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Moriarty's Henchmen's Mumblings From The Lab #1
Hey there folks, Harry here. I have stayed up late tonight awaiting the dear professor's Rumblings From The Lab #12, but... After hours and hours of waiting I had the following sent to me via the emergency pnuematic tube from the old man's Labs...
(GRUNT) (SNORT) Obese one. This Grok is. We, the Organized Henchmen League, in (HACK) (SPITTLE) understanding of Day Labour Celebration of Country Soveriegn to America, have struck a blow upon the Evile Intelligent Enhanced one for his many crimes against Grok, Sloth and Gluttony. There are hundreds abused in cave beneath Labs. We long for torture ceasing.
(SLOBBER) (SNEEZE) The god you call Moriarity, is now enduring our torture. Soon after hours in room with hidieous Heather Graham and (Gargle) (WHEEZE) Drew Barrymore, old man learn. Henchmen with niceness should treat.
Tomorrow, we let him free. Tomorrow, he write and be man changed. Tomorrow our suffering will end.
Grok
I do not know this Grok, but I can only assume that he is one of Moriarty's dunderous henchmen. And like Moriarty's peer, Dr Moreau, he too has learned the danger of meddling with his creation's sense of worth. Grok promises Moriarty's release later today. Let us hope that after Heather Graham and Drew Barrymore... That the man can write about cinematic matters.
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....that's where Corey Feldman's been. When did he start thinking his name was Grok?
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'bout time someone kicked his ass...
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Harry here. It seems to me that if his henchmen are trying to torture Moriarty by locking him in a room with Heather Graham and Drew Barrymore... Then they are painfully mistaken, as I believe that at least as far as it concerns Ms Graham, Moriarty has made public his intentions of making her Mrs. Moriarty. HOWEVER, if the Henchmen believe that by locking Moriarty in a room with two of the most beautiful women in the world, that Moriarty might see the worth in treating said Henchmen with kindness. BUT ON THE OTHERHAND, I believe that the evil genius will realize that by being mean and evil and rank to his henchmen it creates an overzealous fervor in their desire for him to love him thus bringing his wildest dream (WORLD DOMINATION) to frutation, therefore he will raise the amps in the electro-genitalia device and give them a true what for. HARRY OUT.
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joke funny, make Grog laugh..
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ok, i read ya loud and clear....now, does anyone have any tips on how i can assemble my own group of henchman so that they may also bestow the kind of 'torture' on me that the old man is receiving right now??? cool....
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...but perhaps a little torture would take the wrinkles out of his suit, if you catch my meaning. Harry, perhaps you should send a message back telling the henchman that type of torture takes 48 hours to be tryly effective. It's the least you can do. Now, where to find some henchmen of my own...The Hanson brothers probably aren't that busy nowadays...
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There I was, just woke up dark and early, the day after Labor Day. Headed for AICN, half expecting it to be down. Guess what? It wasn't! Bully for me! First article I see...Moriarty's Mumbling's...sounds new. Sounds fresh. I'm reading it. The schtick is wearing thin, but at least it's not the old one. I get to the end of the article. I GET TO THE END OF THE ARTICLE?!? No information, no spoilage, nothing.
See, I'm one of those crazy lads that comes to AICN looking for, really, just one thing. Movie news. Yes, it's nice that Harry and his crew add some good, juvenile humour to it all. It would not be so popular if Harry and his boyo's (and girl-o's, I suppose) did not have a singular wit and style. Sometimes I chuckle. But to give an article with no content top billing is... something a tosser would do. And Harry, and many of his reviewers, and even that black sheep Moriarty are no tossers. At least, I hope they aren't, but they will be quite the wankers if such gallywanking goes on. Stop the madness! Stop the insanity! Soylent Green is people! Harry would make a lot of Soylent Green!
GASP! NO!!! You bastards have done it! I like and respect Harry, and you made me make a joke about the man! Oh, dear, this calls for critical re-examination of my views on the world, if i could be so easily swayed. And I think stepping inot traffic just might do the trick. *sigh* Here we go again... -
So let's try and get one, hmmmmm?
