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The CW’s VAMPIRE DIARIES!!
I am – Hercules!!
Even the “Twilight” fanatics will be leery of “The Vampire Diaries,” my pick for fall’s worst new series.
A drama about a high school girl who falls for a handsome 200-year-old bloodsucker, “The Vampire Diaries” is adapted by screenwriter Kevin Williamson (who earlier created The WB’s “Dawson’s Creek” and “Glory Days,” ABC’s “Wasteland,” and The CW’s “Hidden Palms”) from the 1991 young adult novels by L.J. Smith.
My suspicion is the CW execs know its snoozy, ridiculously predictable pilot is nigh unwatchable, just as they know their jobs may be forfeit if they don’t have a teen vampire series – any teen vampire series – on the air before “New Moon” hits cinemas.
A sample of the Williamson “wit” that litters the pilot: “I couldn’t stand another day of the ’90s,” one 200-year-old vampire tells another 200-year-old vampire. “That horrible grunge look did not suit you.”
A parting thought: The only vampire girl/human boy screen romance I can think of was in Kathryn Bigelow’s wonderful “Near Dark” (likely my favorite vampire movie ever), but even that may not count because I think the fellow was turned to vampire on the first date. You’d think just once someone might switch it up.
USA Today says:
… The books Vampire is based on predate both True Blood and Twilight, but you can't watch tonight's premiere without feeling tonal reverb from both, with every CW soap from Dawson's to One Tree Hill thrown in for good measure. The pieces are amusingly rearranged, but even the teen girls for whom the show is designed will recognize them as old, maybe even as old as the show's dueling blood brothers. …
Entertainment Weekly says:
… Fun stuff mixing blood with soap, Diaries signals a welcome return to form for writer-producer Kevin Williamson … ''I promised you an eternity of misery,'' Damon tells Stefan. And Diaries promises us a season of sharp-tongued amusement.
The New York Times says:
… There’s an engrossing moodiness to Mr. Williamson’s latest venture, but one he conveys without annulling the pact he long ago made with himself never to let his cheekiness go undetected. …
The Los Angeles Times says:
… Let the other franchises sniff with disdain at moldy old genre conventions, "The Vampire Diaries" stacks them up like corpses in a mausoleum and dances howling on the roof. … It may not be art, but it's as much fun as an ice-cream social in a cemetery, complete with the rustling chill of crows' wings overhead and the eerie outline of the campus cutie with strange vermilion eyes emerging from a sudden swirling mist.
The Washington Post says:
… Anemic and wimpy when compared with HBO's bloodlusty "True Blood," or even network TV's "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997-2003), "The Vampire Diaries" doesn't even have a heart through which a stake could mercifully be driven. CW's version details the dull, dull doings of the world's clammiest vamps, who may flash fangs and skulk around in dark cemeteries (ever see a bright one?) but who come up fatally flat in terms of mayhem and menace. Naturally there's a youthful, teenage angle to the skulduggery -- a bid to cash in on the "Twilight" phenom -- but the pacing is arthritic …
The Toronto Globe and Mail says:
… sadly predictable. … when the show tries to make you gasp by hurling projectiles at cars' windscreens not once but twice in the space of its first few minutes, you have to wonder how it is going to produce any chills beyond Episode 2. … reeks of old folks sitting around the boardroom table looking to program something to draw young ones. Not hard to analyze why the eroticized vampire might appeal to youth – at that age, the notion that sexual attraction is potentially dangerous rings very true – but every demographic deserves something better than boilerplate horror.
The San Francisco Chronicle says:
… in a word, awful, no matter your age or gender. … "Melrose Place" looks like "I, Claudius" compared with "Vampire Diaries," which plays out like a viral marketing campaign from overly worried Midwestern mothers about the influence of vampires on youth culture. Even if you love HBO's "True Blood" and "Twilight" is calling the younger ones, you will never want anything to do with vampires again after this series. Wait - not true. You will want all the extras who played vamps on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (which was great, by the way, and not to be blamed for this lackluster cousin) to return en masse to eat the cast of "Vampire Diaries," plus any remaining scripts. …
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:
… this is not smart teen TV along the lines of "My So-Called Life" or "Freaks and Geeks" -- but those satisfied by a supernatural soap should be sated. …
The Philadelphia Inquirer says:
… First with Melrose Place on Tuesday, now with The Vampire Diaries tonight at 8, the CW demonstrates a commitment to recycling that would be laudable if it were bagging bushels of bottles instead of inflicting warmed-over drivel on young TV viewers who deserve better. … Vampires are all the rage these days, but, on TV at least, HBO's True Blood has pretty much cornered the market on new-age, grown-up vamps. And nobody's ever going to match the youthful mythology and fun of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. …
The Boston Herald says:
… This is “True Blood” minus the gore, the suspense, memorable characters, dialogue and story. It just might be the show to bury the vampire craze. …
The Boston Globe says:
… definitely doesn’t have the script and style that made “Buffy the Vampire Slayer’’ stand above most supernatural series, nor does it have the cinematic vibrancy of “True Blood.’’ The pop allusions (to Carson Daly, Alfred Hitchcock) and the fog-machine-based production design are flat and unambitious. But “The Vampire Diaries’’ nonetheless satisfactorily opens up yet another TV world of heightened youth, where blood-sucking is a metaphor for a whole range of fears and desires. …
Variety says:
… slick but slight … unless you're a teenage girl, "Twilight" is vastly overrated, and based on that comparison, this series could honestly run on the slogan, "We suck less." …
The Hollywood Reporter says:
… Bottom Line: A little too much cheese for my blood. …
8 p.m. Thursday. The CW.
