I am – Hercules!!


Almost certainly inspired by the final shot of “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” the disappointing “Warehouse 13” is a sci-fi adventure dramedy about a pair of hot federal agents assigned to gather uncanny artifacts -- artifacts to be locked away in a sprawling top-secret South Dakota storage facility. It stars Eddie McClintock (“My Boys,” “Bones”), Joanne Kelly (“Vanished,” “The Dresden Files”), CCH Pounder ("The Shield") and Saul Rubinek ("Frasier").

The series was also likely inspired by the real-life “Area 51,” a chunk of military-infested Nevada desert topped by restricted airspace and situated 83 miles north of Las Vegas. Area 51 does not appear on maps of Nevada. Satellite images of the site were removed from web servers (including Microsoft's "Terraserver") five years ago.

Understandably, the place has captured writers’ imaginations now for decades.

The time-travel series “Seven Days” took place inside Area 51. “Stargate SG-1” used it to store alien artifacts. Michael Knight rescued KITT the talking car from Area 51 in an episode of “Knight Rider.”

Joanna Dark invaded Area 51 in the videogame “Perfect Dark.” Lara Croft invaded it in the videogame “Tomb Raider 3.” In “Metal Gear,” Area 51 is HQ to a powerful secret society.

Area 51 was the place Brent Spiner’s character looked after the giant alien scout ship in “Independence Day.” “Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” informed us the warehouse in which the Ark of the Covenant was stored at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” was actually Nevada’s “Hanger 51.” The same hanger housed the Roswell aliens.

There’s a bit of conspiracy, perhaps, around the genesis of “Warehouse 13.” Writer Rockne S. O’Bannon (“Farscape,” “The Triangle”) was once identified as one of the show’s creators, alongside Jane Espenson (“Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” “Firefly,” “Battlestar Galactica”) and D. Brent Mote (“Earthquake In New York,” “Atomic Train”), but O’Bannon’s name has somehow fallen out of the credits. The pilot’s teleplay apparently took on, shortly before production, another writer-producer: David Simkins, whose credits include everything from “Freakylinks,” “Mercy Point,” “Charmed” and “Blade: The Series” to “Brisco County Jr.,” “Dark Angel” and “Roswell.”

I think in earlier drafts of the pilot script the main characters were FBI agents; here they’re Secret Service agents. The arrival of Fox’s FBI-centric “Fringe,” which also deals with the uncanny, may have precipitated that change.

The pilot has major problems with tone; it can’t decide if it wants to be a bad knockoff of “The Lost Room” or a bad knockoff of “Moonlighting.” Both agents seem too preoccupied and goofy to make us believe they were actually once charged with protecting the U.S. president, and the pilot isn’t funny enough to justify all its wackiness.

Mostly the debut episode just leaves me confused and reeling with questions. Why is Saul Rubinek’s character the only guy tending to such a huge warehouse filled with crazy powerful stuff? Why do the agents have to communicate on huge antique picturephones instead of today’s tiny cellphones? If the possessed guy is strong enough to tear off his handcuffs, why are a couple of cops strong enough to wrestle him back into a cell that he’s probably strong enough to break out of anyway? Why does the girl agent need to call a source on a pay phone instead of a cellphone, aside from the fact that it gives the writers an excuse to separate her from her partner at a crucial moment? Is a zip-line really the most efficient way to get around Warehouse 13? Why doesn’t Rubinek get a cart to carry that oversized painting? Don’t the agents find that jewelry box hidden on the professor’s shelf with ludicrous ease?

At the end of “Raiders,” I was left longing to see what was in all those other crates. At the end of “Warehouse 13,” I really couldn’t be bothered to investigate. A season pass on my DVR is something these agents are not going to recover.

USA Today says:

… flabby … More emphasis on character is needed, and less on silly props …

Entertainment Weekly says:

… The pilot drags, but Saul Rubinek, who plays the warehouse curator, is entertaining enough that I want to believe it will improve …

The New York Times says:

… This, insidiously, is science fiction as extreme midlife crisis. As Lattimer puts it, “I’m trained to take a bullet if necessary, but I’m not sure how to stop a dead Italian cougar.” Or, he might have added, deeply stupid plots.

