the end of April. http://www.newportbeachfilmfes t.com/

  • April 3, 2010, 6:39 p.m. CST

    Orcus can't wait!

    by orcus

  • May 4, 2010, 11:04 p.m. CST

    Trash movie

    by PornKing

    No idea what you guys are smoking. This movie is straight to dvd material. Van Helsing looks like a masterpiece in comparison.

  • May 5, 2010, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Good thing the internet wasn't around for Conan

    by orcus

    Jeez, give it a chance, it hasn't even come out yet

  • Nov. 15, 2010, 5:22 a.m. CST

    Good movie, stupid review

    by CuervoJones

  • Nov. 15, 2010, 8:21 a.m. CST

    Really? Now Orcus is interested in seeing it

    by orcus

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:47 a.m. CST

    This review is funny

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:47 a.m. CST

    When is this movie getting a U.S. Release?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:48 a.m. CST

    People will forget

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:48 a.m. CST

    This guy that played Soloman Kane was in Camelot

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:50 a.m. CST

    Guy named Philip Winchester

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:50 a.m. CST

    He was also in Fringe

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:51 a.m. CST

    And Solomon Kane apparently

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:51 a.m. CST

    He has the perfect hook nose for the part

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:52 a.m. CST

    But seriously, this review was march of 2010

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:52 a.m. CST

    Not even a Netflix instant release?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:53 a.m. CST

    There's a UK dvd

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:53 a.m. CST

    But what about America?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:54 a.m. CST

    and what about blu-ray

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:54 a.m. CST

    This is one of the rare times when pirating is almost the only option

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:55 a.m. CST

    The movie was from 2009 for fucksake

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:55 a.m. CST

    The new Conan wasn't awful

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:56 a.m. CST

    not great

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:56 a.m. CST

    Not as good as Soloman Kane

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:56 a.m. CST

    Which was better than Season of The Witch

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:56 a.m. CST

    But even fucking Uwe Bolls Blubberella is on Netflix instant now

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:57 a.m. CST

    So they have foreign shit on there that doesn't have a DVD/Blu-Ray yet

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:57 a.m. CST

    Fucking Blubberella

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:57 a.m. CST

    But no Solomon Kane

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:57 a.m. CST

    What kind of shit is that?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11 a.m. CST

    All my original posts are gone from this review

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11 a.m. CST

    I guess because I got banned at some point

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11 a.m. CST

    Erased

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:01 a.m. CST

    I wonder how that works, I have older stuff that's still there

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:01 a.m. CST

    I think

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Not real sure though

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:01 a.m. CST

    The Beaver was OK

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Solomon Kane was better than The Beaver

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Just realized I've been spelling Solomon wrong

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:02 a.m. CST

    oh well

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Ironclad was OK

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Solomon Kane was better than Ironclad

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Black Death was aight

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:03 a.m. CST

    Solomon Kane was better than Black Death

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:04 a.m. CST

    I guess I'll put it the saved section of my Netflix que

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:05 a.m. CST

    I mean seriously, fucking Blubberella

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:08 a.m. CST

    spelled queue wrong too apparently

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:08 a.m. CST

    Queue Wrong Too, Thanks for Everything, Wesley Snipes

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:09 a.m. CST

    Wesley Snipes

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:09 a.m. CST

    That's another one wasting away in my saved queue

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:10 a.m. CST

    Gallowwalker with Wesley Snipes

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:11 a.m. CST

    The zombie western

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:11 a.m. CST

    also from 2009

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:11 a.m. CST

    and still unreleased

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:12 a.m. CST

    and Gallowwalker may be shit

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:12 a.m. CST

    But I'd like to see for myself

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:12 a.m. CST

    Maybe it's like Bubba Ho-tep

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:13 a.m. CST

    You can't get Evil Dead for so you settle for Bubba Ho-tep

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:13 a.m. CST

    You can't get Blade 4 so you settle for Gallowwalker

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:14 a.m. CST

    Wow I spelled four for

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:14 a.m. CST

    piss poor

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:15 a.m. CST

    Well gotta be getting close

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:15 a.m. CST

    can't stop now

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:16 a.m. CST

    I'm going to go ahead and blame the spelling errors on 1Db Overdrive

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:16 a.m. CST

    I don't misspell shit on Red Bull

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:16 a.m. CST

    Or Dunkin Dark

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:19 a.m. CST

    A 4th Blade would be nice

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:20 a.m. CST

    Some mothafuckas always trying to ice skate uphill

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:21 a.m. CST

    Blade anime, like all Marvel anime on G4, is not very good

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:21 a.m. CST

    They are really dropping the ball on voice casting

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:22 a.m. CST

    But it's not as bad as Wolverine

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Now Robert Rodriguez is getting a cable channel

