Cool News
Brad Pitt & THE TWILIGHT SAGA Company To Bring Us Action Dracula!!
Merrick here...
Tech issue updating site today necessitate super-brief updates. Apologies.
Summit and Producer Brad Pitt are looking to put an action spin on DRACULA.
The company has picked up "Vlad," a script by actor Charlie Hunnam, and is in negotiations with music video and photographer Anthony Mandler to direct the project. Pitt is producing, not acting, with Dede Gardner via the duo's Plan B Entertainment production shingle.
"Vlad" centers on Dracula as a young prince; he is known to history as Vlad the Impaler, the man behind the Dracula myth.
[EDIT]
With "Vlad," Summit hopes to make a visually edgy and radical period movie that also will break a new talent.
...says THR HERE.
I saw a massive documentary on Vlad the Impalker a while back; some seriously twisted and fucked up stuff abounds. If this project is done right, prepare for significant depravity. If I recall correctly, Vlad...at one point...invited the weak and poor in his region to a massive banquet. When they arrived, he locked 'em into a room and set the place on fire - effectively ridding his region of poor and invalid. Savage and direct social reform.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. More HERE.
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The company has picked up "Vlad," a script by actor Charlie Hunnam, and is in negotiations with music video and photographer Anthony Mandler to direct the project. Pitt is producing, not acting, with Dede Gardner via the duo's Plan B Entertainment production shingle.
"Vlad" centers on Dracula as a young prince; he is known to history as Vlad the Impaler, the man behind the Dracula myth.
[EDIT]
With "Vlad," Summit hopes to make a visually edgy and radical period movie that also will break a new talent.
...says THR HERE.
I saw a massive documentary on Vlad the Impalker a while back; some seriously twisted and fucked up stuff abounds. If this project is done right, prepare for significant depravity. If I recall correctly, Vlad...at one point...invited the weak and poor in his region to a massive banquet. When they arrived, he locked 'em into a room and set the place on fire - effectively ridding his region of poor and invalid. Savage and direct social reform.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. More HERE.
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in a bad way.
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Ywah!
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Ywah!
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Too bad he's dead.
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And would make a great subject for historical fictive revisioning. Vlad as a Leonides kind of hero? I can see it. -
There is potential here.
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i was surprised to see the summit graphic before the movie. apparently they are capable of decent moviemaking... but they lost their right to make vampire movies.
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...the worst vodka I ever had in my life... $10 for a GALLON of vodka? no wonder I vomitted chunks of chunky chunks...
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My bets on the latter though.
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Had to be said. Sorry.
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Sounds like you'd be locked in that room if Vlad had his way.
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blah?
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Is a nightmare to get right. Most of what we know about him our accounts from his ENEMIES, and the momentum of post Dracula exaggeration is ridiculous. In college I saw one doc that made Vlad's origin story sound like a Batman ripoff... complete with bat at window. I'm pretty sure the fire story is true. He was a notoriously 'hack-the-Gordian-knot in two' kind of guy, but some much of the rest is really hard to say. But for those that are wondering, most of our evidence links Vlad Dracula to Stroker's in name only. Basically he read Dracula - literally 'Son of Dracul' or, 'Son of The Dragon') as 'Son of the Devil' and thought, 'SWEET! I'm naming him THAT!' The whole staking things is argued by most scholars to be purely coincidence.
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You heard it here first.
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Dec 07, 2009 3:17:36 PM CST
I'D LIKE TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT VLAD THE IMPALKER......
by tehcreepythinman
Use a spell check some time you fucking retard.
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I'm gonna muthafuckin IMPALE those muthafuckas!
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...the Impregnator? i dunno... sorry...
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well..it is from a company that makes music videos..(dont mind me..its cold here in my den)
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Yes. Yes. I can. It would be glorious. And no, I won't make the obvious joke.
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It casts itself.
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Dec 07, 2009 3:23:35 PM CST
So, impaling...in the stomach and out the back flopped over?...
by flickapoo
...or the traditional and more professional up the anus and out the mouth.Supposedly there was the ultimate up the anus but not too far...and let you slowly sink down onto the spike by force of your own body weight.They better not puss out on the impaling. Impaling makes or breaks this project...
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Meh.
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Interesting...
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...it can be a pot-comedy wit medieval settings and vampires!
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I'm sure much like 300, it'll be a lot of dark, moody CGI. And look at his portrait..bug eyes, long pointy nose. Put Adrian Brody in a wig and crazy mustache, and there you go.
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...Paler! he can be a Hollywood plastic surgeron who gives people paler skin tones...
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Saving Lives...And Taking Them. Summer 2010.
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You do see the irony in you telling someone to run spellcheck, when your name is TehCreepyThinMan, right?
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Dec 07, 2009 3:28:54 PM CST
Flickapoo, I know what IMPALING is.. IMPAILING is another story
by wickedjester
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Bleaching assholes since 2003...
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I'd impalk the shit out of shit.
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Dec 07, 2009 3:32:53 PM CST
WickedJester, THERE'S A REASON MY NAME IS TehCreepyThinMan......
by tehcreepythinman
It's because Harry has banned me soo many times that I need to constantly come up with new variations of the name CreepyThinMan. TehCreepyThinMan was the only variation that I had not used up until now, thus, that is why it’s spelled that way.
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Typos... I make them. Headaches do not help. I blame McG.
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...OLD SCHOOL PRACTICAL IMPALINGS.Sorry WickedJester...I think I need glasses.
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Nothing beats impalker. It sounds like their being raped but Polka musicians.
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I see what you did there, clever sir and you could write Hollywood movies with that creativity.
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he was given a bond style mission and did that.
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That's the most important question.
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Dec 07, 2009 3:44:53 PM CST
...I imagine TWILIGHT would be improved by some impaling...
by flickapoo
...how could it not?
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Thank you for finally saying what I've been thinking for ages.
It's gotten to the point where I just close articles written by Merrick and go to ComingSoon.net for the news instead.
Your job consists of writing two or three short paragraphs, most of which is copied from Variety or The Hollywood Reporter - there is no excuse for that sloppy shit. -
...and now I feel icky for writing that...
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A jet setting Romanian living the un-dead life of Bond and Bourne, with a soundtrack by Trent Reznor.
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Sheesh. Am I right?
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Dec 07, 2009 4:03:12 PM CST
HarryCalder, KRISTEN STEWART WOULD BE TOO STONED TO NOTICE!!!FAC
by tehcreepythinman
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http://tinyurl.com/yb6ujal
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In the words of Lou Costello: "Yeah, you and five million other guys". Well played, sir.
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Dec 07, 2009 4:21:13 PM CST
ZombieHeathLedger, I SENT THAT TO KNOWLES YESTERDAY FUCKING AFTE
by tehcreepythinman
Are his fingers soo fat now that he can’t operate the fucking keyboard anymore which is why he posts so little on this FUCKING EDIT BUTTON LESS shithole of a site? P.S. Did I add you as a Friend on Facebook? I don't know who you are...sadface.
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Dec 07, 2009 4:23:17 PM CST
Written by the guy from SONS OF ANARCHY?
by richard_gere_raped_my_gerbil
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Come on, you know you were thinking it, too.
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just e-mailed you on FB (even though you think mistakenly that Spiderman 2 is a 'masterpiece,' lol.)
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My people know where the thick piece of wood goes in.
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Every movie would be better with zombies.
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They said they were looking for something more like "Blade" (mine was more thriller oriented). Guess they finally found it.
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I thought the whole background story was pretty much covered in Coppola's DRACULA. It was done with a lot of shadows and silhouettes but wasn't that supposed to be the story of VLAD THE IMPALER? Still, this could be good, and really gruesome to see people get a greased, sharpened wooden stake up their assholes, thru their guts, neck and out of their mouths. Yech!
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Can someone send me some information on when and where auditions for this project will take place? If not when and where, at least some contact info for the studio or the powers that be behind the project?
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Should stick to being Jolie's pet
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Dec 07, 2009 5:14:20 PM CST
that deathly hallows sneak peak is pretty badass
by supercowbell5thecowbellhasspoken
i came in my pants
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happens only at the beach.
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What a lame piece of shit! Damn You Twilight!!! Damn You to Hell!!
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Dec 07, 2009 5:36:53 PM CST
snartwork...auditions will take place at the sharp end of a long
by flickapoo
...greasy pole.
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I want to see this.
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Dec 07, 2009 5:52:32 PM CST
The new Harry Potter footage is just them running thru the woods
by mike_d
I'd wait to post that shit too.
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Sounds horrible. A non-Dracula Dracula, played by a 20-year-old with killer abs. This is finger-banging material. PASS.
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...it has a ring to it. I need to figure out a way to get banned so I can return twice as powerful...
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Synopsis: A depressed Carpathian emo teenager is dumped by the hottest chick in his village, so he decides to take up the ancient art of "peasant shish-kabob".
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...Transylvanian cock...and I'd have to change my name again in shame.Better to sit tight.
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Dec 07, 2009 6:07:21 PM CST
terminator vampire goes back in time to destroy baby
by beyondthunderdome2girls1cupbillcosby
van helsing
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like they're going to fail at making it
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...sticky little four inch impaling pole without even flinching... . . Did that come out wrong?...
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As long as it's young actors in a lucrative movie series featuring mormon subtext, while they secretly smoke so much pot, Reggae and the Dave Matthews band sound good.
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Dec 07, 2009 6:28:07 PM CST
...I'm working hard to make this the #1 impaling talkback...
by flickapoo
...of the year, but I'm only a human being...one man with a vision.You have to meet me half way here people...it's fun because it involves sphincters...
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the only title possible
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what with upcoming ninja Sherlock Holmes movie
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I'm down for this project. So long as it doesn't become PG-13 Twilight The Impaler. That would piss me off. Pitt has made some good hard R films, though. So hopefully they'd get it done right.
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The deliberately cheesy horrible tagline would of course be "This car's got bite!". How's that one for retarded, hollywood? Now where's my damn check?
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What's happening with Alex Proyas' DRACULA project? Anyone??
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Dec 07, 2009 7:07:29 PM CST
Stegman84: Is that the vampire equivalent of Gran Torino?
by royston lodge
Synopsis: Clint Eastwood plays a cranky, 80-year old vampire who is also a Korean War vet. When his neighborhood is taken over by Vietnamese refugees he takes up the ancient art of "immigrant-shish-kabob".
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... light head!"
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Dec 07, 2009 7:09:24 PM CST
...I'm really proud of that post. I know nothing about cars.
by flickapoo
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Dec 07, 2009 7:13:05 PM CST
"When a thousand screaming gooks were coming at us . . .
by royston lodge
. . . we didn't have time to call the police. We took action. We impaled them!"
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even if it isn't historically accurate. Noblemen are known to be dabblers in esoteric matters (just look at 19th century Victorian England) and it would add a real mystique to an otherwise psychotic biography.
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Nope, no Blaculas here...
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...a notch or two to get the kid's attention these days...Sort of like the new TERMINATOR did with motorcycle terminators...