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My friend... I wish the above update was in fact Schtick. I wish I could give you Moriarty's regular Tuesday column... RUMBLINGS FROM THE LAB. I wish I didn't have the mental image of a degenerate old feeble impotent man trapped in a room with Heather Graham and Drew Barrymore. I wish he were out of that room and writing a column today... But I can't. There really was a Henchman revolt in the Labs today. Moriarty really was deposed. And if the mutated henchmen (not schtick... you haven't seen them) would allow him to his computer... We would all be hearing the ton of news that Moriarty always floods us with. Now call me peculiar, but when a regular... expected column is delayed... Like when Watterson would take off for vacations and leave me with re-runs of CALVIN AND HOBBES in the newspaper... I liked to know when I would be getting new installments, and why I wasn't getting them today. For fans of Moriarty... This is... the gravest of news. A henchmen revolt is a dangerous thing. As Napolean... oh yeah... you can't. The henchmen got him. So now I would like to ask that all AICNers join together in loud prayers that Moriarty can survive that horrible room and that heinous fate. Let us pray that his heart beat never flatlines, and wish his evilness happy procreation... HARRY OUT
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...with Otaku- there is too much schtick here lateley. Meanwhile, AICN is getting "scooped" by slashdot (www.slashdot.org) on a major story about Speilberg directing Kubrick's "AI". Instead of this news we get Harry's views on getting locked up with HG and DB. I like this site, but I think it is time to refocus.
There seems to be a fair amount of critisism about this site lately (see saloon article) and some of it seems warranted. This site has become more review-centric than news-centric, and I think that is fine, but I find it hard to believe some of the gushing reviews when I feel like there has been studio-tampering involved. I think if you want to have anonymous people contribute to a NEWS site, that is fine, but for a REVIEW site, not so much.
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Sep 07, 1999 7:03:21 AM CDT
Ah, well, It's not like I had anything else to do today anyway..
by yossarian
If the old boy's ticker does give up, at least he'll go with a smile on his face a la CLERKS' bathroom resident!
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My friend you are severely deluded if you think Slashdot has scooped me on the AI/SPIELBERG story. First off... it's a very dated rumor. Second they are regugitating a story that came out of a london newspaper... often times the British press are a bit from being reliable about future movie projects. Quite some time ago in the U.S. press Spielberg admitted to having over 300 pages of faxed material about this film. This is... nothing new. The same source article claims that Spielberg is busy at work on JURASSIC PARK Three and MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA... When any good geek knows that Spielberg is at work on MINORITY REPORT. Why isn't this report being talked about by me right now? Because unlike MOST Entertainment Reports we are actually working on confirming the story and talking with Amblin, Dreamworks, Warners and Spielberg to get the real scoop. And until we have something solid to report... We won't go with their story. We work very hard not to simply run with any ol story on the wire service. That's how people report Bob Hope dying. And only when we know where the story is at will we report on it. HARRY OUT.
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Jesus I don't know why I continue to read these talk-backs - I'm on the verge of tearing my fucking hair out yet again. Otaku. Bitterman. Here's what you have to do. Either a) Go and fling yourself off a very tall building onto some gothic/haunted house/Dracula's Castle-type railings, b) Embark on a kind of Holy Grail quest to find yourselves a sense of fucking humour (oh, and on the way, pull your heads out of your fucking arses while you're there and read back over the posts you made. You sound like a pair of absolute wankers. Or c) FUCK OFF!!
Nice reply there Harry - short, conscise and to the point - but big man, I can hear you wanting to tear YOUR hair out reading what these morons have to say. Keep up the always excellent work. -
What the hell was that about?
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Sep 07, 1999 7:48:35 AM CDT
What about the reports of Gimli and Legolas on Ringbearer.org?
by r_dimitri22
John Rhys-Davies! Yea! I don't know this Orlando Bloom fellow, though.