The Los Angeles Times says:

… as lightly thrilling as the sound of the Good Humor man's bell on a drowsy afternoon. … "Warehouse 13" has no Cancer Man, no irritating prophesy, no need to bludgeon viewers with lessons in mortality and morality. The warehouse is warm and cozy with its Oriental rugs and Victorian lighting, Rubinek's Artie steals every scene he is in, and McClintock and Kelly provide a happy friction that promises great things. …

The Chicago Tribune says:

… surprisingly satisfying, especially if you're in the mood for a light procedural with a dash of "X-Files" spookiness. … Smart, thoughtful character development is really the necessary key for "Warehouse 13." With any luck, the trio prowling Warehouse 13's vast aisles will come to matter more than the possessed bric-a-brac they collect.

The Washington Post says:

… Whatever. As Kelly laments at one point, "This is crazy, this is crazy." Also, for the first hour, off-puttingly poky. But if you stay with it, the mysteriousness of it all is kind of seductive, and the disparate strands of plot and subplots do eventually come together -- sort of. Basically it's a half-baked adventure series, but it's July, and fully baked may just not be the way to go.

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette says:

… Like other Sci Fi shows of the recent past (think: "Eureka"), "Warehouse 13" begins with a strong concept and suffers from weak execution. … There's no sparkling dialogue or surprising plot turns. "Warehouse 13" has more in common with executive producer Simkins' "Dresden Files," another lackluster Sci Fi entry. … Too often "Warehouse 13" comes off like a mash-up of leftover parts from better series ("X-Files," "Moonlighting" and a hint of "Lost"), and in its premiere never manages to distinguish itself as a show worth watching.

The Boston Herald says:

… tepid … Despite the slight material, McClintock and Kelly sizzle together onscreen. They may remind viewers of the leads on Fox’s “Bones.” Kelly comes off as one of the more believable female law enforcement agents on the tube right now. (NBC’s “Listener,” I’m looking right at you.) Like Syfy’s “Eureka,” “Warehouse 13” is prime-time comfort food. The premise is easy to understand, and it practically gift-wraps its happy endings. It’s also the kind of show you could put on a shelf and forget about.

The Boston Globe says:

… the quirkiness overtakes the creepiness by far, and here’s where “Warehouse 13’’ faces its biggest challenge: There’s a fine line between wink-wink clever and desperately cheesy. Tonight’s story crosses into Kraft Singles territory more often than it should, with bleeding statues and bloodshot eyes, sacrificial fires and some poorly acted demonic possession. Rubinek vamps hard for comic effect, perhaps a little too hard. Pounder does far better, in her brief onscreen moments, being funny and sinister at once. A little more of her alchemy, and “Warehouse 13’’ would be closer to out-of-this-world.

The Hollywood Reporter says:

… Lattimer and Bering are no Mulder and Scully, following a by-the-numbers meet hate/bonding ritual that's one of the flatter parts of the pilot. But the presence of such top-notch character actors as Saul Rubinek (Nielsen) and CCH Pounder (Mrs. Frederic) more than make up for any initial lack of chemistry. But the show's real speed bump is buried in Lattimer and Bering's assignments: They're sent out to capture interesting devices, defuse them and file them away. While that might be just governmental duty -- label it, pack it up -- it undercuts the "invitation to endless wonder" Frederic offered Lattimer early on. Who wants to run a library if you can't read the books? Perhaps that is on the way. For now, "Warehouse" shows promise.

Variety says:

… while the male-female team thrust into this weird world is promised "an invitation to endless wonderment," the grand opening is more like a ticket to banality. Although the premise is rife with possibilities, based on the two-hour premiere, one suspects there's better inventory hidden away in Warehouses 1 through 12. … those eager to find true "wonderment" will have go shopping somewhere other than the big-box store known as "Warehouse 13."

9 p.m. Tuesday. Syfy.

Season Eight: Volume Five!!