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Massawyrm drops trou and offers a moon of his own to THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON!!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
Bella Swan is one of the most detestable, obnoxious, mentally unstable characters in modern American literature. She is a character so over the top that she borders on satire; and were she some sort of Holden Caulfield-like, deliberately unlikable character written with the intent to openly mock the ideals of modern romantic literature, she would be acceptable, if not perfect for the part. But Stephanie Meyer isn’t that self-aware. Instead, she has woven together a cloyingly insufferable romantic saga – a junkfood and cheesecake epic, if you will – centering around a woman who revels in, nay celebrates, how damaged she is. I dated a girl like Bella once. Thank god they make medication for girls like that now.
There is a rule about dating women like this that older generations often have to pass onto the younger: if a woman tells you she is trouble, if she tells you that you want no part in her problems, if she swears that she has too much shit in her life to fall in love, you need to fucking believe her. Because it is all true, every word of it. She is a woman so wrapped up in her own shit that she focuses like a laser beam on them making them the very essence of her personality. You will not save her. You cannot fix her. And she will be an absolute tempest of frustration and bitterness until she finds a way to get over her own shit. Yeah, Bella Swan is textbook; farm raised, corn fed cocktease bemoaning her pathetic lot in life. That women identify with her at all troubles me. That she’s the hero of this story is just plain unbelievable.
That’s not to say that I don’t understand the attraction. TWILIGHT is soap opera; neutered soap opera scrubbed clean of indecency to be sure, but soap opera none the less. In the place of the lurid we simply find the supernatural. And Meyer has found a way to turn the dark, shadowy world of the vampire into the pink frilly lace and teddy bears of a little girl’s room, creating a vampire archetype so bad it will stand for generations as an example of how badly classic monsters can be re-invented.
The review I wrote of the first film almost one year ago to the day still stands, and all of its critiques hold true for me for this mangled mess of a movie. Its attempts at creating a mythology are embarrassing at best, clearly lifting from sources that themselves were not the originators while occasionally creating an idea of its own only original for the sake of being so stupid no one else thought to put it in print. The romance is juvenile, over-sentimentalized and never truly shared with the audience and feels more akin to middle school romance than the concept of courtly love it often pretends to evoke. If you felt that Stewart and Pattinson lacked real chemistry before, just wait until you see how little time they spend together in love in this film. Sure there’s a few moment of canoodling meant to be tender, but there is still absolutely no meat to their relationship, no spark. Making matters worse is that when Pattinson leaves the picture for a while, we are treated to a second act that is merely a rehashing of the second act of the first film with a new love interest, complete with very similar lines of dialog and some of the exact same concepts.
There comes a point when you just have to ask yourself: how many supernatural creatures is this girl going to cocktease and have to endure them regaling her with speeches about how they don’t want to hurt her – and by hurt her mean beat the ever loving shit out of her before eating her. Seeing this tired cliché the first time around was understandable. It’s a classic female fantasy. Just as men desire to be the one man to conquer the ice queen, so too do women pine for being the girl to tame the savage beast. But when Bella loses her vampire and begins leading a werewolf around by the dick, you’ve got to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this girl.
And just as that comes to its inevitable conclusion, with Bella once again being the prized pony in the show, her boyfriend re-enters the film and we’re presented with a classic Casablanca problem. Does Bella run off with the dangerous soulless vampire who she is terrified of growing old with (because, really, if you thought Bella wasn’t shallow enough, adding in nightmares about growing old and unattractive with an unaging boyfriend will seal the fucking deal) or remain with the dependable, barrel-chested, good natured guy who has been looking out for her since minute one. Let’s see, dangerous guy, comfortable guy? Dangerous guy? Comfortable guy?
Yeah. By hour four of this terrible series, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that Meyer is going to make the wrong choice, and she does it again here. But not before rolling out a series of relationship clichés and a third act with the stunning lack of a climax. Seriously. Two hours and ten minutes and the movie has NO CLIMAX. It just ends, punctuated by one of the most hysterical final lines in cinema history. People about fell out of their seats, laughing at the last moments - even women digging the film. It was so bad friends of mine couldn’t make eye contact with one another without bursting into tears and doubling over.
As a film it is a gawdawful mess that will be forgiven by most as being diet soda for the masses. But as a startlingly BAD movie however, it is immensely entertaining. The wooden, soap opera-esque, Joey Tribiani “Smell My Fart” acting is in full effect, with the stilted dialog achieving Near-Shatnerlike proportions. The pauses are forced and every emotion is overwrought as if this wasn’t a feature film but a high school play starring the prettiest girl in school (while the most talented one has four lines and is directed to be a buffoon - Yes, I’m looking at you Anna Kendrick). Blame the dialog all you want, try to defend it by saying “That’s what they say in the book,”, but these kids can’t handle it and everyone, I mean everyone, comes off as terrible, terrible, terrible.
Then there are moments that seem to either be director Chris Weitz being tongue in cheek, fully aware of what he is doing or so blatantly unaware that it becomes hilariously appalling. When a werewolf discusses his nature by saying that “it isn’t a lifestyle choice” – that he was born the way he is – it would almost be forgivable if he and his four muscle bound buddies weren’t marching around in jean shorts and nothing else. These guys were a Weather Girls song away from being a parade all their own and it is all you can do not to want to take up a collection to buy them all t-shirts. And these moments are far from being alone. If the glittery vampire stuff wasn’t gay enough for you the first time around, this movie almost feels like it is winking at you with how far they take a few of the jokes and leering menace.
Then of course there are the werewolf fights in which wolves that make you want to raise your fist in the air and shout FALCOR! wrestle around in reskinned digital leftovers from the polar bear fight in Weitz’s THE GOLDEN COMPASS. This is perhaps the one glowing, redeemable part of the movie, if only to serve to remind us how far the effects have come from the first film. And by far I mean to say that they are now simply lacking, not mind boggling in its ineptitude.
But what are you gonna do, right? It’s the new glitter encrusted Myspace page. The new power ballad playing hair band. The new Jelly Shoes. It is that embarrassing trend that women will look back on ten years from now and blush. For the time being we have to endure it and hope that some good comes out of it. Recently I gasped and gnashed my teeth with the rest of fandom as NEAR DARK (a film I actually referenced in my initial TWILIGHT review) was rereleased with very TWILIGHT inspired box art. And I was kind of shocked until I started enjoying the idea of young vampire loving geek girls seeing what a really good vampire movie looked like. If it leaves us with some genre loving nerd girls, I can endure two more potentially shitty movies. But only two. This is pretty god damned ridiculous as is; I can’t imagine how it could get much worse.
If you see this, see it with beer or with promise of sex afterward. Just don’t let her lather up your dong in body glitter. You have to draw the line somewhere.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Got something for the Wyrm? Mail it here.
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i knew it!!! and there are more movies to come!!! arrgh.twilight has ruined comicon too
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I was so close to being first :(
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...but I still love reading his reviews.
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My chick wants to see this shiticane Saturday. I'll get properly liquored up beforehand.
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and i'll be sure to avoid dating those problem chicks that you mentioned.
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Please let's not discuss this turd, kthxbai.
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this generation. That is all
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And thank you Massa for not only reviewing, but exposing this piece of shit for what it is: a badly written tween-aimed chick lit crap with "vampires" in it, and I use the term "vampire" with EXTREME caution. It is meant for girls IQ 75-90, not for fucking human beings. It's for those kind of tweens who pay 1 thousand dollars to see Hanna fucking Montana live. Now, why doesnt the FUCKING AYATOLLAH ask for the death of Stephenie Meyer instead of Salman Rushdie?
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...glittery buckets of cum thanks to this review.
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spot on sir. spot on.
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Enough said...Bella could be on screen for 2 hours and say nothing but literally "blah blah blah" and it wouldn't matter cuz women put themselves in her shoes, the rest is window dressing.
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Are good for one thing, they are great in the sack!
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....that very, VERY few guys are going to like this film. If any.
My sister BEGGED me to try reading the first book in order to see "why it's so great". I couldn't make it past page forty. Everything detestable about the movie was magnified by a power of ten.
There's one simple truth to this series: It's for girls. Period.
I even got my sister to watch "The Hunger", "Near Dark" and "Let the Right One In" as examples of what a contemporary vampire film should be. Surprise surprise- with the exception of "The Hunger" (which she thought was OK) she hated them all. Conceptions have changed with this series, like it or not.
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I tried to read the book. And believe, me, it's terribly written, and once you can read Bella's inner thoughts, you realize that Mass' first 2 paragraphs in this review are HILARIOUSLY on-point.
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So they endure whatever shlock they have too in order to satisfy the need. It's ok, men do it too. We're all guilty.
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It's like Black Friday for them.
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...in the history of reviews. Well played Massa, well played.
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Well, what you can do is not buy a ticket. If no one went--poof!--no more "Twilight" movies. But people will go. Let me rephrase--women will go. Just like guys went to the smelly Rocky sequels. Because just as there's an appetite in the male world for monosyllabic Italians prancing around in a boxing ring, and gigantic robots beating the crap out of each other, there exists in the female world a similar craving for cinematic junk food. I don't claim to understand it, or justify it, but obviously, it's there. Maybe if Hollywood gets around to filming the Philip Wylie novel "The Disappearance," it will all make sense.
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It is really fucking obvious that the majority of people who come to this site are not interested in seeing this movie or any future movies in the series. Hating on Twilight is simply played out, and too easy.
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Nov 19, 2009 9:12:57 AM CST
I feel you, Wyrm... I was fool enough to date TWO women like tha
by yotzvonfrelnik
Seriously, Wyrm is righter than righteous on this. You have to pump someone like this full of confidence and then the next day it's RESET button all over again. Completely f#$%ing exhausting.
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Since this is what the mindless and stupid masses want, any real artist such as myself trying to make headway in filmmaking are fucked.
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And that review made my day. I'm tepmted to rent this when relaeased on DVD...sounds hilarious.
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for us all so that we don't have to.
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Seriously, the Twilight characters are like the "Freaks of the Month" you'd see in the pages of Preacher.
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Nov 19, 2009 9:19:12 AM CST
Pretty sure this review is everything Quint's tried not to be.
by mmackk
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Horrible films, horrible books - one big glittery cash cow. Fuck em
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From what the wife has told me that book is a DISASTER structure wise, content wise, story wise, character wise. If you thought the first two books and films had no climax. You have no idea how much worse it gets.
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Nov 19, 2009 9:21:40 AM CST
A related video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ByDWdGrfu0
by misterface
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assault the Collective Consciousness at the same time? I think not.
