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Lest we forget... SOLOMON KANE kicks ass!
Hey folks, Harry here with another reader that has discovered the absolute joy of SOLOMON KANE, which has yet to grace a theatrical release in the United States, despite being utterly badass. Here's a look from a reader called MC D-LYTE:
Hello Mister Knowles,
I have been reading your fucking sweet web site for years and years but my English was never very good to write to you. But now I have learned to write it and want to give this to you because I live in Minsk, Belarus and I saw Solomon fucking Kane and when I check to see that it made mroe money than Avatar movie I see that is not even in the USA. What the fucking shit ball fuck shit? So I think maybe God is having me write this to give to you so that you can make it explode in America because it is the very best movie I have ever seen in a long time and other people should see it as well.
Thank you and if you use it please call me MC D-Lyte
SOLOMON FUCKING KANE DRAGS MY BALLS TO HELL!!!!!!
Solomon Fucking Kane is Mel Gibsons new movie that is basicly Braveheart with demons. I dont think I have to write another thing else or that you even have to see it now because that basicly means the 2010 Best Pictures contest is over. OVER!!!
Mel Gibsons must feels very bad about making English peoples look so bad in ass fuck awesome Braveheart because in this movie William Wallace is now English and not Scotch and his name is Solomon Fucking Kane. This movie is very much a autobiography for Mel Gibsons because in the beginning his ship gets stopped for drunk driving and he gets out is like "All the Jews started all the wars!!!" and then says "I run Malibu England!!!" and takes out two swords because all the times Mel Gibsons watches Braveheart he says "fuck my cock why dont I have two swords instead of one like a loose pussy of my x wife?" and then Solomon storms the castle and you can tell the guards have been seeing Braveheart because they stop to shit there pants when they see him and then he sticks his swords in there throats and makes them dance like puppets. There are about a hundred guards and this is very sweet like when they storm the castle at Lord of the Ring 2 Towers excpet if Eastern Promises had been by himself instead of the gay and the dwarf there as well and he had to get in the castle to fuck Maria Bello in Historys of Violence.
Then the castle turns into the Pan Labrynth movie and Mel Gibsons tells his men to shut the fuck up bitches or theyll wake the demon with the eyeballs on his hands but its too late and they wake him up and his whole family and they get FUCKED UP! Solomon is like "sweet, more gold for me" but then there is the Drag Me To Hell monster from Paranormal Activity and he say he is going to drag Mel Gibsons to hell because he sold his soul to the devil, and Mel Gibsons is like "I am sorry for Leathal Weapon 4 and Man Without a Face, but Im Catholic and made Road Warrior movies so I cant go to hell", but the demon is like "your not going to hell for that, is for What Women Want" and everyone is like "oh shit hes right", but then Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window.
That is the first 5 minutes and already you have cum like 20 times in your pants and need to wash and Mel Gibsons knows this so he puts in the credits for you to go to the toilet next and then he has Solomon acting like a scared bitch about going to hell and he lives with a priests, but the priests is like "listen Solomon you have to leave because everyone is back from the bathroom to clean up the cum in there pants and they are paying good moneys to see you slice people open with your swords". But Solomon says "if I slice people open with my swords and take a blood shower in there blood then I will go to hell" and the priests says that he talks to God and God says that blood showers make God very happy and he will go to heaven instead.
So Solomon is like sweet because slicing people open with my swords and taking blood showers is the thing I am best at and makes me so happy. And God wants him to be happy.... very happy. And so then God must wantme to be happy too because the thing at which I am best is watching Mel Gibsons slice people open with swords and take showers in there blood. This movie will make a lot of people want to become Catholics because it is also very much like Passion of a Christ except if Jesus was the one torturing the shit of people for two hours and also if Jesus was dressed in the costume from Eli Roths Thanksgiving movie. So church will be packed next Sunday because boners!
I will not write very much else because they try to have a story for all the Academy Award voters and I dont want to expose it for anyone who maybe cares (bitch asses). There is so much sweet shit that I have not said that my brain is getting a boner so hard right now that it is going to brake threw the back of my mouth and make me blow it when I think of it all. This movie obvusly costs a billion dollars to make because Mel Gibsons did crazy as usual reasearch and was like "I wonder how many hacks with a sword it really takes to chop off someones head" so they bought a million pigs and chopped off there heads with swords and they were like "it takes four chops", but for Solomon it takes three because fuck you hes Solomon Fucking Kane!!!
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+ Expand All
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INDEED.
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or a bad? (btw)
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I men what the hell?
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a small bit of advice to Harry & Whomever wrote this "Review"...PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE
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Why this hasnt arrived?
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Capone is unfunny, disingenuous, and a complete outright asshole, but I sense a certain genuine enthusiasm beneath this man's reams of expletives and inchoate cinematic references.
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:) fire capone :)
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Please don't publish this kind of review. It taints your site and is barely legible.
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"Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window."
This dude is rad! -
I mean, ripping yourself off a cross is badass as shit, but the rest of this movie mostly plays out like an extended episode of Xena: Warrior Princess
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What the hell is this moron talking about?
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WTF? I think this article was posted to show that there is a writer WORSE than Harry. Way to waste my time.
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Its a solid movie, some of the acting is a little wobberly and storywise it's pretty pedestrian but otherwise fairly enjoyable.
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That is all.
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"There is so much sweet shit that I have not said that my brain is getting a boner so hard right now that it is going to brake threw the back of my mouth and make me blow it when I think of it all. "
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This reviewer still needs to learn English and his language is vile
this movie looks crappy better than Avatar or Braveheart dream on -
I read the screenplay for this a couple of years ago, and it seemed pretty much pedestrian and formulaic. Like, dialogue written entirely in order to advance an extremely familiar plot. I don't know if that was the final shooting script or really anything about it, but I was so bored by that script I just wrote it off.
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...Didnt read the entire review, but the first thing i saw was somethin bout this site bein "sweet" for years... um, this site hasnt been sweet since before Grindhouse was made... and how dare you all make fun of the site owner aka the great Capone?! he should find you and beat you down wit a baseball bat or a tommy gun...
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Seriously. When the movie is released on Blu-Ray, this should be one of the special features. And they should get Dame Judi Dench to read it.
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With that masterly control of the English language. BTW, the movie? What the fuck is this movie? IMDB doesn't say anything and according to this review, it has Mel Gibson in a pre-release remake of that nicolas cage Season of the Witch movie. So, really, what the fuck is this movie?
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Mar 02, 2010 5:56:06 PM CST
Um . . .Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this, right?
by one-eyed willy
I had to imdb this to be sure. Wow, spectacular! He's like a Russian Glen Beck!
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Judi Dench would be okay, but I'd prefer Kelsey Grammer, Sean Connery, Christopher Walken, Tim Curry ... or a rotating chorus of all the above!
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do it.
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I thought that exact same thing as I was reading it. Fucking hilarious!
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I have soiled my pants. I want AICN to hire this master of the language of film IMMEDIATELY. Who else could consider that Solomon Kane is "like Passion of a Christ except if Jesus was the one torturing the shit of people for two hours and also if Jesus was dressed in the costume from Eli Roths Thanksgiving movie"? You sir, are a film critic for today's world.
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Saw this a few weeks back. Don't let this guy get your hopes up too much. Seriously.
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Seriously?
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C'mon, it's no more literate (not to mention coherent) than anything else he's ever written.