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Vlad was better portrayed by Gary Oldman in the first 5 minutes of Dracula than the teen heartthrob bullshit angle they're likely going to take with this. They'll make it some Anakinesque story about Vlad doing his terrible deeds for love...when he was only a horrible and horrifying human being to satisfy himself. There's some grisly shit that went down that will NEVER be properly translated to film. Especially if the Twilight folks are behind it. That's the most pessimistic I've been about a movie in a while. But I can't invest any hope in a vampire flick until this twilight bullshit blows over. Everything until then is going to be worse than Underworld and Van Helsing. If you want to know the TRUE story of a terrifying man who was not a vampire read a damn history book. If they would just make an epic that was kind of a Braveheart but backwards...that's about the right idea.
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...the kids are going to LOVE it.
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Yes it was necessary
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Dec 07, 2009 9:01:13 PM CST
THIS WILL ONLY BE GOOD IF THEY EXACTLY COPY 300'S STYLE
by spazatronik2000
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Summit completely crapped up the promotion and scheduling for Astro Boy, which I've praised here at length as the beautiful kickass movie it is; and if Twilight didn't have a built-in audience, Summit would have aborted it too. While this sounds intriguing (saw a cool documentary on Vlad Dracul some time back, brrrr he was a sick bastard), I doubt it'll get many butts in theater seats; Summit's shitty marketing department will see to that.
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Kinda wish I had thought of it. Seems obvious now.
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He was also the psycho that ran super fast in Children of Men.
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I don't really know what else Summit has been involved with, but I have to totally agree with you about the Twilight films. Particularly the second one. For being such an "event" there was very little high profile promotion.
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The horror...The horror...
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But he sounds like a douche-bag serial killer. Why would we consider turning him into a swashbuckling sympathetic character? Hollywood is fucking bugnuts insane, that's why.
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that's all i got
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They couldn't make a good vampire movie if their life depended on it.
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This is just his way of trying to get a threesome with Lautner and Pattison.
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a really horrifying but fascinating story that's never been correctly told.
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Dec 07, 2009 11:07:42 PM CST
if it weren't for Vlad Pitt's involvement, I'd be skeptical
by badmrwonka
but he chooses good projects almost universally now...
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read a book at like 12 about what he did and it messed me UP.
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Dec 07, 2009 11:13:39 PM CST
as horrible as he was, I heard he was a good vlad do his childre
by badmrwonka
even though one of them had his eyes burnt out before being buried alive...
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followed by "An Assful of Stakes"
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man, clint eastwood should direct this...
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This Christmas it's not what's coming down the chimney, it's what's going up your ass!
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High school can be such a pain in the ass.
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Three spikes and your sphinter's out.
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Product Placement inevitable.
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Do you want me to impale your fuckin' ass? Do you want me to impale it?
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I am gonna impale your fuckin' ass! You and me, we're done rectally after this...fuckin' ass!
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That was for you, Doc.
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YOu know I've had my share (of asses impaled.)
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Featuring Jon Bon Jovi who actually enjoys being anally intruded upon.
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Just caught that, thanx.
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Yeah, I know it's a stretch (that's what she said0
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thats my hat in the ring..
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duck you SUCKER ...... yeah.
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Not to be confused with...VLAD-HE-ATE-HER
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the joke that is first will blow your mind...
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Please, this awful genre has been sucking since that Tom Cruise movie.
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ho ho ho!
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who.
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Jesus, the amount of bullshit we in the West continue to report about this guy, is INSANE.
How would you feel if the Middle East told horror stories about Abe Lincoln feasting on negro babies and drinking the blood of slaves?
If you want to know something about the real Vlad, talk to someone from Romania for gods sake, and stop watching History channel or Discovery channel "Dracula week" specials.
They don't have the first fucking clue. -
Fucking Twilight, Fucking Brad Pitt trying to fuck with Alex Proyas' progect.
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There would be some crazy jive talk in that film!
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Dec 08, 2009 5:55:53 AM CST
V'Shael...that Lincoln film sounds awesome
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
it would be great in stop-motion animation...
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of Anarchy, the blonde with a dodgy American accent, is trying to cash in on the vampire craze by writing himself what is destined to be a shitty vampire flick? Strange.
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I've never read these really stoned but god damn you cats are funny as fuck.Interesting...
what bout...Vlad the Inhaler?!
by yourSTEPDADDY Dec 7th, 2009
03:25:09 PM
...it can be a pot-comedy wit medieval settings and vampires!
Dude I laughed so hard when i read that.fuck if this were the 80's this would be made.i want to go to film school this may be my final.i'll throw you a royalty
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Agreed about summit they spent all this money on the brothers bloom and they did fuck all to promote it.i hear they won't sell the dvd till january.i caught a break and picked it up 4 for $30
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= FAIL.
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Dec 08, 2009 8:09:17 AM CST
cant wait for even the more edgy and radical sequel!Go TEAM Vlad
by themanwhocan
Fuck team Helsing or team teenwolf.. whatever... God, what a pointless piece of news!
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Dec 08, 2009 8:11:44 AM CST
...it's like a Christmas miracle. I had to go to bed, but...
by flickapoo
...I wake up, and here it is! THE IMPALING TALKBACK OF THE DECADE!It's like waking up and it snowed during the night...or Elves cleaned the gutters!It's so beautiful...
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"Killing me won't bring back your Goddamn anusses! My ass! My ass! Arrrrghhhhh!"
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But seriously, enough vampire shit already.
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Uh-oh...
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..."Vlad".... Vlad who?.... . ."Aren't you Vlad I knocked on the front door?"
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..."Vlad".... Vlad who?.... . ."Aren't you Vlad I knocked at all? Sometimes I just shove a sharp pole up your ass without warning"...
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Yeah... don't they mean VLADICAL?
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...sights set on.
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Dec 08, 2009 9:04:20 AM CST
...this TB has been full of some really sharp, long, greasy....
by flickapoo
...posts.
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VINCENT GALLO was born to play Vlad Tepes.
Exhibit A: http://pics.livejournal.com/sauce1977/pic/000thpkd
Exhibit B:
http://alitareads.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/vlad-tepes.jpg
How bout that, huh?
I cannot believe they haven't made a Vlad movie already. This could be something. -
Dec 08, 2009 9:13:03 AM CST
...yeah, he looks just like that one painting. I don't even...
by flickapoo
...have to look at your links now that you mention it. That's remarkable.
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..."Vlad The Impaler".... Vlad The Impaler who?.... . ."Aren't you Vlad it's not a Jehovah's Witness? Those people will ruin your whole morning!".
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Yeah, back in the old stoner days my friends and I would sit around and have lengthy discussions about how somebody HAD to make a Vlad movie, and how Vincent Gallo HAD to play the lead. We had big ideas. And lots of weed. But think about it: they look the same. They're both crazy. They've both slaughtered thousands of people and they both had sex with Chloe Sevigny.
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..."Vlad The Impaler".... Vlad The Impaler who?.... . ."Aren't you Vlad I lost my luggage at the airport? See, because I keep my impaling gear in my luggage...otherwise I'd be impaling you right now." "So you should be Vlad about that".
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with Vlad Spicoli....
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starring Andrew McCarthy.
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..."Vlad The Impaler".... Vlad The Impaler who?.... . ."Hey, does this giant black mustache make me look gay? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I grew it out to look extra crazy and scary...I keep shaving it off and growing it back. What do you think?""That, and it would be sort of hypocritical to look gay since I'm evil and especially like to impale gay people..."
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Oh I bet it will be fucking great. I can't wait for the movies we'll have next decade.
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Dec 08, 2009 9:48:09 AM CST
ricarleite2... I hear ya. Culture has suffered
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Lets go to Salt Lake City, burn down the temple and begin slitting throats. Then when we get busted we claim freedom of religious practices under Vampirism. We can accomplish this during the day, we just need to put glitter on our face and approach/stalk girls much younger(like newborns) for some hot Vamp non-sex.
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..."Vlad The Impaler".... Vlad Impaler who?.... . ."Say, could I borrow a stick of butter?...none of the other neighbo...[BANG! Door slams]." "Crisco? Half a cup of olive oil?...come on! [walks away dejectedly]".
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Truly, some of your finest work. The Jehovah's witness one had me LOL.
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it stinks
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...I know, I thought of that half way through and tried to think of a way to work it in.Maybe I chickened out because I didn't want to end up like HEY_Kobe...get my ass chewed out by Continentalop for the next fifteen hundred posts...Thanks Scary.
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Synopsis: A top-secret, international counter-espionage organization that tracks down evil super-criminals and then impales them.
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Synopsis: Harrison Ford is a depressed, alcoholic vampire in a dystopian future who tracks down rogues androids and then impales them.
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His Battle, his Bravery, His Bigotry.
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Win.
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Dec 08, 2009 10:31:54 AM CST
...Vlad The Impaler: Part Three Of Four Penetrating Installments
by flickapoo
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Stay classy, Wallachia.
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...MY KNOCK KNOCK JOKES!Respect.
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nice
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gay porn parody starry Will Smiff.
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...1 The impaling.2 The impaling. 3 The impaling. 4 The impaling. 5 The impaling. 6 The impaling. 7 The impaling. 8 The impaling. 9 The impaling. 10 The impaling.
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...1 The impaling.
2 The impaling.
3 The impaling.
4 The impaling.
5 The impaling.
6 The impaling.
7 The impaling.
8 The impaling.
9 The impaling.
10 That gay mustache. -
just ask the cunt.
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I feel dirty.
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...1 The impaling.
2 The impaling.
3 The impaling.
4 The impaling.
5 The impaling.
6 The impaling.
7 The impaling.
8 The impaling.
9 The impaling.
10 And that stupid fez he wears. The only thing worse than having a sharp stick up your ass is having it shoved there buy some douche in a fez. -
It was called Vampire$ and James Woods owned that one.
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with a stake.
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Dec 08, 2009 10:55:34 AM CST
Footrot Vlad's...A Vampires Tail/Tale
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 08, 2009 10:56:42 AM CST
Everything Vlad wanted to know about sex but was afraid
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
to ask....
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Dec 08, 2009 10:57:32 AM CST
Throw Vladdy's Momma From the Train
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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...TAKE THAT MOTHERIMPALERS!
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Dec 08, 2009 10:58:42 AM CST
We can get to no. 1. Go Vlad Go.....
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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nice
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...god, the possibilities with that one alone...
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oh, the irony
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...a proud, strong, independent Impaler American.
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..."so wait, the sharp end goes where?".
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..."THAT'S GROSS! MY PARENTS WOULD NEVER DO THAT!".
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Dec 08, 2009 11:05:10 AM CST
M. Night Shyamalan's The Vladdening
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
see, it's supposed to suck!
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Dec 08, 2009 11:05:46 AM CST
Vlad to School....with Rodney Dangerfield.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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..."well, sometimes, when a Mommy and a Daddy love each other VERY much..."
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Dec 08, 2009 11:07:34 AM CST
Nuthin but Trouble... Vlad plays the cock-nosed judge.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 08, 2009 11:11:29 AM CST
These jokes fail unless you provide a quick plot summary.
by royston lodge
Truly.
