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KUFO's Fatboy Says TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN Is Too Much Cake!

I know that food metaphors are the province of lazy movie reviewers. Check the archives of every critic you’ve ever read, and start in their nascent period, before they achieved full-fledged professional asshole status – you’ll see at least 1 or 2 reviews built around the substitution of cinema for eating. It’s where clichés like “Eye Candy” or “Comfort Food” come from, from tired people numbed by pretty, mindless crap being poured into their eyeballs. With that being said: I used to be the kind of person who believed there was no such thing as “too much cake.” The concept was silly to a slovenly, melty person like myself. Tell Ron Jeremy there’s something like “too much sex.” Tell Stephen Hawking there’s something like “too much breakdancing.” “Preposterous!” they’ll say. “Ludacris Bridges!” Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is 151 minutes of truth to that lie. Around hour one, I was pretty satisfied with this sugary cinematic confection. But then another cake was placed in front of me. And another. And another. And Another. And I couldn’t scrape off the frosting, or pick off the roses made of icing. I had to eat every last cake. Not piece of cake; Whole Cake. There was no milk to wash it down, no moisture of any kind to help ease the cake into my tummy. It was shoved down my throat like a rifle butt was behind it. It was fast, angry cake, stacked up, undigested in my stomach like Donkey Kong girders. At some point, I actually forgot what cake tasted like as I gagged on yet another mouthful of icing and sugar. Then the movie ended. Criterion controversially added both The Rock and Armageddon to their collection in the 90’s. They explained by saying something like “These films perfectly capture a style of filmmaking that deserves to be represented and examined by those who appreciate film.” I want to say that Criterion can go ahead and replace those two with this, because Revenge is a movie that perfectly encapsulates everything that is Michael Bay. In a filmography that includes Bad Boys II and Pearl Harbor, this is Bay at his most masturbationally indulgent. And yet, I won’t say that, partially because Criterion doesn’t give a shit what I have to say (neither did the Rep working the lobby once he found out I was in radio,) but mostly because this isn’t really a Michael Bay movie. This is Michael Bay making a cinematic mixtape out of James Cameron’s filmography. Roger Ebert wrote that The Rock was a movie built out of other movies. Revenge of the Fallen is built out of the earnest grandiosity and sci-fi goofiness of The Abyss, the mean-spirited, often degrading sitcom vibe of True Lies, the posing, preening evil of Terminator 2 married to the technical brilliance and horribly shitty pacing of Titanic. And those are just tonal and plot similarities. The shots themselves are often direct lifts that make you think Bay’s DVD/Blu-Ray shelf begins with C and ends with Ameron. Shia LeBeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, an everyday doof with a girl (Megan Fox) way out of his league, on his way to college after spending a couple years hanging out with his alien robot car, (Bumblebee) with whom he saved the world from alien robot jets. (Megatron and Starscream) The film opens with a beautifully disorienting action sequence featuring the Army working in tandem with The Autobots, (good bots) climaxing in an alien robot truck (Optimus Prime) parachuting out of a bomber and onto the face of wheeled alien robot thing blowing up Singapore for the Decepticons (Bad bots.) An alien robot devil (The Fallen) wants to suck all the energy out of the sun , and so he sends alien robots to find a shard of the all-spark, last seen being shoved into an alien robot jet (Megatron) to kill him. They then shove their shard back into Megatron, which (logically) resurrects him. Sam, aided by his pet Alien Robot car, enlists alien robots Stepin and Fetchit, aka Car Car Binks, to pick up John Turturro and his hairy bananahammocked ass (rethink your IMAX ticket now) to find an Alien Robot Jet (Jetfire) who will teleport them to Egypt where Sam can decipher the alien symbols infesting his mind after touching his All-Spark Shard. From there, he will find The Matrix of Leadership, which will help Optimus Prime defeat The Fallen, ensuring Sam survives to hump his girl on the hood of his pet car yet another day. Other things that happen include everything. Gay dogs dominating each other. An RC truck doing a Buscemi impersonation humps Megan Fox’s leg. John Turturro escapes being peed on but spends a considerable amount of time being dwarfed by Robotesticles. There’s mousetrap sight-gags. A camaro crying. A jet farting a parachute. A boy goes to robot heaven. A woman eats a bag of weed cookies and tackles ultimate Frisbee players. Green Day. Some will read this and agree: This is simply a case of too much cake. If I want to see the everyman ascend beyond death to be visited by alien angels with the answer to life, the universe and everything, I’ll watch Ed Harris do it. If I want to see a stone killer slowly stroll at the camera as clouds of destruction billow, Robert Patrick is waiting on DVD. Revenge of the Fallen is a shortsighted pastiche of all Cameron’s worst clichés with pacing as smooth as the Transformers “Bionicle-crapped-a-box-of-razors-and-brillo-pads” designs. Some will read this and think: There’s no such thing as too much cake, and this pussy is basically telling me that Michael Bay just made the best movie ever. The only thing better would be if the old British Jet-Robot with a walking stick sighs and says “I’m too old for this crap,” after totally kicking some Decepti-butt. Wait, that happens? Really? Well then, more cake, please. Either reading is totally correct. Bobby "Fatboy" Roberts Afternoons, 101.1 KUFO-FM fatboy@kufo.com www.cortandfatboy.com

Readers Talkback
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  • June 23, 2009, 1:30 p.m. CST

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

  • June 23, 2009, 1:30 p.m. CST

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

  • June 23, 2009, 1:31 p.m. CST

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

  • June 23, 2009, 1:31 p.m. CST

    That's how you get a TF2 talkback started right!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

  • June 23, 2009, 1:34 p.m. CST

    who?

    by FlickaPoo

  • June 23, 2009, 1:35 p.m. CST

    Wow!

    by kevinwillis.net

    This sounds like exactly what I expected. What do you know.

  • Sigh.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:38 p.m. CST

    At least he didnt whine about the racial stereotypes

    by Mysterious_Volvo

  • June 23, 2009, 1:39 p.m. CST

    I'll wait

    by Nuck81

    Till Blu Ray. Too many other things to spend money on

  • June 23, 2009, 1:39 p.m. CST

    It's a movie based on a kids cartoon

    by ZoeFan

    Entertainment is the only thing I expect.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:41 p.m. CST

    "Car Car Binks"

    by SpyGuy

    You know that one's going to catch on.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:43 p.m. CST

    maybe i have low standards

    by Castiel

    but im going to watch this

  • June 23, 2009, 1:45 p.m. CST

    You have to be a grade-A moron...

    by JackPumpkinhead

    ...to put in your hatred of "Titanic" into a review of "Transformers II". What's the matter, still crying over that movie's success? Whoever the idiot who sent this in is, that sentence was when I stopped reading his verbal vomit.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:46 p.m. CST

    I didn't make it past a grown man..

    by Swoomustdie

    saying tummy. This movie is horrible? No, really? The shock would have been if it would have been enjoyably decent.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:48 p.m. CST

    I'll see this in the theaters

    by daggor

    But I'll buy a ticket for "Up."

  • June 23, 2009, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Should say too much coke!

    by Samuel Fulmer

    Might explain what's wrong with the movie.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:51 p.m. CST

    Know what really sucks?

    by ShogunMaster

    This movie is going to make coin (yes, even you will likely donate to the cause) and they're going to make another one. The next one won't be as good as this one, but it will also make coin (again, even you will donate, even after remembering how much you hated this one). <p> The only good thing is that we still have GI Joe coming to make this summer rule!!! (and you will donate to that piece of shit too...)