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Mar 02, 2010 6:12:02 PM CST
"Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely
by zahaladeen
and at no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."
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funny as hell! The whole time I am reading it, I have this weird fucking accent in my head to go along with it. Some of the analogies he uses reminds me of that fucking guy who supposedly saw Cloverfield before it came out and sent in his review. I can't remember that guys fucking name to save my life.
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I might even be in church this Sunday with the huge boner this review has left me with. Instead of MC DLyte his handle should be "A Prophet".
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If this is an Oswald review then A+++ If not it still gets an A+++ Either way this review is full of win.
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...and then she reviewed "Solomon Kane" in her native mail-order bride language, which you directly translated and posted here.
Pathetic. I'll wait for a REAL review.
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...Eh... he is tryin to hard to be Neil Cumpston...
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...A washed up female rapper from the nineties...
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That is all.
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are needed these days! But I'm biased.
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Let's not encourage this kind of shit, please.
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If I see this, and it does anything less than rock my fucking eyes out, I will be sorely disappointed, and will lay the blame squarely at your feet. So there (nyaah).
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fuck that nazi lovin, jew hating bastard wont watch anything that he is in, produces or directs and shame on this site for promoting his filth
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I have to admit I always like the way that people who don't have English as a first language write it- there's a certain lack of subterfugue. Sure 'What the fucking shit ball fuck shit' speaks of limited vocabulary, but the point is made. And if you really, really must puff up your ego to make some sort of complaint about this, kindly have the decency to do it in Russian. After all, this guy took the time to learn your language.
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Maybe the next review we get for this will at least contain a shred of intelligence behind it. You really shouldn't post junk like this. It just makes the site look bad.
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it was reviewed in the UK and was pretty much panned as a rubbish film.
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This was hysterical, absolutley hysterical.
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Saw this last March at a distributer screening in Beverly Hills (thanks to Harry, actually) and it's good, but not great.
James Purefoy/Mel Gibsons is terrific and it's sort of like Witchfinder General, if Matthew Hopkins was the good guy. It relies too much on ripping off other, better, films though - the Balrog finale in particular.
Loved the review, but I don't think this guy is for real. He's trying to hard to be a Slavic Neil Cumpston. I suspect it's Moriarty, after his old job back - look at the name, it even looks like a variation on Mori's stage name, 'Drew McWeeny'. -
Mel Gibson has nothing to do with this project. I don't have a clue what this mumbling idiot is talking about!
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I've been waiting a year to see this thing yet no U.S. date has been announced. Boy, you guys really want me to go illegally download this thing, don't you?
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...I like these reviews IF they are done by Neil... if its not him, its a imitation... and no one wants imitation vag!...
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You're like the opposite of cool and funny.
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That motherfucker is smoking the pipe of peace.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lalm_kkczVM
Looks good, cant believe we didn't get it in the states. -
That kitten BALLS lame fire TREE!
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And for that reason, I'm out.
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I mean WTF? Reviews only make me want to see a movie when they don't require me to work at understanding them.
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...crazy fucking Russians. Great review. Reminded me of Harry's 'Blade II' review.
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feel right at fucking home here.
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And the rest of you talkback cocksuckers.
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Someone is (lamely) trying to do the whole N. Cumpston schtick. And failing miserably (hell, even the real thing isn't all that, after 1-2 times). This isn't a review as much as it is ignorant, juvenile verbal diarrhea. Someone needs their keyboard and ISP taken away.
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Funniest thing I've read all week, actually.
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and I will not discuss it because it is a spoiler.
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wish i had now.
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I am laughing so fucking hard right now. Ahahahahahahahahaha
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wait til you get a load of the movie. Saw this last week and it is shit, great opening 5 mins, followed by an hour and a half of am i good/am i bad bollocks and then topped off with a video game bad guy ending.Avoid.
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the base is there now, i think the next one set in North Africa would iron out the imperfections of this movie. i was just happy it made it to theatres. yes, it is better than pathfinder. green can u hint at what you didn't like? was it the thing that appears at the end?
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How do you put a space in a talkback name?
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it's there if you're name was made before a certain time. im sure one of my old accounts had a space
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...Or the new JetL93? You be the judge.
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Saw this a few weeks ago in the UK, and found it mildly entertaining. It was like Van Helsing with more blood. Not much more than that though. An ok-ish boy's film, chop, chop, argh, splat fest.
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Hire this fucker for ALL the reviews on your site.
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Damn this is so amazing right now. I have never thinked in a million years I can be on this awesome fucking website of yours. I am using very much babel fish at altavista.com now to see what all the people are saying and I am cumming in my pants. Even those of the peoples who think Iam a stupid fucking shit fuck that is okay because I love every person of you so much right now. I learn English right now because another dream of mine is to make my son the new Jean Claude Van Damme and go to America and be his manager. So Im making a blogs of movies to practice my English for when this other dream of mine will come true. You can read at www.residentevilgenius.blogspot.com
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...MC D-Lyte = The love child of Natasha Badanov and Drago from Rocky IV hooked on badly made Russian meth cooked up from potato skins, Windex and shoe polish. Sounds about right.
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... I mean that in a GOOD way.
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i guess it answers my question about whether or not eastern europe has access to ridalin.
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Mar 02, 2010 7:46:48 PM CST
If I go to your blog, no one's going to hack my computer...
by jaylenotookmyjob
...and empty all my debit card accounts or try to sell me a hairy Russian mail order bride with boils on her face are they? We want to know, MC, before we risk it.
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"I am stupid fucking shit fuck but I love every person of you" is now my new catchphrase!
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Best fucking quote ever! Can't wait to see this movie! ;) With REH's Conan now being completely ruined, this will do justice to his work I'm hoping, because the new Conan movie is FUCKED.
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...but all joking aside. What the fuck was that MC D-Lyte? I like to curse just as much as the next AICN junkie....but tone it down. That review was bad....like real bad. You sounded like a Buddhist Monk gettin' his first piece of pussy.
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http://www.movies-links.tv/movies/solomon_kane/
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wtf is this shiz
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YES!
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Sorry, this AICN and every talkback has a 1 Michael Bay comment quota
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My sweet fucking website not as good as this sweet fucking website is so safe you can take my promise. But if you no how to get credit cards then email me because YES!
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I can't get past the first two sentences. This review (and reviewer) is a waste of space.
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that was some funny shit
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"Sorry, this AICN and every talkback has a 1 Michael Bay comment quota"
Well, I guess I'll make your day by mentioning him one more time:
Michael Bay's TRANFORMERS is a reeking celluloid sewage pit, and everyone looking forward to TF3 is probably also looking forward to the next set of balls dancing away on their chin as they gobble away like a one man turkey farm.
How's that, noob? -
I see you got out of prison early. Then again, Obama always had a soft spot for pedophiles. Speaking of soft spots, how's your anus?
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was about as entertaining and helpful as punching a retard in the throat! What the FUCK! Don't EVER post anything like that again or I may visit your site again! I swear to God reading that made me feel like throwing a baby at a telephone pole out of a moving car!
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I've been AICN many years now...just not under the same name. I've been banned quite a bit. Just like you're banned from elementry schools, graveyards, zoos, etc...
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they should turn it into a movie.it would have been amazing.
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from Clerks
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Sorry, kiddo, but PWNING a 13-year-old newbie on a public forum doesn't quite qualify as "pedophilia", much as you might want a grown man's booze-stinking, hot breath on the back of your neck.
