Ain't It Cool News (www.aintitcool.com)
Movie News

Massawyrm sees G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA and discovers that ass kicking is the other half of the battle


Hola all. Massawyrm here. You can say that G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA is completely absurd. You can say that it is a mindless trek into the imagination of a sugar tweaking 8 year old. You can say that it is SFX Eyeball Porn; that it is senseless; that it is goofy, stupid and stretches believability beyond the realm the acceptable. But what you can’t say is that this isn’t really a G.I. JOE movie. Because it fucking is. I can see why Paramount was so terrified of it; why they snuck it out only to a few select critics. This is not a movie for the mainstream press. It just isn’t. It is a gleefully violent, psychotic voyage through mind’s eye of every boy born in the mid-to-late 70’s. This movie duplicates what it was like to play G.I. JOE. Nothing else. The explosions are huge, the action fast and the battles confusing. Important vehicles seem nigh indestructible, with Humvees that survive 23 consecutive car accidents without losing momentum and motorcycles that swerve a little after getting broadsided by a Ford F-250; while unimportant vehicles get torn apart like tinfoil and tossed around like…well, like toys. Because that’s what they are. Toys. There is nothing smart about this movie. It is not “surprisingly good.” In fact, I almost hesitate to use the word good at all. It’s crap, punctuated by several laugh out loud moments that are either beautifully intentional or sadly ironic. But it is fun. Every moment of it is delightfully aggressive, ever smiling and never content with the amount of carnage it has managed to burp out. And much like the cartoon, many of the battle sequences contain so much information that it is impossible to take it all in – but if you pay careful attention to the background, you just might see something funny or cool going on. This is the very essence of short attention span film making, the kind of film that could tame a spastic, hyperactive 8 year old and paralyze him with overstimulation, completely preventing him from making any movements that weren’t excited claps of elation. It will not bore you; it will not stop to try to explain anything; it will not attempt to catch its breath. G.I. JOE wants to blow shit up and this movie aims to let them. Purists are going to be a little pissed. Cobra doesn’t wear blue suits, Destro isn’t Destro yet, Cobra Commander isn’t wearing his trademark mask (or even a hood), Zartan doesn’t have heavy metal face paint nor does he live in a swamp. Shit like that. But it sure feels like G.I. JOE. When Cobra first attacks a regular military unit, they decimate them with technology that the military just can’t handle – and when the JOEs finally show up, you get a real sense of why they exist. Every JOE is every bit as badass as they should be. Snake Eyes is a fast, ass kicking mother fucker. Scarlet is smart, good in a fight and every 13 year old boy’s wet dream. And Duke is every bit the bold leader he should be. In fact, if there is one departure from the show I was happy to see, it was that Cobra wasn’t filled with ineffective buffoons. Quite the contrary, they were pretty kickass in their own right. Storm Shadow is a vicious murderer – and his fights with Snake Eyes are every bit as epic as they should be. The Baroness is no slouch. Destro and Cobra Commander have multi-layered plans that don’t fail at every turn. And the Cobra troops are actually really pretty tough. Of course, none of that will excuse the stilted dialog, the cheesy moments, the implausibility of the story or the hilarious flashback sequences in the minds of many out there. If you want a real, honest to god film out of this, you are looking at the wrong movie, brother. This is a nostalgic theme park ride designed to remind you what it was like to be 10 years old in 1985 and to sell a whole new generation of kids a line of plastic that can help them make their daydreams come true too. It is unapologetic in its brash, over the top manner, and if the words “big dumb movie” scare the shit out of you, you probably shouldn’t step within 50 feet of a theater showing this. Me? I loved the shit out of it. For two hours I was taken back to a time when I tossed around plastic jeeps, spent hours building elaborate Cobra fortresses and flew my favorite toy in the world - The Cobra Rattler – over G.I. JOE’s poorly fortified headquarters, strafing it with my badass Gatling gun. Hell yeah. Will I watch this again? Probably not. But I saw this with a row of my buddies, prefaced by a howling Tim League dressed as Cobra Commander, and ate pizza, drank soda and lived the life the 10 year old me would have high fived me for. This movie was for him. And he loved it. Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm
Got something for the Wyrm? Mail it here.

Or follow my further zany adventures on Twitter.


Readers Talkback
comments powered by Disqus
    + Expand All
  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:36 a.m. CST

    first?

    by torpedoboy

    ...

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:36 a.m. CST

    First?

    by BigFo

    Will read now...I'll see it no matter what!

