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Capone declares the Volturi to be good, but NEW MOON still disappointing!!!
Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
The first time we see Edward Cullen in NEW MOON (still pale with ruby red lips, and hair slightly less crazy than in TWILIGHT), he's walking through a high school parking lot in slow motion, looking like he just stepped out of a goth band's music video. For about 90 percent of NEW MOON, Jacob Black (a beefed up Taylor Lautner) is walking around shirtless, wearing only tattered sweatpants, looking like he just stepped off a gay porn set. Never having read any of Stephenie Meyer's novels about the tortured romance between Edward and human heroine Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), I may be a little late to this revelation. But seeing Edward and Jacob at their best and worst in NEW MOON made me realize that this is a film about the classic female dilemma--does she allow herself to fall for the more stable but still temperamental, hunky jock (he’s also good with machines), or does she stray to the dark gothy side of life, possibly even becoming a vampire herself (which she seems more than willing to do)?
But the version of Bella in NEW MOON actually made me dislike her intensely, which is bad news for the filmmakers (led by new and better director Chris Weisz). I didn't loathe Bella because she's a self-obsessed drama queen, mourning the loss of her runaway Edward who leaves her early in the film after he accidentally injures her in trying to protect her. No, I found her unappealing because she's terrible to those she cares about outside of Edward. Jacob helps her picks up the pieces of her shattered heart, ends up being her best friend, and naturally falls for her, which she seems okay with to a point. When he disappears for a time, she gets extremely upset and begs him to come back. But when Edward comes back on the scenes, she tells Jacob to leave her alone. She's also incredibly, passively cruel to one of her high school buddies, Mike (Michael Welch), who has a crush on her, asks her out, and is systematically humiliated for his trouble. I get that she's a confused, torn 18 year old, but that doesn't mean she gets to mess with people's heads and still have an audience like her.
There are two big revelations in NEW MOON. The first is that Jacob is a werewolf (which isn’t really a revelation to anybody), and that he's a part of a werewolf group of young men whose only mission in life seems to be to protect humans from vampire. Since the Cullens don't feed on humans, they are safe from werewolf harm. The second, far more interesting element to this universe in that of the Volturi, the ruling class of vampires that live in Italy and pass judgment on the behaviors of other vampires. If one of their rank gets a little too public, off with their head. You have to sit through most of the movie to get to the Volturi, but man are they worth it, and they are featured in the only segment of the film that would qualify as genuine fun. The great Michael Sheen (who is best known for playing Tony Blair in three films, including THE QUEEN, as well as his perfect turn as David Frost in FROST/NIXON) plays Volturi leader Aro, and he knows exactly how goofy these stories are and clearly having a blast making googly eyes at everybody while speaking in a low-grade hiss. He manages to strike exactly the right balance between camp and danger, and god is he good. I also loved an almost unrecognizable turn by Dakota Fanning as the young, evil Jane, a Volturi vampire whose ability seems to involve inflicting a great deal of pain on someone with her mind. And she seems to really enjoy her work.
But what about the rest of the film? First off, Weisz has made a better-looking film that TWILIGHT, which may not mean much to some, but it actually lends a lot to whatever credibility this series lacked due to the first installment. The effects are better, and the flow of the film has been improved upon (although it still feels remarkably clunky at times). Most of the blame for NEW MOON's ultimate failure to engage rests with the pedestrian script from Melissa Rosenberg, which blows me away a bit because Rosenberg is easily the best writer on the Showtime series "Dexter." The poor writing really stands out during Bella’s god-awful narration, which comes across a the worst kind of immature diary writing melded with low-grade soap opera emotions. Episodes of “Dark Shadows” had more of an emotional pull than Bella’s musings.
Perhaps the more obvious problem with the film is that the two male leads aren't very good actors. Pattinson shows no range or depth at all in his portrayal of Edward. He's angst-ridden from top to bottom, even when he's supposed to be happy. And with a much higher-profile role this time out, Lautner reminds us in no uncertain terms that he's an actor with almost no experience beyond his child-star roots. I'm sure he'll get better as the years go on, but probably not in time to save this series. It's clear he worked his ass off since the first film to build up his musculature to play this part more convincingly. Too bad he didn't bother to work to strengthen his acting muscle while he was at it.