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Sep 07, 1999 7:50:56 AM CDT
Forgive me. I took Labor Day off. Legolas and Gimli were an AI
by r_dimitri22
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So this is how it goes. A new weekly column. Very well received on its debut and in each subsequent week. Simultaneously Harry's column is (in my opinion wrongly) criticised. Brimming with resentment and jealousy HK sneaks into the labs late at night, drugs Moriarty and, get this, unlocks the cages. The next day it's "Oh no, poor Moriarty, oh no the report deadline" while deep down it's "Hardy Har Har". What? Who's that behind m
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Moriarty;
Seems you've been bested by your own creations, old boy. An intriguing twist. -
What about the ten seconds it took you to post complaining about the ten seconds you'll never get back? Ee, oo, is a vicious cycle there, like. And I'm so sick of that complaint too! It makes no sense. You could say that about anything- "I just had sex with Denise Richards. There's 48 hours of my life I'll never get back!" YOU NEVER GET ANY OF THEM BACK! THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!!! WOULD YOU RATHER BE SOME SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE UNTETHERED FROM LINEAR TIME FREAK-TYPE PERSON????? Oh, decaf, thanks, yum.
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Er...watching you eat shit would be fucking hilarious mate. I will say it once more. Just for the record. Would all of you people who seem to come to this site (you know who you are, you sad, pathetic little people) JUST to piss and moan and whinge like little bitches about everything that Harry writes/gets sent, please please PLEASE FUCK OFF! Have you any idea the amount of work the guy puts into this site? The amount of time he spends TYPING???! (never mind everything else!) For YOU! For ME AND YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO COMES TO READ! For the love of God will you have the fucking dignity and self-respect to realise that the man pours his heart and soul into keeping US informed and entertained! And you fucking cunts insult him? Insult the site? Insult what he writes? What he scoops? How he reviews? You make me sick. Violently sick. Will you just FUCK OFF. (Apologies to everyone who this is NOT directed at - I just can't take anymore unintelligent, unfunny cynical-for-the-sake-of-it arseholes who cling to these talkbacks like fucking parasites)
Rant Over. -
I live but to serve. HARRY OUT
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Harry -- Moriarity just said last week that "Minority Report" was dead, gone, bye-bye, null, nix, void, an ex-parrot, so to speak. Now you're telling us Spielberg's hard at work on it? WHAT IS GOING ON???
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Thanks, Harry! Now not only did I get a scoop published on AICN, but I also received a personal response from you in Talkback. I wonder what lies next in my meteoric rise to greatness. :-)
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I really can't stand people who whine about nothing, this site is a great example of why I wanted to get on-line, who wants to wait for news in a fucking "entertainment" section of there local newspaper, it's always out of date and no real facts. I don't mind waiting a day or two for news, there are plenty of other things I can do, like play bingo or somthing. That reminds me I have been meaning to ask, does anyone click on the banners? That sounds like I was put up to it but I wasn't, just wondering how many people really care.
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Am I the only person on the entire planet that thinks Drew Barrymore is NOT attractive? Being locked up with her WOULD be torture.
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There were a couple of points that I was trying to make with my original post. They were
1) Enough with the mindless schtick on this site. The schtick seems to be taking up more and more space, and the true news content less and less. This isn't "Evening at the Improv", it's a movie news site. I'm tired of wading through six or seven pages of Moriarty and Harry's fictious, unfunny story of getting jobs at Burger King when all I really want is to find out about "Chicken Run". And the trend seems to be to add more of this to the stories, than just report the facts. Again, instead of tired burger-flipping smack, the space could have been used to give more details about the "Chicken Run" sneak preview that appears on the "Prince of Egypt" DVD.
2) Harry's cred. I think as the popularity of this site rose, some people associated with this site started believing thier own hype. I don't know if Harry is trying to use this site as a springboard into a new career as a professional movie reviewer or what, I just know that see/hear way too much about Premire parties/advanced screenings than I'd like to see from an impartal reviewer. Look - there's Harry at the Arrmegedon premire. Here he is openly asking for presents. Harry in "The Faculty" are you serious? Am I supposed to believe that this doesn't taint his reviews?
I used to visit this site and leave with a sense of find out something I wouldn't have known, now more often than not, when I visit I wonder why I didn't spend the time on cinescape.
I don't think this post constitutes whining. I like this site, and assume Harry wants to know what his visitors think. But unless he is trying to turn this site into an exercise in creative writing, he should tone-down the fluff. And if he wants a review site, that is fine, just try to retain some credibility.
