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WHITEOUT nearly causes Capone to black out from boredom!!!

Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here. All I could think when the final credits started rolling on this new murder mystery set in Antarctica was: "It took four people to write that piece of shit." No lie. Four people are actually credited with writing WHITEOUT, and my guess is that several uncredited others had a hand in this long-delayed Kate Beckinsale vehicle that is most certainly not a companion to piece to the brilliant SNOW ANGELS, also starring Beckinsale. Instead, what we're left with is a busted-up duh-fest that is meant to keep us guessing as to who the killer or killers are (don't want to give away that gem of a surprise), when there are only two or three possible choices in the cast. The fact that the killer's face is covered up automatically means that it's a face we're going to recognize going around hacking up unsuspecting geologists who find a long-buried Russian plane carrying a mystery cargo that everyone seems to want. Beckinsale plays U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko, who had a terrible assignment stateside and is essentially attempting to waylay her guilt by taking the worst law-enforcement gig on the planet. Her best friend is an aging doctor (Tom Skerrit), who has decided after working in the deep freeze for a double-digit number of years, it's time to hang up the stethoscope and cold medicine. As the ice station is about to shut down for six months of darkness, Carrie is called out to investigate a possible body on the ice, which appears to have been tossed out of a plane. The clock is ticking to beat a incoming mega-storm that will essentially trap anyone still left on the continent for six months, so the Marshall and the doctor attempt to find out what or who killed this mystery geologist, who was supposed to be looking for meteor fragments. As the investigation deepens, the body count gets higher and the list of suspects narrows. Enter onto the scene a U.N. investigator (Gabriel Macht from THE SPIRIT) who is attempting to keep the murders (the first in Antarctica's history) from becoming an international incident. There's nothing particularly clever or memorable about either the killings or the solving of the crimes featured in WHITEOUT. The dialogue seems intentionally dumbed down, with characters repeatedly stating what are the plainest and most obvious facts. Beckinsale looks at a map where the geologists have been searching for their meteors. "Here's their map," someone astutely points out. "They've mapped out their route in a grid pattern," says someone looking at a map with a giant grid upon it. "Looks like they stopped in Section 104," says Beckinsale looking at giant X's drawn through Sections 100-103." I'm sensing a drinking game in the making, except this movie isn't nearly inspired enough in its duh quality to justify multiple viewings. Director Dominic Sena has a long and proud history of making films that are almost good, but never quite get there. I was a fan of his early effort KALIFORNIA, but he lost me with his GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS remake and SWORDFISH. His upcoming SEASON OF THE WITCH (scheduled for March 2010) with Nicolas Cage doesn't inspire much hope in me either. And while there are two or three interesting chase scenes set on tethered ropes that lead from building to building during a blizzard, and a really nasty sequence involving Beckinsale getting frostbite, there is very little I could recommend about WHITEOUT with a clear conscience. In fact, I'd go so far as to say this movie is insulting to dumb people. I spent most of my time watching this lame-brained film shaking my head in disbelief, and looking at my watch wondering if I needed a new battery because the hands seemed to be going so slow. If it's been too long since you've suffered unbearable agony while watching a movie that bombards you with flagrant lapses in logic and a disregard for any kind of intelligent storytelling, consider yourself warned. Don't let movies like WHITEOUT or GAMER or ALL ABOUT STEVE (to name the most recent three offenders) crush your soul or lower your standards. End of rant. -- Capone Follow Me On Twitter

Readers Talkback
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  • Sept. 11, 2009, 2:57 p.m. CST

    Soooo disappointed

    by HarryCalder

    Kate B. is so hot, the trailers looked good... bummed, majorly...

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Hopefully this doesn't cause that interview to go away

    by Series7

    I want to read that later.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:04 p.m. CST


    by Series7

    Alright, now cover her with heavy jackets, make her wear the hood and put goggles on her face! I SMELL BOX OFFICE GOLD!!!!