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... because I'm still recovering from gender-shame over the success of "Transformers 2."
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I didn't think these movies could get any worse after they broke out that gay glittery vampires bit and fake ass vampire speed ala a super friends episode starring the flash.
I laughed my ass off with this review though. Lines like "smell my fart acting" and "Falcor!" The funniest part is the fact that you're dead on. -
... say what you really think.
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if they stick close to the book, I wonder how they will handle it?
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Nov 19, 2009 9:31:29 AM CST
"I will put all the money in the hands of 13 year old girls...
by gabba-uk
They will think you are deep, charismatic and EDGYYYY....ooooooaaaarrhhhhhh." I'm always reminded of that great 'Suck Satans cock' routine from Bill Hicks Revalations whenever Twilight is mentioned. If this is the level of tripe that tweens eat up like candy from a peado, then the cultural future of the human race is fucked!
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i don't know if anyone here reads his website, but a while ago, he started a round-robin piss-take of the Twilight series, called "Potato Moon"
You can start reading it here if you're interested : http://tinyurl.com/yh2hgym
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Nov 19, 2009 9:33:04 AM CST
Twilight is realy terrible and certainly not cool Review Misfits
by lane_myers111
Its criminal you havent reviewed or given an opinion on new british superhero show "Misfits"..first episode aired last monday and the second is tonight. Great first episode. Brilliant script,interesting characters,very promising. Its like a dirtier version of heroes (or xmen). What other show has a scene of one girl running from a psychotic killer being combined with a young hot chick giving some pretty good simulated head to a bottle.answer "misfits"
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And why is it so funny
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and totally agree..
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"I'M STEPHANIE MEYER AND I NEVER READ DRACULA ITS TOO SCARY"
Fuck you, you Mormon cunt rag. -
White people sure know how to screw up the vampire mythos...
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Nov 19, 2009 9:40:37 AM CST
do we really believe a vampire movie taken by a book written by
by professor_bedlam
Come on man! there alright but worthy of a full budget movie with true drama and amazing action I just don't see it! Everyone thought this was going to have Harry potter numbers so far not even close! Lets be real! Ok If Anna Rices books which are better by the way did so lackluster Profits that had better imagination! Do we really think these books and movies are really that good? The smart thing was these books were catered to tweens that really don't know any better! That don't know what makes a great story!
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Did you just break up with a grilfriend or are you just in desperate need of getting laid? Seriously i know the movie sucks ass, but you just wrote that review as an excuse to bash women, for those unwilling to read the long review here's the abridged versionNew moon is Rabble rabble, women make bad decisions, rabble rabble rabble stupid women and the things they like, rabble rabble, fucking glitter whores, rabble rabble why will no one love me rabble!"
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In the TB on Quints review of this turd, someone mentions that a 40 something woman asked the 17 year old kid Lautner to sign her panties. Now if a 40 year old guy asked, oh i dunno, a 17 year old girl to do something like that, he would be branded a pedophile (rightfully so) and hauled off to jail. But I guess people must think it's cute for housewives to be lusting after underage boys because no one blinks a fucking eye when that happens. Either way, man or woman, it's just sick. But it's just disgusting when it gets overlooked simply because the woman is the one lusting after the underage kid. Why is society ok with that?Thank god only two more movies of this bullshit, that will make four movies I will never ever watch in my lifetime.I will go out on a limb and say probably $70-$90 million opening weekend just from all the advance ticket sales, and a HUGE dropoff next weekend (like 60%), it might barely crack $200 mil, bit just barely. We can only hope it bombs.
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Why, oh why, does this character keep coming up in art? Where is the self-assured, put together, mentally stable woman? Okay, so there's Juno. Annnnnnd theeeeeenn?
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Massa, we don't always agree, but this review was fantastic. Well done, sir.
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very well written and importantly funny
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...what's the last line? I need a good laugh.
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belive it or not, the last line is "Werewolves only ememy now was the Frankestiens"
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...and I liked it, because I thought I was going to hate it.
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Was she hot, or fat? Because that makes a difference.
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Yep, didn't watch the first movie, won't watch this trash, and I could care less how so called "Great" that the books are because I picked one of the Twinkle novels up and realized that it was written in sophmoric first person prose, and I couldn't make it past the first paragraph. Good to know that the crappy movies are just as crappy as the crappy books...Which means that it's going to make a crap load of money...Crap.
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Nov 19, 2009 10:18:01 AM CST
You guys don't review over half the films that come out
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
Even some event films go by the wayside, yet here you all are clambouring over each other to see this shit.
You guys do know how to get laid right?
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I need a good laugh.
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Very interesting, actually, as was your review of TWILIGHT a year ago. I have to wonder, however, if your personal experiences with certain girls of your past are coloring your views on these films to the point of blind hatred. Not that I'm suggesting you should like the movies. I myself am no TWILIGHT lover. (Haven't seen NEW MOON yet.) But I will give that first film this. What made it click with its appreciators was the very real energy and sexual tension between the two lead actors.In your TWILIGHT review, you made reference to how Edward felt "somehow strangely connected to" Bella, to his "inexplicable love". And you clearly dismiss Bella's attraction to him as being the classic female longings for the "sullen", mysterious boy "from the wrong side of the tracks". I would argue that there was simply a genuine and actually rare kind of chemistry between the two, and this was the one thing the movie had going for it. If nothing else, it at least had this.
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Nov 19, 2009 10:22:03 AM CST
Believe it or not, I almost believed jett but his grammar
by supercowbell5thecowbellhasspoken
Was just fucking awful. But I wouldn't doubt twilight bringing in Frankensteins and buff zombies with 6 packs and having that pouty faced shallow bitch with an underbite fall in love with the one who's the most in shape.
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Nov 19, 2009 10:22:26 AM CST
I didn't need Massa to tell me this was shit.
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
But at least his review was entertaining and he doesn't pull punches unlike Capone and Quint.
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I hope he dies from an anal pentetration wound.
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Smell my fart.
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A reincarnated kid in android form with machine guns in his tuckus is more kickass than fucking lovesick vampires and werewolves any day. Plus he gets the crap beat out of him a LOT but bounces back for more, whereas this Bella chick can't even be without her boyfriend for like 5 minutes without wanting to off herself. A wimp is a wimp whether male or female. I've read 2 of the books to see what the fuss was about, and I still can't see what the fuss is all about. As a writer Meyer is on a par with J.K. Rowling, however; she's actually better with humor, can write about human beings more convincingly, but can't create believable relationships for shit. (Hermione and Ron? I still don't get it. Edward and Bella? What does he see in her? She's a drip). Oh well, this crap ain't for me anyway. Let the girls have their fun. God knows there are few enough movies made just for them as it is. I remember when Hollywood used to make great romantic comedies both genders could enjoy ("When Harry Met Sally", "Bruce Almighty" and "Hitch" were so fucking great. Nothing better helps you to bond with a girl than a movie that makes you both laugh your asses off). Man, I miss movies like that...
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Nov 19, 2009 10:34:27 AM CST
I mentioned this review to my GF and now we're in a fight.
by wickedjester
Thanks Massa.
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We are just as bad as Meyer fans. Come on guys, admit it.
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Nov 19, 2009 10:36:04 AM CST
Holy shit those books have some of the worst dialouge ever
by supercowbell5thecowbellhasspoken
Oh my god I was just reading some quotes from them and they are hilariously bad. "Hold on a second. I think I’m having an epiphany here" what? Or "Because she’d rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married" what the... "His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire."
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Has to be something hysterical.
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When are you guys going to get it? These movies aren't designed for you! AICN has to review it though; it's too big a part of pop culture to ignore, sorry.
These books made teenagers read a BOOK. That is impressive in itself for a generation raised on texting lol and omg as if they don't know what actual words are. Who knows? Some of them might be willing to read more interesting fare.
By the way, guys have plenty of stupid movies that make a lot of money--Transformers 2, anyone?--so don't act as if liking stupid shit is a gender thing! -
Your sacrifice shall be remembered.
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Prepare to evacuate all decent moviemaking.
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Harry should be all over this shit.
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Harry should be all over this shit.
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Harry should be all over this shit.
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Maybe like, as a school requirement. This is corrupting brains, stop the insanity, etc.
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The books were great, the movie was garbage.
Massawyrm is the best reviewer on this website.
Twilight is a strange beast. It's bad, hilariously bad. It's a movie I love to hate. It's a parody unto itself. Vampire that shine like diamonds? The weird Cullen adult/child/incest/pedo-sex/poligamy/brothel/living situation clan that they have going ? The vampire baseball montage was crazy so fucking bad. But it's an instant fucking parody! It's such a fucking piece of shit worthy of being mocked. Wow! I can't wait to read Harry's review! I still can't believe that he gave it a positive review! -
Women do make bad decisions, they are stupid if they like this, they are also glitter whores if they like this, and they all have self esteem issues so they do think no one loves them.
Oh yeah, and rabble rabble rabble rabble. -
Then see it.
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"Like it or not Bella you've entered into a war thats been brewing for the better part of a century, between Vampires and lycans...werewolves"
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You're a trooper.
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I've been promised that since I was a wee little lass.
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I'm calling shennigans on that, mainly just because you said it.
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remains a fucking cute hot piece of ass!
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I'm gonna yell out @ the theatre tomorrow before (or maybe AFTER considering how bad you say the final line is) "WHAT'S THAT SMELL? DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DOOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" ;)-
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BELLA"But how can I be pregant...I mean we didn't..."
EDWARD
yeah Vampires can inseminate anally nowBELLAOH NOES!THE END -
The girls (women) in my department were GUSHING about Twilight to each other a week or so ago, right before they launched into breathless praise for the amazing spectacle that was Transformers 2. There was also much talk of love for Confessions of a Shopaholic and Bride Wars. One of them is on medication for "mania." Thank god for headphones. -
People need to watch that
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The majority of talkbackers despised "Transformers 2." It's not a gender issue for many of us but rather an issue of taste. The "Twilight" novels are bad Harlequin Romance (without the page or two of sexual release). It's cheesy, pulpy, cliche-riddled emotiporn. It's literature only in the same sense that Thomas Kinkade paintings are art. The first movie (and apparently the second) is poorly written and horribly filmed, with special effects that would embarrass a junior college film class. Don't attack people who despise this garbage and vent their anger toward the demographic making it popular.
