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WHITEOUT nearly causes Capone to black out from boredom!!!

Published at: Sept. 11, 2009, 2:55 p.m. CST

Hey everyone. Capone in Chicago here. All I could think when the final credits started rolling on this new murder mystery set in Antarctica was: "It took four people to write that piece of shit." No lie. Four people are actually credited with writing WHITEOUT, and my guess is that several uncredited others had a hand in this long-delayed Kate Beckinsale vehicle that is most certainly not a companion to piece to the brilliant SNOW ANGELS, also starring Beckinsale. Instead, what we're left with is a busted-up duh-fest that is meant to keep us guessing as to who the killer or killers are (don't want to give away that gem of a surprise), when there are only two or three possible choices in the cast. The fact that the killer's face is covered up automatically means that it's a face we're going to recognize going around hacking up unsuspecting geologists who find a long-buried Russian plane carrying a mystery cargo that everyone seems to want. Beckinsale plays U.S. Marshall Carrie Stetko, who had a terrible assignment stateside and is essentially attempting to waylay her guilt by taking the worst law-enforcement gig on the planet. Her best friend is an aging doctor (Tom Skerrit), who has decided after working in the deep freeze for a double-digit number of years, it's time to hang up the stethoscope and cold medicine. As the ice station is about to shut down for six months of darkness, Carrie is called out to investigate a possible body on the ice, which appears to have been tossed out of a plane. The clock is ticking to beat a incoming mega-storm that will essentially trap anyone still left on the continent for six months, so the Marshall and the doctor attempt to find out what or who killed this mystery geologist, who was supposed to be looking for meteor fragments. As the investigation deepens, the body count gets higher and the list of suspects narrows. Enter onto the scene a U.N. investigator (Gabriel Macht from THE SPIRIT) who is attempting to keep the murders (the first in Antarctica's history) from becoming an international incident. There's nothing particularly clever or memorable about either the killings or the solving of the crimes featured in WHITEOUT. The dialogue seems intentionally dumbed down, with characters repeatedly stating what are the plainest and most obvious facts. Beckinsale looks at a map where the geologists have been searching for their meteors. "Here's their map," someone astutely points out. "They've mapped out their route in a grid pattern," says someone looking at a map with a giant grid upon it. "Looks like they stopped in Section 104," says Beckinsale looking at giant X's drawn through Sections 100-103." I'm sensing a drinking game in the making, except this movie isn't nearly inspired enough in its duh quality to justify multiple viewings. Director Dominic Sena has a long and proud history of making films that are almost good, but never quite get there. I was a fan of his early effort KALIFORNIA, but he lost me with his GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS remake and SWORDFISH. His upcoming SEASON OF THE WITCH (scheduled for March 2010) with Nicolas Cage doesn't inspire much hope in me either. And while there are two or three interesting chase scenes set on tethered ropes that lead from building to building during a blizzard, and a really nasty sequence involving Beckinsale getting frostbite, there is very little I could recommend about WHITEOUT with a clear conscience. In fact, I'd go so far as to say this movie is insulting to dumb people. I spent most of my time watching this lame-brained film shaking my head in disbelief, and looking at my watch wondering if I needed a new battery because the hands seemed to be going so slow. If it's been too long since you've suffered unbearable agony while watching a movie that bombards you with flagrant lapses in logic and a disregard for any kind of intelligent storytelling, consider yourself warned. Don't let movies like WHITEOUT or GAMER or ALL ABOUT STEVE (to name the most recent three offenders) crush your soul or lower your standards. End of rant. -- Capone capone@aintitcoolmail.com Follow Me On Twitter



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