  • June 23, 2009, 1:52 p.m. CST

    This movie is equivalent of a fatal car wreck on the highway:

    by Shut the Fuck up Donny

    an awful, senseless event, that for some reason we are compelled to view. <p> Now I may get a ticket, for all the wrong reasons.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:52 p.m. CST

    What should have been

    by The Game Master

    Burton's original "Batman" aside, its three sequels, especially "Batman & Robin" are what we got, when what we SHOULD have got as Nolan's "Batman Begins" and "The Dark Knight". This is the case with both Transformers movies. We're getting the big robot equivalent of nipples on the Batsuit, when what COULD HAVE BEEN is a fascinating sci-fi with unprecedented battles between titanic robots. Michael Bay and his cronies are only making money because the general moviegoing audience is too young to realize how cool these films REALLY could have been.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:53 p.m. CST

    Team Fortress 2?

    by Ash0k

    Uh, Team Fortress 2 is amazing.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:53 p.m. CST

    ZoeFan

    by Daremo

    THANK YOU. People keep forgetting this. IT'S BASED ON A CHILDREN'S CARTOON. It's not supposed to be anything other then cake, and silly shit, and loads of action. THe film makers here aren't out to win best picture at the academy awards. It's a dumb, summer pop corn movie, and some people get so overly worked up over it.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:54 p.m. CST

    And while I'm at it . . .

    by The Game Master

    If Bay is going to have robot testicles and farting, why didn't he just have Devastator stomp through a sci-fi convention, crushing fanboys, then shitting out a new Bayformer (they all look like piles of metallic shit anyway) that runs amok amongst the convention, targeting people who are either wearing REAL Transformer T-shirts or have an I.Q. above 50?

  • June 23, 2009, 1:55 p.m. CST

    Buying ticket to one movie and seeing another...

    by kaspianwithak

    This is genius! I mean, let's face it, we're all kinda curious about how much entertainment we can eek out of movies like wolverine and Terminator: Salvation. Just buy a ticket to something that deserves money, like star trek or up. then go to the theater playing the movie u want to see. Genius idea daggor!

  • June 23, 2009, 1:55 p.m. CST

    I want one of the Transformers to eat weed cookies

    by terry1978

    Seeing a stoned Decepticon would basically declare this the best movie ever put to film.

  • June 23, 2009, 1:59 p.m. CST

    If giant robots are back in fasion....

    by baaba_pappa

    Can we have megas XLR back please? PLEASE?

  • June 23, 2009, 2 p.m. CST

    TF2

    by Losteroo

    Yeah I keep thinking Team Fortress 2 everytime I see that too

  • June 23, 2009, 2 p.m. CST

    It's based on a toy . . .

    by The Game Master

    Yeah, so what? No excuse for shitty moviemaking. And by shitty, I mean, as a moviegoer, I'd actually like to have a coherent plot or be able to tell if the metal shit I'm seeing wrestling around is a good guy or bad guy. If I reach for my popcorn in this popcorn flick, if I so much as blink, I miss a critical shot and become lost all over again. Toy or not, this movie is so poorly made it doesn't even qualify as a bad popcorn movie. It's just a pile of shit.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:05 p.m. CST

    Who is this shithead reviewer?

    by TurdontheRun

    Fatboy Roberts? I remember this clown farting about various Star Wars boards back in the day - and talking equal amounts of crap there as well. He can say what he likes about Transformers 2, but did this dick just take ignorant stabs at Jim Cameron, and compare Bay's resume to his?<p> Now there's a lot you can say about Titanic, for and against, but that movie was flawlessy structured and paced, and to compare the pacing of it to Bayformer's lopsisded bloat, with its myriad of unnecessary nonsense, comedy subplots, and inappropriate fart jokes, shows a profound lack of understanding of film technique and consstruction. And anyone who gets on the politically correct soapbox and denounces True Lies as 'mean-spirited' didn't understand that movie at all. A whole different order to Bayformers' lowest common denominator garbage. <P>Fuck off, you fat bastard. Don't darken these doors again.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:06 p.m. CST

    You loved it, dont lie

    by Cronkit

    your just scared to say you liked the film, because everyone else said it sucked. PUSSY

  • June 23, 2009, 2:08 p.m. CST

    by Cronkit

  • June 23, 2009, 2:09 p.m. CST

    I'm looking forward...

    by LastDragon

    ..to people championing and defending this movie, because it's 'for kids' and a 'summer movie', then actually seeing it and realize that they've been defending what will undoubtedly win the majority of "Worst Movie of 2009" votes. Please, for your own good, see it before you sell it. Or the people around you will stab you many, many times.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:15 p.m. CST

    Will those of you who INSIST on hating this film . . .

    by WX1

    <p>. . . at least consider that: 1) watching too many movies, and when you're not doing that are 2) playing TOO many video games and when you're not doing that are 3) skateboarding, 4) going to the mall, 5) relieving yourself in some form online, and [my favorite] 6) was frustrated going IN TO the "my precious" advanced screening (yeah, you know the one that you NEEDED TO ATTEND SO THAT YOU COULD THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN THE MAJORITY OF THE POPULATION . . . etc., ad nauseum (I think I may have profiled the average hater of this movie, which the majority of the public still needs to see -- more on this later) WILL you at least CONSIDER that your bias simply doesn't match the majority of moviegoers who simply want to be entertained and have their kids have a little fun for a few hours before they need to make the next mortgage payment or see their hard-earned income drained to pay for some lazy f*&k who has managed to swindle the government into believing said f*&k's laziness is a bona fide medical condition that's his kryptonite for work?</p> <p>What do these few advanced pi$$-on and $hi7-on reviews do for those of us who still realize these summer films are for entertainment (and can still tell the difference between those and throw-away B-movies?). Nothing. Nothing when the film hits # 1 at the box office and you don't hear this same majority taking to the streets Iran style yelling, "Revenge of the Fallen raped my childhood! Revenge of the Fallen raped my childhood!" (strong word, by the way, "rape" and I have no idea why some of yous use it so casually with regard to identifying a film that, simply put, did not jive with you. You hated it. I get it. WE get it. You gotta say "rape" in your rant? Get some class.</p> <p>These "hate" reviews on films most of us have been waiting to see for ourselves, cripes . . . really, REALLY smacking BBQ smells of "c-o-n-spiracy." C'mon, tell us, too, if you're being paid off. A little more honesty from some of yous, please. I thought your average AICN posteur was against conspiracy.</P> <p>Eh? What's that sound. Oh, I hear it. I can hear me being called a, what is it? Ah, yes, the ever-go to, articulate "douche bag." Among other things. Yawwwwwn. Have at it (makes you feel better).</p>

  • June 23, 2009, 2:16 p.m. CST

    What isn't clear to me in this review...

    by fassbinder79

    ...Is whether it has a enough action. It sounds like the pacing is definitely not good. So, that's a problem. Nothing wrong with cake. There may be a problem with racist cake. But one thing I can't abide by is racist cake that doesn't fulfill on the promise of lots of balls to the wall action.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:17 p.m. CST

    Sell,Sell,Sell

    by Cronkit

    Action, Drama, Romance, comedy this movie has it all ASSHOLE!! You shit filled vagina

  • June 23, 2009, 2:19 p.m. CST

    I like excess though

    by fassbinder79

    But is this good excess? For example: A movie with too much cake that is AMAZING.. ...Tony Scott's The Last Boy Scout! Love that film. But the writer of that film was an "adult" (Shane Black is a beast). And Tony Scott is one of the best pop directors working. Bay generally chooses weak scripts but always delivers the action. I can forgive a weak script if there's lots of action since that's all I'm looking for from a Transformers film. But if he decides to focus on lame jokes and poor characterizations as well as adding all this Mudflap Step N' Fetchit shit well then I'm out!

  • June 23, 2009, 2:20 p.m. CST

    by ganymede3010

  • June 23, 2009, 2:22 p.m. CST

    Do you know

    by Johnny LaPlegm

    what's behind the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum in Washington D.C.? Apparently miles of grass plains. Meanwhile huge robots with robot canes and robot beards fart parachutes. Did anyone proofread this script?