It's actually a public service. -
I'm starting to sound like that Mc Dick Lyte guy who wrote this retarded review.
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albeit a funny plant, but that blog has me questioning myself. I almost liked it better when I was sure it was fake... now I'm slightly disturbed.
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Mar 02, 2010 8:31:30 PM CST
Mike Bay is wonna the baddest mothafukars of all time
by fuckemiftheycanttakeamichaelbay
You can aaaaaall lick his shit if you don't like it!
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Many reviews on AICN are illiterate and unreadable. My God, any manner of keyboard diarrhea just gets slapped up on this site. There are absolutely no standards when it comes to the English language and coherent writing...at least since Moriarty left.
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You wrote "PWNING a 13-year-old newbie" Im assuming you meant "PAWNING a 13-year-old" ...You're basically telling on yourself. We all know that you're in to the whole "Human trafficing" thing, but don't bring it here dude. So...you wanna see Transfomers 3? Maybe they'll get a projector and show it on your prison wall. It will break up the monotony of aggresive butt-sex with your cellmate. I'm sure you're tired of feeling him tear anyways.
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We have to wait 8 months before our balls get dragged to hell?
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tear, tear, tear that pink meat. You're a tearorist
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Hats off to the Talkbacker who put that image in my head. I thought this couldn't be any funnier. That's funnier.
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PWNING is gamer jargon for owning, ie destroying. Seriously, half of you sound like the guy who wrote that review was your teacher.
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It's also jargon for pedophiles...like you. As far as the retard who wrote this review, that guy is like a God onto you. Have fun gaming, let me know how that's working out for you.
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saw it last week and its a very solid movie. don't go in expecting anything amazing and you won't be disappointed.
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that is trying to be fun and hip with the cussing? Learn how to write first then play with the language. In the meantime, stay in your parents basement.
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I don't think it's this guy who is retarded, but rather the American culture we ship out to Eastern European countries making them think this kind of "English" is a proper way of expressing yourself. And as far as his review being shit, I'd like to see all the haters put their money where their mouths are write something good/funny enough to get posted by Harry. I can guarantee without a doubt that you could not.
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the trailer looks bad ass.
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I'm gonna have my 6 month old niece crawl across the keyboard and submit it as a review. But really, I quit reading at the Mel Gibson name check.
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all the times Mel Gibsons watches Braveheart he says "fuck my cock why dont I have two swords instead of one like a loose pussy of my x wife?"
Is it April Fool's Day? -
i would read this again. i'm actually pretty pumped for solomon kane.
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are the demons all jews???
by brabon300 Mar 2nd, 2010
06:24:51 PM
fuck that nazi lovin, jew hating bastard
wont watch anything that he is in, produces or directs.
and shame on this site for promoting his filth
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No really... ?
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hell, has a beer, and cheat son his wife
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James Purefoy is Solomon Kane. I think my brain is melting.
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The movie is talky and dull.
Big fan of Purefoy from his Rome days so I went in wanting to love this, but was stung big time.
Guys it's fucking mediocre. -
Was anyone else chuckling by the end of reading this? It was fantastic schizophrenia laden humor.
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Fake, dumb, unfunny. Why run this crap?
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Saw it at AFM. Some fun set-pieces, but thinly-veiled preachy messages and weird pacing don't do it any favours. See it, but don't expect too much.
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I am not the worlds greatest detective but I think Harry does not like Mel. Hmmmm.??
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Not to mention painful. Even for a quick skim. You guys can do better.
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That's the best.
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get a review published on a website: "I have been reading your fucking sweet web site for years"
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You're not even trying anymore, AICN. I'm off to io9 and never returning.
You used to be so good. What happened? -
Thank you Borat, great review!
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and holy fuck what a review. That was a good crazy ass rant, give this guy a job!
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than this awesome review, is all the morons posting "But Mel Gibson isn't in it" and critiquing the writing style as unprofessional. You people make the talkbacks worth reading.
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i will still be laughing tomorrow...PWNING looks too much like PAWNING to me
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Not everyone is in Jr. High and thinks it's funny when someone says fuck or boner. I think that's where the backlash is coming from, not that we don't "get it". "It" has been done a billion times on this site and isn't original or amusing to anyone but a junior high kid.
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It's like he learned english by reading only Neill Cumpston reviews. What ever happened to Cumpston btw? Didn't move to Belarus, did he?
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is laughing at all the people who think it's serious.
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fuckin squares
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AsimovLives wrote a review
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It's a bit dark for my taste but I guess I'll get used to it, the sound quality seems OK. Am I allowed to say where it's posted on here?
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Why do so many people here take things like this seriously?
There should honestly be alot more reviews out there like this. The kind that just straight up give you a broner -
Funny, but still just the fake-russian Neil Cumpston. Though I award bonus points because boners.
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... are to let you know if some movies are going to give you boners, not if some movies are going to make you think about the meaning of life and make your dick fall off. (MC_DLyte)
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Another round of interviews with Megan Fox where she talks about how it was simply awful to grow up blazingly hot. Gag. I doubt she can fuck this movie up, though. She is not total garbage.
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And SOLOMON KANE is fine. Not great, but more than OK. Better than OUTLANDER, at any rate. Deserves a release in the US, and Michael Bassett deserves some support.
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...mediocre. That's all there is to it really. It's not the worst movie ever but it's so completely average.The main reason behind this is the script. It's like they figured a few cool(ish) fight scenes will make an great movie and everything else, story included, is just filler.Sucks, because I was really looking forward to it as well.
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I wanna buy him a beer. If it's a hoax, I still wanna buy her a beer.
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did you say the RealDoll(c) is in this? weird.
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Hire this guy. A mix of the styles of Vern and the Fat Chicks in Party Hats guy. I've learned a lot of my english AICN too, and the first time I used the well known american saying "choclate covered pussy juice" people looked at me funny.
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Saw this in UK about two weeks ago, enjoyed it a lot. As a major fan of REH's stories, I'd been waiting for this movie for a long time. It takes a few liberties with the character, but manages to transpose the essence of Kane fairly well. Fight scenes are suitably visceral, and Purefoy is excellent.
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Especially of the first 5 mins, with the guards on swords & the Pan's Labrynth guy & bit where he says.."Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window".
It pretty much DOES happen like that. Minus Mel Gibson. I mean Gibsons:-).
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Megan Fox isn't in Soloman Kane. Maybe you're confusing Kane with Jonah Hex?
Unless you think Megan Fox looks like Pete Poslethwaite. -
its a crock of shit seen it myself, this review sums it up much better than anyone i know!! http://www.filmtwats.com/filmtwa1/reviews/chris%e2%80%99-review-of-solomon-kane/
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Very funny, Harry.
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eberts reviews have really gone down hill lately!
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That really is some fucked up shit right there.
