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Capone wishes Robert Rodriguez's SHORTS had been even shorter!
Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
I've grown to loathe Robert Rodriguez when he's in child-pleasing mode. While I had a certain affection for the first two SPY KIDS movies, the third 3-D offering was junk, and SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL was unwatchable in any number of Ds. So you can imagine my excitement at the prospect of SHORTS, the story of a magic Rainbow Rock that grants the wish of anyone holding it and happens to land in the quaint town of Black Falls, Texas. And while Rodriguez clearly has won the race at making fast, inexpensive, special effects films in Texas, the resulting family offerings are often filled with child characters who don't act anything like children, and adults who are usually even bigger idiots than the kids. SHORTS feels like the entire screenplay was written in ALL CAPS, with every line of dialogue bellowed out and every opportunity for subtle behavior (or human behavior, for that matter) ignored in favor of people acting like idiots.
Rodriguez is clearly going for the art house children's crowd by telling his story slightly out of order using short vignettes about different people who possess the rock for short periods. I didn't recognize any of the child actors, but I suppose it was some small comfort seeing such players as James Spader, Leslie Mann, Jon Cryer, William H. Macy and Kat Dennings thrown in the mix. Much like SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL, the film feels like it was written by a child for whom sense, chronology, logic, and sugar moderation mean nothing. Look, I get that SHORTS is made for children, but that doesn't mean that that every law of physics and someone making a reasonable decision can't happen every so often.
The film concerns Toe Thompson (Jimmy Bennett) whose parents both work for the notorious corporation headquartered in Black Falls. The company makes something called the Black Box, which can be transformed into pretty much any utensil, electronic device or other useful device (not always with optimal functionality). The magic rock falls from the sky, and Toe and his friends start making bizarre, but not really earth-shattering wishes, as you might suspect they would. The rock bounces from person to person, and yet nothing really obscenely cool happens until the evil Mr. Black (Spader) grabs it and uses it to turn himself into the most indestructible thing on the planet. But even the resulting object Spader becomes reminded me of a Transformer, so there's nothing really to get excited about.
Rodriguez is certainly one of the most inventive and driven directors working today, and I will always respect him for that. I can't wait to see MACHETE or RED SONJA or PREDATORS or SIN CITY 2 or whatever he does next. The guy is a true talent, but I feel like the time he spends on these sub-par kids films is wasted months he could have been working on something more substantial... or at least something I'd rather see. SHORTS is depth-free entertainment that I'm guessing most kids won't even care that much about. The youngsters I saw this film with initially were pretty transfixed on the action, until they weren't. The notion that this film will make more money than something like Miyazaki's PONYO is appalling to me. So all of your responsible adults: please take your kids to PONYO this week. If you are unfamiliar with Miyasaki, this weekend would be a perfect opportunity to introduce yourself to the greatest living animation director, instead of going to contributing of the downfall of society by attending SHORTS. The fate of the world rests in your hands. (See, I've already created my own adventure story more interesting that SHORTS.) The choice is yours.
-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com
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Gotta Eat. Anyone see him ramble on that show after Letterman?
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They bumbed Rose Byrne! Now she's not huge, but she's not some shitty stand up or crappy ass band. I guess she's not a bitch because the host said she was coming back.
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He's been working on for 10 years?
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So this is the prequel to The Box?
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Part of his allamony agreement. <P> Thats what you get for sticking it where Marilyn Manson used to hang out.
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Did this for the money. I still can't believe he's never done a cameo on the Stargate show for some dough. ho ho ho.
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FUCK YOU! Ruining my 10 in a row.
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Been to RR movie factory?
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Children already see enough weird, inhuman constructs on Nick/Disney sitcoms.
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Kind of sucked. Sorry I hate to say it, but that doche hole from At The Movies was right. Toward the end shit was just being made up. Good movie for the first hour, should have trimmed 20 minutes at the end. Also for such a childish movie it handled some mature subjects. The animation was good and worth seeing on the big screen though. But it doesn't get close to Spirited Away or Up.
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he would have had to play a different character since someone else played his movie role on the show. or maybe just the evil twin who isnt really a twin.
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Take your brat to see Ponyo rather then this. Though don't expect them to make it all the way through, it started to put me to sleep toward the end. Then again I thought it was only an hour 20....I was like OK END!! <P> Seriously there was like 10 minutes of this annoying brat just yelling PONYO! PONYO!
