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Capone would rather pick up dog crap than watch OLD DOGS again!!!
Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
On how many levels can one movie miss the mark? Let me count the ways. Who is OLD DOGS made for? I can't imagine kids really caring that much about a story of two middle-aged businessmen (Robin Williams and John Travolta) who are suddenly put in charge of 7-year-old fraternal twins fathered by Williams during an hours-long drunken marriage to a stranger he met in Miami Beach (Kelly Preston). He was unaware that their one experience together resulted in a pregnancy, so her showing up where he lives in New York saying he's the father is unexpected. She also is about to head to jail for two weeks (for an utterly Disney-fied forgivable crime), and although she hadn't planned on dumping the kids in Williams' lap, things just kind of work out that way, don't you know? Of course the two weeks in question are the same two weeks that are leading up to the biggest deal in these lifelong friends' business partnership. What are the odds? And why would kids care about these old men? For that matter, what self-respecting adult would want to see any of these people in a PG-rated offering? The questions keep mounting.
What's weirder is that the kids vanish conveniently from the story when they aren't necessary, despite a promise Williams made to Preston that he wouldn't hire a babysitter. And what does the cast list of this movie reveal? My stars, not only is Travolta's real-life wife (Preston) in the movie, but so is his daughter, Ella Bleu Travolta, playing the female half of the twins (Conner Rayburn plays the son). A small army on familiar faces parade before the camera in small roles, probably in the hopes of making sure we're awake (good luck with that one). I spotted Amy Sedaris, Rita Wilson, Ann-Margret, Justin Long, Matt Dillon and, most upsetting, what has got to be the final screen appearance of Bernie Mac, in what probably would have been the low point in his career if he'd lived to be 100. The fact that Bernie Mac died over a year ago should tell you something about how long this dubious release has been sitting on the shelf. When I first saw him on screen, I let slip an "Oh no" before I snapped my jaw shut and sat there remembering the night I saw THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY and rediscovered one of Chicago's funniest men.
Also on hand are Seth Green as the junior partner in the firm who basically acts like a squealing woman when called upon, and Lori Loughlin as a pretty Japanese interpreter (their impending mega-deal is with a Japanese firm) Travolta has his eye on. Here's my other big issue with the film (and there are so many to choose from)--Travolta is supposed to be some horn-dog ladies man, but his best line seems to be "Hello, pretty lady." I guess the movies are all about living out your fantasies, but come on, guys. If I told you that OLD DOGS was directed by the same guy that did WILD HOGS a couple years ago, would things make more sense? Of course, Walt Becker also did the VAN WILDER, which had a lot more going for it than both Hogs and Dogs do combined. However you slice it, the dude put a major stink on this outing. It's not that nothing in the film rings true; that's a given. It's that nothing anyone does in this movie even makes sense. And even if it did make sense, that wouldn't help make it any funnier. I swear on my life, I didn't even come close to laughing during this misery.
And after 90 minutes of a film whose best attempts at humor are poop and fart jokes--peppered with a few homophobic gems by the characters who assume Williams and Travolta are a gay couple who have adopted the kids--I was ready to strangle small animals. OLD DOGS feels like a much longer movie cut down to the point where the threads of certain storylines peek out, but still don't give you the impression that a better film ever existed. Travolta owns a very elderly dog, whose fate in this film is somehow tied to the relationship Travolta shares with Williams, and it makes no goddamned sense. That's pretty much my reaction to every lame second of this embarrassing crap. If I happen to stumble upon OLD DOGS on cable in the months to come, I'm calling my provider and canceling the channel that plays it so I don't ever run the risk of seeing it again. This film makes the best argument I can think of for putting OLD DOGS down.
-- Capone
therealcapone@aintitcoolmail.com
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Nov 25, 2009 11:46:41 AM CST
Why did everyone at AICN watch this piece of shit?
by the reluctant austinite
Then why did they bother to type words about it? Films like this one are best ignored completely. No offense to the hardcore film soldiers here at AICN; more like sympathy for having to endure crap like this. I sincerely hope all of you got PAID for having to waste precious hours of your life on this.
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Is like telling Kate Moss not to eat that entire 72 oz monster T-bone at one of those West Texas steakhouses. If it will put y'all's mind at ease, I will also NOT be picking up the 4-disc collector's edition of Weekend at Bernie's II.
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..homophobic gems.