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:06 p.m. CST

    Awww shucks

    by 5 by 5

    I was so looking forward to gazing at lots of snow and stuff. Ok, not really I wasn't intrigued by this film from the get-go. Thanks for the heads up.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:06 p.m. CST

    YEAH but the Pandorum trailer

    by Series7

    Looks like every other trailer for this that you've ever seen. Fuck you critics. I don't know who started it, but every critic I hear talking about Pandorum has said the same damn thing. I guess they live in a world where their are just too many sci-fi thrillers set in space.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:07 p.m. CST


    by Series7

    They made a sequel to the Queen, I hope they put Robots in this time.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:08 p.m. CST

    Tom Skerrit

    by Series7


  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:09 p.m. CST

    This movie should have been on Lifetime.

    by lockesbrokenleg

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:12 p.m. CST

    Gamer has one of the most retarded setups of recent times

    by bbbbeeeennnn

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:12 p.m. CST

    Oh, Kate Beckinsale...please be more nude.

    by FlickaPoo

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:14 p.m. CST

    Yeah because of all those reviews of Gamer

    by Series7

    We got.....ohh what's that? OHHH you were two busy perfecting that Post Grad review (2 of them) we all needed desperately.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:17 p.m. CST

    I Heard You See Her Butt At The Beginning

    by Crow3711

    I wish I still worked at the movie theater. I would watch the shit out of those first 5 minutes every showing. I don't know if it's undies or bare ass, but I don't care. Her legs are incredible.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:20 p.m. CST

    What a waste of hot ass.

    by MacReady452

    Kate Beckinsale's agent should be fired. Waste after waste. She is better than that.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:20 p.m. CST

    Who are the ad wizards...

    by wampa 1

    ...that came up with this one?

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:35 p.m. CST

    I wanna pound Beckinsale from behind!

    by Drsambeckett1984

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:37 p.m. CST

    Wow, some of you need to get out and find a girlfriend.

    by lockesbrokenleg

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:39 p.m. CST

    Wow, that is a history...

    by Red Ned Lynch

    ...of making nearly good movies. Kalifornia being the almost goodest of the bunch, sunk only by David Douchbaggy and the central contrivance of a guy writing a book about serial murderers just randomly ending up carpooling with them. Best part Michelle Forbes ever had, though. And it was the first time I found myself actually impressed by Brad Pitt.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:46 p.m. CST

    Is the comic book any good?

    by Squashua

    I never read WHITEOUT by Greg Rucka, the comic on which this movie is based.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 3:54 p.m. CST


    by MegaBeth

    GI Joe was good? Niggah pullezze! I guess White Out didn't grease the palms of the staff of AIC News?

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 4:01 p.m. CST

    Seeing as the trailer almost made me want to kill myself...

    by Gods_Uncle_Bob

    ...this is no great surprise.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 4:06 p.m. CST

    My my, a lot of talkbackers here.

    by Odog

    Not a very popular film, or maybe most of you saw it and killed yourselves.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 4:19 p.m. CST

    Sorority Row was pretty enjoyable

    by SoylentMean

    for what it was. I had fun with it.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 4:20 p.m. CST

    I was hoping for a Vertical Limit type surprise

    by SoylentMean

    doesn't sound like that's what this movie is. Oh well.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 4:21 p.m. CST


    by Odog

    not sure how legit this is especially coming from The Daily Mail but... "Kate Beckinsale is demanding a body double for her latest film Whiteout because she “loathes” her derriere, Britain’s Daily Mail reports." Producers reportedly have to shell out big bucks for a $2,000-a-day nude stand-in for Beckinsale’s shower scene in the thriller after she refused to bare her thighs and booty on-camera. An on-set source says:

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 5:05 p.m. CST

    US Marshals investigated what !!!

    by nate7377

    Wow, Obama must've expanded their jurisdiction. Last I checked Marshals don't do murder investigations. No matter where is happens. Maybe after reading the script, the FBI said "HELL NAW, we want nothing to do with this POS". Come on, at least get that right. Giving my profession and bad name.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 6:09 p.m. CST

    'Sorority Row'...

    by cheyne_stoking_DMS

    When I first saw the trailer for that before 'Basterds' I was like "seriously?" I thought they did away with those teeny "horror" movies when the 'Scream' thing ended.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 6:27 p.m. CST

    Just got back from Whiteout

    by MattmanReturns

    Very mediocre. The setting has very little to do with the plot. It's just a slasher movie, and not even a good one at that. Only good scene is when Kate stripped to her undies and stuck her ridiculously fine ass in the camera.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 6:47 p.m. CST

    Foiled Again!

    by Crow3711

    Oh well. It's not like I was actually going to see it anyway.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 6:53 p.m. CST

    I like isolation-based movies...

    by Forsakyn

    But I'm not seeing this based on the reviews. I don't even think I'll bother to rent it on video later, either.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 6:58 p.m. CST

