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What's all the fuss? Capone thinks 2012 is the best summer movie November has seen in many years!!!
Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
Alright everyone, let's calm down and be honest with ourselves. What the hell were you expecting? I was expecting something a whole lot worse, I know that. Let's back things up. When you first saw the trailer for or clips from 2012, you got a little sexually excited, didn't you? It's OK, I won't tell anyone. At Comic-Con in July, when director and co-writer Roland Emmerich showed an extended clip of California essentially dying from the earthquake to end all earthquakes, I voided my bowels, ran to the men's room, changed my adult Huggies, and voided them a second time. In the words of a great man who used to write for this very site, “Pants, meet shit.”
And as much as Emmerich has made some colossal missteps over the years (GODZILLA, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, and the worst of all, 10,000 B.C.), the man also knows how to make some interesting if not entirely engaging works, such as UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, STARGATE, INDEPENDENCE DAY, and THE PATRIOT. The guy also knows how to blow stuff up on a spectacular scale; what he has failed to do time and time again is draw even somewhat believable characters that seem like anything more than gameboard pieces to be moved around, screaming, running, looking terrified, and occasionally die.
Emmerich has gone from destroyed buildings to leveling cities to, in 2012, ending life on Earth by making the planet's crust essentially crumble under our feet. So what do you think 2012 is about? Is it about trying to stop the geothermal forces of the universe that are causing the earth to die? Of course not, that would be silly. So what we are left with is finding out how the leaders of the world would deal with about three years' warning about the end of the planet. What would they save, who would they save, what would they build that could sustain the coming apocalypse and house everything and everyone they wanted to keep alive? To say these are weighty questions would be an understatement, but they are ones that are legitimately posed in this film.
But 2012 isn't a movie about philosophy and morals (OK, it is a little); it's a film about destroying the planet city by city, nation by nation. You think the destruction of California sequence looks impressive, wait until you see Yellowstone Park turn into the world's largest volcano, or the massive tidal wave that wipes out the Eastern Seaboard. As an act of kindness to his audience, Emmerich has even built into his 2-hour 40-minute movie scenes of such lameness and inaction that they might as well be scrawling the words "Pee Break!" across the bottom of the screen while they play. This might be the most well-paced Roland Emmerich film ever made.
He's even cast a slightly more interesting group of actors to use as his game pieces. John Cusack provides the requisite Everyman quality to his character as a failed writer/limo driver who just happens to be at all the right places at the right times to survive wave after wave of intense destruction. Amanda Peet plays his ex-wife and mother of their two kids (giving Cusack something to protect), while Tom McCarthy plays her new husband, a decent guy who the kids actually love, which makes Cusack all the more jealous. In the scientific/government community, we have Chiwetel Ejiofor as the geologist who first realizes the true extent of the threat as far back as 2009 (hey, wait a minute... ). Oliver Platt is on hand as his superior and link to the President (Danny Glover... I'll give you a second to let that one sink in), whose daughter (Thandie Newton) is also deeply involved in his work. Woody Harrelson is tossed in as a kook living in Yellowstone, broadcasting a Pirate Radio signal predicting the impending destruction. One character makes the very interesting point, "Isn't it funny how all those guys with cardboard signs were right?" Indeed.
So how does it all hold together? Pretty well, to tell the truth, for about the first two hours. I won't reveal where all of this evacuating and running around leads to, but there actually is a plan to save hundreds of thousands of carefully selected citizens of the world. It's a little underwhelming. More than that, it's silly and illogical. Yes, I'm calling only a small portion of a movie about the end of the world silly and illogical. And what's worse, the film drags and hinges on some pretty stupid stuff at the end as well. It isn't an impending wall of water that threatens the survivors; it's a stuck door. And there's a speech that Ejiofor delivers just before all hell brakes loose for the few remaining humans that is so stupid and ill-timed as to be laughable from beginning to end. If someone had shot him at that moment and said, "Let's get the hell out of here!" at that moment, I would have applauded. There are also characters like a Russian businessman and his two chubby twin boys who are incredibly annoying and clearly aimed at giving us unnecessary villains in a movie where the world is the only villain we need, thank you very much.
Whereas most disaster movies of the past have been two hours of build up followed by 20 minutes or so of awesome destruction, 2012 keeps it coming and only lets up long enough to let us know exactly who died and give us time to hit the bathroom. Even if you loathe the movie to its very fiber as a storytelling endeavor, there's no denying the spectacular nature of the special effects. And no, special effects are never a sole excuse to see any movie, but I think there's more here than just that. I also believe that if 2012 had come out during the summer, it would have given TRANSFORMERS 2 a run for its money as the most successful film of the year. This is a summer movie event film that you don't have to completely turn your brain off to enjoy, and that's a rarity that I can get behind. The take-no-prisoners 2012 finally sees Emmerich pulling tools off his belt that work together rather than just clanging into each other at the job site. Most of this film is highly watchable, and some of it approaches greatness.