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Through a partnership with comcast

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:28 a.m. CST

    Which is cool

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:28 a.m. CST

    except for the comcast part

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:28 a.m. CST

    fuck cable

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:29 a.m. CST

    I use fiber

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:29 a.m. CST

    So hopefully it's not like a cable exclusive

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Looking forward to Machete Kills

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:35 a.m. CST

    I like how Rodriguez can crank 'em out

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:35 a.m. CST

    Can't wait to see what villains he has planned for the next one

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:36 a.m. CST

    He should give Nic Cage a call

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:38 a.m. CST

    I was on a Nic Cage kick at that point

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:38 a.m. CST

    Trespass sucks

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:39 a.m. CST

    I think she would have rather have been reading 11/22/63

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:39 a.m. CST

    I thought Nicole Kidman was supposed to be a good actress?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:39 a.m. CST

    She kept dropping her american accent the whole time

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:40 a.m. CST

    Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance was the jizz though

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:40 a.m. CST

    Really hope the blu-ray is uncut though

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:41 a.m. CST

    I knew the risk involved with Trespass being a Joel Shumacher film

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:42 a.m. CST

    But there is still some leftover good will from Lost Boys

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:43 a.m. CST

    I read the Ghost Rider comic by Garth Ennis last weekend too

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:43 a.m. CST

    Road To Damnation

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:43 a.m. CST

    It was tight

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:46 a.m. CST

    James Purefoy looks like Hugh Jackman and Tom Hardy had a baby

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:46 a.m. CST

    It pisses me off that The Godfather blu is $25 today

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:49 a.m. CST

    Watched Lilyhammer on netflix

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:49 a.m. CST

    it wasn't too bad

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:50 a.m. CST

    If they are going to continue the mafia threat in the second season

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:50 a.m. CST

    they need to cast some better italians

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:50 a.m. CST

    dripping with olive oil

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:50 a.m. CST

    like Godfather

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:51 a.m. CST

    and Goodfellas

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:51 a.m. CST

    and Sopranos

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:51 a.m. CST

    I don't know why this resurfaced

    by alexander

    but I'm happy it did

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:52 a.m. CST

    now it can be a party

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:54 a.m. CST

    This was easily Harry's best headline

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:54 a.m. CST

    and it only took 1 exclamation point

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, noon CST

    James Purefoy is in John Carter

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, noon CST

    John Carter looks pretty good

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:02 p.m. CST

    The 3D in the trailer for John Carter before Ghost Rider looked good

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:02 p.m. CST

    The 3D trailer for Spiderman looked awesome

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:02 p.m. CST

    The 3D in Ghost Rider was not so good

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:02 p.m. CST

    Drive Angry 3D was fucking awesome though

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:03 p.m. CST

    If there should be a Ghost Rider 3

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:04 p.m. CST

    It should be directed by Patrick Lussier, be shot in 3D and rated R

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:04 p.m. CST

    That would be fucking epic

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:05 p.m. CST

    And James Purefoy can play the villain

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:06 p.m. CST

    New Age of Apocalypse comics are poppin off

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:06 p.m. CST

    Wolverine is the villain

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:06 p.m. CST

    should be good

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:06 p.m. CST

    I wonder if X-man will settle his hash

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:06 p.m. CST

    or Sabretooth

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:07 p.m. CST

    Just not sure how Sabretooth is back after running around with EXiles

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:07 p.m. CST

    EXiles is pretty underrated

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:08 p.m. CST

    But fuck Mimic

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:11 p.m. CST

    I wonder what is next for ILM in terms of an animated movie

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:14 p.m. CST

    I did my due diligence on Solomon Kane news

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:14 p.m. CST

    and there's none

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:15 p.m. CST

    but it didn't

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Is the new Legion of Doom cartoon out now?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:16 p.m. CST