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:38 a.m. CST

    I smell another STAR TREK...

    by BurnHollywood

    "Don't think, just enjoy it!"<p> Not exactly wild about that sentiment.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:39 a.m. CST

    That really summed up my feelings on the movie.

    by tile_mcgillus

    However, I am seeing this shit again as soon as possible.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:41 a.m. CST

    And now we know...

    by fan291

    Seeing this today and can't wait to be a kid again.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:41 a.m. CST

    No, Payola is the other half of the battle

    by Rubiks Doob

    Let's see- universally positive reviews on AICN along with hugely expensive banners running here. Can you say, bought and paid for? Here's a newsflash kiddos, GI Joe is a horrible film and Paramount has pulled off the greatest propaganda stunt in movie history thanks to sites like AICN.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:41 a.m. CST

    BurnHollywood

    by Dharma4

    How the hell was Star Trek not to think? I'm tired of fucking people being like, "oh yeah, the black hole thoeries in that movie are ridicuously inaccurate." its a fucking movie. a space opera. now GI Joe i understand why it shouldnt be a movie to think, because GI joe never requied actual intellectuality in the first place. just shit blowing up, as mr. massawyrn has so delicately put it.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:42 a.m. CST

    So it's like Speed Racer?

    by Stryder

    I guess I can live with that. I certainly didn't expect more, but with Van Helsing being what it was, and Hasbro not seeming to care about their other big toy movie (the one with those jive turkey robots) I was ready to hear this was absolutely without merit.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:45 a.m. CST

    Oh man...

    by xXxJamiexXx

    I wonder how much the studio payed you off Massa. Seriously because you have given much higher quality films bad reviews in the past. And for GI. Joe to get such a big thumbs up from this site leads me to believe they cut you guys quite a substantial paycheck.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Seeing this in a couple of hours with higher hopes

    by SoylentMean

    The trailers have been atrocious and, if this movie is even remotely close to the level of awesome being described in reviews, criminal for their failure to convey that potential awesomeness. <P> Trailers are supposed to make you want to see a movie. Based solely on the trailers I might have skipped this movie altogether.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:48 a.m. CST

    That makes sense.

    by ZooTrain

    Cobra doesn't wear blue? Destro doesn't have the mask? Zartan doesn't live in the swamp? Cobra Commander isn't hooded or otherwise? The Joes wear leather suits and only three characters resemble the toys. So, GI Joe is good because it doesn't look like GI Joe? Makes sense.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:48 a.m. CST

    Why stop at 1985?

    by Larry Jay

    While all you young whippersnappers can claim that GI Joe is all for you, let me take you back to a time of yore, when GI Joe was 11 inches tall, he came with a bad assed machine gun and for gods sake had "real" hair. The battles my generations JOE fought were against nazi's and commies and all other forms of the "foreign menace". I grew up in the 60's came of age in the 70's and while the 80's JOE was an interesting reinvention, my kids heart rests with that 11 inch giant. Who, incidentally, after knocking off the occasional red menace had a REALLY nice date with Barbie and her friends after the battle.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Are there Lego and Lincoln Log Fortresses?

    by SoylentMean

    I had those. I also used my Ewok village playset as a woodland base. G.I. Joes were the best fuckin' toys!

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:59 a.m. CST

    Why Call It GI Joe?

    by XSurfGuyX

    Cobra doesn’t wear blue suits. Destro isn’t Destro. Cobra Commander doesn't wear his trademark mask (or even a hood). Zartan isn't from the swamp. It's the "Shit like that" that make it GI Joe.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10 a.m. CST

    I share your nostalgia, Mass!

    by Logan_1973

    I have not seen the film yet (saturday), but your review brought back memories of building JOE headquarters out of sofa cushions, and turning my parents' picnic table into the deck of an aircraft carrier. thanks, bro.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:01 a.m. CST

    Go see this because it will make you nostalgic for a toy you pla

    by gingerella

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:02 a.m. CST

    yed with when you were ten?

    by gingerella

    Fuck me gently. You have too much time on your hands.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:03 a.m. CST

    HailDaHypnoToad

    by the new transported man

    Your kids heart rests with MY 11 inch giant, too.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:04 a.m. CST

    Rubiks Doob

    by Geekhaterssuck

    Nice theory about payola except that this site universally blasted Transformer ROTF and yet you saw those ads on this site as well. Explain that one?