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Does someone play Kurt Russell in the show? Every time I see something about it I'm always like????? That shit is still on?
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in star trek, the real annoying snot face little fucker that says "my name is james tiberious kirk" in like ever trailer and commercial for the movie<P>how could you not recognize him, i thought the world hated that kid?
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And both of them have tried to explain the plot......fucking way? Was someone going, OH if it doesn't have a compelling story then I don't want to go. <P> I've seen 0 trailers for this, they've got it estimated as taking in 12 million this weekend. Man that ass hole on Box Office Guru is a retard, this movie will barely break 5 million at best. I bet D-9 wins the weekend.
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Aug. 21, 2009, 3:53 p.m. CST
No need tp posts any reviews for any movies this weekend!
by standundermyumbrella
Avatar day is stealing everyones thunder, do you see any talkback about Basterts? No you dont
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Is just fucking awful. The only show that looks remotely interesting is Airbender. Everything else for kids is SO fucking awful. Even the new Turtles shows are not very good. All those crappy ass kid sit coms or fucking retarded. <P> Also why is it the kid always has to be the wise cracking smart ass in everything on TV? Kids are fucking stupid.
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rule #67----You MUST slobber all over a new Robert Rodriguez movie. Nice to see somebody call shit on him for once.
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The Tree of Life-Playing patty cake with your rectum in 2009!<P>Avatar is shit.
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Saw it this morning with the kiddos, not a bad movie at all... Definitely silly, but i took 4 boys (ages 5-9) to see it and they loved the shit out of it. They have been driving me insane quoting it all day. They all said they enjoyed it more than G-Force or G.I. Joe... I think I may agree
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Ok Robert Rodriguez. Don't you got better outlets to hawk your film on rather then AICN talk back?
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Capone you dont recognize any of the child actors? you did see star trek earlier this year right? the star of the film was the young captian kirk, he was also the brother in The Orphan. but anyways one of the things i like about rodriguez, is his abilty to go from Hard R rated films to light weight G rated films. I saw Shorts last saturday and the movie was innocent fun, which is what its suppose to be, True you always know that by the end of one of kids movies that the villian will see the error of his ways and become good. but you have to remember he is specificly making these films for a kids audience giving parents who are fans of his films (or even parents who are not) a great safe fun and entertaing movie they know they can take there kids to. I for one enjoy the fact that he alternates between his R rated films and his kiddie films.
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Robert Rodriguez is a hero.<p> His films are better than any Dreamworks or Blue Sky offering. <p> And when you have kids, you'll learn to appreciate 'Batman and Robin' because that's the Batman movie that kids like. <p> And I will say that GI Joe is the best summer movie this year.
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That shit is off the hook.
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While I applaude you for encouraging people to see Ponyo why did you watch much less review Shorts? You proclaim that you don't like Rodriguez' kids films so why bother? Do you AICN staffers get assignments, do you have to watch and review certain things? Since Harry is so buddy buddy with Rodriguez I woud think he would be the one reviewing this. It doesn't make any sense that a nerd movie site (be honest that is what AICN is)would review a children's movie in the first place then on top of it with a reviewer that isn't going to be objective. Just like with Massawyrm watching and reviewing all the chick flicks and b-movies, it doesn't make much sense and what it the point?
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Yes. Do you kid a favor; help him grow into a getter human being; take him to Ponyo.<p> I like kids' films where the ultimate lesson is "be trustworthy and responsible", rather than "be cool and funny".
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Well, maybe not just yet, you may not be ready, but if you did, you would have seen the preview for this a half dozen times since spring! I have no interest in this film, but my children think it looks reasonably entertaining. If Sharkboy opened in 3D 4 years ago to $12 million, I bet this one can come close to making $10 mill this weekend. Not a lot out there for the kids to watch right now at the theatres.
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When I was a kid, there was Goonies, Dark Crystal, Labyrinth, Monster Squad, Flight of the Navigator, Gremlins, Karate Kid, etc. Now kids have SHORTS?? And G-FORCE, and HOTEL FOR DOGS. Oh, but they're for kids, so they should be given a pass. Kid films should be held to higher standard. At least they have Pixar movies, so cherish them all you can boys and girls, because they're going to be the only great kid film you're going to get.