    Maybe I'll pick that up today

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:17 p.m. CST

    Nope, not until the 28th

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:44 p.m. CST

    quite simply the BEST. FILM REVIEW. EVER.

    by JIMBOCOP

    Well, on AICN anyway!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:52 p.m. CST

    I haven't heard any Whitney Houston jokes yet

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:52 p.m. CST

    Which is surprising

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:53 p.m. CST

    I wonder if Daken will be in Age Of Apocalypse

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:57 p.m. CST

    So church will be packed next Sunday because boners!

    by Jaster Mareel

    I laughed out loud this whole article but this one fucking finished me off!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 12:58 p.m. CST

    NEIL CUMPSTON RETURNS!

    by Jaster Mareel

    FUCK YES!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 1:23 p.m. CST

    Although am confused about what this movie is

    by Jaster Mareel

    A quick check of IMDB says there was a Solom Kane movie made in 2009 starring James Purefoy....that had no connection whatsoever to Mel Gibson. so I don't know if this whole article is a joke, if there actually is a new Gibson movie that was somehow made and released overseas that none of us had heard about (and isn't listed on IMDB), or what.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 1:27 p.m. CST

    Wait...this is just copied and pasted from another website!

    by Jaster Mareel

    http://www.residentevilgenius.com/2010/03/solomon-kane-drags-my-balls-to-hell.html

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 1:52 p.m. CST

    Here's some more gems from that guy's site:

    by Jaster Mareel

    So I have been learning so much about American capitalism. But to be so honest I do not fucking understand it. From all that I can see it is like this big fucking game of Monopoly but instead of fake money it is real money and instead of game it is real life. "So what Nikolai, shall we be a Socialists like everyone in Europe who is giving so much moeny to Greece so they can have all the ass sex with all of the men?" No, socialism is fucking stupid too and it does not work because why am I to give my money I make sweeping popcorn and condoms at the cinema to help pay for Sorens sweet flat in East Minsk that he get government assistance from because they think he is so poor when really he is so rich from selling all the bootleg dvds? (his top movies) 1. UNfuckingBREAKABLE Snehzana and I just watch this movie again a couple of a month ago and it is still so fucking sweet you can hardly believe it because then M Dark Night Shamalynanana go on to direct so many pieces of shit that come out of aborted babys. Usually people get better when they direct more movies and practice so hard but not him because he is such a genius like Merlin who travel backwards in time and get worse instead. 9. GHOST "Can We Call You Weird Al" WORLD- This is a story of two lesbians who go to a cafe and ask a waiter if they can call him Weird Al and that is so funny. Then one lesbian work at a Starbucks and the other work at a cinema (nice) and then they get in a fight and one of them fuck Steve Buscemi and then he get all weird and is like "I need to go to Fargo to get shot in the fucking face" and he leave and the lesbian he fuck waits for a bus. The End. 1. IN THE Fucking BEDROOM In the Fucking Bedroom is about the guy from T3 and a Oscar winner from My Cousin Vinnys who have so much sex "In the Fucking Bedroom" but were they live when you say "In the fucking bedroom" it means it is you and her and also her ex husband and some lobsters and some super fucked up shit happens that I do not want to tell you because do you no sometimes you are at the gym and you ride the bike and the sweatpants rub against you and give you such a huge boner and you are like "Oh fuck I cant stop because people will see my huge boner but if I keep going then it feels so good that my boner will never go away" You are fucked. Watching this movie is basicly getting stuck with a huge boner you do not want to have but cannot make o away because you have to keep riding the fucking exercize bike and then,,, EXPLOSION!!! id you no I am Belarusian but also half Mexican? It is true. And today is such a special day for all of a Mexicans. It is a Cinco of the Mayo when everyone in a world gets so drunk and eats so much mayo to celebrate how all the Mexicans kick the shit out of Spain in a battle so they can make there own country that is so awesome and has so many sweet kidnappings and murders and povertys that everyone wants to leave and be in a USA. VIVA MEXICO!!! Did you also no there is so much crazy shit going on in a USA right now and they are finding all the Mexicans and killing them? Its true. Why are they killing all the Mexicans you ask? Because when Obama gets elected he free all the black slaves and give them all of the money. So the Mexicans see such a opportunity and come over and say "We want so much to be your slaves now! And you dont ever have to free us or give us all the money." And all the white people are like "Fuck you because that means we have to learn so much Spanish and that is so hard - we will rather play so many video games instead!" So now they kill them. Smart. 9. PUNCH My DRUNK Balls LOVE Punch My Drunk Balls Love is such a funniest movie. Everyone no how much I love to laugh at a retards because of how funny they are and God give them to us for so much amusement. And everyone no the most funny of all these retards was Corky from Life Is Going On but then he die and Hollywood need a new retard to make us laugh so much so they pick Adam Sandlers. And that was such a good choice! So this movie is about a retard who fall in love and act so stupid! LOL!!! I do not no about you but I am to go to bed now and dream about all the money I will make and all the abortions I will have when I move to America, Fuck Yeah!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 1:57 p.m. CST

