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Lest we forget... SOLOMON KANE kicks ass!

Published at: March 2, 2010, 5:28 p.m. CST

Hey folks, Harry here with another reader that has discovered the absolute joy of SOLOMON KANE, which has yet to grace a theatrical release in the United States, despite being utterly badass. Here's a look from a reader called MC D-LYTE:

Hello Mister Knowles, I have been reading your fucking sweet web site for years and years but my English was never very good to write to you. But now I have learned to write it and want to give this to you because I live in Minsk, Belarus and I saw Solomon fucking Kane and when I check to see that it made mroe money than Avatar movie I see that is not even in the USA. What the fucking shit ball fuck shit? So I think maybe God is having me write this to give to you so that you can make it explode in America because it is the very best movie I have ever seen in a long time and other people should see it as well. Thank you and if you use it please call me MC D-Lyte SOLOMON FUCKING KANE DRAGS MY BALLS TO HELL!!!!!! Solomon Fucking Kane is Mel Gibsons new movie that is basicly Braveheart with demons. I dont think I have to write another thing else or that you even have to see it now because that basicly means the 2010 Best Pictures contest is over. OVER!!! Mel Gibsons must feels very bad about making English peoples look so bad in ass fuck awesome Braveheart because in this movie William Wallace is now English and not Scotch and his name is Solomon Fucking Kane. This movie is very much a autobiography for Mel Gibsons because in the beginning his ship gets stopped for drunk driving and he gets out is like "All the Jews started all the wars!!!" and then says "I run Malibu England!!!" and takes out two swords because all the times Mel Gibsons watches Braveheart he says "fuck my cock why dont I have two swords instead of one like a loose pussy of my x wife?" and then Solomon storms the castle and you can tell the guards have been seeing Braveheart because they stop to shit there pants when they see him and then he sticks his swords in there throats and makes them dance like puppets. There are about a hundred guards and this is very sweet like when they storm the castle at Lord of the Ring 2 Towers excpet if Eastern Promises had been by himself instead of the gay and the dwarf there as well and he had to get in the castle to fuck Maria Bello in Historys of Violence. Then the castle turns into the Pan Labrynth movie and Mel Gibsons tells his men to shut the fuck up bitches or theyll wake the demon with the eyeballs on his hands but its too late and they wake him up and his whole family and they get FUCKED UP! Solomon is like "sweet, more gold for me" but then there is the Drag Me To Hell monster from Paranormal Activity and he say he is going to drag Mel Gibsons to hell because he sold his soul to the devil, and Mel Gibsons is like "I am sorry for Leathal Weapon 4 and Man Without a Face, but Im Catholic and made Road Warrior movies so I cant go to hell", but the demon is like "your not going to hell for that, is for What Women Want" and everyone is like "oh shit hes right", but then Solomon tells him to tell Satan to suck his dick and play with his balls and he jumps out a window. That is the first 5 minutes and already you have cum like 20 times in your pants and need to wash and Mel Gibsons knows this so he puts in the credits for you to go to the toilet next and then he has Solomon acting like a scared bitch about going to hell and he lives with a priests, but the priests is like "listen Solomon you have to leave because everyone is back from the bathroom to clean up the cum in there pants and they are paying good moneys to see you slice people open with your swords". But Solomon says "if I slice people open with my swords and take a blood shower in there blood then I will go to hell" and the priests says that he talks to God and God says that blood showers make God very happy and he will go to heaven instead. So Solomon is like sweet because slicing people open with my swords and taking blood showers is the thing I am best at and makes me so happy. And God wants him to be happy.... very happy. And so then God must wantme to be happy too because the thing at which I am best is watching Mel Gibsons slice people open with swords and take showers in there blood. This movie will make a lot of people want to become Catholics because it is also very much like Passion of a Christ except if Jesus was the one torturing the shit of people for two hours and also if Jesus was dressed in the costume from Eli Roths Thanksgiving movie. So church will be packed next Sunday because boners! I will not write very much else because they try to have a story for all the Academy Award voters and I dont want to expose it for anyone who maybe cares (bitch asses). There is so much sweet shit that I have not said that my brain is getting a boner so hard right now that it is going to brake threw the back of my mouth and make me blow it when I think of it all. This movie obvusly costs a billion dollars to make because Mel Gibsons did crazy as usual reasearch and was like "I wonder how many hacks with a sword it really takes to chop off someones head" so they bought a million pigs and chopped off there heads with swords and they were like "it takes four chops", but for Solomon it takes three because fuck you hes Solomon Fucking Kane!!!

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