I know a lot of people have it out for Kristen Stewart, especially with her constant chronic hair tugging often substituting for an actual performance. But the fact remains that I've always admired her as an actor (watch the recent ADVENTURELAND to see how effective she can be full of gloom and doom). The way her character is written is as a lonely and brokenhearted teen who sits around her room for months and stays away from her friends. She also becomes an adrenaline junkie when she realized that a memory-cloud version of Edward appears whenever she does something death defying. Lucky girl. Some of the things Stewart is required to do and say in this movie are downright embarrassing (her line to Jacob “So, you’re a werewolf” comes to mind), but she handles the task admirably and clearly respects the character on some level.
It also hurt a little to, once again, see talented supporting actors utterly marginalized in this movie. A prime example is Anna Kendrick, playing Bella's best human friend Jessica, who has one decent scene in NEW MOON. But wait until you get to see her in a leading role in Jason Reitman's UP IN THE AIR next month. She's unbelievably strong in that part and largely dismissed as a shopping-addicted teen in NEW MOON. Maybe that's the way her character is written in the book, but it feels like squandered resources. I feel the same way when I see Elizabeth Reaser and Peter Facinelli (ma and pa Cullen) or Graham Greene as the wise Native American Harry Clearwater. There are no small parts, I get it. But these talents deserve better material and more screen time.
The story seems like it simply alternates between depression and posturing. But the good news is that when the character of the clairvoyant Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) returns to Bella's life and the pair head off for Italy to visit Edward with the Volturi, the film gets a whole lot more interesting. The promise of more Volturi alone gives me something to actually look forward to in future TWILIGHT Saga installments. Unfortunately, NEW MOON continues the tradition of lameness that was firmly established with the first movie. And while I know I said this new film is an improvement, it's still not very good. I'm sure it will made assloads of cash. Have fun.
-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com
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quality to be disappointed?
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First
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this shit is so mediocre it hurts.
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..please?
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He played Lucian, the Lycan leader, in the Underworld series.
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..keep posting reviews/updates on this stupid Twilight series? Does anyone who visits this site actually care about this crap?
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saw a commercial for this last night and it had a quick glimpse of her, she looks hot with red eyes. the law be damned, she can bite me anytime. :P
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not going to waste my time.
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Nov 19, 2009 10:16:42 AM CST
You guys don't review over half the films that come out
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Even some event films go by the wayside, yet here you all are clambouring over each other to see this shit. You guys do know how to get laid right?
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And that's basically the reaction I get each and every time I see a trailer or commercial for this thing.
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I support going against AICN's typical demographic bend to give disproportionate attention to unheralded but good films we might not have heard of.
However, not only does TWILIGHT not fit within AICN's demographic, you guys have to know beyond a doubt that these films are shit.
So are you just trying to wind us up and increase your hit count? I can't see any other reason to blanket us with this shit. -
Seriously, when the hell is that movie coming out, anyway? Are they still making it? Apart from the abortive WB pilot from 2004, I can not understand what with all the other vampire genre stuff the past dozen years from Buffy to True Blood to Vampire Diaries, why the hell no one makes a decent reboot of Dark Shadows.
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But a writer from Dexter helped put this out? Well you can't blame them for trying. Maybe they got little girls they want to impress?
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Now we have THREE? I know these guys are doing their jobs and I admire them for taking the bullet of seeing these god awful Twilight movies for us, but god THREE reviews? To tell us all what we pretty much already knew. Although I do have to say I always like different points of view, sadly, as concerns New Moon, all those point of view are almost identical.
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Nov 19, 2009 10:52:07 AM CST
So, the Volturi in Italy a not so veiled reference to the Vatica
by stabby
from this unimaginative Mormon twit. Of course, as usual from Hollywood the Catholic Church is the great evil and to blame for all the world's woes.
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the things she and I could do! Fantastic.
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Nov 19, 2009 10:57:54 AM CST
TWILIGHT = VAMPIRES FOR TWEEN GIRLS AND FAGS!!!FACT!!!
by tehcreepythinman
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. . . are going to hurt yourselves. Just don't read about it.
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REALLY?!?!
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I have heard has even come close to convincing me that these films are anything more than a crappy fad. Also, this might be the first film in which the werewolves look gayer than the vampires. I didn't think that was possible.