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Dec 08, 2009 11:12:36 AM CST
pumpin em' out to quick Lodge my boy...
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
thsi is the Twitter generation.
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Dec 08, 2009 11:12:38 AM CST
pumpin em' out too quick Lodge my boy...
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
thsi is the Twitter generation.
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..."if I impale myself too much, is it a sin? Will I really go blind?"
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Synopsis: Four young ingénues learn about love, life, and impaling thanks to a pike that they share over the course of one magic summer.
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...I'm confused about my urges, and my all this fucking black hair on my upper lip...
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Much better title.
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Dec 08, 2009 11:18:23 AM CST
Re:ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT'S ME VLAD ...hahahahaa
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 08, 2009 11:19:26 AM CST
Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Vlad Tepes
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Synopsis: A young Carpathian writer takes a job at a top fashion magazine and proceeds to impale everybody.
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Dec 08, 2009 11:20:41 AM CST
The Transylvanian Who Went Up a Hill But
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Came Down a Mountain
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...you know how she likes it...
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So obvious!
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Dec 08, 2009 11:21:41 AM CST
The Adventures of Vlad Tepes Across the 8th Dimension
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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with a stake
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Dec 08, 2009 11:22:26 AM CST
City Slickers II: The Legend of Vlad's Gold
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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...I can NEVER fall asleep with a greased pole up my ass...
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Dec 08, 2009 11:23:11 AM CST
To Vlad Tepes, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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up your ass
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A 20-something Capathian comic book artist falls in love with a lesbian and then impales her.
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Dec 08, 2009 11:24:12 AM CST
obviously..The Adventures of Vlad, Queen of the Desert
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 08, 2009 11:25:03 AM CST
Police Academy 5: Assignment: Transylvania
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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It practically writes itself!
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Dec 08, 2009 11:25:41 AM CST
TIM BURTON/JOHNNY DEPP/DARK SHADOWS SHOOTS NEXT FALL.....
by tehcreepythinman
This is the only good thing to come out of the recent Vampire craze. P.S. Jonathan Frid, who played vampire Barnabas Collins in the original TV show, was born and raised in my hometown of Hamilton, Ontario, Canada which is where Vincent Price co-starred in The Hilarious House of Frightenstein for Channel 11. http://www.firstshowing.net/2009/12/07/burton-and-depp-shooting-dark-shadows-starting-next-year/
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A young all-girl rock band from Riverdale (Romania) hit the big time and impale their fans.
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nobody impales Baby up the ass in the corner
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Dec 08, 2009 11:27:00 AM CST
Vlad :Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Glorious Nation of Transylvania
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Dec 08, 2009 11:28:23 AM CST
Stop the World: Vlad Wants to Get Off
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 08, 2009 11:28:49 AM CST
...I can't give proper credit where it's due fast enough...
by flickapoo
...these are killing me.
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A bitter-sweet tale, told out-of-sequence, about the ill-fated romance between an eccentric free-spirit and a Carpathian aristocrat with a pike.
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:30:55 AM CST
...I promised the kid we would play in the snow, no more...
by flickapoo
...impaling for a while.
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:30:58 AM CST
VLADDY'S DYIN'... WHO'S GOT THE WILL
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
...have to help PUSH us to first place.
-
with this stake up it
-
...yet.
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:36:14 AM CST
SOMETHING'S (LIKE YOUR ANUS) GOTTA GIVE...dude
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
...ow, that's too close to the truth...
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:37:49 AM CST
Don't Tell Vlad the Babysitters Dead.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
the dishes are done man...
-
The true story of how two Washington reporters broke the story of the Watergate burglary, unveiled the Carpathian aristocrat at the centre of the conspiracy, and were then found impaled in a D.C. park.
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:39:27 AM CST
SHIIIIT I gotta go. nearly there GO VLAD GO!!!!
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:40:33 AM CST
SHIT ON MY COCK : THE STORY OF VLAD THE IMPALER - PORNSTAR!
by tehcreepythinman
-
...later everyone.
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:41:52 AM CST
Whhooo , I saw us get there....Now I can die happy
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
nice
-
...it's so beautiful I could weep...
-
nice, Creepy
-
...BLACK...nothing. That's bad enough...
-
and then impaled
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:52:58 AM CST
TO IMPALE OR NOT TO IMPALE EITHER WAY YOU GONNA DIE MOTHERFUCKER
by tehcreepythinman
-
...to the truth for comfort. I love it.
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:56:36 AM CST
VLAD SCHINDLER – “I COULD HAVE IMPALED ONE MORE!!!”
by tehcreepythinman
-
Dec 08, 2009 11:58:51 AM CST
JULES FROM PULP FICTION - "YOU SENDING THE IMPALER?"
by tehcreepythinman
-
..a Pseudo autobiography of disco's The Village People.Real movie, look it up.
-
"They impaled on your fuckin rug, dude?"
"They impaled on my fuckin rug."
"That isn't right, dude." -
"They impaled on your fuckin rug, dude?"
"They impaled on my fuckin rug."
"That isn't right, dude." -
STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME A MIXED UP IMPALER
-
AND THE STAKE UP YOUR ASS!
-
...I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos..."
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:09:00 PM CST
MIDNIGHT IMPALER - "I'M IMPALING HERE, I'M IMPALING HERE!!!"
by tehcreepythinman
-
No synopsis required.
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:10:41 PM CST
VLAD GUMP - "LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF PIKES FOR IMPALING....."
by tehcreepythinman
"You never know how many can fit into each orifice".
-
and their subsequent impalings.
-
from getting impaled!
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:23:53 PM CST
Chicks with Impaling Instruments....
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:26:52 PM CST
V.I. Warshawski Vampire Private eye
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:28:09 PM CST
Agent Vlad Tepes 2: Destination London
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Bennie Blanco from the Bronx
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:41:15 PM CST
Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Impaler
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:42:59 PM CST
Garfield's A Tale of Two Kitties Being Impaled
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:43:01 PM CST
YOU FUCKING WITH VLAD THE IMPALER YOU FUCKIN WITH TE BEST!!!
by tehcreepythinman
YOU COCAROCHES!!!
-
..."ONLY ONE WAY IN, ONLY ONE WAY OUT"
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:45:41 PM CST
Tenacious V in The Impaling of Destiny
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:46:18 PM CST
"I'll stake you up the ass, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
by zombieheathledger
-
...he means EVERYONE...
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:47:27 PM CST
Santa Clause 3: The Impalement Clause
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:47:49 PM CST
"I feel the need. The need for speedily staking you up the ass!"
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:48:44 PM CST
"it's up the hole! It's up the hole! It's up the hole!"
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:49:54 PM CST
THIS TOWN IS LIKE ONE GIANT PUSSY WAITING TO GET IMPALED!
by tehcreepythinman
WITH MY COCK!!!
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:50:02 PM CST
"tell'em to go out there w/ all they got & impale 1 for the gipp
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:50:48 PM CST
'YOU LITTLE SCUMBAG, I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER, I'LL STAKE YOUR ASS!!
by tehcreepythinman
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:50:53 PM CST
Last one guys, gotta sleep....Vladatouille
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
g'night
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:51:51 PM CST
"oh, it wasn't the airplanes, it was the stake up the ass..."
by zombieheathledger
...the killed the beast.
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:53:39 PM CST
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I COULDA BEEN AN IMPALER, I COULDA HAD CL
by tehcreepythinman
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:54:47 PM CST
'I'M VLAD THE IMPALER" "NO, I'M VLAD THE IMPALER" "NO I AM"
by tehcreepythinman
-
Dec 08, 2009 12:58:12 PM CST
"I have always depended on the impalings of strangers."
by zombieheathledger
-
been done?
-
...wasn't enough...
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:01:15 PM CST
ZombieHeathLedger, I DID CHASING VLAD.....BYE FOR NOW
by tehcreepythinman
-
...now get back to it.
-
THANKYOU GEORGE WASHINGTON....GOODNIGHT!
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:04:32 PM CST
"Listen to them. Children of the sphincter. What sweet music the
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:06:46 PM CST
Francis Ford Coppala's Peggy Sue Got Impaled..
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:07:26 PM CST
"Get your stinking stake outta me, you damned dirty ape!"
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:07:49 PM CST
What' the Matter? CIA got you impaling too many pencils?
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:09:07 PM CST
"I am NOT trying 2 impale U.Would you like me 2 impale U?"
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:09:33 PM CST
"Asshole?" I'm not the one who just got impaled on national -
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
- tv Dwayne....
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:11:53 PM CST
..."pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight, if you stuck...
by flickapoo
...a greased impaling pole up his ass...in two weeks you would have a diamond."
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:11:54 PM CST
"To Impale your Enemies...To see them impaled before you
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
and to hear the impaling of the women"
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:12:04 PM CST
"Well, here's another nice anus you've gotten me into."
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:13:16 PM CST
Looks like he got that shirt off'n a impaled Chinee...
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
..., bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads...they all ADORE him"
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:13:42 PM CST
"anal impaling, for lack of a better word, is good."
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:14:06 PM CST
1.21 Vladdawatts....1.21 Vladdawatts!!!!
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
The family that TB's together stays together...
Can't wait to see how you explain all this to your kid, though.... -
Dec 08, 2009 1:14:55 PM CST
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies anally impaled."
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:15:40 PM CST
..."He'll keep callin' me.... he'll keep callin' me until I let
by flickapoo
...impale me...He'll make me feel guilty...THIS IS.... This is ridiculous, ok? I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go... wai.. I'll go... shit.
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:15:53 PM CST
"I AM big. It's the anal impalings that got small."
by zombieheathledger
-
...that impales together stays together".That was a close one...
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:17:51 PM CST
"Here's to you ...impalin my Dick OWW"
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:19:55 PM CST
"Don't you impale him, Samwise Gangee"
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:20:43 PM CST
finally over...gotta go lets see how high it can go
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:21:09 PM CST
"I coulda been somebody. Instead of an anal impaler which is wha
by zombieheathledger
-
... a hundred were made. My father spent three years restoring this INPALER. It is his love, it is his passion...
..it is his fault he didn't lock the gararge. -
Dec 08, 2009 1:24:53 PM CST
..."It's understanding that makes it possible for impalers...
by flickapoo
...like us to tolerate a person like yourself.
-
...here"Impaler: Anything is peaceful from one thousand, three hundred and fifty-three feet.
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:26:43 PM CST
"Alright, Mr. Tepes, I'm ready for my anal impalation."
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:27:23 PM CST
"What we've got here, is failure to anally violate."
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:30:22 PM CST
"Come with me, and you'll see, a world of anal violation."
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:32:26 PM CST
"U know how to impale dontcha Vlad? U just pull your cheeks and.
by zombieheathledger
-
"They were impalers dude?"
"Shut the fuck up Donny." -
"Do you enjoy sex, Mr. Tepes?"
"You mean impaling?" -
...that shit could go on for days...
