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AICN Downunder: Remakes, HOBBIT Casting, And TRANSFORMERS 2 Reviewed!

OPTIMUS!

AICN-DOWNUNDER

So, your favourite film is about to be remade.

Question: why do you care?

Oh, I used to be like you. I'd recoil in horror at the idea that any of Hitchcock's films would be remade by lesser hands. The mention of a SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY had me retching. The idea that Vin Diesel would go anywhere near GUYS AND DOLLS put in the foetal position for a month.

Then I got over it. It didn't happen immediately. In fact, it was the news of a PSYCHO remake that first did it. After we got over the initial shock that such a thing could even be contemplated, my friends and I took great relief when Gus Van Sant signed on and announced his approach: he would make the film shot-by-shot, thereby preserving Hitchcock's vision. Still being in high school, we all thought this was a terribly good idea, and breathed a collective sigh of relief.

The following year, in my first few months of University, I went along to see the film, and, in the closing credits, realised how utterly pointless the whole exercise had been. Only then did it occur to me that it would have been more interesting if Van Sant had gone off the rails and done something new. The fidelious remake was like having two copies of the same film on DVD, only one was a terrible transfer. (That's the Van Sant version I'm referring to, by the way.) Sure, I'd have been happier if they'd left the film alone completely, but doing it the same as Hitchcock's version just felt like everybody's time had been thoroughly wasted.

It took ten years for me to completely get over the remake idea. I just don't care any more. Tim Burton's PLANET OF THE APES sucks? I don't care, I've still got the original. OLDBOY about to be watered down? Doesn't bother me, my box set of the Park Chan-Wook version isn't going anywhere. They're doing a "Buffy" movie without Joss Whedon? Good. It'll just serve to remind everyone how good Whedon is before it fades into obscurity.

They're going to remake STAR WARS. They're going to remake APOCALYPSE NOW. They're going to remake THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, TAXI DRIVER, LORD OF THE RINGS and A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. It's inevitable.

My current plan is not care all that much. Oh, I'll give them a fair look -- after all, I love Soderbergh's OCEAN'S 11, THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN, and Peter Jackson's KING KONG -- but I'm not going to lose sleep over them. This year, the films I'm getting work up about (in a good way) include BALIBO, MOON, the new HARRY POTTER (sue me, I love 'em), THE LOVELY BONES, INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, THIRST, THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE, and the array of films I've not even heard of yet that I'll likely see at this year's Melbourne International Film Festival.

Here's what I have to ask: if you hate remakes so much, why don't you spend your energy talking about these new films instead? Remakes get made because of name recognition, and the fact that we obsess over them only gives producers more cause to remake. If we all became infatuated over new projects from established and debut filmmakers and talked about nothing else, there would surely be a shift from the studios towards them.

Or maybe I'm being naive. But even if I am, it would still be vastly more interesting to talk about something new, than complaining about the same old crap over and over again.

NEWS

Screen Australia has been busy dolling out the funds. First, and most significantly to everyone of my age, TOMORROW WHEN THE WAR BEGAN just received investment cash. The book most of us spent our teenage years studying will finally be brought to the big screen care of Stuart Beattie, the writer whose credits include GI JOE, AUSTRALIA, 30 DAYS OF THE NIGHT and COLLATERAL. "Tomorrow", which kicked off a popular series of teen-oriented books, follows a group of teens who return from a camping trip to discover an unnamed foreign army has invaded Australia. The entire story is told through the eyes of the teens, rather than the military. No doubt, the entire "Tomorrow" series, as well as the sequel series "The Ellie Chronicles", will all be made into films, HARRY POTTER-style. Yes, TOMORROW WHEN THE WAR began will be the first of ten movies! You read this fictitious fact here first, people. (Incidentally, news of the TOMORROW film appears to have been scooped weeks ago by Salty Popcorn's Jason King. Kudos to him for the exclusive!)

I'm sure there must have been some people who enjoyed THE WOG BOY, though I've never met any of them. Nonetheless, THE WOG BOY 2: KINGS OF MYKONOS also received Screen Australia funding, and will see the return of both Nick Giannopoulos (whose entire career is predicated on different uses of the word "wog") and Vince Colosimo (who recently worked with Ridley Scott, and is now doing this). The story will follow Giannopoulos's Steve after he inherits a beach on the island of Mykonos from an uncle he's never met. If Baz Luhrmann directs, I might actually see this.

Bill Bennett, the Australian director of KISS OR KILL, TWO IF BY SEA and THE NUGGET, and not the American conservative windbag, also received funding for his film UNINHABITED. The film stars Geraldine Hakewill and Henry James, and follows a young couple "whose island paradise becomes a nightmare". Bennett, incidentally, recently wrote this piece for the Brisbane Times, in which he calls SAMSON AND DELILAH "remarkable", but trashes the motives of the critics who lauded it. So, to summarise: Bennett loved SAMSON because it's a great film, but I loved it because I'm a petty fraud who needed the film to win a major prize at Cannes before I'd give it the time of day? Wow! I had no idea! I can't wait to find out what preconceived notions and biases I have when it comes time to review UNINHABITED! (Incidentally, feel free to read my review of S&D, published over a month before it was announced the film was heading to Cannes...)

I'm burying this news a bit because it's been covered everywhere else, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it: Andy Serkis and Ian McKellen have apparently signed on for Guillermo Del Toro's THE HOBBIT. Hugo Weaving was also announced, but has told Moviehole that he's not signed anything yet, nor had any discussion about it yet. Don't despair -- he sounds quite open to it, but nothing's been finalised yet.

AWARDS, FESTIVALS AND SCREENINGS

2009 Melbourne International Film Festival

I've said it before: MIFF is like Christmas for me. (Christmas is like Cannes for me, I won't go into that now.) Over two weeks of films from around the globe -- who wouldn't love that? MIFF recently returned from Cannes with a swag of goodies, including Quentin Tarantino's INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS, Bong Joon-Ho's MOTHER, Andrea Arnold's FISH TANK, and Lars Von Trier's ANTICHRIST. (I'm torn with ANTICHRIST -- I swore I'd never sit through another Von Trier film, but can I afford to miss a film as notorious as this? I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this. Talkback below! I'll even read them this time.) I'm also really hoping to catch the restored version of Godard's PIERROT LE FOU, which is playing part of MIFF's Anna Karina tribute. Please, can it be July already?

Toy Story Trilogy 3D

I must confess, the email I sent back to the Disney publicist in response to the following press release was overexcited and overenthusiastic. Not my most professional moment, but who cares? When films are as brilliant as TOY STORY (the film I claimed could never be topped) and TOY STORY 2 (the film that topped it), I think you're allowed to act like a hyperactive child. Especially when we discover that the Digital 3D releases of the first two films is not just confined to the US! Both Australia and New Zealand will see the first two films released in both 3D and 2D format on January 21, 2010. This will be in advance of the TOY STORY 3 release on June 24th! Seems that unlike WALL-E and UP, we'll be getting TOY STORY 3 at roughly the same time as the US -- great news!

BOX OFFICE

I held off my review of LAND OF THE LOST, partly because I found it to be so extraordinarily bad, I didn't want to spend any more time thinking about it. But I'll excise those demons here: it's the laziest film I've ever seen. If you're not one of the unlucky masses who have helped make it to number three, continue your blissful ignorance. You'll be the better for it.

1. THE HANGOVER
2. TERMINATOR: SALVATION
3. LAND OF THE LOST
4. NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2
5. I LOVE YOU MAN

RELEASED THESE PAST THREE WEEK

Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich, the AICN-referencing STAR WARS-themed film finally gets a limited run, I love Ed Helms, I love Paul Rudd, I love Michael Caine, to hell with this film, a Jewish woman and a Chinese boy teach each other the value of marginally-different chicken soup recipes, Sandra Bullock shocks the world by appearing in a low-grade romantic comedy, Amy Adams and Emily Blunt have an indie darling-off, the fourth TERMINATOR film isn't nearly as bad as I was expecting, Joaquin Phoenix appears in his final ever role before his scheduled descent into madness, and two of my favourite comic actors appear in a film that doesn't look too hot.

DISGRACE
FANBOYS
THE HANGOVER
I LOVE YOU MAN
IS ANYBODY THERE?
LAND OF THE LOST
NOODLE
THE PROPOSAL
SHALL WE KISS
SUNSHINE CLEANING
TERMINATOR: SALVATION
TWO LOVERS
YEAR ONE

REVIEWS

TRANSFORMERS: RISE OF THE FALLEN

Australian/NZ release: June 24

Note: this will be an entirely spoiler-free review.

This is not because the movie has any particularly impressive twists and turns, or because I think you should all go in as fresh and possible, but rather it's that I have no fucking idea what happened.

I'm not even kidding. This film is almost completely impenetrable. Oh sure, it looks like a big Hollywood blockbuster, but as bad as they can sometimes get, at least they're relatively simply to follow. This film is all over the place, and I'm not even sure the audience is expected to follow what's going on.

What I would like is for this to be an anger-fuelled review. You know the type. Where they took some property I loved, or even liked, and distorted it beyond belief, creating something that offended every one of my sensibilities. Those reviews can be a lot of fun to read, as well as a lot of fun to write.

Unfortunately, I wasn't angry. I was just bored. Yes, bored. Big explosions and CGI creatures are not interesting just because they're BIG. It takes about five minutes to get desensitised to all the Big Stuff Happening, and so for the remaining seven hours you're just numb. CGI should work for your story, not the other way around. And I'm not saying that from the point of view of an analytical critic; I'm guessing a lot of the audience is going to feel the same way, even if many of them can't articulate why. When mega-huge Transformers are climbing up the side of a pyramid, you don't for a second believe that's what you're watching. You're watching an exercise in large-scale CGI, and that lack of engagement is what makes it dull. No attempt is made to engage us with the story, so you end up just ticking off each scene as it runs through the predictable motions.

I'd have been more impressed had the CGI been better. The Transformers, I'm sorry to say, have not improved since the first film. They're too busy, there's too damn much going on. If you're going to do anything with the core idea of a Transformer, then I should be amazed at how all the parts folds into one another, how a robot can become a truck. Instead, we're blinded by an infinite number of moving parts that mean nothing. As if someone waved streamers in your face and then showed you a semi-trailer.

The dialogue is, it must be said, fucking terrible. Look, I'm not expecting Mamet when I go into one of these things (although, who wouldn't love to see Mamet write a TRANSFORMERS?), but this is just unforgivably bad. Are those two African American robot car things supposed to be funny? I don't understand. Are we supposed to like them? Did the poor woman who plays Shia's mother ever stop to point out her dialogue is the worst ever given to an actress? Oh, I know middle-aged people saying "shit" a lot is really funny in and of itself, but after a while the joke starts to wear thin, you know? And why is one of the deep-voiced dignified Autobots saying "Damn, I'm good" like he's recording catchphrases for his toy? Who fucking wrote this shit?