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I was thinking that if the film got loads of great reviews, then maybe I'd see the first one, and get on this bandwagon. But, man, it sounds terrible. (Apart from Volturi- Capone sure is right about Michael Sheen.) And did it NEED to be this bad? Is there no humour in the book? What I've loved about the last four Harry Potter films is that they've been so much FUN. As well as all the angst and magic, there has been a very sweet humour. (The Yule Ball was when I realised as was a card-carrying Potter film fan.) But, shee-it, these Twilight kids look so miserable!
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Every girl I know who has read it has said it's complete trash. LIke, total garbage. I don't know why so many are utterly addicted to it. I understand the movies though. Gotta eat, and all that.
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claims that meyers stole the idea from here and called a lawsuit.
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was halted as a result.
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New Poon.
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You're clearly not the demographic, and neither are most people reading this site. Three of you have posted these today, and three of those reviews have been almost exactly the same. If you give creedence to this shite by commenting on it, you may as well start reviewing the Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus movies that come out, too.
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Three reviews by three different AICN-ers for a movie no one here really cares about? Doesn't even matter what the reviews are. It is a movie made for 13 year old girls and I am sure they will enjoy it.
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Nov 19, 2009 11:35:28 AM CST
I only have two words concerning Twilight & this Gay vampire phe
by chocolatejesusman
Shit Sandwhich
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Reviews elsewhere have been pretty much what you'd expect.
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Like Star Wars episodes 1 - 3.? Reviews of those turds helped MAKE this site.
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that is so spot on, i cant believe i hadnt noticed; werewolves gayer than vampires, black is white, down is up... and my girlfriend will still probably want to watch it.
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I know a lot of people like these books (because we really are a duh-umb nation), but I think it speaks volumes that Stephen King thinks she blows goats as a writer. Even when he isn't a fan, King usually says something gracious or finds a positive, but not with this trash.
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You fuckers ought to be ashamed of yourselves. One review I can understand, but 3? Lazy and weak. Can't find anything else to write about today boys?
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I don't have to explain why Star Wars is relevant to this site and why this garbage isn't, do I? I'll give you a hint: target audience.
Seriously, I can't wait for the rest of these movies can come out so the fad can burn itself out and we can all look back on this as a culture and laugh like we did leg warmers and the Macarena. This is pre-menstrual romance novel schlock. Period. -
I thought I saw a NEW MOON last night...but it was only URANUS!
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Nov 19, 2009 12:02:20 PM CST
Glorious news everyone I think we've seen the end of Nerd_Rage
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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it's the new Torture Porn!
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and then i vomited.
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You can polish a turd as much as you want but it's still a turd.
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AND Spaz, too! I'm going to donate $5 to the Illuminati in his memory. Whoever wielded the banhammer in this instance... THANK YOU.
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That's my new favorite description for this crap. Well done, IAmLegolas.
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The biggest November opening ever isn't that far off $102.6m from HP and the Goblet of Fire in '05. It won't be Titanic, because that drew in everybody from teens to 80-somethings. This only has women who will come out in droves to see it.
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The adage is...You CAN'T polish a turd!
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In turnaround, as they say? Dumbasses.
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...than watch this lame ass shit.
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A lot fo people have been so against this movie now a lot fo people are seeing it you can tell they want to like but are afraid to because of what people will think. I am seeing it tonight at midnight with everyone from school and will post my review here in the talkbacks. I am so excited guys, I hope some of you will give this a chance.
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"The promise of more Volturi alone gives me something to actually look forward to in future TWILIGHT Saga installments." I promise you will eat these words when it's over. As one who actually read all of the books, I can promise you that the Volturi will serve you a massive non-climax that will drive you out of your mind. You will writhe in your set on a level with the non-battle in the last Harry Potter flick.
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I don't think the Volturi are supposed to be the Vatican at all. And if they are, not in the light that you're painting, anyways. The Volturi aren't villains... they're necessary to keep the order (think the laws of the Masquerade in the White Wolf LARP).
And yes, I am embarrassed that I know all that (about the Volturi, not VtM). -
Three reviews for this shit. Really? Do you really think any of the stupid bitches that read or watch this shit series of emo fag vampire wank actually come to AICN? Methinks that the AICN crew secretly thirsts for the cock.
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Vampire: the Masquerade. Doesn't surprise me in the least. Still why is vampire headquarters in Italy and not Romania?
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These TWILIGHT travesties are truly 3-G movies...as in they are only for gays, goths and girlie teens.
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opens 5 days after this, and right alongside "Old Dogs" and "Ninja Assassin". Great idea, moving it from October 16th to ground zero. I hope the producers didn't intend to make any, like, MONEY.Nevertheless, I will be one of the thousand or so people who see this next week. Should be interesting if nothing else.