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Readers Talkback
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*Sarcasm*
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even members of it's target audience like herc doesn't buy this shit.
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...would you like it more? Let's be honest--given the other shows you talk about here, it's not like your measure of a TV series is a good barometer. (No offense intended--just being snarky.)
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Wasn't The Lost Boys about a bloke that got the hots for a vampire girl?
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as the series finale! It's been a while since the Winchesters massacred some vamps.
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Seriously...is this ALL authors/network execs can offer today in terms of supernatural chills?
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Hey man, we like, need it.
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...for whom the show is designed will recognize them as old<p>Sadly, they probably won't. These people are watching 90210 reboot and looking forward to Melrose Place reboot. As are some 'adults' such as Ausiello, lest we think it's just 13 year old girls.
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But those shows are too "old" for the teen girls to have been viewers. The similar vampire stuff is more recent for them to have seen it.<p>And please... enough with the vampires!! Especially the "sexy" kind. That's right, encourage women to fall in love with mysterious loners who are certain to injure them. Very empowering.
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Sept. 10, 2009, 7:45 a.m. CST
"Near Dark" : Generally, guys don't want to fuck dead chicks
by V'Shael
Teenage Girls on the other hand, are retarded. <p> A "bad" guy, even a dead one, gets their juices running. Fucking daddy issues, if you ask me.
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I thought that was a key plot point in the movie?
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CW could have invested the money in Supernatural season 5 for some more FX.
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Give me Bill Paxton any day. "It's not what's goin' on, it's what's comin' off. Your FACE. CLEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN off!"
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Maybe? Anyway, with a few Buffy and alot of True Blood comparisions going on & not in Diaries favor, I think I'll skip this. However, I did like the first season of the Creek. We'll see.
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What possible attraction would a human boy have to a female vampire?!?!<p> The whole subtext of this "vampire/human romance" craze is that girls mature earlier than boys do, so the sexually-mature girl looks at all the dorky boys around her and longs for a fantasy boy, all mature and groovy and shit, and looks like a page out of Tiger Beat.<p> Hence, the 200-year old teenage boy. He's so mature! He's so deep! He's so dreamy!<p> It simply doesn't work the other way around.<p> "I'm a 200 year old female vampire. I'm sick of men who actually know things about life, and stuff. What I really want is a teenaged boy who doesn't know his ass from his elbow, hthinks musical belching is high art, will jizz in his pants if I even look at him, and has an ever-so-endearing not-quite-cracked squeaky teenaged voice."<p> Yeah, that TOTALLY makes sense for a kick-ass narrative.<p> Basically Mary-Kay Letourneau as a vampire.<p> Who the hell is going to pay $10 to watch that?!<p> The only way it would work would be as a porno.
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1) Star wasn't a vampire. She was just a teenaged girl, and only a "half-vampire". In her eyes, Michael was just as "mature, deep and dreamy" as any vampire.<p> 2) Michael was lured to the cave for the expressed purpose of turning him into a vampire. For Herc's vision to be realized, the girl vampire has to fall in love with the human boy and NOT prey on him. You don't drain the blood of someone you love.<p> The "female-vampire-as-predator" thing is old hat. We're looking for "female-vampire-as-gooey-love-interest" here.
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I'd tap that.
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Wait a minute. Did the human detective in Kindred: The Embraced ever hook-up with the psycho/depressed female vampire?<p> Again, it probably shouldn't count because he wasn't a teenaged boy.<p> It all comes down to the female looking for a male to "save her". It takes a pretty tough-ass human to be a frikkin' vampire's knight in shining armour.
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You may have missed it. The hymen, it grows back.
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I believe the operant phrase was "He been bit but he ain't been bled." So not fully turned. <p> Perhaps the human-boy/vamp-girl angle isn't in the length of time, but the initial attraction, as teen boys & girls stay in relationships different times after they get what they want. <p>We could include Spike & Drusilla in this. Dru liked William as a human for a little while before she turned him. Of course, Dru was batshit insane.
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turn it into a vampire metaphor.
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As wintocha67 mentioned above, minxy vamp Jessica is involved with human mama's boy Hoyt, but every time they have sex, Jessica's hymen soon grows back because she was a virgin before she was turned.
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Why can't they be 300 years old? or 50? <p>Herc's example of Williamson's "wit", reminds me of Angel's first episode, when he slips up by saying "I was there during the Depression", then quickly tries to cover by saying "..my depression, I was depressed when I was there". Now that was funny.
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...which explains why the girl vamp is almost always portrayed as a predator.<p> The archtypical female vampire is punishing the boy for being so flippant with girls' hearts by turning him into a vampire.
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Is this Jessica character using sex to control this Hoyt character? Like, does he serve as her personal human errand boy, picking up her dry cleaning during daylight hours and stuff like that?<p> That's the only reason I can imagine for a female vampire character to be in a sexual relationship with a human boy. After all, if she was interested in him for the long-term on a deeper level, she'd just make him a vampire so they could be together forever.<p> Unless . . .<p> Maybe male vampires can't get erections?
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Maybe someone will adapt Blood Sucking Fiends by Chris Moore..... that had a vamp chick and human guy. pretty funny too
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The BBC show, being not only their best offering since Jekyll, is probably the best use of vampires on tv (or film) since Buffy (and the best use of the supernatural as metaphor). And vampires are only part of the mix. Amazing characters, funny and poignant, and great drama. All this Twilight crap just pales so badly in comparison.