  • June 23, 2009, 2:24 p.m. CST

    Some will read this and wonder

    by packydack

    why AICN has "reviews" by a radio dj's comic relief sidekick. A review for cakes no less. As someone who lives in PDX and USED TO LISTEN to KUFO, I find it comical that some of the "radio jocks" say they are no longer the "camaro and mullet" station. This is usually said by aging neckbeards who protest in front of comic shop to promote a superhero movie. You know these aging neckbeards because they use 4chan terms "epic" and win" and "fail" to try and stay in touch with the "kids" and don't realize how embarassing it is or how creepy they are. Here is a review of Transformers 2 in once sentence: Transformers 2 is a movie based a 1980's cartoon, directed by Michael Bay with effects by George "Star Wars" Lucas.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:26 p.m. CST

    who cares if the robot farted

    by Cronkit

    you probaly farted afew times writting this slander. Ya beanburrito eating ass mother fucker

  • June 23, 2009, 2:29 p.m. CST

    My spacebar sux

    by Cronkit

  • June 23, 2009, 2:31 p.m. CST

    Transformers 2 Rise of the Childhood rapist..

    by hopeless

    Yeah I saw it last nite and wow did it suck nothing good to say about it here.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:32 p.m. CST

    geesh

    by VXXXJesterXXXV

    <p>Ok, so people with the it's a movie based on a kids cartoon need to find a better excuse to defend this movie.</p> <p> First of all I enjoyed the first movie despite it's flaws and I will likely check this out because of that.<L/p> <p>That said I don't understand how people will defend a shitty plot with "it's based on a kids show" or "it's a summer movie." Because frankly that's bullshit. Just because something is a "summer movie" doesn't mean it should get a free pass. If it has a plot that you can't follow because it makes no fucking sense and action that you can't tell what the fuck is going on because it was shot shitty, why does that get a free pass?</p> <p>I am all for good summer action movies and I like a lot of the crap Bay has put out because that's what they are. There is a difference though between a good summer action movie and a shitty one. The fact people just uniformly say "it's a summer movie" is beyond stupid in my opinion. Of course this is even better when they haven't seen the movie</p>

  • June 23, 2009, 2:32 p.m. CST

    WHO WOULD'VE GUESSED IT'D SUCK?

    by uberman

    Got director Bay? Check. Got fart jokes? Check. Testicale jokes? Check. Shia? Check. Bad Sat. morning cartoon? Check. Checkmate! Now, go get in line so they can make another one to suck some more.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:34 p.m. CST

    This is the cartoon we watched as kids

    by Cronkit

    you would'nt know about that little girl

  • June 23, 2009, 2:35 p.m. CST

    If Bay actually DID negatively stereotype African Americans...

    by Ironhelix

    ...then i am fucking IN. I am tired of seeing whites made fun of in ways that no one else would put up with, just because of some shit that happened before i was born.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:36 p.m. CST

    Ah yes, Steve Buscmi-bot, that's it

    by D.Vader

    He's not a gangsterbot or Joe Pesci-bot as others have said. Buscemi all the way. I liked him.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:37 p.m. CST

    Picture of Devastator's balls

    by Trannyformers_Apologist

    http://tinyurl.com/mwdonk

  • June 23, 2009, 2:37 p.m. CST

    This is exactly what I was afraid of

    by Marillion

    SO many times, when a first movie has done well, the creators/writers/producers/directors go back to the well and dig too deep to try and top what they did the first time. <p> We saw this with Highlander 2, Scooby Doo 2 and others. <p> Surprisingly, Sam Raimi waited until Spider Man 3, but who knows what we'll get with #4. <p> In keeping with the food analogies, I'd equate it with putting too much syrup on a pancake. After a while, you just feel your teeth start to rot away from the sugar. <P> Star Trek got it out of the way with "The Motionless Picture" and gave us less is more, with Khan. I wish the studio powers-that-be would realize that sequel don't have to be over the damn top!

  • June 23, 2009, 2:42 p.m. CST

    The war is over. Mike Bay won!

    by andrew coleman

    Seriously he did. The movie comes out in one of the worst summer movie seasons. This will destroy the BO he looks like a good director when that happened. He was so offended when the Island bombed that he decided to punish us by making these horrible movies that morons love and eat up. Face it Michael Bay won. All of you who didn't see the Island you're to blame for this!

  • June 23, 2009, 2:43 p.m. CST

    This film will cause new psychiatric illnesses

    by kafka07

    suffered both by the shithead fans of this shitball movie, and those who were traumatized by its idiocy.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Of course he did

    by Cronkit

    the movie is sold out to hell

  • June 23, 2009, 2:44 p.m. CST

    "CAR CAR BINKS" = WINNING MONIKER

    by Mullah Omar

    Everybody has been saying "Jar-Jar" and "Stepin Fetchit" in their reviews, but "Car-Car Binks" owns them all.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:45 p.m. CST

    spectrebeeyatch

    by Boborci

    "All of you who didn't see the Island you're to blame for this!"<p> LOL!

  • June 23, 2009, 2:46 p.m. CST

    worse than the first?

    by Sidesmile

    Sounds identical to my reaction to the first one. I felt like I was overdosing on the visuals to the point I couldn't focus on anything, almost like having ADD. It's getting comedic how FX movies keep competing with each other based on quantity of CG rather than quality... so looks like this one is even more cluttered than the first?

  • June 23, 2009, 2:48 p.m. CST

    jim cameron, shane black, gov'mnt wargames with auto 'bots

    by ironic_name

  • June 23, 2009, 2:48 p.m. CST

    Misleading review, the testicle shot is about 5 seconds.

    by ganymede3010

    So to say that Tutorro was dwarfed by testicles the entire movie is very misleading. The critcs really hate Bay. And they're mortified by the fact that everyone who buys movie tickets never listens to them. Muhahahaha.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:48 p.m. CST

    i watched the island

    by Cronkit

    but after I got metal balls and became a man

  • June 23, 2009, 2:49 p.m. CST

    ai plays wargames with autos in public, small soldiers with big

    by ironic_name

  • June 23, 2009, 2:50 p.m. CST

    robots

    by ironic_name

  • June 23, 2009, 2:51 p.m. CST

    Hell Labs - Ironic Punishment Division

    by ColonelFatheart

    This movie is straight out of there. "Like bullshit, do you? Have all the bullshit in the world!!!!"

  • June 23, 2009, 2:52 p.m. CST

    "Other things that happen include everything."

    by Mutley26

    Glib, yet excellent line.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:54 p.m. CST

    Why the fuck are you looking to Transformers for a good story a

    by Cronkit

    Big robots fighting. thats what transformers is. if you want a good story watch a fucking drama FAG

  • June 23, 2009, 2:55 p.m. CST

    Maybe they should have got 6 writers....

    by Trannyformers_Apologist

    ...to write the script instead of 3. LOL!

  • June 23, 2009, 2:57 p.m. CST

    "camaro and mullet" station LOL

    by Moviegimp

    I knew with a name like Fatboy he had to be on a rock station.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:57 p.m. CST

    So now anytime a villain walks through smoke or mist...

    by D.Vader

    It must be a ripoff of the T-1000? Ugh.

  • June 23, 2009, 2:58 p.m. CST

    "iron 'nads... ROLL OUT!!!"

    by CENOBITE

    ...cause they're nads... they're ROUND... gei it? they rooooolllll... AAAAaaaaahhhh NEVERMIND!

  • June 23, 2009, 2:59 p.m. CST

    Not Only Does it Have Balls to the Wall Action

    by kevinwillis.net

    Is has actual giant metal robot balls.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    kevinwillis... nice

    by Cronkit

  • June 23, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    SHANGHAI! not Singapore

    by catlettuce4

    The opening action sequence took place in Shanghai... but anyway, i didn't read this guys review after that point, but gotta say that this movie does indeed suck giant swinging metallic balls. i honestly had a headache last night after seeing it, the only good part was that i got these tickets for free.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    kevinwillis... nice

    by Cronkit

  • June 23, 2009, 3:04 p.m. CST

    by Cronkit

    I only ment to put that in once.2 times is gay

  • June 23, 2009, 3:07 p.m. CST

    THE CAKE IS A LIE

    by turketron_2

  • June 23, 2009, 3:10 p.m. CST

    yeah why are you expecting a good story!? or anything good...

    by BMacSmith

    what, you were expecting Shakespeare? (obviously you were, because there are only two levels of quality in film: Bayformers and Shakespeare) . Why do you MENSA, Ivy League film snobs demand any sort of quality when watching movies? GET OVER YOURSELVES! <p>ITS ROBOTS FIGHTING! Well actually, its more like 2/3s wacky robot hijinks and a boy trying to bang a slut, but then its ROBOTS FIGHTING! well, i think thats what they are, they could be random piles of junk metal, but still: ROBOTS FIGHTING<p> you expect too much to have a popcorn movie with even a base level of intelligence, even though that has been done in a million or so popcorn movies before...<p> ROBOTS!!!!! Check your brain!

  • June 23, 2009, 3:13 p.m. CST

    ya know

    by The Dum Guy

    This might just be a movie that somehow transcends its own stupidity and actually ventures into the realm of genius... along the lines of Crank 2.<br><br>Most likey, it won't.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:14 p.m. CST

    This review wanna make me see it!

    by DerLanghaarige

    It was on my watchlist anyway, but all these reviewers, calling it an epic failure and totally fucking insane,really make me excited for this!

