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He were warned, but he went anyway! Massawyrm returns from 2012 to tell you about your future!
Hola all. Massawyrm here.
2012 is a movie so bad that the Vatican is in talks with God to cancel the actual Armageddon altogether. An unnamed source within those hallowed halls has revealed to me that “The whole thing is a clusterfuck. The big man’s pissed. At a time when people should be reflecting on their lives, family and salvation, this movie is going to have them trying to outrun skyscrapers in single engine planes and the hordes of Hell in dune buggies. Now we have to pin the whole thing on Mayan laziness or an attempt at the job security in the astronomical calendar making industry. And I was really looking forward to meeting Jesus too.”
To fully understand what went wrong here we have to go back 11 years to the summer of 1998, when all life on earth was threatened not by an ancient Y2K bug, but by giant fucking slabs of rock and ice the size of Texas. That summer we saw two identical concepts realized in two very different ways. One film chronicled the end of the world and the race to save our species from extinction. DEEP IMPACT was a science fiction drama about coming to grips with our own fragile nature and our inability to save ourselves. The other movie, ARMAGEDDON, was distinctly more ‘Merican, in which the USA’s best and brightest realize the only way to save the Earth is to strap a rocket to the ass of a bunch of surly, drunken rednecks and blast them into space with a shit ton of nookular weapons so they can blow that shit up real good. Rather than dealing with the gripping realities of the end of the world, it was an action buddy-comedy with moon buggy rides, machine guns and fiery explosions in space.
As a director, Roland Emmerich possesses the skill-set to make only one of these movies. He’s made UNIVERSAL SOLDIER, STARGATE, INDEPENDENCE DAY and GOD-fucking-ZILLA. If there is military to be dispatched, 50’s era super-scientists to wag their fingers while pulling batshit insane pseudoscience out of their asses and wily rednecks to fly crop-dusters into alien motherships, this is the mother fucker to do it. So why in God’s name didn’t he try to remake ARMAGEDDON?
Watching Roland Emmerich try to remake DEEP IMPACT is kind of like watching a monkey try to fuck a football. He just can’t figure it out. And fumble and twist and turn though he might, the end result is always the same, with everyone involved leaving frustrated and ultimately disappointed. It’s not a movie, it’s the proof of concept for a shitty videogame destined for the $14.99 shelf. There is nothing remotely movie-like about this film except that it was projected on a very large screen and no one was handed a controller.
Completely lacking anything to do with the Mayan Calendar whatsoever – except to mention no less than three times that the Mayans knew some crazy shit was going to go down in the year 2012 -- we’ve run out of virtually everything we can surmise to kill the Earth and have inevitably turned to the sun. Finally succeeding in having created a problem we can’t solve with nuclear weapons (psst, douchebags, Danny Boyle saved the Earth from the sun two years ago, and he managed to find a way to incorporate nuclear weapons) we watch as the Earth is boiled from the inside out like an egg left in the microwave too long. This causes a number of cracks and eruptions on the surface, dooming us all.
So how does sooper-geenyus Roland Emmerich showcase this incredible, previously un-thunk scenario? By putting John Cusack in dangerous situations and watching him run from them. Over and over again. Like a video game, Cusack must navigate from level to level as he is given badass vehicles to outrun increasingly more ludicrous natural disasters. He outruns earthquakes in a limo and citywide sinkholes in a Cessna and a volcanic eruption in an RV and a wall of burning ash in a cargo plane. And that’s just the things he outruns in the beginning of the second act.
Remember how ridiculous that scene was in THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW in which our heroes outrun the fucking weather? This is worse. Because this movie is entirely constructed of these scenes loosely strung together with weak melodrama vomited from the mouths of talented actors. Just wait until people try to outrun tsunamis. Because they do. The only time no one is running from something is when they are inexplicably about to crash into something instead.
All the while the film attempts to be lofty, dreamy and inspirational. It takes itself completely god damned seriously. It’s hard enough to hear the film over the pained, distant screams of science, begging to be put out of its misery for the abominations Emmerich tries to wring from it, but as it attempts to be important, the film is often drowned out by the yawns of the audience. Like a teenage nerd in Doc Martins and eyeliner it wants so badly to be something that it isn’t and never for a moment fools anybody. Imagine PEARL HARBOR without the 40 minute scene of attacking PEARL HARBOR and you begin to understand how overwrought and mind numbing this is.