Well, two of the writers were Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the guys I praised for delivering me a STAR TREK film I actually loved. I'm at a loss. I loved TREK, so much so that I was willing to forgive some minor flaws and inconsistencies. How did they go from that to this? Maybe it's Ehren Kruger. I don't know. Kruger did write the terrific ARLINGTON ROAD. Dammit. Who is to blame? Who can I throw stones at? Who was responsible for the line -- and I swear, this is verbatim -- "I'm just an ordinary kid with ordinary problems". Guys, I think that was a suggestion for characterisation, not a dialogue note.

I know this reviews is a bit all over the place, but that's appropriate given the film is as well. And I know it sounds like I'm angry, but I'm not. I'm enthusiastically confused.

But hey, it's not all bad. The film does somehow manage to be closer to three hours than two. If nothing else, rest assured that what the film lacks in quality, it more than makes up for in length.

Just don't bother.

NEXT WEEK

- Two reporters at the Washington Post discover a demonic child is trying to bring down the Democratic Party in ALL THE PRESIDENT'S OMEN

- In response to Rob Zombie continually making films with Michael Myers, Mike Myers plans his revenge with a film about kleptomaniac undead

- After coming across a first edition of Milton's "Paradise Lost", producers hastily commission a comedy about a young couple living in a Loft in the fictitious New York borough of Paradife

Peace out,

Latauro
AICNDownunder@hotmail.com



Readers Talkback
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  • June 19, 2009, 8:16 p.m. CST

    That Transformers review

    by BacardiRocky

    Was really done by McG. You know it, I know it, we all know it.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:16 p.m. CST

    It's about time

    by TheAllSeeingEye

    We had a Transformers review. I just got back from Seeing it and I thought it was great. Some nice nods to the comic too and even some old school transformers mythos in there with The Matrix of Leadership

  • June 19, 2009, 8:16 p.m. CST

    Should I have said first?

    by BacardiRocky

    First? Or is it second? Fuck it, who cares.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:17 p.m. CST

    or third

    by BacardiRocky

  • June 19, 2009, 8:17 p.m. CST

    I hated the first TF...

    by Giant_Dick_Bag_Filled_With_Taco_Meat

    ...the first few times I watched it.<br><br>Still kind of do but I recognize it's just a turn your brain off kind of affair.<br><br>One would have thought Bay would have ironed out a lot of the cringe worthy elements from the first one but this is sounding even more awful than the first.<br><br>Two wise cracking "black" robots? Crying robots? Robots with testicles? This just sounds terrible.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:17 p.m. CST

    No suprise... transformers suck.

    by Mr Willi

    It is Michael Bay after all. And, yeah, Optimus dies.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:19 p.m. CST

    Sadly though

    by TheAllSeeingEye

    The review here is mistaken. The FX are way better than the original movie. <br><br> Plus it seems Laturo was expecting Citizen Kane

  • June 19, 2009, 8:20 p.m. CST

    The best film I've seen in a while

    by ElvisPresLeeHorsleyHarveyOswaldOprahWinFreeJackHorkheimer

    Was BRONSON<br /> Anybody else watch it yet?<br />

  • June 19, 2009, 8:22 p.m. CST

    OLDBOY won't be watered down. So shut the fuck up

    by Proman1984

    SPR and Munuch weren't "watered" down. So enough of that preemptive crap.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:22 p.m. CST

    i actually like TF1

    by BacardiRocky

    It was a bit of a departure from the Transformers I grew up with (G1) but I thought it was done well. Especially when you look at the budget it had. Look at Transformers 1 and its 150 Million dollar budget then look at Spider-Man 3's 258 Million Dollar Budget and tell me which one looked better. I can't wait till next week to judge this film for myself.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:23 p.m. CST

    wow, what a shock

    by steelerman

    transformers got a bad review on aicn. may as well cancel the movie no one is going to see it now

  • June 19, 2009, 8:23 p.m. CST

    I hated the first one

    by GreenRiver

    Everyone else seems to like it. <p> Not sure why. <p> Anyways, I think the problem is Bay. I don't know how much power Orci and Kurtzman had on this one. I have nothing to back up my supposition. But I think Bay has veto over everything and this is the kind of movie he wants so this is the kind of movie he gets. <p> Hell, this could be another huge success. But I don't think it will be as big as the first. The only thing the first had going for it were the FX, the humor, and Megan Fox. Audiences will need much more than the FX this time to keep them occupied. And if this movie offers nothing more, then you can kiss a trilogy goodbye. <p> But what do I know? Pirates of the Caribbean II got pretty mediocre reviews and yet made huge money. <p> Truth is, no one ever really knows for sure what audiences will go for.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:26 p.m. CST

    I know I'm going

    by lockesbrokenleg

    And I'll see all you pricks there Tuesday midnight. Stay off your fucking cell phone to the AICN hotline.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:26 p.m. CST

    Michael Bay is the greatest director of all time

    by Trannyformers_Apologist

    He is a visionary and a genius who is way ahead of his time<P> Hopefully his greatness will be recognized by following generations <P> Shit comedy and poorly shot incoherent robot action is all the public really wants

  • June 19, 2009, 8:28 p.m. CST

    "Who fucking wrote this shit?"

    by MiloDC

    "Well, two of the writers were Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, the guys I praised for delivering me a STAR TREK film I actually loved. I'm at a loss. I loved TREK, so much so that I was willing to forgive some minor flaws and inconsistencies. How did they go from that to this?" Star Trek's writing was really weak, dude. That movie was all Abrams. Kurtzman and Orci are utter hacks.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:28 p.m. CST

    This is going to get a third installment....

    by TheAllSeeingEye

    I've not seen movies sold out like this for a long time. I had to get tickets to the last showing at 10.30pm and drive to a cinema 22 miles away to get a seat. My local cinema was sold out from 4pm onwards; In hindsight, I could have waited until tommorow but I'm a sucker for opening night.<br><br>You don't really need to read a review; if you hated the first one you'll hate this. But it seems Kurtzman and Orci have actually gone out of their way to actually read some TF comics or got some outside help in. There's certainly more recognisable TF Mythos in there; Matrix of Leadership for one.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:33 p.m. CST

    HA HA, because back then an "S" looked like an "F"

    by SoylentMean

    That's actually pretty fucking funny. <P> So, there's an AICN Down Under huh? Are you constantly on the lookout for killer snakes and spiders? Because Discovery Channel and Animal Planet make Australia sound scary as fuck.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:33 p.m. CST

    The Hobbit is a remake!

    by chrth

    Down down to goblin town, down down to goblin town

  • June 19, 2009, 8:37 p.m. CST

    by ganymede3010

  • June 19, 2009, 8:39 p.m. CST

    Bullshit, there's tons of reviews on TFW2005, 99% good

    by ganymede3010

    Another talentless film reviewer doing the predictable unoriginal thing by bashing the biggest movie of the summer. Critics hate critic proof movies. Allot TF fans have seen it already and they all liked it, so I'll take their work over some bloke from down under.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:39 p.m. CST

    The critics raped my childhood!

    by Trannyformers_Apologist

    Money equals quality <P> It's not Shakespeare<P>What did you expect.. it's based off a dumb cartoon to sell toys<P> It is all just a conspiracy against Bay<P> Critics are just snobby elitist you don't know how to have a good time<P> You will still be there on opening day<P> It's just "fun leave your brain at the door "popcorn entertainment <P> You are stupid for excepting a decent plot, marginal character development, mediocre acting, and average dialogue.. it's a Bay Blockbuster NOT SHAKESPEARE!

  • June 19, 2009, 8:40 p.m. CST

    Nick Gianopolis...

    by MaxTheSilent

    ...has been milking the same lame five jokes for 25 years. And it's made him a LOT of money, so what do I know...

  • June 19, 2009, 8:42 p.m. CST

    Funny how AICN chose to post a negative review.

    by ganymede3010

    The first reviews from IGN, the Hollywood Reporter and Variety were positive reviews. I emailed you each and everyone of them too. And once you get your hands on a negative review you go out of your way post it. The only reason you did that is to drive up site traffic because there's surely going to be an epic flame way about everything Michael Bay and Transformers. Nice trick assholes, some of us are on to you.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:43 p.m. CST

    Well lemme see, run down the checklist...

    by Sal_Bando

    1: Does it have Giant Robots? IT DOES!<p> 2: Does it have ALOT of Giant Robots?? Why yes-42!<p> 3: Do they fight? Of course.<p> 4: Do they turn into trucks, cars, planes, etc? That's the general idea...<p> 5: Do you get to see Megan Fox do her fuckme doll routine? D'OH!<p> 6: Do good robots and bad robots hit each other all thru the movie? Yes yes yes.<p> 7: Does the military get to blow things up? It's a Mikey Bay film-of Course!<p> 8: Are there alotta explosions? Are you kidding? Looks like a Pinto factory.<p> 9: Does Shia go 'nononononono!'?! Of course. It's his trademark.<p> 10: Are there Giant Robots? YES!<p> I'm there.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:44 p.m. CST

    I was expecting Citizen Kane?

    by Latauro

    Dude, I like Terminator Salvation. If that doesn't scream "Easy to please", then I don't know what does.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:44 p.m. CST

    I FUCKIN' KNEW IT!

    by SigourneyWeaversBeaver

    I really liked the first Transformers movie. But I had a feeling this one was going to be overkill. All the reviews I've read so far have been consistent, confirming my fears.<br><br> I used to defend Bay (ok, not Pearl Harbor, that was just. . ugh). Anyway, I have a feeling after watching TF2, my eyes will finally be open to the true spectacle that is 'BAY SHITACLE'. and I will then join the flock, known as Bay Haters, not to confuse with the Rat Haters (I still like Ratner).<br><br> God help us all next week! Maybe North Korea will attack the U.S. stopping the shit that's about to come.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:46 p.m. CST

    Remakes...

    by droids22

    I wish someone would remake the star wars prequels.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:46 p.m. CST

    And Optimus Prime doesn't DIE!!!!

    by ganymede3010

    He goes into "stasis-shock" after his duel with Megatron and Starscream. He's then revived shortly after. So please stop the disinformation.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:48 p.m. CST

    Then Laturo we're polar opposites..

    by TheAllSeeingEye

    Since Terminator Salvation was a huge steaming turd of a movie that flip flopped all over the place and easily featured dialog which makes TF2 look Laurence of Arabia.<br><br>Were there elements in there that were cringeworthy? Yes, rare to not see shit in a movie these days but, dude, seriously, if you can rate Terminator Salvation over Transformers 2 then something, somewhere is wrong.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:49 p.m. CST

    Good Transformers review

    by KEVIN_COSTNERS_RECYCLED_PISS

    "If you're going to do anything with the core idea of a Transformer, then I should be amazed at how all the parts folds into one another, how a robot can become a truck. Instead, we're blinded by an infinite number of moving parts that mean nothing. As if someone waved streamers in your face and then showed you a semi-trailer". Spot on... this is EXACTLY the problem I have with Michael Bay's version of Transformers. That and all the other stuff.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:56 p.m. CST

