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HUMAN MEAT PIES: THE UNTOLD STORY - Night 1 of the Cannibal Film Festival
I often times get letters that are like this one below:
Harry,
I am a big fan of AICN. I just discovered it, and
it is so refreshing to discover that I’m not alone
in my love of film. Here in my small town I look
around at others and feel like I’m the only one.
Thanks for being there and creating a place
where Freaks like me can be ‘one of us’.
Thanks again
Stunning Goddess
And ya know. It warms my heart to see letters like
that. Folks that feel apart from society realizing that
they are not alone.
But for all those letters, all that reassurance. I knew...
I was still basically alone.
But then The Alamo Drafthouse was created by Tim
and Kerri League. They came to my village called
Austin and put together a culinary cinema castle and
welcomed me in.
And still... I was alone.
It was at that one strange night at the 2nd QUENTIN TARANTINO FILM FESTIVAL, when I met Tom Joad and Annette
Kellerman and we all admitted our lust for human
flesh.
That’s right. Cannibalism.
Most people in the world still shun it. But it’s so
good.
I remember my first bite.
Back in 1990, I was at the house of this girl I was
dating. She was nice enough. I had met her in my
Film History class and we dated for about 3 weeks
when... it just happened.
We had been necking when suddenly she said,
“Harry, please eat me.”
I was confused. What did she mean? That’s weird.
She could tell I was having trouble with the concept
so she wiggled out of her pants, spread her legs,
pointed between them and said, “Start, by licking
right here.”
Well... Ok. I remember it clearly. I had always
wondered what humans tasted like. Food is often on
the mind. I did an exploratory lick. Then another.
Then thoughts of that old Tootsie Pop commercial
came to mind, and just as I went to lick the third time
the thought hit.... It’s gonna take a billion licks to get
through with her, so..... CHOMP!
She screamed... and it was a mess, but after about 10
minutes she quieted down. And I finished my meal, cleaned up and dropped the bones off at the local kennel, I
drove home to tell Dad what happened. He smiled
and told me the truth about where he and mom went
on those rare occasions when I was left at home. He
really is the greatest. Ever since I’ve been hooked on
Cannibalism.
It’s getting harder and harder to get a good cannibal
meal... but once I hooked up with Tom Joad and
Annette Kellerman, they brought down several dishes
from Oklahoma, and together we converted Quint,
Johnny Wad, Captain Blood, Babyface Nelson, Sister
Satan and various others. Robogeek still refuses...
but then it violates one of his laws that Asimov
programmed him with.
Through it all, we still didn’t have a social gathering
place that... well... cooked our favorite dishes. We
decided to approach Tim and Kerri. To our shock,
we found that they too were cannibals. In fact, rumor
has it that they moved to Austin to get away from
some ugly typical anti-cannibal sentiment up in the
American Northwest.
Together we all spoke about our communal shame for
being cannibals. I mean... after all... it is just meat.
Hell, it’s really really good meat. Alongside seal, it’s
just about the best meat one could consume, and we
don’t get much seal here in Austin. (However, my
friends in New Zealand are quite lucky)
In these conversations, the prospect of ‘coming out of
the kitchen’ so to say, was brought up. Through a
festival celebrating the finer examples of Cannibal
Film, while at the same time serving... PUBLICLY...
dishes prepared with human tissue. Then it was
dropped.
Or so I thought.
Suddenly, out of the blue, Tim announced the FIRST
ANNUAL CANNIBAL FILM FESTIVAL. And
there... in black and white in the newspaper were the
words: SERVING REAL HUMAN FLESH!!!
I swear I cried. To my surprise, not only were we not
burnt at the stake, but the Austin Chronicle and 101X
(a radio station) co-sponsored the event. The
newspapers and television stations ran with the
festival. And suddenly the bumper sticker “I’m A
Cannibal, And I Vote” was not stared at with horror.
Oh sure... All of Austin is not yet filled with
Cannibals, most are still only consuming Cannabis,
but it’s just three changed letters... We can do it. I believe
in my dietary choice in life.
So it is, with great honor that I chronicle for you the
FIRST ANNUAL CANNIBAL FILM FESTIVAL!!!
The first night of the festival was Thursday,
September 9, 1999.
We had no idea how many would arrive. Curious
cannibal virgins? Refined feasters of flesh? How
many would come?
Folks, you have no idea of the size and strength of
our Cannibal Nation. That’s right... the Cannibal
Nation. Using this gathering, and demonstrated by
the wonderful crowds at this event, we are looking to
form a political action group for the preservation of
the rights of cannibals around the world.
