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Herc’s Seen The CW’s New MELROSE PLACE!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
I am – Hercules!!
The first of this year's "autumn" broadcast debuts turns out to be that of “Melrose Place,” a predictable and predictably cliché-riddled retread of the dreadful old Fox soap, this time from latter-day “Smallville” showrunners Darren Swimmer and Todd Slavkin.
Laura Leighton and Thomas Calabro return from the old series, augmented by newbies Stephanie Jacobsen (“The Sarah Connor Chronicles”), Katie Cassidy (“Harper’s Island”) and Jessica Simpson’s sister Ashlee (yes, the one caught lip-synching on SNL a few seasons back).
The “Melrose” franchise remains one of the emptiest and least diverting in TV history, and this time around I can tell my DVR to steer clear of its address.
Newsweek says:
… Ten years after it left the air, the salacious soap will return to it's proper place: right after the the yawn-worthy remake of Beverly Hills, 90210. Since they're back-to-back, it's unfortunate that the network's second go at Melrose Place falls similarly flat. … We got ahold of the first three episodes of the new series, and the new Melrose Place is more boring than one of the Ashlee Simpson-Wentz's blank stares …
USA Today says:
… The rebuilt pool-centered complex looks lovely, but nothing else in this pale imitation (* 1/2 out of four) keeps up, just as no one in the cast, new or old, can compete with Cross or the so-far-missing Heather Locklear. What you'll find instead is your typical CW collection of pretty, hard-bodied young things, most of whom can't act their way out of a Birkin bag. To be fair, it's hard to put a lot of life into characters who are mere types — the conniving, career-driven press agent (Katie Cassidy); the lunk-headed, good-guy filmmaker (Michael Rady); the bad-boy bitter rich kid (Shaun Sipos) — and not particularly interesting types, at that. At the very least, you have to feel some sympathy for poor Stephanie Jacobsen, whose character can't decide from scene to scene whether to find prostitution demeaning (which would seem to be the more logical choice) or to embrace it like some new-era Happy Hooker. …
Entertainment Weekly says:
… For this version to work, all the subplots and characters have to keep moving with precision, and the first episode, directed by Davis Guggenheim (An Inconvenient Truth), does a skillful job of that. But a nighttime soap is a marathon affair, and one that morphs as various characters take off with fans while others fade into the L.A. stucco. So it remains to be seen whether the new Melrose will become as giddily addictive as its predecessor — but it's off to a promisingly dizzy start. …
The New York Times says:
… The current version is slicker-looking than the old; the lighting is sultrier, and the stunned reaction shots are fewer. Much of the acting is marginally improved since the days when Andrew Shue, playing the doltish writer Billy Campbell, approached each scene as if the script demanded that he look like a 6-year-old told that he wasn’t getting a puppy for his birthday. No one appearing on “Melrose Place” 2.0 is nearly that dreadful, and the one-liners that remind us that we are not watching the television of a historic golden age retain the zesty camp of the series’s first iteration. “If it wasn’t for me,” Sydney Andrews tells the young protégé she has schooled in her lunatic brand of venality, “you’d still be wearing Juicy sweatsuits, French tips and a bad dye job.” …
The Los Angeles Times says:
… If only it were possible to care, even the least little bit, who did what and why and what will happen next. But as of the end of Episode 2, it just isn't. Like action figure collectibles, each character is so carefully encased in his or her protective wrapping of clever plot possibilities -- Auggie's a recovering alcoholic! David steals things! Lauren may have to become a high-price call girl to pay for med school! -- that it's virtually impossible to connect with them emotionally. … Nothing is said that hasn't been said, nothing is done that hasn't been done and as the group of friends who share little save a shoe size and an address gather poolside, even the sunlight looks fake, as if the complex were in a dome, a captive ecosystem on another planet where scientists are attempting an experiment in social regeneration. An experiment that one suspects is about to go terribly wrong.
The Chicago Tribune says:
Empty calories. That's what the remake of "Melrose Place" is -- it's the TV equivalent of snack food that doesn't really fill you up. … The problem is, very few of these actors -- or characters -- are memorable. … in a fall season that's about to get very crowded indeed, this remake will have to work harder than this to keep my attention.