    Spoilers: Revenge of the Fallen Novel

    by AxeEmAll

    Judge for yourself if Revenge of the Fallen is one of the best films this summer: The blonde that Sam meets in college is a Decepticon disguised as a girl. She is given the nickname "Alice", since it was a copy of a humanoid Honda robot taken from an ad. This blonde seduces Sam, and as she inserts a probe (its “tongue” ) into his mouth to "hack" his brain, Mikaela enters his room and sees the girl on top of her boyfriend, and that pisses her off. Jetfire WAS a Decepticon that shifted allegiance to the Autobots. He was one of the original Seekers of the Allspark that reached earth thousands of years ago. When his “batteries ran out,” it must be that he is automatically programmed to retain the ability to copy any machine from a cart to whatever technology that existed throughout history while he lay dormant (not sure if this would be explained in the movie, which could be a source of a plot hole). Wheels, the Decepticon that Mikaela captures in her dad’s garage and after being threatened by a blowtorch, leads her, Sam, his geeky dorm mate, and Simmons to the Smithsonian to wake up Jetfire using that sliver of the Allspark that Sam had. Optimus Prime goes into stasis after being stabbed by Megatron (Optimus goes mano-o-mano with both Starscream and Megatron in that forest in the trailer. Optimus is not really dead, but it would take like hundreds or thousands of years for his body to repair itself). Sam ACTUALLY DIES, and while he is being revived, he sees a “heaven” vision of the original Primes and direct ancestors of Optimus, who were murdered by the Fallen, informing the teen that they have chosen him to own the Matrix of Leadership (It is the dagger-like thingy that Sam picks from the ground in the trailer; this was produced by the AllSpark thousands of years ago as a key to a machine atop the Pyramid of Giza that can destroy a star -our sun in this case- and transform it into Energon, a secondary energy source just in case the AllSpark gets destroyed). He hears Mikaela tell him “I love you.” And when he finally wakes up, his first words are “I love you.” A minor plot involves the fact that they haven’t said “I love you” to each other and each were challenging the other as to who should say it first, which complicates matters since Mikaela witnessed first-hand Sam’s propensity to be disloyal to him when he is far away from her. Sam uses the Matrix of Leadership crystal to revive Optimus' Spark. Before dying, Jetfire requests that his wings be given to Optimus Prime so that the latter could get to the Giza Pyramid fast, to stop the Fallen from activating the machine that could destroy the sun. Simmons has a major role in the film and becomes a hero of sorts. After being fired from Sector 7, he spends his time in his mother's deli, and he keeps a secret attic above his mom's restaurant, blogging with the name "Robo Warrior" who happens to be discovered by Sam's geek dorm mate. Simmons is responsible for helping out a U.S. Carrier with coordinates to destroy Devastator by sneaking under the biggest Decepticon ever. And Mikaela gives Simmons a flying kiss for helping her and Sam. I'm not sure how they would explain why Arcee is a girl, or the concept of trans-dimensional travel. At the end of the movie, once Optimus defeats the Fallen, Megatron and Starscream escape through a portal, a continuum a.k.a. trans-dimensional travel, and enter another dimension where the ship called the Nemesis is located. Megatron summoned the Fallen from this place. His last words are "Arise!" as he wakes up the other robots in sarcophagi in this ship. Megatron wanted to be a Prime, which is why he promised to work for his Master, the Fallen. Optimus, however, tells Megatron that he was deceived by the Fallen, since Primes are born--not made. The Fallen is a Prime that murdered Optimus’ ancestors, which is why Optimus is an orphan and the last of the Primes.

  • June 19, 2009, 8:56 p.m. CST

    Unleash VERN!!!

    by Marksd99

    Vern's review for the last Transformers was probably my favourite review i have ever read (check it out http://www.aintitcool.com/node/33228). And someone needs to give Bayformers 2 the kicking it richly deserves... FOR FUCK'S SAKE one transformer had a walking stick and farted and another one humped Megan Fox's leg and noone on set thought to say anything!!! If a retard was repeatedly walking into a glass door, someone would stop them right? So why is nobody saying anything when Bay makes another movie!!!

  • June 19, 2009, 8:59 p.m. CST

    Star Trek sucked, and so does this

    by GeorgieBoy

    You're blind if you think Star Trek was good. That movie was a total mess. The plot made no sense, the science was awful, the acting was over the top, and the lens flare was ridiculous.<br><br> No, I'm <b>NOT</b> surprised that Transformers 2 sucked because the same people who wrote Star Trek wrote this. BOTH MOVIES SUCK BECAUSE THE WRITERS SUCK!

  • June 19, 2009, 8:59 p.m. CST

    TOY STORY 2 did not top TOY STORY! WTF!

    by Orionsangels

    It had a lame villain and crappy boring chase at airport for an ending. Not to mention an ugly city feeling. The reason why TOY STORY 2 is held in high regard is because the ones who like it, seem to be obsessed with the overly sappy Jessie backstory segment, that's sad and tender and oscar winning song, awwww. Who cares! Toy Story is original and up there with Snow White as one of the greatest animated movies ever made!

  • June 19, 2009, 9:06 p.m. CST

    orci must be blackmailing someone

    by animas

    to keep getting gigs

  • June 19, 2009, 9:07 p.m. CST

    why the fuck

    by robamenta

    do people always think that a fun summer movie has to be stupid? why the hell cant it be smart? look at aliens or empire strikes back

  • June 19, 2009, 9:09 p.m. CST

    even australians call them African Americans?

    by BMacSmith

    thats kinda weird.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:11 p.m. CST

    AxeEmAll: are you trying to get me excited about TF2?

    by BMacSmith

    whats with you posting the stupid novel? it sounds every bit as retarded as i expected.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:11 p.m. CST

    Rise of the fallen?

    by The Dark Shite

    Might wanna get the name of the movie right first.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:12 p.m. CST

    This will make tons of dough guaranteeing a third and...

    by ZombieHeathLedger

    Bay will definitely be directing it regardless of his recent comments. Follow the money. How else will Bay pay for those porn hookers? With old DVD copies of Bad Boys 2? Btw, TMZ has been running a pretty fucking funny feature on Megan Fox apparently having wonky weird thumbs. They're huge! http://tinyurl.com/na8wst

  • June 19, 2009, 9:14 p.m. CST

    So the reviwer couldn't follow it, and thus it is bad?

    by lockesbrokenleg

    Shit, people are stupid if you can't follow a Transformers movie.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:15 p.m. CST

    NEWSFLASH ASSHOLES! YOU CANT TURN YOUR BRAIN OFF

    by BMacSmith

    turns out, you're just fucking stupid and are easily entertained. i like goofy fun action movies as much as the next guy, but there is a huge difference between those kinds of movies and the pathetic, talentless, UNFUN, boring shit like Michael Bay's Transformers.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:16 p.m. CST

    Megan Fox's thumbs

    by BacardiRocky

    It looks like she has Big toes for thumbs.........Fuck it, she can have nubs at the end of her wrists, I'm still fucking.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:18 p.m. CST

    Crank 2

    by AxeEmAll

    Many love Crank 2. It's got a lot more action than Transformers 2!

  • June 19, 2009, 9:18 p.m. CST

    I fully expect you haters to stay home.

    by ganymede3010

    So stop crying over a movie you're not going to see. Right? Wrong! Of-course your hypocritical asses are going to see it.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:19 p.m. CST

    Crank 2 NEVER pauses, unlike Revenge of the Fallen

    by AxeEmAll

    NUFF SAID

  • June 19, 2009, 9:23 p.m. CST

    I will never see this.

    by The Gospel According to Bastardface

    The first one was so fucking amazingly shit, I'd need a fucking lobotomy before I'd consider spending money to watch more of the same.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:24 p.m. CST

    Transformers sucked????

    by CUbANKeV

    For real?You can`t be serious.It has Michael Bay,the greatest director in the world,and it`s got Shia,the next Brando,surely there must be some mistake.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:25 p.m. CST

    Ian McKellen is 12 years older...

    by Kid Z

    ...and is going to play a character that's supposed to be decades younger than he was in the LOTR trilogy. Huh? They aren't going to use that CGI "mannequinization" app they used on Patrick Stewart in Wolverine are they?

  • June 19, 2009, 9:34 p.m. CST

    With all the makeup you won't tell the difference

    by KEVIN_COSTNERS_RECYCLED_PISS

    McKellen is 70 now, he's not going to look all that different now than he did a decade ago is he?

  • June 19, 2009, 9:35 p.m. CST

    too many fucking words...

    by Noddy93

    fuck jesus man.... i feel like sending you a bill for services rendered.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:36 p.m. CST

    Bay's Pearl Harbor was the only movie...

    by Kid Z

    ...that ever pissed off my dad. And my dad's one of those dads who NEVER gets pissed off at anything. He actually said, "Who do they think they are fucking history up the ass like that? It's a disgrace!" It was one of about only 3 times I ever heard him use the f-word in my life. Thanks for that Michael Bay! ADHD retard. Oh yeah, Orci and whoever, after "writing" JJ Trek should be relegated to only being allowed to write scripts for gay snuff porn, and forced to star in the resulting snuff films as the "snuffees"!

  • June 19, 2009, 9:44 p.m. CST

    Transformers makes you stupid.

    by Monkey Butler

    I enjoyed Transformers when I saw it opening night. It was even more fun listening to the hardcore TF nerds in front of me picking it apart to each other through the whole thing. I knew exactly what I was going to get - gratuitous shots of a mad hot chick, lots of explosions, and pretty awesome CGI. But I enjoyed it in the same way you enjoy McDonald's - you know it's bad for you, it's ultimately unsatisfying, leaves you still feeling hungry, and you really don't want to make a habit of eating there because you might turn into one of those fat stupid fucks who eat at McDonald's, but fuck it, sometimes you just can't be bothered to eat anywhere else. Even as I was watching it and enjoying it, I knew that it was an objectively shit movie, for all the reasons in the article. And there's not a doubt in my mind that TF2 will be just as bad, if not worse, but that I'll also see it and get sucked in for another 2.5 hours. What really gets me about this movie though, and what really wasn't covered in the article, is the aggressive stupidity of it all. I'm not talking plot holes, I mean like a desire to be stupid. So you've got giant alien robots learning ethnic stereotype personalities from the internet and then pissing on high-ranking government officials, who make jokes about a mobile phone company "knowing the way of the samurai". Comic relief is all when and good - it's more than appropriate in a movie like this - but that doesn't mean you have to act like a retard, and therefore treat your entire audience like retards. This is another of the things that looks set to stay the same in the sequel. There's a clip somewhere of the two fucking stupid twin robots being asked if they can read something. They respond that "we don't do much reading". Yeah, not being able to read is fucking hilarious. Fuck you.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:46 p.m. CST

    AxeEmAll...

    by pdennett316

    Are you shitting me? Is that what goes on in this movie or are you just great at writing random shit down? <p> If that actually happens.....good god it'll be shit, and I liked the first movie. Please tell me you're winding me up.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:53 p.m. CST

    OLDBOY won't get made.

    by Harry Weinstein

    TRANSFORMERS 2 is the new type of AIDS in Kenny Powers' birdbath.