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:09 a.m. CST

    What's the difference?

    by Philvis

    All of these great reviews are giving a pass for the same things that Transformers 2 was spat upon for. Not one review says the story was great, so you can overlook some of the bad dialogue or over the top scenes, etc. I have no doubt this will be a shoot em up movie I will enjoy for what it is, but I still cannot understand why TF2 didn't get the same pass. If anything, it should have gotten more of a pass considering it was about giant robots.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:09 a.m. CST

    My best GI Joe forts:

    by the new transported man

    -a small 400-Day pendulum clock that served as a time machine/doomsday device -my Secret Wars base -the Dogwood tree & mound in my front yard -my friend's homemade Vacation House of Doom, which had a trap door over a spiked floor

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:11 a.m. CST

    actually

    by the new transported man

    The best forts were the ones we made when it snowed. Epic mountains & caves, & time for Snow Job to truly shine. And throw a Wampa & a Tauntaun in there too, whatever.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:15 a.m. CST

    Massa and Hobbes

    by Fisting_Nell_Carter

    Nice!

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:17 a.m. CST

    hey now

    by Bloo

    80s GI Joes could have nice dates too...they were just with Scarlett, Lady Jaye or Cover Girl instead of Barbie

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:19 a.m. CST

    Not Mega Force?

    by DamianVonBarone

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:30 a.m. CST

    Philvis

    by AugustusGloop

    No, Joe doesn't have what Transformers 2 had. No jive-talking illiterate robots. No attempt at a serious story. It's just action from the opening shot to the end. It hits you, and it doesn't slow down. Unlike Transformers 2, it's actually FUN, a whole lot of fun. Oh, and no giant clanging robot balls. A movie can be stupid and yet fun by not insulting its audience.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:30 a.m. CST

    I'm There.

    by HapaPapa72

    Sounds like a cool night out with a few buddies. I remember spending so much time setting up our fortresses/HQs/ whatever that by the time we were ready to play, my friends had to go home. I remember wanting a little more realism so I'd have a red-marker to add some bloody touch-ups to my Joes faces...I remember the comics, the toys, the slowly burgeoning lust towards Scarlett and the Baroness...AHEM. Yeah, I'm there. I'm just glad I didn't swear to "never see this piece of crap" and have to eat my words later.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:32 a.m. CST

    AICN is bought and paid for

    by The Game Master

    This review, like the last few, only says "It's cool" with no real reasons given as to why. In other words, it isn't a review at all, but a plant. And so, nobody looks like their action figures? We know that already. Tell us something new. Or is there nothing new to know? We know it sucks, and not one reviewer can offer contrary facts. If the costumes do not look like their toys, why not tell us why they *do* (supposedly) work? And if not, then they're not their toys either, so all this "it's a senseless toy" justification is revealed as the bullshit that it is. And again, I must say: G.I. Joe was not a cartoon or a toy!!! It was first and foremost a Larry Hama comic book, and a damn good one with intelligence behind it! The Cobras being smart and tough is nothing invented by this movie. Read the first few years of the comic. Cobra Command was very intelligent, cunning, tough, and downright evil! They were well educated, well motivated, well funded terrorists! This movie sucks (and I say that from an insider position too).

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:37 a.m. CST

    Hmmm... Read this review again carefully..

    by Pawprint

    Where are the positives, other than "It's fun".<p> Masswyrm doesn't even bother trying to pretend this film has any good points, he just sweeps all the crap under the carpet with the brush labelled 'FUN'.<p> Dear me.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:38 a.m. CST

    Oh, forgot to add...

    by Pawprint

    Massawyrm sweeps the rest of the left over crap away with the dustpan and brush of 'Nostalgia'...

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:01 a.m. CST

    The most amazing thing about all of this to me...

    by I am_NOTREAL

    is that there are actually G.I. Joe "purists" who'd give a crap whether or not Cobra Commander was hooded or not. Before this movie, I hadn't thought about this universe since the 7th grade.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:02 a.m. CST

    "Would I watch it again? Probably not."

    by Jack Burton

    There is your review. Right there. I have never, ever liked a movie but didn't want to see again. This sounds every inch of sfx driven bullshittery that Transformers 2 already conquered the easily entertained world with. For Christ's sake if you gotta see it, wait for home release or bootleg it or something! Do we HAVE to keep rewarding Hollywood for this shit? I don't care if you are going to see it ironically, or just to make fun of. You're still paying for the goddam thing. I guess I'm just slightly annoyed that Ice Age 3 has now become the overseas highest grossing film of all time with $733M total and counting. Try to make sense of that without having a stroke.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:04 a.m. CST

    All about Badassery...

    by spiceybiscuit

    sweet, now I am totally jazzed about seeing this, nice review! question...better then transformers?