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Nov 19, 2009 11:06:36 AM CST
"There was also much talk of love for Confessions of a Shopaholi
by ricarleite2
I read that and just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
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Be easy on the teeth!
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THAT is how a movie review should read. Notice how Messa incorporates his life experiences (as far as we know) into his reviews in a way that’s relevant AND entertaining? None of the stupid paragraphs of self-indulgent reminiscing we have to wade though with certain other reviewers, which sometimes don’t even relate to the movie being reviewed! “I remember when I was 8 and my daddy blah blah blah, drove me and my sisters 50 miles in the snow, blah blah, monster squad, blah blah, hiding behind my fingers, blah. Fright night blah” etc etc! To be fair, Quint has pulled it together recently, but Harry “I hated this so much that I ended up loving it” Knowles, and his ambiguous rating system “best movie I’ve seen this year” (till the next week). Get it together man!! Keep it up Messa! Your one of the few contributors that doesn’t come off like he has just lost his virginity the previous week, or shites on about his Girlfriend/Wife at every opportunity!
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The Twilight series isn't an adaptation of a book series.
Rather, it's an adaptation of your typical Abercrombie & Fitch catalog. -
Nov 19, 2009 11:12:43 AM CST
I ADMIT I QUITE FANCIED CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC
by bringingsexyback
I've been a fan of Isla Fisher since Def, Maybe.
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It sounds hilarious, but there's no way I'm sitting thru 2 hours of this crap to get to it.
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EDWARDBella look out it's the rival mummy gang and they main one has high cheek bones and pouty eyesBELLANow i'm in love with him. Please Mummy, put a baby in me
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"Please remember to pick up your manhood at the claim check."
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can't call her vampires pussies or gay anymore, the vampire mythos has a new king
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These pale emo goths aren't real vampires
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No really, I did.
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after asking Edward why she and him can't be together he says: "because i'm with jacob now, i like how his fur feels on my bare chest." and then Bella leaves, vowing to never shave her legs or down there again in the hopes he takes her back.
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Nov 19, 2009 11:36:14 AM CST
christopher lee is alive and well...but as dracula he would slee
by jettl93
And I'm sure he thinks these new vampires are emo gay fags
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...and has a career that most actors would kill for. Check out his annual Christmas greeting on the official Christopher Lee Web site. It's hysterical. He's got so much on his plate, the greeting goes on for 20 minutes.
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Jetts "werewolves only enemy frankenstiens" bad grammar and all. Classic
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I thought I saw a NEW MOON last night...but it was only URANUS!
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EDWARD
"No Bella, I am your father"
BELLA
"Nooo, thats impossible
EDWARD
"Not really, these movies are just stolen cliche's from other books and movies, you had to know we'd rip off starwars at somepoint"
BELLA"Oh Edward, thrust your Lightsaber into my dagobah" -
Now they were vampires! That boy scratching at the window fucked my head up as a kid.
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If Disney decided to make a horror/soap opera it would be called Twilight. This is a shit movie for the Jonas Brothers type crowd and I think it's pretty damn safe to say that a few years from now the Twilight series will be dead because their fans will have grown up and like with any popular fad have moved on. Same can be said for the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana etc so milk these franchises while you can because soon their fan base will grow out of this crap like they have boy bands and Mary Kate/Ashely Olsen type shit.
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Nov 19, 2009 11:59:59 AM CST
I think we've seen the end of Nerd_Rage
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
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...is a 108-year old man hanging around high school and trying to score with underage girls. How romantic. I pointed that out to my pre-teen daughter, and she gave the "he's stuck at his age" defense. I told her that he's still been around for over 100 years, and no matter how you look at it that's like 90 years longer than Bella. It actually worked, and her love for the series has definitely diminsished to acceptable proportions.
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I don't own any of his films in any format and until he releases the original trilogy in it's original theatrical format re-processed on Blu-Ray he won't get any of it. And you cannot compare fanboy love for Star Wars which we all know is hyper-critical at times with the blind adoration of Twifans. Even Harry has made a 180 and admits that Phantom Menace sucks.
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Fucking hell, was that sheer venom in that "review"?
I use quote marks as, well, can you call it a review when you basically just trashed the ideas of the stories rather than going into the film?
And I'm no fan by the way.
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And that's for the best.
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Nov 19, 2009 12:07:25 PM CST
BringingSexyBack tis a day to be remembered
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
when the loudest voice of true insanity cried out, and was suddenly silenced.
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@DoctorWho?, I also like The Golden Compass way more than I expected. But then again, I've never read the books.
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Shows a different story. Seems like the majority have given Lucas their cash. And yes any fanboy who puts up with anakin skywalker and padmei love is just as guilty as teh chicks watching twilight. My point is, we all support crap as guilty pleasure and seeing nerd geeks picking on girls is pretty funny when we're just as bad as they are for other bullshit. Transformers? GIJOE?
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Nov 19, 2009 12:10:43 PM CST
the_shogun_gunslinger, it wasn't a bad film
by nomoredirtyjokespleaseweareyanks
just flat. Minimal spectacle.
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just sayin.
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The worst thing (among many bad things) about Nerd_Rage was his repetition. Same shit, all day everyday. And the Zing! thing. That was just embarassing.
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This review is obviously a plant based on that lie.
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..should be guaranteed to get laid afterwards.Otherwise they are hopeless p-whipped losers. (I'm not refering to the 11-17 year old younglings either. kids have an excuse in their favor.)isn't this meyer woman a Mormon BTW?
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I should say, young guys. As a young guy I would go to any length and put up with nearly any drama a young girl could dish out if I thought I was going to get even a sniff of pussy. As an older guy, if I could go back and relive my life, I would immediately tell at least two or three girls from my past to go fuck themselves and walk out the door without a backwards glance. But what do you do when you're young, stupid and get random erections for no apparent reason?
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When they can't ever fucking make up their god damn mind and it drives you crazy....well this is that in a movie form.
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This is not jus tloved by tween girls and patheticalyl simple-minded obese housewives and/or cat collectors. Highly intelligent women I have known for years and whose opinion I respect greatly, LOVE this shit. I'm just absolutely flabbergasted by it. I ask them what they see i nthis tripe and it's the same old "guilty-pleasure" argument. Where is the "pleasure" in such badly written, derivative, and embarassingly schmaltzy books, and even worse films? It truly has me worried for the world that otherwise tasteful and intelligent adult females buy into this garbage.
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I think it was you I trashed, Massa, at your review of Gentlemen Broncos. I take it all back. Number 1, I have since seen Hess's movie and it was lackluster at best and number 2, this is easily the funniest review of a movie I've ever read. Seriously, side splitting stuff. I'm dying to see this modern Plan 9 From Outer Space now! Champion work sir!
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and that it was not just fanboys who made up that audience. If it were, Lucas would be a pauper. And it's obvious he didn't give a crap about what the fanboys thought when he made the prequels. I can't disagree with you about both fanboys and fangirls being both silly, but Twifans take it to another level with their childish shrieking, their Twilight Moms and the fact that the original Star Wars was actually quality entertainment where as this is just derivative tripe.
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I have one friend, she's smart as a whip, plays D&D 3.5 religiously, is a psychology major yet is infected like them all. The worst thing was at first she scoffed at the whole thing but was suddenly turned in one fucking night. Now when I jump on facebook its a massive clash of cultures as I spew bile at Twilight. Then her and ALL her female friends, relatives and aquaintances back her up. What the FUCK????
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Its no surprise this movie sucks. Chuck and Buck and suck and fuck needs to stick with low key comeides.
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And I can attest to that of which he speaks. I also know intelligent women who love this crap. I guess, I have my guilty pleasures as well, but I don't get all slobbery over them.
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I cant wait to see this..and yes i will be under the influence of many a stimulant.
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What's particularly scary about one woman I know is that she's not even a geek. She's a beautiful( albeit single), vivacious, sociable, intelligent woman and she can't get enough. It's like she's brainwashed.
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...where the hell were you with that relationship advice 10 years ago?
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so in a way it is like brainwashing. Just like politicians play the patriotic card because it hits people on an emotional level. This Meyer chick has tapped into something deep in the female psyche and it's not good. If anything it confirms my suspicions of women all along.
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The first two paragraphs of your review are far more engaging than the sum of the positive aspects of his entire piece on the same movie.
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than watch another Twilight.Out of curiousity, me and the misses rented this dreck and i was bored outta my fucking skull to the point of 6 'intermissions" worst take on vampires ever and makes me long for the decent vamp genre films like interview,JC's vampires,Bram stoker's dracula and of course Blade. (yeah, i snuck that one in, so effin what?)If these 'intellegent" women are dumb enough to this psuedo-romantic emo vampire flick, then they can be weak enough to fall for the right lines and end up in some guy's bed.Am I Right?
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Please read this and tell me what you think. What I really hate about these stories is what they say about is going in our society. Men supplicate to women, they pour affection on women, and shower them with self esteem all because they have a pussy. Women have become spoiled by this treatment. Women, like Bella, do not have to be talented, interesting, kind, or even respectful towards others. They are praised by men just for being alive. And, like Bella, women they have taken the affection of men for granted for so long that now only dark, brooding men with magic super powers can only fascinate them. Through Twiglight women are given this fantasy that no human man could ever live up to. Real men don't have super powers, they are not part of a dangerou secret supernatural cabal. But what does Bella do to real men? She treats them like shit. Not only does Twilight validate the pretty-litte-princess fantasy world of infinite positive reinforcement for their vapid personalities, but it actually takes it even further by telling them that only magic men are worthy of them. It wouldn't be so bad if Bella was not such a shallow, detestable character. But there's nothing good about her personality that makes her worthy of any man's affection, much less that of magic men.
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Nov 19, 2009 1:09:15 PM CST
But when Bella loses her vampire and begins leading a werewolf a
by manifestchaos
hahahahahahahaha
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I am the last person on earth who would claim any association with feminism, and I have been called a misogynist more than once, but do you really see any room to complain about some ripped off emo-tween fantasy series creating "unreasonable expectations" on the part of women toward men, given the decades of female objectification in cinema (to say nothing of pornography)?I mean, I agree that everything you say is a valid interpretation of the (awful) books, and if you are wishing Stephanie Myers had been aborted from the womb I'm right there with you, I just don't see the point in raising these criticisms when the reverse is so much more overwhelming and the material itself is such rubbish.
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I enjoyed this review a great deal! I love it so much, I will read it twice) The magic of words is strong with you.