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Yes, Edward (Robert Pattinson) is back in school, repeating the 12th grade for the 84th time.
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...then go watch FRIGHT NIGHT or BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA. And relegate this TWILIGHT shit to the book of forgotten films.
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The person who mentioned the anti-climax at the end of the final book has it exactly right. All the books lead up to a final confrontation/battle, and then literally nothing happens. BTW, I did read the books and didn't like Twilight or Breaking Dawn, but liked New Moon and Eclipse.
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Dude, I sure hope you're saving your money, because if you keep making this kind of crapola, then you're gonna be a has-been before the clock strikes twelve. The only place Pattinson will turn up is in some lame-ass Skinemax movie or in some retarded buddy flick with Billy Zane.
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Will catch this one and enjoy how bad it will probably be. Im hoping Michael Sheen will save at least his portion of the flick.
It cracks me up how some of these guys are sooooooo solemnly and staunchly heterosexual that you think you'll become gay just by peeking at a poster for the movie. I mean, shit, if your masculinity is threatened by a cheesy ass movie, then maybe there's something you and your...(cough) buddies should devote a little time to resolving. As for the dude who chooses a shotgun over seeing a bad movie, more firepower to ya! Go for it. Wish more teens and tweens had that kind of initiative. Just don't take anyone with you, please. -
...waste your hard-earned bucks on a piece of shit movie that you know up front is a steaming pile. It's nice to know I don't have to go to a crapfest to make my wife happy.
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You say it features an unlikable teenage girl being mindlessly cruel and self-absorbed? Sounds pretty damned realistic.
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I must say the improvements are incredible over the shit first movie. The script IS bland but so are the books. If you want well written vampires and romance don't go to a Meyer book. Still the books are kinda entertaining and so is this movie. It's not geared to my demographics yet still i did have a good time at the movies today.
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my gap khakis are all crusty! whoa. and that boy next to me with his cans of mr. phib! crusties!but still. robert pattison is no shepard fox. i crucify myself on his eyebrow!dr. pepper!
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I've been reading a lot of Twilight reviews on comic book websites today. All of them seem to share a recurring theme... The target audience of these websites seem largely indifferent, if not openly hostile, to the movie. But the websites still seem obligated to review it because it has become such a huge cultural phenomenon. It's as if someone tried to stage a Britney Spears karaoke contest at a sports bar during the Super Bowl. It just feels awkward.
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I really feel for all of you that have to sit through this for pussy.
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because the role was perfectly suited to the one character she knows how to play...angsty teenager. I liked Adventureland, but not because of her.
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Thanks to that drop on Howard Stern I read that whole review normally in my head and the great George Takei saying that one word
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For someone to punch that pouty mopey pale faced girl named Robert Pattinson square in the balls the next time he shows up on the red carpet? Voldemort needs to show up in this series just so he can kill that whiney little bitch again.
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it just bothers me to see the people in these movies not only act like fucking retards every time someone in the media asks them a question, but they all just find themselves so important these days. when robert pattison says "95% of my acting is my hair" it makes me cringe. why do these people get to perform for a living while so many of us have to struggle. if you have no respect for the craft (as none of these little shits do. theyre all just little spoiled fuckheads) you should not be given the chance to make this your lively hood.
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Twilight sucks and nothing about is good! Nosferatu Is the best Vampire Movie! That is real vampire, Twilight is Horse-Shit!!
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Twilight sucks and nothing about is good! Nosferatu Is the best Vampire Movie! That is a real vampire, Twilight is Horse-Shit!! and a waste of time.
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It only helps to fuel my disgust for the shit eating society we now live in. One thing you can count on, if its terrible the mainstream will love it.
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Nov 19, 2009 6:22:11 PM CST
WHY DO THE OVERWEIGHT UGLY NERDS OF AICN CARE ABOUT TWILIGHT?
by nightheat500
This is obviously a series for tween girls. And no, they could care less what the nerds here think.. so why have 3 nerds from AICN review it? Trying to stay relevant? AICN hasn't had an exclusive story worth reading in years. It really has just sunk to a mediocre news site, blogs are where its at these days. AICN is so 1999. Feel sorry for all the 40 year old "nerd-dads" ranting over Twilight.
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No fucking way I'd see this. The only film she makes me suffer through is Pretty Woman.