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:07 a.m. CST

    I don't get it

    by the_one_that_says_BADMUTHAFUCKER

    I saw the movie at the Andrews Air Force Base Screening last friday (got to see some of the cast, the director and producer)and thought it was shitty. What I don't get is how a shitty movie can be excused and even considered "ok" just cuz it's labeled as being a big, dumb, fun movie? This movie is in the same league as Transformers as far as I'm concerned. The dumb ass liberties they take with these properties just blows my mind. I hate when film makers do shit just for the fuck of it. Snake eyes. Doesn't talk. Never has. And to they're credit, still doesn't in the movie. SO WHY THE FUCK HAVE THE MOUTH ON THE FACE?! You couldn't give the fans that?! Destro doesn't look like Destro. Neither does Zartan or Cobra Commander. And here's the thing; some Hollywood Aholes will say "we went with a design that made sense in the real world because if you look at the cartoon and comic version, yeah it looks cool on paper, but that wouldn't translate well to film". Um the shit you came up with doesn't translate well to film! In a movie like this with a universe such as this, with characters such as this, I think it's the one time where it's fitting to have design elements found in animation or comics. I mean look at the plot! That shit ain't happenin' in the real world! And I don't care how much of the tech used in the movie is somewhat plausible or kinda exsists in some prototype form. Kim Jong Ill Is crazy but he doesn't have Soldiers with Nanomites in their bodies weilding sonic rifles. Not happenin'. And I hate it when "corny" gets a pass cuz it's almost expected? Fuck that, I coulda been taken back to my childhood even if the movie had played it straight and had a solid script. Shit my imagination as a pre-teen playing wit G.I. Joes wasn't corny. The movie, like this post was all over the place. The special effects were inconsistant. Some of the performances were shitty. But whatever, fuck it. This'll make money and they'll make more. I'm just sayin', I don't see what Harry and my man Massa see in this...

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:10 a.m. CST

    I am_NOTREAL

    by Geekhaterssuck

    Does it really surprise you about the "purists"? I mean come one lest we forget the "flames on Optimus" uproar. Almost ever "geek" movie has its purist nonsense. The Kingpin was black on Daredevil, flames on Optimus, black leather uniforms in X-Men, even with this movie some people were complaining over the fact you could see lips on Snake-Eyes mask. It's typical fan boy nonsense that is stemmed from people who have nothing better to do. So it's not amazing it's just sad and typical.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Movie Critic Stinson thought G.I. Joe was Awesthome

    by lathan85

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e6ca688e76/hey-that-s-awesome-gi-joe

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:27 a.m. CST

    Geekhaterssuck

    by the_one_that_says_BADMUTHAFUCKER

    yeah ok, thats fine and all but why even make a movie and call it Transformers if you're gonna change shit to the point where it no longer resembles the source material? Why not give it an original title? You can have the lips on Snake Eyes but I just asked WHY? Honestly, what was the point? He doesn't even speak in the movie. After he stabs Storm Shadow in the chest and watches him plummet to his death he LOOKS like he's about to say someting, but he doesn't. If there was an explanation for it, then it'd probably go over alittle better, but there isn't. Oh yeah, sorry bout the spoiler, I just "have nothing better to do"...

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:29 a.m. CST

    my the kids here are hilarious

    by Bouncy X

    "they liked the movie i think looks bad, they MUST have been paid" its not like they might share a different opinion or anything, nope..its a conspiracy i tells ya. :P

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:44 a.m. CST

    the_one_that_says_BADMUTHAFUCKER

    by Geekhaterssuck

    Easy my friend, once again we are just talking about movies not serious life issues here. Can't really see how they deviated from the source material in Transformers anymore than say organic webshooters on Spider man? I'm sure we will disagree on that and that's fine my opinion is just simply it's too much fuss over nothing.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:46 a.m. CST

    So, let me get this straight...

    by -guyinthebackrow

    You're saying it's as stupid as Transformers 2, and that you'll probably never see it again, but that you liked it? I call bullshit.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Dharma4

    by BurnHollywood

    I like how you answered your own challenge to me in your rebuttal. LMAO.<p> I didn't even mention that retarded shit about black holes...me, I'm the guy who keeps pointing out (to resounding silence) how the plot was so half-assed that it hinged on two characters simply bumping into each other on an icy moon within a matter of minutes, then locating an essential third only a short walk away. And how this third (Scotty) came up with one of the greatest technological advancements in TREK history (beaming several light years onto a ship moving at maximum warp with only a minor error at arrival) that would pretty much redefine every aspect of the TREK universe (who needs spaceships? Just beam from one star to the next in a relay pattern!).<p> Calling it "space opera" doesn't help, either...outside of straight-up satire or spoof, since when is citing the genre a defense?

