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Capone takes a bullet so you don't have to with his review of the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL!!!
Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
There are some movies that I really dislike. It happens. The law of averages is pretty clear on this. I see in the neighborhood of 450 new movies per year (I'm not talking about old movies I might watch at home on DVD), and there are bound to be a sizable percentage of those works that I simply don't like. And then there are films like the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL. I'm not even going to point fingers at the large number of absolute douche-bags who took their douchey kids to see the first ALVIN & THE CHIPMUNKS movie. You do what you can for your kids; I get that. But if the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL does even a fraction of the business the first movie did, caps will be peeled. Remember that when your kids comes crying to you to buy him or her a ticket.
First off, explain this bit of logic to me. Why have the makers of the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL hired some solid comic actors as Justin Long, Amy Poehler, Anna Faris, and Christina Applegate to do the digitally altered voices of chipmunks? Why? You can't tell who is doing the voices; you can't even tell if it's a man or a woman doing the voice of any given chipmunk. For all I know, the makers of the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL hired an army of she-males to play the rodents. When you totally obliterate the voice of the actor you've hired to play an animated character, any nuances that might enhance the comedy are lost. Dummies!
Next question, what the hell was Jason Lee (who played Dave Seville in the first film) doing that was so important that he couldn't be in the entire motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL? Seriously, the guy shows up in the beginning, gets in an accident in France, and then vanishes again until the end of the movie. Instead, we get Dave's slacker nephew Toby ("Chuck's" Zach Levi), who is forced to take care of the chipmunks and send them to high school while Dave is recuperating. I'm sorry, was Jason Lee too busy preparing commentaries for the final season DVDs of "My Name Is Earl" to be a part of the entire movie, or was he just too embarrassed to be seen in the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL?
Next question, why are the high school jocks so threatened by the chipmunks? Are they worried the 'munks will bang their girlfriends with their tiny equipment? Just because the girls at their high school are taken with the cute little chipmunks doesn't explain why the guys in the letter jackets get so jealous. Is the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL really a film about inter-species copulation? That would certainly explain a lot, especially the smell.
Any why, God, why did a comic talent like David Cross come back to play the Chipmunks original evil manager Ian? Dude, I know the life of a stand-up comic might not pay a whole lot, but for fuck's sake, man, what are you doing? Who has the photos, and what are you doing in them that makes you have to be so ashamed of them? But few have fallen from higher heights than former Second City alum, director Betty Thomas, who brought us THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIES, HBO's "The Late Shift," and Howard Stern's PRIVATE PARTS. Granted, she also helmed 28 DAYS, DOCTOR DOLITTLE, and I SPY, but none of those compare to the pain inflicted on an audience by motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL. This woman used to know something about comedy. Now, apparently, she's been hired to direct films used to torture prisoners of war.
I'm not sure what hurt my soul more: the obvious lack of interest in the material that everyone in the movie is showing, the terrible song choices ("We Are Family"? For reals?), the primitive CGI chipmunks, the fact that it took three people to write this shit. Take your pick, smother it in bat feces, and eat it. In case you need it spelled out, the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL can bite my nuts three at a time.
-- Capone
therealcapone@aintitcoolmail.com
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thanks for the review
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that's what I get from this review. How 'bout you?
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is antisemitic.
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1)Can't understand the waste of money for hiring celebs when you can't even tell who they are! The kids could care less about celebs voices as the "Chipmunks" are the main stars!2)excluding Dave is kinda BULLSHIT, even for a kid's film! Dude a central character!3) All this is moot beause this shit is going to make tons of cash, so Capone I hope your aim is on target!
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Did you understand that part, because it was so random, with no fuckin' setup that I was lost and I couldn't stop laughing about it, I was crying. First my family makes me miss Fantastic Mr. Fox to see The Blind Side on Thanksgiving, now I had to skip Avatar and Sherlock Holmes for this Chipmunk bullshit.
We sacrifice much for our families... -
sacrifice your family to a volcano.
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Dec 25, 2009 12:38:08 PM CST
I'm already hard at work writing the third movie in this trilogy
by qjinx
But I cant decide if I want the title to be
"Good Squirell Hunting"
or
"Chipmunks 3: There Will Be Blood"
but I am positive that no guns will be used in my film...only knives. I want it to be slow, and painful. I want to enjoy every last dying squeak of those motherfuckers. I thought they were annoying even as an 8 year old in 1986 -
First of all, I agree the first film and more than likely the second film (have not seen it yet)are crap. But the fact of the matter is, these films aren't made to please an adult audience. They are made to capture our young childrens attentions. And young kids love the films. Even my 18 month old loves to watch the first one....which brings me to the purpose of my post. Capone is a complete jackass for calling the children who love it "douches." I don't give a damn if you trash a film you don't like. That's your job. But the second you start calling my and other peoples kids douches, you've crossed a line. Frankly, if you were here right now, I'd cram my fist so far down your throat you'd suffocate. You just made my "piece of shit" list and any further review that your nerdy ass composes will be boycotted by me. Merry Christmas dickhead.
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Dec 25, 2009 12:38:43 PM CST
Suck on it haters! I loved the first movie!
by hey_kobe_tell_me_how_my_ass_tastes
When they got down to funyk town it was the sniizzle! And that dance track they laid down with the female dancers in the background was jammin!
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... you see it. If you're not going to take the time and expense to see it, you can't fairly criticize it.
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Don't call kids douches for liking shitty movies. Hey, I bet some of you "douchey" 30 to 40 year olds loved Howard the Duck / Master of the Universe and more! All of which were extremely shitty movies.
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I actually find anything the chipmunks sing to be inexplicably irresistably infectiously intocicatingly inconceivably... fun. I never grew out of the funny voices phase. Kill me.
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true story. Check the Wednesday dailies on box office mojo.
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You mean it is making a little more on the opening day than what Avatar is making after a week of playing?