  • June 19, 2009, 9:59 p.m. CST

    Kurtzman & Orci suck!

    by Zandunga

    They are only ever good when there is someone else to polish their turds and make them semi-decent. For example, the Star Trek movie works because Damon Lindelof and JJ Abrams were on hand to reign them in and fix the script. <p> But when you leave these two idiots to their own devices, you get...let's see: The Island, the two garbage Transformers movies, Zorro 2 (compare their shit work with what Elliot & Rossio did for part 1), etc. They're hacks, but since American audiences are hopelessly stupid (yes, I am American as well), they keep racking up new projects. Every one of you dolts that pays to see Transformers 2 is subsidizing this rubbish. You're sending a signal to Hollyood that you will gladly have another serving of pigslop rammed up your ass. And they will oblige in spades.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:08 p.m. CST

    I Will Be There To See TF2

    by dogstardude

    Not as a picture of any narrative quality. Michael Bay is one of the great avant-garde artists of our time. Think about it. He doesn't care about plot or character or coherence. He's like what would happen if you gave Stan Brakhage $250 Million dollars! <p> He's one of the luckiest guys out there. Pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into something which is pretty much nothing more than colours flashing at lightning speed. I'll be sitting in the front row so as to absorb the maximum amount of Bay's admirable artistic vision.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:16 p.m. CST

    TF2 40% on Rotten Tomatoes

    by Kobaal

    And even the 'fresh' reviews say it's shit. The following are all quotes from 'positive' reviews:<p> "it would be hard to make a case for ‘Revenge of the Fallen’ as ‘good’ in any normal sense of the word"<p> "ticks all the right boxes with the fanboys...the rest of us might suffer metal fatigue"<p> "he doesn't have the smarts to make something that sticks in the memory"<p> "the novelty factor and some of the charm’s gone"<p> "It’s like watching a blender for two hours while someone shouts at you"<p>

  • June 19, 2009, 10:18 p.m. CST

    dogstardude

    by Latauro

    You seriously took the words out my mouth. I've been working on a piece where I state that there's practically no difference between Michael Bay and Lars von Trier! Stay tuned for that one.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:19 p.m. CST

    Hey Sal_Bando, you forgot some

    by Wonder Man

    11. Can you see any of it? NO 12. Can you tell, spatially, what the fuck's going on from one second to the next? NO 13. Does any of the action make a lick of visual sense? NO Just wanted the list to be complete. Hope you enjoy it!

  • June 19, 2009, 10:25 p.m. CST

    The critics don't like it because there's to much fighting.

    by ganymede3010

    Bay delivered exactly what the fans wanted. More Robots kicking ass, and that's what we got. Deal with it. Go watch hamlet if prefer to enamored by overwritten dialogue.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:26 p.m. CST

    Michael Bay is to blame! Not Kurtzman and Orci!

    by Browncoat_Jedi

    Don't you remember, the writer's strike was going on and Bay said he wrote the first draft himself because he had to get the production going. Kurtzman and Orci just couldn't save a script written by Michael Bay. No one could.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:27 p.m. CST

    Hahaha.

    by midgarddragon

    "The Transformers, I'm sorry to say, have not improved since the first film." Saying the exact opposite of every other review, even the other negative ones, just proves this is a ludicrous, ill-considered, incorrect review. "Bay delivered exactly what the fans wanted. More Robots kicking ass, and that's what we got. Deal with it." Truth.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:28 p.m. CST

    Scratch that itch

    by tatoosh

    Go ahead and see Antichrist, then write one of those anger-fuelled reviews that are fun to write, 'cause I like to read em.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:29 p.m. CST

    Ganymede3010....

    by seniorspeilbergio

    Uh, excuse me but I read the Hollywood Reporter and Variety reviews and those ain't positive. Hollywood Reporter called it tedious and way too long. Variety referred to it as machinelike. Maybe you need to read them again. and the thing is, those industry publications NEVER give bad reviews but you're right. I will be seeing this, in the same way i saw the first: when I go back to Trinidad and watch my little nephews' pirated version he bought from a vendor on the side of the road.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:32 p.m. CST

    shia on conan or cera on letterman

    by animas

    which one to watch?

  • June 19, 2009, 10:34 p.m. CST

    by zcapcomkid

    They're going to remake STAR WARS. They're going to remake APOCALYPSE NOW. They're going to remake THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, TAXI DRIVER, LORD OF THE RINGS and A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. It's inevitable. "YUP!"I kept telling people but they just won't listen...If robocop is being remade...the wrath is comming...were gonna see CASABLANCA in a couple of year..just watch.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:35 p.m. CST

    SHUT UP, GRANDMA!!!!!!

    by Nasty In The Pasty

    "Angry black guy" humor is ALWAYS funny...

  • June 19, 2009, 10:36 p.m. CST

    Waaa! I can't follow this one robot hitting this other robot!

    by lockesbrokenleg

    WAAAAAAAAA!!!

  • June 19, 2009, 10:38 p.m. CST

    Didn't critics LIKE the first one?

    by lockesbrokenleg

    Or was everyone lying back then and they just wanted to see their names in print?

  • June 19, 2009, 10:41 p.m. CST

    Dood, they're re-making Robocop

    by zcapcomkid

    They're going to remake STAR WARS. They're going to remake APOCALYPSE NOW. They're going to remake THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, TAXI DRIVER, LORD OF THE RINGS and A CLOCKWORK ORANGE. It's inevitable. "I was telling people back when episode 1 came out 10 years ago. Because they were doing the prequels 1-3. They're going to re-make those ones from the 70s and 80s...thats why re-makes are done, because people think everything is better now because it was 30 years ago...maybe people made movies with more passion back then..I think.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:42 p.m. CST

    GREAT REVIEW - Clever and fun.

    by BillyMayesHere

  • June 19, 2009, 10:43 p.m. CST

    CRANK 2 SUCKED

    by BillyMayesHere

  • June 19, 2009, 10:44 p.m. CST

    to whom it may concern (see above)

    by BillyMayesHere

  • June 19, 2009, 10:45 p.m. CST

    TF2 bites.

    by Darkman

    In other news, water is wet and the sky is blue. <br><br> I'm in total agreement with the guy that said that Vern needs to review it. His review for the first movie = solid gold.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:46 p.m. CST

    'If Baz Luhrmann directs, I might actually see this.'

    by quantize

    Latauro - I take that you mean because that will absolutely ensure it is a perfectly formed noxious turd - precisely the kind Screen Australia should be completely avoiding...! if thats what you mean...AMEN brother.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:56 p.m. CST

    yes, that above review of the book of the movie is correct.

    by castaway

    I read it and thought about trying to post a spoiler heavy review for the site (for consideration) but yes there is a "human" transformer in it that tries to kill Sam in his dorm (it supposedly is in that one part of the trailer where a bookcase in a college library explodes outward but they just cut away before you can see the thing, it sounded really HP Lovecraft "her head exploded into tentacles), one of the 2 robots that are smaller than the rest has a lisp, a government official proclaims that they think they can do diplomacy with Megatron and tell the Autobots to stand down, a tiny Transformer uses a worm-like robot to scan Sam's brain for AllSpark information about how to help "The Fallen," the government had been given the shard of the AllSpark that Optimus had for safekeeping as a show of resolute unity against the Decepticon threat, said shard is then taken by Ravage who uses tiny cell-sized transformers that come out of his nose to steal the shard and when they have it Ravage snorts them back up, Soundwave manipulates an orbiting satellite so the governments of the world don't yet know of the fighting in Egypt, and there is a giant dose of black stereotyping in the movie when Sam needs to relay a message to the 2 soldiers from the first film and the black soldier's wife encodes the message to her husband as if she desparately wants plastic surgery and sounds like she is going off on her husband like some trashy talk show guest (Maury Povich, Jerry Springer). I had fun with it even though in certain ways I thought it ripped off National Treasure and The Mummy Returns. The one line that I could not get over from it was when Sam's conspiracy theory loving dorm mate says "Give me a cookie bitch" to the Sector 7 agent working in the deli. He might be the character that gets on everyone's nerves in this film but for me his character slowly got less annoying and shrill...Still going to see this sucker Tuesday night at midnight and I cannot wait.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:58 p.m. CST

    Ganymede

    by Monkey Butler

    Go watch hamlet if prefer to enamored by overwritten dialogue. <p> I just think that needed to be repeated. A Transformers fan incoherently bashing Shakespeare. Incredible.

  • June 19, 2009, 10:58 p.m. CST

    Ohh, another fanboy hates a transformers movie. WOW!

    by Yamato

    Well, you lost me when you liked that raping of Star Trek. Rape Indiana Jones!?! Compared with what happened to Roddenberry this spring, Indiana just got a little bit felt up when the fridge got nuked.

  • June 19, 2009, 11 p.m. CST

    David Mamet's Transformers:

    by Proman1984

    Who are you? I'm Megatron. You're Megatron? I'm Megatron. (This isn't going anywhere so I'm done - hey, at least I didn't to a lame profanity joke). P.S. I'm a huge Mamet fan.

  • June 19, 2009, 11:01 p.m. CST

    The problem with reviewers on this site......

    by Miami Lice

    They rave about movies when released but bitch about them months later like we dont remember their reviews! And if Harry isn't getting royalties for some of his reviews, then he is fucked in the head. T:Salvation a flaming turd?! And you gave wolverine origins a pass?!! On another note, it'll be a long timr before starwars 4-6 will be remade, and then hopefully not Lucas

  • June 19, 2009, 11:05 p.m. CST

    Thanks Latauro

    by dogstardude

    I hated Bay for the longest time until I slowly started to realise that I was looking at his films the wrong way. Sure he toyed with comprehensible storylines in "The Rock" but he was never very good at it. What he is good at is "shooting for the edit" and making amazing looking flashy stuff which hammered itself into my synapses like a jackhammer. The game changed when Bay came back from the disaster that was Pearl Harbour. He must have realised that he was never going to be any good at putting a plot together, so he devoted himself entirely to becoming the most wildly over-funded experimental filmmaker out there. <p> By the way have you seen any of Sam Barrett's films? He's a young guy from Perth who made a ball-kicker of a home invasion movie last year.

  • June 19, 2009, 11:06 p.m. CST

    Yeah, this site is weird

    by lockesbrokenleg

    They hate the popular movies - you know - the ones that normal people like, while heaping praise on pieces of shit from the Las Vegas film festival.

  • June 19, 2009, 11:41 p.m. CST

    lockesbrokenleg...

    by dogstardude

    It's classic Frog in a Well stuff. The people who run this site and frequent it most are people who are movie fans and have seen cinema which blows away much of the "regular" content you get in a blockbuster for normal people in terms of story, action, lighting, pacing etc. You can't expect them to have the same reaction as they are coming from a vastly different context than the "average" moviegoer.

  • June 19, 2009, 11:41 p.m. CST

    Monkey, thanks for reminding us AICN needs an edit button

    by ganymede3010

    Thanks pal!