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Not the series one, the movie one. Mortal detective with a vampire girlfriend. That was a reversal, no? I think the vampire guy with teenage girl schtick is a result of crusty television executives (who are already bloodsuckers) who fantasize about being with young girls. And before you say, Whedon did it, not only did he present the Buffy/Angel relationship as a parody of that (sometimes), he ultimately ended their relationship, not on a tragedy, but on a simple breakup over a relocation.
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Sept. 10, 2009, 10:42 a.m. CST
Good to see Entertainment Weekly protecting its parent WB
by YackBacker
Come would call it a betrayal of journalistic integrity, I call it sticking up for your dad.
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Plus, she was a virgin that came from a repressive family before being turned, so Hoyt is her first real boyfriend. <p>And we have just about two seasons worth of Anna Paquin sex scenes that show male vampires are apparently capable of erections.</p>
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Sept. 10, 2009, 11 a.m. CST
SpyGuy: Ok, I can sort of picture it, but I'm still skeptical...
by Royston Lodge
She's the same age in human years? Not, like, "the same age" in that she was turned when she was his age, but she's actually really old in real terms?<p> How did she become a vampire? Why didn't the vampire who created her want to keep her? Why aren't all the dude vampires interested in making her their "special lady"?<p> It still strikes me as counter to the internal logic of vampire mythology.<p> It's all about the power relationship. Vampires have power. Humans don't. Ergo, the human is inevitably the vampire's plaything, regardless of how the vampire actually feels about them.<p> Now, a dude vampire gets all gooey for a female human cuz she's all innocent and virginal and shit. He can't turn her into a vampire because she'd lose the very innocence that makes her so attractive.<p> So, we get this Jessica character, who apparently has kept her innocent vibe even though she's a vampire. She should be like fuckin' catnip for the male vampires! They should be competing like mad for her affections (or holding her down and doing unspeakable things to her perpetually-virginal body).<p> Unless she's, like, fat and ugly or something.<p> Regardless, emotionally she wouldn't be an "innocent girl" for very long after the boys get through with her.
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the girls have daddy issues so they date older men, the older men can't get rid of their annoying old mothers. it's the circle of life.
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And they get infinitly better as they get away from Sookie Fucking A Dead Guy, and go deep into the supernatural intrigue. It's pretty sadistic what the author puts the poor girl through in the later books, it's becoming a returning joke how she ends up beaten half to death by the end of every "adventure". That girl can take a punch-fang-claw in the face and it's hilarious. So glad it gets recognition thanks to True Blood, next to it's ridicolous toned down knockoff Twiligh.
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after they axed reaper, it left nothing on cw i watch, nor care to watch. <p/> CW appears to aim most of its programming to 12 year old girls though. Lifetime lite.
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She's actually way younger than her boyfriend, like, in human years. I believe she's a teenager (17 if I remember correctly) and he's in his upper 20's. Her maker was forced to turn her and she is "his" but it's more like a father/daughter thing with them. Watch True Blood, it's awesome (especially the second season). The first season took some time to find its legs, but now it fires on all cylinders.
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Although not really a romance (or a good movie)
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Supernatural's the only reason to turn on the CW ever.
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For this pile of crap.
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Damn. I was going to be all over that shit!
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He made an entire career out of Scream, not a bad achievement I guess, but he hasn't done one damn thing since then that was worth commenting on, Dawson's included.
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Where's Wesley Snipes when we need him?
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Herc, take notice!
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he hates everything id say 25% of his reviews are positive
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And they're moving Smallville to die on Friday nights to promote THIS shit instead? HAHAHAHA...well, Smallville's not much better; I've rode Smallville out this far, so I kinda have to see it to it's end (this season, if there's any justice in the universe at all), but after the CW dumped Reaper without giving it any of the credit that GENIUS show was worth, they can piss off. After Smallville, it's boycott city for that whole network and I'm DVRing Smallville...
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I was thinking (way too much) about it over my two-beer lunch.<p> I could see it working within the internal vampire logic if you threw in a few massive magguffins.<p> If the elder vampire had some special reason for creating the younger vampire, and some sort of incentive for keeping the younger vampire's existence a secret from the rest of the vampires. So the younger vampire is "protected" from the realities of vampire life, and therefore can retain some semblance of humanity.<p> Like, say some elder female vampire meets a young girl and recognizes that she's some sort of mathematical genius, or something like that, but her socio-economic situation means she can't meet her full potential as a human, and all that genius will be wasted.<p> So the elder vampire turns the girl, realizing that she has to protect the virginal young thing lest the other vampires turn her into a communal sexual chewtoy.<p> So one day, the cute, gentle, not-murderous-at-all young vampire girl slips away from her gilded cage and hooks up with johnny-nice-guy-with-the-thick-glasses.<p> This of course pisses off the elder vampire because vampire-girl should be working on her math homework instead of wasting time with some human dork who is overly obsessed with how awful the Star Wars prequels turned out.<p> That's what I thought up over lunch, which sounds roughly similar with how they wrote it in True Blood.
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Innocent Blood had a female vampire/ male romance.
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. . . I just described "Say Anything: With Vampires!"
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True blood, twilight, 30 days of night, Circus, Anne Rice, and about 500 square feet of books at the book store all about vampires. Some don't have fangs, but most are cast as non-scary romantic superheroes now. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ Wake me when it's over.
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then u clearly havent watched Hank, The Middle, Brothers, The Forgotten, The Beautiful Life, or 3 Rivers have you?