And with about 200 theaters more, and with cheaper tickets so more people can afford to watch it?
Hey! Why not compare it to Titanic then?
It is killing Titanic at the box office.
At the moment. -
I'll give everyone that worked on this the benefit of the doubt. I know someone that's worked with the people who own Alvin and the Chipmunks, and they are apparently psychotic. I imagine that whatever name is involved didnt have a whole lot of control.
And Mavic19, maybe the kids should be called douches, but have you ever seen a Pixar movie? Kids dont have to be entertained by stupidity. But when parents keep feeding it to them, it does nothing to force studios to release GOOD films for children. -
*maybe the kids shouldn't be called douches...
typo. -
I can't beilieve you took the job to see this without a fight.......I would quit lol
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Dec 25, 2009 2:58:34 PM CST
So Capone should quit because he seen a kid's film?
by hollywoodhellraiser
Please there a plenty of bad movies out there with big-name stars thats alot worse or come close!Who knows, maybe Iron Man2 will be terrible?
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'nuff said. And Cross can do whatever he wants - he doesn't appear in public saying this is anything more than a payday. You know, Robert "Hack" Rodriguez makes the WORST kids films EVER, but you wouldn't know from this site.
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Kids will love it and it will be number # at the box office this weekend!
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Boners a popping, semen on the keyboard.
Nuff' said. -
I think this is the best review that Capone has ever made.Who allows these films to be made anyway... Merry Christmas ya filthy animals.
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...at the box office. You're insane!! INSANE'S I TELLS YOU!!! I want AVATAR to dominate the box office, but I think (certain) that SHERLOCK HOLMES is going to be number #1.
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Alvin doesn't need Dave. Have him die horribly.
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When you have a 4 year old you'll value a movie like this even if it's a piece of shit.
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Who cares.
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whose with me?
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Dave is really dead and the chipmunks are apart of his death/heaven fantasy.
sorry to spoil the ending -
Chipmunks are cute. Singing chipmunks that wear little sweaters with their initials on them are cuter. And them making time with their chipmunk girlfriends are cutest of all.
"Douchey" or not, kids like 'em, same as guinea pigs acting as secret agents. Not everything can have Pixar adult/kid crossover appeal.
And trust me, you don't appreciate these films until you throw them on the DVD after a long day to shut the little urchins up and keep 'em from fucking around and getting on your nerves. Don't have that problem myself, but even for a guy like me, they're a great distraction for the brats while I'm making time with their MILF. -
FLOCKA!!!
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I remember being about 8 or 9 and laughing my fucking ass off watching "Hawmps," a movie most of you probably have never even heard of because it was so incredibly awful and moronic. Thankfully, my taste in movies improved as I got older. I'd hate to be dismissed as a "douche" now for the lame crap I watched as a kid. And it's worth pointing out that many of the old cult flicks we geeks revere are, by any serious artistic standard, cheesy, incompetent shit. People in vinegar & water houses shouldn't throw douche!
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and the C U N T that shit him out.
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Dec 25, 2009 9:05:36 PM CST
Bad words NEVER make the story titles on the home page.
by jimbojones123
The movie is not bad. This was clearly a transition movie that is trying to respect the audience and not just bring in new leads out of nowhere. Very smart idea for a franchise that plans on being around for at least 3-5 more films. Capone, shame on you, your high horse, and your unnecessary treatment of this film on the front page. The only reason to do this is to turn parents away from this film to sabatoge it. Not cool at all. Especially since the target audience is totally nailed by the movie. Lots of laughs. A little bit dumbed down, but there are plenty of little legs to keep this one going.
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C'mon Capone, stop sugar coating it.
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You know, it's a characteristic of a mentally underdeveloped person with the same High School attitude about things they don't like that produces such narrow minded, pompous, pseudo-intellectual drivel that you pile on when there's something like the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie which wasn't made for you and is clearly above your mental capacities to understand or appreciate. It's a fine movie for what it is - a family movie for parents to take their kids to go see and enjoy together. Is the movie intellectually challenging? NO. Is the movie about apartheid and racism like Invictus or District 9? NO. Is the movie about the abuses of the white man over the less developed people with large heapings of White Guilt like Avatar? NO. It's a kids movie and apparently a snide snark attractant for idiots who think they are intellectually superior and have a pathological need to show their imagined superiority by belittling a kids movie. Smooth. Classy. But then what else would I expect from the likes of you?
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How was this ever going to be anything other than a massive pile of shit? Being a kids movie doesn't give it a pass. Up was a kids movie too.
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that being said, my down-syndrome afflicted 11-yr old nephew didn't like the first one. So i guess that means my retarded nephew is less retarded than a lot of normal kids.
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"the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL" over and over and over and over . . . just fuck right off. Massawyrm tears shit up properly, you just make yourself sound like a retard.
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He was busy attaining the next level in Scientology so he could finally learn all of the secrets of Xenu. That shit takes up a year of your life minimum.
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A shame.
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Kids DESERVE BETTER. In a year JAM-PACKED with quality family entertainment (Coraline, Up, Ponyo, Princess & The Frog, Fantastic Mr. Fox, ect.), there is NO EXCUSE for parents to subject their kids and themselves to this GARBAGE. Yeah, there's a lot of shit I loved on TV as a kid which is horribly disappointing and awful seen from an adult perspective today (ever try watching an 80's G.I. Joe or Transformers cartoon nowadays? Terrible), but that should mean parents shouldn't subject their kids to the same future disappointment just so they can have 90 minutes' worth of peace & quiet. Today's five-year-old watching Alvin & The Chipmunks and happily shreiking "Munk Yourself!" or "Poop in his hand, poop in his hand...!" is tomorrow's Twittering fifteen-year-old talking through your showing of Avatar 3 and flashing their cell phone screens in your face for 2 1/2 hours while complaining how "lame" the movie is. Children deserve quality, non-condescending entertainment as much as adults.