-
"Look, let me explain something to you. I'm not Mr. Tepes. You're Mr. Tepes. I'm the Impaler. So that's what you call me. That or His Impaleness... or The Imp... or El Impalerino, if, you know, you're not into the whole brevity thing."
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:50:23 PM CST
...what are we going to impale. The question isn't "what...
by flickapoo
...are we going to impale"...the question is "what AREN'T we going to impale".
-
"What the fuck are you talking about? The Impaler is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, Impaler is not the preferred nomenclature. "Carpathian-American", please.
-
To impale.
-
...Vlad: "No problem whatsoever".
-
Dec 08, 2009 1:58:55 PM CST
..."There is an impaler - male, Carpathian, possibly armed...
by flickapoo
...certainly weird - in my kitchen"
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:00:17 PM CST
Who can forget this iconic dialogue from The Big Tepes...
by royston lodge
"Of course they were vampires, Donny; they were threatening to impale me! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong?"
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:02:36 PM CST
..."impaling?". "No, thank you, I'm straight." "I mean, are yo
by flickapoo
...in here for impaling?"."Why are you here?""Impaling".
-
God damn you Vlad! You fuckin' asshole! Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man! And what was all that shit about impaling? What the FUCK, has anything got to do with impaling? What the fuck are you talking about?
-
..., you guys would make me go to school."
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:11:03 PM CST
..."I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on...
by flickapoo
... Carpathian impaling. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not Carpathian, I don't plan on being Carpathian, so who gives a crap if they're impalers? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:13:06 PM CST
"For you, the day Vlad impaled your village was the most...
by jackknifed_juggernaut
important day of your life. But for Vlad... it was Tuesday."
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:13:16 PM CST
...and finally...VLAD: "Les jeus sont faites". Translation...
by flickapoo
...the jig is up. Your ass is mine.
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:15:43 PM CST
The only reason people like The Big Tepes is for the quotes.
by royston lodge
Will you come off it, Vlad? You're not even fucking Voivod, man.
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic...
What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
And you know this!
Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.
So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being a Voivod?
It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. Impaling Turks. You're living in the fucking past.
A thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Mercurius to Sandy Koufax... [shouting] You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past! -
...I was getting dizzy.
-
i Am VlAdOs I iMpAlE tHe PlAcE
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:21:36 PM CST
"Surely you're impaling.' "Yes,I am,and don't call me Shirley"
by zombieheathledger
-
It's a bunch of stakes from Mr. Impaler!
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:23:04 PM CST
"He's not the impaler that we need, he's the impaler we deserve.
by zombieheathledger
-
...guys like sex is because of breasts and vaginas". Or, "the only reason people like impaling is because of the penetration".
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:29:20 PM CST
..."Why would I save a world I no longer have any STAKE in?"
by flickapoo
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:30:15 PM CST
I'm just sayin, potheads quoting The Big Tepes all the time...
by royston lodge
Are these the vampires, Walter?
No, Donny, these men are Wallachian voivods. There's nothing to be afraid of. -
brewing beer for Imps since 1448.
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:36:28 PM CST
I just realized I quoted The Big Tepes wrong back there.
by royston lodge
The CORRECT quote is...
Maude: Do you enjoy impaling, Mr. Tepes?
Vlad: You mean coitus?
Boy, is my face red! I'm surprised the rest of you haters didn't call me on THAT mistake. -
Dec 08, 2009 2:38:16 PM CST
..."I don't trust this kid any farther than I can IMPALE him"...
by flickapoo
..."With your bad knee Vlad, you shouldn't impale anybody."
-
Dec 08, 2009 2:39:19 PM CST
Zombie, read eight posts down. from your referenced post, that i
by jackknifed_juggernaut
not this one... not sure there are even eight posts below currently. but if so, feel free to read that one too.
-
Man, if my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go impale herself.
-
Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die impaled on a 10 foot pike so that this fucking strumpet...
I don't see any connection to Wallachia, Vlad.
Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.
Vlad, face it, there isn't any connection. -
Weird to picture that guy sitting around the house working on a Dracula movie. I guess he had to kill time on set between takes of fucking hot chicks and fighting Ron Pearlman.
-
Right, junior brown, I don't picture hunnam as the writing type, but I wouldn't be surprised if he wrote it as a starring vehicle for himself. I guess he was on undeclared with Rogen and Apatow so maybe he learned some writing with them. Bottom line though, I'm tired of the vampire crap. I know this goes back to the source but I thought Pitt would have had some qualms about getting a vampire movie going.
-
..."Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with a girl who saw VLAD IMPALING PEOPLE at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious."
-
In an impaling kind of way.
-
In an insaling kind of way.
-
It's about Vlady getting to know the adoptive parents of the demon hellspawn he's carrying in his belly. He's being forced to give the hellspawn up because he's just too busy destroying the meek of the earth to epic levels. Or something like that... Already done? Apologies if so. This thread is just WAY too long to read now. lol
-
Dec 08, 2009 3:41:00 PM CST
...Jaka, there's a lot of filler, but there is some GOOD shit...
by flickapoo
...in here.
-
Dec 08, 2009 3:43:43 PM CST
...there will be a VLAD THE IMPALER: The Classic Impalings...
by flickapoo
...for the ten year anniversary."ten years of staking them high"
-
...But Was Afraid To Ask"...Vlad: "...so wait, where do BABIES come from then?"
-
= driving greased not-so-sharp poles thru' anuses of the POWs, erecting them for slide'm slow show!! Also, nailing hats on them Turkish ambassadors! What not! SO MUCH CREATIVE BLOODY FREEDOM!
-
Box office: $550 million!
-
Impalin' in the rain, Just impalin' in the rain! What a glorious feeling, I'm stakin' your ass! I'm rammin' it up, 'Til the point hits your skull...Oh hell yeah, baaaby, I'm ready for love! I can score this whole thing, just so you know. My momma raised me on classic Hollywood musicals.
-
Just a spoonful of sugar helps the greasy stake go down,The greasy stake go dow-own, Greasy stake go down...
-
Bill Cosby watches his family grow up from the next life, but struggles to communicate because of the stake thats been rammed up his ass and out of his mouth.
-
Dec 08, 2009 4:34:24 PM CST
...THE SOUND OF IMPALING. "the hiiiils are aliiiiiive with...
by flickapoo
...with the screams of impaled Tuuuurks..."And that Lonely Goatherd is in for long hard lesson.
-
Vlad: OVER THE LINE!
Smokey: Huh?
Vlad: I'm sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul.
Smokey: Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude.
Vlad: Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero and impale him with a 10 foot pike through his anus. Next frame.
Smokey: Bullshit, Vlad. Mark it 8, Dude.
Vlad: Smokey, this is not the Ottoman Empire. This is bowling. There are rules. -
In a hotel overlooking the Sea of Japan, six disparate stories inter-connect giving time a shape, like a series of liquid transparencies, one laid on top of another. Murder, sacrifice, betrayal, longing and impaling weave into a tapestry of souls remembering and forgetting.
-
...'cause only ONE thing tempts Vlad.
-
...and yes, most certainly in 3-D.
-
VLAD: How I Bled Your Mother.
VLAD: Dancing with the Scars.
VLAD: Stakentourage.
VLAD: CSI Carpathia.
VLAD: Ain't It Bloody News.
VLAD: Top Gore.
VLAD: The i Word.
VLAD: Decapitated Housewives.
VLAD: South Argh!
VLAD: Glee.
VLAD: Grates Anatomy...
VLAD: Daze of Our Knives.
VLAD: The Orifice.
VLAD: Fringe.
VLAD: Tollhouse.
VLAD: Nip/Tuck/Puncture.
VLAD: The Amazing Rapes.
VLAD: Ugly Betting.
VLAD: Doctor Boohoo.
VLAD: Mad Men.
VLAD: Keeping Up with the Slashnsmashians.
VLAD: Cold Gays.
VLAD: CystBusters.
VLAD: Saturday Night Evil.
VLAD: Extreme Makeover: Amputee Edition.
VLAD: Hung(ary).
VLAD: Project Run Away!
VLAD: Bothers & Blisters.
VLAD: Beastwig.
VLAD: Bones.
VLAD: Wallachian Idol.
VLAD: King of the Ill.
VLAD: FuckUrama.
VLAD: Turdgate Takethis.
VLAD: TossIt Girl.
VLAD: The Limpsons.
VLAD: The Big Hang Practice.
VLAD: Maulville.
VLAD: Two and A Half Men.
VLAD: It's Always Funny In...
-
A Big Shark. Lorenzo Lamas. A 200ft long greased pole. TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION.
-
Dec 08, 2009 4:48:57 PM CST
...Re: "VLAD: So You Think You Can Impale!". Only if it has...
by flickapoo
...that crazy screaming judge lady.
-
...of a post....that is some top shelf impaling right there.You really need to post those individually for the world to see though...and get us to 1000.Respect.
-
Four women struggle with life, love and impaling in a man's world. Featuring Whitney Houston's smash hit "Don't need no mans stake in my orifice."
-
How was the paragraph mark, again [/p]
-
..., but with no spaces. But most of those need to be their own headline and individual post.
-
the sequel to the porn NAILIN PAILIN
-
Dec 08, 2009 5:02:31 PM CST
...Re: "VLAD: Project Run Away!"...everyone except Tim Gunn...
by flickapoo
...because...you know, well...Who am I kidding, I love that guy...
-
Dec 08, 2009 5:04:59 PM CST
The ending of The Big Ţepeş always brings a tear to my eye.
by royston lodge
Vlad was a good impaler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and slowly impaling Turks with a blunt greased pole through their anus and out their mouth; And as a surfer he explored the beaches of South-Eastern Dobrogea, from Mangalia to Tuzla to Constanta and... up to... Enisala. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Moldavia, at Bucovina, at Muntenia. These young men gave their lives. And so would Vlad. Vlad, who loved slowly impaling Turks with a blunt greased pole through their anus and out their mouth. And so, Vlad III Ţepeş, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains (all except for your head, which is on public display in Constantinople) to the bosom of the Black Sea, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.
-
Dec 08, 2009 5:05:00 PM CST
...LimpDick..."VLAD: How I Bled Your Mother"? Post this stuff..
by flickapoo
...you owe it to yourself.
-
VLAD: The Amazing Rapes
VLAD: Keeping Up with the Slashnsmashians
VLAD: Extreme Makeover: Amputee Edition
VLAD: Project Run Away!
VLAD: Wallachian Idol
-
VLAD: The Amazing RapesVLAD: Keeping Up with the SlashnsmashiansVLAD: Extreme Makeover: Amputee EditionVLAD: Project Run Away!VLAD: Wallachian Idol
-
on this motherfuckin' PLANE!
-
"If you impale us, do we not bleed?"
-
That's why the pole was greased and not-too-sharp. Otherwise the victim woulda bled too much and died too quickly.
Praise be upon Wikipedia. -
VLAD: Stakentourage
VLAD: Decapitated HousewivesVLAD: Daze of Our KnivesVLAD: Ugly Betting.VLAD: Toss It GirlVLAD: Maulville
-
Dec 08, 2009 5:14:14 PM CST
I can't believe no one has given me props for Impalin' in the Ra
by scarywaitress
Come ON. I even had lyrics! NO ONE else thought of that.