    Stupid review of an ok film

    by Col. Tigh-Fighter

    But I hated Harrys Blade review too. This is when I realised he should never talk about sex because he is frankly creepy.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 2:14 p.m. CST

    This ''review'' and the subsequent comments...

    by DoctorWho?

    ...was a sobering reminder of why I come to this site less and less.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 2:35 p.m. CST

    Best experience ever on AICN

    by Chris

    From the guys original post to the comments left by others this is one of the best reads I've ever had on AICN. Funny shit, fellas. This guy is stupidly genius. By the way, it should say something to Harry and everyone else that the guy who cannot even speak English is funnier and more entertaining than anyone else that contributes to AICN. Sure he misspelled a lot of stuff, but apparently English isn't his first language. Forgivable, especially when you consider the people that speak English as their first language AND contribute regular reviews and opinions to this site tend to spell badly and do it without humor.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Why so serious?

    by Chris

    What's up with everyone raging on this guy? Are you mad that when you write a coherent, well thought out article or opinion to Harry he doesn't post it yet he'll post the ravings of a madman instead? All these people saying shit like, "Oh, now I know why I don't come to this site anymore," need to pull the stick out of their ass. This shit is funny here. If you don't see that than you need to check your pulse and make sure you're not dead. Some of you just seem so dull and boring when you say stuff like, "Worst review ever!" What makes this funny is this guy is so wrong about everything that it's hilarious. He gets Mel Gibson confused with another actor, he uses curse words in an improper context, and his analogies are absurd. This guy is clearly a foreign idiot and the fact that some of you don't get it makes me wonder if you're dumber than he is.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 2:49 p.m. CST

    Was Kurtwood Smith even IN Starship Troopers?

    by JIMBOCOP

    You mean Michael Ironside p'raps?

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 3 p.m. CST

    I finally remember one of my erased comments about this review

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Memory lane

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 3:14 p.m. CST

    and when I read asimovlives comments I use the same voice

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 3:14 p.m. CST

    because boners

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 3:14 p.m. CST

    because boners

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 3:25 p.m. CST

    harry & editing staff

    by mcdowell_32000

    why not feature an article about the struggle to bring "solomon kane" to a u.s. market? an interview with the creators or other insiders about the distribution (THE VERY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE ACCESS TO!) would have been a much more informative & entertaining read than what was presented. in fact, i'm not quite sure what that was. if it was a look into the crackpot emails that you probably receive on a second-by-second basis, than victory is yours. if not, it showcases how out of touch the editorial staff is with what your readers want (informative *insider* information & reviews).

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 3:47 p.m. CST

    just saw a banner ad for something called Hiscox

    by JackSlater4

  • I can't believe it still hasn't been released in the states! I saw it years ago. It is definitely a B-movie, but one made with the best intentions. They could have used a bigger budget, but as I said before Purefoy fucking owns the film! After this Rome and Ironclad I don't know why he isn't a bigger star. Also it features one of the last performances by Pete Postlethwaite. Who is also excellent, as he always was.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:10 p.m. CST

    Jackslater4 is on fucking fire!!!

    by baronweazle

    Come on motherfucker make us proud!!! You can make a thousand posts within 24 hours, I know you can!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:16 p.m. CST

    I don't know, I gotta go to Toys R Us soon

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:17 p.m. CST

    Trying to find some Ninjago for my nephew

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:19 p.m. CST

    Toys R us will thwart all plans

    by baronweazle

    Once it pulls you in, it never lets you go.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:19 p.m. CST