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Dec 25, 2009 10:26:45 PM CST
And, yes, I bought the G-Force DVD for my nieces and nephews
by nasty in the pasty
I feel REALLY fucking guilty about it.
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The man watched Bratz, really, could this be worse?
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in calling it the "motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL"
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my kids liked the first and want to see this one. Oh and i dare you to bring your caps to me poser!
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And I don't have kids. I don't see the big deal, here. If you don't like something, it doesn't mean it's stupid. OK, it might mean it's stupid, but some us like stupid stuff. I still enjoy GoBots - don't ask me why. I work at a theater, and I gotta tells ya, the 'munks might hit #1. Every showing at our theater sold out since yesterday. But so has Avatar and Holmes. Been a busy week at the movies. And if you can't tell who did the voices of the chipette's why do YOU give a sweet petootie who did the voices or didn't do the voices? Is it really that much of a hot button not being able to pick out those dulcet inflections as only Anna Farris can deliver? And also, calling kids douches: bad form. I agree with others here. I liked a lot of stupid stuff as a kid (Superman IV, I'll cop to it), and that doesn't make me a douche. Littering makes me a douche.
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And who ever Cameron's throwing a hump into is taking a beating for it. Jimmy boy is firing left right combos at her right now.
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Some of the ass holes above have proven a point. That some that post on TB's are here because they are pathetic and will defend ANYTHING. If the article is positive they will be negative. Like with Avatar: Good reviews nasty comments in TB. Then if the article is negative these guys fly in to defend whatever it is blindly. "It's for the kids" right that is what makes this so horrible. It rots the brains of our future! And those of you who are watching the box office(fuck heads) and somehow are cheering for this to do well you are either nine or a fucking idiot. Really you want this movie to do well? So eight more movies come out like it instead of ground breaking sci-fi? Some of you guys are fucking idiots please chop your balls off and do not procreate, if you already have... Take your kids to Alvin the Fucknuts 2 so their brains will melt.
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was the type of cartoon I watched only when there was nothing else on
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That's just stupid.
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Most of them are porn.
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I've been around since nearly the beginning (except when Drew banned me on numerous whims), but I'm not understanding what kind of people hang out in here these days. I've stopped reading most of the TB, as screeching isn't interesting, nor are the rants of tweeners. Lord Knows, I don't want to read endless articles about reviewers' children, but I do miss the old days of film/TV lovers having a good chat...
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I can't believe you took that much time to even write your review on the SQUEAKQUEL.
My review would have been:
It's crap.
-Tacoloft
That is time spent you will never get back. -
Great cast, looks like the worst film ever! Looks like it was made specificly for chavs who sit at the back of the bus, annoying felllow travellers by playing R&B, with speaded up chipmonk vocals, out loud on their poxy phones.
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The people bringing up box office don't know a damn thing about box office. There are websites filled with people that can tell you what the weekend will be within a few million. Boxofficemojo, for example. Alvin isn't even in the top 2. Avatar is killing, gonna end up in the mid 70's, pretty much where it was last weekend. It's gonna have made it's budget back by 2010. Ridiculous and amazing. Sherlock is also doing well, gonna have a mid 60's opening on the way to mid 150, easily doubling it's small budget in the US alone, so we'll see another of those, and Alvin isn't doing bad either, just not as good as those. You'll probably get Alvin 3. It's certainly mopping the floor with Disney's 2D thing.
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Thank God that at four years old he has better taste in movies. I'll go out on a limb and say that I don't think Capone watched it either. Any of his review I could have pulled together from the trailer. Typing the word Squeakquel over and over again kind of makes you the fucking doucher. Think about it.
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A good case for solid 2D animation, it was a real treat. I was young enough I think I even sat through a couple of episodes of the TV show, but I've always been a slut for animation. These live action movies though, I'm just not that interested. Funny review, though I doubt I'd care enough to be this angry with it even if I didn't like it. The opposite of love is apathy, not hate.
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hollywood works off of stupidity which is why we get stupid fucking shit like this and with this generation of kids being the most retarded in all of history, this flick will make money.
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Or at least there should be. I can't possibly be the only parent who doesn't cave in when their kids ask to see something that looks this dreadful. Its not going to kill your kids if you say "no" and its actually probably good for them. Find an alternative, either at the theatre or a rental and still have your family movie time but with quality films.
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Great. Now I'll probably just go see Avatar instead.
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automatically makes you a bigger a douche than anyone going to see the Munks with their kids. Here's an update...you aren't a stand up comedian you are a movie reviewer I would suggest trying to do one thing well rather than trying to do 2 things half arse.
On another note... the point about "why hire named actors for unrecognizeable voices" is that it is a waste of money to do so. Should have saved that money to throw at Jason Lee to try and get him in the movie more. -
So true.....What kind of a pompous windbag piles on a kids movie attempting to dissect voice over quality of talent. I do believe that Hugo Weaving was cast in a little movie called 'Transformers' and then had his voice run through a scrambler in the final product. Capone must be real bored to be invested this heavily.
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I just want to reiterate my point that i do believe both films are crap and am not in any way defending them. My point is that you dont call peoples children "douchey". The fact my 18 month old loves the dvd of the first one has nothing to do with her ability to deconstruct and analyze a film as to whether its good or bad. Why? Because she's 18 months old and just likes the talking animals with funny voices! My ten year old, on the other hand, does know the difference between a crap film and a decent one. I also agree that there are crappy vs great childrens movies and neglecting quality for the sake of making a buck is no excuse. We dont need Land Before Times 2-43, etc. My argument is Capone, as a (ahem) "professional" reviewer, needs to direct his focus on he film and the people involved with producing the film and bash them for their lack of creativity and not little children. Will i be taking my child to theater to see this film? Hell no. Not gonna waste $18 to go watch it. Will i waste a $1 at a Redbox? Probably. Oh and Capone, if you're so outraged with how craptastic the film was, take a minute to check out how lousy Saturday morning cartoons have become. Garbage in, garbage out.