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Aug. 21, 2009, 5:41 p.m. CST
I'll just pull out my old C64 and play Wishbringer instead...
by CerebralAssassin
Bow to Infocom.
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The guy can singlehandedly deliver you an 88-minute effects-laden movie starring his family if you give him an afternoon, but I'm still waiting for him to write a good screenplay.
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is the worst thing ever. i thought aicn was above that. i mean movie critics in general are stupid to me, most movies are targeted at a demographic, and that demographic is not usually pseduo intellectual adult men. so it doesnt make sense for those people to review most movies, really. i love movies so much though, so i come here to see what geekier people like me say about movies i like. but a grown man reviewing a kids movie? christ...RR even says how he wrote this movie WITH HIS SON. i dont think they were trying to impress anyone besides a few kids. goddamn, capone get a real job. this is sad.
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Aug. 21, 2009, 6:18 p.m. CST
RODRIGUEZ'S CAREER MUST BE ON THE DOWN FOR AICN TO SHIT ON HIM..
by CarlThorMark1978
I guess the failure of everything that Rodriguez has done over the last 4 ½ years since he made his last truly successful movie (Sin City) has made it safe for AICN to start talking shit about his movies. Of course they keep kissing QT’s ass because he did win an Oscar and, being the idiot savant he is, there’s always they chance that he could make another classic blockbuster like Pulp Fiction, so AICN’s tongue will never be far from his culo.<br> <br>RR, on the other hand, lives in Austin Texas (like Knowles) so it was very convenient to keep in with him since he had been considered a part of the early 90’s “indie” movement (along with QT and Kevin Smith) while his movies were successful enough to make it beneficial for AICN to stay joined at the hip because it gave them some attention.<br> <br>But now that RR’s career seems to be on the down turn, Grindhouse was a disaster (QT seems to also have a new best friend with Eli Roth, less competition that way since Roth has never been that successful), I’m sure we’ll see more negative reviews of RR’s work in the future as his movies cost too much to be considered “indie” while they don’t make enough money to get Hollywood’s attention.
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this is the problem these days, adults pandering to what they THINK kids like and "dumbing down" the material thinking it's what they want. Not only that, but they see others doing the same so, "of course this is what kids whant!".
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Growing up there was always the usual insipid Disney shit but there was also a lot of kids stuff that had some bite to it not to mention they made a lot more better movies back in the 80’s and 90’s. I feel soo fucking sorry for kids today. My favorite summer was 91 when I was 13, we had Terminator 2, Silence of the Lambs, Guns N Roses and fucking Nirvana. 1991 was a great year.
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Aug. 21, 2009, 6:30 p.m. CST
GOOD KIDS MOVIES - GREMLINS, GHOSTBUSTERS, POLTERGEIST, NEVEREND
by CarlThorMark1978
The problem is that people don't understand that "childrens movies" doesn't mean that the movie has to be CHILDISH. But then I grew up watching Dawn of the Dead, I Spit on Your Grave, Cannibal Holocaust and Faces of Death, so what do I know
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degree or two away from Quentin. Shouldn't Capone be deep throating this movie like a good little AICN moditor?
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Aug. 21, 2009, 6:43 p.m. CST
Proofread, Capone. PROOFREAD. Are you a professional or not?
by Missing Dink
Are you so bored with your own work that you can't even read it once for grammar!?
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Doood! i still have my wishbringer glow in the dark rock that came with my c64 version! hell yeah
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"...the entire screenplay was written in ALL CAPS, with every line of dialogue bellowed out and every opportunity for subtle behavior (or human behavior, for that matter) ignored in favor of people acting like idiots." Are you sure it wasn't Transformers?
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I never got the love for Rodriguez so many give him. I see nothing new or unique about his style. It's all very average.
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So you'd rather read a review from a 6 year old? You're basically saying kids movies are strictly for kids with no enjoyment to be had by adults. Pixar would have something to say about that.
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He pumps out these baffling kids' things but he also managed to wrestle Predator 3 away from Fox and over to his own studio in Austin. Machete, a spinoff from a tremendous theatrical flop (which only flopped because the Weinstein Co. threw together marketing that sucked dog dick and released the thing on fucking EASTER WEEKEND,) is not only shooting, it's going theatrical. Nobody in Hollywood can do what this guy does.
