Hola all. Massawyrm here.

You know how every once in a while there is a film-within-a-film that is entirely put there to juxtapose the reality that a film you’re watching purports to be true against the highly overblown version of it in this alternate universe? Like the Tori Spelling’s STAB movies in the SCREAM series. Well, G-FORCE is that film. Somehow Jerry Bruckheimer has perfected a method of reaching past the veil of our reality into a hyper-stylized Bayverse and plucked from it a film meant in the clever mind of some writer to be a parody of the movies some dumbass would actually make back over here. Because really, who in their right minds would ever make a fucking movie about talking secret agent guinea pigs? Especially one this awful.

No one in a universe I want to belong to, I’ll tell you that much.

G-FORCE is everything kids love, rolled up into a detestable little package of insipid humor, cheap gags and loud explosions. The notion of actual characters was apparently replaced with stereotypes-by-committee, trying desperately to ensure that each guinea pig had an over the top ethnicity, complete with a number of jokes about it. It wasn’t enough to simply hire a diverse cast to voice the characters – they had to make sure to remind you which ethnicity they are by having Tracy Morgan spit out slang and get excited about his hamster ball being equipped with a slammin’ stereo.

But that’s just the beginning of this alternaverse comedy wonder. I haven’t even mentioned the flatulent guinea pig whose farts get lit in an attempt to escape a hamster cage. Comedy. Gold. Hell, sometimes one joke isn’t enough, and unable to figure out which joke was the funniest (or funny to begin with) they throw four at you in rapid succession, all about the same thing. Because, you know, fuck it. It’s a talking secret agent guinea pig movie.

I hate this thing. I don’t want to write about this thing. Fuck, I don’t even want to believe I actually watched this thing. That can’t have really happened, could it? I didn’t really just watch Zack Galifianakis take a paycheck-bullet most likely meant for David Cross to star opposite a bunch of digital rodents spewing 10 year old catch phrases did I? How the fuck did this thing happen? How the hell did Tracy Morgan not stand up and say “You know, this isn’t really a movie. This is something my character Tracy JORDAN from 30 ROCK would star in. What are you people thinking?” Maybe if he ended it off with “Holla,” they’d understand him more clearly.

Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie. Fuck this movie. I hate this fucking movie.

I know, I know. But Wyrm, what did you expect? It was written by the Wibberly’s, whose much-hated-but-rarely-actually-seen SHAGGY DOG was filled with clever comedy, smart gags and proved to be much better than a Tim Allen Disney film had any right to be. I was kind of hoping this might be something like that – a film much better than the concept lets on. Instead, it is worse. Much, much worse. Doubt me? Go and watch the trailer. Then imagine it stretched out to 90 minutes.

If you have kids clamoring to see this, find a theater showing MOON or THE HANGOVER as well, drop the kids in one theater and then see some of the same actors in something that won’t make you want to take an ice pick to both of your eyes and your eardrums.

Will your kids like it? Yeah probably. It’s talking secret agent guinea pigs lighting farts, spewing catch phrases and driving hamster balls through traffic movie. They’ll probably love the shit out of it and repeat the jokes all the way home. But if you’re reading this, then you have no reason to see it with them. At all.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

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