Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
I've grown to loathe Robert Rodriguez when he's in child-pleasing mode. While I had a certain affection for the first two SPY KIDS movies, the third 3-D offering was junk, and SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL was unwatchable in any number of Ds. So you can imagine my excitement at the prospect of SHORTS, the story of a magic Rainbow Rock that grants the wish of anyone holding it and happens to land in the quaint town of Black Falls, Texas. And while Rodriguez clearly has won the race at making fast, inexpensive, special effects films in Texas, the resulting family offerings are often filled with child characters who don't act anything like children, and adults who are usually even bigger idiots than the kids. SHORTS feels like the entire screenplay was written in ALL CAPS, with every line of dialogue bellowed out and every opportunity for subtle behavior (or human behavior, for that matter) ignored in favor of people acting like idiots.
Rodriguez is clearly going for the art house children's crowd by telling his story slightly out of order using short vignettes about different people who possess the rock for short periods. I didn't recognize any of the child actors, but I suppose it was some small comfort seeing such players as James Spader, Leslie Mann, Jon Cryer, William H. Macy and Kat Dennings thrown in the mix. Much like SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL, the film feels like it was written by a child for whom sense, chronology, logic, and sugar moderation mean nothing. Look, I get that SHORTS is made for children, but that doesn't mean that that every law of physics and someone making a reasonable decision can't happen every so often.
The film concerns Toe Thompson (Jimmy Bennett) whose parents both work for the notorious corporation headquartered in Black Falls. The company makes something called the Black Box, which can be transformed into pretty much any utensil, electronic device or other useful device (not always with optimal functionality). The magic rock falls from the sky, and Toe and his friends start making bizarre, but not really earth-shattering wishes, as you might suspect they would. The rock bounces from person to person, and yet nothing really obscenely cool happens until the evil Mr. Black (Spader) grabs it and uses it to turn himself into the most indestructible thing on the planet. But even the resulting object Spader becomes reminded me of a Transformer, so there's nothing really to get excited about.
Rodriguez is certainly one of the most inventive and driven directors working today, and I will always respect him for that. I can't wait to see MACHETE or RED SONJA or PREDATORS or SIN CITY 2 or whatever he does next. The guy is a true talent, but I feel like the time he spends on these sub-par kids films is wasted months he could have been working on something more substantial... or at least something I'd rather see. SHORTS is depth-free entertainment that I'm guessing most kids won't even care that much about. The youngsters I saw this film with initially were pretty transfixed on the action, until they weren't. The notion that this film will make more money than something like Miyazaki's PONYO is appalling to me. So all of your responsible adults: please take your kids to PONYO this week. If you are unfamiliar with Miyasaki, this weekend would be a perfect opportunity to introduce yourself to the greatest living animation director, instead of going to contributing of the downfall of society by attending SHORTS. The fate of the world rests in your hands. (See, I've already created my own adventure story more interesting that SHORTS.) The choice is yours.
-- Capone
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