    Tom Skerrit isn't the killer

    by ebolamonkey

    If the movie follows the comic, which was a decent story with a good protagonist. But I hear the movie mixed the two graphic novels (first one had to do with gold, the second nukes), so who knows what else changed. Carrie Stetko is definitely NOT Kate Beckinsale, more of a Thora Birch (short dark hair version) with freckles.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 7:03 p.m. CST

    Yes, Squashua, the comic IS good.

    by Johnny Ahab

    I really liked the graphic novel. It's noir set in the Antarctic, and the stark black/white art really works. (And I think it put Greg Rucka on the map as a comix writer, although I could be wrong about that.) And as hot as KB is to look at, she's kind of a bland actress. Carrie in the comic is much grittier. Too bad though - I was looking forward to seeing a movie adaptation of this, but I think I'll wait till I can get it on Netflix.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 7:28 p.m. CST

    Thought this was from Dan Brown's "Deception Point"

    by avgary

    From the TV ads, it looked similar but since they didn't use Dan Brown's (DaVinci Code) name, I knew it could not have been. Too bad. Quick read and typical thriller but would make a good thriller for a Beckinsale-type female.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 7:41 p.m. CST

    A shame, because I liked the comic, too

    by saint6

    and was looking forward to the film. But with these reviews, even 90 minutes of Kate isn't going to get me to spend my hard earned dollars.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 8:03 p.m. CST

    Reminded me of Deception point too!

    by andrew coleman

    But no. Thought this could be a clasic thriller but ended up being a dud.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 8:31 p.m. CST

    "Snow Angels" Sucked

    by the_first_rule_of_fight_club

    i'm just saying if capone thought that piece of shit was brilliant, then, really, how reliable can his, um, discerning skills be? still, "whiteout" wasn't screened for critics and, when they paid to see it, they gave it a 33 on metacritic. that really doesn't tell me anything. i have yet to see critics like a film that wasn't pre-screened for them. bottom line: this doesn't look like a masterpiece but i'm sure it's a whole lot better than crap like "i love you, man", "observe and report", "g. i. joe" and other fecal matter that this site has creamed its jeans about.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 8:49 p.m. CST

    I don't understand how movies that bad can get written

    by felwithe

    They could pick any writing student out of any college in the country and have a 90% chance that what they got would be better. <p> And it would be FREE! College students will do anything basically for free! I just don't get it. Thre are an infinite number of ways to make a story at least mildly interesting. The sheer amount of movies that don't makes my brain hurt.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 9:36 p.m. CST

    Bobby Lee is in this

    by whiskey_dick

    Has to be great if they got MADtv level talent involved.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 9:44 p.m. CST


    by THEDARKKNIGHTDETECTIVE spent too much time in the G-bar? lol PS Capone there is only 1 L in US Marshal

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 9:44 p.m. CST

    nate7377 & Capone

    by THEDARKKNIGHTDETECTIVE spent too much time in the G-bar? lol PS Capone there is only 1 L in US Marshal

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 9:45 p.m. CST

    Sorry about the double post!!!!


  • Sept. 11, 2009, 10:06 p.m. CST

    I totally agree

    by bandus

    I just saw Whitpout and it hurt my brain. I was figuring that it wouldn't be that bad but iwas wrong.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 10:22 p.m. CST

    It seems that the movie is bad. However . . .

    by kabong

    I need to know if it's Kate or a butt double. <P> Has anyone ASSessed it for sure? <P> See what I did, putting the ASS in caps? Is that more clever than anything in the movie?

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 11:31 p.m. CST


    by John Maddening

    The comic is indeed really good, as is its sequel, "Whiteout: Melt", which itself is a prequel to Rucka's awesome "Queen & Country" series.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 11:46 p.m. CST

    Capone you know you loved that sausage fest.....

    by Meadowe the beginning right before Kate's shower scene. Just trying to look hetero by slamming an otherwise coo' movie imo. I just saw it, I was pleasantly surprised they had the balls to do what they did to Kate's character like what happened in the book. People see this movie and make it #1 and more of a chance for Kate to be Catwoman in Nolan's batverse, or we're gonna get another final destination.

  • Sept. 11, 2009, 11:49 p.m. CST

    Beckinsale must be a total bitch.

    by thedarklinglord

    Seems she almost exclusively gets cast in colossal shitfests, which would suggest nobody really wants to work with her. That, or she needs to fire her agent. I mean, she's hardly a talented actress, but surely she's capable of more than she's been given.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 12:25 a.m. CST


    by uberman

    Old scientist keeping russian cargo hidden from world for some reason or other. Am I right?