Imagine if you were told Hamburgers and French
Fries were illegal. To us.. being told that Human
Meat Pies can’t be served... well... It injures us. It
downright gets us pissed off, and you don’t ever want
to meet a pissed off Cannibal Horde, I’ll tell you that
bit of advice for free.
Speaking of HUMAN MEAT PIES, that was the
kickoff film of the festival... HUMAN MEAT PIES:
THE UNTOLD STORY aka UNTOLD STORY:
HUMAN MEAN ROAST PORK BUNS aka BA
XIAN FAN DIAN ZHI REN ROU CHA SHAO BAO
(1992)
Tim came out in his Pithe Helmet and native adorned
Hawaiian shirt. He told the packed room of cannibals
that you can not eat your neighbor. That all food had
to be prepared by the able staff at the Drafthouse. If
anyone so much as has a spontaneous flesh eating
attack, “I will beat you, drag you to the kitchen, cook
you and serve you. You have been warned.”
The crowd cheered. You would think people would
understand. That they would... ‘Grok’ it. But sure
enough, right after the CANNIBAL FEROX trailer...
A man was stricken with the urge to feast upon
LIVING HUMAN FLESH. Tim... and the
cooks/bouncers/butchers of the Alamo Drafthouse
peeled him off the innocent Cannibal... Beat the shit
out of him. Put him on a stretcher/platter and hauled
him off to the meat locker. Then re-warned folks a
second time. The crowd cheered... as is natural when
you realize that we were going to be getting FRESH
MEAT!
As a cannibal, we are often stereotyped as being
nerdy violent women hating monsters that try to force
others to eat our cooking. This is simply ludicrous,
but it does make for a good movie. I mean
seriously... This is like a meat lover opening up a
vegetarian restaurant where he tries to pass off
chicken as tofu. Not bloody likely eh? Well, here in
this film we have a monster of a man, who runs a
restaurant that is supposed to be serving all types of
good traditional Chinese and Japanese dishes...
BUT... he is indeed serving a variety of Human
dishes to unsuspecting regular folk.
To cannibals... this is a wrong. But... ya see the
character doing this in the movie is not a cannibal.
He is a Cannibal Chef... he prepares his dishes... but
he does not eat his own food, therefore... he is not a
cannibal... and really the people eating there could
not be classified as cannibals since they are not aware
of the food they are eating.
After all, if you slip some acid in the punch bowl and
everyone in the room begins tripping, you wouldn’t
say you were at a party with a bunch of druggies...
right? Right.
So in reality, this is not a cannibal movie, but it does
whet a cannibal’s appetite, and our group was very
very happy for the menu on this night, that is for sure.
I had the Human Meat Pies... a delicious dish
prepared much like BBQ PORK BUNS, but with
human flesh instead of pork. Actually there is less
calories in these than the regular pork ones. Tom
Joad, Annette Kellerman and Sister Satan all dined on
a fine dish of Cowboy Chili (with real cowboy). Boy
was it spicy. I had to drown my burning tongue with
some fine Coppola Wine to extinguish it. By the
way... a good red wine is perfect with human flesh.
Father Geek dined upon a delicacy known as Pickled
Brains... a bit of a dessert really. Serves 3 usually,
and sure enough we couldn’t finish it, so Sister Satan
had a styrofoam takeout box with leftovers to take
home to her Cannibal Mate: Lobo.
Now... Back to the film and writing for you
non-flesheaters. Folks... This film could very well
disturb y’all for many reasons.
The violence is very intense and over the top. There
is a scene where an entire family is killed that... well
it reminded me of the scene in HENRY PORTRAIT
OF A SERIAL KILLER, but... this family is larger...
and meat cleaver killing is just... intense. As is death
by genital ramming of chopsticks. Also... the killing
of four young (ages 9 and younger) girls... well... it’s
the sort of thing you turn from the screen to avoid
having the images scar your mind forever.
So, let me warn you... this movie is not for the weak
of heart or fainting crowd.
However, for genre fans it’s just a great movie. The
intensity is earned. The police interrogation is
actually... for me... the most horrifying. Believe me...
avoid visiting Macau at all costs.
The acting is surprisingly wonderful. I had not seen
this film before tonight and was expecting the worst,
but Danny Lee (yes, the guy from THE KILLER), the
eye-patch guy from HARD BOILED, and many
others really do rule in this movie.
But the film really and truly belongs to Anthony
Wong Chau-Sang who plays the accused cannibal
Wong Chi Hang. This man just rocks in this film. He
is immediately disturbing to even look at. He’s got
an unhinged disturbed wacked out demeanor that
just... Well... it’s a bit scary. Nah... it’s real scary.
But the cops... they are even scarier. When you see
the torture they put him through at the Hospital... My
god... you’ll be sick to your stomach. The water
blisters on the back... My god... I have never seen
anything like that in cinema in my life. It was
fantastic.