  • June 19, 2009, 11:42 p.m. CST

    I read the Revenge of the Fallen Novel twice...

    by AxeEmAll

    and yes I wasn't making it all up. :) I read it twice to understand it, since it has plot holes galore.

  • June 19, 2009, 11:47 p.m. CST

    So what they're saying is, Robot movies shouldn't be made

    by ganymede3010

    Because following cybernetic organisms on screen is just to much to ask of them. So instead of them just enjoying for what it is, they have to denigrate it because they're jealous that the movie is critic proof. No matter what these blowhards say, the fans will like it, the DVD will break even more records, and this movie will make 1 billion worldwide. Fuck off critics.

  • June 19, 2009, 11:48 p.m. CST

    What plot holes Axe, please elaborate.

    by ganymede3010

    You didn't read shit.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:21 a.m. CST

    If they remake A Clockwork Orange...

    by Mutilator

    ...I'm nuking Hollywood from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:23 a.m. CST

    But Inglorious Bastreds is a remake!

    by kafka07

    well not really because the story is a bit different. A lot of the same story elements are used though.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:38 a.m. CST

    I don't know. It's odd

    by lockesbrokenleg

    When a movie comes out, people love the shit out of it. Then when it hits DVD or a sequel comes out, they hate the shit out of it. It's just lazy.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:45 a.m. CST

    Megan Fox is wrong: It is important that there be SOME substance

    by Redmond

    You can't just shut the fuck up and turn your brain off, or whatever she said. Because without acting, story, character, some kind of emotional honesty or empathy, then what you're watching is a demolition derby, not a movie. Sorry. That's how I feel about it, and that's why I think Bayhem always falls short: it's not a movie, just a series of set pieces strung together with incompetently put together dialogue scenes where even the filmmakers don't seem like they really care.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:48 a.m. CST

    But the first movie made gazillions

    by lockesbrokenleg

    So it DID have something. If Raiders of the Lost Ark came out today, AICN would probably think it was shit.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:50 a.m. CST

    Georgie Boy: Thanks for pointing out the ST lens flare

    by Redmond

    Drove me fucking nuts! Lens flare in every single shot, which was the tip off that Abrams has no idea what he's doing with the camera so he just throws everything at it. I wouldn't say the movie itself was shit. but it definitely wasn't a Star Trek movie. Ironically, it felt like they just took all the ST iconography and jammed it into a Michael Bay movie.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:57 a.m. CST

    The robots haven't improved since the first film?

    by sonnyfern

    THEY ROCKED IN THE FIRST FILM! That shit was incredible...some of the best effects EVER...EEVVEERRR!!!!

  • June 20, 2009, 1:03 a.m. CST

    Georgie Boy whore

    by joshuavance1701

    Go fuck yourself. Star Trek kicked ass, that's all you need to concern yourself with.

  • June 20, 2009, 1:10 a.m. CST

    Red Dawn II:

    by InfiniteRegress

    Tomorrow The War Began.

  • June 20, 2009, 1:18 a.m. CST

    Next Week Laturo: Best Aussie movies reviewed...

    by Miami Lice

    Both of them!!

  • June 20, 2009, 1:21 a.m. CST

    sorry bout the typo Lat(a)uro!!

    by Miami Lice

    how come you dont have a black band in talkback posts like other AICN honchos?

  • June 20, 2009, 1:23 a.m. CST

    Cameron

    by imagin78

    There is still hope. James Cameron is returning to school hacks like Michael Bay in the correct way to film a proper action movie.

  • June 20, 2009, 1:37 a.m. CST

    Wow, this is the most posts I've ever seen for this column

    by lockesbrokenleg

    Way to go

  • June 20, 2009, 1:42 a.m. CST

    Avatar- already 5 out of 5 stars by AICN...

    by Miami Lice

    Cameron's probably already starting a sequel!!

  • June 20, 2009, 2:25 a.m. CST

    I sent a review in yesterday

    by vadakinX

    Still no sign of it showing up. Oh well.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:28 a.m. CST

    Such bad coverage of Downunder

    by zany6669

    Thank Latauro for your fantastic summation of what's happening in OZ. I mean it's not like it would be interesting to even mention the Sydney Film Festival which has only just concluded and amongst other things featured John Woo appearing in person to present Red Cliff, a restored screening of Overlord with director Stuart Cooper in attendance along with the restored Wake In Fright presented, again in person, by director Ted Kotcheff. Other highlights included John Hurt, James Nesbitt, Oliver Herschbiegel, Lone Scherfig amongst others all being present and Bronson (the fantastic new film from Nicolas Winding Refn the director of the Pusher trilogy) winning the Sydney Film Prize, which is only the largest film prize in the whole of Australia and probably not worth mentioning hey? You actually run a column which should be called AICN: Melbourne not AICN: Downunder, please give us more reviews of giant hollywood blockbusters that mean very little to anyone but yourself.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:34 a.m. CST

    I nearly saw TF2

    by TinSpider

    But a friend, who liked the first piece of shit movie called me after seeing it and said not to bother as I'd hate it. He said it was just OK. This is from a guy that thought Batman and Robin and Godzilla were both brilliant and actually bought both on DVD! This is his level of taste. I'll wait for knock off nigel can get it for me.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:42 a.m. CST

    Zany6669

    by Latauro

    Fair point, even if you were unable to make it dickishly. I do go in search of news published elsewhere, but the majority of what I publish comes from press that is sent to me. SFF doesn't send me any info, and I found very info about it online when I did my round-up.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:46 a.m. CST

    "The Wog Boy"

    by Ray Gamma

    They'd better re-title it for the UK release.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:51 a.m. CST

    Latauro

    by zany6669

    Sorry for being "unable to make it dickishly" anyhow, would appreciate a broader view of Aus film news. Glad to have your news on Melbourne as it's actually quite interesting but all major press in Sydney (including online) covered the SFF, Sydney Morning Herald, The Australian, The ABC, Screen Hub etc etc, and Bronson is a film you should see. Additionally a great year for Australian cinema, Last Ride, Beautiful Kate, Missing Water, Van Diemen's Land, $9.99 all presented in the festival to great audience response and some very interesting Q & As in most instances. Maybe you should consider making it up to the SFF next year, if MIFF is Chrsitmas, SFF could be your Easter.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:05 a.m. CST

    Ganymede3010...

    by AxeEmAll

    Plot holes like it didn't explain how Arcee is a girl robot, or the concept of what a male or female is in the Transformers universe. Unless they could choose to be male or female, like that Alice Decepticon chick that seduced Sam. Or how did Jetfire transform into a jet when his "batteries" have run out hundreds of years ago. Or why do the robots have to travel to earth like meteorites when they could do trans-dimensional travel in the first place, as shown in Revenge of the Fallen. Still, I am certain I would enjoy the film despite its plot holes. The animated series was all about the robots anyway and the humans were relegated to the background, which is why it is nonsense that there are critics who say that the robots upstage the humans--which should be.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:08 a.m. CST

    Harry has already written up his positive review

    by BMacSmith

    just to stick it to McG. he's been planning it for months.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:10 a.m. CST

    the problem with Transformers 2 will be

    by BMacSmith

    every second without robots fighting will be unwatchable. and unfortunately they cant have robots fighting throughout the movie, or even half of it. Bay reads and writes on a 3rd grade level. im sorry but i'll just catch the FX demo reel and skip suffering through it in the theater.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:18 a.m. CST

    BMacSmith

    by foxthebloodied

    I saw it last night and you are 100% correct. The robot fights were awesome, everything else was a tedious unfunny mess. Also, why were the most prominent transformers in the entire movie walking racist stereotypes?

  • June 20, 2009, 3:29 a.m. CST

    plot holes

    by chandler55

    who cares if it doesnt explain how arcee is a girl, we dont even know how our species freaking evolved into male & female

  • June 20, 2009, 3:32 a.m. CST

    I guarentee I won't be seeing it.

    by Deathpool

    Mainly cause I just now got around to seeing the first Transformers. So I'll probably see this one the same way: in two years when the blu-ray is on sail for $15. I didn't think the first one was as bad as people made it out to be though.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:36 a.m. CST

    Proman1984

    by the_shogun_gunslinger

    you know who wasn't in Munich? Big Fuck'n Willy, thats who!!! That ass-clown is out to sell Happy Meals, not make good films. OLDBOY is my all time favorite film and the thought of the now talentless Beard and Will "Awww HELLLLLLL NAW" Smith being the "creative" force behind a remake of it makes me feel ill. <P> As far as TF2... well look.. i have a G1 Decepticon logo tattoo... I'll fuck'n be there. Why? Because I'll get to see a 50' Optimus on the big screen kicking the shit out of other big ass robots on the big screen. Sure I'll suffer thru some shit dialogue, but then I'll download the Bluray when it hits and when I need a TF fix, I'll watch all the action scenes and turn it off and resume my life. Its not that complicated.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:51 a.m. CST

    Axe those aren't plot holes, And you didn

    by ganymede3010

  • June 20, 2009, 3:58 a.m. CST

    Axe, those aren't plot holes, no way you read the novel.

    by ganymede3010

    Female bots have never been explained in Transformers. So why should Bay start doing it now? Jetire wasn't dead, he was low on energon. Also, the shots of them coming into earth as meteorites is for cinematic effect. Hence, it's movie. Now what you've just laid out doesn't equate to plot holes nothing you mentioned has anything to do with the plot.

  • June 20, 2009, 4:03 a.m. CST

    Actually...

    by Lemure_v2

    it's impossible to diss Transformers 2. Here we have a film based on some toys directed by Michael Bay. If you're expecting anything more than the sum of those parts then of course you won't like it. Lower your expectations, unplug your brain and just enjoy it. My cinema went crazy when Jetfire and Optimus combined.

  • June 20, 2009, 4:07 a.m. CST

    More Remakes of classics are indeed inevitable.

    by alucardvsdracula

    La, La land is run by a bunch of soulless coked up cock hungry executives who throw hundreds of millions of dollars at the likes of McG, Paul W S Anderson and Brett Ratner so what do you expect. It's all about demographics and the power of the teenage dollar at the box office. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS ANYMORE.

  • June 20, 2009, 5:04 a.m. CST

    Nobody gives a shit about making a quality movie anymore!

    by droids22

    I'm sure this movie was shot as it was being written. They slap a bunch of crap together as fast as they can to make their target release dates.

  • June 20, 2009, 5:15 a.m. CST

    loserguy3000

    by Rocco Curioso

    Amen, brother. I'm glad SOMEONE understands that it's OK for a movie geek to straddle both worlds (art & commerce).<P>It's not as though if and when you go see (for instance) "The Road" in October, there's gonna be a guy with a portable scanner standing next to the ticket-taker. He'll point his device at you and activate; it'll start beeping, and then he'll exclaim "A Transformers 2 viewer! We can't let him in. Jenkins, call security!".