BUT THE SPECIAL EFFECTS! THOSE ARE COOL RIGHT? No. Fuck the special effects. The only thing they serve to do is to punctuate how little else is actually going on in the movie. Making matters worse is that Emmerich is throwing so many money shots at you at once that he never lingers to let you take in just how awesome a spectacle it is all supposed to be. It is a rapid fire staccato of carnage that you become completely inured to within the first five minutes of it happening. He even goes so far as to steal a few Titanic gags, trying to make amusing light of the terrible things happening to people. You might giggle when someone plummets from a building to their death. But that’s the extent of your emotional attachment.
And when you fly over a city being swallowed by the sea, you never believe it, you never feel it. You don’t care. And you’re not even allowed to marvel long enough at single shots to focus on any one thing to think is cool. The few shots we do watch for more than a few seconds are all the same, water pouring over mountains. And that never looks real for a fucking second. Remember that awesome shot in ARMAGEDDON when the large piece of asteroid obliterates Paris? There is more spectacle and emotional resonance in that single, 11 year old shot than in the whole and breadth of this tired, lazy video game.
Seriously, by the third time John Cusack tries to outrun something you’ve seen pretty much everything this movie has to offer. A complete and utter waste, if you miss this you will have missed nothing.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
Massawyrm
Got something for the Wyrm? Mail it here.
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This looks like the cinematic equivalent of cotton candy. Maybe enjoyable, if it's your thing, but ultimately empty.
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Let's wait and see the real thing
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After all of his great movies he would finally make a dud.
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Emmerich just keeps making the same movie over and over. And it's a lousey movie to begin with. PEARL HARBOR was junk, but the 40 minutes of the attack was good. And why? Because they actually showe it happening to PEOPLE - not buildings and bridges and cars and planes. I can't wait to avoid this one...
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I know that PH wasn't Emmerich - just making a reference...
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That had Elijah Wood outrunning a country-destroying mega-tidal wave on a moped, right? That's the Deep Impact you're talking about?Even Roland Emmerich was heard to say, "Elija Wood outruns a tidal wave on a moped? That's stupid."Although Keanu Reeves outrunning a cold-fusion explosion on a motorcycle merits a close second.
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...we have the best 'chicken in peril' scene of the year (perhaps even the decade?). 2012 is surely a shoe-in for the Best Domesticated Fowl scene at next years Oscars
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I predict a box office north of $300M. Never bet against the stupidity of the modern Movie goer.
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review brings the lols
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Is that you'd be disappointed if you couldn't watch a monkey successfully fuck a football.
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why are they so sta sta sta stupid?
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Except with John Cusack instead of Megan Fox. And well shit, I was hoping for the Citizen Kane of disaster movies with a complex allegory for today's world and oscar-caliber acting. Either that, or I was just planning on seeing a movie where a lot of property gets destroyed just to kill some time.
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The reviews have been terrible. Don't give in to the studio's PR machine. Save your money. Don't buy a ticket. Rent a good movie instead. The Silent Partner. Klute. Anything.
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couldn't tell
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Maybe the poor grammar is a sly comment on the stupidity of the movie? Oh, wait, no, it's just a typo.
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Thank you, Massa. You need to sit Harry down and teach him how to write.
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there were some proper way to fuck a football that the monkey isn't smart enough to work out. Now, I'm not saying you can't fuck a football, but to the best of my knowledge, there is no universally accepted way to fuck a football that we've figured out and monkeys haven't.
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at least it would have had a good soundtrack
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Nov 13, 2009 9:19:29 AM CST
Wrym confirms what we've all been thinking it would be.
by hint_of_smegma
The words 'Not Surprised' tumble from my brain to my fingers to my keyboard to your screen. Good review Wrym. I'm expecting something equally as stinging for Atari's, whoops sorry, James Cameron's Avatar.
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Post the chicken in peril scene on youtube.
Harry should have never mentioned that because I'm almost tempted to go see the movie. -
because he encourages us to smoke. He's obviously a bit edgy and rock 'n' roll
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This film looks so shit.
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youtube.
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Still one of the best popcorn scarfing, balls-to-the-wall summer blockbusters ever. Nigh perfect.
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People are fucking stupid and they'll pay to see the 'splosions.
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I'd like to see something like a colossal alien hand come out of a black hole and using a gigantic spatula, start flipping continents like they were pancakes. Nothing "Over Easy", either - Do fucking Vegas Bartender-style theatrics with the damn things.
Maybe a scene where the oceans freeze solid at a tsunami's rate of speed - But a cute baby porpoise out-swims the advancing edge of the freeze just in time to leap right out of the sea and into Cusack's passing limo, landing directly in the screaming little girl's lap, who then instantly cheers up and starts begging Cusack, "Oh Daddy - Can we keep him?", while the porpoise cackles and screeches and winks at the audience.