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but i'm sorry to say it ain't Braveheart either (i'm not quite sure why that would be anyone's comparator for a Robert E Howard flick, but the guy lives in Belarus so i'll cut him some slack).
i saw it in London a couple of weeks ago and it reminded me of thin nourishing gruel, but in a good way. First of all, i haven't read any of Howard's Kane stories so i can judge how faithful it is. But it certainly has the *feel* of something that's faithful to the original: how else to explain the films quite extraordinary commitment to historical realism and the puritan worldview, even while there are guys fighting in the mud with demons? What's best about this film, besides Purefoy's own performance (which is great), is how willing it is to avoid the usual conventions of action or horror or fantasy films in order to build an atmosphere of faith and fatalism. There's an action sequence at the start that Stephen Sommers might have directed, but after that, there's actually quite a long stretch of film which eschews action in favour of showing Kane as a lost soul seeking redemption, and his relationship with a family of puritans. Of course, the action returns eventually, and with a vengance, but the film takes its time, and i admired that. The buildup means that, when the time comes for Kane to chose between his immortal soul and his desire to do good, it shines through as probably the film's strongest moment - a truly wrenching dilemma that Purefoy really sells.
Secondly, the setting ain't sparkly high fantasy, despite its castles, demons and devils of various kinds. It's very muddy sword and sorcery, with a stong base of what feels like historical fiction even though it ain't. Also, the entire thing looks like it was shot in winter. In the rain. It's very well shot too, but would it have killed them to show a season other than January?
The film's main weaknesses are a failure to build its plot, and the lack of any interesting characters besides Kane himself, and that includes the main villain(s). Peter Postleswhaite and Alice Krige do a good job as puritans, but they're ultimately more setup than anything else. I won't give away the big reveal, but safe to say that you can probably guess relatively early on who one of the big bads is gonna be, while the other big bad is introduced in pretty much the final scene and is as stock as they come.
given that Kane doesn't appear to have gotten a north american release, i feel bad about saying that the review above is the kind of hype that it doesn't need. I sincerely hope Kane does end up getting a wide release, since its definitely a different kind of action hero and the world needs more old fashioned (as in badass ass-kicking puritans) Howard fantasy heros. Also its a good film to take your history students, since its one of the more unromanticised depictions of a historical period i've seen since, i dunno, Unforgiven? But, at the same time, having seen Kane, it's hard to recommend it unreservedly for this film surely has its flaws. I haven't seen Wolfman yet, but i get the impression its kind of the same deal: well done but disappointing. Instead, I think Kane is the kind of film that - if it manages to do well - will end up having a sequel that does away with all the flaws of the original and gives us something truly great.
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For every person that finds something like this complete rubbish there is another that will derive some laughs from it.
Who comes to AICN expecting proffesionalism?! -
Mar 03, 2010 4:09:50 AM CST
Still not interested in seeing Solomon Kane however
by judge dredds fresh undies
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Harry, could use a tip or two on how to jizz all over your review without making readers roll their eyes.
Moral of the erview: If you wanna talk nonsense, don't pretend to make any sense. -
Look on the bright side, it's at least as coherent as anything Harry writes.
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This is an american guy pretending to be a bielo-russian so he can get away with pseudo-bad english witticisms. And he makes me want to not watch the movie, which is just wrong, because i want to watch this movie.
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Great,now people are going to think that Solomon Kane is for retards.
Okay maybe English isn't the guy's first language, but Mel fething Gibson????
Fair enough he made the mistake, but WTF made AICN post this up as a review?
For my part, the best description I can give for this movie is: I've never had this buzz since I first saw Highlander. In fact the only thing missing from this film would have been a Queen soundtrack; not that it's derivative, but for the sheer love of sword-play and bloody swashbuckling.
And, as a Brit, I have to say it's about f#king time James Purefoy got a shot at the big screen. For too long he's been co-star, cameo, walk-on gold; but fans of Rome will know that the cinema has been begging for this guy.
In Solomon Kane he proves he'd kick Daniel Craig's Bond's ass, and decapitate Mortenson's Aragon, all the time making a Devonshire accent sound cool and menacing.
There are flaws to be sure: like Wolfman, at ~90min it's a bit short, and you feel a little more was needed, especially on the chief Villain, Mallaki, who only turns up in the last act (although his masked henchman is an all pervasive presence throughout). But despite this it still deserves a series of sequels to explore the Kane lore (N'Longa, the Staff of Solomon, etc).
I can't beleive this hasn't been released in the US, but for you guys that haven't seen it yet trust me; if it's bloody sword action, dark atmospheric Hell-on-Earth, Blood for the Blood God cinema you even remotely like, look no further than Solomon Kane -
Hey, if your life's ambition is to reach the heady heights of being Neill Cumpston, this fucking windowlicker of a reviewer can't even get THAT right.
What a waste of time. SOLOMON KANE is the best dark fantasy / swords-and-sorcery flick I've seen in years, maybe decades - so don't let this fuckwit put you off seeing it. SOLOMON KANE is a badass movie through and through - and James Purefoy is fucking awesome in it. What a relentless performance...
Don't miss this movie. Great stuff. -
Ain't that the coolest review? Ever?
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This guy showed up in A KNIGHT'S TALE for all of maybe five minutes, and had so much charisma he almost (I said almost, but not quite) stole the movie off of Heath and his gang.
"If I might repay the kindness you once showed me... Take a knee."
Pure Brit badassedness. Craig's Bond wouldn't know what hit him. -
... how very few people seem to be able to enjoy it, though.
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Im not the one with intimate knowledge of pedophile jargon. The gaming is going great, thanks for asking. How is being a spiteful prat working out for you?
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about people picking up bad habits from English language TV and film. Sad indictment really. I was in Koh Phangan a few weeks ago and all the stalls on the beach were selling buckets of vodka and red bull. Except they weren't called buckets. They were called "FUCKING BUCKETS!!". Great place, but not somewhere you'd take your gran.
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... reminds me of when i saw STARSHIP TROOPERS, and there was this two idiots in the front seats who mistook Kurtwood Smith for Jack Nicholson and kept on callimg him Jack Nicholson for the remain of the movie. In fac,t they kept on seeing Jack Nicholson everywhere, in every movie trailer that went before the main show. The guys talked like they were high. It was hillarious, made STARSHIP TROOPERS even funnier then it already is.
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O am I learning so much from all of you my teachers. My promise of mine is that Im not a stupid shit fuck and maybe because my English is not yet the best that some peoples think I am but I am not. My promise. You are showing me to learn that I need more words than fuck and shit. My wife tells me the same thing yesterday but I was so excited by this movie of theres and when I am excited and use English I say fuck and shit very very much but maybe this is a change of mine to make. I hope my movie review of this movie makes many of you see this because I have not loved so much a movie since Crank 2 - I watch that movie so much with my son to teach him Jason Statham fighting style for when he is famous. We will watch Solomon Fing Kane together as well so we can make sweet Fing movies for all of you to love and get boners.
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i think most of us understands the joke. It's just that the joke isn't funny.
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shut up.
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Balls fuckin' shit YOU!
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Yes, it is. Please, read again, shit ball fuck shit.
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I agree with you, it's about time James Purefoy gets to be better known by audiences and became a star on his own right. He's one hell of an actor, as evidenced by his work in the TV series ROME, playing Marcus Antonius (Mark Anthony). Like many other younger shakespearean actors, like Ray Stevenson and Kevin McKidd, who were also in ROME, he's a very good dramatic actor who's also very adept at playing ass kicking action heroes. James Purefoy is being wasted, if you ask me.
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Gave up halfway through. If someone could possibly translate it into english please.
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but still some kind of plant from a geekster with great imagination. Will do nothing for the Us release, but gave us a hell of a good time. Just too good to be true and come from "Minsk".
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Wasn't he approached for the lead in the Highlander reboot? A Scotsman as Connor? It'll never work.