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I think the widespread popularity of these books among women is a manifestation of the problem that I always suspected was there. These books certainly contribute to it and embolden women to be even more self-centered. The fact that they are aimed at the tween crowd when girls are more impressionable makes it worse. I'm not sure if objectifying women is really the "revserse" of this since this all about self esteem. Modern women have self esteem shoveled on them their entire lives from weak men who would do anything for their affection. Women are given so much power over men that women can relate to a fictional woman who has the power to make a werewolf and a vampire fight each other just to be with her. These books are popular among women because they allow them to revel in their fantasies: to be desired by powerful men. Women are already desired by real men and are spoiled and bored by it, so only supernatural men are enough to make them feel good.
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That is all
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You're doing God's work. Thank you, sai.
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She's more than a woman.
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that "NOT" should've been at the end of the sentence....ah whatever
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Men on average are more fucked in the head.
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"..Modern women have self esteem shoveled on them their entire lives from weak men who would do anything for their affection. Women are given so much power over men that women can relate to a fictional woman who has the power to make a werewolf and a vampire fight each other just to be with her. These books are popular among women because they allow them to revel in their fantasies: to be desired by powerful men. Women are already desired by real men and are spoiled and bored by it, so only supernatural men are enough to make them feel good."the same type of BS happens on HBO's true Blood as bill the vampire goes through so much trials and tribulations for his Human love interest; Sookie. You think for a sec if i were immortal with powers, that i would chase some run of the mill peice of ass,when there are better opportunities out there? genres like this and twilight can be deemed as comfort food for a woman's ego.Although True Blood is far superior than twilight.
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Yeah she's a dude.
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Harry Potter = Enraged Evangelicals.
Twilight = Mormon Funding.
Harry Potter FTW. -
Her blood has a sweetness to it and she's more than human...
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And, now we get sexy Werewolves!Where?There, look! It is a sexy werewolf.
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Nov 19, 2009 2:09:17 PM CST
Also: Twilight series is the Sarah Palin of vampire fiction.
by dickballsworth
You betcha, guys and gals!
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I don't think there's a problem with these movies. I'd say for the most part women are pursued by weak men, not real men. You want to find out what fucked up fantasies women REALLY have, read that book by Nancy Friday...
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But that does not surprise me. Hopefully Sookie is not such an ice cold bitch as Bella.
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... and a ROME movie remains in developement hell for years. There is no god!
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...just so you all know how bad it gets. They get married, have lots of hard sex that gives Bella lots of bruising. She gets pregnant with a half human/half vamp baby, it grows quickly and explodes out of her chest, she dies and Edward turns her into a vamp. She is the most beautiful vamp they have ever seen and her special power is like a protective force field. Because she protects everyone, the final battle is the good guys simply talking to the bad guys. Oh, and Jacob falls madly in love with Renesme, the baby. I'M NOT KIDDING, AND YOU THINK YOU LAUGHED AT NEW MOON, BLOODY HELL IT GETS WORSE PEOPLE!
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Because that is fucking disturbing.
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Nov 19, 2009 2:51:20 PM CST
SOUNDS LIKE A VAMPIRE STORY WRITTEN BY A MORMON WOMAN
by bringingsexyback
FFS!
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To see if oneletter is joking....
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Nov 19, 2009 2:59:11 PM CST
D&D, comic books, sci-fi conventions, filking!
by hey_kobe_tell_me_how_my_ass_tastes
What do they all have in common? Male geeks going butt-shit crazy!
Not trying to defend Twilight books - but find it laughable that male-geeks who cry over a comic book character getting a costume change, think they are superior to female geeks who love twilight. Crap is crap no mater the gender. -
I just wikipediaed it.
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I wouldn't say men are 'more' fucked up...just fucked up in different way. We have our issues...they have theirs.
I know it's frustrating for the average good guy to know the girls are fantasizing about the 'all powerful bad boy'. Much like the ladies are probably disgusted by the doofus who worships the dumb blonde bimbo with the fake tits and pouty lips.
This is why God created Castle Boutique. -
Nov 19, 2009 3:11:01 PM CST
so right DrWho...i'm tellin ya, check out that Nancy Friday
by turketron_2
Book. RAPE FANTASIES OUT THA ASS.
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Nov 19, 2009 3:11:21 PM CST
I have been saying you are mad for a long time BNB
by hey_kobe_tell_me_how_my_ass_tastes
Glad to see you acknowledge it! Grin!
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fanboys crying over a superhero's costume change and a Twifans Beatlemania response to it's stars, but the difference is that Twilight is crap. While Star Wars, Star Trek, Superman, etc. are not crap. At least not the entire catalogue. Whereas everything Twilight is indefensible crap. Even most Twifans will admit that it is but a guilty pleasure.
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neither of us is going to scream and cry like an infant if we ever saw her at a Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy convention. At least, I wouldn't. I shouldn't speak for BSB.
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But that's just because it's Zooey.
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Did you know Zooey just wrapped a movie with Natalie Portman?!! I had no freaking clue because apparently AICN was too busy covering Twishit to report on this.
Dude this will be the best movie of 2010!!
"Your Highness is the title of an upcoming fantasy comedy film to be released October 1, 2010.[1] Filming for the production began in the summer of 2009 in Northern Ireland[2] and is scheduled to conclude in the middle of October, 2009.
Plot
Danny McBride is a lazy, arrogant prince whose brother (James Franco) must go on an epic quest in order to save their father's kingdom. Natalie Portman plays a warrior princess who is also the lazy prince's love interest.[4] Zooey Deschanel plays Belladonna, Franco's virginal bride.[5] Justin Theroux plays Leezar, the evil wizard who kidnaps Belladonna."
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Like the porn star?
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Yo Massa what's the word on Your Highness?
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if they go the princess bride route. Maybe with a little harder edge. I'm impressed that they got such quality actresses for such a movie. And Danny McBride is easily the funniest thing in anything he's in. Nevertheless, I'm glad Zooey is not his character's love interest, because that would be just gross.
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which is an apt name for a character played by Zooey Deschanel.
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And Portman can definitely bring the funny. Oh my God October 2010 can't come soon enough!
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What a perfect name for her.
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In Pornese.
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Is something like this: Bella wants to be transformed into a vampire by Edward. He finally accepts but with one condition.
Bella:What condition?
Cut to close up of Edward with a slight push in.
Edward:That you marry me.
Fade out.
Roll Credits
Laugh your ass off while you leave the theatre -
I LAUGHED AND FUCKING LAUGHED
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Even in Hell.
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Did i get this right? A 100 years guy asks a 16 years old to marry him? That's the ending of the movie? that's the stuff that's making today's girls dream? to get married before reaching adulthood? What the fuck is this bullshit? Is this the fucking middle ages or something? Fucking shit, women today are so unpreaciative of the freedoms that they have today thanks to the efforts of the feminism movement throughout the 19th and 20th century. Today's girls want to be married at late teens? Give me a fucking break!
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the Fright Night remake into. No matter what is written the studio is going to say "make it more like twilight". I wouldn't be surprised if Pattinson gets the Sarandon role.
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Once this silly teen angst shit doesn't moisten the tulip anymore, they move on to seedy romance novels in the checkout isle at Whole Foods, before finally ending up bitter, morally bankrupt, narcissism addled Cougars addicted to Sex and the City, plastic surgery and a lifestyle that takes two ex-husbands to support.
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I gotta say again, your grudge against TWILIGHT is just staggering and unfortunate. I have yet to see this movie, and I disliked the first one because of its high level of technical wonkery more than any story element (I like the story, I've read all the books twice now in prep for the new movie).I think your comment on the acting is well-founded with Pattison, who is trying to play a timeless/ageless character as if the character had become detached from his emotions somehow - I don't "get" what Pattison is trying to do, but I don't dislike him as an actor.I'd be really surprised, however, if Taylor Lautner suddenly went off the rails from what he did the first time around, which while brief was dependable. His dialogue felt the most real of anyone in the first film, short though it was. He also seemed the most "in-character" and "in the moment" and "really there." He is NOT a smell-the-fart actor, as far as I've seen. Since you didn't really name off the performers, and universally attacked every one of them (kinda petty, IMO - two of the actors in this movie, Dakota Fanning and Cameron Bright, have proved even to the art-house crowd that they've got major acting chops more than a few times each) I think you're being unfair to a number of people, but especially Taylor Lautner. Is he really suddenly terrible?
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Just don't watch the stupid movie.
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Correction: Her actions do not earn the respect of a man OR another woman. As a woman myself, if I met someone (male or female) like Bella in real life, I'd bitch-slap them!
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Nov 19, 2009 4:38:53 PM CST
Oh, and Bella IS Special Like Sookie, Non-TWILIGHTers
by thusspakespymunk
Every vampire in Meyer's world has a special gift. Edward's is the ability to read thoughts (a common one among her vampires), but for some reason he can't read Bella's, and this makes Edward INSANE. I actually always liked the idea that part of his fixation was that he can't stand failure. :)
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Slight correction (and it's actually worse than you describe): The baby doesn't burst from her chest. Her womb has turned into an unpenatrable shield around the baby, and Edward sees that it's killing Bella, so he USES HIS TEETH to gnaw open Bella's womb and get the baby out. Then he turns her into a vampire by injecting his blood straight into her heart with a needle.
No, I'm not joking. And yes, I am embarrased that I read the books. I have never been more embarrased about anything else in my entire life. It didn't take 10 years... it took 10 seconds. -
I agree - I cannot WAIT for the fourth book to be reviewed, with all the requisite C-Section Chewing and baby-humping.
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the sexual prowess of Brigham "Bring Um" Young. Fucker was a Stud with the Twilight Reading age group I hear.
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so far as the story is concerned. If the acting in the first movie is any indication, he's probably right about that, too.
Except I felt like I should apologize for my entire gender... until a kind TBer reminded me of Transformers 2, and now I feel like we might be even :) -
Yes. There are scenes of melodrama so thick and stilted that even really talented actors are reduced to quivering piles of acting Jell-o. No one held their own in this - especially actors and actresses that I LOVE like Stewart, Sheen and Greene.
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Why? She's sucked in everything? She was awful in Adventureland, she thinks acting is running your hands through your hair. Unless your a closet fan of Catch That Kid?
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if I watched it or read the books but I've avoided the whole thing because I want to seem "cool" and hip to hating the damn thing.
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Why not let this films demographic enjoy this weekend? Why would anyone want to piss on it?