Wait. I've got a great one.
FOCUS: The aftermath of armageddon, and not a single trace of life remains on the planet. The camera swoops through utter devastation and smoking rubble for four minutes and finally zeroes in on the barely-recognizable shell of a Blockbuster Video, glides through what's left of a window and finally stops at a few dvd's sticking out from under an overturned display rack. They're all Roland Emmerich movies, and as it all fades to black, the following words appear on the screen (with an ominous chord of doom): "WE WERE WARNED."
Fuck this shit. Fuck this movie. -
And worse still, this ham gum is all bones!
One of the best Futuramas ever. -
Cheered me the fuck up anyway!
Serious question though. Cant even Cusack save this movie? Even just a little bit? -
actually that scene wasn't half bad. Most of the scenes had a comic payoff. The movie is not bad. It has MANY funny moments. It is the thrill factor I have trouble with. Those "edge of your seat" scenes are just not engageing.
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Weren't they trying to be one step below SyFy Channel quality?
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Come on...it is going to be shit! We all know it!! And those that don't want to waste their lives - ignore it!! But I have three hours to kill this weekend and I am gonna see this beauty!! People want stupid hack movies...people don't wanna see that deep and wonderful and meaningful stuff that you all want - they just want to see crap! That's why Transformers did well. Thats why Sex in the City did well. That's why Let The Right One In made $3.50 at the box office....People want shallow stupid shit where they don't think and all they can do is go 'ooh aah ooh aaah' every ten minutes. Bravo to them I say! And anyway, I have trusted AICN reviews before, and they have let me down big time....Superman Returns anyone? Plus I saw UP finally...the first 20 minutes were glorious...the rest of the film was utter shit covered in urine and pig spunk. Yeah, I called a kids movie pig spunk! (I'm having a bad day)Talking dogs indeed....
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I'll wait to rent on blu ray so I can at least have a fast forward button.
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on a dirtbike? Obviously way more realistic.
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Or a multiplex? Because while I agree completely with your review, in that it was easily the stupidest movie I can ever remember seeing, and normally I don't give a fuck about f/x, this time around I was actually kind of stunned. You can still tell what is CGI and what isn't. Even the big metal doughnut had that CGI quality about it as it rolled past the limo. But even so, I (and the audience I was with) love the f/x. Loved them in the same way Bill Hicks rhapsodied about Terminator 2 effects, all those years ago.
Plus, several times the audience laughed/clapped at what was happening. The Russian character got the audience laughing and applauding more than once. "It is Russian" was the biggest one.
Is it insanely stupid? Absolutely. Still, I enjoyed it, as a 2 hour demo reel of what computers can do now-a-days.
I think if you know what to expect, its worth seeing on a really big screen. -
I was right then it is a wacky comedy?
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Would you agree that, even if they weren't emotionally engaging, it would be a waste of time to watch the destruction / fx on youtube or a computer screen?
Just interested. -
And John Cusack just stood there open-mouthed. Then he farted, raised a boom box and played "In Your (Brown) Eyes."
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But I'm not intrigued to see it. Not one bit.
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Especially after the craptacular 10,000b.c. Worst fucking film I have ever seen and yes, that includes Batman & Robin. Although Epic Movie came close, the only movie I switched off halfway through, on a Sunday afternoon, where most things can get a free pass!
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Nov 13, 2009 10:01:58 AM CST
"Watching Roland Emmerich try to remake DEEP IMPACT is kind of l
by heyscot
AHAHAHAHAAAAA! They should put that in the 2012 marketing:
"Watching Roland Emmerich try to remake DEEP IMPACT is kind of like watching a monkey try to fuck a football. He just can’t figure it out."
*GREAT* line! -
Nov 13, 2009 10:03:57 AM CST
2012? Well that's cutting it a little bit close, isn't it? I mea
by axl z
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I mean, just from a sales point of view, I mean your book is just coming out, you're not gonna see any paperback sales for at least a year. It'll be at least another year before you know whether you've got that mini-series or movie of the week kind of possibilities. I mean just Devil's Advocate Milty! I mean shouldn't you have said: Hey the worlds going to end in 2022! Or better yet 2024!
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he just made it to higher ground before it reached them. and if other people could make that on their feet, he better have on his moped. but yeah armageddon so needs a blu-ray release, deep impact not so much but i think already is out.
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If you like effects it is a must theater experience. I entertained myself with the idea to watch Transformes 2 just for the effects, but I did not. I could donwload it but I don't even bother. And it comes from someone who is a CGI buff. However I saw the AVATAR trailer for the first time on big screen and I have to say it was more effective on computer.