-
. . . since it's so important to you, your patented, coveted, official Royston Lodge No-Prize is in the mail.
-
Dec 08, 2009 5:16:55 PM CST
"All you do is eat our food and impale our Mother!"
by zombieheathledger
food eater! mother impaler!
-
VLAD: Nip/Tuck/PunctureVLAD: Hung(ary)VLAD: Grates Anatomy...
-
VLAD: Top GoreVLAD: CystBustersVLAD: Ain't It Bloody News
-
You and I can go up and give our acceptance speech together.
-
...charging down the hill to save the day at Helm's Deep.Just as my sword arm had grown heavy...and all hope was lost...
-
Jean Claude Van Damme gets impaled. Twice.
-
VLAD: The OrificeVLAD: It's Always Funny In...
VLAD: Doctor Boohoo
VLAD: Bothers & Blisters -
That's that.
-
"There's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.' "I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant a stake up your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a motherfucker 'fore I rammed a greasy pole in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think different. See, now I'm thinking, maybe it means you're the impaler, and I'm the righteous man, and Mr Greasy Pole here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or, it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and the world is going to ram a stake up my ass. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is, you're the weak, and I'm the guy with the pole, 'bout to ram it up your ass and into your brain. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd.
-
Brad, bring it on!!
-
That should happen anyway. Van Damme needs a greased-pole colonoscopy.That's not right.
-
...and it almost made me shoot my scotch out my nose! ROTFLMMFAO!!!
-
Tarantino SHOULD do an action dracula! But Vlad, maybe nut.
-
Synopsis: After a weekend of emotional honesty at an Esalen-style retreat, Los Angeles sophisticates Bob and Carol Sanders (played by Robert Culp and Natalie Wood) return to their life determined to embrace free love and complete openness. Bob and Carol happily reveal their ensuing love affairs to everyone, sparking both the curiosity and repulsion of their more conservative close friends Vlad and Alice Ţepeş (Elliott Gould and Dyan Cannon), who proceed to slowly impale them with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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which is rare, cuz puns and wordplays are quite a cheap fun most ot time. But it's all good, even when bad, better than nun at all.
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. . . the phrase, "proceeds to slowly impale him/her/them with a blunt greasy pole through the anus and out the mouth," would enter the TB lexicon alongside phrases like "ass2ass" and "Total Fucking Destruction".
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Actually, "through the anus and out the mouth" sounds like teachings of some nasty Zen master!Or something the Bard from Stakeford-upon-Avon would post, if lived today, and talkbacked - and if one Royston Lodge did not utter it fistr!
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Battlefield be our disco floor!
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One blunt greased pole to rule them all, one blunt greased pole to find them,
One blunt greased pole to bring them all and in the darkness impale them through the anus and out the mouth. -
Dec 08, 2009 6:40:57 PM CST
Over? Was it over when the Wallachians impaled Pearly Harbor?
by zombieheathledger
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Starring Timothy Dalton.
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Starring Roger Moore.
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Everybody respects the blunt greased pole.
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Live long and impale.
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Dec 08, 2009 6:59:47 PM CST
"Losers whine about their best. Winners impale the prom queen."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 08, 2009 7:01:22 PM CST
"Now you see that impaling will always triumph, 'coz good is dum
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 08, 2009 7:02:57 PM CST
"I've come here to chew bubble gum and impale ass!"
by zombieheathledger
And I'm all out of chewing gum!
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"That's no moon, that's an anus."
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Dec 08, 2009 7:09:03 PM CST
"This is what happens when you impale a stranger in the ass!"
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 08, 2009 7:11:15 PM CST
..."where is your blunt greasy pole?". "Between two pillows"...
by flickapoo
..."THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS!!"
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Dec 08, 2009 7:21:42 PM CST
...IMPALE ANYTHING "What I really want to do with my life...
by flickapoo
...what I want to do for a living - is I want to IMPALE your daughter Sir. I'm good at it."
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Dec 08, 2009 7:24:16 PM CST
'I impaled his ass with some fatha beans and a nice chianti."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 08, 2009 7:41:58 PM CST
"No. Try not. Impale...or impale not. There is no try."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 08, 2009 8:03:28 PM CST
...if Mrs. FlickaPoo comes home and finds an impaled body...
by flickapoo
...in her house, or FlickaPoo posting about IMPALED bodies, I'm gonna get divorced! All right? No marriage counseling, no trial separation, I'm going to get fucking divorced, okay? And I don't want to get fucking divorced! Now VLAD, you know, fuck, I wanna help you, but I don't want to lose my wife doing it, all right?
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I think how I heard it was that when he invited these poor people in, he killed them each, one by one, in front of everyone...or had them killed in front of him and everyone while he continued to eat his meal...
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Dec 09, 2009 12:30:54 AM CST
"Do you see a sign on my lawn that sez "Impaled Nigger Storage"?
by zombieheathledger
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"JANET!" "VLAD!" "DR SCOTT!" "ROCKY!"
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The story of Bradgelina
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Dec 09, 2009 7:06:03 AM CST
Abbott & Costello Impale Frankenstein
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Impaling someone through the ass and out of the mouth is like a box of chocolates....Ya never know what ya gonna get....
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Dec 09, 2009 7:28:05 AM CST
Rebel Without a Impaling Instrument...
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Rosebud!
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always thirsty...
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Dec 09, 2009 7:32:55 AM CST
Monty Python and the Holy Impalement..
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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"I'm sorry I impaled your ass.." "All the times you impaled my ass??"
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"That's not an Impalement..."
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Dec 09, 2009 7:41:49 AM CST
A Funny Impalement Happened on the Way to the Forum
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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thats gotta hurt...
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Dec 09, 2009 7:48:27 AM CST
Thunderbolt and Lightfoot and Vlad.....
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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AND LEARNED TO IMPALE THE BOMB
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Dec 09, 2009 9:21:27 AM CST
An American Tail 3: The Impalement of Manhattan Island
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Wherein the mighty Warrior Vlad Tepes discovers he has a knack for slam-dunks!
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Vlad is a kitten, Otis is a dog. When Vlad gets into a small box with the intention of taking a trip down a river, Otis follows. En route, the friends encounter bad weather, life-threatening situations, and even potential mates.
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Vlad is a kitten, Otis is a dog. When Vlad gets into a small box with the intention of taking a trip down a river, Otis follows. En route, the friends encounter bad weather, life-threatening situations, and even potential mates.
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Vlad is a kitten, Otis is a dog. When Vlad gets into a small box with the intention of taking a trip down a river, Otis follows. En route, the friends encounter bad weather, life-threatening situations, and even potential mates.
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starring Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas as Doc Holliday.
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Dec 09, 2009 9:29:37 AM CST
A tremor in my anus.The last time I felt it was in the impaling
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 9:31:45 AM CST
Don't try to frighten us with your impaling ways, Lord Tepes.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 9:33:20 AM CST
Your father's anal stake. This is the weapon of a Voivod.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 9:39:48 AM CST
Do U know what's goin on? Maybe it's another impaling.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 9:42:47 AM CST
That's 'cause droids don't impale people's anusses when they los
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 9:50:11 AM CST
"The quest for the Impaled, is not archeology...its a race -
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
- against evil...
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Dec 09, 2009 9:51:00 AM CST
You impale quickly Dr Jones, you are just like your father.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 09, 2009 9:51:48 AM CST
We'll have to impale them ass to ass. Get the crews...
by zombieheathledger
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Too small for the two of us...
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Dec 09, 2009 9:56:39 AM CST
Mommy always said there were no impalings, no real ones
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
but there are aren't there....
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...gets randy.
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The only question is how you check out...Do you want it on your feet? Or on your fucking knees? Begging? Now I ain't much for begging, nobody ever gave me nuthin. So I say fuck that thing....Let's Impale it!
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Dec 09, 2009 10:01:13 AM CST
Vlad has a beer and Impales on his Wife!!!!!!!!
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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...interest you in five, yes, FIVE magazine subscriptions for the low low price of..........OH GOD, IT HUUUUUUUURTS....MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOP.....AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
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Dec 09, 2009 10:16:28 AM CST
implaing women gives you CHOCOLATE COVERED PUSSYJUICE
by zombieheathledger
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...I'm speechless.
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Written by Charlie Kaufman, the story of how an AICN talkback went thermonuclear-epic... Fucking awesome work, people.... I'm pissing my pants with laughter...
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Dec 09, 2009 11:45:57 AM CST
AVATAR...IMPALING OUR EYEBALLS THIS DEC.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 09, 2009 11:46:48 AM CST
I Am Vlad....Vlad goes full retard....
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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My dear old impaled swannyyyyy....
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Dec 09, 2009 11:52:40 AM CST
When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac -
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
grabs your neck, impales the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is being impaled."
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I says, "Honey, I never impale faster than I can see. Besides that, it's all in the reflexes."
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Dec 09, 2009 11:55:33 AM CST
Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
when the earth is impaled, and the poison stakes fall from the sky, and the anuses of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, "Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it."
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Dec 09, 2009 11:56:56 AM CST
All I know is, this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires impaling everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for me to impale my stake straight through him with *light* coming out of his mouth!
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Dec 09, 2009 12:01:16 PM CST
"Can see things no one else can see.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Do things no one else can do."
"Real things?" "As real as Lo Pan!" Hey, what more can a guy ask for?" "Oh, the six-demon Impaler!" "Terrific, a six-demon Impaler. Sensational. What's in it, Egg?" "Anuses, cocks, all that kind of thing!"
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You have come a long ways to find me. But it is too late. There are two girls with green eyes, and I will Impale them both. And then I will impale Gracie Law through the ass and out the mouth to appease my emperor and live out my earthly impalings with Miao Yin.
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Dec 09, 2009 12:08:12 PM CST
Oh, that's great, Riggs. Ha ha. That's great.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Well, you know what I say? They IMPALE you at the hospital! First they drug you, then they IMPALE you! And when they're done IMPALING you, along comes the insurance company and IMPALES you some more! Ten dollars for a IMPALING aspirin...
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I hope it's over a thousand when I return.....
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Starring Eddie Murphy! (Hey, he made Vampire In Brooklyn)
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Dec 09, 2009 12:54:22 PM CST
...HarryCalder, you're good for a couple hundred of these...
by flickapoo
...I'm sure of it. Saddle up.
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...ah, ts, ts, push it...push it reeeal goood...
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...my bluntgreasypole don't want none unless you got buns, HUN!
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Dec 09, 2009 1:03:55 PM CST
...Vlad The Impaler is convinced that if you get a guy drunk...
by flickapoo
...enough he'll get into it.Vlad is wrong.
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...forgive me for any unintentional repeats... Man, you have all set the bar so high...
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...of a prolapse in judgment...
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Dec 09, 2009 1:09:08 PM CST
...I've heard that impaling isn't about sex. It's about violenc
by flickapoo
...and control.No means no.