  • June 23, 2009, 3:16 p.m. CST

    Optimus uses a parachute?

    by Nice Marmot

    Of all the stupid shit I've heard of in this, why is this what makes me laugh out loud?

  • June 23, 2009, 3:17 p.m. CST

    reading the plot summary above was hilarious.

    by BMacSmith

    this whole movie has to be a joke by Bay on audiences. He's like a modern day ANdy Kaufman. Complete and willful disrespect of the audience. is Transformers really Bay's critique of modern man? He may actually be a brilliant artist.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:20 p.m. CST

    Wait, wait, wait....

    by Orbots Commander

    A 'British' robot has a walking stick???? Why the fuck does a robot need a walking stick? And why is he 'British'? (Eye roll) Aye-aye-aye.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:20 p.m. CST

    turketron 2 wins.

    by gavdiggity

    that is all.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:21 p.m. CST

    I'm seeing it

    by Spastic Jedi

    I loved the first one and I can't wait for the second one. <br> And come on, wrecking balls as devastators balls is just funny. Where else would the wrecking balls go?

  • June 23, 2009, 3:25 p.m. CST

    Hey Turdontherun...

    by Geek in the City

    ...He might have been the "clown farting about various Star Wars boards back in the day", but you're the clown that remembers the "clown farting on various Star Wars boards back in the day... Me thinks your pot is equally black. All I know is, all these talkbacks just pale before the might of DannyGloversDickBlood. I miss my DickBlood.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:26 p.m. CST

    And yes...

    by Geek in the City

    ...I totally know Fatboy and thus invalidate my entire argument in the eyes of these learned boards. Except the part about missing DickBlood. We can all agree on that.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:30 p.m. CST

    Darkhorizons take on it has me wanting to see this.......

    by The Dum Guy

    "Free of the shackles of both Steven Spielberg's guiding hand and any even vague attempt at reality - 'Fallen' indulges Bay's excesses well past the point of reason to deliver the male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass."

  • You tell them that you didn'ty like it and they violently scream "WHY ARE YOU TALKING SO FAGGY?!"

  • June 23, 2009, 3:37 p.m. CST

    Fanboy brains explode over Transformers and Trek

    by Zardozap2005

    Really, I posted a few comments over on scifi wire about how sad it was that the mouth breathing fanboy dicktards couldn't get over how successful the new Trek is. Next thing i know I've got these no-life morons post about how Trek is a box office failure and commenting on my lack of grammar and reading comprehension. I'll never understand what these basement-nerds are thinking. Of and TF2 for the MFW no matter how bad it is!

  • June 23, 2009, 3:41 p.m. CST

    IDIOCRACY

    by OBSD

    The last word in last post's jubject line is supposed to be "Idiocracy". Otherwise it sounds like I'm making fun of the intellect of the same citizens of America that made Paul Blart a hity. Which I would never do.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:44 p.m. CST

    Okay, I can't spell

    by OBSD

    Now I'm just cringing in a corner waiting for those who disagree with me to give me a good ol' fashioned grammar police assrape.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:45 p.m. CST

    AICN TALKBACKERS / GENERAL PUBLIC

    by RICHARD_GERE_RAPED_MY_GERBIL

    And never the twain shall meet, it seems.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:51 p.m. CST

    Having my cake and eating it, too!

    by Zardoz

    So the film's like Homer Simpson in Hell, getting donuts shove in his fat face for eternity? BARF! I'm so sick of people defending Michael Bay and his shit films. "It's a movie about giant robots beating the crap out of each other, it isn't supposed to be any good." What? Why not? Why can't I have a Summer movie that's both dumb and fun? (with an emphasis on fun, dammit!) This movie is apparently nothing but dumb, and loud. (and yes, I know it'll make a fortune because dumb shits like YOU will pay good money to see it take a dump on your face!)

  • June 23, 2009, 3:51 p.m. CST

    Car Car Binks

    by subfreq

    That is going to be copied all over the web. Superb. Exactly what came to mind when I saw them. Probably the most accurate review I have read so far.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:51 p.m. CST

    like snorting coke off a hooker's ass...

    by BMacSmith

    covered in herpes and the spunk of a 40 man anal gangbang.<p> open up and say 'Ahh' apologists!

  • June 23, 2009, 3:54 p.m. CST

    Hey Geek in the City...

    by packydack

    you suck and the rest of the neckbeard afternoon zoo crew at whats left of KUFO suck, get off the radio and off of the internet. A few weeks ago I attempted to give UFO another chance during the drive home. There was Bush/Palin jokes (hey the election was six months ago - their side lost and your side is just as stupid if not mores so) interspersed with shockjock-style neckbeard rants and after the break there was the promise of...get this "beer tasting with Aaron DurrHurr or something or another. Welcome to KUFO 2009 - where Entertainment Tonight meets Martha Stewart.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:55 p.m. CST

    Paying for one movie, seeing another...

    by Zardoz

    I do it all the time. That's how I saw the first Transformers movie. I don't think I'll even watch this one for FREE, either. (Maybe if you paid me for it, but I won't hold my breath for that!) If people keep paying to see shit like this, that's all the studios will give us. Why make a good Wolverine movie when people will pay to see a shitty one? Same thing applies here. Boycott Michael Bay!

  • June 23, 2009, 3:55 p.m. CST

    THIS WILL MAKE A SHITLOAD OF MONEY!

    by aphextwin

    And you know it! It's our fault that Bay keeps (and is being allowed to) doing his thing worse and worse as time moves on. Fuck this shit

  • June 23, 2009, 3:56 p.m. CST

    PLANT!!!!!!!

    by ZombieHeathLedger

    The ol' reverse psychology, eh?

  • June 23, 2009, 3:58 p.m. CST

    I Bet Harry Loves It

    by MANNZILLA

    While prefacing his review with letting us know he somehow was reponsible for why it was good.

  • June 23, 2009, 3:58 p.m. CST

    Hey packydack...

    by Geek in the City

    Boomer? Sorry...Anyway, I am so going by Aaron DurrHurr from now on. Thanks!

  • June 23, 2009, 4 p.m. CST

    These reviews are way too harsh

    by mfoul2422

    I went to a screening last night for crew and some critics and the critics that were in the lobby near me were all talking about how they hated the movie and how stupid it is. Which is fine, except for the fact that we hadn't even gone in the theater yet. To be honest, I felt that this movie was perfectly fine for what it is. A lot of action, (and I would disagree with Massawyrm's review of the action: I thought it was much more discernible what was happening in this one than the last one.) Some of the jokes were funny, some weren't. Sam's parents were funny, the newly dubbed Car-Car Binks were not. However, I went in expecting a reasonably serviceable plot that simply strings one action scene to the next and some good action and that's exactly what I got. I would give it a 7/10. For those people who are obsessed with Transformers, maybe they'll feel differently. I grew up in the 80s, I played with Transformers and GI Joes, and Ninja Turtles and all that, but guess what, I'm not a kid anymore. Get over it. It's a movie where robots fight each other. End of story. It'll make 500m at the box office and kids will love it, 35 year old guys who still live with their parents will hate it, and Michael Bay and all the rest will get rich off of it. And in three years, the same now-38 year old guys will put down another 12-15 bucks to go see it again so it gives them something to complain about. It's the circle of no-life.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:01 p.m. CST

    This movie would be 100x better if it starred a

    by Quin the Eskimo

    stoned Josh Hamilton

  • June 23, 2009, 4:02 p.m. CST

    This Could Have Been the Highest Grossing Movie of All Time

    by dixieflyer

    No matter what this movie was going to make a pile of cash, but if it had been "great" this would be the movie people would want to see over and over all summer long. If Bay ever "nails" a summer movie and gets all the elements right he will top Titanic. Too bad this is not that movie : (

  • June 23, 2009, 4:05 p.m. CST

    Devastator has fucking BALLS

    by SpawnofAchilles

    if that sounds funny and/or edgy to you, go have a great time and never, EVER reproduce.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:09 p.m. CST

    'im getting to old for this'

    by BMacSmith

    well said.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:09 p.m. CST

    I get that its bad, I don't get that there's expectations

    by #1 Zero

    I can understand people wanting Batman or Superman or Spiderman to be a certain way. They're basically iconic American heroes/figures, whatever. But I don't get that people are disappointed that transformers is not a serious movie or they're portraying it the wrong way. Now that doesn't mean the movie gets to be crap, but these were just mid 80's toys that occupied your interest for what 10 minutes when you had them then you went on to the next thing. The movie is co-produced by Hasbro for pete's sake. It's primarily there to make money and sell toys. Again, that gives it no excuse to be bad, but to hold the concept or subject matter of transformers as sacred that should be handled a certain way is ridiculus.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:11 p.m. CST

    Because "Car Car Binks" is creative http://tinyurl.com/lylca5

    by WireFu

    http://tinyurl.com/lylca5 a simple google search shows the appeared a more than a few sites including themovieblog. Is this where we are at talkbackers where the rush to the obvious joke is now "the win"? If so I am headed to 4chan so I can hangout with the rest of the 30-somethings who still live at home and chum for child porn!