  • June 20, 2009, 5:45 a.m. CST

    Nee-haww! Big explosions! Ho yeah!

    by Le Chevalier Noir

    Seriously, I love it when the novelizations try to make a serious story (actually, just to grab our buck too) out of something so degrading that, when you start to think about all the swing-drops who'll be going to see and "enjoy" it, it kind of gives you perspective. ... At least none of the great 80's rock acts got stuck to this shit. And ANYTHING we make is better.

  • June 20, 2009, 5:47 a.m. CST

    Saw TF2 last night...

    by wildphantom07

    The haters are going to have a field day.<p> It's much worse than even they could have possibly imagined. I wasn't a massive fan of the first, but did have a reasonably good time. This one is just over-kill though. Michael Bay allowed to run riot as we feared, and I swear the joke is on us. Over-indulgence of the highest order. <p> People will flock in droves and leave theatres looking like they've been in the ring with Tyson at his peak. It's numbing.<p> My theatre looked shattered when it ended - battered into submission.

  • June 20, 2009, 5:53 a.m. CST

    The Transformers review is correct!

    by Wormie1

    I liked the first Transformers, but the sequel is overblown, overlong, and full of stupid shit. It's weird that the writers of the best blockbuster this summer (Star Trek) also wrote the worst. Michael Bay has gone too far here. As exec producer, Spielberg should have reined in some of Bay's excesses, which aren't that bad in themselves, but are just annoying when the story and characters suck. BTW Megan Fox was fine in the first movie, but is so wooden here.

  • June 20, 2009, 6:21 a.m. CST

    Astralian film industry....

    by the zapper

    still up the shit. Tomorrow When The War Began? I might of seen it if it was made, uh, 10 yrs ago....

  • June 20, 2009, 6:29 a.m. CST

    Pirates of the Caribbean 2

    by Monkey Butler

    Bigger, more expensive, looked cooler. Was also overlong, terribly written, and ended up being boring as fuck despite every frame basically screaming "turn off your brain and have fun!". Same deal with this.

  • June 20, 2009, 6:49 a.m. CST

    'Crank II' is to 'Crank' what 'Dead By Dawn' was to 'The Evil De

    by workshed

    An absolute OTT riot and I loved it. Always hated Statham until Crank II. Now I give the bloke kudos for taking the piss out of himself so outrageously. The fight in the electricity sub-station was, frankly, my favourite scene in a Hollywood movie this year. FUCK YOU CHELIOS..!

  • June 20, 2009, 6:50 a.m. CST

    It's Big Robots doing shit.

    by Sal_Bando

    Breaking shit, shit exploding, Bay selling GM Cars, the military, etc. You know. <p> It'll be fun. You'll watch it. You'll watch it again on DVD. And you'll see it make the most $$ of the summer unless Harold Potter X: Booyah! surprises.

  • June 20, 2009, 6:52 a.m. CST

    Kid Idioteque has a review of Public Enemies

    by Mavra Chang

    http://tinyurl.com/lghwdn

  • June 20, 2009, 7:08 a.m. CST

    Pirates 2 was a masterpiece compared with TF2

    by wildphantom07

    Pirates 2 was definitely bloated and had loads of problems. But at least there was some effort made there. It was a handsome production <p> TF2 makes no attempt to be anything other than a robot fighting-fest. Which many of the fans want of course - except even the fighting is relatively incomprehensible.<p> Sal_Bando, it isn't fun. It is painful to sit through

  • June 20, 2009, 7:22 a.m. CST

    MICHAEL BAY LITERALLY SUCKS BALLS!

    by EDGARWRIGHTS_PROLAPSEDANUS

    Michael Bay gets his kicks sucking and licking balls. He loves big testicles. The bigger the better. If you love big testicles as much as Michael Bay does then go see Transformers 2. You'll have a BALL! Two in fact! And they're absolutely massive! Just the way Michael Bay likes 'em!

  • June 20, 2009, 7:23 a.m. CST

    Sal_B wants to be a Transformer

    by Cronkit

    all my life i wanted to swim with dolphins the warm and gentel dolphins.

  • June 20, 2009, 7:29 a.m. CST

    TF1 was bad, TF2 was freaking awful.

    by barnaby jones

    Its like paying to have you head smashed a against a wall for 3 hoursm, afterwards you fell battered and considerably brain damaged. Kudos to Mr Bay, name a another film you've seen that does that to you.

  • June 20, 2009, 7:31 a.m. CST

    Its so bad i've lost the ability to write 2 sentences that makes

    by barnaby jones

    Well done, Bay, well done.

  • June 20, 2009, 8:02 a.m. CST

    OMG, TF has to much action, my brain couldn't take it.

    by ganymede3010

    WHAHHHHHH, to much action, I want more talking, WAHHHHHH. Cry more noobs.

  • June 20, 2009, 8:02 a.m. CST

    Summer Movie Scorecard So Far...

    by ZombieHeathLedger

    STAR TREK was ok, funny and some nice action, but the whole time-travel-destroy-all-canon kinda left me cold (not to mention the enormous plotholes and underused Eric Bana.) <br> TERMINATOR: SALVATION had some cool elements, I liked the primitive terminator model Worthington first encounters in L.A. (I forget which model number it was) and the Harvester scene, but I thought Anton Yeltin was an unconvincing young Reese, Bale (God, tho he may be) diving from a helicopter into freezing stormy seas to rendezvous with a friggin' submarine was beyond ridiculous, and the whole "how does Skynet know that Reese is John Conners father already and why didn't they just kill him when they had him" and where were all the terminators guarding the homebase issue added to the convoluted plot overall turned me off. <BR> The empty but scary fun of DRAG ME TO HELL reminded me why I like Raimi. (I'd forgotten after the abysmal Spider-man movies. Yes, I hate all three of them.) <BR> Now it looks like with TRANFORMERS 2 Bay may have taken the former in "bigger and better" and not the latter to the extreme but I'll reserve judgment til I after I see it, which I will.<BR> Thank God, I still have my ocular raping by AVATAR to look forward to because so far the main summer tentpole movies have been pretty much in the C+/B- range IMO. Don't disappont us, Cameron. No TRUE LIES 2 please!

  • June 20, 2009, 8:06 a.m. CST

    Please keep the hater Tears coming.

    by ganymede3010

    They lubricate the strawberries in my milkshake. Yummy.

  • June 20, 2009, 8:10 a.m. CST

    Notice all the people who hated the first one paid for seconds?

    by ganymede3010

    You motherfuckers are a walking contradictions.

  • June 20, 2009, 8:11 a.m. CST

    There’s a sitcom in my country...

    by MorganLeafy

    that’s been running for 20 years. It is physically painful too watch. That sitcom was funnier than the comedy in TF1. I have absolutely nothing against good light-hearted and brainless entertainment but Bay doesn’t deliver that. The action in his movies is just chaotic and overblown. It’s loud and massive in scale but in no way adrenaline-inducing. BTW, I have to agree with this Latauro guy. Terminator 4 wasn’t all that bad; in fact it was pretty good. 2 Minutes of digital Arnold was better than an entire movie with that certain Maverick knock-off.

  • June 20, 2009, 8:15 a.m. CST

    Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman

    by JohnRyder

    BURN IN HELL!!!

  • June 20, 2009, 8:28 a.m. CST

    Asimov Live-You are Mammaries of Mommy.

    by Sal_Bando

    We already get it. You HATE Mikey Bay, you LOVE Eli Roth. That's fine.

  • June 20, 2009, 8:36 a.m. CST

    Too bad tf2 will still make bank

    by alienindisguise

    Michael Bay sucks, the studio sucks..that's why this franchise is what it is. I'm glad to hear Bay is talking about walking away from tf since he's already fucked it beyond repair. It would be nice if a 3rd happens and they scrap all his bullshit and start fresh with someone who actually cares about making a good movie. I know it's a novel thought but still.

  • June 20, 2009, 9 a.m. CST

    I agree

    by BlueHawaiiSurfer

    About the CG and transformations being confusing. It's just a bunch of fucking parts moving then...POOF, a robot or POOF, a car. Nothing about the robot or the process really looks like it should go together. (the streamer analogy was spot on, imo) There was no real heart in the first movie, i could have given two shits if any of them lived or died. There was just no time spent developing the characters enough to make me care. Sounds like this is more of the same. I'll go because I want to see it in imax, I just have a feeling I'll leave feeling the same way. Which is sad because I felt more of a connection with the animated movie characters than I do with any of these. HMMMMM... :o|

  • June 20, 2009, 9:06 a.m. CST

    TOMORROW SERIES!

    by The Ringwraith

    I can't believe how few people have commented on the stupendous news that the Tomorrow series seems to be getting a green light. I won't believe it util cameras actually roll, but still its exciting. There is amazing cinematic potential in those books, especially this day in age with all the technology and cell phones and computers and comforts. Taking a group of whiny teens and making them grow up through adversity would be fun to watch. I really hope this happens, and happens right.

  • June 20, 2009, 9:12 a.m. CST

    Worst summer movie season EVER

    by Kid Z

    Seriously, this summer has ass-raped the world!

  • June 20, 2009, 9:22 a.m. CST

    confused

    by nametaken

    i've seen this several places regarding Transformers. i do not get why fans of the series (which i am one of) expect critics to turn off their brains when watching it. so much anger towards reviewers for "not getting it." look its an awful move when you get down to it, don't expect a critic to say otherwise. i accept the fact transformers will be awful, but i will always hope for better, and i don't expect a critic to lower their standards.

  • June 20, 2009, 9:29 a.m. CST

    chrth, first live action Hobbit

    by Jaka

    I know there's an animated version, because I own it (twice). But I think this is the first live action Hobbit production... eh, crap, I should just check imdb but I'm too lazy right now.

  • June 20, 2009, 9:31 a.m. CST

    Oh yeah...

    by Jaka

    ...I'm still really, REALLY on the fence about how they're going to tell - which is to say, stretch - this story to anything past one, two-hour movie. If all of those actors return, including Mr. Weaving, it will go a long way towards keeping me interested in getting my ass to a theater to see them.

  • June 20, 2009, 9:37 a.m. CST

    If you fuckers want a deep plot, go read a book.

    by ganymede3010

    Seriously, go read Heir to the Empire!

  • June 20, 2009, 9:50 a.m. CST

    "Damn you Michael Bay!"

    by I am not a number

    Haven't heard that one in a while. " As if someone waved streamers in your face and then showed you a semi-trailer." Hilarious, and true. I hated the first movie, and didn't expect much from this one anyways.

  • June 20, 2009, 9:50 a.m. CST

    ganymede

    by landosystem

    Michael Bay drinks your milkshake... he drinks it all up.

  • June 20, 2009, 9:51 a.m. CST

    Aussie review

    by JokerFC

    Transformers 2 was great.this twerp hardly watched the movie and if you had any trouble following the plot you have a learning disability.end of.

  • June 20, 2009, 10:22 a.m. CST

    Saw transformers Monday

    by sheepshagger

    And the reviewer is right it is all over the place. So many things unexplained, so many things dont make sense, my head was hurting after half an hour. If you thought the story of the spark in the first one was ridiculous wait until you see what the story in this one holds

  • June 20, 2009, 10:28 a.m. CST

    loserguy3000 - Wins the Talkback

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    Well said.<P>AssimovLives, on the otherhand = Fail.

