I am – Hercules!!


The fist three minutes of tonight’s all-star-free yet hugely entertaining and exciting premiere of “Survivor: Samoa”:

* The be-mulleted ex-marine will the mullet calls herself “Shambo.”

* “Shambo” has no love for John, the twentysomething rocket scientist.

* The contestants vote in writing via secret ballot, but they don’t know anybody’s name, so they wind up writing down stuff like “the guy with the very short haircut in the grey shirt.”

* There is a lesson somewhere in how some contestants get a ton of leader votes based on how they look and how other contestants got none. Lots of votes roll to the most physically striking contestants. It also seems to help if you’re tall, older and/or male.

* The first competition is a quest for fire!

* Each leader then immediately has to choose four tribemates, whom he or she believes to be:
1) the smartest
2) the strongest
3) the most agile
4) the best swimmer

* The leader of Foa Foa (the yellow tribe) picks Foa Foa’s black guy to be the best swimmer.

* Each tribe has its own Russell as this season starts.

* The short beefy bald guy is named Russell, just like the short beefy bald guy from “Big Brother.” And those promos claiming the short beefy bald Russell is the series' “most evil” contestant ever do not employ hyperbole. He’s not just a jerk. He’s grad-A distilled TV evil!

TVil!

The good news is Russell already rivals (and perhaps exceeds) Richard Hatch and Johnny “Fairplay” in terms of both deviousness and entertainment value. To say his dark ways dominate the opening episode is to way undersell them.

Spoilers regarding Russell lurk in the text invisible. Texas oilman Russell will claim, falsely, to his tribemates that his is a New Orleans resident, a Katrina victim and a fireman. He even invents a German shepherd he claims died in the flood! He endlessly and roundly disparages his alliance members behind their backs! -- But wait, it’s gets better! He secretly empties his tribemates’ canteens and burns their socks while they sleep in an effort to weaken them!! (Russell will privately tell “Survivor” cameras that he’s a multimillionaire who’s just in the game to show how easy it can be won.)

CBS left the ending on its screener this time, and I can tell you the week’s evicted contestant looks close to tears as Jeff Probst extinguishes his or her torch.

They also left on the promo for next week. It looks like Probst has to eject somebody from a full-contact competition for unnecessary cruelty.

Need more reasons to watch? I offer again the female contestants, some posing hand-on-hip:

Find out what they all look like in swimsuits here.

8 p.m. Thursday. CBS.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (Blu-ray)!!
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (Blu-ray)!!
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country (Blu-ray)!!
Star Trek: First Contact (Blu-ray)!!