Meanwhile, at every vile act the audience cheered.
We are truly united.
There are still a couple of seats left for the
enterprising cannibal that comes on up.... Next I’ll be
writing about CANNIBAL FEROX... and Tonight
(Saturday) we’ll be watching EATING RAOUL.
After the film we all left... stomachs full and minds lit
afire by a fantastic flesh-consuming film.
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+ Expand All
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The day of our revealing has come. Harry, I always knew you, like me, consumed human tissue. I really laughed at your first time. Unfortunately mine wasn't a funny anecdote. Here in Washington D.C. My parents raised me as a cannibal. Said it would give me an advantage in life. They were right. I get lobbied a lot in these parts and I can not even begin to tell you all the scum I have grilled with a nice white wine marinara. I wish I was there with you. Best of luck, and if the yokels cause problems, just eat them.
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1. Someone has hacked this website and posted the cannibal thing to get back at Harry for some chicken-shit reason, or 2. A parody dreamt up by an under the influence Harry Knowles, or 3. The Austin police department needs to search the Knowles household. Immediately!
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Harry, my father had an interesting experiance in WWII... He was in the South Pacific. There were some little, squat folk there, not black, not white, not oriental. They spoke pidgin english because each village had its own language, and because my father was young and quick witted at the time he picked it up. Hearing "long pig" in conversation, he decided that he had to spot one. He looked at all the pigs, but they were plain basic pigs like at home. After some time looking, he finally asked where they kept the Long Pigs. When the little people stopped laughing, they told him the truth. Long Pig was the vernacular for Human Being as food. Humans have long legs, the best part on a pig. They assured my father that human flesh is much like pork, but not to worry because they did'nt eat anyone they knew. It was generally only eaten as a victory feast after a battle, with the winners eating the losers. However, with all the carnage going on around them, the little guys were taking advantage of this time of plenty and eating this gourmet fare all the time. Why kill their prized pigs when all that great stuff was to be had for nothing? My father, as an old man remembering his emotions at the time, said he was not as upset as he felt he ought to be. There were much more horrible, and deliberate, evils happening in the war; the cannibals just seemed to be like a cleanup crew.
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Sep 11, 1999 9:16:33 AM CDT
Nice review, Harry, but you could have fleshed it out a little m
by oberon
Another zesty review Harry, filled as usual with tasty morsels. Some may suspect, however, that cannibal movies, like the Forbidden Flesh itself, may be an acquired taste.
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Harry, how many times have you seen Ravenous?
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keep to the reviews and news please.
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Harry, dude, have you been smoking some funny shit ??
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Hey Harry,
What a kick ass review I must say its the best thing you've written so far!!! Don't listen to the other people on this talk back who are moaning.
Eating human flesh is sooo cool, why do people get offended by it, unless their the one being eaten of course.
Like i put this Swastiker on one of my websites and everyone was moaning at me... just piss off!
Swastikers are cool... um... I've wondered off the subject now.
anyway.. good luck!
Hail Hilter! -
Sep 11, 1999 1:28:24 PM CDT
Why we won't be surprised if Harry is taken in for questioning o
by all thumbs
...ha, ha. Very funny. Ok, the cannibalism jokes were ok up until you made the joke about four 9-year-old girls. That's just not funny at all. Now, if you had said you'd sacrificed virgins or something without mention of age, then it's funny. Why? Because the rest of us don't have images of our little sisters, cousins, next door neighbors, children, etc. being chomped by a bunch of crazed Texans. The rest of the article wasn't very funny, either, but it was worth a try. Cannibalism humor needs to be subtle.
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That was a film...I skipped paragraphs and missed the film reference part. Well, it doesn't make the post any better because of the "eat me" story. I don't want to think of Harry having sex any more than he wants to think of us...or, at least I hope not.
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Anthony Wong is a twisted, diseased human being. He's like the anti-Chow Yun Fat: constantly playing individuals with the morals of fetid pond scum.
We need more actors like him. -
At least I hope so, that would be gross if true. But the Drafthouse is really having a Cannibal Film Fest, see for yourself. . . www.drafthouse.com. I must say, the Handburger is excellent.
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Most of the talkbacks are nasty enough without the reviewers adding to the problem. I think I will find another site for movie news now, thank you very much.
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Not about the cannablism thing. I'm sure you are a cannabal. You don't get that size from eating baccon! You lied about the girl. No woman has ever taken her pants off in front of you! YOu little liar!