  • June 23, 2009, 4:15 p.m. CST

    Re: hot hot hot

    by son_of_ebert

    carpet-bagged and mulled over..<p>Is this the heralding of an end to the cgi era or just a morsel to dangle from your bones? HA!

  • June 23, 2009, 4:15 p.m. CST

    #1 Zero

    by SpawnofAchilles

    Well I think that Transformers was a very beloved series/film back in the day and it had some pretty cool themes and ideas for what amounted a "toy commercial" as people like to call it. There are some really epic moments in the cartoon movie, and cool sci-fi elements at work. Robotic aliens that can transform into vehicles is a cool concept in and of itself. So that's why. It could have been SO awesome and instead it is what it is. Which is disappointing to fans of the original CONCEPT.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:16 p.m. CST

    LMAO

    by Trannyformers_Apologist

    "If so I am headed to 4chan so I can hangout with the rest of the 30-somethings who still live at home and chum for child porn!"

  • June 23, 2009, 4:16 p.m. CST

    I wonder if there's a decent torrent of Transformers 2 up yet...

    by RobotKing

    because I'm so not going to feel guilty about not paying my $10 to this steaming shitfest. Michael Bay and the studio that finance his no talent ass ain't going to see any of my money.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:25 p.m. CST

    I'm already numb to AICN's reviews

    by lockesbrokenleg

    seriously, it's always the sane. They usually hate everything.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:25 p.m. CST

    Transformers have too many metal pieces...

    by kbarber29

    They should have made them realistic, yet, not so messy with so many millions of pieces. Make them look the cartoon, yet realistic, is that so hard!??!?

  • June 23, 2009, 4:25 p.m. CST

    Harry Knowles

    by Ballbag

    HAHA YEAH I CANT WAIT TO READ HARRY'S REVIEW WHEREBY YOU HAVE TO SCROLL THROUGH 3 PARAGRAPHS ABOUT HOW AS A KID HE WOULD PLAY WITH TRANSFORMER TOYS WITH YOUNG BILLY JIM WHO DIED IN A CAR CRASH YEARS LATER. THEN UPON RECALLING THIS MEMORY HE BEGAN TO SOB IN THE THEATRE AND HAD TO BE WHEELED OUT AND COME BACK FOR A LATER SHOWING AFTER HE HAD GOTTEN HIMSELF TOGETHER. OR HOW HE CALLED SOME RANDOM PERSON AT 2 IN THE MORNING AND DISCUSSED THE MOVIE UNTIL THE BREAK OF DAWN. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHY I STILL COME HERE. OH WAIT YES I DO, ITS TO LAUGH AT THE NO LIFE TALKBACKERS WHO SPEND EVERY HOUR OF THE DAY ON HERE CRYING ABOUT MOVIES THAT ARE BASED ON CARTOONS. THERE I SAID IT.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:27 p.m. CST

    My Dinner With Optimus

    by ZombieHeathLedger

    Part three should be a 20 Million dollar art house flick where Optimus and Megatron meet in a coffee shop and have a two hour discussion about the fate of Cybertron, the rate of erosion of Michael Bay's septum from coke abuse and Megan Fox's wonky toethumbs.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:30 p.m. CST

    BMacSmith

    by Tacoloft

    Your first post was excellent! I am glad I am not the only one who thinks there are too many film snobs out there...the thing that I think we have all forgotten is that perfection is indeed in the eye of the beholder. One man's crap is another man's treasure ect... so the real question is…what has made these reviewers SO damn opinionated? I think a qualifier of sorts for reviewers would be stating the movies they love so we can get an idea of why their current review would be either good or bad according to them. IE: “I love The Notebook, Twilight, and Mean Girls---thus I hate Transformers 2 ect…” VS. “I loved Transformers, Terminator Salvation, Speed Racer, ect… thus I loved Transformers 2” It would at least make more sense in giving the reader some perspective as to a reviewers inherent estrogen level.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:38 p.m. CST

    BALLS ON DEVASTATOR

    by DatoMan413

    Is that this year's Flames on Optimus? #$@$#%! speechless.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:44 p.m. CST

    transmorphers

    by Candy ass monkey suit

    The film was really panned here in the u.k by some of the critics but hey what do they know! Thought the films main prob was its length. For the first hour/half it rolled on quite nicely but the end battle in egypt went on so fuckin long no one gave a shit who won by the end of it..oh and it might be just me but what the fuck happened to jazz..did he die in the previous movie (bad memory) coz i didnt see him anywhere..and those 2 annoying jar jar robot clones sucked 2..still some of it worked..particulary the forest fight..megan looks shit hot as ever and turturro had more to do this time around and some of it was actually quite funny in places. Bay need to tone down transformers 3 - optimus prime gets a blow job and bring it back smaller scale so you can actually see the sodding robots!

  • June 23, 2009, 4:44 p.m. CST

    TurdontheRun, re: Fatboy Star Wars LOL

    by JasonAtWalkCarpetnet

    Yes it is the same Fatboy from the top-level messageboards at starwars.com. One can find him these days at his new boards at www.struttingrug.net which I gather is support group for epileptics, aspergers, and furries who make believe they are robots on the internet. For those who don't know our friend Bobby Roberts here, and I'm using today's hot catchphrases here was best known for hulking out and shitting his pants on starwars boards netwide. Until of course he had to "leave" them boohoos :( Now how about some jokes to lighten things up? Q: What did Jason Ward say to Amanda Crosson before having intercourse with her? A: "In after Art Douglas LOL". Q: What did Art Douglas say to Amanda Crosson before having intercourse with her? A: "In after Nor Cal Hella WOOT!"

  • June 23, 2009, 4:44 p.m. CST

    Never coming on AICN again

    by subfreq

    I feel so ripped off. I thought I was at the coal face when KUFO broke Car-Car Binks to the interweb and we were all here for "the win". Turns out I was played. All those years on AICN for this moment and it was a lie. Thanks WireFu for being the sentinel for us all. We were almost duped on such a huge issue. In future I am going to Google Search every phrase I read on the internet just in case someone has ever typed it before.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:46 p.m. CST

    Yeah...Okay

    by THE TRUE PINBACK

    All these negative reviews are interesting reads...they always are on this site...but they have no bearing on whether or not I plunk down my bucks to see this film. I'm gonna see it tomorrow night, and make up my own mind. If I stayed away from all the movies that you numbnuts call bad, I'd hardly ever get to see anything...I'd be locked ina basement somewhere watching old worn out VHS copies of movies that I don't give a shit about. So keep pandering all of your negative waves, because that won't change anything. If you want cinematic excellence, then go watch Fellini or Kurosawa. If that's what you expect from these summer flicks then you need to re-evaluate what you're doing. For a special effects junkie like myself-which I have no shame in by the way-this movie will be fun to watch and worth the time. It's also fun to see these movies make major dollars while you sit around trying to convince people of how bad they are and why they shouldn't be seen. If you can't stand the heat, then stay out of the theater. Here's one for you...Lucas didn't ruin STAR WARS, Lucas and Spielberg didn't ruin INDIANA JONES, Shia La Beuf isn't a bad actor, and G.I. JOE will probably be a fun movie. Now, go back to your rooms, put on your crappy BUFFY dvd's and beat off till your tiny limp dicks bleed. Maybe then you'd be happy!

  • June 23, 2009, 4:47 p.m. CST

    Will DEVASTATORS_BALLSACK replace DANNYGLOVERS_DICKBLOOD?

    by vic twenty

    An anxious world awaits...