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Sept. 10, 2009, 1:10 p.m. CST
OMG: Could you imagine the hell of that relationship . . .
by Royston Lodge
You're in your late 20s, dating a perpetual 17-year-old who can kill you in an instant with her pinky finger if you piss her off.<p> At first it's all lovey-duvey and shit. But her demands for affection are gonna start wearing thin as you get older.<p> But you'd better not let up on all the stuffed animals and cutesy sms animals, cuz this chick's got fangs, man.<p> "Sorry honey, I really had a hard day at work," ain't gonna cut it with this chick.<p> Plus, she can't cook, she refuses to clean, and you're the sole earner in the family because she can't go out in the daytime and at night the other vampires are hunting her.<p> Brrring brrring!<p> "Hello, Joe Blow's office."<p> "Hiii! It's meee! Just wanted to know if you miss meeeee!"<p> "Honey, I'm working. I've really gotta finish this report or I am fucked."<p> "FUCK YOU! I'M A VAMPIRE! I'LL RIP OFF YOUR BALLS AND SEW THEM TO THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH!!!"<p> "Uh, ok, yeah. Of course I miss you. I'm sorry I said that. I love you SOOO much, you know that, right?"<p> "Yay! Don't forget to pick up some ice cream, three pints of O-Negative, and a HUGE diamond ring on your way home from work! Or else, you know, snip snip, sew sew. Luv ya! Byeeeee!"<p> Sounds more like The Twilight Zone than Twilight.
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*LOL* You were overthinking it :) It's actually much simpler than that. In True Blood, vampire/vampire relationships don't last too long (not a new concept really... it was even in Interview with the Vampire). They tend to step on each other's toes (territorially speaking). So Jessica's "master" doesn't have to keep her a secret (and so he doesn't... in fact, it would have been difficult to considering the circumstances). Vampires seem to want human companions, male or female, whether for power or otherwise. <p> You can pick up the first season pretty cheap now, and watch the rest on streaming video that you can find all over the 'nets. I highly recommend watching it.
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The books, which I have read (I know fuck off) are very "oh swoon, here comes my boyfriend I will DIE if we can't be together" sob story shit-so actually if the reviews and Herc's opinion are true, they actually go along with the story line, except the main chick/love/everyone wants to bang is blonde
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*LOL* Sorry I was just thinking about the character Jessica saying all those things. I could totally picture it, and Hoyt's such a mama's boy he'd do all that with a smile on his face :)
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Sounds just like Twilight, but without the pregnancy. So, in other words, it sounds better than Twilight :)
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If all the perverted male vampires has access to an innocent-esqe perpetual-17-year-old-virgin whose hymen always grew back, they would keep her locked up in the basement of their frat-house-of-the-undead and pull train on her nightly.<p>Of course no ONE male vampire's gonna want a relationship with her. Instead, they'd just gang rape her in ways so humiliating that only vampires can imagine it, and each vampire-guy would toss her over to the next vampire-guy once they get bored.<p> Any young girl vampire like that would HAVE to be protected by some sort of parental figure, otherwise she'd live a hellish life of perpetual sexual servitude.<p> "But she's a vampire, so she can protect herself, right," I hear you say.<p> Not if they gang up on her. If the vampires in our little tale have human-style sexual appetites (as opposed to the Anne Rice style, where sex has been replaced by feeding), she'd need protection, end of story.
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<p>She is only 17 and was turned because the main vamp in the series killed another vamp to save his "human" girlfriend. And the rules state you can't kill other vampires. At least not without sanction.<p> <p>Also they don't want her around because she's an obnoxious little bitch. She's only 17 and wants to go and do shit that anyone over the age of 20 thinks is lame. And they all around 3 to 3,000 years old. So they made her stay with her maker who also wants nothing to do with her.<p> p>Because he's a self loathing vampire and he doesn't like kids. The dynamic is pretty funny. And yeah the girl would say all that shit to Hoyt. He is a pussy.<p> Oh and the vampires like to toy with humans because they forgot what its like to be human. some have gone quite mad indeed. But it's interesting that they keep people like pets.
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"If the Count from Sesame Street had a vampire diary, what would it say? "One! One entry in my diary! Ah ah ah!"
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I see no way that a group of sadistic horny vampires wouldn't see the novelty value of a perpetual-17-year-old-virgin. There's plenty of nasty ways for vampire perverts to shut her up.<p> No need to kill her, and if the rules also say you can't rape another vampire, then that proves my point about the necessity to protect her. She's protected by whoever enforces the rules. If the rule didn't exist, she'd be fucked.
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...unless they wrote into the scenario that, for some unexplained biological reason, vampires simply cannot get turned on by other vampires, no matter how young and virginal they are.<p> That would be a HUGE magguffin, right up there with the device that allows astronauts to smoke cigarettes in pure oxygen environments.
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see above
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Sept. 10, 2009, 3:11 p.m. CST
Join me in the 'Officially sick of vampires' club
by I_am_the_ultimate_product
Seriously, they've been done to death (heh)
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but I require that our charter include a waiver that excludes any future "Buffyverse" content.
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. . . I demand plausible internal logic. I'd love to see more stories from the Anne Rice mythos up on the screen, if they're done well (Queen of the Damned does not qualify).<p> The way Interview With The Vampire ends leaves the viewer BEGGING for more!<p> Plus, the way the vampires relate to each other and to humans in Anne Rice's mythos makes WAY MORE SENSE than any of these teen vampire romance stories.<p> If we can't have more Anne Rice movies, I'd settle for a reimagining of Kindred: The Embraced or Forever Knight.
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I had a mental image of Wesley Snipes wasting all the pretty boy vamps! Awesome!
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are thes sparkely, walk around in the daylight vamps?<p> Sadly happy vamps?<p> Angsty gothy vamps?<p> Or supposed to be scary traditional vamps?