-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com
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is there much more great special effects in the last 40min?
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The real 2012 probably wont feel as long...
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My gut told me we'd get to see a "Yellowstone blows its wad" sequence and, god help me, I want to see that happen. I know I'll hate myself in the morning, but sometimes you gotta say "What the fuck..."
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Fuck that guy.
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not like every other distater movie where its destruction the first 30-40mins followed by people dealing with the consequences for 99% of the rest until the big finale? its actually constant disaster? well thats just swell, finally.
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It's "The Day After Tomorrow" again:
A climatologist tries to figure out a way to save the world from abrupt global warming. He must get to his young son in New York, which is being taken over by a new ice age.
Put a dog in it too, Roland on and on and on . . . -
They were hilarious. Maybe it's a knee jerk American reaction to still see the Ruskies as enemies?
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That's what I am talking about. Someone who appreciates entertainment for what it is. Everyone knows going into this movie there will be plenty of absurdities, but who cares. It is a "fun" disaster movie, nothing more, nothing less.
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It's like the characters are moving from disaster movie to disaster movie. We get the Earthquake movie, the volcano movie, the weather movie, the (Deep Impact) tsunami movie, and then, fucking Titanic.
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His movies are usually colossal pieces of shit, but a least he does it on a grand scale.
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but chicken in peril is my new jumped the shark.
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You know what thick eyebrows mean...
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Whats up?
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Promoting this. Looked embarrassed, sqwermed a lot when asked about the film, he even sighed a couple of times.
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When I saw the trailers the first thing I said was that I hope it's 2 hours of running and driving and flying away from the exploding crashing burning world. Dont bother trying to use it as a backdrop for a story about his relationship with his ex wife, or a comment on how we survive times of crisis, just explode already. Personally I know there will be a happy ending but I'd love it if the last scene of the movie was them discovering the planet had ripped out of orbit and was plummeting towards the sun but that would never happen. -
SPECIAL EFFECTS RULE THE WORLD!!!
(or at least they should!) -
Ok, maybe not that bad, but close.
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Hell stops things from being loose. Best.Premise.Ever.
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Except for the chicken in peril part, right? It's three hours of Cusack and the chicken, right? RIGHT?
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But I actually don't get off sexually on seeing famous landmarks being destroyed.
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Okay, maybe that's a bad example.
But at least Albert Pyun came here for advice. -
that 'n 'splosions
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he swore he'd make us pay
His last words as he died from turning into a block of velveta
*I coulda been ah conteah* -
I think we are due for one.
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*FIRE BAD*
and knowing is half the battle -
TF2 had a built-in audience. It would have outgained 2012 2-1.
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some dewd named *Roland* at the helm
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I'm actually game for that.
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is a terrible movie. Pound for pound it's as bad as the Al Pacino flick Revolution.
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Won't even come close to half of TF2's box office and it shouldn't either.
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First time I've ever heard that one.
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Of course, Cusak was squirming and nervous on Irish TV. He doesn't know the language.
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"There is no escape... from the void... of my bowels..."
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might have made this a gotta see film... Plus, I like the idea of the speech being cut short at the end. I also would have applauded.
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The best summer movie in November in years you say? O0o0o0o0o0o0o0oh Goddd! I just came.
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Nov 13, 2009 12:55:13 PM CST
More than anything its the runtime that puts me off
by judge dredds fresh undies
if it were and hour and 50 minutes i wouldn't mind if it were pretty average with some pretty effects and a chicken in peril sequence... But at 2 hours 40 minutes im going to be uncomfortable as hell in the shitty cinema seats.
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no werepooches allowed
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Not a summer movie in the sense of a crazy amount of CGI, but still with the name value of Bond you could release it then.
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which is a Roland Emmerich trademark, isn't it? A moment of brilliance, followed by inanity. Also the complex web of relations in the tribe, that the hero stomps on, were well done.
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Cause Capone likes shit movies too now! DEAR GOD!!! Next thing you know....Capone will be watching TWATLIGHT 2!
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Good one, Capone. Unbiased and judging a film on its merits and not by some strange set of standards that all films should somehow adhere to.