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I just want to reiterate my point that i do believe both films are crap and am not in any way defending them. My point is that you dont call peoples children "douchey". The fact my 18 month old loves the dvd of the first one has nothing to do with her ability to deconstruct and analyze a film as to whether its good or bad. Why? Because she's 18 months old and just likes the talking animals with funny voices! My ten year old, on the other hand, does know the difference between a crap film and a decent one. I also agree that there are crappy vs great childrens movies and neglecting quality for the sake of making a buck is no excuse. We dont need Land Before Times 2-43, etc. My argument is Capone, as a (ahem) "professional" reviewer, needs to direct his focus on he film and the people involved with producing the film and bash them for their lack of creativity and not little children. Will i be taking my child to theater to see this film? Hell no. Not gonna waste $18 to go watch it. Will i waste a $1 at a Redbox? Probably. Oh and Capone, if you're so outraged with how craptastic the film was, take a minute to check out how lousy Saturday morning cartoons have become. Garbage in, garbage out.
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Sorry about the double post. Stupid iPhone wigged out. Superior technology my ass.
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Maybe the chipmunks are a metaphor for the geeks among us who generally get squashed by society but then miraculously become the heroes and that's why all the high-school girls get all wet twixt their nethers and the jocks are all jealous. But then again, this isn't Kubrik's work either.
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because he's bored. In his book he says he rarely reads scripts and if it's something that will give him something to do he'll do it.
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Dec 26, 2009 10:07:42 AM CST
Movies like this should list the actor's salaries during the cre
by wickedjester
Dave - Jason Lee - $1,500,000 (more than all seasons of Earl combined)
Alvin - Justin Long - $1,250,000 (that's a lot of Mac commercials -- hey dating Drew isn't cheap)
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I'm glad my kids are far too old to be interested in a movie such as this. But, if they were of the target audience age, I would take them. Its not because I'm a douche, its because I understand that this kind of a movie serves as a primer for them. We dont start reading "A Tale of Two Cities" when we first begin to read, we have to work our way up to it. So, Capone, be grateful that there are movies that will get a preschooler into the theater because it sets them up for a lifetime love of cinema. Otherwise, you'd never get the chance to pretend like you are somebody. And, like some of the other TBers have pointed out, calling a kid a douche is a good way to incite trouble you really dont want. Hopefully you were just drunk when you typed that becaue I'd hate to think that is how you really think.
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...Jason Lee. You bitch about others evedn being in the movie and then bitch about jason Lee not being in it more? Probably one of those things where he was contracted to be in a sequel but didn't want to make it so they just shot a cameo so they could put it in a trailer. And before you bitch, I bet you'd take the money he made to lay in a hospital bed. I mean, look at the shit Harry's been in.
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A kids movie is one whose primary audience is children too young to travel to and from a movie theater by themselves. Therefore, when a critic reviews a kids movie his duty is to inform the parents whether or not: a) their kids will enjoy the film and b) the film is appropriate for their kids to watch. Hopefully there are not that many adults who need guidance from professionals to determine whether or not they should see a film titled "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel", based on its artistic merits. There are a notable minority of critics out there who understand genre specific reviewing, most of them however approach all movies from the same educated adult mindset and fail miserably at providing useful guidance for parents when reviewing kids movies. Here's one sign that a "professional" movie critic is far from: the word "motherfucking" appears 9 times in his review of a kids movie.
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The reason that the producers hired name actors to do the voices is so they can promote the film. I've seen a bunch of them on various talk shows in the past week.
Let me just say that it is an absolute travesty to see that this piece of crap has already outgrossed The Princess and the Frog. The failure of Ponyo and Frog at the box office has pretty much placed the final nail in the coffin for hand-drawn animation. Parents should be ashamed for taking their kids to see crap like this and G-Force instead of truly terrific family entertainment. -
to generate traffic as we sit here and rage about a movie made to appeal to kids under 11. Ask yourself...why do we care about this..and why are we talking about it? I can understand reviewing a movie like "Twilight" as sophomoric and silly as it is, as it appeals to the 12-21 demographic which do visit this site; and because it is a real movie made with the intention of entertaining adults. But the Squeakquel? Come on people...this is a marketing product not a movie...it is the video equivalent of a ceiling mobile...do we really need to critique it beyond saying.."It is safe to take you 8yr old to"?Look folks...I won't see it...you won't see it...kids over 12 are not really "kids" so they won't see it. This is like debating the merits of a fucking "Sit and Spin" as a educational toy. lets just move along.
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There are movies that are mostly really for children, yes, but they can also be enjoyed by adults. Take some of Disney's classics like Lion King or Pixar's... Ok, pretty much all Pixar films. They make these films for kids but also well-done enough for even adults to love them. But "children's movies" like this one are poorly written, with stupid jokes, and no heart whatsoever, and it can really only appeal to kids with a very small intelligence, as in, kid's that are like younger than 8 years old. If you're gonna make an animated movie, one shouldn't just focus on appealing to the kids, they should focus on appealing to the whole family, which films like this one seem to do just horribly and, like I said, no heart, unlike Pixar's films. Did you know The Incredibles is not only my favorite animated movie of all time but just one of my favorite movies overall?
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as to why the "jocks" would be so threatened by 3 talking, often bipedal chipmunks.Just think like a teenage girl..or Richard Gere. They are small...warm...don't require batteries...and can burrow deeper than any jock cock could. The only trouble I could see in a Girl/Chipmunk relation is trying to get the little fuckers out. Then again...unless Alvin likes Vinegar baths that should be a simple enough task I'd think.
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they make "Family" films. Big difference...and a lot harder task.