  • June 20, 2009, 10:29 a.m. CST

    All I know is...

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    THE POWER OF BAY COMPELS YOU!<P>THE POWER OF BAY COMPELS YOU!<P>THE POWER OF BAY COMPELS YOU!

  • June 20, 2009, 10:29 a.m. CST

    LEFT CHEEK!<br><br>LEFT CHEEK!<br><br>LEFT CHEEK!

    by Nasty In The Pasty

  • June 20, 2009, 10:30 a.m. CST

    ganymede3010

    by dogstardude

    It's awfully telling that your idea of a deep plot is "Heir to the Empire". I suppose I should be grateful you didn't say "Twilight".

  • June 20, 2009, 10:32 a.m. CST

    What did you expect from a MIchael Bay film? ART?

    by jawsfan

    There are a few absolutes left in this world: Number 1) the sun rises in the East. Number 2) the sun sets in the West. Number 3) Michael Bay movies suck. They don't always suck for the same reasons, but they still suck. Bay has a career because his films make money, NOT because he has any talent. Movies like "Transformers" could basically direct themselves. We don't need Bay at the helm. Yet, he keeps coming back. We just can't seem to kill him off. Maybe Michael Bay and Jason Voorhees are the same person. Jason/Michael keeps coming back year after year, and I, like characters in one of Jason's movies, keep running as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

  • June 20, 2009, 10:33 a.m. CST

    Yes, in my last post I said Michael Bay essentiall IS Jason Voor

    by jawsfan

  • June 20, 2009, 10:33 a.m. CST

    And when I said "essentiall" I meant "essentially"

    by jawsfan

  • June 20, 2009, 10:41 a.m. CST

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

  • June 20, 2009, 10:42 a.m. CST

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

  • June 20, 2009, 10:42 a.m. CST

    FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    Not shocked by the review. Why make a good film when you can just MAKE MONEY?!

  • June 20, 2009, 10:43 a.m. CST

    FUCK SCRIPTGIRL!

    by FuckMichaelBay

    Just practicing for later.

  • June 20, 2009, 10:52 a.m. CST

    Scriptgirl's boobs transform into propellers...

    by Kid Z

    ... after a few seconds of waving streamers, and chop Shia's face into hamburger. Mikela gets jealous. Now I'd pay $12 to see that.

  • June 20, 2009, 10:56 a.m. CST

    Goofy review of Transformers 2

    by fassbinder79

    I mean he didn't even make it that clear if there was any action. He mostly talked about the CGI. I can't imagine that there isn't any action in a 3 hour Michael Bay film. If the action is as good as Bad Boys 2 and as long then I'm going to be ONE VERY HAPPY CAMPER!

  • June 20, 2009, 10:59 a.m. CST

    I liked Star Trek okay...

    by fassbinder79

    ...But let's not get carried away singing the praises of the script. Good pacing and Chris Pine are what saved that film from being totally forgettable. You want to talk about not remembering a plot...I thought ST was okay and I'm not sure I remembered much that happened other than that cool scene with the young Kirk cruising to Beastie Boys.

  • June 20, 2009, 11:01 a.m. CST

    Re: Hobbit casting "news"

    by kevred

    I don't mind when this site covers stories that have been broken somewhere else first. I'm not one of those folks who reads every movie site, so I appreciate the heads-up.<p>But it does annoy me when the same exact news is used as a headline more than once on this very site. This article states that the Hobbit casting has already been covered everywhere; that everywhere includes this same site, so please don't use it in headlines if that's the case. It's a waste of everyone's time.

  • June 20, 2009, 11:02 a.m. CST

    Well said, Gaius

    by Koyaanisqatsi

    Asimov, you started out pretty bad and just went further and further downhill as the TB went along. And I could list for you many ways in which the new Trek is an exact embodiment of Roddenberry's vision. Having said that I must also say there were some missing elements (I missed the heavy-handed sermonizing that by rights should be present in any Trek movie). However, anyone who says it isn't really Star Trek shows they lack a complete understanding of what it's all about. Oh yeah, TF2 looks awesome!

  • June 20, 2009, 11:12 a.m. CST

    Ganymede 3010

    by AxeEmAll

    After you watch the movie, you would realize that I read the novel. A plot hole means that there exists a certain situation introduced in the movie which has no logical explanation for its existence within the context of the reality of the story. But it doesn't mean that I would not enjoy the movie. No movie is perfect. And TF2 is precisely I expect it to be: totally dumb but great fun, plus a great dose of sensory overload, which many people can't overcome, except Michael Bay, Metallica headbangers, and those who have the ability to make sense out of a lot of chaos, like Crysis or World In Conflict gamers.

  • June 20, 2009, 11:26 a.m. CST

    Star Trek?!?!

    by BlueHawaiiSurfer

    Funny how so many "OTHER" grievances are carried over from other threads/projects. This isn't a thread about Star Trek, please go cry about it somewhere else. We get it, you were angry/violated/penetrated, whatever adjective you want to use to describe what JJ did to your vag with that movie. "WE FUKIN GET IT OK!?!" We fuckin got it the first 5,000 times your weepy little woman parts complained. WE GET IT...WE GET IT...WE GET IT... now...please continue to complain about what MB is doing to your childhood memories. KK? THX...BAI

  • June 20, 2009, 11:57 a.m. CST

    Transformers SUCKED BIG HAIRY BALLS

    by The_Ritty

    ...it was even worse than the cartoon show which (and Kevin Smith was right) is just down right terrible... It's the epitomy of stupid. That being said The Transformers: The Movie is STILL untouchable... a CLASSIC that still holds up to this day... I think I'll be 75 years old and still LOVE this movie... I want Bad Boys 3 no more transformers!!! "Till all are one... and this new series is done!!!" Actually as bad as the new version is they are primed to remake the 86 movie right now...it would make a great end to this new trilogy (or franchise)... just keep the same flick only live action...

  • June 20, 2009, 12:33 p.m. CST

    TF2 SUCKED!!!

    by lb

    I just saw it and can't stress how bad it was. I did not mind TF1 at all but TF2 was a steaming pile of shit. Its everything that was bad about TF1 multiplied by 10.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:43 p.m. CST

    If you liked Transformers

    by lost.rules.

    please kill yourself. I'm not trying to be funny, I am totally serious. I wish nature could assault man with a TF virus that wiped out the portion of the population with IQ's under 100, aka people who liked Transformers, so the rest of us could live better lives.

  • June 20, 2009, 12:51 p.m. CST

    I gave it a chance

    by DrLektor

    I watched the first Transformers movie three times, each time coming to the realisation that it was terrible. I actually love big silly action movies, I really do but this was shocking in its stupidity. Yeah I consider myself a fan, I collected the toys, the comic and watched the hell out of the cartoon until the budget went out the window and it got split into countless variations on a theme. I was looking forward to seeing the movie I really was but Bay totally fucked it up. It was insulting. And as I'm fresh out of seeing T2 I can tell you now, that he hasn't learned shit from the first movie, it's just the same. Incomprehensible plot, meccano robots that all look alike (with the exception of bumblebee) awful dialogue, awful acting and apart from one scene the CGI is jarring, everything that the reviewer stated is correct. The fucked up Soundwave, they fucked up Jetfire, they kill untold numbers of Transformers (I mean Devastator! wow he's cool... oh shit but now he's dead five minutes later) I feel cheated, what a waste of time and money.

  • June 20, 2009, 1:11 p.m. CST

    Asimovlives BOB Orci and The Klutzman

    by Boborci

    I feel left out that you aren't twisting my name like Alex's!

  • June 20, 2009, 1:42 p.m. CST

    I liked TF1

    by Logan_1973

    ...right from the start when Prime is first heard. The last half-hour is some of the best action ever put to film. Didn't mind the new designs (Bumblebee looking like a bumblebee in robot form was pure genius). I'm looking forward to this as Bay doesn't fail to entertain.

  • June 20, 2009, 1:56 p.m. CST

    So is it just me, or has Capone taken over AICN?

    by strosmer

  • June 20, 2009, 2:01 p.m. CST

    Yes Asimov, go read a fucking book.

    by ganymede3010

    A movie of this caliber is about visual stimulation. People are paying to see Robots fight, they're not paying to see a robo-drama.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:04 p.m. CST

    Addressing a few issues -

    by barnaby jones

    I've never paid to see a TF's movie. The first one, i saw on dvd and was gift (promptly went on ebay) and i saw the second one yesterday because a buddy had 2 free passes and he got to choose the movie. The whole time i sat there being pumulled by awfulness i couldn't help but thinking how hard is it to make a Transformers movie and how spectacularly wrong has Micheal Bay got it ? Well hes two for two and i'm no hater either, i love Bad Boys 1 and The Rock, i even have an odd affection for Pearl Harbor, but the man has snorted far too much coke and lost sight of whats visually arresting and whats headache inducing blurry nothingness.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:06 p.m. CST

    Yeah... transformers did suck ass.

    by kendragon

    I local radio presenter said it best when he said 'Its like watching paint dry whilst being hit over the head with a frying pan' that is pretty much my view of it too. The only thing I will say is that I love Sams parents and I thought they were hilarious in this. Bay really really doesnt give a shit about these movies. Its like he figured he could make a 2hour movie trailer and rake in the cash. The plot holes are fucking huge. Why did sam hide the splinter for example? Pity because when It started I thought they were on to a good premise. Locate hidden decepticons and take em out. Simple but fun and effective. Instead we get a ludicrous plot and they even managed to make the mighty megatron a pussy. It was like the first film never happened. People and Transformers that died in the first film were just there. No reason given. The twins seemed to have no purpose at all but to act like two Maters from Pixar's Cars. Fallen sucked too. I know this is incoherent but I cant think straight at the moment so I apologise for that.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:10 p.m. CST

    Oh and another thing...

    by kendragon

    What was with the terminatrix ripoff? I mean wtf was that all about.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:11 p.m. CST

    Paying to see robots fight...

    by Thrillho77

    In this economy, the fact that people are paying good money to see completely fake robots cause 100% fake destruction with absolutely no weight behind it is a sobering thought. <p> This is what passes for entertainment?

  • June 20, 2009, 2:15 p.m. CST

    Thrillo77, Welocme to the 21 Century bub!

    by ganymede3010

    Where people spend billions per year on GGI entertainment.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:16 p.m. CST

    The dregs of society speak

    by lost.rules.