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...just to push the post count up one more...
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Dec 09, 2009 1:24:14 PM CST
...and I'd rather be impaled than hear the real Dreamweaver...
by flickapoo
...one more time.College roommate from hell...
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...the post before you push it, even if just once more.
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Dec 09, 2009 1:26:47 PM CST
LOL, believe it or not, I once owned that Gary Wright album...
by harrycalder
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Chivalrous post-pushing is a dying art...
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"Reamboat Willie"
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...Vlad can be sooo serious.
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...a "spunky" sidekick...
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Dec 09, 2009 1:39:26 PM CST
Vlad the Impaler in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor...
by harrycalder
...Reamcoat."
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...fortunately the impaled tend to be a long suffering breed...
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...I Had Too Much To Ream (Last Night).Real song, real band...believe it or not.
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...even if I'm not a huge fan of his music...
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...Carey, as only she can perform it.I hear it's a real crowd pleaser ...
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Yes. I want to see that. Very much.
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with Vlad in "Ream 4"
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"Kicking and Reaming"
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"Ream Blacula Ream"
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...[talkbacker hangs his head in shame].
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...I think there's more joke to be had there...it isn't coming to me...
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...back later, if I haven't been fired... keep on keeping on, good sir!
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...this is fucking ridiculous.Any one of us could totally be the new Senior Carpathian Correspondent.
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Dec 09, 2009 2:20:46 PM CST
...Re: "food break". It's imperative that I take a "work break"
by flickapoo
...asap.
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...living the ream, baby!
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...I'm your ream... I'm your eyes... I'm your pain...You know it's sad but true...
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...I'd "vladmonish" us to continue...
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Tha Ream Po-leece, they're inside of my head, tha Ream Po-leece, they're inside of my bed, tha Ream Po-leece, they're coming to impale me, oh, noooooo!
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...this started. It's like a disease.I might have to take a little AICN break after this whole thing is over...
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Thank god my boss is out at an offsite meeting...
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...it's all about having a positive Vladitude... 998...
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...trying to steal our thunder...Hey George Lucas, come over here...just for a second...
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...I'm Vladdicted to this thread...
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...I don't suppose you caught my early knock knock jokes?I was so very proud of them...it was pitiful.
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...were stellar! Loved the Jehovah's Witnesses one... Be proud, indeed! Seriously, this thread made me laugh out loud, hard, more than any other in recent memory.
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...or I really will get fired. Fuck the bogus Star Wars news... Till next time, amigo!
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...well, I was secretly hoping someone would. It's like a long, greasy, blunt, message in a bottle...you just, watch it float away...
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...there's no way I can hide this mess.I'm fucked. (actually, she laughed till she cried)
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Dec 09, 2009 3:17:09 PM CST
...very last one: So I heard Lindsay Lohan went out with Vlad..
by flickapoo
...The Impaler once...They had a nice time.
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Dec 09, 2009 4:13:16 PM CST
"Is this testing whether I'm an impaler or a lesbian?"
by zombieheathledger
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...take a bow sir.
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Dec 09, 2009 4:20:52 PM CST
Tepes had told me Rachael was special.No impaling date
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 4:21:00 PM CST
...I just saw Nomoredirty's "impaling your eyeballs" post...
by flickapoo
...right under our noses all this time and never even thought of it.Nice.
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Dec 09, 2009 4:22:28 PM CST
I watched stakes glitter in the anus near the Tannhauser gate
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 4:25:39 PM CST
empathy test?Sphincter dilation of the so-called impaled respons
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 4:29:19 PM CST
Zora.She's trained for an Off-World kick anal impaling squad
by zombieheathledger
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...in a row, wants to be a player." "There ought to be a picture of you in the dictionary under persistence kid."
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... who gets the job done."And sometimes it's the REALLY unpopular person who gets the job done...
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Dec 09, 2009 4:32:52 PM CST
"Gosh, you've... really got some nice greased, sharp stakes here
by zombieheathledger
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They go up.
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They go up.
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We're somewhere in the teens.
Well, let me know when we get to twenty. I'm going to impale you with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth. -
Hey man, I don't wanna rain on your parade, but we're not gonna last seventeen HOURS! Those things are gonna come in here just like they did before. And they're gonna come in here, and they're gonna come in here, and they're gonna impale us with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth!
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...shhh, I'm not really here.
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You just impaled the invisible swordsman with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth!
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You will, therefore, be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the Pit of Carkoon, where you will be impaled over a thousand years with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig, does whatever a Spider-Pig can,
Can he impale with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth?
No he can't, he's a pig. -
I'm afraid I can't do that Dave. This mission is too important for me to allow you to follow through on your plan to impale me with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human... sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could impale him with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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...They IMPALE YOU at the drive-thru!" "They know you're gonna be six feet in the air on a blunt greasy pole before you find out you got impaled!"
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3 billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to impale the leader of the human resistance, John Connor, my son, with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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The Voivod Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Voivod begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to impale it with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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Dec 09, 2009 6:10:05 PM CST
Oh really? That sounds like an invitation to keep going!
by royston lodge
Watching John with the machine, it was suddenly so clear. The terminator wouldn't stop, it would never leave him. It would never hurt him or shout at him or get drunk and impale him with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth or say it was too busy to spend time with him. And it would die to protect him. Of all the would-be fathers that came over the years, this thing, this machine, was the only thing that measured up. In an insane world, it was the sanest choice.
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...appendage machines that don't feel pain, or fear, and will never stop? EVER?
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...a cross between T-800 and a giant version of those "thumpers" from DUNE.Shudder...
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...no means no...Not "maybe" after two or three more drinks and after you pay for dinner...
-
The Terminator: Yes, Throw it in.
John Connor: Adios!
The Terminator: And the chip.
Sarah Connor: It's over.
The Terminator: No. There is one more chip.
[points to head where chip is located]
The Terminator: and it must be destroyed, also.
John Connor: No! You can't go! You can't go! No, stay with us it will be ok.
The Terminator: It has to end here.
John Connor: I order you not to go. I order you not to go, I ORDER YOU NOT TO GO!
[John starts to cry]
The Terminator: I know now why you cry,
[terminator wipes johns tear]
The Terminator: but it is something I can never do.
[Gives blunt greased pole to Sarah]
The Terminator: Here. I cannot self-terminate. You must impale me with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
[Sarah impales him with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth]
The Terminator: Good-bye. -
My bad.
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...will be to copy Sarah Connor and to wait for you to make contact with her.
Great, but what happens to her? Typically, the subject being copied is impaled with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
Shit! Why didn't you tell me? We gotta go right now!
Negative. She's not a mission priority. -
this has been the most consistently funny TB ever.
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Dec 09, 2009 8:20:25 PM CST
Come Dorothy, You don't want any of those greased stakes.
by zombieheathledger
Apple Tree: Are you hinting my greased stakes aren't what they ought to be?
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Dec 09, 2009 8:24:15 PM CST
Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Wallachia any more.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 8:25:18 PM CST
Pay no attention to that anally impaled man behind the curtain.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 8:26:28 PM CST
Who killed my sister?Who anally impaled the Witch of the East?
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 8:29:41 PM CST
I'm not afraid of her.I'm not afraid of anything,except a grease
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 8:31:31 PM CST
I'm afraid there's no denyin' / I'm just an anal impaler
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 8:33:04 PM CST
Now I know I have an impaled ass, because it's breaking
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 09, 2009 8:35:42 PM CST
Read what my anusl says: "impaled". Ain't it the truth?
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 8:36:29 PM CST
It could be impalation with a greased poled through the anus and
by royston lodge
It's NEVER impalation with a greased pole through the anus and through the mouth...
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Dec 09, 2009 8:39:17 PM CST
How could little girl like you impale my beautiful ass?
by zombieheathledger
-
No Mr. Bond I expect you to be impaled with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth!
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. . . we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs to be impaled with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth! Tweeeet!!!
-
. . . the Joker told you to impale me with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth as soon as we loaded the cash.
No, no, I impale the bus driver with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
Bus driver? What bus driver?
[a school bus with a blunt greased pole attached to its rear bumper drives through the wall and impales the bank robber though the anus and out the mouth] -
You hammered them. And in their desperation they turned to a man they didn't fully understand. Some men aren't looking for anything logical. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world impaled with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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My father was....a drinker. And a fiend. And one night he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the blunt greased pole to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he impales her with the blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth, laughing while he does it. Turns to me and he says "Why so serious?" Comes at me with the blunt greased pole, "Why so serious?" He impales me with the blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth ... and ... Why so serious?
-
I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, impaled with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth, briefed, debriefed, or numbered! My life is my own.
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...we will push back...WITH A LONG, BLUNT, GREASY POLE!
-
I know what impales you!
-
He will carry that greased spike the rest of his life.
-
Dec 09, 2009 11:38:40 PM CST
I swear to you I will not let the Pink Sphincter fall
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 11:41:17 PM CST
Ipity Bilbo didn't anally impale him when he had the chance.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 11:43:04 PM CST
Against the power of anal impalings there can be no victory.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 11:47:05 PM CST
The Quest stands upon the edge of a greased anal stake.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 09, 2009 11:54:58 PM CST
Your love of impaling the halfings' ass has clearly slowed your
by zombieheathledger
-
Dec 09, 2009 11:59:14 PM CST
you are full of greased anal stakes Master Baggins
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 12:02:13 AM CST
One stake is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man!
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 12:03:25 AM CST
Have you ran out of those nice greased anal stakes?
by zombieheathledger
-
Well, there's no way I'll be reading through this entire TB to see if this has been posted yet, but here's my gift to you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glNuQiE77E
-
Thank you guys, professional work.
-
"If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit impaling ... you will be a ass-impaling weapon, you will be a minister of death by impalement through the ass and out the mouth, praying for war. But until that day you are pukes! You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings worthy of impaling! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of impaled amphibian shit! Because I am hard like an impaling implement, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn about impaling through anuses and out of the oral orifice. I am hard, but I am fair! There is no racial bigotry here! I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally not impale-worthy! And my orders are to weed out all non anus-bludgerers who do not pack the gear to impale asses in my beloved Corps! Do you maggots understand that?"
-
Dec 10, 2009 6:24:55 AM CST
Full Metal Impalement continued.......
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed
impaled-ass cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death-by-impaling warrant? Nobody, huh?! The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fucking-standing! I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk up through the impalement implement and your mouth is vomiting from lactose intolerance.
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Dec 10, 2009 6:40:08 AM CST
Full Metal Impalement Revolutions.......
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
"Well ...no shit. What have we got here, a fucking comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come
over to my house and impale my sister!"
-
Dec 10, 2009 6:42:51 AM CST
Full Metal Impalement 4: The Return of Michal Myers...
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would impale a person in the ass and out the mouth and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around! I'll be watching you!