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We've established this has nothing to do with Gibson. Purefoy is a good actor, it's a shame he doesn't have anything to work with here. And he's the slowest hero ever - 'What do yoy feed them on?' - Sheesh!
I really wanted to like this movie, but it just doesn't flow or work at all. I didn't care for any character and a lot of the action is pointless. Avoid. -
That's 'you', not 'yoy'
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IF that refers to the games then that is one more prop for the guy.
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I've read in a while. Really did have Borat's voice in my head. That, and the voice of this Russian Jewish dude I used to work with. At least he wasn't fondling some studio's balls like most reviews...
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... I really can't understand a single sentence of this review. I'm taking a guess that the reviewer enjoyed it. If this is the type of person it appeals to, I will be giving it a very wide berth.
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It's a terrible thing when someone learns english purely from watching Porn!!
Loved this review, this boy has great career in front of him, god knows where tho! -
And unfunny. And Harry is retarded for posting it. And any of you morons who are criticizing it for poor grammar thinking it is an attempt at a real movie review are retarded. Anyone who thought this guy reviewed a real movie is retarded. I will never understand how this site has managed to remain the "gold standard" for movie news and blogs that Hollywood feels the need to cater to, when there are so many other sites (i.e. Dark Horizons, Rotten Tomatoes, etc.) where one can get actual movie news without having to weed around this kind of asinine bullshit. This review is right up there with the kind of dialog that passes between 15 year old virgins while playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 online.
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Mar 03, 2010 7:48:23 AM CST
Thats what happens when one grows up learning english by reading
by dioxholsterreturns
what happens when one learns english from reading AICN TB while going through puberty?
...I give you MC D-LYTE... -
How can you doubt a guy who wants to teach his kid Statham-Fu? You're a very cynical man.
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man wheres the thought process. give him grammar lessons harry, oh wait no not you.
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Solomon Kane Review
by Roger Ebert
"There are about a hundred guards and this is very sweet like when they storm the castle at Lord of the Ring 2 Towers excpet if Eastern Promises had been by himself instead of the gay and the dwarf there as well and he had to get in the castle to fuck Maria Bello in Historys of Violence.
Then the castle turns into the Pan Labrynth movie and Mel Gibsons tells his men to shut the fuck up bitches or theyll wake the demon with the eyeballs on his hands but its too late and they wake him up and his whole family and they get FUCKED UP! Solomon is like "sweet, more gold for me" but then there is the Drag Me To Hell monster from Paranormal Activity and he say he is going to drag Mel Gibsons to hell because he sold his soul to the devil, and Mel Gibsons is like "I am sorry for Leathal Weapon 4 and Man Without a Face, but Im Catholic and made Road Warrior movies so I cant go to hell", but the demon is like "your not going to hell for that, is for What Women Want" and everyone is like "oh shit hes right", but then Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window." -
looking at you Obama...hahahaha...and MC D-LYTE
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I have precisely no problem with that. I have very low standards.
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Mar 03, 2010 8:04:24 AM CST
This guy makes my english look like fucking shakespear!
by dioxholsterreturns
quote for the poster:
"the first 5 minutes will make you cum like 20 times in your pants, imagine what will the next 86 minutes will make you do" -
...AND IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you newbs wont know what im talking about it but this is the next " I just saw cloverfield and it was awesome!!!!" review
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but this is pretty good, regardless.
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AsimovLives, because their English is about the same level.
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Point taken, and let me clarify: reading this review and not thinking it's funny is fine; purely a matter of taste. But the people who *clearly* aren't getting that this is a put on voice, and are confused? Added entertainment for your talkback dollar.
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"Maybe we oughta just video tape this, play it back in slow motion."
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Seriously, make a movie about this guy who wrote the review. Would be fucking balls epic.
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...In a World where Balls get dragged to hell
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Flatery will get you nowhere.
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Yo MC_DLyte, do they show stargate where you live!???
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I have to take a day off work today because I have so much feelings about how Fing sweet to have a movie review of mine on a AICN page is. I have been at work on my day off to write more for you to read because you all feel like my best friends at such a moment even the peoples who say I am a douche such as Asimovrules because you have been reading it and that is my dream.
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Hire this man!!!
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there in Minsk, my east-european friend? Anyway, great review!
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Do you want to tell Satan to suck your dick & play with your balls & jump out a window with Mel Gibsons?
Or do you want to stay with your brother, Charlie Babbitt? -
tears refreshed our eyes after read your review, it gave me a boner making empire, makes AICN happy like pig in mud.
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do no learn english, keep it the way it is!
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Anyone who has seen the Solomon Kane trailer could have written it.
It tells us nothing. Yes, it's mildly amusing for a quick once-over, but other than that - pointless.
Seriously, why? -
I'm sure you get weird stuff like this all the time that don't qualify as "reviews" per say, but please continue to share the craziest of it with us. eh oh el.
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That “kid” that sometimes writes (barely readable) comic reviews makes more sense than that review.
Harry should spend a little more time screening these types of reviews and a little less time organising where on his shelf he should best display his Transformers 1 & 2,T4 and Waynes Brothers ‘comedy’ bluerays. And where’s the best place to hang his Chinatown movie poster.
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Seriously... he ruined the whole movie for me.
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Fucking shit ball fuck shit? I mean, glad for the review and all, but nobody who just learned to write English well-enough to write this review would say half the shit this guy says. Seriously, he sounds like Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd doing their "Wild and Crazy Guys" skit back in the day. This guy (an American, I'd put big money on) watched this movie on Ninjavideo or some similar site and wrote his "foreign" review. Nice try and all. Thanks for the review, but you are not from fucking Minsk - fact.
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Totally forgot about him. Yeah, just reread this review with Borat's voice in your head and you'll totally see the dude pretending to be foreigner who is totally loving the American action flicks and the womens with the large breasts!
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And am writing many of the reviews for this site which I have loved and enjoyed for long time now. Are you wanting to be publishing my words for me on your most excellent site?
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does Mel Gibson have to do with anything?
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Fo' fucking real? Yes, of course, a foreign-born non-English speaking Russian would totally create the word "Lyte." I can't tell you how many homophones that make sense I make in foreign-language that I am not speaking very well - Mandarin, Russian, French, Bantu. I tear that shit up! I am considered quite the wordsmith by many Australian aboriginals, too. MC D-Lyte? Fucking please. (Funny try, though.)
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Did Borat write this review?
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MC D-Lyte is "to take a day off work today because I have so much feelings about how Fing sweet to have a movie review of mine on a AICN page is." That was posted at 08:57:09 AM Austin, Texas, time. Apparently then, MC D-Lyte works the night shift 'cause it's 6:00 pm on Wednesday in Minsk when he posted that. And then when you read his blog site - he tells you that he "cleans popcorn at a movie theater." Funny, dude. Your whole spin/rip-off of Borat to review movies was amusing.
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... should become the 2010 "No, no, no, no, no!!!" (courtesy of Shia La Beouf).
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... running after Bumblebee screaming "Shit ball fuck shit, that's my car!"
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For a film filled with awesomeness like ye Solomon Kane shall never be embraced by ye Hollywood!
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is it me or does d lite remind you of toki from metalocalypse?