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creepy
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To make room for this.
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i am soooo there
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Sept. 10, 2009, 4:29 p.m. CST
I'm not sick of vampires, I'm sick of teen emo vamps
by MattmanReturns
Vampires are great when done right. Lost Boys is still great. True Blood is the best show on television right now. I recently watched Interview With the Vampire and that was mostly good (the first half, specifically). These Twilight vampires aren't even vampires. They don't have fangs and they walk around in the day. That, by definition, is not a vampire. It's a pussification of a vampire.
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Where is Buffy when we really need her???
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With all respects to true blood..I would love to see Kindred as an hbo show..or showtime for that matter....
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Herc to go apeshit for it.
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Don't you read the news? it's their turn: http://tinyurl.com/5u6d85 <p> Zombies had their 8 years (and it was 8 years too many if you ask me)
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Sept. 10, 2009, 4:51 p.m. CST
Alan Ball is a talentless hack whose ridiculously sophmoric writ
by felwithe
whose ridiculously sophmoric writing somehow manages to trick some people into thinking that he's actually saying something, when he's not saying anything, never has. <p> He writes like a high school student, saying nothing and thinking it's deep.
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I'm just saying that's when vampires were vampires.
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u write something as beautifully real as Six Feet Under then, dickhead !!!!
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And I don't find True Blood particularly deep, I just find it very entertaining with fun characters that actually act like adults. Not everything needs some profound message. What the fuck are you looking for in the show? Shakespeare? It's pulp entertainment.
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and yeah..American Beauty sucked too, didn't it ? (rolls eyes)
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cliched and abused term on a talkback. I yawn every time I see it.
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The first film ain't perfect, but very rarely does the first film in a series get it spot on. On the actual subject, this show looks complete shite. Angel will always be the best vampire show!
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. . . I dunno if I like the pundits' "explanations" for the alleged phenomenon.<p> Zombies are about fear of the "mob". Vampires are about fear of the "elites". The pundit in the article claimed the vampires represent Wall Street, but why can't the elitist vampires represent the occupant of the White House and his supporters?<p> The pundit claims the zombies represent the "poor and disenfranchised" that Republicans fear, but why can't the zombies represent the "silent majority" who vote Republicans into office, much to the dismay of "elitist Democrat vampires"?<p> Pretty silly article, really.
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I kid! I kid! I kid, because I love.
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I've only seen season one, definitely improved after a few episodes. I'm kind of wondering....how does vampire/vampire sex compare to vampire/human sex? Is it better? They get to eat, I suppose. Has the issue of blood banks come up yet? That just seems like a more practical solution than True Blood because the vampires don't seem to be enjoying the taste that much. In Anne Rice's books the rule was that it had to come straight from the vein. And finally....do we ever get a vampire hunter of any kind? I always had tons of respect for the badass that takes it upon himself to bring these things down.
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I don't want to talk about anymore of this Sweet Valley High tarted up for the emo kids BS. I'd rather talk about Supernatural. Supernatural fans, let's make this the talk back for Season 5's premier
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Ultraviolet. Plus Supernatural starts tonight Hell yeah!
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Somebody better come talk to me or else I'll send Satan after you.
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Sept. 10, 2009, 6:48 p.m. CST
So if a vampire movie/show "sucks less," does it actually suck m
by themikejonas
You're making my head hurt. Screw all this--time to reread me some Bram Stoker.
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Sept. 10, 2009, 7:07 p.m. CST
Six Feet Under it even worse. Like it was written by someone's e
by felwithe
And American Beauty isn't much better. American Beauty was saved by an amazing cast, in star-making roles for some of them. The script was at best average, and at worst standard indie crap that somehow made it into a mainstream movie. <p> Six Feet Under, on the other hand, was so bad, so pointless, so painfully useless, I don't understand how anyone could like it unless they had some deep-seated need to ascribe awesomeness to it on their own (because the show itself was incapable of providing anything but high school writing class level tripe).
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The bigger this vampire fad gets, the sooner it will fade and we might finally be rid of the twilight series.
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It started well with Buffy and Blade but it slowly has changed into something else. True Blood is amazing but all this PG vampire shit is pissing me off. Twilight being the worst of it. Problem is smart people don't check these things out it is morons and teen girls. So fuck it. Just sad to see vampires getting ruined.
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Tons of voice overs. Didn't care for it in Twilight; even worse here. Both the girl & the vamp have a diary. It's completely fucking twee like bad fanfic.
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I'm just curious as to how these tweens see a pussified vampire (to quote mattmanreturns) something to drool over. Vampires are supposed to be scary, only come out at night, and be strong and fast as all hell. No emo, no 'I sparkle in the sunlight'. You know what else sparkles in sunlight? Fairies. And why the hell would a 200 year old vampire want to fuck with a 17 year old who's still in high-school? Can someone explain this to me? The only vampire that needs to be put on screen after this fiasco is Vampire Hunter D.
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Which is exactly what you'll feel you've been through after sitting through a full season of Vampire Diaries. (Zing! I should write for the trades.)
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See topic.
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The CW brought us Buffy and Angel which this new series is definitely not. So one must ask, what the hell? If they wanted a new Vampire series, why not hit up someone to pen a Spike series? Shit, they could have even made up new characters and just set it in the Buffy and Angel universe pulling some of those writes to head up the new series. Seems like a blockhead move not to go there.
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even though it prolly sucks... bad time to be a vampire fan.
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I'm a pretty forgiving reviewer. I try to find merit in whatever I see, but this was a complete waste of time. The peformances were limited to "mope" and "look cool", the dialogue unimaginative, the plot derivative (at best), all held together with the heaviest of heavy hands. If there was any doubt how lame this CW entry is, it was washed away when Supernatural rushed in on its heels to the sounds of Thunderstruck.