-
Dec 10, 2009 6:43:31 AM CST
Full Metal Impalement 5 : ASSignment Miami Beach
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 10, 2009 6:57:18 AM CST
Full Metal Impalement 5 : ASSignment Miami Beach redux
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
"Tonight ... you pukes will sleep with your rifles! You will give your rifle a girl's name! Because this is the only pussy you people are going to get! Your days of finger-impaling old Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties, up her ass and out her mouth are over! You're married to this piece, this weapon of iron and wood! And you will be faithful! Port ... hut! Prepare to impale! IMPALE!"
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Dec 10, 2009 7:01:07 AM CST
Full Metal Impalement 6 : Jason Lives
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
"Ten fucking seconds! It should
take you no more than ten fucking seconds to negotiate this impalement! Quickly, move it out! There ain't one swinging dick
private in this platoon's gonna graduate until they can get this impalement down to less than ten fucking seconds!"
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Dec 10, 2009 7:05:56 AM CST
Wes Craven's New Full Metal Impalement
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
"Quickly! Get your fat impaled ass over there, Private Pyle! Oh, that's right, Private Pyle ... don't make any fucking effort to get to the top of the fucking impaling spike! If God wanted you up there He would have miracled your reamed ass up there by
now, wouldn't He?"
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"Impale! Impale, Pyle, impale! One impalement, Pyle! Come on, impale! You gotta be shitting me, Pyle! Get
your pole-raped ass up there! Do you mean to tell me that you cannot do one single impalement?"
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Dec 10, 2009 7:16:03 AM CST
I'm ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate badass!
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
State of the Impalement art! You do NOT wanna fuck with me. Check it out! Hey Ripley, don't worry. Me and my squad of ultimate impaleing badasses will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Vwap! Impale half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic anus breakers! We got nukes for impaling, we got knives, sharp sticks...
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..."Vlad"...
. Vlad who? "Aren't you Vlad we didn't come to the StAKEhouse?"
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Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll impale the anal passage of this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond impalin' bluegills and tommycods up the ass and through the mouth. This shark, swallow you whole. Little impalin', little tenderizin', an' down you go all the way to it's ass like a reverse-impalement. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your impaling on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my un-impaled anus a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, impale him, ream him and kill him, for ten.
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Far superior to even my own The Big Tepes crapola.
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Dec 10, 2009 9:05:25 AM CST
...Yack, Vlad The Impaler doesn't mind fat Gothic chicks...
by flickapoo
...they just require the heavy duty blunt pole and a little more grease...
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...Huffingtonpost link: http://tinyurl.com/yla9vm4 Vlad has a some blunt words for that janitor...
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Dec 10, 2009 10:09:38 AM CST
What, it's ok for emo vampires to hit the underage poon...
by royston lodge
...but it's not ok for teachers? Talk about your double-standards!
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Ah come on, Adrian, it's true. I was nobody. But that don't matter either, you know? 'Cause I was thinkin', it really don't matter if I lose this fight. It really don't matter if this guy opens my ass to my mouth with a greased spike, either. 'Cause all I wanna do is go the distance. Nobody's ever gone the distance with Creed, and if I can go that distance, you see, and that bell rings and I'm still not impaled up the rectum with my intestines hanging from my mouth', I'm gonna know for the first time in my life, see, that I weren't just another bum from the neighborhood.
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...impaled. In fact, he would be impaled right away.He just wanted to be the first guy to go the full distance without the blunt greasy pole coming out his mouth.It's all about LOTS of ab work.
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"Hey Rock. It's three in the morning. I went up to your house there and they told me you was here. It's a 3:00am kid. You know that Adrian, she's a good girl. Me, you know I'm sorry for both of ya. There's nothing I can do about it. Except uh I wanna tell you this once and then uh I ain't gonna say it again. But Rock you got another shot. This is the second shot. At uh I don't know the biggest title in the world, and you're gonna be swappin' greasy spiked poles with, with the most dangerous impaler in the world. And just in case you know your brain ain't workin' so good. All this happens pretty soon and you ain't ready. You know you're no where near in shape. So I say for God's sake. Why don't you stand up and ream this guy's arse HARD? Like you done before that was beautiful! But don't lay down like this! Like uh I don't know like some kind of mongrel or something. Cause he's gonna impale your sphincter in pieces! That's right! This guy doesn't just wanna win you know, he wants to bury ya, he wants to humiliate ya, he wants to prove to the whole world that you was nothin but some kind of un-impaleable freak the first time out. He said you were a one time lucky bum! Well now I don't wanna get mad in a biblical place like this. But I think you're a hell of a lot more than that kid! A hell of a lot! But now wait a minute if you wanna blow this greased spike if you wanna blow it then damn it I'm gonna blow it with ya. If you wanna stay here I'll stay with ya. I stay with ya. I'll stay and pray. What do I got to lose?"
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Dec 10, 2009 10:24:59 AM CST
flickapoo, how did ya like Full Metal Impalement
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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...but he gets it back again when Adrian reminds him what's at STAKE.
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Dec 10, 2009 10:33:35 AM CST
...VL-ALIEN: impaled in space, no one can hear you scream.
by flickapoo
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Dec 10, 2009 10:40:58 AM CST
...VLALKYRIE. His generals try to ASSassinate Vlad with...
by flickapoo
...a dirty bomb.Tried and failed.They came to a blunt and greasy end.
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You don't seem to want to accept the fact you're dealing with an expert in Impalement warfare, with a man who's the best, with guns, with knives, with his bare hands. A man who's been trained to ignore pain, ignore weather, to live off the land, to impale enough infants that it would make an inquisitionist puke. In Vietnam his job was to slowly impale enemy personnel. To kill! Period! Win by impaling. Well Rambo was the best.
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Rambo: You should give it to them. They impaled it more.
Trautman: You don't belong here why don't you come back with me? Rambo: Back to what? My friends were impaled through the ass and out the mouth here, let me be greasily impaled here. Trautman: The war, the whole conflict may have been wrong but damn it don't anally violate your country for it. Rambo: You mean Impale? I'd die for it. Trautman: Then what is it you want? Rambo: I want, what they want, and every other guy who came over here and impaled his guts and gave everything he had, wants! For our country to love us as much as we love it! That's what I want! Trautman: How will you live, John? Rambo: Impalement by Impalement.
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Mousa: [as Rambo prepares to play Afghan game 'buzkashi'] God must love impaling people.
Rambo: [getting on horse] Why?
Mousa: He impales so many of them! [laughs]
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Dec 10, 2009 11:12:28 AM CST
...in VLAD IV Vlad must face a phisically superior Russian...
by flickapoo
...and no stranger to impaling. The Russian stands 6 ft. 5 in. and weighs 261 pounds.He has IMPALING power of 1850 to 2150 psi.Vlad ultimately prevails thanks to superior IMPALING spirit and sheer GUTS.
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All right, impaled pussy, impaled pussy, impaled pussy! Come on in impaled pussy lovers! Here at the Titty Twister we're slashing impaled pussy in half! Give us an offer on our vast selection of grease-pole impaled pussy, this is a violated pussy blow out! All right, we got white impaled pussy, black impaled pussy, Spanish impaled pussy, yellow impaled pussy, we got hot impaled pussy, cold impaled pussy, we got wet impaled pussy, we got [SNIFF] smelly impaled pussy, we got hairy impaled pussy, bloody impaled pussy, we got snappin' impaled pussy, we got silk impaled pussy, velvet impaled pussy, Naugahyde impaled pussy, we even got impaled horse pussy, impaled dog pussy, impaled chicken pussy! Come on, you want violated-beyond-belief pussy, come on in, masecrated pussy lovers! If we don't got it, you don't want it! Come on in, destroyed pussy lovers!
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During this fight, I've seen a lot of impaling, in the way you impale me, and in the way I impale you. In here, there were two guys impaling each other through the back-fanny, but I guess that's better than twenty million. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can impale, and you can impale, everybody can impale!
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Dec 10, 2009 11:20:24 AM CST
...East/West reconciliation and understanding through impaling?
by flickapoo
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Hey Adrian I know where we live, what do you think, I'm stupid? I'm not as dumb as you think I am. You don't think I can smell it? I see where we are. Adrian, I don't want this no more! I want something good for the family, I don't want this! I don't want this! Adrian did I come back here and get my anus bled out and my mouth tasting like excrement for these guys to say 'Hey there goes Balboa just another bum from the neighborhood!' I didn't want this....
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...a young, beefy, promising up and coming impaler.This young wonder-impaler turns out to be quite a douche (like impaling, but not the same thing).Vlad eventually learns to live with being a Senior Impaler and regains his dignity and self respect...eventually goes on to Impale again.
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I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best impaler in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you impale, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the bleeding assholes of the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a greasy stake in your ass and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all impalings and tongues covered in their own fecal matter. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will greasily impale you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna ream your anal passage as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya impale. It's about how hard you can get impaled and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!
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Dec 10, 2009 11:40:23 AM CST
...I'm getting a blister from this impaling pole. I think Vlad.
by flickapoo
...must have worn leather work gloves or something.Be back later.
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Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, impaling people through the ass and out the mouth, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
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Dec 10, 2009 11:47:46 AM CST
...yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...wait, what was that last one?
by flickapoo
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Dec 10, 2009 11:49:46 AM CST
Alice, I'm going to ask you a couple of standard questions,
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
okay? Have you or any of your family been diagnosed schizophrenic? Mentally incompetant? My Uncle thought he was Vlad Tepes....
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Dec 10, 2009 11:53:15 AM CST
You know, I just can't believe things have gotten so bad
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
in this city that there's no way back. I mean, sure, it's messy, it's crowded, it's polluted, and there are people who would just as soon step on your face as look at you. But come on! There's gotta be a few sparks of sweet ass to mouth impalement left in this burned-out bird. We just gotta find a way to mobilize it!
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...impaling champion of the world struggles with the loss of his beloved wife (some say as a direct result of too much impaling).Everyone's beloved UNDERdog, the Impaling Stallion must STAKE himself against an opponent faster, stronger, greasier, and thirty years his junior.You'll be inspired by the heart and sheer GUTS vs skill bout of ten amazing rounds.The STAKES couldn't be higher.
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...brought on by alcohol. Russian Vodka, a blunt stake poisoned by Chernobyl..."
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Dec 10, 2009 1:34:41 PM CST
..."I can't get the blunt, greasy pole to stay up this little gu
by flickapoo
...we tried Crazy Glue, but it don't work."
Vlad The Impaler: Did you try staples? -
...they can't work!" "My legs hurt. My back aches. I'm only four. I have a blunt greasy pole up my anus and out my mouth". "The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better."
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The little wooden, brown-nosing puppet... that loves to lie! (Had to stop by and see the progress... the dedication on display here brings a tear to my eye.)
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...of the condemned.With his cheerful blank gaze and disdain for grease...everyone trembles when Vladnocchio is summoned.
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...it's nice to just grease up and pop in here for some quick impaling if and when the spirit moves you.I don't push myself at this point.Besides, I'm in quite a rut...my mind seems to only run in certain channels...everyone I know in the real world is sick to death of impaling...
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Impaling seems to get old for most people so quickly... No stamina at all... Anyway, I do hope many will continue to revisit this TB and slide a few more posts in, here and there... I'm off for today; continue with your good works!