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Epic Fail.
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Emmerich works this way: "Hey guys! I've got some great ideas for some money-shot special effects! Can you write me some dialog around them???"
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Thanks for that. I haven't seen Avatar on anything but the small screen, so that'll be an interesting comparison.
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Nov 13, 2009 10:25:14 AM CST
I still haven't gotten over the pain of that "godzilla" movie...
by mrhazard
Last Emmerich movie I watched... Last Emmerich movie I will EVER watch...
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perhaps the 2012 the mayans were warning us of was in fact this movie.
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I think everyone that has reviewed this movie on this site is compleely missing the point. It's Roland Emmerich, not fucking Martin Scorcese. Emmerich doesn't even have one really descent movie! I will watch it on Blu Ray and laugh at how retarded it is. I mean I want the guy to make something awesome but it aint gonna happen!
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I think everyone that has reviewed this movie on this site is compleely missing the point. It's Roland Emmerich, not fucking Martin Scorcese. Emmerich doesn't even have one really descent movie! I will watch it on Blu Ray and laugh at how retarded it is. I mean I want the guy to make something awesome but it aint gonna happen!
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Sometimes it's funny just to read a funny review tht puts it's foot in a movies ass.
Still, I'm willing to reserve judgement on this movie. I like John Cusack, and this might be fun in some ways. -
...even though I know this one is probably a better indicator... fuck... I really am going to hate myself in the morning...
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Um, hello? Anybody there? Hey, can you pick us up because the food's running out and the commode is broken.
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I was really hoping to hear your opinions of The Box and Men Who Stare at Goats last week.
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As a matter of fact, not ALL reviews have been bad. Some have been seriously positive. One (I think it was Hollywood Reporter) gace it 4 our of 4(!) and thought it was a messy piece of brilliance. And Ebert also loved it. There have been others, too. So, no, this is not a 100% scalding, far from it.
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That was schmaltzy as hell and
******************SPOILER******* they incinerate the earth at the end. But that whole movie made me want to upchuck. -
My thoughts exactly. This isn't the 80s... a movie that has "state of the art" special effects doesn't mean anything anymore.Most movies these days have sound too.
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Search your feeling, you know it to be true.
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I think the first sentence deserves to be on the DVD box cover
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Pardon the pun...but seriously. 'GEDDON is pure entertainment, DI is a goddamn snore.
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Excellent. LOL.
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The only thing even remotely intriguing to me about this film was the Mayan mythology, and they brush over it? Thanks you for saving me some hard earned money.
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It had an interesting mystery in the first act, a batshit twist I was not expecting (aliens, wtf) and it had the balls to actually incinerate the Earth to the tune of Mozart's 7th. Also ballsy, was that it had the means to use the aliens as a Deus Ex Machina to save the Earth and it didn't. 'Hooray, aliens with vastly superior technology have come to save us!'. "Uh...yeah...we can't do that...sorry. We're just here to pick up some of your Mensa kids, but yeah, all the mediocre people are doomed." Then 'Hey, we can all go into underground caves, survive the firestorm then rebuild the earth!'. "Uh...about that....yeahhhh...I was just lying to make you feel better, that won't save us. Go home and die"
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Wow. I guess all those haters flaming this film before it was released were right after all. But, remember, it's not like this could have been *known* ahead of time; it's not like it could have been *predicted* that it would be bad. It's important to keep a completely open mind about the potential quality of a film irrespective of anything that comes out before the actual release. Sure, a film's trailer may be skunky, or the premise/plot/characters may be silly or seem kinda stupid; it's important to *ignore* all that and give Hollywood it's opening BO due. That's why *I* think Green Hornet has real potential and can't wait to see what Seth has planned for us. And I can't wait for Avatar, because I really, really liked Ferngully.
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"kind of like watching a monkey try to fuck a football". I'll be using that one.
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That was some funny shit, Dude...
How does this guy still make movies..every movie you named off sucked-horrible, easily on everyone top worst list -
Fuck Capone, fuck Harry (not literally - that's a bad idea), your opinion means more to me.
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Or it was BOTH a play on the stupidity of the film coupled with the film's tagline "WE were warned." No, not a typo afterall. You just made an ass out of you and Umption.
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about terrible English.
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...I believe this to be your best review ever. Seriously.
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They should make a fucking sequel to that highly entertaining film.