The Washington Post says:
… In the show's second incarnation, premiering Tuesday night, a new gang of yoga-bodied 20-somethings resides at Melrose, but the show remains just as logical. Which is to say, things happen Because. Crazypants Sydney, who died at the end of the original's Season 5, is now alive again Because. Star medical student Lauren becomes a call girl to pay her tuition Because. (Because there are no Stafford loans in Melrose Place?) Ostensibly straight Ella makes out with a hot girl Because. The show stars Ashlee Simpson Because. …
The San Francisco Chronicle says:
… in a word, awful … It's all soapy nonsense with emotional entanglements underscored by catchy and moving pop songs. …
The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:
… better than either the 1992 first episode of "Melrose Place" or last year's "90210" reboot. … Executive producers Todd Slavkin and Darren Swimmer ("Smallville") tie the show's tangle of plots and relationships together with an agile skill that makes this new "Melrose Place" more appealing than the show's concept suggests should be possible.
The Boston Herald says:
… CW can slap as much paint as it wants on the exterior of the Los Angeles apartment complex housing randy 20-somethings, but this is one property that should have stayed in foreclosure. … The producers here aren’t even trying. They studied the wrong blueprints for this remake. They’re building the foundation of a home on paint fumes.
The Boston Globe says:
… just a mess of gossipy plotlines about adultery, murder, and secrets. If it has a moral compass, the arrow is stuck pointing down, to hell. …
Variety says:
… probably better than it ought to be. That’s not saying the premiere is particularly good, only that it has assembled a highly attractive cast and rapidly thrust it into tawdry situations, including a convenient murder mystery to get the ball rolling. Success will ultimately depend on ecology — that is, the level of demand for recycled trash. …
The Hollywood Reporter says:
… you'd have to be floating face-down in a pool to avoid getting instantly hooked on the intrigue (or lose yourself in the ample music-video moments). It's all brand new and shiny but comfortably familiar and keenly calculated. The pleasures abound within the walls of the new "MP," but be warned: You'll want to take a shower afterward. …
9 p.m. Tuesday. The CW.
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The writing style changed again.
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...just how bad the original MP was.
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did he need some softening up after getting his eardrums fucked by jimmy page, jack white, and the edge? that's got to be the oddest pairing of a director/tv show i've ever heard. what's next, werner herzog's "charlie's angels" reboot? actually, that'd be kind of awesome.
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Variety and the HP are usually right about these things so expect to have to tolerate it for a year or two.
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just kidding...this sounds like the shit that just fell out of my asshole...yes my shit "sounds"
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Dallas: The Next Generation or Knots Landing: Down the Street? Liked those better anyhow.
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Sep 08, 2009 5:27:39 AM CDT
Yeah, I'm sure the millions of fanboys who read AICN were dying
by liesandpicturesofalsolies
No Project Runway love? I'm sure there's a few TV nerds who are unaware it is back on Lifetime.
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I will check this out for Katie Cassidy. Seems to me she is playing herself. She should have stayed with Supernatural.
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***Why*** are you covering crap like Melrose Place on AICN? Seriously, why?
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only good thing about this reboot---the hotness that is Katie Cassidy...although she looks better with red hair like in Harper's Island
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his "man-caught-in-estrogen-laced-hell" style of review is at least entertaining to read, whether you are interested in the show or not.
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And I gotta eat her.
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...it's no wonder Smallville is one of this network's best shows.
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everyone dups on him just because he couldn't act his way out of a paper bag.
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Melrose Place remake gets an article, but True Blood, one of the most entertaining shows on TV, can't ? Figures.
Oh, and is Laura Leighton still hot ? That's all I care about. -
talkbacks for the past 2 episodes. And it'll probably get one for next week's finale. And yes, it's a great show! Melrose Place only got a talkback because it was a series premiere. Chances are, we'll probably never hear about it again on this site until it gets cancelled, whenever that will happen.