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Simply put, this is were RR gets the green for his next bold film. You think any studio wanted to finance Sin City, or Planet Terror? It's all made with Spy Kids cash. Hopefully Machete turns out as awesome as the trailer.
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And why are my tax dollars being funneled through the FDA to test baby food for mercury and lead? The babies can figure all that out for themselves.
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Family is great but fuck. Such a waste. I hate having to wait for the next great action/horror movie until he does 2 or 3 gay kids movies. I know these have their place but, i'm a selfish fuck and and i want my fix. But Marv back on the screen to fuck shit up. Now i'll go throw a temper tantrum in public.
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And here I was expecting this to be great.
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watch transformers the old cartoon or he-man, or watch any kids movies when we were kids and they're just as bad. Sure we have fond memories of them so we think they were masterpieces, but in reality they were annoying and dumb to adults at the time.
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the yardstick. Try The Goonies or The Monster Squad or anything else made by someone trying to depict kids on film with even a shred of honesty. Bring up retarded toy cartoons the next time there's a thread about Jetix.
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I just directed these shorts for Comedy Central for atom.com http://tinyurl.com/l52jbp
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Aug. 21, 2009, 11:26 p.m. CST
"Adults reviewing kid's movies is the worst thing ever"
by Nasty In The Pasty
Um, yeah, reviews of kid's movies should be written by ten-year-olds.<BR><BR>Idiot.
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after all, where is the next generation of Talkbacker going to come from? Smart folks have their entertainment needs taken care of already - It's hidden in 'books' if you are remotely curious.
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Aug. 22, 2009, 3:59 a.m. CST
Good kids movies: TAXI DRIVER, THE EXORCIST, MARATHON MAN
by BurnHollywood
I was getting my fill of R-rated goodness at the same age you pussies were crying over Bambi.<p> I'm taking the kids to MACHETE. I don't have any kids, but I'm pretty sure my neighbors will loan me theirs...
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I suspect he's not in any dire straits. Boston Legal wrapped up its five year run just a year ago or so; he probably did this film for a lark, just like every adult actor who participates in Rodriguez' kiddie flicks. That said, perhaps I will watch this on Netflix Instant Watch when I take up smoking pot again, but that's about the only way I think I could sit through it. (Then again, it wasn't really made with me in mind.)
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Sorry, Capone - I have to disagree. You usually write good reviews, but you've clearly laid out your biases in the opening of your review (nice of you). "I hate every film of this type that this director does. Now, on to my review - I hated it!" Wow - shock! Seriously, this movie is full of fun and creativity, all kinds of wild kid-like behavior - kids LOVE wish-fulfillment and the idea of having power to do whatever they wish. The wishes I made as a kid were very similar to the wishes the kids make in SHORTS, and I don't know how it was unlike children to wish for space aliens, super-intelligence, for people to get back together and things like that. Weird you disagree.
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this film is a masterpiece. I also own a pair of shorts but dont wear them because I dont really feel like showing my legs in public.
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I have three little girls and they LOVE Rodriguez's kids movies... and so do their friends. If I want some peace so i can work, I put them on. </br> Capone, you are not the demographic. With the right audience, Rodriguez's work is gold. I love his 'adult' work. So we all win.
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I can't believe Shark Boy is a heart throb now for women 13 to 60. There's something messed up here...
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Career suicide.
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Aug. 22, 2009, 10:06 a.m. CST
I'm not looking forward to any movie Rodriguez has planned
by NotVeryFunny
Carrerwise, he's dead to me.
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...I'm scared.
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like finger painting and bad crayon drawings of cat bats, Robert Rodriguez has captured what an actual 7 year old would do if they made a movie their way. This is the coolest thing ever, and if you don't get iot, ask a 7 year old, they loved it!!
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Goes from hard R-rated movies to kiddie stuff in the blink of an eye. Nothing in between.
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and nyone who says that needs to be executed
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Let Pixar, and Miyazaki etc make the kids movies. We need better adult movies.
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...cause it's all about you, right? and what you want. Just checking.
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...are okay kids movies. Spy Kids 3, however, was crap.
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Fuck Robert Rodriguez. What has he really done that's impressed anyone? This guy is overrated because he rides the coat tails of Quentin Tarantino. Quentin saved his ass with making the first half of From Dusk til Dawn fun to watch and definitely had pull with Sin City. EverythI say drop this asshole and quit banking on quality products comin from him.