I remember how I felt when I stood in line for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Pure excitement. Why not let a million young girls have the same exquisite rapture? Why piss on their chips? Why not simply come to terms with the fact that a film can exist that isn't for you? Like Sex in the City? It must be hard to come to terms with the fact that as a critic your views don't matter a fuck. Like every critic at some point has. It must be difficult to know that a film you hate so much will be a success regardless of your hateful rantings. It must be hard to accept that you are pissing into the wind. Stop bleating so fruitlessly about a film that millions are excited to see. It makes you seem like AN OLD INSIGNIFICANT CUNT.
Let it go and accept with grace that films belong to people other than yourself.
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It would be different if Bella had some rich inner life, like she was talented in poetry or something. But she just has nothing going for her. I saw the first movie and I just could not find anything valuable about her. And that sends a bad message to the girls that read this: be an ice cold bitch with no personality and magic men will still want to be with you.
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Is just a way to look cool because it's super popular and everyone young does like it.
In class today we talked about how everything that kids like is usually hated by the older generations, because it reinforces how they aren't young anymore. I'm going to see this with a group of kids from school at midnight tonight, and I will post my review which will be honest and free of all this I'm super cool because I hate the movie stuff. The more reviews I read like this the more I want to see the movie just so I can tell it like is. My review will be coming very soon and it will set the story straight. There's no way this movie can be bad, and to younger people like me its the movie that defines and explains our generation. -
Reading your response to me, I get what you're saying now a lot better than in the initial review (which hit me negatively as a fan of TL). I thought you were trying to say that nobody in this movie was a good actor, that "the kids" were all bad actors IN GENERAL, AS A STATEMENT OF FACT. I didn't realize until your comment to me that you were saying they are TERRIBLE IN THIS as opposed to being terrible actors in general. I appreciate the clarification, though I am still going to see it to judge the pecs, um, performances for myself.
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Stewart was pretty effing good in ZATHURA.
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God bless you, Massa.
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WTF?!
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I like the fact that you're trying to view the movie with an open mind free from "the hater" mentality, but don't get too caught up in saying there's no way it can be bad, or you're just as biased as the people who hate it without seeing it. I'm going to see it and I'm a big fan of Taylor Lautner, but I'm going to try to be open-minded toward NOT liking it, too, if it truly is bad. I'm a fan of the books and didn't like the firsrt movie much because it was very lazily put-together, not because I didn't like the story. The special effects were, to me, not at all believable and felt like they didn't spend the time on them they needed (and there were lots of other camera-related technical problems with how the movie "looked" to me, too). I will try to have an open mind, though. I hope you have a good time at the movie! I hope _I_ have a good time!
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Aren't you the one who posted about gooks in your review of Rambo? now you are saying you LOVE Stewart as an actress. Lol. Havent seen the movie so cannot comment on the CG bu the Twilight series isn't about action, it's about the internal moral conflict about chastity and virtue among teenage girls. In other words the entire point of the movie what pissed you off about it... namely the "cock tease." Sociologically speaking, Twilight is an interesting phenomena because it's Feminist/Christian advocacy in a movie about vampires and werewolves. Feminist because it's a vampire movie from a perspective of the woman not as the ravaged victim but the actor in primary control of her destiny and the destiny of a couple of superhumanly powerful beings. Christian, because the vampire bite is an allegory for virtue. What's funny is that in an era of Hollywood remakes and sequels, movies like this or Avatar that actually do offer new perspective are attacked and viewed with suspicion. I mean, this movie is derivative of the genre more than Mummy 1-4 or Van Helsing or Harry Potter? Not saying this or Twilight are good movies but when you review, you might consider actually thinking about what the movie is actually
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Almost right, since the series so far seem like a campaign for abstinence with teens. The film starts with the chick's 18th birthday, so the marry proporsal at the end would be "legal" (although the vampire legally is still 16 or worse 100 years) the fucked up part is that Bella is against her birthday and obsessed because she is "aging", isn´t that supose to kick in on your 30s-40s? on my times it was the reversal you wanted to be 18-21 so you could access the adult stuff easily, like score booze, enter bars, watch adult films. With Bella 18=she is a old dry up wench
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Look, I enjoy the TWILIGHT story. It's kind of tragic, though, that you'd view this as feminist. This story is NOT even REMOTELY feminist. That's why you won't see many feminists advocating for it. It IS interesting in that it tells the story from the female's point of view, but it's NOT hardly feminist, my good sir. Not by a long shot. Neither, though, are movies that are dubbed feminist like KILL BILL. Feminism as a political and social movement isn't about just switching from male to female - it's about rejecting and re-evaluating the ROLES of characters. Switching the POV isn't changing the roles. Bella is still a victim for the most part, still looking for Mr. Right as the primacy of her existence, still defining herself in terms of the men in her life. She bases the majority of her actions on REACTING to men in her life, in fact. She is NOT a feminist model.Even movies dubbed feminist like ALIENS aren't really - Ripley is a male character with boobs given the principle task of protecting a child because she has boobs. "Get away from her, you BITCH!" Not feiminst. Now, here's an example using the true feminist model of how ALIENS might be portrayed as a feminist movie - do the same story, but make it so the aliens are responding to the violent thoughts of men. Ripley, being a woman, is not harmed by the aliens, but the gun-toting all-male Marines (and Vasquez, who acts like a man) get butchered by the aliens' physical response to violence, committing only so much violence as is committed against them in a cycle of mutually-assured destruction). Ripley, a non-violent woman, makes contact with the alien Queen, discovering the Queen's goal with Newt wasn't the destruction of the girl or to use her as breeding stock but rather to usher in a new communion between this misunderstood species and herself, by giving Newt access to the Hive Mind and the secrets of the universe. Ripley and the Alien Queen agree to raise Newt together in mutual peace and end the conflict between Alien and Human. Oh, and add in a bit where it turns out the reason the aliens are Chest-Bursting and turning into evil creatures isn't because they're evil parasites, but because the creature would noramlly commune with humans symbiotically but the flawed species of male in the human breed isn't capable of communion due to their inherently violent nature, but if a woman gets 'seeded' by the eggs there is a beautfiul being that results in a new perfection of both species.Ok, silly plot, but THAT would be the feminist vision as seen in the politics and social structure of feminist theory. It's a REJECTION of archetypes of the masculine and patriarchy, not a REVERSAL of them.
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"I can't comment on the acting because I didn't catch Pattinson, Stewart and Lautner doing any. They basically primp and pose through the same humdrum motions they did before".
And "Late in the film, a real actor, Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon), shows up as the mind-reading Aro, of the Italian Volturi vampires, and sparks things up. You can almost hear the young cast thinking, "Is that acting? It looks hard." -
You are right but a lot of what is posted here just makes me mad. People talk a bunch of smack and swear all the time but dont really say anything or have not even seen the movie. Everyone is saying the CGI will be much better, I thought it was cool in Twilight so here it should own. I guess my teacher was right because everyone I know at school loves these movies, and everyone I meet that is my age is a huge fan. I bet that there were movies everyone else hated in the 70s or whenever most of the people here were young that everyone older hated then to. Most of the people here complaining are the same people I see in other talkbacks talking about fornicating with characters from Avatar so I guess you cant take them that seriously.
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Nov 19, 2009 6:14:29 PM CST
WHY DO THE OVERWEIGHT UGLY NERDS OF AICN CARE ABOUT TWILIGHT?
by nightheat500
This is obviously a series for tween girls. And no, they could care less what the nerds here think.. so why have 3 nerds from AICN review it?
Trying to stay relevant? AICN hasn't had an exclusive story worth reading in years. It really has just sunk to a mediocre news site, blogs are where its at these days. AICN is so 1999.
Feel sorry for all the 40 year old "nerd-dads" ranting over Twilight. -
AHHHH!! SHHHHHHHHIIT!
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The Tween Brigade has arrived. Hide your Magic cards and comics, QUICK! THIS IS GONNA BE A MASSACRE!!
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And the fucking funniest, in a grim kind of way. Yeah, I've lost count of how many bat guano insane women like that I've dated. They're attracted to me like moths to a bugzapper. Yeah... hope I can dodge having to see this one.
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Hell yeah! We're the "Burned Down Woodstock" Generation.
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of those shitastic Laurell K. Hamilton books, with Anita Blake fucking every entry in the Monster Manual. Yet.
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She banged Chupacabra?
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It's "COULDN'T care less". Think about it.
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an UFO piloted by Sasquatch.
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would be better served emulating "Heathers," where the female protagonist learns what it means to be hooked on a real bad boy.
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Nov 19, 2009 8:09:13 PM CST
Taylor Luther is a flaming douchebag
by supercowbell5thecowbellhasspoken
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Girls and Boys sprout breasts and menstruate when they watch the Twilight series:
http://www.celebrityfreakshow.com/twilight-series-second-leading-cause-of-puberty-among-girls-boys/ -
Taylor Luther sure is! I dunno who Taylor Luther is, but fuck him!
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that turn into wolves!!! Sign Harry up!
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I love reading these bad reviews. They're incredibly entertaining. Most entertaining thing to come out of the franchise, actually.
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He stole my lunch money once. If I ever see him again I'm going to kick him square in his cunt!
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Taylor Luther once took MY lunch money and threw it into a sewer grate just to piss me off. TO TAYLOR LUTHER! BILL BRANKSY!
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Taylor Luther once took MY lunch money and threw it into a sewer grate just to piss me off. TO TAYLOR LUTHER! BILL BRANKSY!
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Once I'm done with him, he's all yours!
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I'm too busy with Taylor Lautner to worry about Luther. You know the weird thing? A lot of people get them mixed-up, but I don't get that - Taylor Launter is a hot stud, but Taylor Luther is a big red-haired bearded fatass.
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1) If you're going to insult me for 22 month old reviews, go back and read them first. The GOOK reference was a satirical statement indicting a time when we sold kids toys based on crazed Vietnam war vets and thought it was okay. Watch the use of the word idiot in cases involving your own lack of understanding. 2) Your assessment of TWILIGHT is so bassackwards that it hurts. Christian feminisim? Only in a cracked and deranged way. Bella is willing to DAMN HER CHRISTIAN SOUL to spend eternity with Edward, despite the warnings and love of the man that wants to protect her. She is fully aware that she is damning herself, but chooses not to believe it. There is nothing Christian about Twilight. Chastity does not automatically equal Christianity. Only an 'idiot' would think that it does. Vampire bite = virtue? Put down the pipe.