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from Vampire: The Masquerade, which isn't saying much.
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little girls so they can support this shit. If you let your kid go see this then this is all your fault. Kristen Stewart phones in the same shit performance in every movie. The Messengers, Adventureland, Twilight, now this. All turd piles. Get naked and shut up, or just shut up.
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Twilight causes boys and girls to sprout breats and menstruate:
http://www.celebrityfreakshow.com/twilight-series-second-leading-cause-of-puberty-among-girls-boys/ -
For all the hate this movie series got, is getting and is going to continue to get ... why are fanboys OBSESSED with it? Three reviews on the main page aloe tells me there's some serious Edward love in the fanboy pants around here. God, you want to just bend him over and tell him how awful his movie is, don't you all? I'm a fag, so I can get away with this kind of criticism. You all want to make him squeal like an undead pig and you know it. I hate passive-aggressive gaybashing.
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I feel your pain. Can't stand seeing people who can't act making a living doing it.
Jealous? Absolutely. I'd love to act for a living, and I know it will never happen. But seriously... it seems like there are more and more AWFUL actors with leading roles in movies and tv shows these days.
It's one thing if it's people who are at least TRYING, but when they're not even making an effort to better themselves and taking it seriously as a craft... -
camping out to see its movies. Not too much difference, except the SW fans got in the lineup queue a lot longer. Both enjoy their respective movie franchise. But New Moon will have to sustain a few weeks solely on the female fan base, while SW crossed all ages and genders.
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Alright guys, Im also submitting my review to our school paper, if some of you can make civilized comments I will try to include them in our feedback section.
"New Moon.
The second movie in the Twilight Saga is called New Moon and it was released tonight. Myself and seven other students from Stewart Home School were lucky enough to get to see the film this evening at the midnight screening. We attended the Cinemark at the Fayette Mall. This was my first time at this theater and it’s really cool. The seats are awesome and the sound system is in 3D. Anyone who has seen the previews knows how the movie starts. There is a birthday party for Bella, played by Mrs. Kristen Stewart, that goes wrong and makes Edward, played by the brilliant Mr. Robert Pattinson, realize he can no longer be her boyfriend and must move away. This makes Bella very sad. She finds that she can however still see ghost like images of Edward whenever her life is in danger. She tries various things to keep her excitement level high because that’s the only way she can feel close to Edward, she is super in love with him. As time goes by she starts to develop feelings for her friend Jacob, played by Mr. Taylor Lautner. Jacob starts to fall in love with Bella but he doesn’t tell her a big secret, he is a were wolf. This becomes known however when he is forced to transform to protect her from another Vampire named Laurent who is real uncool. He and another Vampire named Victoria, who never speaks in this movie, is mad at Bella for things that happened at the baseball game in the movie Twilight and things that happened after that also. A lot of people have been very critical of Bella’s character but I see where she is coming from. Bella loves Edward very much, and when he is gone she becomes very upset, has bad dreams, and leans on her friend Jacob. She is definitely in like with Jacob, but she loves Edward. When you see it that way it makes a lot more sense, I don’t think she is using Jacob, she just doesn’t love him she just likes him.
On the other side of the world Edward eventually receives word that Bella has been successful in committing suicide and decides he will commit suicide also. He decides to walk in the sun and reveal himself to the world so the Volturi will end him. The Volturi are only in a small part of the film but are very cool, and if the next movie is like the next book people are going to say they are about the best vampires in any movie ever.
Eventually Edward and Bella do reunite and find a way out of a very bad situation but there is a good chance that something from the last ten minutes of the movie will be very significant to the next movie that is supposed to be titled Eclipse and could be the last movie of the Twilight Saga.
The camera work in this movie is real cool, and there are a lot of scenes that are shot in ways you don’t see in most movies. I feel the camera works helps explain the emotion of certain characters that don’t talk a lot like Edward.
The dialogue is also very good and there are many times during the movie that you feel like you are hearing a real conversation not something from a movie. Talking in movies always slows things down but in New Moon its cool and the subjects talked about are real cool.
The acting is tremendous and Mrs Stewart does a great job and makes you feel every moment of hardship she experiences with Edward gone. Speaking of Edward, in my research he would be most comparable to a Marlin Brando for this generation. He is very expressive in the way he moves and broods, sometimes he doesn’t have to say anything and you know what he is thinking and going through. For super fans like me it’s also cool to see him in Rio and the dream/vision sequences with Bella.