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Kinda funny but very close to a neil cumpston review no?
how funny was that double feature review for the passion and matrix 2 come on!~ -
Mar 03, 2010 11:54:00 AM CST
"your not going to hell for that, is for What Women Want"
by bosphorusbill
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Thank you MC D-Lyte.
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best review ever posted!
"I am sorry for Leathal Weapon 4 and Man Without a Face, but Im Catholic and made Road Warrior movies so I cant go to hell" -
I think Purefoy was great in Rome and the story here just wasn't up to his abilities.
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Really what the heck was that? Was that posted purely for it's comedic value? I do appreciate my stomach still hurts from all the laughing.
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I can.
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I'd buy that for a dollar!
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(it's just too soon dude), but for anyone who doesn't think this guy is really from Belarus, just look at his picture on his blog profile and then run... run far far away.
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For starter,s he hasbn0t made one single coment about all those who called him russian. And for those who don't know, bielo-russians, aka, the people from Belarus, don't like russians much. ans yet this so-called guy from belarus hasn't,. once, felt the need to correct anybody in here that he's not russian but from Belarus. It's details like that that betray the bullshit about this poster. From Belarus my ass. Texas more like it.
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Mar 03, 2010 3:19:01 PM CST
I think Mel Gibson is going to hell for THE PASSION OF CHRIST
by asimovlives
That's the movie that's going to sent Gibson to hell.
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Case in point, just go look at at what The Bicycle Sharer wrote! That guy actually thinks he's uncovered some kind of trick and is calling the writer on it! Awesome! Way to see through the cunning charade!
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Both of my balls exploded after I read that review. Good thing I have two more pair.
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What kind of fucking review was that????
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I finally took the plunge after literally years of visiting this site and registered just to post that this "review" is the most unintelligible pile of incoherent babbling drek I've come across in a while (and that's saying something considering how much time I spend online). Why anyone would think that people would find this informative, or even entertaining is beyond me. If it's supposed to be an actual review, it's the worst I've read. If it's intended to be comedy it has failed utterly. Boo.
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I finally took the plunge after literally years of visiting this site and registered just to post that this "review" is the most unbelievable pile of amazing hilarious goodness I've come across in a while (and that's saying something considering how much time I spend online). Why anyone would think that people would find this informative, or even entertaining is blatantly obvious to me and more than half the talkbackers I've read. If it's supposed to be an actual review, it's not the best I've read. But if it's intended to be comedy it has succeeded entirely. Yay.
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Flawless win.
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I laughed the entire way through. He pumped me up to see this movie. I mean anyone who can put "It dragged my balls through hell" in a review is pretty much my hero.
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And it's not very good.Some lovely production design and art direction - an utterly miserable winter in some bizarre fantasy Medieval/Elizabethan England - but after the hundreth drifting snow/hammering rain scene, even this begins to pall.The script is incredibly generic: actually better in the films early stages before everything becomes one long poorly staged fight sequence that you've already seen done better in countless films, and the film has absolutely NO sense of pacing WHATSOEVER. The bad guys are either slightly more muddy and expensive Xena extras (always Cocknies for some reason) or the usual over-the-top moustache twiddler. The few actual monsters that appear are disappointing - either underused or poorly realised and coming off like Del Toro on a pocket change budget.All this is a real shame as there's cleary a lot of potential in the ideas on show, particularily when the script feels able to touch on darker, scarier themes, but every time it does you can almost SEE the producers dialling back the scares in favour of average-movie-audience dumbness.Purefoy however is fabulous, and trying his best with very uneven material.The film does get points though for being the first action horror film where the lead actor speaks with a West Country accent!
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Sounds like my ex wife's divorce lawyer.
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I just can't square how a director who clearly loves this character could have written and staged the bad scenes in this film when he produces so much good in many of the others...
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Guess I shouldn't be surprised that some people here found that funny. I was laboring under the clearly incorrect assumption that people come here for movie news/reviews and have a more refined sense of humor than say, a 4th grader - "ooh, he said drag my balls, haha, LOL". Why don't you kids go play on 4chan and let the grownups talk?
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How can anyone come to AICN and still be so goddammed full of themselves that they can't laugh at this?
"I came here for reviews, not this juvenile tripe." - go fuck yourself. -
James Purefoy was born and bred in Taunton, Somerset (like Jenny Agutter), which means he is awesome. FACT! For fuck's sake let us wurzels have a tiny bit of filmic fame, we deserve it! Edgar Wright was bred a mere 20 miles away in Wells!
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A few years back I was pitching an ad that was to feature the Wurzels. Sadly the project fell through in the end. I still cry at night at that missed opportunity.
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when hes not even in it??????? that part i dont get at all.
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Thank you for the coherent review.
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Go to www.realultimatepower.net and have a good laugh. This review is similar in style to that, except Robert actually can spell (more or less), and is a lot funnier. This guy wishes he had the wit/satire of Robert. Check him out, he really is quite funny!
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I looked up the trailer. Honestly, it looks kind of cheesy.A couple of days back I bought "The Horror Stories of Robert E Howard." There's a Solomon Kane story in the book which is pretty damn scary! It's called "The Hills of The Dead." In it, Kane meets a tribe of African Native Vampires.Howard's powers of description are incredible. The scene when Kane first sees two of the vampires would make you jump if they filmed it correctly. Sadly, I think his work will have to stay on the written page and moviegoers will miss out on one of the best imaginations in literature.
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Ok, this review was funny for about 16 seconds. Maybe I'm just getting old. If you guys want to give Kane some notice then post some actual reviews from the UK.
And yes, the short stories pull my fucking balls down to the firey pits of hells blackend p_ssy! They're fucking wet and so damn good!
...! -
What this review lacks in English grammar it makes up for in enthusiasm. Goddamn hell I want to see Solomon Kane!
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While we wait for a US distribution deal, going to film festivals to see this film is all that's open to us at the moment. So woohoo to Newport Beach Film Festival for finding and bringing this film in. It will be screening not once, but twice at the end of April. http://www.newportbeachfilmfes t.com/
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No idea what you guys are smoking. This movie is straight to dvd material. Van Helsing looks like a masterpiece in comparison.
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Jeez, give it a chance, it hasn't even come out yet
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Feb 21, 2012 10:49:18 AM CST
I think the guy from Camelot that is on Strike Back is perfect for Hawkman
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 10:54:41 AM CST
This is one of the rare times when pirating is almost the only option
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 10:56:56 AM CST
But even fucking Uwe Bolls Blubberella is on Netflix instant now
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 10:57:20 AM CST
So they have foreign shit on there that doesn't have a DVD/Blu-Ray yet
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:01:05 AM CST
I wonder how that works, I have older stuff that's still there
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:05:08 AM CST
Maybe if more people do that, and create demand, netflix will aquire it
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:13:19 AM CST
You can't get Evil Dead for so you settle for Bubba Ho-tep
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:16:14 AM CST
I'm going to go ahead and blame the spelling errors on 1Db Overdrive
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:21:10 AM CST
Blade anime, like all Marvel anime on G4, is not very good
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:22:05 AM CST
And it's a fail drawing his sunglasses transparent so you can see his eyes
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:35:51 AM CST
Can't wait to see what villains he has planned for the next one
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:36:53 AM CST
Nic Cage's hairpiece should be blond if he were to play a villain in a Machete movie
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:37:44 AM CST
I made my girlfriend watch Trespass on netflix sunday when we got home from Ghost Rider
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:39:17 AM CST
I think she would have rather have been reading 11/22/63
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:39:44 AM CST
I thought Nicole Kidman was supposed to be a good actress?