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THIS is the show that should have been "Talkback boycotted because we lost Angel and we're still pissed off" (and rightfully so, I'm just saying Kripke had vision and got lucky with crew: Supernatural is at least watchable and at best kick-ass). They moved Smallville for this? Where is the fabled Kevin Williamson wit and style? Never mind the numerous cliches and genre trappings - this show is BORING, which is a lot worse!
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I guess I've reached my limit of seeing posts about Big Brother, American Idol, Dollhouse and Heroes and nothing on Dexter or Supernatural to name a couple. He's had plenty of opportunities to make generic talkbacks to cover shows he doesn't cover but chooses to use this site solely to forward shows on his agenda and sell Amazon DVDs.
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Fortunately, it is easily fixed: ''I promised you a season of sharp-tongued amusement,'' Damon tells Stefan. And Diaries promises us an eternity of misery.
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he's in it for the t-shirts
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Like someone said earlier in this TB --- why must vampires always be 200 years old? And why is that fact about them in any way interesting if they're still hanging around high schools and acting like douchey, angsty 20 year olds? You've lived through two centuries of human history, you're a bloodsucking killer, and you're still fascinated by teenage bullshit? Even Anne Rice's child vampire Claudia matured mentally, even though her body stayed small. And yeah --- enough with the sparkly pretty boy vampires with the fitted shirts and tousled hair full of hairgel. Vampires are monsters. I miss the old school, Old World vamps. "Let the Right One In" got it as close as I've seen it in a long time.
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really<br> Why would a 200 yo being want to hang out with a zitty tween
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Seriously, did one of the winchester boy actors personally offend herc or something? It is beyond me that a show can be this fucking awesome yet herc simply cannot even acknowledge its existence. What the fuck is going on here... geeze... whatever herc's reason are, he is making it obvious he is acting out of some form of spite... maybe if this show gets big people will start saying its better than buffy/angel/firefly/dollhous/survivor/saturday night live/the office/big brother/dvd specials on amazon/classic rock/and sex.
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It's the best genre show on TV by a mile and gets zero coverage here.
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There is a guy who blew the right guy at the right time. Scream isn't even that good - Drew Barrymore's first fifteen minutes is what makes that movie. And granted it's better than the Twilight books (really what isn't), True Blood I think is better than the Sookie Stackhouse books.
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"Embrace the Blood" coming to Fox. "Vampire Sucka", starring cedric the entertainer, coming to comedy central. They really need to stop with the vampire shows.
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you are obviously entitled to your opinion, but try and give six feet under another shot. imho, it's one of the best series of all time. it's one of the most layered shows on television where each episode felt like a brilliant short film in a long series. as far as the writing being that of a high-school student's, i don't see it. the characters were fully realized people, the plot and pacing was always on point, and the dialogue was some of the smartest ever put on tv. not once did six feet under ever fall short, feel forced, or insult the audience's intelligence. in many respects, it's hbo's best series (and yes, i love the sopranos, but it ain't no six feet under). they quit while they were ahead and were better off for it. in fact, when i try to think of a better series finale than six feet under's, nothing comes to mind. no, this has nothing to do with my "deep-seated need to ascribe awesomeness" to anything, just my deep-seated need to appreciate great television.
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Sept. 11, 2009, 1:53 a.m. CST
and for anyone that unfortunately saw vamp. diaries tonight
by Juror Number 8
was that line that ian somerhalder said about not going along with fads supposed to be tongue-in-cheek? because if not, kevin williamson is an absolute idiot. oh yeah, it was dreadful btw.
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Figures. There was no jailbait in it so Herc doesn't care. Too bad you are living in such a denial, Herc. But hey, it's your pathetic life.
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I thought it felt like a Twilight Copy, but it was better than Twilight. I don't see how it will last, though. There's only so much plot you can do with it. Near Dark was always my favorite vampire movie. You can't beat that cast. But I always wished it had an alt ending where they survived and went on.
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It sure the fuck is now.
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...is the best vampire movie ever.<p> Sorry, ladies, no tweens or hunky, quasi-homosexual badboys, y'all can move along.
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Dr. Acula. <p> Some lines from Supernatural: <b>"Is that a molar in my hair? It's been a stressful day." <p>"Peanut butter?" <p>"I have a GED and a give-em-hell attitude." <p>I'm really looking forward Titus Welliver. Seems like casting him and Mark Pellegrino might be worth a mention on this site, but what the hell do I know?
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stinkin' vampires.
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Just hope he's not done with Lost.
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....sure he'd throw in a manuscript for an offscreen protagonist to speak from the grave, but this show won't commit to Aryian rape until the second season and it won't make it that long.
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I can't believe that you would even post this article about a shit show and Ellen DeGenitals going to Idol; but not even a blurb about the season premiere of Supernatural???? What the fuck dude!!
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I can't wait to get home from work today and watch it.
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seriously. this fat lesbo bitch GETS OFF on us complaining about not having a talkback for Supernatural. last time i talked shit about this bitch, she banned my name. Im sure its gonna happen again, and a new version of BJB will have to surface. but yea more on this bitch. its definitely not a guy, cuz guys dont act this bitchmade. only fat ugly 40 year republican women who live with 7 cats and stock up on ben and jerrys when its 2 for 6 at the local gluttony. This site is Herc's LIFE. she never had a man thru school cuz she was a fat hateful sloth of a bitch, decided to turn lez cuz the dudes wasnt coming around, and now she is just some confused box shaped dyke with folds of fat that havent seen soap and water since the Reagan administration. fuck this whore. we wont ever get supernatural as a talkback because that would feel too much like she was giving in, like she "lost" something. problem is, she lost a loooong time ago. on a whole tho, fuck this site too. its a got damn shame when the fat ginger bearded one lets the monkeys run EVERY THING, even if herc IS his wife. Oops. did I spill the truth? yea, the main man is married to a lesbo bitch. fuck it. BLACK JACK BAUER OUT.