  • June 23, 2009, 4:47 p.m. CST

    This is hilariousTh

    by AlwaysThere

    The fucking movie is getting ripped to shreds.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:48 p.m. CST

    MICHAEL BAY...

    by THE TRUE PINBACK

    Oh, and as far as Michael Bay goes, he's making cool ass movies and banging some hot pussy while you just waste your time and blister your palms...

  • June 23, 2009, 4:49 p.m. CST

    KUFO is now geek-centric thanks to Cort and Fatboy

    by DOGSOUP

    packydack you know before them it WAS the mullet and camero station. Now, bitch about them all you want, but you can't deny they brought to the station the geek flair that gets people to listen about things we care about. They had a Keene Act protest march for Watchmen. The have Dude Parades where everyone dresses like The Dude to go watch The Big Lebowski. I'll admit George Bush Boy President was lame its entire run, but you KNOW if we didn't have them there would be some douche prattling on about how he wants to bang Amy Lee. Fatboy isn't perfect but in the dying arena of radio he talks about things I'm actually interested in daily. Besides if nothing else thanks to Cort and Fatboy I got to see Big Trouble in Little China at the Baghdad for free.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:52 p.m. CST

    The joke's on you.

    by Briannicus

    To those of you who feel compelled to criticize this film for Devastator's balls, the tard-twins or even Remote controlled pesci... You are being played, alot of what Bay is doing is firmly (and intentionally) tongue in cheek, but think about this for a second, most of you may be TOO slow to get the joke. I found the action to be pretty damn easy to follow, I thought it was nice that Optimus actually grew a pair (figuratively speaking.....I mean come on, he kills one decepticon execution style and what he does to The Fallen is illegal in 48 states and would at least be frowned upon by The Geneva Convention) all the crude humour is aimed squarely at "the juvenile moviegoing public.) So before you over analyze it you may actually try to get in on the joke....I did and I rather enjoyed the ride.

  • June 23, 2009, 4:55 p.m. CST

    Another example of AICN CRRRRRAAAAAPPPPP!!!

    by NYC_1977

    I watched the movie in the UK lsast Sat...dreading it after watching the 1st movie, hearing what Harry and "crew" had to say...so expected to hate it...I laughed and had such a good relaxed time with the movie it wiped the floor with the pretentious crap the new Star Trek was...the difference was Star Trek "pretended" to be Star Wars....uh-uh...failed....but passed as a mediocre Star Wars prequel...Attack of the Clones was better - I mean come on....that green alien in Star trek?? Crap. Crap. Crap. Cheap. Cheap. Cheap. Transformers 2...without the prejudice of Aint it Fat obese bed ridden news??? A fun unnbiased rollercoaster I had a blast - recommend it to everyone.....rebel against the fatness....

  • June 23, 2009, 4:56 p.m. CST

    Thanks Briannicus...

    by THE TRUE PINBACK

    ...you're a voice of reason in a sea of evil stupidity! You get the point, but these fools miss it EVERY SINGLE TIME.

  • June 23, 2009, 5 p.m. CST

    God help you if you are too slow to "get" a Mikey Bay film.

    by vic twenty

    I liked The Rock as much as the next guy, but if you can't "get" a bay film, what must your day be like? Waking up to the smell of your own feces. Washing it off with your own urine (hey, it is RIGHT THERE, why not?). Eating any leftover poo not washed away or tossed on the wall for breakfast. Putting on your velcro clothes (buttons is hard) and waiting for the tard van to pick you up for your job corralling grocery karts. <p> Some of you cocksuckers have no fucking standards whatsoever. As far as TF2, I will pospone judgment until I have downloaded it. Because paying for suck makes YOU suck. This is a truth.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:04 p.m. CST

    THE TRUE PINBACK - what dont you like?

    by BMacSmith

    you apperently like the Star Wars Prequels, Indy 4, Transformers, and probably GI Joe. hahahah what big budget movie could you possibly dislike with standards that low? is there any amount of shit you wont happily gobble down as long as it cost more than a 100 mil? did you love Batman and Robin, too? how about The Spirit? anything? Jesus Christ you are the reason shit movies get made. congrats.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:07 p.m. CST

    NYC_1977 ... one point

    by dixieflyer

    Orion slave girls are ALWAYS hot. (green skin alien girl)

  • June 23, 2009, 5:08 p.m. CST

    Briannicus - holy shit thanks captain obvious!

    by BMacSmith

    i had no idea. the jokes were tongue in cheek? aimed at those with the lowest possible brain cell count? no shit. it still sucks and its not funny. Kids will laugh at their own farts for hours on end, but I dont have to grin a bare it in a movie looking for a broader audience. A capable director could entertain kids and adults in the same movie. its really not that hard, unless you are Mikey Bay.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:09 p.m. CST

    Ballbag you little FAGGOT. You're at, a NERD site

    by whothefuckcares

    calling someone a no life? You are at a NERD. SITE. calling someone a no life? Am I even seeing this shit? That's like the kettle shittin' on a bunch of pots.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:12 p.m. CST

    SUMMER 2009

    by THE TRUE PINBACK

    So far this summer I have seen only ONE film that I really despised-LAND OF THE LOST. NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 sucked pretty hard as well. WOLVERINE could've been a whole lot better, but it was okay, and I've really liked STAR TREK, ANGELS AND DEMONS, TERMINATOR SALVATION, UP, THE HANGOVER, and DRAG ME TO HELL. What the fuck's the matter with you people...you afraid to have fun at a movie? Here is where the problme lies, at least a great deal of the time. There are those who go to movies with expectations high, and that is little more than a set up for a fall. I knew when I saw WOLVERINE that it wasn't gonna be like reading the comics...I took it for what it was. The fact of the matter is that the studios can't afford to make films that ONLY appeal to the uber-geeks, because we're not the ones who make up the vast majority of the film viewing public. It's fucking AWESOME when a filmmaker hits one out of the park, like last years IRON MAN and THE DARK KNIGHT. But that ain't always the case. In fact it's fairly rare. So do yourselves a favor, leave your mega-expectations at the door-you'll have a much better time. And don't try to come on this site and these talkbacks trying to sound like you're so fucking special that everyone is going to pay attention and buy into your petty ass viewpoints. To me, they're little more than mildly amusing and certainly not worth making a decision over. With TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, I'm certain that it will make mega-money, and your insults about Michael Bay and his filmmaking acumen will fall on deaf ears. He's the one making the movies, not you. That oughta tell you something.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:13 p.m. CST

    i think we've reached a new low in Bayformers apology

    by BMacSmith

    the dreaded "you dont get it" defense. i can understand that arguement with a shit movie like one of the Matrix sequels, at least they had the illusion of complexity, but a Bay movie? Who on Earth doesnt get a Bay movie? oh, i 'get it', and its sucks shit through a straw.<p>worse than the "turn your brain off and like it!" and "what were you expecting, Shakespeare?" defenses combined.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:22 p.m. CST

    Pinback, we get it! You already purchased your tickets!

    by vic twenty

    Too late to cancel. Ah well, methinks I'll have a hearty shit instead. In the end, I bet I feel better than you.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:22 p.m. CST

    The real question is ...

    by DennisMM

    why does anyone over twelve want to see a Transformers movie? Or a G.I. Joe movie? Or a Speed Racer movie? Time was that big Hollywood pics were not borrowed from cildren's toys and cartoon shows. They might be inspired by the tone of classic serials or draw their inspiration from comic books, but they weren't based on fucking toys. The movies that were based on fucking toys, like Masters of the Universe, were geared towards young viewers with a hope for a certain crossover audience. Now it's all about selling kiddie shit to the intellectually and emotionally stunted. <P> Grow up, people. And bring Bay and Sommers with you.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:22 p.m. CST

    Pin

    by BMacSmith

    Im afraid to have a fun time? i have fun at good movies all the time. Last year was a great year for summer movies, TDK, Ironman and others. are you afraid to have standards? of having some expectation of quality? Are you really happy to go watch any pile of shit no matter how bad, knowing better movies could be made by more talented people if these movies died? I wouldnt want to wake up in the morning if I had no standards. Do i have to have millions of dollars and Bay's directing experience to say that Transformers sucks ass? fuck no! i know i know, im just an ubergeek living in moms basement. wait, no im not!