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:56 a.m. CST

    Rise of Cobra

    by Mr.FTW

    Rise of Cobra is a sad state of affairs if you're a fan of the G.I.JOE: Real American Hero era. There are fundamental character changes across the board that if you are a kid from the 80 with any kind of attachment to the toy line, Larry Hama Comic or afternoon cartoon that is mind boggling. If you are a fan of that era and the countless comics that have been based on either the Larry Hama comics or 80s cartoon this movie is not for you in way shape or form. This movie is for those who have no familiarity with the property and that guy who says "oh yeah, I had some of those toys when I was a kid". <p> As a movie it is terribly paced and horribly acted. The only actor who does a decent job is Marlon Wayans who I'm not sure was actually acting vs. just being Marlon Wayans. While the CG isn't as laugh out loud terrible like in X-Men Origins: Wolverine it is very sub standard especially considering the budget for this movie. It ranges from cartoonish to down right bad at times. The plot is contrived and there are glaring audio over dubbing instances. <p> There is an action sequence in Paris where it looks like Sommers is trying to out Michael Bay, Michael Bay. Love him or hate him there is only one man who can pull off "Bayhem". Even though the movie is PG-13 it has a very PG feel to it, so much so that the elements that make it PG-13 such as the on screen deaths and language feel extremely out of place in this movie. <p> After movies like Batman Begins, Iron Man and especially the Dark Knight there is no longer an excuse for summer blockbusters to be like this. It has been cemented now that these kind of genre movies can contain well written, well acted stories that not only have heart and depth but can be respectful to the source material and the fan base that has kept it alive while simitaneously entertaining the masses and critics a like. <p> Rise of Cobra is an empty shell in every aspect. If you are a fan of the G.I.JOE franchise you are better served hunting down the Warren Ellis scripted G.I.JOE: Resolute animated feature. If you're looking for summer time popcorn fair there has definitly been worse but to get the most value for your dollar go to a matinee.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 11:56 a.m. CST

    PURISTS ARE GONNA BE PISSED?

    by uberman

    Like how they took a military fighting man toy from the 1960's and turned it into some fag wearing purple tights cartoon in the 80's? That kind of pissed?

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 12:07 p.m. CST

    Payola? seriously, are you people dumb?

    by Nerd_Rage_Retard_Strength

    This movie exposes how lame most of the people who post on this site truly are. This site is hilarious. You people are movie geeks who hate every movie that evr comes out. no movie is good enough for you. nothing can ever live up to when you were 10 years old and masturbating to princess leia in her gold bikini. fuck you all. get a life. that is all.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 12:10 p.m. CST

    Hell Yeah, the Rattler

    by FlyingGuillotine

    That was a badass piece of equipment... I recall it was basically an A-10 Warthog with a new paint job. Miniguns, rockets, bombs... it had it all. I am unapologetically going to see this movie for the Baroness. She's like a hot librarian, but with guns. If the Baroness flew a Rattler in the movie, my head would explode from sheer awesomeness overload.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 12:14 p.m. CST

    So it's like what Transformers 1& 2

    by Sardonic

    Should've been. Sounds good to me.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 12:16 p.m. CST

    To address the idea that...

    by jerseycajun

    a movie can be fun for an adult in the same way that playing with your action figures as child was when you were ten: Do you think playing with your old toys, making sound effects with your mouth, and creating dialog that only a ten year old could, makes for a good time as an adult? There is a difference between childlike and childish. The former can be embraced as one gets older, the other practically must be outgrown or you tend to get funny looks from others. There is no way that as a 34 year old, I would spend my spare time making "pew! pew!" and "brattatattatatta!!" noises or writing such brilliant dialog as "Take THAT, Destro". I certainly would not go to a movie that made me feel like that's what I was doing.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 12:27 p.m. CST

    Geekhaterssuck

    by the_one_that_says_BADMUTHAFUCKER

    riiiiight. Anyways, through all of that I've only come to see the irony of your name

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 12:38 p.m. CST

    Why does this get a pass for being dumb but not Transformers?

    by 3D-Man

    Seriously. Transformers is ridiculed for being dumb, loud and spastic (which it is). But GI JOE is forgiven for being dumb, loud and spastic because its based on toys?? So was TRANSFORMERS!!! WTF??????