    I'd like to have a lego Batman

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:20 p.m. CST

    Fight a lego Darth Vader

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:20 p.m. CST

    on Ninjago discs

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:20 p.m. CST

    or whatever they're called

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    Got my mail order white concept Boba Fett the other day

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    It's pretty sweet

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    The notch where the package would hang isn't punched out

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:21 p.m. CST

    so that's cool

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:24 p.m. CST

    Is this another Patton Oswalt character?

    by rev_skarekroe

    He needs to find another website to try his material on.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:26 p.m. CST

    all the talent at McFarlane toys is being wasted on sports figures

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:26 p.m. CST

    I don't know dude

    by baronweazle

    It may be a little hit and miss. But I think he has great potential!!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:26 p.m. CST

    NECA has been cleaning their clock for years

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:28 p.m. CST

    Maybe I'll just smoke one more cigarette before I leave

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:28 p.m. CST

    Then I'll go do my part to help with this nations economic recovery

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:28 p.m. CST

    My impulse buying shit

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:29 p.m. CST

    BY impulse buying I mean

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:29 p.m. CST

    Damn 1Db

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:30 p.m. CST

    Solomon Kane is one of the best fucking movies ever made.

    by Hat Man

    I don't care what's wrong with it! It's simply awesome, if only because Mel Gibson wasn't involved with it. Not saying the Gibson doesn't make awesome (Apocolypto) or fun movies (Passion of the Christ), he's just such a redneck, I'd rather he wasn't involved with anything I really like. Be that as it may, if you don't like Solomon Kane, you probably are either a whiney hater bitch or else a Satanist sorcerer looking for world domination. If you are the former, you need to get someone (preferably someone who hates you) to board up your own house or reantal property from the outside so that you starve to death. If you are the latter, you need to go and abduct Rachel Evan Wood so that Solomon Kane will come and slice you up into a blood shower, and escort Ms Wood back to the loving arms of the Queen of the Borg.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:32 p.m. CST

    hat man's higher than bird pussy

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:34 p.m. CST

    I guess I could road post

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:34 p.m. CST

    I'll turn this talkback into my personal 4square

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:34 p.m. CST

    or whatever the shit

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:47 p.m. CST

    gotta stick back roads because my tags are expired

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:49 p.m. CST

    and damn it I forgot my reward card

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:50 p.m. CST

    Dare me to park in the expectant mothers space?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:51 p.m. CST

    no, I won't

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:51 p.m. CST

    Let's see what they got in this bitch

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 4:55 p.m. CST

    OMG JUSTIN BEIBER DOLLS FEATURING JUSTINS NEW HAIR!!

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 5:07 p.m. CST

    they have ninjago in stock but they're $5 less at walmart

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 5:08 p.m. CST

    so now I gotta go there

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 5:12 p.m. CST

    tits

    by crazy4dragons13

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 5:16 p.m. CST

    why would I get banned for renewing interest in solomon kane

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 5:50 p.m. CST

    Quality necro, jack.

    by blackwood

    It's sad there still isn't an official North American release, all these years later.

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 6:17 p.m. CST

    Bittorrented.

    by ScriptCunt

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 6:18 p.m. CST

    The sad thing is, you shouldn't have to bittorent this

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 6:18 p.m. CST

    it's been out for 3 fucking years!

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 6:24 p.m. CST

    The U.K. blu-ray for this came out in June of 2010

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 6:24 p.m. CST

    At least I get Battle Royale next month

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 6:25 p.m. CST

    But seriously netflix, fucking Blubberella?

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 7:57 p.m. CST

    and where's this weeks blu-ray column

    by JackSlater4

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 8:08 p.m. CST

    Not funny enough

    by jackofhearts29

    Tried too hard. C for effort. It's hard to fake the fucked-up English, son. Try again!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 9:30 p.m. CST

    Harry please stop posting the ramblings of these 14 year olds.

    by Tim Tringle

    I hate that he tries so hard to make it seem like he has no clue about the english language. But it's painfully obvious that this was crafted so that you would jump all over it and post it on the site. I absolutely hate it when you dumb this site down even more than the talkbacks already do. Please stop!!

  • Sweet!!!