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Dean and Sam were killing shit in the premier.fuckin awesome. knifing evil goon red shirts in the throat, scaring off that meg trick. daaamn bobby aint walking again. yea fucking right. probably for like 2 episodes. i dont know how i feel about Castiel being on the show full time this season. some weird shit if ya ask me. LOL@him murking two of his own tho! hahah how come we got demon goons and angel goons, i mean wtffff. speaking of which, the devil is jacob. jacob is the devil. kick ass. i wonder what locke would think of this shit. probably ramble on and on about walt and that fuckin dog with a smug look on his face until commercial break. LOL@ my nigga dean being the sword of the most gully motherfuckin angel ever made. and no michaelangleo was NOT not sissified blonde cracka. he was a green bad ass in a half shell, get it right bitches. i cant be the only one who laughed their ass off at the last scene, when dean told sam he was VERY VERY VERY UPSET with him, and then walked towards his car....stopped....then walked to it again. uh dude, u still gotta get in the car with him and drive somewhere. can you say aaaawkward?
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Rachel Minor was going to hang around as Meg for a while. She's all kinds of hot.
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over this. It's right up his alley: gay and lame.
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This series is not on the air due to someone's creative vision. It is not on the air because the big deskers at the CW wanted to do a supernatural show. This series is on the air because Twilight has made one zillion five hundred jillion dollars by marketing dreamy tweeny boys to a youn female demo that has a healthy amount of disposable income. James Marsters is over forty. Buffy/Angel are decade old projects with a fan base now mostly in their thirties. This horrible show is not only horrible in execution but was created and given the go ahead with no interest in anything other than grabbing a specific demo. Can art still get made this way? Yeah. Does it usually? No.
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Somebody really needs to punch Stephanie Meyers in the nose. Not me...just saying "SOMEBODY"...
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Vampire Medical Drama!<p> Vampire Legal Drama!<p> Vampire Manhattan Private School!<p> Vampire Procedural Police Show!<p> Vampire Sketch Comedy!<p> Vampire Ad Execs in the 1960s!<p>
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vampire who preys on fat loser 30 something Twifans. The Twifan chicks would think he was all cute and troubled, emo and misunderstood and then he would kill them and suck all the blood out of their obese bodies because he's a vampire and that is what vampires do.
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LOL! You the man!
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That's all True Blood is about. Oh, and about how stupid people who don't live on the coasts are.
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Resisting the urge to read you guys' SN comments... I've got it recorded and waiting for me at home, but I'm tied up at the office for a while. BlackJackBauer... that rant was beautiful man.
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FUUUUUUUCK SPOILER ALERT MAYBE. I'm not mad, or anything. And That shit sounds like the bomb. Fucking Dean and Sam are going out with a fucking Megaton Nuclear Bomb this season. This is how you end a series.
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far at least ten years.
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Which makes TVD the most-watched CW premiere. Ever. OMSTAIN! (One More Sign the Apocalypse Is Nigh)
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So where's the talkback for a decent show like.. um.. Supernatural? <p> I'm pretty sick of this vampire craze. I go browse for a book to read and all I find is vampire/werewolf paranormal romances. Blech! Are there that many women (of which i am that gender) who read this crap to justify all these paranormal series that cram the shelves? Oh, and when the fuck is my next Vince Flynn book coming out!
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. . . I'm thinking Vampire Bank Robbers!!!!<p> Everything, but everything, is better with vampires!!! ;-)
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And A&E is doing a show about it.
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How the hell did Vampire Diaries do so well? After Melrose 90210 did so bad, I figured VD would be even worse. Man, I really underestimated the number of emo teen girls. Turns out there's nearly five million of them.
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but I'm pretty pissed that this shit got a talkback, so I'm gonna order a few seasons and join you guys in the bitchfest.
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1960 Ad Execs by day, vampires at night<p>A father, dying of cancer, becomes a vampire so he won't die and makes meth to provide for his family.<p>A bunch of 20-something vampires live in an apartment complex on Melrose Ave<p>An elderly woman becomes a vampire and turns her mother and 2 friends; the four of them move in together and prey on residents of their retirement complex.
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A Mormon family in Salt Lake City has to juggle the twin controversies of being vampires AND practicing bigamists.<p> A pair of vampires from New Zealand move to New York City and try to make it in the music business.<p> America's Vampires' Got Talent!
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Honestly, you need to be told it's not sexy to have the girl penetrate the guy? Also, yeah, this show looks awful. Isn't the lead vampire guy the same guy who played the seductive werewolf boyfriend in a failed werewofl show like ten years ago? He's still playing teenagers? And Ian whatshisface from LOST is getting too old for these roles too. In another 5 years he's going to be like a less successful Mark Harmon. I feel bad for him, he keeps getting killed off from long running shows. If this show survives, it will only be because they kill him off. Otherwise, it'll bite the dust. Finally, I'm gonna say it, this makes me miss Moonlight.
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Contestants have to sing in front of four vampire judges. The one with the fewest votes is sucked dry. <p>A couple of vampires have to crossdress in order to get a good deal at an all-female apartment. <p> Teen vampires play for their high school football team. (I would call it 'Friday Night Bites!!!') <p>Nuerotic vampire writes for a comedy sketch show in NYC.