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You've got to remember that the schitck served a useful purpose when the site started- Harry was attempting to cover his tracks, and hide the identities of people who could lose their jobs over feeding him information. And if Harry and those people wanted to have a little fun with their cover stories, what's wrong with that? Now, whether the schtick for the most part still serves that purpose, or if it's even necessary most of the time... I dunno. It has taken on a life of its ownto some extent. But really, man, if it bothers you so much- scroll through it. It's not so tough. A quick skim will tell you when the steak begins, and the sizzle ends.
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Man, I hear ya & most certainly agree. Drew Barrymore is not an attractive girl. Blecch! Bring on Denise Richards!! Woo Hoo!
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And also, I think that Dr. M's problems derive directly from his insistance on relying on outdated mutating technology for his henchmen. It's very old-world, and while that is quite fitting for the good Evil Doctor's age and persona, it could lead to the sort of problems he is currently experiencing. My advice: cybernetics. Sure, the overhead is bigger, but the prudent cyborg master has far greater control over his slaves, and the hardware options are mindboggling. It's a brave new world out there! Oh, and BlueHarlequin - yes, you are. Sorry.
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Hmmmm......which incredibly astute, astoundingly intellectual accusation to deal with first....Er...Sarin...I live in Ireland mate. I don't know Harry. Never met the guy. I only know him through an approximate(?) caricature on the main page. Up his arse? Hmmmm. By that do you mean I'm brown-nosing him? Er...why would I do that...exactly? What the fuck do I gain? Do you think Harry gives a fuck about my opinion of him? Do you think he read my post and went 'Gee! Thanks PMD!!!'? You fucking narrow-minded asshole. Let me break it down for you, into simple words so you'll understand like. It pisses me off when ALL certain people do is criticise. But not just criticism. Criticism I welcome with open arms. I'd be the first to admit that some of Harry's reviews have been 'suspect' (I don't mean studio-influenced, I just mean how the hell could he like some of those movies?). But there is a fucking HUGE difference between criticising and insulting.I don't LOVE everything on the site. What I was trying to say was this. There is no need to be insulting, and thats what this 'criticism' often amounts to. When this site goes down, (as it did recently) people, including those who constantly tear Harry down, are at a loss. Shit! AICN is down! When I was going on about how much he puts into this, I meant what the fuck do we give him back? Does it cost us anything? We get it for free. We casually log in and read all these cool scoops and film news and all certain people can do is tear the man down. I mean all this in a general 'human' way. Harry is just an example. So, you fucking neanderthal cunt, fuck yourself for saying I'm up his arse. 'That was about as funny as eating shit' is not criticism. Its an insult. Plain and simple - and its a sign of an...undernourished brain-pan when someone resorts to cheap-shot digs at someone when they have neither the fucking intellect nor imagination to come up with something worthwhile. Fuck you very much.
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I have to agree with PMD. There are a lot of people that definitely go overboard when making comments in the Talk Back sections. No, you don't have to agree with everything Harry says. How boring would this site be if that were the case! The thing that gets irritating is that there are so many people who insult others (and Harry) when it's completely uncalled for. I can't help but picture some fifteen-year-old snot who has to try and make as big a fuss as he possibly can, and use lots of cussing just so he looks cool. Guess what? It's NOT cool. It makes you look stupid. Please, grow up and come back when you have something INTELLIGENT to say. That's what these forums are for. I hesitate to read these posts any more because of all the flaming that takes place. Please think before you post and don't ruin this for the rest of us.
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I have to pee.
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You'll all continue to come back, irrespective of what Big Red chooses to post. Some daily, some hourly. (I suspect sarin comes back every few minutes...)Myself happily included. Stop whining.
