Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

On how many levels can one movie miss the mark? Let me count the ways. Who is OLD DOGS made for? I can't imagine kids really caring that much about a story of two middle-aged businessmen (Robin Williams and John Travolta) who are suddenly put in charge of 7-year-old fraternal twins fathered by Williams during an hours-long drunken marriage to a stranger he met in Miami Beach (Kelly Preston). He was unaware that their one experience together resulted in a pregnancy, so her showing up where he lives in New York saying he's the father is unexpected. She also is about to head to jail for two weeks (for an utterly Disney-fied forgivable crime), and although she hadn't planned on dumping the kids in Williams' lap, things just kind of work out that way, don't you know? Of course the two weeks in question are the same two weeks that are leading up to the biggest deal in these lifelong friends' business partnership. What are the odds? And why would kids care about these old men? For that matter, what self-respecting adult would want to see any of these people in a PG-rated offering? The questions keep mounting.

What's weirder is that the kids vanish conveniently from the story when they aren't necessary, despite a promise Williams made to Preston that he wouldn't hire a babysitter. And what does the cast list of this movie reveal? My stars, not only is Travolta's real-life wife (Preston) in the movie, but so is his daughter, Ella Bleu Travolta, playing the female half of the twins (Conner Rayburn plays the son). A small army on familiar faces parade before the camera in small roles, probably in the hopes of making sure we're awake (good luck with that one). I spotted Amy Sedaris, Rita Wilson, Ann-Margret, Justin Long, Matt Dillon and, most upsetting, what has got to be the final screen appearance of Bernie Mac, in what probably would have been the low point in his career if he'd lived to be 100. The fact that Bernie Mac died over a year ago should tell you something about how long this dubious release has been sitting on the shelf. When I first saw him on screen, I let slip an "Oh no" before I snapped my jaw shut and sat there remembering the night I saw THE ORIGINAL KINGS OF COMEDY and rediscovered one of Chicago's funniest men.

Also on hand are Seth Green as the junior partner in the firm who basically acts like a squealing woman when called upon, and Lori Loughlin as a pretty Japanese interpreter (their impending mega-deal is with a Japanese firm) Travolta has his eye on. Here's my other big issue with the film (and there are so many to choose from)--Travolta is supposed to be some horn-dog ladies man, but his best line seems to be "Hello, pretty lady." I guess the movies are all about living out your fantasies, but come on, guys. If I told you that OLD DOGS was directed by the same guy that did WILD HOGS a couple years ago, would things make more sense? Of course, Walt Becker also did the VAN WILDER, which had a lot more going for it than both Hogs and Dogs do combined. However you slice it, the dude put a major stink on this outing. It's not that nothing in the film rings true; that's a given. It's that nothing anyone does in this movie even makes sense. And even if it did make sense, that wouldn't help make it any funnier. I swear on my life, I didn't even come close to laughing during this misery.

And after 90 minutes of a film whose best attempts at humor are poop and fart jokes--peppered with a few homophobic gems by the characters who assume Williams and Travolta are a gay couple who have adopted the kids--I was ready to strangle small animals. OLD DOGS feels like a much longer movie cut down to the point where the threads of certain storylines peek out, but still don't give you the impression that a better film ever existed. Travolta owns a very elderly dog, whose fate in this film is somehow tied to the relationship Travolta shares with Williams, and it makes no goddamned sense. That's pretty much my reaction to every lame second of this embarrassing crap. If I happen to stumble upon OLD DOGS on cable in the months to come, I'm calling my provider and canceling the channel that plays it so I don't ever run the risk of seeing it again. This film makes the best argument I can think of for putting OLD DOGS down.

-- Capone
therealcapone@aintitcoolmail.com
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