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. . . the creepy shut-in who lives in the Melrose Place complex but never leaves his apartment. Maybe he's "Crazy Old Man With A Snake".
After each episode of the "real" show, film "creepy guy" sitting at his door listening in to the inane bickering filtering in through the window, or through the paper-thin walls. Have "creepy guy" yelling something like "shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up!!!!" -
I used to think she was hot for her age. Then I found out she was 22 not 32 and now I just think she needs to stop smoking or something.
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No?
Maybe they can talk about it.
Or maybe it's more boring crap. -
Rimjobs?
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90210? Oh I see its the show about the fellas on vespas. Its on Logo right?
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Cassidy was great on Supernatural and even better on Harper's Island. But this? She should be moving up not down.
And she doesn't transfer well to "trashy sexy". She's more "wholesome sexy".
A career misfire. But she's young and hot. She'll recover.
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I saw the first 2 episodes and surprisingly loved them
it looks great, hot people, and the story intrigued me
1000 times better than the 90210 bullshit -
Don't care now.
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"Big Brother", hates this show (the original, and now the remake). "Melrose Place" was the 90s version of Reality TV. A bunch of pretty people living together, sometimes getting it on and not always getting along. It had it's share of "villains", people doing things to their so-called friends that you just don't do in the real world. Really, I don't see how someone who has such a love of Reality Shows can have such a hate-on for this. To me they are like fraternal twins - while not exactly alike, their similarities far outweigh their differences.
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...season three of Supernatural was so good. She deserves better than this though. She also deserved better than what she got in Taken. Fuck Maggie Grace and her bad acting, and her goofy running, and her wasting all that time on Lost. If J.J. had went with Katie, Shannon might still be around, might've actually been important, and us Supernatuaral fans wouldn't have been let down so badly with the fucking atrocious recast of Ruby.
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EVEN CARE ABOUT IT!!!!
I was saddly very much addicted the last go around, and while i know in my heart it'll probably suck, I'm still uber Excited, Hopefully there will be a New MODELS inc. and we'll finale get an answer about that Cliffhanger, So yeah i can't wait and I hope that shit gets leaked soon!!! -
on the site. No doubt.
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Here I am being transported back 15 years when I wrote weekly columns on 90210 and Melrose for my college rag. Good times. Don't know what to expect, but am happy about what happens to you-know-who, and am worried about the cast, since they have that chick from BSG Razor with the horrible skin. Interested in a weekly talkback on this and other shows (including Supernatural!): http://gamerrant.com
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http://www.aintitcool.com/section/term/20355
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Big Brother and Melrose Place are on opposite ends of the predictability spectrum.
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all these people are older than me (and I'm old enough to probably be the target for the original version)
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Sep 08, 2009 2:59:58 PM CDT
The Pilot is well done... But I like shows like "Nip/Tuck"...
by mr. profit
And hate stuff like "Gilmore Girls". Cassidy is bisexual in this and it's not "just because" like a reviewer above suggests. It is because she is, and it works to her advantage when she is competing with her gay boss who is sexing everyone to get ahead. There are good characters. And the med student doesn't become a call girl "Just Because", she does it because she is a trust fund baby who loses her funding. The weakest link is Simpson, but there is hinting that she is Sydney's daughter which could be interesting. The show is not some Emmy Winning masterpiece. But it's a primetime soap that is WAY better than it should be.
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Number 1,435,987 why I don't watch TV anymore: Melrose Place reboot.
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They are supposed to be 20 somethings. With the exception of Simpson's character who is supposed to be 18 (She's 24). Cassidy is 22. The Asian chick from The Sarah Connor Chronicles is also in her 20's. So the casting here is age appropriate. Also the elder Melrose vets look like they did a pact with whoever Dick Clark made one with years ago because they haven't aged.
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Imagine if HBO did a serious reboot of "Dallas"? A powerful oil family in Texas is something that can still be relevant in 2009. Make it serious. Make JR Ewing a bad mofo, amp up the rivalry between him and Bobby, and you could have an unexpected hit that can be their next "Sopranos".