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I haven't seen the movie, but the trailer looks like garbage. And yes, I know the movie wasn't made for me. It was purportedly made for my children, and I find that notion insulting. The makers of the movie seem to be suggesting that my children are morons. They are suggesting the same thing about YOUR children, and you guys should find that far more offensive than Capone's "douchey kids" remark. I'm not saying that kids should be watching "The Godfather," but I am saying that we owe it to the little guys and gals to treat them to family entertainment of a higher quality. "Munk yourself"? Really? Is that in the movie? Riiiiiiight. I think I'll just show them "The Secret of NIMH" instead.
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Dec 26, 2009 12:42:42 PM CST
LoL Capone shall forever be haunted by his Squakquel Review!!
by killianx
That shall be his punishment!
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.... proved you don't have to make a shit ass movie for kids. Since when did shit ass quality become the norm for kids? And why defend them just because we enjoyed shit ass quality films when we were younger, too? It's time to break the cycle.
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If this movie is just for kids, thus we can't criticize it (Lame argument, BTW), why all the adult material?
I'll give you morons defending this POS the benefit of the doubt and assume you're plants. -
just like Sherlock did yesterday. Imagine what a real blockbuster like IM 2 would have done to Avatar? lol
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Because Jocks are stupid. Now go watch a grown up movie and leave the kiddie movies alone. I suppose DORA THE EXPLORER drives you crazy with rage also...
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They'd eat dog food if you let em, walk around all day with poopy pants; stick forks into electrical sockets; Pee in their own bath; Try to pet a mad dog; Think monsters are under their bed; Get scared by the witch in 'Wizard of Oz'; Have conversations with inanimate objects; Think farting is hilarious; Are afraid of little bugs; Will eat their own boogers; Carry your stupid DNA.
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Here's what the 3rd chipmunks movie should be: http://www.varmintvideos.com
"If you liked Exploding Varmints Part 1, you'll LOVE Part 2! Mr. Hunter is on a mission to exterminate varmints! As soon as he receives his mission instructions, say goodbye to Sammy the Squeak , Lenny Long Tailed Squirrel, and Rocky Rockchuck as they explode into hundreds of pieces! With our all new digital footage you will see more up close kills and tons of slow motion scenes! Watching all this shooting will make your shoulder hurt and your belly ache from laughing. Will he successfully complete this mission? Watch and see for yourself! " -
Or he didn't want to be a part of this one. He is in Kevin Smith's movie Cop Out. I'm going to guess he preferred to/was committed to work on that.
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Jason lee used to actually do good movies and showed promise as an actor? Chasing Amy, Almost Famous, Mumford...anyone? What the fuck happened?!?
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I read your interview all the way through...did you expect it to be cinematic genius? Did you even expect to be ENTERTAINED by it, being (I assume) a grown up? Did you not understand going into it that it was a movie for KIDS? I mean, I can understand being unhappy with wasting your time on it, but reading the vitriol in your review wasn't impressive, or scary, or even effective at conveying your dislike of the money...it read more like an adult with serious emotional problems when it comes to anger management that really need to be resolved with professional therapy. I seriously mean that. If you hate the movie even HALF as much as you suggest, KNOWING that it's a movie designed to keep kids occupied for an hour and a half, you need to get professional help, seriously. Jesus.
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I suggest you go watch some Looney Tunes cartoons as a refresher. Back when they were new, their humor was considered often times very adult oriented as well. With the advent of the internets and lax TV regulation, kids of this age are growing up a LOT faster than you think and pretty much understand all this already. Thus, your argument is worthless.
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Amazing all those kids watched them, hunh? Did you actually HAVE an argument there or are you just flailing to see which direction your arms will go in?
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Anybody heaping verbal venom onto a movie that's supposed to entertain kids and give a few really bad "inside jokes" to the poor adults the makers of the film know are stuck in the audience, for better or worse? LMAO...well, you really deserve your lot in life as far as your rationality is concerned...good God...
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AICN needs to review GOOBY next.
Airs Thur. Jan. 7 7:05AM on TMC
Check out the Gooby trailer on YouTube, looks like a real POS of "Squeakquel" caliber. -
Make your kids read a book!
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That looks weird. I haven't seen a trailer for it yet but I can guarantee you that it's nowhere close to the caliber of shit this Chipmunks movie will be.
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...they need to have licensed day care at movie theaters. You drop your kids off to see the motherfucking Squeakuel while you go have sex in the car... or lunch... or something... anything, really.
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...it's a "kids movie". That's an insult to kids, regardless of how much the may like the POS. If you make quality movies for kids it's been proven that not only will they like it, but they'll learn from it and remember those lessons for many years. Sometimes for life.
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I don't think there are any 6 year old frequenting this site ('cept AsimovLives of course)
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Couldn't have said better myself. Pixar's buisiness revolves around making movies "for kids" and you will never see their name on a piece of drek like this EVER. Because they think enough of their audience to make quality movies. Nothing they ever have or most likely will do will warrant a review like this. Kids these days are encouraged to have LOW expectations of entertainment and terrible taste. It's fucking sad and Capone was absolutely spot on with every word he wrote. Period.
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Dec 27, 2009 12:00:23 AM CST
We're the Chipmunks,coming on stronger than ever before!
by gibsonusa returns
Screw the haters!
The first one was great and this looks like more of the same (good).
Not every kid's movie needs to be all self-important like Up (which I liked).
I remember watching Mighty Mouse: The Great Space Chase when I was a kid and loving it. It was just randomness, but I loved it.
It's a bunch of "cute" chipmunks for teen girls and kids to go "awwww" at...and its not poorly made. It runs like an extended episode of the early 90s cartoon. Whats wrong with that? -
Dec 27, 2009 12:08:47 AM CST
What're you gonna bash next? Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century?
by gibsonusa returns
My sister loved that Disney Channel movie, but I can see that (like Chipmunks) as the type critics here will trash. Why?
These are movies for kids and young girls who will buy up the stuffed dolls.