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 12:50 p.m. CST

    The difference between ROTF and GI JOE...

    by filmcans

    TRANSFORMERS 2 is a movie that consistently chooses the crudest, rudest approach at all turns, while almost daring you to like with a bullying tone. GI JOE is lighter, more innocent, and less bogged down with pretension, with a tone that walks the edges of camp.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 1:28 p.m. CST

    This sounds like Harry's Van Helsing review

    by Movietool

    "It's crap but I love it." <p>I'll wait for HBO on this one. I don't mind having my nostalgia mined for movies, but after the load of awful that was Transformers 2, I'm just not willing to pony up the cash to see them anymore. <p>I just can't take any more 80s nostalgia flicks that bear little to no resemblance to the 80s property in question. <p>Much as I enjoyed Transformers 1 for the big-robot-bashing orgasm it is, you know what? That's just NOT what Optimus Prime looks like. And that WASN't Megatron's voice. <p>And Destro has a silver head. And Scarlet's outfit is tan with red padding, not black leather. <p>I just want someone . . . SOMEONE . . . to make it look like I remember. To use the storylines I remember. <p>Just once. <p>You know what I mean?

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 1:35 p.m. CST

    my thoughts exactly, uberman

    by DinoBass

    we must be old

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 1:42 p.m. CST

    I don't really want to see this...

    by tj donkey show

    After the crapfests that were Transformers and Wolverine, I just don't have the desire to sit through an other piece of shit movie. With that being said my nine year old son can't wait to go see it. Being that he's a good boy and rarely bugs me about things like this, you can bet that we'll be sitting in pre-purchased seats at the Arclight tomorrow afternoon. I understand that this movie isn't for me but rather my boy. If he likes it, then it's all good. After all, it isn't all about me.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Good review

    by manifestchaos

    At least you make no bones about how stupid it is. And I love the sign-out graphic!

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 1:54 p.m. CST

    TJ Donkey Show

    by frozen01

    Amen. We've had summer after summer of mindless crap. Maybe I'm getting old, but I'm finding it increasingly tedious to have to keep switching off my brain to enjoy a movie, especially if the only enjoyment is from watching things blow up. Is a likable set of characters too much to ask for, at the least?

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 2:38 p.m. CST

    if you want GI Joe purist want a real joe movie...

    by Nerd_Rage_Retard_Strength

    the watch that "Team America" movie that the south park creators made. thats about as close as you will get...

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 2:56 p.m. CST

    because tranformers was REALLY DUMB, overly long, and racist

    by supercowbell5THECOWBELLHASSPOKEN

    and there was FLAMES ON OPTIMUS

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 3:05 p.m. CST

    Drugs and Hollywoo

    by RobertCrane

    I like popcorn movies but really, this is getting out of hand. To charge 11 bucks for this is shameful. The massive budgets must be consumed by CGI because the scripting is brual. Just horrible.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 4:34 p.m. CST

    I like this movie, and Star Trek

    by beane2099

    I think this movie was just fine. I dug how they made Destro come about at the end, and God help me I like the 3rd Rock kid playing Cobra Commander. And I'm sure someone will come along and say how stupid I am for liking it, but whatever. You can't tell me it's any worse than half of Arnold's movies (all of which I love except maybe Commando) which wouldn't be nearly as watchable if Arnold wasn't in them. And as far as the people that bitch about Star Trek, let's be honest that franchise shot itself in the foot a long time ago. Berman sought to turn everything cool about it to crap. And when Enterprise started getting cool, he put the kibosh on that with the series finale (Berman's middle finger to us all). In the end Trek was such a tangled mess of mediocrity you couldn't go any further with it. And the whole "these guys happen to meet" gripe? That's what the movie was about: fate righting itself despite the interferrence from the future. The first 5 minutes of that movie was better than the last 3 Trek movies put together in my opinion (and I liked Nemesis).

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 4:55 p.m. CST

    I'm glad . . .

    by The Game Master

    . . . that Arnold was brought up. "Predator" is a perfect example of how you can take something ridiculous, a true G.I. Joe-type of story, and actually make it into a GOOD movie, with cool characters, memorable scenes and, *gasp*, quality writing. Predator, Aliens, and The Dark Knight are all examples of how G.I. Joe, for all its silly premise, could have and should have been made. The so-called "movies" we're getting are a result of shallow studios and no-talent moviemakers. It's that simple. And we, as an audience, have a right to bitch if the movie sucks.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 7:21 p.m. CST

    Sorry, no sale.

    by Godovhellfire

    Time to make the chili...