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I think you may have something there
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I don't know - on Big Brother you know the majority of housemates will be voted out and only one will emerge victorious, you just don't know who; on Melrose Place, you know someone will end up dead in the pool, you just don't know who (unless you read the trades and know who's contract wasn't renewed).I've seen some crazy stuff on Reality shows (that nutjob on Hell's Kitchen challenging Ramsey to a fight because he "ain't no bitch" when all he was asked was who was up for elimination and why). I've also seen some great twists like hidden immunity idols being pulled out at a crucial moment, or a so-called fan of Survivor giving up individual immunity only to be voted out. But I don't think I've ever seen a "holy shit" moment that rivaled the Kimberly/scar reveal on the original Melrose Place.
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You wrote: "Big Brother and Melrose Place are on opposite ends of the predictability spectrum."Not true. Both are predictably inappropriate for coverage on a site about cool news that used to be geared toward fanboys before crap like those two shows got added to the news lineup.
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I mean the original shows sucked major cock! Why remake garbage shows like these? Yet a brilliant show like Sliders is left on the shelves by tv executives! This fucking blows faggot cock!
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I mean the original shows sucked major cock! Why remake garbage shows like these? Yet a brilliant show like Sliders is left on the shelves by tv executives! This fucking blows faggot cock!
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I mean the original shows sucked major cock! Why remake garbage shows like these? Yet a brilliant show like Sliders is left on the shelves by tv executives! This fucking blows faggot cock!
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how was the "kevin smith" character?
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Sep 09, 2009 12:02:14 AM CDT
Lol, someone used the words Sliders and Brilliant together
by lockesbrokenleg
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dozens of other cool TV Shows get IGNORED by AICN. MP isn't worth mentioning. It had it's TV history value in the 1990s. Since then, other and better TV-Shows/concepts have emerged and doesn't belonge here on AICN anyways. WTF, really!
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in any sense of the word. But, it was entertaining crap. Anything with Sallah from 'Raiders' equals a-okay in my book.
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they shat allover that show to the point of losing interest.
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for all 16 yr. old chicks and gay dudes. Hooray?
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Isn't anyone going to mention how seriously hot Jessica Lucas is? DAMN, that girl is fine! I will watch this show just to catch a glimpse of her! MEOW!
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the HBO remake is a great idea. Edward James Olmos for Jock Ewing, and have the dude who plays Dennis Duffy on 30 Rock be Cliff Barnes and... Wait That's all I got right now.
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Brilliant idea Profit. A Dallas reboot set during the last 10 years would be insane. Read House of Saud/House of Bush for an idea of what that would be like.
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Ok so first of all, watching MELROSE did not make me want to die like 90210. It's not perfect but it's pretty dece. Casting is good-especially Ashlee Simpson-best line "You didn't get the money, and you didn't get the guy" The Heather Locklear blonde actually looks like Heather (in her Dallas years). I like the fact that she's bi-gives us character insight undoable back in the 90's (but would prefer her to be gay). I do think the end of episode "gay revelation" was ripping off Southland a bit but whatever. Right now this show's just above lukewarm- definitely better than 90210 and if nudged in the right direction could actually be good. My say is work out the kinks, nail down the characters and keep on trucking. Best performance of the ep goes to: Ashlee Simpson-Wentz
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Big deal. You posted some True Blood teasers. Way to ignore the real question - whether Laura Leighton was still smoking hot. Fag. :)
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But only if they case Daniel Day Lewis channeling the dude from There Will Be Blood as JR Ewing and he beat Ellie Mae to death with a bowling pin.
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to make room for this. I know I'm beating the long-since decomposed corpse of a horse here, but I'm still pissed. After Supernatural ends its run, this 'network' will cease to exist for me.
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There is no way in hell that someone can play JR Ewing like Hagman did.
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Yet another show featuring shallow, useless, stupid people living in California. Wow. Truly groundbreaking stuff here. Seems like another crap show that should be featured on MTV.
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We tried to warn them.
But would they listen?
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I made it about ten minutes into the show until I gave up. It BLOWS!
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BIeMHDYZ gfahTEz
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