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Nov 13, 2009 1:48:36 PM CST
So because it isn't an epic fail we are supposed to applaud him?
by jawsfan
Let me get this straight -- the special effects wizards did all the heavy lifting on this film, but Emmerich gets credit for this film not sucking as bad as it could have? It's still dumb and disappointing on a characterization and narrative level (which is exactly what a film is NOT supposed to be), but we should be expected to heap praises Emmerich's way for this movie NOT being the big giant turd it could have been? We applaud him not because the film is great (which none of his will ever be) but because it doesn't suck too bad?
Wow. The decline of standards continues. If your kid is talented and smart and comes home with all C's on his report card, you don't pat him on the back and say "Good job" because he didn't get all D's. You smack him on the head a few times and send him back to school to get A's.
Don't subscribe to the "Who cares if it is any good so long as it looks good" bullshit. Don't be a Dick Jones from "Robocop" -
...Think about it: John Cusack playing a science-fiction writer, formerly hooked up with Amanda Peet (guess it didn't work out for them), and their "son" in the trailers looks *EXACTLY* like a several-years-older version of his adopted kid in MARTIAN.
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in my opinion was the best summer movie to come out in november
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They are end of the year actioners. Dr. No (october) Summer dates on Bonds are more rare than november dates.
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I'm even more excited for this film now, I would go see it tonight but apparently I have no friends and don't wanna go alone.
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Not Roland by himself jack-ass. It takes both of them to make watchable movies. Like Stargate and ID4.
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Was the best November Summer movie, but even then, that movie kinda blew.
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Because the Mayans say so? If the Mayans are so dead on with their beliefs then how come I can't go have a beer with Quetzlcoatl? Yeah, that's Aztec, but who gives a shit.
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Casino Royale also came out in November, and that movie shits awesomeness on all of us!
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...because it was made by a moron. I will not go see it, and I hope Roland Emmerich's family burns to death in a fire for the way he contributes to the degradation of cinema. However, I do hope that he survives said fire, and lives to understand why the cosmos has punished him for his transgressions.
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Nov 13, 2009 4:34:25 PM CST
We all know it's bad. Come on, it's Emmerich. All I want it's no
by mrfloppy
We all know it's bad. Come on, it's Emmerich. All I want it's not to be like 10.000 bad. That was BAAAD and boring.
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You and Ebert.
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"I hope Roland Emmerich's family burns to death in a fire for the way he contributes to the degradation of cinema."You, sir, are one very sick puppy. Get thee to a veterinary and have yourself put down.
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why bore us to death with shitty characters and melodrama between every money shot? just cut the running time in half and blow shit up. stop trying to convince me this is a real film or that you are not completely lazy. thats what i cant stand about Trnasformers. if you care so little about characters or story just dont waste our time. make a demo reel of shit getting blowed up real good. why the fuck is this movie 2.5 hours long?! why? it serves no purpose other than to bore us to death with lame characters we've seen 2 million times do shit no one cares about. just make ASS: The Movie and be done with it!
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Harry thinks this is like shitting on a cock ........ Someone is telling lies. Own up.
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Yep, that's right. Awesome November movie.
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Saw it today, and it was entertaining. It was a simple story based around relentless property destruction and narrow escapes. Awesome effects. Anyone expecting more is a fucktard. It's a popcorn movie for fucks sake, not an oscar contender.
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'Cause I'm going, with a big drink.
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Best scene in the movie (not involving FX) without a doubt. We need to make t-shirts of the chicken.
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to the best supporting actor race. It's a weak year apart from Christoph Waltz, who already has it won. So I don't see why Chicken N. Peril can't get a nomination. They should start the campaign for him immediately. Provided the ceremony doesn't conflict with his schedule, I think it'd be a great step forward for chickenkind. I mean it would disappointing if one of the less deserving goats from The Men Who Stare at Goats made it in just because he was on the poster.
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Oh wait we are too much of a pussy to put that on film.
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I can't go through long and terrible again.
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But 2012 was pretty bad. By the numbers FX porn with a Emmerich Mad Libs script. Technically I was forced to see it, and for free, so I don't have to feel guilty. Side note: Roland Emmerich should be banned from scripting the line "My...God." ever again.
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I have some free passes. I'll probably go check this out. Maybe Sunday evening or even better Monday evening which is I believe the least busy night at the movies on average.
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I mean, we live here.
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They were all over this site a few weeks ago.
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Perhaps he can blow up Michael Bay in his next film, followed by himself.
Say, then does this mean Dean Devlin was the brains of the pair way back when? -
But for blockbusters, all bests are off. He can detest a rare intelligent blockbuster, and then he can be weirdly and mysteriously supportive of a complete pile of bullshit blockbuster. With Capone, you can never be sure about blockbusters. There's no rhyme or reason for what blockbuster he will like or hate.But on the art-house and "foreign" stuff, he's flawless.