  • June 23, 2009, 5:24 p.m. CST

    BMacSMith...

    by THE TRUE PINBACK

    I'll venture to say that I'm probably a lot olderthan many here, and I've been going to movies a whole lot longer than many of you. I notice how YOUR opinion...and those like it...are changing things. Like NOT AT ALL! Fuck you and all of your pent up negativity. I LOVED INDY 4, the SW prequels and a lot of other movies. And I was in line when the originals came out too. Yuo dickheads don't know half what you think you do. It would be interesting to get you and maybe ten others like you and put you in a studio for a couple of years to make what you think is good. It would be fucking hilarious, because I'll bet they would come out and fall down the crapper faster than PUNISHER WAR ZONE (which I enjoyed by the way). You can't please everyone all of the time...there's always someone out there ready to rip something to shreds with no reason other than to piss off the people who enjoyed it. There are very few films that have ever been made that couldnt have been improved upon in one way or another. But I think WAYYY too many of you go into films just looking for things to rip up and shit out, rather than trying to enjoy yourself first and formost. I guess I'm getting grumpy in my old age (47) but if I ever hears a pack of snot nosed punks dissing something in poublic the way you do on here, you'd need serious dental work afterwards.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:27 p.m. CST

    god why am i talking to you

    by BMacSmith

    Punisher War Zone now too? you have possibly the worst taste in movies i have ever heard of.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Pinback - you aren't 16?

    by vic twenty

    You are officially retarded. And that is coming from someone who LIKES retards!

  • June 23, 2009, 5:29 p.m. CST

    Absolute shite

    by barnaby jones

  • June 23, 2009, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Seriously, I thought you were a kid.

    by vic twenty

    Wow, my friend.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:30 p.m. CST

    Will Fatboy Roberts be a regular? I love his mashups!

    by Royston Lodge

    After Harry (I think) made an off-hand reference to "Don't Make Me Destroy You", I immediately downloaded all of Geek Remixed, and later Geek Remixed II. LOVE THAT SHIT!!!!!<p> I play them in the background for my semi-regular Star Wars RPG game. They make great mood music for role-playing.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:31 p.m. CST

    Saw the movie last night

    by Simply_Egotesticle

    ¬This review is pretty on the money - EXCEPT that want more cake. For the few of you who have had the sex, you may appreciate this analogy better: Yes you can have too much cake: especially when it's very sweet, like a butter-iced mess of starchy painfully sweet icing roses from a department store bakery; BUT - When you get something that’s really really tasty - like a superhot sweaty beauty who rides you for all your worth, and its intense as all hell, and you think your head might explode - sometimes you go to this weird place - like..."maybe this sex is too good?" Then you get the fear. You get nervous that the really great sex is about to end, or worse, she suddenly does something that ever so slightly turns you off. Now you're upset. Your upset because you were so peaked, and all of a sudden, one tiny little thing has soured the whole damn thing. Does that really mean the escapade previous is now null and void? Does that mean you didn't just have the best sex of your life up until that point? Are you still not having the best sex of your life? Surely she's better than Janice? Right? I mean come on Janice looked like a horse, right? So.... So sometimes the first time you get really fucked, you mind fuck yourself, blowing your wad to slightly lowered hyperdrive expectations of the impossible. That said, I actually laughed through the whole movie. Jetfire was, unfortunately, the unexpected and unwanted pinky in my ass. As a kid Jetfire/Skyfire was my favorite… This Scottish douche is the only massive misstep. His purpose is clear in the end, but damned if I didn’t want to fast forward right thru his expository B.S. Bay has a very dry wit, and incredible comedic timing. It's a comedy folks. Chaplain would be gob smacked. His review is pretty on the money - EXCEPT that want more cake. For the few of you who have had the sex, you may appreciate this analogy better: Yes you can have too much cake: especially when it's very sweet, like a butter-iced mess of starchy painfully sweet icing roses from a department store bakery; BUT - When you get something that’s really really tasty - like a superhot sweaty beauty who rides you for all your worth, and its intense as all hell, and you think your head might explode - sometimes you go to this weird place - like..."maybe this sex is too good?" Then you get the fear. You get nervous that the really great sex is about to end, or worse, she suddenly does something that ever so slightly turns you off. Now your upset. Your upset because you were so peaked, and all of a sudden, one tiny little thing has soured the whole damn thing. Does that really mean the escapade previous is now null and void? Does that mean you didn't just have the best sex of your life up until that point? Are you still not having the best sex of your life? Surely she's better than Janice? Right? I mean come on Janice looked like a horse, right? So.... So sometimes the first time you get really fucked, you mind fuck yourself, blowing your wad to slightly lowered hyperdrive expectations of the impossible. That said, I actually laughed through the whole movie. Bay has a very dry wit, and incredible comedic timing. It's a comedy folks. Chaplain would be gob smacked.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:36 p.m. CST

    What comes to mind...Ludovico Technique?

    by sevadro

    Transformers 2 is not a movie. It's a digital prison rape and human intelligence is the guest of honor. If this is the future of filmmaking, then we are all lost.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:36 p.m. CST

    Things sound even better...

    by Simply_Egotesticle

    when you say it twice. Sorry for my English - I'm a Canadian.

  • June 23, 2009, 5:40 p.m. CST

    by NYC_1977

    Suppose each to their own!!! :D Green girls could be hot - if it weren'tfor the fsct the new ST movie werent so full of fake green fake and that the audience didnt yawn at the reappearance of Leonard Nimoy and or the audience gasp of confusion when they realiased the young Kirk was NOT the guy in the opening scenes

  • June 23, 2009, 5:40 p.m. CST

    Bottom Line...

    by THE TRUE PINBACK

    I come to this site for the movie news, inside info and spoiler stuff. Then I get a laugh out of reading these talkbacks. But not once has anyone here given a review good or bad thathas made me see or not see a movie. I make up my own mind based on what the film is about. I wait until after I see it to decide whether it's good or bad. As Far as PUNSHER WAR ZONE...it was a mega violent hoot, no classic but fun to watch. And when he's blowing the heads off the bad guys, I pcture people like you in there place, then there's even some satisfaction to it. Face it Smithy...and all of you other naysaying nitpicking anal sores...nothing ever is as good as you want it to be. You talk about THE DARK KNIGHT and IRON MAN...both excellent movies by the way. There were folks on here last years dishing out uber-shit about them as well. It's a never ending cycle. I don't always agree with others-that's the beauty of being an American. I don't always agree with the masses-TITANIC was only good AFTER they hit the iceberg! But there is a difference in how you judge success and how the people making the fimls do it. I've got some sad news for you, if you haven't figured it out already. These people are in it for the money. Very few operate on that artistic integrity level. That's not how things function in the filmmaking world, and things aren't gonna change anytime soon...and all of you who spend your time trying to come up with novel ways to insult films, filmmakers, and the people who view and enjoy their films, are just farting in the wind. Your stink lingers but for a moment and dissipates for all eternity. They are making a mark...not you. Like Heston said in PLANET OF THE APES..."Buy it, you'll sleep better!"

  • June 23, 2009, 5:52 p.m. CST

    no matter how bad it is, like it anyway!

    by BMacSmith

    Dont be negative! Like ole Pinny say, "its all just a money grab anyway, therefore you should love it and give away your money!" Congrats on making up your own mind, but given that you like whatever is put in front of you, i doubt there is much of one to make up. Do you think i'm trying to change the world, or just express my opinion on just how fucking stupid this movie and the one before it is? Do you think your opinion here is changing anything? You think nothing is ever good enough for me? should i post a list of good summer blockbusters that have entertained me greatly? No, youre right if i hate a movie as pathetic as Bayformers then of course i hate every movie ever made.

  • June 23, 2009, 6:08 p.m. CST

    If people can like shit like True Blood

    by lockesbrokenleg

    I can like Transformers.

  • June 23, 2009, 6:10 p.m. CST

    BMacSmith...again

    by THE TRUE PINBACK

    I don't recall ever seeing you on a talkback before (and that's not an attack by the way, cuz I don't do it constantly either)so I don't know what movies you like or dislike. I'm not accusing you of dissing every piece of celluloid that flows through theater projectors. And yes, you are just as entitled to voice your views as I am. What I am saying here is that Idon't get why so many that post here are so fucking negative. All they want to do is try to piss in somebody's cheerios. You have to admit, it gets old. Let's take INDY4, for example. I liked it...but it's not as good as RAIDERS...nor did I expect it to be. I hope the next one that they apparently have in the works is more in tune with the first three. But I in no way hated INDY 4. Thetwo most recent films that I can say I hated intensely were the remake of THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL and LAND OF THE LOST. Now, as I said earlier, I am a big fan of special effects, and I know that going into TRANSFORMERS 2, I'm sure I'll at least get my money's worth in that department. I'm not expecting a great movie. That's it. I doubt it's the steamiong pile that so many of you here are saying that it is. You said that about INDY 4, and I didn't agree. Ain't it cool!!!