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Does ANYONE find this hackneyed visual device exciting anymore? Be it fire, water, the WEATHER, or earthquakes, it's just become this horrendously boring cliche at this point, because you're NEVER going to see the hero and his family buy it, just a bunch of digitized extras. According to Emmerich, you can evade getting crisped by a 100-foot tall fireball just by HIDING IN A CLOSET (and without even closing the fucking door...!). People surprises that thsi movie sucks are also surprised when snow melts.
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It was a drifting snowflake and I ran faster than it to the end of my street.IT CAN BE DONE AND I HAVE DONE IT FOR I AM MAGNIFICANT.
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I mean, I know this guy had mammoths building the pyramids, but Jesus fucking Christ, can people stop with the Mayan nonsense? their calendar re-cycles in 2012, THAT'S IT!
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...I'm almost finished watching Night of the Comet based on its vehement recommendation by AICN readers, and it's really not that good. And Catherine Mary Stewart doesn't get naked in it. Not very good at all.
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Anything to get away from the kids is worth it, no matter how bad the movie.
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I hate it when people make slighted comments towards video games when anyone who's played a decent game in the past 8 years knows that games have come a long way from moving from level to level outrunning destruction. Uncharted 2's storytelling and action beats any big event movie that has come out this year. Why don't you actually try something before dismissing it outright? All it does is make you sound like a pretentious elitist douche.
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Massa You made me laugh out loud with that "Monkey trying to fuck a football" line. Now my co-workers think I'm a crazy slacker.
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Enough with the effects without a good story. Why don't these douches get round to using effects in a story that's crying out for them.
You want to see the earth destroyed with style and real menace ? Then make The Forge of God into a Movie.
That is all. -
Yoko, when your fatfuck money investm... sorry, husband... dies (any moment now) please leave Massa in charge while you just count the money, okay?
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This movie is one big, long, giant turd. 3 hours of my life wasted. Spare yourself and go see something else. No, really. Spare yourself.
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Who wouldn't pay to see that?!
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Yeah like the same damn shot he did already of the wave going over New York. That was pretty iconic, and much better than the movie that surrounded it.
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You know what I meant.
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You don't go to disaster movies to hear people whine about the "human condition" and our "fragile nature"... you go to things go HORRIBLY WRONG in SPECTACULAR WAYS for all of the stupid characters stuck in said situation!!! :DSounds like 2012 does exactly that! Bring on Ragnarök!!! >:D
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I find earthquakes cool, so I'm sure I'll probably add this to my Netflix queue at some point, but going to the theaters to see it? I'll pass....
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is a remake of Earthquake, that is to say a more realistic movie about a earthquake hitting L.A., that's actually something that could happen (unlike this 2012 bullshit) and it would scare the crap out of people more than this would I bet
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No, Massawyrm, you got it ALL wrong. FUCK YOU and your ignorant limp-wristed take on things. you need to remember something...SPECIAL EFFECTS RULE THE UNIVERSE!!! If it weren't for special effects, you be selling slushies at 7/11. Now, go join the girls, goths and gays at the TWILIGHT sequel and wet your pants...that kind of crap seems right up YOUR alley.
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if this flick had been a 2 hour explosion-fest I would have been ok with all of the cliches, it sadly is trying to be a poignant tale of the apocalypse directed by someone who doesn't no what real emotion is. It is so fucking boring by the last act I wanted to get up & leave.
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The people are cut and paste, the story is meh, its too long, the last act should have been lopped off with a Highlander sword.
But those looking for destruction eye candy are in for a treat. I dozed off through the dialogue and woke up to the bass bombs to catch the action. But we see two scenes twice with different vehicles. Limo jump over crevice > camper jump over crevice, and two airplanes take off right before the ground falls from beneath it with a OOOOOOHHH SHHHHIIIII....... -
There you go. Two word review, Massa. Beat that!
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Yeah I just saw it. The same danged thing as Day After Tomoro or ID4, though ID4 was kinda fun while 'Tomoro' was as brain dead as this one was. I liked the sea-arks, the F/X were pretty great all in all, and it's nice to see familiar faces-Cusack, Peet, Glover-but it's basically by the numbers. Armageddon> this by a mile.
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And its was really nice. I actually thought the snow was in the theatre and I love snow. Bring on Toy Story 3 and Avatar.
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Different strokes and all that but I thought it was OK. I went there expecting lots of explosions and large scale destruction and that's what I got.
The non-stop action made it feel like we were there for less time than we actually were. Bonus.
I almost missed this one 'cause of you. -
Meant to say because I trust your opinion and you trashed it....
tee-hee monkey fucking a football.... -
That review was a work of art.
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...of your sexual acumen. If you can fuck a football, you can pretty much fuck anything.
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