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How can you screw up a 500 foot radioactive social commentary? You make it run away from helicopters, asexually reproduce, and die by Taxi.
Still I'll gut it out on this one because I can't get enough of super waves and the terror they evoke. -
Nov 14, 2009 10:03:03 AM CST
I like the Glover/Back to the Future reference
by grammaton cleric binks
I don't want to spoil it in case no one has gotten it yet
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as all get out.
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...the idea of "Dumb Fun" is the reason we have movies like Jackass...maybe the mouth breathers should burn a few couches after seeing the movie too. idiots
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and thats all i have to say about that
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and thats all i have to say about that
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50 cent
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And you GASP kind of know what's going on.
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How many time out of 10 do you agree or disagree with someone elses opinion of a movie? Have you ever gone back at least 10 movie reviews and counted the times someone fucking hated a movie so bad they rip it a new asshole, yet you went to the movie and enjoyed the hell out of it? What about the times someone jizzed in their pants in a review...just to leave you pissed off that you saw a horrible POS?
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You forgot to add the fun part in "mindless fun". You needed 2.5+ hrs to tell THIS story - really?
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38% on Rotten Tomatoes, and they better make a lot this weekend because Twilight New Moon is in the bullpen.
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It will make all of it's money back on one day, but it will fade away during the week.
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I figure there has to be enough 12-37 year old women and gay men to make this movie shoot past 100 million in a few days. I never saw the first one either. It looked like Dawsons creek with super powers and cuddly superhero vampires. (gag)
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over $23 mill in a day is alot of cheese. However, I've lost ALL faith in the modern movie audience. They're all mentally retarded.
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Not if the millions of 16-20 year old girls have anything to say about it. They'll drag their boyfriends to that 4 times a day. Poor bastards will have to pay for it all too.
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It'll be released on over 4,000 screens (as opposed to 3,400 for the first one). And not much competition; neither The Blind Side and Planet 51 don't inspire confidence in playing spoiler.
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Nov 15, 2009 2:17:19 AM CST
John Cusack was not the "everyman". The indian scientist was.
by gibsonusa returns
John Cusack's character was an oddball.
The indian scientist that started the movie looked like a loving familyman doing his job. He was the everyman. -
C'mon man, I used to take him seriously! I'll never be able to see him again without thinking of this movie!
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Nov 15, 2009 6:17:09 AM CST
Who the fuck cares, when AVATAR is fucking our eyeballs in Decem
by motoko kusanagi
seriously
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that shoulda been *decemBER*
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You better believe it. I saw it, it's EXACTLY what you think it's gonna be-but both Harold and PogoPope are on the money here. Caponi-not so. It's drivel and dreck and lotsa things that go BOOOM and death galore of a few gazillion souls. The 'Science' is Gilligan level. The acting is too. You may enjoy it-I know I liked the Woody Harrelson stuff-but c'mon. It's the same exact shite as Earthquake, the Towering Inferno and the A-Team. Say no more.
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This is codespeak.
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Nov 15, 2009 9:47:38 AM CST
okay, so you expected it to be shit, but you went and watched it
by cloudrider`
bravo. you guys helped make transformers 2 a huge success, and now you're ensuring devlin to make more shit as well.
and yeah, dont forget the success of that wolverine movie as well. you geeks do me proud. -
Entertain. Shit was I entertained.
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A few movies I've expected to be shit have pleasantly surprised me. Unfortunately, 2012 wasn't one of those movies.
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alphanumeric for garbage.
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Didn't watch Transformers, fought down my need to watch GI Joe... this one though... This will be stupid, badly acted, badly written disaster porn... and I can't help but want to see it real bad.
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He plays the same motherfucker in EVERY movie. I know it's alittle cliche to critique an actor with that statement but he really hasn't played anyone outside of himself.
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...this movie will be screened to all of mankind. Those who like it will be sterilized. The next generation will be free from genetic defects.
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2012 is a massive turd.
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well called Capone. 2012 was basically what i expected in terms of storytelling and character development (it had none) but more fun than it has a right to be. Anyone complaining about what they got clearly didn't know what they'd bought a ticket for. This is Roland Emmerich destroys the world with loveable John Cusack at the center of the destruction. You know going in whether you'll hate it so if that's what you think just don't buy the ticket. There's really no excuse for complaints on this one. It is what it is, nothing more nothing less.
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anyone think the "ships" the government are making at the ending of this look like a take or should I say ripoff from cussler's book, I think it was called Atlantis Found...maybe its just me...
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"What about the times someone jizzed in their pants in a review...just to leave you pissed off that you saw a horrible POS?"Jar Jar Abrams's STINO.
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