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:41:48 AM CST
I knew the risk involved with Trespass being a Joel Shumacher film
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:42:05 AM CST
But there is still some leftover good will from Lost Boys
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:43:17 AM CST
I read the Ghost Rider comic by Garth Ennis last weekend too
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:46:23 AM CST
James Purefoy looks like Hugh Jackman and Tom Hardy had a baby
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:47:14 AM CST
I bought on the $35 sale like 3 weeks ago and it's still in the plastic
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 11:50:20 AM CST
If they are going to continue the mafia threat in the second season
by jackslater4
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but I'm happy it did
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Feb 21, 2012 12:02:02 PM CST
The 3D in the trailer for John Carter before Ghost Rider looked good
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 12:04:05 PM CST
It should be directed by Patrick Lussier, be shot in 3D and rated R
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 12:07:05 PM CST
Just not sure how Sabretooth is back after running around with EXiles
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 12:10:50 PM CST
Imagine if ILM, whose work will win Rango and oscar soon, made an Age of Apocalypse movie
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 12:11:41 PM CST
I wonder what is next for ILM in terms of an animated movie
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 12:15:23 PM CST
There was a spark of hope it could see a U.S. Release if Conan did well
by jackslater4
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Well, on AICN anyway!
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I laughed out loud this whole article but this one fucking finished me off!
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FUCK YES!
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A quick check of IMDB says there was a Solom Kane movie made in 2009 starring James Purefoy....that had no connection whatsoever to Mel Gibson.
so I don't know if this whole article is a joke, if there actually is a new Gibson movie that was somehow made and released overseas that none of us had heard about (and isn't listed on IMDB), or what. -
Feb 21, 2012 1:26:05 PM CST
wrath_of_fett he's just referring to James Purefoy as Mel Gibson because of a slight resemblance and to mine comedy gold.
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 1:27:11 PM CST
Wait...this is just copied and pasted from another website!
by wrath_of_fett
http://www.residentevilgenius.com/2010/03/solomon-kane-drags-my-balls-to-hell.html
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Feb 21, 2012 1:47:18 PM CST
Did Choppah write this?? No wait was his misses, Nordling. I spell fake-a-roonie.
by spewbacca
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So I have been learning so much about American capitalism. But to be so honest I do not fucking understand it. From all that I can see it is like this big fucking game of Monopoly but instead of fake money it is real money and instead of game it is real life.
"So what Nikolai, shall we be a Socialists like everyone in Europe who is giving so much moeny to Greece so they can have all the ass sex with all of the men?" No, socialism is fucking stupid too and it does not work because why am I to give my money I make sweeping popcorn and condoms at the cinema to help pay for Sorens sweet flat in East Minsk that he get government assistance from because they think he is so poor when really he is so rich from selling all the bootleg dvds?
(his top movies)
1. UNfuckingBREAKABLE
Snehzana and I just watch this movie again a couple of a month ago and it is still so fucking sweet you can hardly believe it because then M Dark Night Shamalynanana go on to direct so many pieces of shit that come out of aborted babys. Usually people get better when they direct more movies and practice so hard but not him because he is such a genius like Merlin who travel backwards in time and get worse instead.
9. GHOST "Can We Call You Weird Al" WORLD-
This is a story of two lesbians who go to a cafe and ask a waiter if they can call him Weird Al and that is so funny. Then one lesbian work at a Starbucks and the other work at a cinema (nice) and then they get in a fight and one of them fuck Steve Buscemi and then he get all weird and is like "I need to go to Fargo to get shot in the fucking face" and he leave and the lesbian he fuck waits for a bus. The End.
1. IN THE Fucking BEDROOM
In the Fucking Bedroom is about the guy from T3 and a Oscar winner from My Cousin Vinnys who have so much sex "In the Fucking Bedroom" but were they live when you say "In the fucking bedroom" it means it is you and her and also her ex husband and some lobsters and some super fucked up shit happens that I do not want to tell you because do you no sometimes you are at the gym and you ride the bike and the sweatpants rub against you and give you such a huge boner and you are like "Oh fuck I cant stop because people will see my huge boner but if I keep going then it feels so good that my boner will never go away" You are fucked. Watching this movie is basicly getting stuck with a huge boner you do not want to have but cannot make o away because you have to keep riding the fucking exercize bike and then,,, EXPLOSION!!!
id you no I am Belarusian but also half Mexican? It is true. And today is such a special day for all of a Mexicans. It is a Cinco of the Mayo when everyone in a world gets so drunk and eats so much mayo to celebrate how all the Mexicans kick the shit out of Spain in a battle so they can make there own country that is so awesome and has so many sweet kidnappings and murders and povertys that everyone wants to leave and be in a USA. VIVA MEXICO!!!
Did you also no there is so much crazy shit going on in a USA right now and they are finding all the Mexicans and killing them? Its true. Why are they killing all the Mexicans you ask? Because when Obama gets elected he free all the black slaves and give them all of the money. So the Mexicans see such a opportunity and come over and say "We want so much to be your slaves now! And you dont ever have to free us or give us all the money." And all the white people are like "Fuck you because that means we have to learn so much Spanish and that is so hard - we will rather play so many video games instead!" So now they kill them. Smart.
9. PUNCH My DRUNK Balls LOVE
Punch My Drunk Balls Love is such a funniest movie. Everyone no how much I love to laugh at a retards because of how funny they are and God give them to us for so much amusement. And everyone no the most funny of all these retards was Corky from Life Is Going On but then he die and Hollywood need a new retard to make us laugh so much so they pick Adam Sandlers. And that was such a good choice! So this movie is about a retard who fall in love and act so stupid! LOL!!!
I do not no about you but I am to go to bed now and dream about all the money I will make and all the abortions I will have when I move to America, Fuck Yeah! -
But I hated Harrys Blade review too.
This is when I realised he should never talk about sex because he is frankly creepy. -
...was a sobering reminder of why I come to this site less and less.
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From the guys original post to the comments left by others this is one of the best reads I've ever had on AICN. Funny shit, fellas. This guy is stupidly genius.
By the way, it should say something to Harry and everyone else that the guy who cannot even speak English is funnier and more entertaining than anyone else that contributes to AICN. Sure he misspelled a lot of stuff, but apparently English isn't his first language. Forgivable, especially when you consider the people that speak English as their first language AND contribute regular reviews and opinions to this site tend to spell badly and do it without humor. -
Feb 21, 2012 2:39:29 PM CST
I bet there is tons of gold that has been erased from this talkback due to bannings
by jackslater4
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What's up with everyone raging on this guy? Are you mad that when you write a coherent, well thought out article or opinion to Harry he doesn't post it yet he'll post the ravings of a madman instead? All these people saying shit like, "Oh, now I know why I don't come to this site anymore," need to pull the stick out of their ass. This shit is funny here. If you don't see that than you need to check your pulse and make sure you're not dead.
Some of you just seem so dull and boring when you say stuff like, "Worst review ever!" What makes this funny is this guy is so wrong about everything that it's hilarious. He gets Mel Gibson confused with another actor, he uses curse words in an improper context, and his analogies are absurd. This guy is clearly a foreign idiot and the fact that some of you don't get it makes me wonder if you're dumber than he is. -
You mean Michael Ironside p'raps?