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 10:49 p.m. CST

    How the hell could anyone hate this review??

    by elvenblade

    I was laughing my ass off the whole way through. AICN needs more of these. 5/5

  • Feb. 21, 2012, 11:30 p.m. CST

    Jesus, you guys are embarrassing me

    by m00kiedood

    Did you really think this was written by someone who learned English as a second language? Did you really think this was an offence to the notion of a "legitimate AICN review" ? Did you really think this guy fooled Harry into thinking that he was some loveable foul mouthed east european fan boy? Did you really not find this review to be all kinds of awesome? I don't know what bothers me more -- that you are all outraged, or that I have to explain the fucking joke. Seriously, untwist your panties and fuck off to another site. Jesus.

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 2:13 a.m. CST

    Talkbackers on a spectrum....

    by Ciderman

    Often seem to live on a spectrum, with vocal haters on one end, and the devout on the other. Odd how people don't read this "review" in the humour it was intended. It's funny, it's by someone who was very taken with Solomon Kane and isn't afraid to use every word he knows, and certain words quite a bit and in an odd context. In fact MC D-Ltye is probably gotten to do what many posters have failed to do, and that is get real recognition from AICN of their musings on a film. Little bit of the green-eyed monster methinks! But Solomon Kane is a lot of fun, well worth seeing and was sadly overlooked here in Ireland as well as elsewhere, despite, indeed, kicking ass. It's not Citizen Kane people, It's Solomon Kane! Haters, it seems, gotta hate. If they hate Harry and Capone, why don't they just shut the frak up and go elsewhere? Or maybe it's because they reckon that the likes of the folk who write and run this site read every talkback and therefore they are in with a chance of there bilious ramblings being read by one of them?? Haters, as I said, gotta hate.

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 2:37 a.m. CST

    hahaha, only now do I realise this article is actually years old!

    by baronweazle

    But it hasn't lost any of it's relevance. Good job Jackslater4!

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 3:13 a.m. CST

    Solomon Kane

    by Darth Scourge

    Did this movie ever get a USA release? Saw it two years ago, and own the Blu ray, and it's definitely one of the better REH adaptations. Purefoy is awesome in the role of Kane. The makers talked of at least 2 sequels... but don't know how lilkely that will be now.

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 6:47 a.m. CST

    I hate to say it, but this maniac is right.

    by Steve

    Solomon Kane is better than most sci-fi/action coming out these days.

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 7:33 a.m. CST

    watched it again last night

    by alexander

    it really is the best fantasy-action-period piece in a long time

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 9:15 a.m. CST

    Unreadable

    by Joe Plumber

    Meh

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 9:54 a.m. CST

    When is Solomon Grundy Movie Coming?

    by Afzal

    Born on a Monday..... Christened on a...

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 10:08 a.m. CST

    this is also on usenet for you mfers who don't like BT

    by Rupee88

    i'm downloading HD copy right now

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 10:15 a.m. CST

    I agree that Harry wrote this review himself when he was high

    by Joe Plumber

    probably with the help of Massaworm and Nordling and a bottle of whiskey and lots of grass.

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 10:18 a.m. CST

    The film is dog shit....

    by ChiefRoberts

    ....but this review is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! Favourite line 'I have been reading your fucking sweet web site for years and years but my English was never very good to write to you. But now I have learned to write it and want to give this to you...' Good effort my friend! Good effort indeed! I also love the way he calls Harry 'Mr.Knowles'!

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 12:27 p.m. CST

    Mel is a redneck?

    by NoGoddamnShame

    Ha.

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 1:50 p.m. CST

    Yeah, sorry, but it's crap.

    by Buck_Futt

    I got through about 45 minutes of this crap-fest before turning it off and deleting the file from my server last year. It's direct-to-video-quality garbage, with no discernible relation to the source materiel beyond the title. Solomon Kane, the devout, aesthetic Puritan avenger is changed into a guilt-ridden pirate-cum-aristocrat. Robert E. Howard wouldn't even bother wiping his ass with the script, it's so hackneyed and predictable. Trust me, if you haven't seen it, you haven't missed anything.

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 1:52 p.m. CST

    I loved it

    by pumaman

    ..and am looking forward to the sequel. For real!

  • Feb. 22, 2012, 7:24 p.m. CST

    because boners

    by JackSlater4