I give Twilight 5 stars out of a possible 5. Although many movie sites have said it’s not a good movie I can testify it is a very good movie with real good acting and a lot of cool action and excitement and love. This is easily the best movie I have seen and far better than 2012 or Transformers 2 which are also ok but are not as deep but just have cool special effects. More than anything New Moon shows again what we learned from the first movie, that love is very powerful and it can help people through almost any situation.
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hahahahahahahahahahaha
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Please. Stop. My sides are hurting. Your emo-twink-Jett routine is too damned hilarious. Have some compassion.
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....
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Nov 20, 2009 7:03:09 AM CST
Several years later fans will wonder why they like these films.
by hollywoodhellraiser
Just like the fans of the Police Academy movies!
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got sued. when a room mate of hers in brigham young uni in utah, claimed that twilight novels were her idea and as a result. work stalled on the eclipse movie.
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is a lapsed mormon. if that is possible.
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Again, please shut the fuck up or kill yourself.
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i don't know how old you are, but judging by that review, your time is better spent studying than on a fansite for grown people.
and i don't mean your opinion. just your writing skill. -
Dude- every comment comment of yours is full of gay / fag comments and women issues. Stuck in the closet much? Maybe you should just out yourself. It's embarrassing. Until then maybe you can find a new way to insult movies you have a hate hard on for without playing your gay card all the time.
BTW- I'm gay and I haven't seen / wouldn't seen any movie based on these books. Trash in Trash out.
I'll get my vampires from Near Dark. -
'Gay' and 'Faggy' do NOT exclusively mean homosexual. Far from it. I use them freely to describe lame obnoxious people and I am as queer as a 3 dollar bill. You're right, it IS 2009 so how about you and everyone else finally recognize that almost every word in the English language has more than one meaning?
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we used to laugh at our gran's phrase you dirty faggot. or faggot and chips. or oh what a gay day.
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but where are they building the official attraction. universal studios florida. something not right there? me thinks that deal was a bit of a con. Harry potter had a british cast. everything else was american. UK did not benefit in anyway from the Harry potter franchise. publishers hated it. as it sucked the life out of everything else. Rowling is rolling in it.
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should have been located near alton towers.
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you will get death leaters from some TWITARDS hahaha you beater change to THIS IS THE BEASSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT MOVE EVEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR haha
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Nov 22, 2009 5:16:51 AM CST
The writer was responsible for DEXTER? Better and better.
by sepulchrave
I already hate Chris Weitz for his evangelical Christian castration of His Dark Materials, now we have a writer for one of the WORST shows on HBO; a loathsome, voice-over riddled barrel of racial and sexual stereotypes (Eh, I'm a fat Cubano who don't understand his chica, Hey, I'm a angry stupid African American man, Hey, I'm an Asian computer science nerd who like titties) and the grossest, most morally incoherent pretext ever; the sociopathic fighter for justice; a guy who tortures and murders for the good of his fellow men. Revolting show in every way.
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but as it is made by WB who owns new line. Weitz had no coice but to make the film the way he did. studio orders. america is a conservative country after all
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Nov 23, 2009 4:03:35 PM CST
my EXPERIENCE AND OPINION watching New Moon and twilight bluray
by meadowe
Because if I put "review" someone might try to hold me up to some sort of professional standard. Anyway as me and my Meadowechlorians were walking to the theatre I see a guy in his 30s-40s, about 5 foot 6, bald and a little overweight with a new moon shirt on. He looks like he may *possibly* be a little retarded. He's outside of the line and just walking around the outside box office. He sees us and smiles and points at us as if he's reuniting with old friends even though the only thing we have in common without us even saying it is that we're about to watch new moon. I've got my ipod on so I can't hear what he says. He turns around and points to the back of his shirt, which seems to be customized, that says HOWL AT THE MOON! CHAPTER II. While waiting in line I see him speaking to other people excitedly. He seems to be very enthusiastic about watching this, while the people he's speaking to, some older males obviously dragged