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1) If you're going to insult me for 22 month old reviews, go back and read them first. The GOOK reference was a satirical statement indicting a time when we sold kids toys based on crazed Vietnam war vets and thought it was okay. Watch the use of the word idiot in cases involving your own lack of understanding. 2) Your assessment of TWILIGHT is so bassackwards that it hurts. Christian feminisim? Only in a cracked and deranged way. Bella is willing to DAMN HER CHRISTIAN SOUL to spend eternity with Edward, despite the warnings and love of the man that wants to protect her. She is fully aware that she is damning herself, but chooses not to believe it. There is nothing Christian about Twilight. Chastity does not automatically equal Christianity. Only an 'idiot' would think that it does. Vampire bite = virtue? Put down the pipe.
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You know he's heated.
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good review
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But how about that dipshit Taylor Luther, Mass? No mentiom og Luther in your review. That fucker backs out on everyone. I bet he didn't evne show up for filming.
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So much man-love for you right now. I can hear Ricky Martin.
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WHAT?!?!?!?
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Alright guys, Im also submitting my review to our school paper, if some of you can make civilized comments I will try to include them in our feedback section. "New Moon. The second movie in the Twilight Saga is called New Moon and it was released tonight. Myself and seven other students from Stewart Home School were lucky enough to get to see the film this evening at the midnight screening. We attended the Cinemark at the Fayette Mall. This was my first time at this theater and it’s really cool. The seats are awesome and the sound system is in 3D. Anyone who has seen the previews knows how the movie starts. There is a birthday party for Bella, played by Mrs. Kristen Stewart, that goes wrong and makes Edward, played by the brilliant Mr. Robert Pattinson, realize he can no longer be her boyfriend and must move away. This makes Bella very sad. She finds that she can however still see ghost like images of Edward whenever her life is in danger. She tries various things to keep her excitement level high because that’s the only way she can feel close to Edward, she is super in love with him. As time goes by she starts to develop feelings for her friend Jacob, played by Mr. Taylor Lautner. Jacob starts to fall in love with Bella but he doesn’t tell her a big secret, he is a were wolf. This becomes known however when he is forced to transform to protect her from another Vampire named Laurent who is real uncool. He and another Vampire named Victoria, who never speaks in this movie, is mad at Bella for things that happened at the baseball game in the movie Twilight and things that happened after that also. A lot of people have been very critical of Bella’s character but I see where she is coming from. Bella loves Edward very much, and when he is gone she becomes very upset, has bad dreams, and leans on her friend Jacob. She is definitely in like with Jacob, but she loves Edward. When you see it that way it makes a lot more sense, I don’t think she is using Jacob, she just doesn’t love him she just likes him. On the other side of the world Edward eventually receives word that Bella has been successful in committing suicide and decides he will commit suicide also. He decides to walk in the sun and reveal himself to the world so the Volturi will end him. The Volturi are only in a small part of the film but are very cool, and if the next movie is like the next book people are going to say they are about the best vampires in any movie ever. Eventually Edward and Bella do reunite and find a way out of a very bad situation but there is a good chance that something from the last ten minutes of the movie will be very significant to the next movie that is supposed to be titled Eclipse and could be the last movie of the Twilight Saga. The camera work in this movie is real cool, and there are a lot of scenes that are shot in ways you don’t see in most movies. I feel the camera works helps explain the emotion of certain characters that don’t talk a lot like Edward. The dialogue is also very good and there are many times during the movie that you feel like you are hearing a real conversation not something from a movie. Talking in movies always slows things down but in New Moon its cool and the subjects talked about are real cool. The acting is tremendous and Mrs Stewart does a great job and makes you feel every moment of hardship she experiences with Edward gone. Speaking of Edward, in my research he would be most comparable to a Marlin Brando for this generation. He is very expressive in the way he moves and broods, sometimes he doesn’t have to say anything and you know what he is thinking and going through. For super fans like me it’s also cool to see him in Rio and the dream/vision sequences with Bella. I give Twilight 5 stars out of a possible 5. Although many movie sites have said it’s not a good movie I can testify it is a very good movie with real good acting and a lot of cool action and excitement and love. This is easily the best movie I have seen and far better than 2012 or Transformers 2 which are also ok but are not as deep but just have cool special effects. More than anything New Moon shows again what we learned from the first movie, that love is very powerful and it can help people through almost any situation.
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Probably the best description I have read about this.
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I really don't want to sit through this movie to hear it.
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is no big deal, its the obsession of this for women 30+ which is kind of disturbing. See many of them at work even 40+ absolutely obsessed with this. Almost with a drug like obsession.
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Carry on! That shit is HIGHlarious!
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For a review written by someone of the age you describe, that's a pretty good review. I like how you didn't just invoke hyperbole with words like "cool" without also explaining WHY. One of the big errors kids your age make when writing reviews is they say the "cool" stuff without adding a reason. Your comparison of Robert Pattison to Marlon Brando (not the spelling in my version is right) is very astute, but I think you should amend it to say "early Marlon Brando," because as Brando got older his style changed a lot and he stopped playing those brooding characters. Quite possibly, had TWILIGHT been made a long time ago, someone like James Dean or Marlon Brando would've played Edward, and you know I don't think he would've played him too differently from how Pattison does, even though I find Pattison's performance a little confusing from time to time as to what Edward is thinking. I think you should really change it to "early" Marlon Brando. But otherwise it is a good review, and you really point out not just what you liked by WHY. I would also remove the thing at the end where you say how many people say it's not a good movie. You're saying it's good - why give attention to the people who say something you don't believe? Don't give those people any attention. Ignore them. Most of all, I'm really glad you enjoyed the movie. Keep checking this message thread and I will let you know tomorrow what I thought of it.
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Some of the girls at work clearly acknowledge that twilight is about them being loved by this perfect guy that only cares about them, loves them no matter how imperefect they are.
They asked me for a male equivalant of this story, was thinking Transformers, but the Megan Fox character would be Wonder Woman and Shia's character would be even more geekier.
Any thoughts ? -
Thank you very much for the thoughts. I am going to clean up my review tomorrow morning and also make the changes you suggested. You are a very good writer and I want to be to someday, I would like to be a movie reviewer. I take it you havent seen it yet but it really is cool and exciting and no where near as bad as people here are saying. There is one change at the end from the book that is kind of strange but its no big deal. I want to see your review when you see this, its a really good movie.
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Robert Pattinson. Marlon Brando.
Yeah. I see it.
In hell. -
That's not about me saying Pattison is like Brando. Read my statement carefully. I was saying, Dancing was comparing Pattison to Brando and I said Pattison's brooding performance is closer to EARLY Brando. Simply comparing Pattison to Brando isn't accurate, but it's not entirely inaccurate to say that Pattison's brooding characters are similiar to EARLY Brando, where he played mopey characters who walked around doing nothing but glaring and acting annoyed by everything. Brando did that a LOT in his early movies, where he played motorcycle rebels who stomped around grumbling about nothing. So do some research before you attack.
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Glad to have reviews like yours and Quint's before the inevitable "HEY GUYS I FOUND A GIRL TO MATE WITH ME SO THIS MOVIES GREAT" Harry review.
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Look, I liked Pattison in Goblet of Fire, but BRANDO? WTF?
In ANY era, that's just idiotic. I'd argue that far more people who have seen Brando's early work would disagree with you rather than with me. That m-fer could act. Period. -
That Harry really hasn't found a woman to "mate" with, as the term mating implies procreation. And that ain't happening. She would die in labor passing that butterball out of her love canal.
No, but the UPS guy is going to be a VERY happy man... -
Spider-Man also a good candidate, a geeky weak loser, who becomes strong, powerful, confident, and gets the hot girl from next door, also has other hot girls pining over him.
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Dude, LISTEN. I'm not saying the QUALITY is the same. I dislike Brando quite a bit. I'm not fond of Pattison's performance, but to deny they're both playing the same TYPE of performance - the silent, broody, moody-eyed loner rebel dude, is BEYOND idiotic. Come on. Chill out and read what I'm saying. It's not about QUALITY. Dancing made an astute point comparing the broody characters of Brando with Edward. In fact, I do not think it's far-removed to suggest that were a story like TWILIGHT being made back in Brando's day, he'd be the sort of person cast to play such a role. Dur.
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I'd say KILL BILL. Fetishized violence that commingles with sexuality, strong dominant female character dealing with freakish opponents, themes of vengeance and love. It's the male TWILIGHT.
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I literally told all of my friends that if they came to me and told me that they liked this film I would cease all contact with them and banish them into the nether of my address book.
As for fangirls who are "home schooled" and are "eternally dancing", let me just say that you showed the exact reason why you shouldn't be writing movie reviews.
When one of the stand out points of your review is how awesome the sound was and how comfortable the chairs were, you're showing how sheltered you are.
It's nearly 2010... I haven't been impressed by a theater since I found one that served beer, and before that I hadn't bee impressed since the first time I saw the THX logo... that was over a DECADE AGO!
But that's beyond the point. Considering your grammar, or lack thereof, I'd say your teacher (parent) needs crack down a bit harder and get your nose in a book that doesn't involve glittery gay vampires.
Do yourself a favor and educate yourself on film, and GOOD film. See some classics, seem some foreign films... don't be afraid to stray off the beaten path... because Twilight is the bottom of the barrel for entertainment.
Oh and yes... if you know me... DO NOT TELL ME YOU LIKED THIS FILM... I WILL BANISH YOU TO A REALM WHERE EVEN THE DWEEBIEST OF DWEEBS ROLL THEIR D-20s TO SEE HOW GETS TO PUNCH YOU FIRST!!! -
You're so right. Brando would absolutely play Edward. Wow. How didn't I see that before?
You, sir, are sharp. -
Okay, if they were making TWILIGHT in that era, who WOULD they get to play a broody young man with a troubled past who's older than he looks?
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Wow, you insulted a young girl. You're a heavy-duty warrior. You're a player. Nice one, dude. I hope you tell this story at the next Lodge Meeting.
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He's got range, that kid.
Oh, and Dancingforever is a teenaged BOY (I use the term loosely)...
More accurately, Dancingforever is a 40 year old white guy pretending to be another dude pretending to be a teenaged boy pretending to like New Moon....
Oscar! Except, apparently, Dancingforever has chosen to go "full retard"... -
Idiot.
And I'm done talking to you.
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you come to me and ask me to kill a fish i do not know
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Google it. Either a cruel hoax or a reason that you'll feel a tiny bit like dogshit.
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Ouch.