Pick on someone your own size.
I don't really see movies like Up as "kid's movies"...they are more like "family movies" that happen to be animated...Up had an implied miscarriagee for crying out loud! That's a kid's movie??
The line blurrs, but imo there is the distinction between family movie (Swiss Family Robinson) and kid's movie (Ducktales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp). It's okay for a movie to steer into kidsville...it doesnt have to be about an old man moving on with his life (Up). It can be like Ducktales. -
that no one else pointed out that "Disney and Pixar do not make "Kids" films...
they make "Family" films. Big difference...and a lot harder task." Besides I'm taking a girl to see this movie monday and if it helps me get some action I'll take shitty chipmunk antics any day. -
the OTHER kind that insults children's intelligence that not even parents would think is healthy for your child to watch. Sure, they'll enjoy it, but they don't know any better. I'd much rather take my kids to a Pixar movie that actually has heart, soul and great themes and characters instead of this trash that only just offers cute-looking chipmunks made with worse CGI than those bloody gophers/ground hogs in Indy 4.
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I took it that Ellie simply was unable to have children, not that the was pregnant and lost the baby.
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Dec 27, 2009 9:17:27 AM CST
By the time my daughter was five years old...
by half-baked-goggle-box-do-gooder
...Her favorite movies were "The Last Emperor" and "Aliens", but most of all she loved sitting on the couch with me watching MST3K. Her tastes got worse when she hit her tweens, trying to fit in by pretending to like the same shit as her peers, but after a few years of that she noticed that her intelligence was being regularly insulted and she moved back to challenging, involving fare.
Try to remember - the four-to-six-year-olds whom trash like "Squeakuel" is squarely aimed at are at the mercy of their parents, who are responsible not just for what their kids are watching, but for talking about it afterwards - And whether or not the kid was whining or begging to see such shit is not the child's fault. Not all children are created equal, you know - Some are born idiots and will be expected to remain that way the rest of their lives, while some will be challenged to actually think, and will rise to the occasion. -
If our children are the future, what future do you think we're gonna have if they grow up watching shit like this?
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So, Capone gets pissed at Jason Lee for not being in it enough, and David Cross for being in it all...I sense a disconnect.
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None of this chipunk bullshit for my kids! My buddy Harry is a bit obsessive about film and has converted his garage into a 35mm screening room (no shit--he's even got actual seats cannibalized from an old movie theater). He screens classic prints every week, including some good kids stuff. This week my 7 year old and I are going to watch Golden Voyage of Sinbad in 35mm, along with the 1960s Italian superhero movie Superargo vs. the Faceless Giants. So the next time you're faced with crappy kids fare at the theaters, just find a buddy with a ridiculous 16mm & 35mm film collection who's converted his garage into a screening room.
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I'm a big David Cross fan, and I'm happy that the man is getting some money in his pocket. A lot of the projects he does that we all love don't make a lot of money and by giving him a stupid children's franchise allows him to continue doing the great things that we love. Its no different that when George Carlin played the engineer on "Shining Time Station" on PBS.
I don't understand why the "geeks" feel a connection to "Alvin & the Chipmunks" that it was such a great childhood entity that it is being raped by these movies. Its a stupid gimmick of making a voice high and silly and giving it to a furry creature. 7 year old girls love it. I don't care, I don't need to see it. Good for all involved, I hope they make a Trilosqueak. -
There's a ton of shitty movies that come out with awesome people in them, but because this one has a bunch of commercials, the AICN guys decide to rip on everybody in it? This movie is harmless.
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I mean I dont blame them. If I was legally obligated to care for their rugrats, I'd probably be licking the balls of anyone who could provide enough entertainment to keep them quiet for two hours, too.
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Girl rodents singing "All The Single Ladies"... how can you possibly defend that?! That was all I needed to know about this "movie". And Fareal... GTFOH with that nonsense if you REALLY believe that's the point to this movie. Again, you think a group of girl chipmunks (portrayed unnecessarily by a bunch of white women) singing "All The Single Ladies" shows black people in a good light? Come on, now.
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Great points (although we can't all be as lucky as Vegiterrorist). Golden Voyage of Sinbad is a personal favorite, though. : )
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... are utter morons. If you feed kids shit, and let 'em think it's pie, they will learn to like the taste of shit. Plain and simple. Shame on parents who let their kids watch this garbage, for ANY reason.
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Sounds like a plant.
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Then go watch the Smurfcats again. I hope you're never allowed to post another review on this site.
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Anyone who gets upset by this review, like they paid for it, are fucking idiots. Seriously, anything in this review worth getting upset about?? Any surprises the title didn't already spoil about the review?!? They should ban your IP's for taking the time to even post to this fucking TB with that shit. Just wow.
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Fuck you, Hollywood.
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When they're that young, denying them something like this because you think it sucks is pretty douchebag in and of itself. It's like never allowing them to eat candy...shit will fuck you up mentally.
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Damn you Michael Bay
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hahah capone, time to eat your hat or a dvd or whatever you were bitching you were gonna do if this movie did well.
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really, you should demand better for your kids
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I said it, geeks.
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Miyazaki films frequently make more than $150 million in Japan (Ponyo, Princess Mononoke and Howl's Moving Castle are just 3 films I know that did just that in Japan, I'm sure there's more). Ponyo made about $200 million worldwide and $15 million in the US, which is actually a lot for a Miyazaki film. (Usually in the US, they make less than 5).
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I grew up with the 60's "Alvin Show" and the "Christmas with the Chipmunks" records, and I did like the 80's cartoons... but THIS??? This is not the Chipmunks. I could go on, but why?
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How a bunch of geeks get ticked off about a movie geared toward 5 year olds.
C'mon fellas...really?
Alvin and the Chipmunks mimicked pop culture since the Beatles. Although the Single ladies shit was the last straw. (feels like nails dragging a chalkboard every-time I hear it.)