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What in the hell was that? You freakin' eat people!? And, a woman was nice enough to let you taste her sweet nectar and you BIT HER!? Man, this site is just going straight to hell...
www.aint-it-fucked-up-news.com -
First, the whole 9 year old girls thing. I agree with the other post. It IS funny to say "virgins" or something, but not 9 year old girl. It's like in The Big Lebowski with John Turtorro. It's funny cause Walter calls him a "pedder ass" and shows the guy walking door-to-door, but it WOULDN'T be funny if the Coens showed a scene with Tuturro approaching a crying little boy. The whole review lacked taste, and no, damn it, that's NOT a pun! And what was with the "eat me" part? My God, me belly churned, kiptin! Harry, that kind of anecdote has never really been your style. Remember, a lot of people go to this site. Someone else made a point about making cannibal humor subtle. He's right. That's why its funny, not disturbing, when Hannibal Lechter informs the audience that he's "having an old friend for dinner."
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Wow, it's a shame that more people don't have a sense of humor like you, Harry. as for all those whining brats, funk 'em if they can't take a joke! Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock? A: You can't fuck a rock! Long live Harry, and other purveyors of foul humor the world over! (And folks, lighten up already.)
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I though you guys were going to talk about oral sex there for a momment !!!! Go me toooo excited....You tease...
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I gotta say - the article was ok, kind of funny. But the talkbacks have been absolutely wonderful - from the way too serious to the completely insincere. Harry, if this is the kind of debate you can cause, by all means, continue. What a bunch of nuts you guys are. And Internat32 - it's swastika, you knucklehead. But please, don't let me interrupt. By all means, continue the feeding frenzy. (chuckle)
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Yeah whatever, I don't care how you spell it... point is I'm over it now. I can now see how depressed and sad i was, I needed help and I finally recieved it. I would like to make a pulic apology to all who read my previos talk back... I was a small, small individual.. I see that now!!!
Thankyou all for showing me the light! However.. it was the darkness that finally released me, for i have fallen into the depths of depravity and sin.
I am now the undead, the living immortal... I feed upon those who cross my path, draining their bodily fluids for nourishment!
I am a vampire!
Now i know what you are thinking, this guy is insane, well you will soon all see!!!
There is a new world order coming, a powerfull new leader is born, Harry will lead us all into the true path, the path of the flesh hungry and the blood thirsty.... where he leads i shall follow and bless the lower forms of life with immortality!!
The Humans will pay!! Humanity will fall!!!
Hail the New World Order.. HAIL HARRY!!!!
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was just trying to get into the spirit of the notorious Hong Kong Category 3 films(the Meatpie movie was rated one)anyone watche dthat show yet?Categopry 3 regular Anthony Wong did some sickining stuff with a bundle of chopsticks.and the sight of fake looking sawn hand and legs being thrown around......
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you also spelled cannibal wrong. boy, are you a lousy member of the legion of the damned. probably don't even have sharp teeth.
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Harry's review of "The Untold Story" piqued my interest in cannibalism themed films. So I drove directly to Intercontinental Video, the only movie rental business in Minneapolis that doesn't assume the position of arbiter of what is and isn't morally corrupt, to see if they carried 'em. There, on the shelf in the horror section, was "The Untold Story." I picked it up, and I grabbed another tasty morsel entitled "Cannibal Holocaust." "The Untold Story" is all right, not much of a story but it's well made. My problem with it was all the lame attempts at humor. It is in Chinese with English subtitles. The wholesale slaughter of an entire family, young girls and all, will make you cringe. I was surprised the filmmaker's had the nerve to put impressionable young people in a scene where a madman wielding a cleaver murdered each child, one at a time. For sheer depravity though skip "The Untold Story" and rent the aptly titled "Cannibal Holocaust." This film is hardcore. There's just some sick and wrong stuff going on in "Cannibal Holocaust" (like sea turtles and monkeys being beheaded for shock value). The story goes like this: a crew of filmmaker's goes to the Amazon to document a tribe of cannibals. Only the filmmaker's never return. An NYU professor is enlisted to find out what happened to the lost film crew. He finds the skeletal remains of the crew along with their exposed cans of film. Sound familiar? There are many interesting similarities with "The Blair Witch Project." Both "The Untold Story" and "Cannibal Holocaust" deal with humans eating humans, but "Cannibal Holocaust" is a whole lot more graphic... and disturbing.
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I was wondering if anyone was going to mention this film. After hearing the comparisons drawn from it relating to The Blair Witch Project, I just had to get it (you can find it from several net-based outlets). It is definitely a shock to the system, but the underlying story is VERY good. Interestingly enough - and I didn't know this until I checked out the film at IMDB - the lead character of the investigating professor is played (VERY well, I might add), by former prom star R. Bolla (billed as Robert Kerman). Definitely a must, however, for any Cannibal film fan.
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