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Fuck Robert Rodriguez. What has he really done that's impressed anyone? This guy is overrated because he rides the coat tails of Quentin Tarantino. Quentin saved his ass with making the first half of From Dusk til Dawn fun to watch and definitely had pull with Sin City. EverythI say drop this asshole and quit banking on quality products comin from him.
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..so why do you assume you should enjoy kiddie movies? I don't enjoy watching Barney but I don't blame the guy in the suit.
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Yes good point about reviewing chick flicks on here too...I guess AICN needs new daily content but at least if you review a kid's movie, take a bunch of kids with you and include their reaction as well as yours. And no one bring up Pixar because they aren't kiddie movies for the most part.
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Aug. 22, 2009, 7:37 p.m. CST
Robert Rodriguez is definitely a hack
by CHRISTIAN_BALE_TRASHED_MY_LIGHTS
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Loved SHORTS!
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WTF is the Sin City and Planet Terror director doing making kids movies?? It's like Quinten Tarantino making a Care Bears movie or some shit.<p> It's baffling. I had check IMDB to make sure it was the same guy, ffs.
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I would gladly pay to see Tarantino's Care Bears movie.
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Isn't a film reviewer who takes himself seriously actually bothering to review this movie kind of like pistol whipping a blind kid? It's obviously shit. Look at that trailer. It's typical "KIDS SAVE THE WORLD" shit.
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News-flash. The sun rose today too.
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only 6.6 million this weekend. Told you.
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not Capone. Let's hear a view from one of the target audience.
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That's a valid point. Though I loathed Spy Kids 3, my nephew (who I took to see the film) loved it.
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... because I love movies with light-hearted adventure. It was really fun. HEL-VE-TI-CAAAAH! HEL-VE-TI-CAAAAAH! HEL-VE-TI-CAAAH BLACK!
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Kids love his movies. I mean really love them. Ok so they are no ET, but RR makes a better kids movie than most out there and they don't always have to appeal to adults. That's why he makes those other movies.
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It's Miyazaki, not Miyasaki. He's a world class director, not a misspelled drink, though I'd hardly expect you to understand that...
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I have to admit, I was laughing well into the next trailer over the "Telephonesis" line. I'll probably go see this later this week.
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Aug. 24, 2009, 11:21 a.m. CST
"pretty transfixed on the action, until they weren't"
by Immortal_Fish
Really? Were those kids loud in the theater, until they weren't?
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Aug. 24, 2009, 1:26 p.m. CST
Pixar is the only one making good kids movies these days
by Yo_SheBitch
Although I haven't seen Ponyo yet. Can't wait for Toy Story 3. TS 2 and Up both had me bawling. My favorite kids movie though is still The Secret of NIMH.
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Kids movie = recharge of $$$ to do other stuff
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If your ancestors weren't Quakers or visited Mecca. But seriously, explain the ACTUAL damage that film would do to a reflective, smart 10 or 11 year old that loves monsters and horror already. I think it's the other way around. I think any time you can get a kid to contemplate new ideas/concepts/points of view, you're doing them a favor. There's nothing that will "desensitize" in that movie because the violence has consequences. G.I. Joe, however? Heh. EVERYONE in that film would be DEAD. That's not to say I think a kid would be damaged by seeing it, I'm just saying the "desensitizing" argument applies better to that film. "Kids" movies are typically "dumbed" down, but with obvious exceptions. Even then I'd say Pixar films are not dumbed down adult concepts. I think they're good stories that would work no matter what AND happen to be non-offensive to most people. But when you really think about it, UP was adult themes front to back. Still, I'd rather have a kid see District 9 for what it has to say about human reactions and instincts to "the other" and the unknown. So there's some gore. Phht.
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Amen. Sure, we had SOME shit TV shows when we were kids (have you ever gone back and watched Thundercats as an adult? WTF were we thinking?) but we had some great movies. Why? Because we just watched the same thing adults watched! It was AWESOME! <p>Gremlins, ahahaha! I LOVED that movie as a kid, and still love it as an adult! <p>The movies kids have today would have bored me the moment I learned how to read.
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But everything else family orientated he;s done has been utter shit.
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the first Spy Kids was good, but the third did indeed suck (never saw the second)
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