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Keep them coming!
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A better question is why would this movie get two reviews when the first one wasn't needed or wanted.
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Why would anybody review this movie? I saw the trailers, knew what it would be like, and knew I would not like it. I know the audience for this move ("that new Pink Panther with Steve Martin was great!!"), and it isn't to be found here on AICN. Couldn't anybody get a media pass to Prince and the Frog? I'd rather hear a review on Disney's return to traditional animation 100 times over, than see one (much less one + link) to a review of Old Dogs.
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are funnier than this movie.
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I can't understand why someone would bother to watch the entire thing.
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Learning that Ann-Margret is in this movie now makes it likely that one day I will subject myself to it just to bask once again in her radiant MILFitude. Having said that, if you can convince me that she looks like total CRAP you will have redeemed yourself.
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AICN reviewers, apparently, since I think we've heard from all of them, and one that doesn't even work here anymore.
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I'm gonna buy a ticket for it, and sneek into Fantastic Mr. Fox.
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Propoganda like always.
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The kind who are old enough to remember Travolta in his "dreamy" late-70's prime and Williams in his coke-head 80's prime, but who only see five movies a year (two in the theater). They'll then squeal to their friends about how "cute" it is, despite the complete death of audible laughter in whatever theater they see it in.
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Then you could call it "Old Dogs, New Tricks".
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Must cover up the feeling of emptiness inside both of these formerly relevant stars.
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Soi Cowboy by Thomas Clay.
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You know you want to see it bitches. Ron Perlman pummels William H. Macy and rapes Jill Hennessy. Now that would make the holiday season!
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Firstly, I have to admit, I think you're working for Walt Disney studios. I don't ususally subscribe to such paranoid theories of media manupulation, but your alter-ego name and comments scream "studio plant". Maybe you're not, so I will go further, regarding your comments at face value: The idea that Mr. Williams and Mr. Travolta have screen chemistry is not a factor. These actore have NOTHING to prove to me. They could continue to churn out PG-gamily-friendly-comedy-crap involving CG talking chimpanzees for the next three decades, and they will, still, never be perceived by me to be anytthing but the height of talent in their fields as actors. Stating that they have chemestry together in this movie is nothing less than rubbing salt in the wounds of the fact that they aren't together in a far more challenging and intellectual film. And God bless them for finding high paychecks and doing their bit for them. My problem is that this movie has no more a place on AICN than a Sandra Bullock comedy. It is typically (and should stick to) genre related films. Targeting a movie like this is pointless. It has less relevance to the readership of this site than a movie with vampires that sparkle in the sunlight.
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as all those Disney remakes of French comedies of the '80s and '90s that starred Tim Allen, or Martin Short, or Nick Nolte, and others that needed a quick dime/alimony payment...the sitcom crowd that keeps Two And A Half Men in the top 10. They made an erection joke!!Bwaaa haah haah haah!!!
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"It's hilarious fun for the entire family!" -- yer mama, Aint It Cool News
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His son could have told him that!
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everyone is a comedian
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Nov 25, 2009 6:45:43 PM CST
Is this worse or Planet 51? Cause P51 was sooo boring.
by gibsonusa returns
Its the movie I use to gauge movie boringness now. Better than Planet 51, or as boring?
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Starring Glenn Close, Al Pacino and Martin Short!
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merely doing a good impression of one. It's a joke, in other words. Well, I hope it is. But seriously, folks, if a "plant" dies in the forest, could anyone tell if it was real or not? Anyway, in a rare show of unanimity, AICN reviewers conclude this movie sucks totally. We get it. But why no take from Harry on his experience watching OLD DOGS?
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I might actually go see it, it can't possibly be below my expectations.
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Anyone who watches movies for entertainment and isn't an elite, liberal, know-it-all (but in reality is a lonely complete moron)... there, think that sums it up. The world needs more Travoltas and Robin Williams...
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If it would have been rated R and had more the the state trooper and less of the twin deputies it would have been hysterical.
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But no mention of the dead animal on Travolta's head?
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This movie is okay. It's not going to kill anyone. I went to see John Travolta and Robin Williams and I did. I laughed a couple times here and there. Of course it's not "our" kind of comedy but it's not remotely as bad as these things can be.
btw, is it just me or is Matt Dillon proving all by himself that vampires exist? Because that man doesn't age. I can't explain it otherwise.
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