There have been Alvin and the Chumpmunks re-boots since the 60's. People that have grew up on the cartoons now take they're kids to go see the live action movies. Which is why it made so much paper this weekend.
To sit in a movie and bitch about how shitty it was is in a review later ( As if it was a big surprise it was.) or criticize a parent for taking they're kids to see it is borderline disturbing and unnecessary.
Shit, at least these people spent time with they're kids, They aren't many out here that are that lucky, I volunteered feeding the homeless this weekend.
... Wow -
Dec 28, 2009 2:11:44 AM CST
Chipettes singing "All the Single Ladies" in this film....
by gibsonusa returns
How is that any different than them singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" in the 80s?
http://tinyurl.com/cyzyka
They are simply singing the songs of the time. I heard (not sure, havent seen the movie) that they sing a song by Pink in this movie too.
This movie is harmless. And I hope people arent actually trying to establish a correlation between watching Alvin and the Chipmunks and a child's future intellectual capacity. C'mon! -
Dec 28, 2009 7:27:14 AM CST
Why do we have this discussion about every lame kids film?
by impossibledreamers
Its all about the benjamins baby. Kids movies, horror flicks, sequels, reboots, film versions of old TV shows...
They are easy and Hollywood likes easy. No suit wants to risk umpteen millions on something they don't think will make a fast buck.
I've met numerous producers over the years that are happy to make the same schlock over and over to eek out their meager profit than piss it all away on a shot at making something worth seeing.
Old news.
Why does anyone associated with this site bother seeing, let alone post a review of a movie WE ALL KNOW will be terrible. If this crudball (and I know it is, because I took my kids to see it - when I wanted to see Sherlock Holmes myself) was great then WRITE A REVIEW.
It's always been about the bottom line. But, its an easy answer - people need to stop seeing films they KNOW are bad and then still complain. Vote with your wallet and don't give these drek piles any publicity. -
My kids got a movie gift card for Christmas. They're begging to see this. The original was great. This one seems like Theodore's turd that Alvin ate in the first one. Help.....
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live animation movie department. While not classics by any means, both Underdog and Alvin and the Chipmunks were both good movies with solid actors, decent stories, and animation that didn't suck.
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They are really gonna crazy glue an anti-drug subplot into a kiddie movie with fuckin' talking rodents??
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is this any more moronic than Transformers 2? Is a movie geared toward at 14 year old boy intellect any different than a movie targeted at an 8 year old? And I think Trans 2 made over 400 million.
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Dec 28, 2009 1:14:12 PM CST
Using famous actors only to digitize their voices beyond recogni
by gimpinmypants
Stupid. Fucking. Thing. That. Hollywood. Has. Ever. Done.
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"In case you need it spelled out, the motherfucking SQUEAKQUEL can bite my nuts three at a time."Really? How many bites would that take before none are left?
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Seriously, who is surprised by this? And I'm sick of the excuse 'for my kids..." My kids might want to eat a bucket of lard, but I use my parent sense to say no since I'm the one with the better judgment. I know what's bad for them and what's good. And this crap is not good as it crushes their imagination and makes them into drooling douchers.
As long as their are kids and shitty parents there will be movies like this.
Shame on you all for not demanding better for your kids. -
Those movies mentioned are awful and only make smart kids dull and dumb kids obnoxious.
Grow a pair and exert some parental control. If youR kids want to watch a shitty movie, tell them NO.
NO is not a dirty word.
Offer an alternate for fuck's sake!
"Secret of Nimh," "Tron," "CLash of the Titans," Pixar (except CARS) 70's Disney's live-action ARE ALL superior to the above mentioned dreck. The problem with kids movies is that idiot parents have no clue about movies and think that just because they are family friendly that they are good for kids. A movie doesn't have to utter one swear word to be harmful.
THINK FOR FUCK'S SAKE! GET SOME TASTE IN MOVIES... -
Dec 28, 2009 9:44:04 PM CST
So you would refuse a child's movie request cause of "taste"?
by gibsonusa returns
Not because there's any inappropriate content.
Not because there is anything in the film that may scare the child.
Not because it has a morale/message that you disagree with.
But you would refuse a child's request to see a kid's movie simply because YOU think "it sucks".
WTF????????
I'm trying to imagine my parents refusing to allow me to see Transformers, GI Joe, and He-Man movies simply because THEY think "it sucked"....that would have been such a stupid thing to do! Good thing they would never do something like that.
If I like Transformers, and all the kids in my class do....and assuming the movie doesnt have any inappropriate content...my parents would have gladly driven the whole class to watch it and have a great time doing it.
And there is NO correlation between liking Pixar movies (versus Chipmunk movies) and a child's future intellectual capacity/career success.
Let the kid watch the f'n cartoon! -
If your kids like this movie, they are douchebags. Plain and simple. I hope, on their way out of the theater, that they tripped and cracked their little douche skulls on the pavement. Knock some sense into those douchey bastards.
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Not nearly as good as the first one, but serviceable. Would make a great Disney Channel original movie, but as a wide release film, I dunno...
The Chipmunks are extremely likeable. Two Jackie Chan trailer played before the movie, which was neat.
I will try to respond to this reviewers comments.
1. Casting known actors as the Chipmunks is pretty lame. However the selection does seem appropriate. If you look up the Youtube comments on this movie's trailer, you'll see little girls going on about how cute Jesse McCartney is, etc. And exactly how much more $ would Anna Faris demand over an unknown voice actor to voice a little chipmunk?
Apparently someone did the calculations and decided whatever difference was justified.
2. I would have preferred Jason Lee ("Dave") to have performed the "parent" role in this movie. He should have been the one to take the chipmunks to school, meet his high school crush, etc. Zachary Levi seems like he's performing a parody of Jimmy Fallon or something here. But it's no big deal, really.