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SURVIVOR and BONES start up next Thursday. Let's see what the TVD ratings are like next week...
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Three lovable geek vampires fight their temptation to suck dry their somewhat hot in a weird way neighbor while commodifying fanboydom.
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Yeah, of course the ratings will sink next week with stiffer competition--but nothing was on when 90210 and Melrose Place premiered either, and they still got only half the ratings that Diaries got. Respect the power of emo teens.
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I just realized--why does herc give vampire diaries a chance (watching an episode) and giving it a talkback but refuse to take a look at another CW show which so many talkbacker love?
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werewolves = bushy = female?
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But only becouse I would watch that shit with anything. Hell, I watched it with STEVE MARTIN.
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Also just realized: Larry Gelbart passed away at 81. Goodbye, Farewell, Amen.
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Couldn't believe how bad considering Kristen gave it a good review. Immediately took it off my DVR's season pass. Supernatural was lots of fun, as usual. Castiel is hot!
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Teen angsty vampire shit is getting really old. Lance Henriksen would open up these dipshits and drink their blood from a dirty glass.
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with my chin. Ha! Just kidding.
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Man was a legend.
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"... a good deal at an all-female apartment."<P>I like it, but how about this:<br>A couple of normal guys have to pretend to be vampires in order to live in an all-vampire apartment.<br>You could call it "Jugular Buddies".
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Yeah, werewolves = female. The whole full moon thing -> uncontrollably violent every month -> etc...
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Vampires in the White House.
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but it's fun.
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Celebs freaking out on twitter. Hee! Welcome home, Space Shuttle!
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<p>Until i received bannation for mentioning supernatural on the shitty doll house talk backs</p> so obviously i won't talk about supernatural or herc's self loathing for his erotic desires for the winchester boys an obvious hatred of supernatural fans</p> <p> the zone is a shitfest of a board, someone organse a twitter acc for superntarual asap or something asap</P>
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vampire diaries. i havent even watched the twilight thing, but im guessing im not missing much
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yeah that just scared the shit outta me. at first i thought it was an earthquake tremor or something and then my mind started racing because its 9/11 so naturally my paranoia set it that we were under attack. that was fucking wild.
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"Sure. Um, could you do me a favor there, Satan, and remind me to quit drinking before I go to bed?" Awesome.
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Just give in and come talk to us at the Zone. Quit being a sulky, stubborn bunny like evryone else. <p> [wheedle] You can edit your posts there...
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She said today that she's sorry for the events on 4 11.
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the angels are here."
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Tagline: These two fellas want an apartment here. Only problem is...they don't suck.
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So, guys. Wasn't that Supernatural premiere incredible?
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im so over this shit.
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Sept. 11, 2009, 10:04 p.m. CST
Where The Fuck Is The "Psych" Talkback?
by the_first_rule_of_fight_club
herc, you're a dick for not putting this up. "psych" is easily one of the most enjoyable shows on right now. for one thing, it gets more laughs from its pop references than diablo cody could get from a two thousand page script. and it manages to do this every. fucking. week. sure, it may not be "cool" enough for you, but you're hardly being cool when you provide tb's for garbage like "dollhouse". fuck this vampire bullshit. start talking about "psych".
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Sept. 11, 2009, 10:23 p.m. CST
Whedon pissed himself at the Sweden "Dollhouse" premiere!
by Disgruntled_Chinaman
Herc, please see the light... There was an "American Idol" story, even though you don't like "American Idol." <P> There was a "Torchwood" talkback even though you don't like "Torchwood." <P> Now, that your "hero" pissed his pants in Sweden, will you open your heart to a program that might be cooler than "Buffy?" <p> A program that was on the air for two seasons too long?
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WTF was I thinking???
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Sept. 12, 2009, 2:26 a.m. CST
ok checked under the couch still can't find the Supernatural TB
by Miyamoto_Musashi
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Join us in the Zone. <p> /Evil Dead-like <p> [join us, join us, join us}
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The Glee forum is getting bigger hits than us and the lip-syning is WAY off. Huge FOX budget that has been promoted for months and the syncing makes me want to kill myself.
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Needs Peter Skolary. It's not like he's doing anything. And people please post a damn spoiler when you talk about the The second best show on the air right now. Supernatural.
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Come on, big bad wolf eats Little Red Riding Hood? Werewolves are rapists, not seducers.
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looks like four of the girls were arrested in Georgia for flashing. http://tinyurl.com/lzo7d4
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I've never seen a flasher, harmless fun I think unless it's a wierd dude at the mall showing kids his junk. Otherwise just enjoy the show
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Next the female cast of Gossip Girl should start streaking.
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Sure it wasn't great or as good as True Blood but the story and characters are far better than anything the Twilight series has ever offered.
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There is one in the Zone, but I was wondering why can't we use Herc's DVD thread as a Supernatural TB. By the time the TB is unlocked most everyone has no interest in it (as proven by this week's 4 posts, by 3 people). It's prime TB real estate that's just going to waste; why not use it as a Supernatural TB?
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Time will tell.
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Extreme Makeover: Vampire Edition<p> Vamp My Ride<p> Who Wants To Be A Carpathian Count?<p> The Tonight Show with Max Schreck<p> The People's Court of the Damned<p> CSI: Transylvania
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At this point I don't think you guys will ever see a Supernatural talkback.
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That is the main reason why America should be nuked.
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Or for spoiling the show in an unrelated TB? Herc didn't ban anyone else that ragged on him.
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