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Feb 21, 2012 3:00:45 PM CST
I finally remember one of my erased comments about this review
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 3:04:40 PM CST
Something about using Skwisgaar Skwigelf voice from Metalocalypse as I read it
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 3:14:46 PM CST
and when I read asimovlives comments I use the same voice
by jackslater4
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why not feature an article about the struggle to bring "solomon kane" to a u.s. market? an interview with the creators or other insiders about the distribution (THE VERY PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE ACCESS TO!) would have been a much more informative & entertaining read than what was presented.
in fact, i'm not quite sure what that was. if it was a look into the crackpot emails that you probably receive on a second-by-second basis, than victory is yours. if not, it showcases how out of touch the editorial staff is with what your readers want (informative *insider* information & reviews).
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Feb 21, 2012 4:07:37 PM CST
James Purefoy as Solomon Kane is the ultimate movie Badassmotherfucker
by baronweazle
I can't believe it still hasn't been released in the states! I saw it years ago. It is definitely a B-movie, but one made with the best intentions. They could have used a bigger budget, but as I said before Purefoy fucking owns the film! After this Rome and Ironclad I don't know why he isn't a bigger star. Also it features one of the last performances by Pete Postlethwaite. Who is also excellent, as he always was.
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Come on motherfucker make us proud!!! You can make a thousand posts within 24 hours, I know you can!
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Once it pulls you in, it never lets you go.
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He needs to find another website to try his material on.
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Feb 21, 2012 4:26:15 PM CST
all the talent at McFarlane toys is being wasted on sports figures
by jackslater4
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It may be a little hit and miss. But I think he has great potential!!
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Feb 21, 2012 4:28:46 PM CST
Then I'll go do my part to help with this nations economic recovery
by jackslater4
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I don't care what's wrong with it! It's simply awesome, if only because Mel Gibson wasn't involved with it. Not saying the Gibson doesn't make awesome (Apocolypto) or fun movies (Passion of the Christ), he's just such a redneck, I'd rather he wasn't involved with anything I really like.
Be that as it may, if you don't like Solomon Kane, you probably are either a whiney hater bitch or else a Satanist sorcerer looking for world domination. If you are the former, you need to get someone (preferably someone who hates you) to board up your own house or reantal property from the outside so that you starve to death. If you are the latter, you need to go and abduct Rachel Evan Wood so that Solomon Kane will come and slice you up into a blood shower, and escort Ms Wood back to the loving arms of the Queen of the Borg. -
Feb 21, 2012 5:04:37 PM CST
Holy shit! They made a lego star wars advent calendar with a lego sant yoda
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 5:07:41 PM CST
they have ninjago in stock but they're $5 less at walmart
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 5:10:34 PM CST
One way ticket to scenic Banhammerville, coming up!
by banned_of_brothers
Harry gets butthurts when you do stuff like this, because it brings attention to his shitty tastes in things like movies.
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Feb 21, 2012 5:16:38 PM CST
why would I get banned for renewing interest in solomon kane
by jackslater4
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Feb 21, 2012 5:17:24 PM CST
and brining attention to the fact that I still haven't had a u s release of any kind yet
by jackslater4
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It's sad there still isn't an official North American release, all these years later.
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Tried too hard. C for effort.
It's hard to fake the fucked-up English, son. Try again! -
Brian Cox On Battling Quantum Woo:
"I recently gave a lecture, screened on the BBC, about quantum theory, in which I pointed out that “everything is connected to everything else”. This is literally true if quantum theory as currently understood is not augmented by new physics. This means that the subatomic constituents of your body are constantly shifting, albeit absolutely imperceptibly, in response to events happening an arbitrarily large distance away; for the sake of argument, let’s say on the other side of the Universe. -
Feb 21, 2012 9:30:46 PM CST
Harry please stop posting the ramblings of these 14 year olds.
by ttringle
I hate that he tries so hard to make it seem like he has no clue about the english language. But it's painfully obvious that this was crafted so that you would jump all over it and post it on the site.
I absolutely hate it when you dumb this site down even more than the talkbacks already do.
Please stop!! -
Feb 21, 2012 10:39:49 PM CST
Fucking hell! So, this is what it takes to bring back stalwart Talkbackers like Ebonic_Plague and Hairy Nutsack?!
by mr. nice gaius
Sweet!!!
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I was laughing my ass off the whole way through. AICN needs more of these.
5/5 -
Did you really think this was written by someone who learned English as a second language?
Did you really think this was an offence to the notion of a "legitimate AICN review" ?
Did you really think this guy fooled Harry into thinking that he was some loveable foul mouthed east european fan boy?
Did you really not find this review to be all kinds of awesome?
I don't know what bothers me more -- that you are all outraged, or that I have to explain the fucking joke.
Seriously, untwist your panties and fuck off to another site. Jesus. -
Often seem to live on a spectrum, with vocal haters on one end, and the devout on the other.
Odd how people don't read this "review" in the humour it was intended.
It's funny, it's by someone who was very taken with Solomon Kane and isn't afraid to use every word he knows, and certain words quite a bit and in an odd context.
In fact MC D-Ltye is probably gotten to do what many posters have failed to do, and that is get real recognition from AICN of their musings on a film.
Little bit of the green-eyed monster methinks!
But Solomon Kane is a lot of fun, well worth seeing and was sadly overlooked here in Ireland as well as elsewhere, despite, indeed, kicking ass.
It's not Citizen Kane people, It's Solomon Kane!
Haters, it seems, gotta hate.
If they hate Harry and Capone, why don't they just shut the frak up and go elsewhere?
Or maybe it's because they reckon that the likes of the folk who write and run this site read every talkback and therefore they are in with a chance of there bilious ramblings being read by one of them??
Haters, as I said, gotta hate. -
Feb 22, 2012 2:37:18 AM CST
hahaha, only now do I realise this article is actually years old!
by baronweazle
But it hasn't lost any of it's relevance. Good job Jackslater4!
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Did this movie ever get a USA release? Saw it two years ago, and own the Blu ray, and it's definitely one of the better REH adaptations. Purefoy is awesome in the role of Kane.
The makers talked of at least 2 sequels... but don't know how lilkely that will be now. -
Solomon Kane is better than most sci-fi/action coming out these days.
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it really is the best fantasy-action-period piece in a long time
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Born on a Monday.....
Christened on a... -
i'm downloading HD copy right now
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Feb 22, 2012 10:15:45 AM CST
I agree that Harry wrote this review himself when he was high
by darth_meh
probably with the help of Massaworm and Nordling and a bottle of whiskey and lots of grass.
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....but this review is the funniest thing I've read in a long time!
Favourite line 'I have been reading your fucking sweet web site for years and years but my English was never very good to write to you. But now I have learned to write it and want to give this to you...'
Good effort my friend! Good effort indeed!
I also love the way he calls Harry 'Mr.Knowles'! -
I got through about 45 minutes of this crap-fest before turning it off and deleting the file from my server last year. It's direct-to-video-quality garbage, with no discernible relation to the source materiel beyond the title. Solomon Kane, the devout, aesthetic Puritan avenger is changed into a guilt-ridden pirate-cum-aristocrat. Robert E. Howard wouldn't even bother wiping his ass with the script, it's so hackneyed and predictable.
Trust me, if you haven't seen it, you haven't missed anything. -
..and am looking forward to the sequel. For real!
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