3. The high school jocks are threatened because they are insecure high schoolers protecting their high school status/hierarchy. It doesn't matter that Alvin is a little chipmunk. The point is that the girls are ooo-ing and ahh-ing over the talking rodent now, and the jocks don't like it not because they think Alvin will get busy with the girls, but because it threatens their status on the totem pole. Its high school...its not supposed to make sense...when a pretty girl looks at you, the jock is in your face.
4. Ian was great. One of the highlights of the first one and I am glad he is back. Kids will remember this character because he is very interesting and memorable. -
Because, yes, this past Xmas, the Chipmunks is what my sister's little chipmunks just HAD to see. Now, I saw the first one, it was bearable, but this Squeakuel was just beyond rancid. This thing made the animated roadkill called Fantastic Mr. Fox look like The Lion King. All you shitters who didn't take your kids to see Astro Boy, yea, ye have now been punished. If you'd taken them, you'd have enjoyed yourself as well and Hollywood would make more movies like it. Instead, we are going to get more rotten rodentia on the big screen because this piece of cinematic chipmunk scat is making boatloads of money. Okay, now about the actual plotz, er, plot of this movie: basically it's the same as the first movie, chipmunks get abused by nasty agent, nasty agent gets his. I swear to god there wasn't a single laugh to be found ANYWHERE in this movie. Not even the kids laughed. Well, it serves them right for dragging adults (like me) to see it. Maybe now they'll learn that a high voice and a furry coat don't equal Mickey Mouse. I'm watching Naruto Shippuden, trying desperately that Naruto's big mouth will drown out the chipmunk squeaks still ringing in my ears...
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Dec 29, 2009 7:04:43 PM CST
Seriously, take your kids to see Astro boy at the dollar theater
by feralangel
Or wherever that excellent movie is playing near you. Especially if you DO take them to see The Squickwil. It'd be like giving them ice cream after a tonsillectomy. Trust me on this.
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I have two kids, ages 4 and 2, and they've probably watched the first Chipmunk movie at least 10 times using the HBO "On Demand" service. They don't care how crappy it is. Every time they watch it is like the first time again. They can't get enough of the chipmunks. That's who this movie is for...LITTLE KIDS! Unless you have kids, why would you even see this movie?
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...they will watch something over and over over and over over and over over and over over and over. This phenomena knows no generational boundary.One of my kids had an infatuation with the Great Mouse Detective. Watched it at least 100 times. Fortunately, this eventually led to an interest in Vincent Price and novels about Holmes. So if your beloved munchkin eats up tripe like this, all is not lost.
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Don't look nearly as stupid as those fucking things in avatar. I'm done with new movies totally. they are made for assholes all the way.
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were for Squeakquel. Not Avatar. I wouldn't know if Avatar's theater was full or not; I was there with the kids for Squeakuel, and yeah--it was full. Don't know what that says about humanity.
I think it might be doing well as counter-programming; Avatar is likely too violent for kiddies. Sherlock is for the grown-ups (I saw that over the weekend). -
Wow. I don't know what I can add that hasn't been said already, but I'll try. Capone, calling little kids "douches" just because their critical judgement of movies is not of your caliber is itself an act of the highest douchebaggery. Every children's movie does not - and should not - have to be a heartbreaking work of staggering genius. My 3 yr old son loves movies, loves the activity of going to the theater and buying concessions and supporting a dying art form, he is too young to text and instant message in the theater, and just enjoys the whole experience. Which is what you on AICN are supposed to be in favor of, right? Not every kid's movie can be E.T. or Toy Story or Goonies or Wall-E. You're going to have your Squeakquels and your Planet 51s. And you know what, so what? Get off your sanctimonious high horse, you and all the haters. Yes, I sat through this turd which I wouldn't waste five minutes of my adult life on, but I have a small child and I refuse to be an elitist asshole parent that demands that every children's flick my child sees be directed by fucking Truffault or Kubrick. My sone has seen Princess and the Frog twice in the theater, and right now the Chipmunks is the only other kid's movie out. It's not just the content of the movie, it's getting your children to enjoy the whole act of going to the cinema, and loving the art form. Part of learing to love movies is the act of maturing with them, seeing movies that you loved as a child and realizing that they no longer speak to you as an adult. Where the hell do you get off calling little kids douches for wanting to see a chipmunk movie? When you were a child, did you honestly never wish to see a movie that you might find inane as an adult?
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I mean honestly, the more I think about your "review," the more angry I get. I have never had this kind of reaction to an AICN review, or any reveiw, for that matter. You crossed a line from simply giving your opinion of a film, to insulting an audience of little children for having the temerity to enjoy what is a deliberate simple children's film. And you did it in a most crass way by calling a vast swathe of children "douches." Stay classy, Capone. Just an utterly tactless, tacky, low-class thing to say. You may not realize this, but many of your readers have little children, little children who while wanting to see the Chipmunks sequel also enjoyed Wall-E, the original Star Wars trilogy, Indiana Jones, Monster Squad, Back to the Future, etc. My 3 yr old is lucky enough to have a dad that lets him watch Aliens and Serenity and Terminator, and he loves them. My 3 yr old loves and appreciates movies that my parents would never have let me see at that age. But he is also a child, a small child, and small children's brains work differently from us adults. He also loves stupid kid movies, which is perfectly natural and there is nothing wrong with that. Sorry, dude, buy you blew it, you lost a reader in me. Not gonna read any more of your reviews. I don't mind a negative review of a movie like this, or a humorous one, but yours was just base and mean. It boiled down to calling kids douches. Just utterly lame. Not clever, not insightful, not funny. Just mean and lame. Wish Massawyrm had reviewed it, I'm sure it wouldn't incite such bile as I and others are feeling. Maybe you were just having a bad day... that was a shitty review and you should be ashamed.
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Since when? I raised three of them and they all had their "douchy" moments.
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IF and I do mean IF the kid turns out to be a douche blame the parents.....a douche off the old block.
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