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 7:47 p.m. CST

    I've seen it....uh......how much are they paying you guys??

    by guyofdoom

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 8:54 p.m. CST

    Why would 'the words “big dumb movie”' ...

    by mbeemer

    ...'scare the shit out of ' me?<p><p> Maybe I'm just not interested in seeing a SHIT movie.<p><p>No need to insult people who aren't into this brand of crap.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 9:44 p.m. CST

    Larry Hama

    by johndillingers20inchseveredcock

    Larry Hama said he didn't know why people have been saying "knowing is half the battle" to him for a couple of decades until he watched an episode of the cartoon for the first time ever recently.

  • Aug. 7, 2009, 10:23 p.m. CST

    Jack Burton

    by TiPPiDa

    RE: Ice Age worldwide figures.. <p> Haven't both Harry Potter 6 and Transformers 2 made quite a bit more than that? I thought I heard a story saying that Harry Potter was gaiing ground on TF2.. pretty sure it was about Worldwide sales. <p>In any case I weep for the world if these 3 hold that top 3 spots.<p>In answer to your question, the reason this is so.... I'm gonna say its all Islams fault... they buy tickets.

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 12:19 a.m. CST

    I thought it was just implied

    by Pompoulus

    that the other half of the battle was actual battle.

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 1:06 a.m. CST

    When you were a kid

    by Mockingbuddha

    did you ever find yourself being dragged along by your parents to some friend or co-worker's house? You'd get really bored and then you'd see this huge old tree stump in their backyard. The top was full of these holes and tunnels and the roots stuck up, and the dirt around the roots formed these crazy deep sharp dry river beds? And you'd wish to god you had your GIJOES so you could have an awesome battle among this awesome terrain? Then you'd get a little jealous that you didn't have anything that good in your yard?

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 2:31 a.m. CST

    If Cobra Commander...

    by Banzai Rootskibango

    ...would have actually looked like Cobra Commander then I would have been fine with it. <P> But he didn't. At all. <P> So thumbs down.

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 11:52 a.m. CST

    Channing Tatum suuuucked.

    by chaddyd

    Was I the only one who thought he was a terrible actor. He didn't understand the lines he was speaking, and delivered them as if he was Marky Mark (circa "Good Vibrations")?

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 12:01 p.m. CST

    I think it's cool to bitch about movies

    by beane2099

    that you don't like, but calling others stupid because they like what you don't is pointless. If you "get it" and they don't then I guess you get the last laugh. We all would love that synthesis between a good character driven movie and a kick ass action flick (and yes I know, a story that makes total sense), but those are rare. A handful of action movies come to mind that have "great writing" (which is a subjective term to me) combined with awesome explosions, but I love 'em anyways. And I'm pretty sure my intellectual capacities are intact regardless of this proclivity. Moreover, the majority of the movie going public don't invest themselves in movies as much as others, so for them it's just a pleasant getaway for a couple hours and that's it. They don't care who wrote it, who directed it, who did the score, or who the key grip was (I care who the key grip was). And they aren't stupid for that, they're just not as invested. And again if that makes them retarded mouth breathers (is that the buzz term everyone's using now?) to you, then again let them wallow in their "ignorance" while you get the last laugh.

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 4:06 p.m. CST

    nothing

    by b3mike

    I've seen from the crappy trailers screams 80's to me. So if you fuckers are driving new cars next week, we'll know why

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 6:26 p.m. CST

    I'm speechless

    by krull1977

    I just saw 1/2 hour of gi joe and walked out. Cheesey lines and boring characters did it in for me. Oh yea Marlyn Waynes seems to indicate a really unwatchable movie

  • Aug. 8, 2009, 9:36 p.m. CST

    ICE AGE 3

    by lgpimedia

    Overseas Ice Age 3 has been bested by 5 Harry Potters, Lord of The Rings, Dark KNight and Titanic among others. What are you talking about?