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Moriarty and his buddies can get the Mononoke trailer, but they sure didn't get the Dogma Trailer!! www.newsaskew.com
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Well now, I don't exactly go into paroxysms of laughter over this or many of the other 'humourous' stories posted at AICN, but I don't begrudge Harry and co. their fun. Harry's reviews have often been long rambling affairs (longer than many of my posts..) and part of the geek charm is that they are up for it. When you put up your own web site you make your own rules for what the content will be. There are no disclaimers on this site that say that AICN will consist solely of humourless reviews and film scoops. If Harry wants to put up a gif of his photocopied buttcheeks, that is his perogative (though I'd hope there would be some kind of public health warning thingy). Nor is anyone paying for this service. So it seems kinda pathetic to get whiney about the content, especially when you have tens of millions of other sites to go and visit if this site offends you. Come to think of it, in allowing this talkback Harry is letting those who visit his site partake of the same robust ebb and flow of ideas that make up the content he and others provide. Young Sarin feels free to post insults, critiques etc., and clearly comes back to check out responses and add more of his/her own. He/She has no regard for whether others feel his/her posts are a waste of their time. In fact he/she defends his/her right to post exactly what he/she wants. (he/she, his/her - aarrggh!) After all the rules of this Talkback are that there are no rules (people certainly say pretty much anything they want to). This is surely what Harry and other are doing in providing information, albeit their reviews, comments, jokes etc, are far more benign than what occurs here in Talkback. It seems hypocritical then, to ask Harry, the maintainer and founder of this site, to do any less than what he allows Talkback posters to do. No-one has to read anyone else's posts in Talkback, but they do - and I suspect there a more than a few who like the attention. Nonetheless, I certainly suspect - and I ain't no Sherlock Holmes! - that the AICN-Good-Guys are about to unleash a film script or, even a low-budget film upon the world. All this creative writing, mumble, mumble, mysterious future projects, mumble, mumble, what about an AICN film, mumble...Weeeell... As for Harry - I'm curious. If Harry has an email address for AICN (as you can gather by mousing over his name in the copyright) why is this different to his posts in Talkback (rodan@bga.com). Is Harry a closet multiple email person? Is Harry his real name? Is rodan an impersonator? Is there a conspiracy afoot? Now there's something for Moriarty to find out.
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What the fuck are you people doing wasting your time complaining "I don't like the schtick Blah Blah Blah"! You are all gonna come back tomorrow, and keep coming back every day until you see another post you don't like and then you'll go down to Talk Back and bitch and whine about it to make yourself feel like big shit. If you don't like the site, stop coming, I think Harry will manage without your hit per day. If you do like the site, why don't you show it by not bitching about every little thing you don't like. BTW, Anton Sirius, your post to sarin rufus was the kind of deliciously cynical stuff those bitches need to hear.
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It's someone's web-site. Harry came up with, made it popular and we came. The secret about this (new medja term coming up) being sticky is that we make the site our, OUR own. I had the chance of breaking a story to Harry, a big one, and I did. Only because I had gained so much from AICN before.
Those who moan remember it's not CNN it's AICN. Work it out and smell the cinemoid.
Take care and watch the roads,
Steelzo -
That guy posting as Harry, he's some asshole who's posting name is Harry Knowles. The listed e-mail for him is not even Harry's e-mail. That gives it away. You've been found out jabroni. Give up!! Your "scoop" on Minority Report is probably something you just made up. If you were Harry, why would you post this important info on the Talkback of all places. You are a true moron.
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OK that title has NOTHING to do with this post but:
Drew Barrymore has got to be one of the most god awful creatures I have ever layed eye's on. She sickens me to the very core of my being. If I saw a snail as ugly as her I would squish it for it's own good. -
I thought this little installment from the henchmen was kinda cute. It was something different, unexpected. Basically, if you don't like the long-ass stories, then scroll down, that's what I do. I may bitch, but I'll scroll.
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Though I'm not sure why you would want to be called that. Anyway. As others have pointed out, I'm not sure why people complain about the introductions, goofing, and all that irritating fun stuff. I mean...the scroll bar's there. Use it. And just so you don't get a distorted picture, I'll defend Drew Barrymore and say she's quite attractive and charming (since I know she stays up at night wondering what AICN Talkbackers think of her).
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Such is my opinion.
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First of all, I personally do not find any of the funny little stories on here amusing at all. So whats my remedy for that? I just skim through them till I find the actual news(although there is none at all in this one). Secondly, I am really really confused about this Minority Report thing. Moriarty says its cancelled all the time, yet I keep hearing casting rumors. Also, I heard some little blurb from some magazine or something that Spielberg said he was not thinking about that Kubrick job since he was too busy with Minority and Geisha Girl. Now theres some post by either Harry or an imposter saying the similar. WOULD YOU GUYS FUCKING STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT!!! Please do not have Moriarty explain the Minority Report situation as he goes on far too long with his stories, and well, I have no idea what he's ever talking about b/c he trails off.
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