into seeing this, and others who are "twi-hards" are @ varying degrees of discomfort talking to him, whether they want to see new moon willingly or not. About 3 percent of me wants to laugh at this guy and generalize every single "twi-hard" as being this pathetic and laughable. Yet the other 97%.....is a mirror image of him. Just like he's the opposite of what you think a twi-hard should be, im the opposite image of what a film-geek usually is. Besides, as dorky as he looks, we should all be as content as he is. He's totally psyched for this film. He may look like a doofus but he isn't hurting anyone. He's just trying to have his version of fun. So I let my guard down for a little and try to enjoy the experience. The previews are ok, I see that Percy Jackson fliq, a rob pattinson drama fliq with Pierce Brosnan as his dad, and my personal fave, Letters To Juliet because it has my fave of the moment, Amanda Seyfried. Anyway the movie starts and you hear Bella quoting shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet which immediately starts to irk me alread because it's as if most people don't know this is a "star crossed lovers" type of movie. From there on it's.....just there. when I'm faced with nothing substantial in the way of story my senses gravitate to "eye candy" whether it be male or ahem, female. And Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen filled that role. For all you guys there's decent shots of her cleavage (as much as you can get away with in twilight). When Bella goes to school she doesn't want anyone to make a big deal that it's her bday, so she wants no gifts. Someone does anyway and edward is mad that they get to give her a gift, and he expresses this in a very emosexual way that reminds me why I never wanted to see this. I guess Jasper has the power to influence moods (if I'm wrong well whatever I'm just guessing from the dialogue). Bella tells jasper to stop influencing her mood. Most of the people laughing @ the little moments like that are girls (no surprise since that's the demographic). At Bella's little bday party @ the cullen household she gets a "papercut" and I guess she has old faithful for a vein on her finger because it just starts gushing out blood. Jasper LOOKS LIKE A LESBIAN THAT JUST FOUND A TITTY TREE and goes after her, and edward stops him but he also strongly pushes Bella and she lands on a table, bleeding even more. So whereas before it was just Jasper, now ALL THE CULLENS LOOK LIKE SAID LESBIANS FINDING SAID TITTY TREE. They eventually compose themselves and later edward puts the second act in motion with the whole I don't wanna risk hurting you so me and my whole fam are outro spiel. they show Bella looking out her window and the seasons change out everytime they shoot around her (with subtitles insultingly saying October, November, December, etc. As if you're too stupid to realize that a lot of time has passed). This sets up the majority of the film, where we see things like Bella in bed screaming like it burns when she pees. During one of these episodes her dad wakes up suddenly while on the couch (why he's there we're not told). Imo its the best reaction to a sudden noise waking someone up since Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny saying "WHAT THE FUQ?" when he hears an owl outside his cabin. We see her discover that a rush will make her see and hear edward, first riding a motorcycle with some fugly middle aged guy, so she asks jacob to fix two bikes so they can ride together. And I love the fact that this 16 year old can basically make brand new motorcycles but only wants to get laid by a girl that's a 4 or 5 out of 10 that has tittle litties, but I guess that's what bakes his cake. That's one problem I had was that he's sprung on bella, when he can obviously have some choices. Maybe not enough chicks on the reservation? They should at least show why he's so smitten. Bella, Jacob, and her pussy friend Mike go see a movie called FACE PUNCH. You don't see what they're watching, just the 3 as they watch the movie, where you hear inane dialogue where Freakin or frickin is every other word, as if they saw that snl skit where the girl accidentally said fuck and said hey! Let's have a movie in a movie moment and have that skit in there, but we'll make it an action fliq instead of Megan Fox as a biker girl! Pussy mike can't stand what's *supposed to be* some crazy action scenes, and runs outside to puke. Anyway there's some MISSED OPPORTUNITIES AS FAR AS ACTION IS CONCERNED. The scene where the dreadlocked vamp Laurent is killed is only told in flashback, and a short pitiful one at that. I know he's up against like 3 or 4 wolves, but they should have shown more imo. And when Bella jumps off a cliff into the water, her pursuer Victoria is shown swimming her way. But next thing we see is another Edward apparation and jacob pulling her to safety. If Laurent could take on 3 or 4, I would've loved to see Victoria take on Jacob underwater for a little bit. Jacob's grandpa (I think it was his grandpa) suffers a heart attack and this affects Bella's dad much since they were buds. It kinda affected me too cuz he's played by the same guy who was the native american friend in Maverick swindling Mel Gibson and also Die Hard 3, and it was nice to see him again. His death set up imo the BEST BIT IN THIS MOVIE. Jacob and