I will say no more. -
Nov 20, 2009 5:17:15 AM CST
A guy liking TWILIGHT books/movies = Dickless Wonder
by starship captain
If you're a guy and actually like this poorly crafted, groan inducing SHIT, then you obviously have NO dick or balls.In which case, it's probably too late to give you a testosterone transplant to save you. So please turn in your Men's Club membership card and go buy a dress, to show the world your actual intention to have a sex change operation.After which you are free to enjoy these books and movies to your heart's content...Girly Man!!!
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so I picked on a "special child"... I mean I don't have a problem starting fights with anyone usually... but now I'm incredibly high and finding out that I may have just slammed a person with learning disabilities...
I really hope that's a hoax or I'm a DICK... well... I know I'm a dick, but more than even I thought... damn -
Megan lovers, enjoy.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/19/megan-fox-wears-leotard-l_n_364263.html -
on Dancingforever, look at this
http://www.aintitcool.com/talkback_display/39911
Totally different personality, wouldn't you think? -
There is a rule about dating women like this that older generations often have to pass onto the younger: if a woman tells you she is trouble, if she tells you that you want no part in her problems, if she swears that she has too much shit in her life to fall in love, you need to fucking believe her. Because it is all true, every word of it. She is a woman so wrapped up in her own shit that she focuses like a laser beam on them making them the very essence of her personality. You will not save her. You cannot fix her. And she will be an absolute tempest of frustration and bitterness until she finds a way to get over her own shit. Yeah, Bella Swan is textbook; farm raised, corn fed cocktease bemoaning her pathetic lot in life. That women identify with her at all troubles me. That she’s the hero of this story is just plain unbelievable.
And two of them are Angela G. and Lisa F.
Damaged goods. -
..now that's what i call the twilight Zone. hyuk,hyuk,hyuk.
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More like Dancing Forever is some fat white dude dwelling in his basement while portraying himself online as a female. (as in the movie GAMER.)Seriously, what "guy" conjures a TB name like Dancing Forever? Unless.....
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Massa, that was pure genius! I don't think anyone has ever summed up a character quite so well as you have of Swan in the first two paragraphs. I tip my hat to you, sir.
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Thanks for the assist. I had hoped people would figure out how to be considerate ladies and gentlemen in terms of talking to each other on their own, but I guess some people on here have bigger problems than myself or Dancing. You go, Dancing! :) Keep writing, glad to hear about the changes and I'll let you know what I think tomorrow or the next day. Remember most of all to never let people like you hear on the Talkbacks get you down - see, they've got problems. :)
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Felt like I was suffering in the theater alongside 'Wyrm. Great stuff.
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I had the mindset when I was a naive teen that I could fix this one girl I was with. 10 years later, I still feel the effects of the negativity of that relationship. Don't let movies fool you young men, your role in life isn't to fix the pretty girl who will love you for doing it. Your role is to go out there, sleep with many beautiful girls and ultimately find your true love. The messed up girl will get hers because she will always be messed up or she will wake up too late and become even more bitter.
No, I haven't seen Twilight: New Moon...haha -
I had the mindset when I was a naive teen that I could fix this one girl I was with. 10 years later, I still feel the effects of the negativity of that relationship. Don't let movies fool you young men, your role in life isn't to fix the pretty girl who will love you for doing it. Your role is to go out there, sleep with many beautiful girls and ultimately find your true love. The messed up girl will get hers because she will always be messed up or she will wake up too late and become even more bitter.
No, I haven't seen Twilight: New Moon...haha -
Here's what I posted in beaks new moon review "I tried to read their review but I stopped because I knew it was bull. They say they saw the movie with students that go to STEWART HOME SCHOOL? If you're home schooled, doesn't that mean YOU'RE BY YOURSELF OR MAYBE WITH YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS/OR FROM THE SAME HOUSEHOLD? And also the female new moon lead is named kristen STEWART so we know where df got the name of their "home school" from. It's a good there's no edit feature on this tb so you can't edit out your mistakes/clues (because you might've called it stewart home school on purpose whether intentionally or unconsciously to show your posts are bs) Please get a life. You're not funny, just very sad and pathetic. But on second thought, I digress. As long as you're not kidnapping people and throwing them in your basement or shantytown in your backyard, whatever bakes your cake."
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Because if he doesn't, I WILL PAY FOR IT. Seriously, dedicated server and I split the ad sales with you. That is one of, if not THE best review I have ever read. If he left this site and had something resembling TB, I'm sure everyone would follow him.
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Dude, your take on messed-up chicks is spot-on. Ugh... I coulda saved myself some time and money with advice like that back in the day. Luckily, my girlfriend is the best thing that happened to me- no drama, great sex and awesome cooking. I am living the fucking dream.
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Same here. And I married her... make sure you do the same. I should also mention that I'm divorced once due to the 'save her syndrome', and did I learn my lesson after that? Nope... I dated one more COMPLETE PSYCHO that was exactly like the chick described in this movie, except 28 years old (yes, they never get over it... if they do, it's not until nobody wants to deal with them anymore)... luckily, when things were at their absolute worst with this other psycho, my current wife/angel came into my life and I pulled away from the A#1 psycho faster than Speedy Gonzales. Now, after she had inexplicably done the same to me many times over, do you think she thought she had it coming when I did it to her, considering I found a stable woman who didn't play games? Noooo... she tried to invade, conquer, and destroy my current relationship (obviously we weren't married yet), even trying to use sex, something she only doled out as needed to get what she wants (emotionally... not monetarily... that would make too much sense), but I mightily resisted and got the hell out of Dodge. Translation: I moved away (psycho chick was my neighbor... very bad) with the new girlfriend, we got married, and we lived happily ever after. When you go from psychos to someone that's truly loving with no drama, lets you be you, AND she cooks and the sex is great? It's like breathing for the first time and that's no exaggeration.... it literally is like someone lifted a 1,000 pound weight off your chest.
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and get Tyler Perry to produce it.
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I don't believe you. Everyone knows that TB'ers do not get laid...never have and never will, so what's your agenda??????
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As far fetched as it sounds, that would be funny if he did a remake. i can imagine it now;while in Crenshaw,LA Blac/mamuwalde saves some shorty (chick) from gangbangers called 'The Bloods" oops falls in love then knocks her up only to suffer from baby mama syndrome, not to mention the child support agencies are out for blood (not litterly, either.)if the fucker don't cough up the ducketts.A long trail ensues as Perry casts himself as the judge.Then the ending is followed by some lecture about faith in the lord(God and vampires don't mix too well yanno.)as Blacula gets saved and is no longer a vampire.OK, that was weak, fuckit let's have Medea vs Blacula with Micheal Jai White as the black prince of Vampires and Perry as that cross dressing sista.Make it so!
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I'd buy a ticket for that
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starring Rihanna.
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And Co starring Chris Brown as Blade.
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I said in another TB that this crap isn't something anyone here at AICN actually gives two shits about, but I enjoyed reading it get ripped apart here nonetheless.
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I have met the lovely (and patient) Mrs. Massa on a number of occasions...so those who use an excuse such as 'he can't get laid' to discuss his reviewing skills are totally off their rockers. I was essentially forced to read some of that crap that Meyers spewed out...and it's that...CRAP.
PLUS... big spoiler--- She doesn't have sex w/ the sparkly vamp 'til the 4th frakkin' book. When she does have sex for the 1st time... she becomes pregnant (how's that for teaching young girls a 'lesson'?) with a vampire-baby. YEAH. You read that right. A BABY. That eventually kills her. Yay, right? Nope...that's when she finally decides to vamp-up and then she's fabu and the kid starts talking in like 3 days. It's RIDONKULOUS. Oh...and she names the baby after her real mom, Rene' and Esme, Edward's 'mom'... so the baby's named, I shit you not --- RENESME.
The amount of bullshit and bad writing in these books could choke a horse. I can't write anymore about how crappy they are... I don't have that much time. -
Jacob the frakin' werewolf falls IN LOVE with the Vamp-BABY...! and say's he'll wait for her to grow up. FUCKIN' UGH!!! Gross.
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dang... I was so mad I couldn't check myself.
Oh...and she won't have sex 'til Marriage w/ the sparkly douchebag. Another moral lesson from Ms. Meyers
Not sex before marriage...then you have sex ONE time, and get pregnant and the baby kills you. What a buncha crap. Again. -
It was "The Any Bully is a communist" article. I also really enjoyed his "Capitaism: ALS" review. I thought he might go off on a ranty tangent - kinda like he did here - but it was well thought & well written. I guess that's what happens when you have some substance to work off of. And you don't hate girls. \(heh)/
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The Stewart Home School is a HOME, as in a HOME for people who are mentally disabled or not neurotypical (like myself, fuck you very much). It's a real school, and Dancing is a real person who happens to go to that school. There are no "clues." Holy crap, dudes. Cut her some slack.
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Sin City.
That is all. -
" Bella will u marry me?" cut to confused look on kristen stewarts face, then Cut to credits.LAME!
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It is of-the-moment. Content? I don't know. Haven't seen it or read it. I say, let the chicks have their thing and don't wreck it for 'em. If I were watching this, I'd probably keep waiting for the Frog Brothers to show up to stake the vampire and Lava Girl to whisk Shark Boy back to Planet Drool, which the girl could visit if her brothers play ZATHURA again and she doesn't get locked in the Panic Room.
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I liked the character.
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They've said that they're a boy. Look on the other twilight talkbacks. Then again you and df are probably the same person.
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Just Edward saying "Marry me, Bella." - Kristen Stewart looks stunned - cut to black. Not funny, just boring. Sigh. The laugh-out-loud moment that took the house down in my theater was Alice's "vision of the future" that we saw... oh god. That was ridiculous.
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Dark Knight....18.4 mill.....
Well. It would appear that Teenage girlies are the new geeks. Massawyrm, in cyberspace no one can here you scream, weep or gnash your teeth. It's official. AICN no longer makes and breaks films. Last one out turn out the lights, fellas! -
Wow. As a woman reading these reviews i am very uncomfortable at some of the opinions expressed here. How can intelligent men still think of women as a'cock tease' in this day and age? Really? It is an unworthy and frankly a disgustingly weak phrase used as a defence for some of the most reprehensable treatment that men are capable of to women. Massawyrm, the only reason i read this review was because of you. I have no interest in this film. I read this because your reviews have always been worth reading, are interesting and original but, you used that phrase above. In a review that by its nature many will read, was the phrase 'cock tease' really necessary? I am disappointed that it was felt, by you, to be one of the best descriptions of Bella's actions, but to be honest, i'm more surprised that it was used at all in such a public way.
