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This New Action-Adventure Movie Will CRACK Your NUTS!!

Merrick here...

Tech issue updating site today necessitate super-brief updates. Apologies.

The folks over at New Line are teaming with TWILIGHT SAGA producer Wyck Godfrey to re-imagine THE NUTCRACKER. The title is best known as the legendary ballet by Tchaikovsky (it's probably my most favorite classical piece), but the new film would be based on the E.T.A. Hoffmann source material from which the ballet drew its inspiration (available HERE).
The update will be written in a family-adventure tone similar to "The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe."
...says THR HERE.
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Readers Talkback
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  • Dec. 7, 2009, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Read about this over at Dark Horizons...

    by HarryCalder

    Sounds remarkably stupid, surprise, surprise.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 2:55 p.m. CST

    Must be R rated

    by BoRock_A_Boomer

    High potential

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 2:55 p.m. CST

    nutcracker

    by BEYONDTHUNDERDOME2GIRLS1CUPBILLCOSBY

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 2:58 p.m. CST

    I don't really hate this idea. Anyone see that weird version...

    by FlickaPoo

    ...of THE SNOW QUEEN? Or that Russian stop motion PETER AND THE WOLF?<P>Of course, this will probably be nothing like those two. It'll probably have jive talking offensive comic relief sidekicks.<P>It's pretty to think so though...

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    ...and of course, NUTS, WILL...BE...CRACKED!!...

    by FlickaPoo

    ...last time, I promise.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:07 p.m. CST

    FlickPoo

    by HarryCalder

    You are correct, in good hands, this could work. But note what else this writer has been involved with, including Shrek Forever After. I rest my case...

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:08 p.m. CST

    ...Oh. I didn't read the fine print. Story of my life.

    by FlickaPoo

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:17 p.m. CST

    Great. Now I'm imagining Tim Burton's Peter & The Wolf.

    by Royston Lodge

    Damn you!

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:41 p.m. CST

    Yeah, really, it

    by HarryCalder

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:41 p.m. CST

    ...is easy to imagine...

    by HarryCalder

    ...how many cool ways you could do something like this... *heavy sigh*

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:46 p.m. CST

    Fuck TWILIGHT! And fuck everyone involved in it!

    by Mr. Pricklepants

    Seriously. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. And yes, you will burn in hell for it. Because Satan fucking hates Mormons.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:48 p.m. CST

    I'm done with Twilight

    by Gozu

    Also, adults shouldn't be reading juvie vampire erotica. It's weird.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 3:48 p.m. CST

    I was talking to a friend last nite...

    by The Dum Guy

    And, while looking at all the christmas decorations on my neighbors lawn, I wondered why there hasn't been a movie with killer decorations (evil baby Jesus, killer drummer boy, etc.)<br><br>He thought that someone could make a horror movie out the Nutcracker.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 4:11 p.m. CST

    God damn it!

    by ballyhoo

    Fuck all these remakes!

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 4:26 p.m. CST

    NUTS will be CRACKED, and COCKS will be PUNCHED!!

    by MrMysteryGuest

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 6:09 p.m. CST

    Off topic sure but I'd totally fuck Darth Talon.

    by DOGSOUP

    Dame you Sideshow Collectibles

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 6:17 p.m. CST

    seriously

    by frank cotton

    she has one major rack

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 6:38 p.m. CST

    johnny...

    by ScaryWaitress

    I assume you were being ironic with that? You know that's the ENGLISH spelling of favorite, right? English, as in British? As in, from whence our own language came?

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 6:52 p.m. CST

    It's already been done!

    by Kaluvina

    OK, I had no idea someone had come up with this idea already, and I'm SURE they didn't steal my idea, but I made an animated cartoon uzing this SAME premise (Nutcracker story as an action movie). It's called Chuck Nutcracker, and it was entered into the Fox Holiday Special contest on Aniboom. Here's the link for anyone interested (remove the spaces): http://www.aniboom. com/ animation-video/391210/ Chuck-Nutcracker/ My version has the nutcracker as a Chuck Norris/Clint Eastwood-type character, and the Rat King is a drag queen. And yes, it uses the obvious jokes like "It's time to crack a few nuts." (remove the spaces)

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 7:46 p.m. CST

    Clearly, Darth Talon is played by Megan Fox . . .

    by Royston Lodge

    . . . I look forward to seeing Darth Talon bent over a Speeder Bike with her crimson ass high in the air.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 8:21 p.m. CST

    There are two elements involved in nutcracking

    by Lone Fox

    ... Ahh, forget it. You know the rest.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 9:09 p.m. CST

    The tattoos on her back make a perfect target for my jizz

    by DOGSOUP

    But I'd have to aim into the wind to hit it right if the speeder bike is moving, raises the difficulty level significantly. But damn those Twi'lek appendages would come in handy in that position.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Bet it'll get fucked up by motion capture

    by FeralAngel

    Or, maybe not so fucked up. Wooden-looking characters, dead, lifeless eyes...hey, what didn't work for The Polar Express could totally work for The Nutcracker. Although it wouldn't make the characters seem any more alive, come to think of it. In my opinion, this movie should be stop-motion mixed with live action. Could kick ass. Herky-jerky movement seems more appropriate for a wooden figure than squash and stretch. Anyway, this isn't a bad idea at all for a Christmas movie. I'll be keeping my eye on this one.

  • Dec. 7, 2009, 10:42 p.m. CST

    I'm still holding out for a Russian doll movie, or

    by RequisiteMonkey

    a Faberge Egg movie, a Rocking horse movie. Come on Hollywood, think of all the public domain toys you can mine for free, instead of sharing profits with Mattel/Hasbro/Parker Bros.

  • Dec. 8, 2009, 12:38 a.m. CST

    Nutcracker is the Fucking Shit!

    by Autodidact

    Seriously, that's a real christmas activity... going to the ballet to take in the Nutcracker Suite. The little toy soldier growing into a full size ballet guy blew my mind as a kid.

  • Dec. 8, 2009, 1:18 a.m. CST

    Fuck that, make Lobo Kills Santa!!

    by br1947

    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7288203743452088871#

  • Dec. 8, 2009, 1:29 a.m. CST

    Boring!!!

    by hallmitchell

    I smell a flop.

  • Dec. 8, 2009, 7:26 a.m. CST

    it's nothing personal I just don't like Merrick! He never has an

    by silentbobafett2

  • Dec. 8, 2009, 7:43 a.m. CST

    nutcracker most fav??

    by BendersShinyAss

    dude.... you obviously haven't heard beethovens die hard then?

  • Dec. 8, 2009, 10:51 a.m. CST

    br1947, nope fatman gets a gurka knife

    by Grammaton Cleric Binks

    to the side of the head.

  • Dec. 9, 2009, 12:09 a.m. CST

    This new action movie will crack your Vulturess!

    by wampa_droppings