I am – Hercules!!


A confused, woefully unfunny Frankenstein of a supernatural dramedy that crosses “Desperate Housewives” with “Charmed,” “Eastwick” was created by veteran TV writer Maggie Friedman (“Dawson’s Creek,” “Wasteland,” “Jack & Bobby,” “Related”), who adapts the same 1984 John Updike novel that spawned George Miller’s infinitely superior 1987 Jack Nicholson vehicle “The Witches of Eastwick.”

The new series stars Rebecca Romijn (“Ugly Betty”) as sculptress Roxanne, Jaime Ray Newman (“Eureka”) as nurse Kat and Lindsay Price (“Lipstick Jungle”) as newspaper reporter Joanna. (And you should see this newspaper; there must be magic in Eastwick if this idiot-run periodical is staying afloat.) All three actresses are indisputably gorgeous (or, at least, indisputably gorgeous outside an AICN talkback), but Romijn is not strong enough an actress to carry a leading – or even a co-leading – role.

The three witches discover hidden supernatural powers within themselves; powers cultivated by a rich and powerful visitor named Daryl Van Horne.

The Nicholson role is inherited by middle-aged and charisma-challenged Canadian TV actor Paul Gross. I’d initially guessed the show shoots in Vancouver or Toronto and he was hired for some sort of tax benefit, but then I read the pilot was shot on “Gilmore Girls’” Stars Hollow set on the Burbank Warner Bros. lot.

The witches tend to take odd actions without a lot of motivation, but I suppose one could blame the magic in air for that much. Harder to forgive is all the wretched dialogue. The scenes intended to show the girls bonding over stories and alcohol are the hardest to watch, but there’s plenty here to send a viewer glancing to the nearest timepiece.

USA Today says:

… feels recycled and flat on every level. …

The New York Daily News says:

… never comes to life. It doesn't feel clever, wicked or, in the end, very interesting. … The writing is uneven, so is the tone, and all put together, it's just not very engaging.

The Los Angeles Times says:

… If tonight's opener is not particularly nuanced or subtle -- everyone's character and dilemma is written poster-size, and explained for good measure -- it's still less of a cartoon than the big-name, big-hair, big-screen version …

The Chicago Tribune says:

… Given that the central conceit of the show revolves around what happens when wishes come true, "Eastwick" needs a little more magic -- and a lot more creativity -- before viewers will succumb to its spell.

The Chicago Sun-Times says:

… Really? In the 22 years since the movie came out, women still haven't figured out that they can leave their boorish husbands, or that they deserve equal treatment at work? Wait, it gets worse. When these three finally come together and find strength in friendship, what do they wish for? A man, of course. Presumably to show them the way.

The Washington Post says:

… the dramatis personae tend to wander about a lame, uncertain void in which the funny thrills and the scary thrills bumblingly clunk heads -- the script is not terribly clear about which is which. "Eastwick" has already been christened "Desperate Witches" for its resemblance to ABC's facetious murder mystery "Desperate Housewives," which has been running on fumes for quite some time. "Eastwick" would appear to have, at best, a far more limited appeal. …

The San Francisco Chronicle says:

… Into all of this potential mediocrity (fully realized, by the way), comes the masterstroke of casting the phenomenal Paul Gross (one of the most famous actors in Canada and central cog of "Slings and Arrows," a greatly underappreciated work of television), as the devil. What is he doing south of the border in this trite but inoffensive slice of femme-powered mysticism? Who knows, but he almost saves it.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:

… fails to cast a spell. … Gross is a talented actor, but it's difficult to take him seriously as a great lover with what appears to be a dead badger atop his head. Even a joke about his hair can't make it right, and it ruins the character's credibility from the moment he's introduced. … the "Eastwick" characters are fairly generic types who are too bland and predictable to be involving. Beyond the general inertness of the pilot, casting blunders only make matters worse. Rather than go hocus-pocus, "Eastwick" is mostly hokum.

The Newark Star Ledger says:

… seems like a WB show circa 2002 - not one of the good ones, but a copy of a copy of a copy of one of the good ones. And where I might check back in on "Mercy" in a month or two (assuming it's still on) just because I like some of the actors and want to see if they're being used better, there's nothing here that interests me enough for a return visit.…

The Boston Herald says:

There’s not a lot of magic in ABC’s “Eastwick.” … has all the markings of being an early casualty of the season. Maybe if producers threw in a vampire, more people would watch.

The Boston Globe says:

… “Desperate Housewives’’ is frustrating because it can’t seem to decide what it is: murder mystery, silly farce, or realistic look at domestic woes. “Eastwick’’ is allegory and knows it, so it can be plausibly silly and over-the-top, and hint at real issues - women in the workplace, gender politics at home - without trying too hard. Or maybe it’s just that small New England towns are more naturally dark and intriguing than anywhere-America suburban streets. I’ll take witch hazel over wisteria any day. …

Variety says:

… At the very least, the pilot represents a polished product that neatly introduces an array of characters and establishes "Eastwick" as a project with no small measure of potential. As for how well that's realized, as they say, the devil is in the details.

The Hollywood Reporter says:

… shows promise, if not actual wizardry, at this stage. But with fewer attempts at humor concerning body parts/bodily fluid and a few more pointed zingers on the nature of evil and the lure of the forbidden, it could turn into a truly potent potion. …

10 p.m. Wednesday. ABC.

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