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are the three worse disasters to happen this decade, I swear, Twilight seems like some sort of mental disease that infects people, someone should call FEMA
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You dealt to this movie the right royal ass-kicking it so richly deserves. Fuck Twilight. Fuck New Moon. Fuck every mopey tweenie clutching this book like its the ever-lovin' TRUTH, when its really the saddest and smallest pile of cat dung ever to cling to the bottom of your shoe. Fuck anyone who shows up here and defends it.
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Oh yes it can!!!
I got through the first three books before totally giving up on this garbage and from what I've read, book four is a train wreck, I might just take it out of the library to see for myself, but I'm getting too old to waste my time with junk.
Great review and kudos to you for sitting through both those movies. -
Nov 23, 2009 3:50:30 PM CST
my EXPERIENCE AND OPINION watching new moon and also twilight bl
by meadowe
Because if I put "review" someone might try to hold me up to some sort of professional standard. Anyway as me and my Meadowechlorians were walking to the theatre I see a guy in his 30s-40s, about 5 foot 6, bald and a little overweight with a new moon shirt on. He looks like he may *possibly* be a little retarded. He's outside of the line and just walking around the outside box office. He sees us and smiles and points at us as if he's reuniting with old friends even though the only thing we have in common without us even saying it is that we're about to watch new moon. I've got my ipod on so I can't hear what he says. He turns around and points to the back of his shirt, which seems to be customized, that says HOWL AT THE MOON! CHAPTER II. While waiting in line I see him speaking to other people excitedly. He seems to be very enthusiastic about watching this, while the people he's speaking to, some older males obviously dragged into seeing this, and others who are "twi-hards" are @ varying degrees of discomfort talking to him, whether they want to see new moon willingly or not. About 3 percent of me wants to laugh at this guy and generalize every single "twi-hard" as being this pathetic and laughable. Yet the other 97%.....is a mirror image of him. Just like he's the opposite of what you think a twi-hard should be, im the opposite image of what a film-geek usually is. Besides, as dorky as he looks, we should all be as content as he is. He's totally psyched for this film. He may look like a doofus but he isn't hurting anyone. He's just trying to have his version of fun. So I let my guard down for a little and try to enjoy the experience. The previews are ok, I see that Percy Jackson fliq, a rob pattinson drama fliq with Pierce Brosnan as his dad, and my personal fave, Letters To Juliet because it has my fave of the moment, Amanda Seyfried. Anyway the movie starts and you hear Bella quoting shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet which immediately starts to irk me alread because it's as if most people don't know this is a "star crossed lovers" type of movie. From there on it's.....just there. when I'm faced with nothing substantial in the way of story my senses gravitate to "eye candy" whether it be male or ahem, female. And Ashley Greene as Alice Cullen filled that role. For all you guys there's decent shots of her cleavage (as much as you can get away with in twilight). When Bella goes to school she doesn't want anyone to make a big deal that it's her bday, so she wants no gifts. Someone does anyway and edward is mad that they get to give her a gift, and he expresses this in a very emosexual way that reminds me why I never wanted to see this. I guess Jasper has the power to influence moods (if I'm wrong well whatever I'm just guessing from the dialogue). Bella tells jasper to stop influencing her mood. Most of the people laughing @ the little moments like that are girls (no surprise since that's the demographic). At Bella's little bday party @ the cullen household she gets a "papercut" and I guess she has old faithful for a vein on her finger because it just starts gushing out blood. Jasper LOOKS LIKE A LESBIAN THAT JUST FOUND A TITTY TREE and goes after her, and edward stops him but he also strongly pushes Bella and she lands on a table, bleeding even more. So whereas before it was just Jasper, now ALL THE CULLENS LOOK LIKE SAID LESBIANS FINDING SAID TITTY TREE. They eventually compose themselves and later edward puts the second act in motion with the whole I don't wanna risk hurting you so me and my whole fam are outro spiel. they show Bella looking out her window and the seasons change out everytime they shoot around her (with subtitles insultingly saying October, November, December, etc. As if you're too stupid to realize that a lot of time has passed). This sets up the majority of the film, where we see things like Bella in bed screaming like it burns when she pees. During one of these episodes her dad wakes up suddenly while on the couch (why he's there we're not told). Imo its the best reaction to a sudden noise waking someone up since Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny saying "WHAT THE FUQ?" when he hears an owl outside his cabin. We see her discover that a rush will make her see and hear edward, first riding a motorcycle with some fugly middle aged guy, so she asks jacob to fix two bikes so they can ride together. And I love the fact that this 16 year old can basically make brand new motorcycles but only wants to get laid by a girl that's a 4 or 5 out of 10 that has tittle litties, but I guess that's what bakes his cake. That's one problem I had was that he's sprung on bella, when he can obviously have some choices. Maybe not enough chicks on the reservation? They should at least show why he's so smitten. Bella, Jacob, and her pussy friend Mike go see a movie called FACE PUNCH. You don't see what they're watching, just the 3 as they watch the movie, where you hear inane dialogue where Freakin or frickin is every other word, as if they saw that snl skit where the girl accidentally said fuck and said hey! Let's have a movie in a movie moment and have that skit in there, but we'll make it an action fliq instead of Megan Fox as a biker girl! Pussy mike can't stand what's *supposed to be* some crazy action scenes, and runs outside to puke. Anyway there's some MISSED OPPORTUNITIES AS FAR AS ACTION IS CONCERNED. The scene where the dreadlocked vamp Laurent is killed is only told in flashback, and a short pitiful one at that. I know he's up against like 3 or 4 wolves, but they should have shown more imo. And when Bella jumps off a cliff into the water, her pursuer Victoria is shown swimming her way. But next thing we see is another Edward apparation and jacob pulling her to safety. If Laurent could take on 3 or 4, I would've loved to see Victoria take on Jacob underwater for a little bit. Jacob's grandpa (I think it was his grandpa) suffers a heart attack and this affects Bella's dad much since they were buds. It kinda affected me too cuz he's played by the same guy who was the native american friend in Maverick swindling Mel Gibson and also Die Hard 3, and it was nice to see him again. His death set up imo the BEST BIT IN THIS MOVIE. Jacob and Bella are finally about to kiss, when a phone rings. Jacob answers "Swan residence." He suddenly becomes more serious and says something to the effect of, "he's not here, he's planning a funeral." Bella asks who it was. Jacob is evasive, saying something like, he's always getting in the way. He finally relents and admits it was edward, and Bella goes menstrual that he didn't give her the phone. Cut to a shot of Edward, looking emotionally fuqed up. I guess he was told Bella died during her swan dive and jacob's little half-truth about Bella's dad planning a funeral has pushed him off the emo edge. Although admittedly this sounds like the gay crap most bash this franchise for, I loved Jacob telling his little half-truth; it's pretty much the manliest thing anyone has done in this series. So this sets up the final act, where they race to stop Edward from revealing his gayazz sparkling and thus having the Volturi kill him for coming out the emovamp closet. They do, and we see the reason I even agreed to see this film, Dakota Fanning. In it she's, well, wearing red contacts and smiling sadistically while she mentally causes pain on others. I can't say I was let down because this is twilight so she did the best with what she was given. It was great to see Michael Sheen (spl?) in here as Aro, who is kind of the head of the Volturi. I really like the 1st 2 Underworlds and I think Kate Beckinsale is awesome, and since she found him worthy enough to knock her up in real life that makes him ok in my book. so Aro is fascinated that his powers of knowing everyone's thoughts once he touches them doesn't work on Bella, and even more so when Dakota can't harm her. The icing on the cake is when they're about to kill edward and Bella offers herself instead. Michael has me mesmerized with his reactions. I heard that the director actively pursued Sheen for this, and I'm glad he did. His acting chops along with Dakota's (though not in this fliq) and Ashley Greene are the saving graces of this for me. It ends with that wedding proposal, or should I say, Bella making a short surprised noise as reaction to the proposal. So basically it was a meh film. Nothing worthy of the records it broke (1 more record it will probably break is largest 2nd week nosedive since The Hulk) but not as nauseatingly bad as I had been dreading. I didn't get the do the whole "what's that smel? Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-DOOOOOOOKIEEEEEEE!!" because I figured, the fans of this crap are for the most part, "tweens" and that little period of innocence they have is fleeting, and it would be fuqed up for me to shorten that time for them. Now if they're my age or older, fuq it, it's on ;) and I'm running them down. One of my newest Meadowechlorians (who bought my ticket) goes on about the first fliq, and still trying to convert me, buys me the twilight bluray (new moon had Dakota and Michael Sheen and still didn't bake my cake, I don't know what she thinks the 1st might have on me). The one she buys is the target one with the extra disc no one but target has, so even though this "saga" doesn't bake my cake I'm never ungrateful to a gift. I watch it and I notice certain things that are different from new moon. One thing I notice is edward "kind of" dresses more like a teenage kid, wearing t shirts and utility vests, whereas new moon he's full on thrift store chic, almost always wearing a blazer. The gay azn kid is as gay as ever, I hope one thing they do for a future film is for him to admit he loves scrote. I find myself even more drawn to Ashley Green's Alice Cullen character, especially when she's introduced by Anna (?) Kendrick's character as a weird girl. I'm a "weird girl" admittedly so this resonated with me. In this one I'm kind of confused that Laurent (the dreadlocked vamp) warns the Cullens about the other two vamps and seems to show that he doesn't want to attack them or Bella. Yet in new moon he's solo and suddenly willing to kill her? Oh well. And Kendrick seems to be on the rise, it's nice to see her alongside Clooney and Vera in UP IN THE AIR. Otherwise it was more of the same. The bluray impressed me by stating that it has a target exclusive digital copy of the fliq AND most of the special features. That's one thing I don't like is not being able to dl special features to my ipod. But then I put in both bluray discs in my computer and nothing happened....? It (the bluray) had the chance to be something great, so far it doesn't live up to hype. The same with the "saga" itself. David Slade directed one of my fave fliqs Hard Candy and also 30 Days of Night, so maybe when Eclipse comes out in June he can do something with this series. One of, if not my BIGGEST ISSUES WITH THIS "SAGA" is that it other people lump people of my age and ESPECIALLY gender as loving this and this being 'our' ideal form of entertainment. My dad has been the primary person in the decade and a half I have been alive, and a lot of people are quick to point out that's why I'm a bit "quirky." But I like to think nature>nurture that even with more female role models I'd still not care for this series. Well anyway I hope I was able to articulate a decent opinion of this, I know it was a little long but I wanted to give as full a picture as possible to it and why I thought what I did.
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