Bella are finally about to kiss, when a phone rings. Jacob answers "Swan residence." He suddenly becomes more serious and says something to the effect of, "he's not here, he's planning a funeral." Bella asks who it was. Jacob is evasive, saying something like, he's always getting in the way. He finally relents and admits it was edward, and Bella goes menstrual that he didn't give her the phone. Cut to a shot of Edward, looking emotionally fuqed up. I guess he was told Bella died during her swan dive and jacob's little half-truth about Bella's dad planning a funeral has pushed him off the emo edge. Although admittedly this sounds like the gay crap most bash this franchise for, I loved Jacob telling his little half-truth; it's pretty much the manliest thing anyone has done in this series. So this sets up the final act, where they race to stop Edward from revealing his gayazz sparkling and thus having the Volturi kill him for coming out the emovamp closet. They do, and we see the reason I even agreed to see this film, Dakota Fanning. In it she's, well, wearing red contacts and smiling sadistically while she mentally causes pain on others. I can't say I was let down because this is twilight so she did the best with what she was given. It was great to see Michael Sheen (spl?) in here as Aro, who is kind of the head of the Volturi. I really like the 1st 2 Underworlds and I think Kate Beckinsale is awesome, and since she found him worthy enough to knock her up in real life that makes him ok in my book. so Aro is fascinated that his powers of knowing everyone's thoughts once he touches them doesn't work on Bella, and even more so when Dakota can't harm her. The icing on the cake is when they're about to kill edward and Bella offers herself instead. Michael has me mesmerized with his reactions. I heard that the director actively pursued Sheen for this, and I'm glad he did. His acting chops along with Dakota's (though not in this fliq) and Ashley Greene are the saving graces of this for me. It ends with that wedding proposal, or should I say, Bella making a short surprised noise as reaction to the proposal. So basically it was a meh film. Nothing worthy of the records it broke (1 more record it will probably break is largest 2nd week nosedive since The Hulk) but not as nauseatingly bad as I had been dreading. I didn't get the do the whole "what's that smel? Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-DO OOOOOOKIEEEEEEE!!" because I figured, the fans of this crap are for the most part, "tweens" and that little period of innocence they have is fleeting, and it would be fuqed up for me to shorten that time for them. Now if they're my age or older, fuq it, it's on ;) and I'm running them down. One of my newest Meadowechlorians (who bought my ticket) goes on about the first fliq, and still trying to convert me, buys me the twilight bluray (new moon had Dakota and Michael Sheen and still didn't bake my cake, I don't know what she thinks the 1st might have on me). The one she buys is the target one with the extra disc no one but target has, so even though this "saga" doesn't bake my cake I'm never ungrateful to a gift. I watch it and I notice certain things that are different from new moon. One thing I notice is edward "kind of" dresses more like a teenage kid, wearing t shirts and utility vests, whereas new moon he's full on thrift store chic, almost always wearing a blazer. The gay azn kid is as gay as ever, I hope one thing they do for a future film is for him to admit he loves scrote. I find myself even more drawn to Ashley Green's Alice Cullen character, especially when she's introduced by Anna (?) Kendrick's character as a weird girl. I'm a "weird girl" admittedly so this resonated with me. In this one I'm kind of confused that Laurent (the dreadlocked vamp) warns the Cullens about the other two vamps and seems to show that he doesn't want to attack them or Bella. Yet in new moon he's solo and suddenly willing to kill her? Oh well. And Kendrick seems to be on the rise, it's nice to see her alongside Clooney and Vera in UP IN THE AIR. Otherwise it was more of the same. The bluray impressed me by stating that it has a target exclusive digital copy of the fliq AND most of the special features. That's one thing I don't like is not being able to dl special features to my ipod. But then I put in both bluray discs in my computer and nothing happened....? It (the bluray) had the chance to be something great, so far it doesn't live up to hype. The same with the "saga" itself. David Slade directed one of my fave fliqs Hard Candy and also 30 Days of Night, so maybe when Eclipse comes out in June he can do something with this series. One of, if not my BIGGEST ISSUES WITH THIS "SAGA" is that it other people lump people of my age and ESPECIALLY gender as loving this and this being 'our' ideal form of entertainment. My dad has been the primary person in the decade and a half I have been alive, and a lot of people are quick to point out that's why I'm a bit "quirky." But I like to think nature>nurture that even with more female role models I'd still not care for this series. Well anyway I hope I was able to articulate a decent opinion of this, I know it was a little long but I wanted to give as full a picture as possible to it and why I thought what I did.
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