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Dr Fu Manchu tortures THE BACHELOR
Hey folks, Harry here with... well... a legend in the ranks of evil doers. A fiendish foul foe from far east. He seems as if he wishes to prove his mettle vs the dear old man, Moriarty. Well, only time will tell if the dear Dr can pass the mustard. Of course it'll be very very hot and won't go with bologna. Shucks. Well here he is with a review of Chris O'Donnell's latest... film, a remake of a classic Buster Keaton comedy of old.
There is a wrong being shamelessly spread by your deceitful website. This is that Moriarty is THE evil genius of the world. Ha! What knows that foul Englishman of evil. His plans were all nimbly halted dead in their tracks by the attempts of that dullard, Holmes. Now Nayland Smith was a worthy adversary till my daughter strung him out on my special blossoms. Moriarty has no progeny, he's an impotent dried up seed of a man. I, Dr Fu Manchu, am the only true evil genius in this land of ours. To prove it I will deftly take to task young boy wonder in his latest blunder.
That is right, I saw a screening the other night of a film not opening till Nov. 5th,
it's "The Bachelor". New Line Cinema is releasing this film which is a
remake of Buster Keaton's "Seven Chances" (1925). The plot:
Jimmie Shannon (chris o'donnell) is a young spry man who meets a
beautiful girl, Anne (renee zellweger) at a coffee shop. He, in numerous
scenes wines, dines, romances and takes her on a rollercoaster ride
through alot of annoying narration. He then decides to pop the magical
question to her 'would you marry me'?
Anne who complains to her friend Llana (mariah carey) about the bad side
of Jimmie, says no.
She feels that he's not ready to commit to marriage, she doesn't see it
in his eyes.
After Jimmie constantly goes after her to prove his love he finally
quits. He then seeks advice from his grandfather (peter ustinov), who
uses a bullhorn to shout commands to his family. He tells him to go for
what your heart tells you. Jimmie decides he'll go after her. The next
day his grandfather dies and leaves a videotaped will for all to hear.
When the relatives gather he tells everyone that he will leave $100
Million dollars to Jimmie providing that he get married before 6:05pm
the following day (it marks the day Jimmie was born). If he does not
he'll lose the money and his Billiard company will go down the toilet.
Jimmie goes after Anne, but decides not to take his best friend's
advice (artie lange) Marco, and tell her the truth about why he really
wants to marry her (i.e. $100 million). Anne doesn't see it in his eyes
and tells him no again, then she takes off in a helicopter on a business
trip.
Jimmie has less than 24 hours to find a woman to marry so his buddy
Marco puts an ad in the newspaper and now every women in the whole city
of San Francisco wants him.
The problem with this film is that it's not funny.
O'Donnell, who also produced this film (a bad sign), prances around
spewing his dialogue as if it was suppose to be knockdown laughs. The
characters are uninteresting, James Cromwell plays a priest who runs
around trying to find Jimmie to he can marry them, that's cute. Ed Asner
plays Sid who co-owns the company and Brooke Shields is Jimmie's old
girlfriend, both are very draggy characters who bore you rather than
give interesting performances.
Both O'Donnell and Zellweger had no chemistry together. She hated him so
much it's hard to believe the ending to the film. There's no way these
two would last one night after marriage.
You've also seen this story done to death, considering it's so close
to "Brewster's Millions" & "Easy Money'.
I also don't trust remakes of old classics. The script is lame and
poorly written by a 2nd Unit Grip on 'Arlington Road', Steve Cohen. The
original film was directed by and starring Buster Keaton in 1925 "Seven
Chances" (available on video). Now I ran out and rented that and it was
funny.
It was directed by Gary Sinyor, who brought us the small unseen "Stiff
Upper Lips". The narration by O'Donnell's character is pretty annoying
as well as the slow paced running time of 110 minutes. The trouble is
that New Line needs another hit badly due to several failures (Detroit
Rock City, Astronaut's Wife and Drop Dead Gorgeous). This may very well
be their next. The tagline reads:
"Would You Marry This Man For $100 Million Dollars"?
It should read:
"Would You Pay $8.50 To Sit Through This Film"?
Now it's time to re-enter my torture chamber. There's a young morsel with blonde hair that my lovely daughter, Fah Lo See, is running razor sharp metal tendrils over. Soon she will tell us the secret hiding place of the 3 draft version of The Lord Of The Rings script. Soon my friend.
Dr. Fu Manchu
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Bernard Quatermass here, just back from examining those spores in Poet's Corner. Once they've been released, I believe they mean the end of life on Earth for all!
Ah, London in the late summer!
Well, I've heard of the good Doctor from the East. Stories told by Sir Dennis and that Doctor ... Doctor ... Petrie, that's it! Doctor Petrie ...
You sound like a rather nasty character, Dr. Fu-Manchu! So why would you EVER pay to see a film with Chris O'Donnell? Why not merely screen it in your private lair in Limehouse?
Silly evil genius! Back to work! Quatermass out! -
a remake of Keaton's "Seven Chances", and people are surprised that it sucks?!?!?!? Chris O'Donnell, Brooke Shields, Mariah Carey...MARIAH CAREY!!! A cast like that, I'm surprised Patrick Dempsey wasn't available. Shame on you, Sir Peter, you should know better than this. P. Freakin' U.
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...but Master of the English language you are not. Learn to write, my friend, and we'll talk then. Good-day to you, sir!
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Rest assured, Dr. Fu Manchu, neither you NOR Moriarty shall have the cavorite! My associates and I shall pursue you to the end to see that you do not accomplish your fiendish goals! Respectfully yours, Sir A. Quatermain, Esq.
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You are not the perfect evil genius you claim to be. You have just as many faults and shortcomings as our dear Moriarty. ***About the movie...just rent the original and see the true genius of Buster Keaton.
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THE BACHELOR doesn't sound too great. Chris O'Donnell hasn't done a lot of good work, (see BATMAN&ROBIN or MAD LOVE) and this sounds just as bad. But there is no way anyone can put down BREWSTER'S MILLIONS. Sure it's not CASABLANCA, but you know in your heart that when it's on TBS at 2:30 AM on a Friday, you watch. Oh yes, you watch.
"NONE OF THE ABOVE!" -
...just write the fucking review and enough with bashing Moriarty. You're like the 1976 King Kong to his 1933 version.
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I'll tell you, I just saw her on an MTV documentary and she really increased her breast size. It kinda takes away from her appearance, but hey, I guess we're all doing it. I myself, being male, did it the old fashioned way: I gained 30 lbs.
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who gives a fuck about this piece of drivel. chris o should be banned from making cutesie romantic movies. in fact, everyone should. they are an eyesore in an already floundereing industry. new plot - Chris O'Donnell scours the countryside seeking Renee Zellweger, who's busy humping Tom Cruise. He tracks her down, catches her in action w' Cruise, and flips out. Chow Yun Fat climbs off Jodie Foster, pulls out two .45's, and blows him and Zellweger to bits.
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