  • June 23, 2009, 6:12 p.m. CST

    angry cake

    by frank cotton

    funny review

  • June 23, 2009, 6:19 p.m. CST

    BMacSmith and the case of the LARGE stick

    by Briannicus

    Bay is doing it to push your buttons, just to see how truly bent out of shape he can get you, The whole kit and caboodle is a joke and you STILL DON'T GET IT!!! I'm laughing hysterically at all the people in here who portray themselves as intelligent level-minded movie goers on this site. News flash, this is a site for GEEKS, I'll admit I'm one myself, but here's the rub, I can actually let myself have fun, because at the end of the day, it's just a movie and Bay is still making copious amounts of money off of it. If you have a problem with that, go skulk back into your self-absorbed little corner of (so-called) humanity and watch the movies that you know will give you a geek chubby. quit balling and pull that huge stick out of your ass, you might enjoy life more. Swingin' Steel devastator balls FOREVER.

  • June 23, 2009, 6:37 p.m. CST

    Pinback re: making a mark...

    by ebonic_plague

    If the mark for which you're remembered is a skid mark like the TF movies, is it really something to be proud of? There are posts in this talkback with more significance than the first TF. In fact, I'll just Godwin this thread right now... "yknow, Hitler made his mark, too."

  • June 23, 2009, 6:40 p.m. CST

    Transformers and low-brow humour

    by Briannicus

    And then we start talking about skid marks......ironic

  • June 23, 2009, 6:55 p.m. CST

    Never heard of KUFO Fatboy before...

    by Logan_1973

    And there's a reason for that.

  • June 23, 2009, 7:11 p.m. CST

    I can't wait to see it.

    by Chris Nolan's Pot Dealer

    I'm a Bay fan and loved the first one. Alot of people hate Bay but I just don't get it. They feel like he ruined a movie based on cartoon robots from the 80's. How much sense does that make? If you feel like your childhood was raped then I feel sorry for you if Transformers was your entire childhood. I was a fan but I use to watch it to see robots fight each other and blow up shit. Now that I'm an adult I watched the first movie to see robots fight each other and blow up shit. You can guess why I'll see the new one.

  • June 23, 2009, 7:23 p.m. CST

    The cartoons are stil there. Go watch them

    by lockesbrokenleg

    And the come back to me and try and tell me there was some backstory behind everything.

  • June 23, 2009, 8:20 p.m. CST

    The comics are still there. Go read them

    by Relugus

    And then come back to me and try and tell me there wasn't some backstory behind everything.

  • June 23, 2009, 8:36 p.m. CST

    THE CAKE IS A LIE!

    by WIBoomer1

  • June 23, 2009, 9:03 p.m. CST

    I prefer pie myself.

    by lockesbrokenleg

  • June 23, 2009, 9:56 p.m. CST

    Cake is fine

    by Rand92

    Cake is perfectly fine. It is not good for you, but there is nothing wrong with eating it. Self-proclaimed film aficionados need to quit shouting from the soap boxes that all film must be high art. Movies, like all art, are meant to be enjoyed and I hate to break it to the high art crowd, but most people like fun, entertaining movies, not high art. That is not to say there is anything wrong with liking high art films, but quit preaching that that is the only type of film worthy to be made. Most people would disagree...maybe not here, but out in the real world.

  • June 23, 2009, 10:02 p.m. CST

    nonsense Briannicus

    by BMacSmith

    i get great pleasure from taking shits on Bay and his stupid little movie. in fact, i dare say its the most fun ive had outside of Star Trek and THe Hangover this summer truly terrible summer for movies.

  • June 23, 2009, 10:04 p.m. CST

    for the record, i dont give 2 flying shits about how close

    by BMacSmith

    it sticks to the "source". i barely remember the toys except for Optimus. i just want a good movie featuring giant robots. this aint it.

  • June 23, 2009, 10:09 p.m. CST

    Rand dont be a tard

    by BMacSmith

    high art? are you kidding me? to look at this movie as horrible, one has to only love 'high art' films? I love, LOVE gigantic big budget movies, and I even love many farely stupid ones. Yet this is still shit piled on top of shit. It sucks on even the most base level. Im no 'film aficionado', i just expect a movie not to suck. this one does. Bayformers doesnt even deliver visceral, adrenaline pumping action! its just humor for 5 year olds mixed with quick cuts and bad acting. <p>what, was i expecting Shakespeare? no morons, i was expecting a great summer thrill ride. this aint it.

  • June 23, 2009, 10:27 p.m. CST

    BMac.......

    by Briannicus

    If you take such great pleasure in taking shits on Bay and his stupid little movie, then I dare say you must not have much of a life. The fact that you actually sat through The Hangover makes every other point and opinion you have invalid.

  • June 23, 2009, 11:03 p.m. CST

    http://tinyurl.com/lyxs9n

    by ironic_name

    http://tinyurl.com/lyxs9n

  • June 24, 2009, 12:26 a.m. CST

    Was watching on bit torrent...This review makes good points but

    by darthSaul666

    I haven't read any posts yet on this TB was just watching The TF Fallen after a couple of Darthweisers. I must admit.... It's big stupid fun!!!!! Shit Fucking Sakes... It's about big robots. Has about as much relevance as a Godzilla movie. Best enjoyed when looking for escapism.

  • June 24, 2009, 12:29 a.m. CST

    This post is warming me up

    by darthSaul666

    I have huge respect for DANNY GLOVER'S DICK BLOOD!!!! TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION!!!!

  • June 24, 2009, 1:13 a.m. CST

    Sounds more like too much sausage

    by criticalbliss

    Roboballs? Hairy nut-hammocks? <p> Only Kobayashi could down (in rapid succession) that many wieners safely.

  • June 24, 2009, 7:05 a.m. CST

    whothefuckcares.....

    by Ballbag

    .....HERE TAKE A BIG "FUCK OFF YOU PRICK!" FROM ME AND HAVE A NICE DAY. IF YOU EVER CONSIDER REPLYING TO ANY OF MY POSTS AGAIN AT LEAST TRY AND DO IT WITH SOME STYLE YER USELESS NO-LIFE FUCKTARD. THATS RIGHT I SAID NO LIFE AGAIN BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOU AND A LOT OF OTHER SAD LOSERS ON THIS SITE ARE. I LAUGH AT YOUR ANGER.

  • June 24, 2009, 7:13 a.m. CST

    Too much cock

    by BurnHollywood

    Fuck this review...I'm off to watch Dana Vespoli blow a black guy.

  • June 24, 2009, 9:14 a.m. CST

    "I play them in the background for my semi-regular Star Wars RPG

    by DealAWheel

    "I play them in the background for my semi-regular Star Wars RPG game". What a ringing endorsement for whatever a "fatboy mashup remix" lol. I have food-based metaphor for this review: "shit sandwich"

  • June 24, 2009, 9:04 p.m. CST

    The Rock

    by dancetothebeatofthelivingdead

    I love that fucking movie!. Shave off twenty minutes and it's one of the great action films of all time. Okay, maybe that's a bit much, but I don;t get the hate for The Rock, just cuz it's Bay don't mean it's bad. Leave the Rock alone, fuckers, me likey!

  • June 25, 2009, 12:10 a.m. CST

    Ballbag I LAUGH AT THE FACT THAT YOU VISIT THIS SITE

    by whothefuckcares

    READ WHAT I TYPED, READ WHAT OTHER LOSERS TYPE, RESPOND TO OTHER LOSERS, NO, CREATE AN ACCOUNT ON A SITE FREQUENTED BY LOSERS, AND REPLY TO SAID LOSERS, NEED I GO ON WITH YOUR HYPOCRISY? HOW CAN YOU TALK SHIT IN THE SAME BOAT? THAT'S LIKE MUDFLAP CALLIN' SKIDS BLACK