  • Aug. 9, 2009, 2:15 a.m. CST

    Why does Duke speak in Ubonics?

    by picardsucks

    I thought the suburban white boy pretending to talk like he grew up in the streets thing was over. Rather offensive in a reverse racsist sort of way when you think about it

  • Aug. 9, 2009, 9:19 a.m. CST

    Gi Joe

    by Dumbass35

    As a child of the 80's who played with GiJoe and Thundercats and Transformers and Centurians. I have to say that the only thing that really bothered me about this movie was that they didnt use the Mask or hood for cobra commander. I overlooked the horrible acting by Channing Tatum and Marlin Wayans and the lines that seemed forced even for Dennis Quaid. But the look of cobra Commander should not have been messed with. It almost reminded me of the later cobra commander when they went into space and he had that silver helmet. Thats what it reminded me of and that was well after GiJoe had "Jumped the Shark" as a series. But this is a first attempt and hopefull that as they progress they will listen to the negative and make adjustments. I mean Cobra commander didnt look like the commander of anything so I am hopeful that they will make him look more Like the commander of an evil extremely well fund suedo- military terrorist orginization in the future as I'm sure there will be a sequel or sequels as even my 9 and 12 year old daughters were exited to see this movie and loved it by the way.

  • Aug. 9, 2009, 4:06 p.m. CST

    This movie was a piece of shit....

    by TheWaqman

    I can suspend my brain activity for 2 hours if I get a fun film. But this wasn't even fun. The action was soooo fucking lame. And OMG. Seriously man, I can't even count how many times there was a cheesy scene in here. I laughed so hard when that ninja said "Hello, Brother" that was movie cliche #143 out of a total of many more in this film. This was worse than Transformers 1 people. Thank God I didn't watch Trannnys 2 or T4, I would have committed suicide by now. I don't know what pulled me in to watch GI Joe. It looked fun, but it was fucking horrible.

  • Aug. 9, 2009, 6:38 p.m. CST

    Yo-Joe! blows.

    by Violator90

    Game Master I agree with you 150%. Massa has not said a damn thing that we don’t know, and isn’t know have the battle?! Just from the first few pics of the characters, we all KNEW where this movie was going. Look at the actors picked for the roles!! Does that no SCREAM shitty movie?!?! Was there every mention of the story? I don’t remember reading anything about the story. Yet AICN seems to have some amazing positive review, even though there isn’t anything solid about the story that would even give me any indication. Or why Cobra Commander without the hood is cool or why the all “X-MEN black leather suited” Joes are cooler than the toys! The fact that the studio didn’t let the general press to see it was a dead give away that this movie; along with just a shit load of other movies, was gonna suck major donkey dick. I just came from watching it and I didn’t pay to see it mind you. True it does have a lot of action, which I was hoping it would have. True that the fight scenes of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were what really made the movie. And true, it did make me feel like a kid again---but only for about 10 seconds. The biggest problem that is being overlooked, it’s that the entire movie if film as if it was a very bad documentary. From beginning to end every fighting scene was either way too close-up with the shakey cam or just super shakey cam from a distance. I don’t know why every fucking movie is now being made as if it’s a fucking documentary with a cameraman having seizures. The other thing that really ruined the movie is the SFX. There were just way too many and so cheap looking. Practical FX would have just be perfect for a lot of the scenes but as some one stated, it is the same as Bayformers, excepted SFX looked good there and in G.I. JOE it looked like just another Sci-Fi Channel original movie. Is it going to make bank? Hell yeah. It is a good movie. It really tries to be but I find it that it ultimately fails. Things seem to be just dumped in just to make the Joe fans happy. But are the flaws out weighed by the positives, not really. Just because the movie does not look like the toys is not a good thing! I thought the point of making movies from beloved things; be it toys(Transformers, G.I. JOE,), or comics (DAREDEVIL, FANTASTIC 4) or any other source was to bring it to life for the millions of fans and to introduce it to the general public with respect to the source material. Yet so many are pretty much bastardized and watered down just to make the $$$. Worse thing is that movies like JOE and TRANSFORMERS still make bank. It did try to live up to its source material, but there was just way too much changed and way too much cheese that really made it just another movie like DRAGON BALLS or LAND OF THE LOST. Fuck. It seems that Hollywood is just jamming an enema of bad movies this year. And my enthusiasm for movies is really dying. Glad I still read books and check out some of the low-budget movies at Blockbuster. Some of those movies are actually quite good. Sorry I can’t say the same for those multi-million dollar movies Hollywood is shitting out.

  • Aug. 9, 2009, 7:14 p.m. CST

    AICN likes everything....

    by TheWaqman

    I don't come to this site for the reviews. I come for the hilariously troll-tastic talkbacks and the news.