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 12:27 a.m. CST


    by uberman

    Big all CGI snow and shit. It looked like a video game. Are the Cohens the only ones who are smart enough to film a story set in the winter FILMED in the winter? Fuck, CGI is shit.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 12:30 a.m. CST

    It was OK

    by thot

    Not as bad as this review leads one to believe. Sure, it's pretty much by-the-book and rehashed from many other better movies of the same genre, but it was an alright use of about two hrs of my life. The underwear scene, though undeniably amazing, was pathetically gratuitous and cheesy. I'm surprise Kate did it. Probably should have gone straight to DVD.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 12:42 a.m. CST


    by lockesbrokenleg

    Let's cover her up in giant baggy furry clothes! YEAH GOOD IDEA!!!

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:10 a.m. CST

    HEY! We got lockesbrokenleg

    by Series7

    Lets watch him steal my joke.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:17 a.m. CST

    As cold as the setting is

    by Melvin_Pelvis

    guess she don't get neekid<p> so like no reason to see this

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:32 a.m. CST

    The comic was boring as fuck too.

    by BiggusDickus

    Sorry fanboys, but there it is...

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 10:19 a.m. CST


    by nate7377

    I am aware of that. FBI would be called in for murder investigations. Marshals will not and cannot investigate. Jurisdiction is not investigating murder. I never said they didn't have a presence there.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Comic sucked, except for the lesbian part...

    by anonymoose

    ...which they took out of the movie. The studio pussied out on having a female love interest opposite Stetko.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:16 p.m. CST

    About as edgy as Knight Rider

    by lockesbrokenleg

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:20 p.m. CST

    I agree with Capone about Dominic Sena

    by AsimovLives

    He started pretty strong with Kalifornia and then... what the fuck happened? What is this guy's story? Drug or some shit like that? How can promising talent disapears from a director?

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:39 p.m. CST

    Another Hollywood snow thriller movie fiasco

    by AsimovLives

    Is it that hard to amke a good movie set in artic/antartic enviroments? I'm reminded of that other Hollywood snow thriller/horror fiasco 30 Days Of Night.<br><br>What0s the problem with Holywood filmmakers they can't make a decent movies set in the artic or antartic? They even have precedent to be inspired, like the Howard Hawks and John Carpenter's The Thing movies. Hell, Wernzer Herzog went to Antarctica with a HD video camera, his cinematographer friend and a DAT sound recorder, interviewed a bunch of people and shot a lot of nature, and came out with a masterpiece.<br><br>So what the fuck is the problem with this Hollywood people? This is disapointing, Whiteout had such potential. The landscape alone would offer half the drama and suspense.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:52 p.m. CST

    "Whiteout makes you passout"

    by AsimovLives

    I can already see the critics came up with such pun tiles for their reviews.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:52 p.m. CST

    Whiteout: Strike Out

    by AsimovLives

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 2:54 p.m. CST

    They got one Snow scene pic right-Abrams Trek!!

    by Sal_Bando

    The snow planet w/ Scotty, the Cloverfield monster and that Wampa thing? it was great!

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 4:12 p.m. CST

    Abram's Shit more like it

    by AsimovLives

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 4:30 p.m. CST

    It made less than two mill BO last night

    by kabong

    It's back to Jane Austen for Kate Beckinsale.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 5:17 p.m. CST

    Deception Point Would Make An Awesome Movie

    by Drsambeckett1984

    It really would, simple as is.

  • Sept. 12, 2009, 7:49 p.m. CST

    How about filming a movie in the arctic?

    by BigTuna

    None of this Winnipeg and Quebec filming bullshit. Not once in 30 days of night did I think they were in the Arctic. Hell, you could see the fake CGI breath from the actors.

  • Sept. 13, 2009, 3:12 p.m. CST


    by Antz

    This is what the guys at the actual South Pole Station made this winter after they saw the trailer...

  • Sept. 13, 2009, 3:29 p.m. CST

    by Antz

  • Sept. 14, 2009, 1:15 a.m. CST

    All Kate Beckinsale movies suck.

    by hallmitchell

    Why? Because she's like the tenth actress on a list. Cameron doesn't want it - check etc. So by the time Kate gets the script you know about another ten people have said no to this.

  • Sept. 14, 2009, 1:17 a.m. CST

    Can anyone remember the last hit film set in the arctic?

    by hallmitchell

    Even the Thing flopped. As unjust as that is.

  • Sept. 14, 2009, 2:49 p.m. CST

    Dude, the Arctic is the other end of the planet

    by Antz