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Dec 10, 2009 2:18:09 PM CST
...HarryCalder...run, save yourself. It's too late for me, but.
by flickapoo
...you have long and greasy life ahead of you...
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I've been busy today, didn't think the VLADBACK would be in healthy condition, thanks for surprising me!
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...not a proper site like aintitbalenews or anything. Just one page that preserves this for posterior-ity. When someone googles "Vlad The Impaler" for a school report or some such I want this to be one of the first results they get.I can barely operate this computermachine, but one of you guys needs to weed out and redundancies and repeated jokes and give Vlad a proper home.
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Dec 10, 2009 7:40:19 PM CST
"Why does my anal cavity hurt?" "You've never used it before."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 7:43:17 PM CST
What're you trying to tell me?That I can dodge greased stakes?"
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 7:45:07 PM CST
"No lieutenant, your men are already anally impaled."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 7:48:49 PM CST
"I'm going to enjoy watching you anally impaled, Mr. Anderson.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 7:53:38 PM CST
Come on. Stop trying to anally impale me and anally impale me.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 7:53:46 PM CST
Come on. Stop trying to anally impale me and anally impale me.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 7:57:49 PM CST
It's good for 2 things:degreasing anuses & killin brain cells.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:00:38 PM CST
I'm tryin 2 free ur ass,Neo.But I can only show u the greased st
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:06:08 PM CST
what good is a phone call...if you're anally impaled?
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:12:22 PM CST
Neo,u know that greased anal stake,u know where it ends"
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:16:19 PM CST
Ray,when someone asks u if ur a Voivod,u say "YES"!
by zombieheathledger
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...up a ways.
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Dec 10, 2009 8:20:25 PM CST
"Anal impalings, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:22:12 PM CST
No, we're anal impalers. Someone saw a virgin ass up on 12
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:24:14 PM CST
"Each 1 of us is carrying an unlicensed greased anal stake up hi
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:31:44 PM CST
All right, I'm gonna anally impale the next ass...concentrate.
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:38:22 PM CST
Are you troubled by strange noises in the middle of your ass?
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:39:06 PM CST
Do you experience feelings of dread in your anal cavity?
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 10, 2009 8:40:09 PM CST
Have you or your family ever seen an impaled sphincter?
by zombieheathledger
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the Assbusters are at it again. This time, at the fashionable dance club, "The Rose." The boys in gray slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist, then stayed on to anally impale the night away with some of the lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance. This is Casey Kasem. Now, on with the countdown...
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My sincere apologies for my computer's spaz attack... It's too late to be posting...
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This Mr. Stay Puft's okay! He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy anally impaled, we won't have any trouble!
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If the ionization-rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, we can really anally impale... in a spiritual sense, of course.
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I wanna know more about what you do here! Frankly, I've heard alot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possibility of dangerous and possibly hazardous greased poles in your basement.
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...anally impale possessed people...... Actually, it's more of a guideline than a rule...
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The Vladback has taken my soul...
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Micheal J. Fox battles wills with his insane superior(Sean Penn), who decides to kidnap a village girl and impale the shit out of her for about 2 days.
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YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BLUNT GREASED POLE!!!
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Dec 11, 2009 11:10:55 AM CST
Why did that change the title from VL2D to VLAD: Legacy?!?!
by royston lodge
VLAD: Legacy is a dumb name for a movie. VL2D was cool.
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...that you impaled Medger Evers with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth?
So what if I am? There isn't a single goddamn thing you or anybody else can do about it. -
Dec 11, 2009 11:35:55 AM CST
"What's in an ass? That which we call a greased stake?"
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 11, 2009 11:37:42 AM CST
"The Lady doth protest too much at her anal impaling methinks"
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 11, 2009 11:39:05 AM CST
"To anally impale or not to anally impale, that is the question.
by zombieheathledger
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ZombieHeathLedger, I bow low to your anal-impaling majesty.
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Dec 11, 2009 11:41:11 AM CST
9.O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou impaled ass, Romeo?
by zombieheathledger
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...would hurt as sweet..."
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...and all they ask me to do is impale a couple of hitchhikers with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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...what does "god" need with a blunt greased pole?
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I cannot forgive them for impaling my son with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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Dec 11, 2009 11:50:26 AM CST
"Cowards anally impale many times before their deaths."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 11, 2009 11:51:46 AM CST
"O happy greased pole! This is thy ass; there impale, and let me
by harrycalder
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oh, and "die" should have been the last word in that other one...
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Dec 11, 2009 11:54:52 AM CST
"What greased anal stake through yonder sphincter breaks?"
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 11, 2009 11:57:11 AM CST
My greased anal stakes fly up, my ass remain below"
by zombieheathledger
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You're right, Shakespeare was never so fucking funny. I want to write a whole (hole?) play about "Ramlet."
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Dec 11, 2009 11:58:29 AM CST
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your sphincters."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 11, 2009 12:04:09 PM CST
"Thou art a votary to fond desire of anal impalings."
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 11, 2009 12:04:55 PM CST
"Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with greased anal stakes."
by zombieheathledger
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... a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless *distinguishable*, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people impaled with blunt greased poles through the anus and out the mouth, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people impaled with blunt greased poles through the anus and out the mouth.
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Dec 11, 2009 12:15:36 PM CST
"Is this a greased anal stake which I see before me?"
by zombieheathledger
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... if you don't mind my saying so. Perhaps a bit more. My girls, sir, they didn't care for the Overlook at first. One of them actually stole a pack of matches, and tried to burn it down. But I impaled them with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth sir. And when my wife tried to prevent me from doing my duty, I impaled her with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
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Dec 11, 2009 12:18:36 PM CST
When I'm in here and you hear me typing, it means I'm working!
by royston lodge
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All impaling with blunt greased poles though the anus and out the mouth and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Etc... -
Dec 11, 2009 12:23:58 PM CST
"When beggars die anally impaled there are no comets seen"
by zombieheathledger
-
... I recognize ya. I saw your picture in the newspapers. You, uh, impaled your wife and daughters with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth. And then you impaled your brains out with a blunt greased pole through the anus and out the mouth.
That's strange, sir. I don't have any recollection of that at all. -
Dec 11, 2009 12:25:13 PM CST
"I will buy with you, sell with you, impale with you"
by zombieheathledger
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Dec 11, 2009 12:39:10 PM CST
"Impale the ass I pray you, trippingly on the sphincter."
by zombieheathledger
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I can remember when I was a little boy. My grandmother and I could hold conversations entirely without ever opening our mouths. She called it "impaling."
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..."well, he should have armed himself..."
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Dec 11, 2009 7:49:18 PM CST
..."I'm a damn impaler myself. 'Cept, uh, I ain't impaled as...
by flickapoo
...many as you because of my youth."
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...impaler will always impale the best shot first."
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Dec 11, 2009 7:53:04 PM CST
..."It's a hell of a thing, impalin' a man. Take away all he's.
by flickapoo
...got, and all he's ever gonna have...."
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...impaled just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another." "And I'm here to impale you."
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...I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya..." "I'm just going to impale you up the ass and out the mouth with a blunt, greasy pole!".
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...'why?'" "I dream things that never were impaled on a blunt greasy pole, and say 'why not?'"
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Dec 11, 2009 9:56:01 PM CST
..."Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man..
by flickapoo
...to impale, and he will eat for a lifetime."
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St. Tom-ASS of Ack!-Whine!-Ass...
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Dec 14, 2009 7:40:53 PM CST
...here..."St. Tom-ASS Ack!-Whine!-Ass" I fixed it for you...
by flickapoo
...nice.
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Dec 31, 2009 7:06:20 PM CST
National Lampoons Transylvanian Vacation.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 31, 2009 7:09:17 PM CST
I Spit On Your Grave(after I Impale you UTAATTM)
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 31, 2009 7:10:08 PM CST
Bustin Loose(through the ass and out the mouth)
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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an outrageous comedy where the Prince of Darkness's affluent uncle dies and leaves him 30 million dollars....The catch, he must impale 1 million people up the ass and out the mouth in a month. Hilarity ensues....
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A critique of the mass-consumerism behind impaling people up the ass and out of the mouth!
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a really sick, sick movie.
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Dec 31, 2009 7:31:28 PM CST
Sgt. Pepper's Impaling Ass Club Band
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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underrated Terry Gilliam gem about the great explorer who goes on mythic adventures, and mythic impalings.
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Watch Jennifer Connelly go ass to ass, out of mouth to mouth. Oh yeah.......
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Dec 31, 2009 7:43:35 PM CST
AVLADTAR has fucked my eyeballs UTAAOOTM
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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much maligned version of a popular comic in which a Ducksylavanian is transported to Earth and proceeds to impale Lea Thompson(you guessed it) up the ass and out of the mouth....
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Dec 31, 2009 7:48:06 PM CST
Those Magnificent Men in Their Impaling Machines
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 31, 2009 7:51:59 PM CST
Dont Tell Mom the babysitters Impaled
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 31, 2009 7:53:03 PM CST
The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Impaler
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 31, 2009 11:21:04 PM CST
How green Is My Implaing Implement?
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 31, 2009 11:24:42 PM CST
The Impaled People Under The Stairs
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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Dec 31, 2009 11:28:27 PM CST
Percy Jackson & the Impalers: The Ass-to-Mouth Thief
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Chris Columbus goes dark....
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Dec 31, 2009 11:33:15 PM CST
Farrah Fawcett in: Impaling Extremities
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
a woman turns the tables on her assailant after he impales her up the ass and out the mouth. An undead Farrah Fawcett, all doped up and crazy, puts him in the fire place and impales him in ways that even Satan didn't know existed.
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Jan 01, 2010 12:33:37 AM CST
Vladsie. Dustin Hoffman in a funny gender/bender
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Vlad, unable to land work in his current chosen profession as an actor, must do what so many have done before him....dabble in the world of the mythical tranvestite. Vlad, now impersonating a spunky go-getter female finds his career taking off and hilarity ensues when his male boss falls for him as Vlad becomes smitten by an un-crazy Jessica Lange...
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Jan 01, 2010 12:35:55 AM CST
VladPye. Impaling you up ass and out mouth 2010
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
He Yam what he Yam.
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Clint Eastwood plays a photographer who develops a romance with an aged Meryl Streep. Hilarity ensues when he decides to impale her up the ass and out the mouth with a 45 caliber bullet
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...I actually have "Impaling-implementhands"...it's pretty cool.
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Vlad: You mean the black hole is me??? Dr Phil: Your whole is a black hole Vlad. Right folks? Wait... What are you doing????
gurgling sounds as Dr Phil is impaled up the ass and out of the mouth with a blunt greasy pole....
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Rodney: Hi there sir, my name is Rodney. We've been walking around all day, stopping in at houses around the neighborhood and trying to spread the word of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ[whispers:more praise be to him]. Me and my friend Gabriel here are a little parched. You wouldn't perhaps be kind enough to spare a cup of water would you? Vlad: No. Fuck off.
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