    And it turns out they actually want awful movies. Damn.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:22 p.m. CST

    Some of you are full of it!

    by andrew coleman

    There all these defenders of Transformers... Well I hope when GI Joe movie comes out that you defend that just as hard. Those movies ARE THE SAME THING! Defending one over the top shitty CGI movie is fine but if you go and bash the same movie that comes out in August you're full of shit.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:43 p.m. CST

    Michael Bay wins again!

    by Boober

    Jokes on them. To release the popcorn-and-blockbuster loving kid inside, these lauded "crtics" need to evacuate the pretentious, ego-produced shit festering from the depths of their colon to their eyeballs. Bring on the Bipolar reviews. Win-win. Newsflash: It's giant robots beating the hell out of each other with the military and people caught in hte middle. Duh...you pretentious M-Fuckers. Here's a hanky. Go decry your misgivings to some Ivy League Mensa Panel who cares.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:44 p.m. CST

    People forget the Cartoon had all these same problems

    by lockesbrokenleg

    There wasn't much backstory to the cartoon OR comic. Why does Unicron suddenly show up to eat planets. It's never explained in Transformers the cartoon movie OR in the show.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:44 p.m. CST

    Summer 2009

    by barnaby jones

    Star Trek - Entertaining but disposable X-men Origins - Empty, lightweight rubbish T4 - Good, but compared to everything before it pretty throwaway. The Hangover - Fun but definatley not the laugh riot its billed as. Drag Me To Hell - Charmless, slapsticky, badly acted drivel. TF2 - By far the worst (thus far) pointless, shitfest of the summer.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:49 p.m. CST

    Wait until next summer

    by lockesbrokenleg

    What's on then Iron Man 2, another overrated Pixar movie, and more fucking 3D movies?

  • June 20, 2009, 2:49 p.m. CST

    it never ceases to amaze me...

    by Bouncy X

    that for a movie that people claim to hate and dislike so much, they never hesitate to come back just to say and repeat how much they hate and dislike it. granted you can argue the same about those who liked it, but if they liked it then of course they'll wanna talk about it. but why waste your time just to say how much you hated something, why not let it go and move on? is it that hard to accept not everyone shares your views on something? does it eat at you that badly that someone can enjoy what you didn't? does it hurt your soul that much that you have to stoop to insulting a person simply because they liked it? now i'm sure there are some, like me, who are just talking to get reactions because its funny to see but some come here soooo angry about it that you have to wonder. lol

  • June 20, 2009, 2:50 p.m. CST

    LMFAO @ Boober

    by ganymede3010

    I couldn't of said any better my friend.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:52 p.m. CST

    I second loser-guy's winning this TB

    by Boober

    You know what 50 mil and a "serious, dramatic" take on a TF film makes you as a person? A jackass.

  • June 20, 2009, 2:53 p.m. CST

    Asimov, like I said, go read a fucking book.

    by ganymede3010

    Why? Because I said so that's why. Isn't it moronic when someone uses your very own lack of reasoning against you?

  • June 20, 2009, 3 p.m. CST

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!!

    by lockesbrokenleg

    WHO DOESN'T WANT TO SEE GIANT ROBOTS KICK ASS? I KNOW I DO? DO YOU WANT TO SUFFER THROUGH A PRETENTIOUS TARENTINO TALK FEST?

  • June 20, 2009, 3:03 p.m. CST

    Well played, AsimovLives

    by Boborci

    AsimovLives "Hey BOB, by calling you BOB i'm already doing you enough insult..." <p> Calling me what everybody calls me is insulting indeed. You win. Let's all boycott TF2 and go see THE PROPOSAL instead!

  • June 20, 2009, 3:05 p.m. CST

    Haters don't have the visual acuity watch robot movies.

    by ganymede3010

    Which is sad, I can make out everything just fine.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:06 p.m. CST

    "those two African American robot car things"

    by Immortal_Fish

    They are ALIENS from OUTER SPACE. How could they possibly be either African or American?

  • June 20, 2009, 3:09 p.m. CST

    They learned how to talk through the WWW

    by lockesbrokenleg

    That's why they're so hip, and cool and stuff. They explained that in the first one. Also, Bumblebee was damaged, and that's why he only could play radio tunes.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:24 p.m. CST

    Strawberried Peanut Butter M&Ms...

    by Thrillhouse77

    The best thing to come out of having Michael Bay's Tranformers movies.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:41 p.m. CST

    That kid in that Nokia ad sucks ass

    by lockesbrokenleg

  • June 20, 2009, 3:41 p.m. CST

    I don't care if it's bad. The first one was, but I loved.

    by MrFloppy

  • June 20, 2009, 3:42 p.m. CST

    All I want to see are giant robots and acion.

    by MrFloppy

    The first one had one of the greatest CGI ever, I just want to at least top that.

  • June 20, 2009, 3:43 p.m. CST

    Transformers 2

    by SUPERJIM

    <p>I just got home from watching Transformers 2. What a steaming turd, and I liked the first one. It is a total mess.</p><p>I fail to see how they even thought it was OK to make this movie with the script they had. Everything is a lot bigger but that unfortunately includes the fucking childish jokes and corny voice acting. If you take every flaw from the first movie and multiply it by 10, you have the sequel.</p><p>The plot is terrible. Really terrible. Nonsensical even. I wish I could write a proper review to send to AICN. I would probably have to sit for 10 minutes to remember the plot before I realised there isn't one. Just a series of scenes that are vaguely connected and are there to lead onto the next scene that Bay thought would look cool.</p><p>Above all, the thing that pisses me off the most is the fact that they alienate every single audience I can think of. For example; they have a million shitty childish jokes and shitty, pointless, childish characters. That's fine, not ideal, but fine as I had my 5 year old with me who likes that shit. But to counter that, they also have a million swear words and inappropriate sex references. They have dogs fucking, twice. They have a Decepticon fucking Megan Fox's leg...NO SHIT. So who, exactly, is this film aimed at? Rant over.</p>

  • June 20, 2009, 3:49 p.m. CST

    Load of Kangaroo Droppings

    by subfreq

    If you use David Mammet as a reference in a Transformers review you should give it up and go work in a pizza hut. You don't get it! It's rated 12. It has to be telegraphed to the target audience. It makes no apology for that. And why are AICN holding back what must be an avalanche of early European reviews? Usually the precedant here is to be hot off the press with a review. People have been seeing this film for over a week all over the world. I loved the film. It lurches towards the final set piece that is for sure but for my money its the summer popcorn juggernaut I wanted to see. When I go to a 150 million summer film I want to see it on screen and not leave digressing plot structure and the intricacies of dialogue. If anything the schitck element of dialogue and comedy in this film was very good, better than the first. I expect Bay to tighten up the running time and orchestrate the ending a little better for the US releas ,but it's a fun ride and the animation is absolutely unreal. How any one can say the robots were average boggles my mind.

  • June 20, 2009, 4:11 p.m. CST

    by Cobra--Kai

    "I don't care if it's bad. The first one was, but I loved."<p> "All I want to see are giant robots and acion."<p> Those two comments from a typical 'TRANSFORMERS fan' pretty much sum up why I have no interest in seeing this movie.

  • June 20, 2009, 4:12 p.m. CST

    ganymede3010 does not exist in this dojo

    by Cobra--Kai

    Ganymede, a personal, honest question - don't answer if you don't want to, but how old are you?

  • June 20, 2009, 4:13 p.m. CST

    Thank you, ganymede3010

    by bubcus

    I didn't need the childhood trauma of the original cartoon movie revisiting me.

  • June 20, 2009, 4:16 p.m. CST

    Boborci

    by Mr. Nice Gaius

    As you can see, AsimovLives is class, through and through!<P>How do you feel about his use of ethnic slurs (i.e. "mexican't") when discussing you and your work?

  • June 20, 2009, 4:42 p.m. CST

    Gone With the Wind, Ben Hur, Wizard of Oz, Citizen Kane

    by Drath

    All movies that either haven't been remade successfully, or a definitive version was made (Ben Hur, that last of many "remakes"). Tell me, do you REALLY think these movies are less worthy of attention than say Highlander or Dracula or crap like the Halloween an Friday the Thirteenth franchises? No. Because there's quality, and then there is cheap schlock, okay? They will not remake Star Wars. It's up there with those others. King Kong was the closest we'll get to a classic great movie with a noteworthy remake (no, not the sitty 70s one).

  • June 20, 2009, 4:44 p.m. CST

    They remade Star Wars this year

    by lockesbrokenleg

    It's called Star Trek

  • June 20, 2009, 5:46 p.m. CST

    lockesbrokenleg, "They learned how to talk through the WWW"

    by Immortal_Fish

    Yabbut, don't you realize how asinine that is on its face? Wouldn't they all speak like that if it were the case? Why only a few?<P>As if I couldn't follow such a thick plot line in the first place.

  • June 20, 2009, 6:15 p.m. CST

    by Monkey Butler

    After going to see TF2 I went down to the NASCAR track and watched some fucking FAST CARS CRASHING REAL GOOD!!!!! WOOOOO

  • June 20, 2009, 6:15 p.m. CST

    But Megatron was on Earth long before the WWW

    by lockesbrokenleg

    So he speaks differently.

  • June 20, 2009, 6:35 p.m. CST

    lockesbrokenleg: re: Unicron

    by chrth

    Actually, they do explore Unicron's backstory in an episode during the season following the movie.

  • June 20, 2009, 7:55 p.m. CST

    They had a backstory for Unicron in the comic, too

    by lockesbrokenleg

    But the cartoon only appeals to a fraction of people, while the movies have to be broad to appeal to everyone.

  • June 20, 2009, 8:53 p.m. CST

    Call me nuts, but...

    by Anna Valerious

    I think I'd rather see these guys do the third "Transformers" movie. http://tinyurl.com/ku8upp (It's not as good as their TDK one, but still, you gotta love the boxy robots they're playing.)

  • June 20, 2009, 9:39 p.m. CST

    It seems Laturto, the Ringwraith and I are the only ones psyched

    by oneletter

    Totally flipping awesome for teen books, best australasian series out there. As a kid reading it in class it was one of the few that relcutant readers really got into. Really realistic modern day australian war story...so excited to see it on the big screen!

  • June 20, 2009, 9:46 p.m. CST

    Oneletter

    by Monkey Butler

    Pretty sure most primary school kids only read the Tomorrow series for the sex and violence. Other than that, I never really got into the books. Marsden's a bit of a gimmick writer.

  • June 20, 2009, 10:32 p.m. CST

    lockesbrokenleg, "Megatron speaks differently"

    by Immortal_Fish

    Really? I thought they all spoke alike with the exception of the token... I mean, Jazz.

  • June 20, 2009, 10:43 p.m. CST

    Didn't the police car one speak like an Ebay ad?

    by lockesbrokenleg

  • June 20, 2009, 11:44 p.m. CST

    Oneletter...

    by dogstardude

    How do you think they're going to get around showing that the invading army is Indonesia? Marsden could be cute about it in the books because he didn't actually have to show the invaders, but in a movie they're going to have to show the antagonists. I don't imagine our northern neighbours would take kindly to a film which actively pits them against us as the enemy. Diplomatically it would be a disaster. <p> Plus, does the Australian Film Fund really have enough money to pull this off? The series gets way more action packed as it goes on.

  • June 20, 2009, 11:47 p.m. CST

    Oh man oh man

    by dogstardude

    All these review for Transformers 2 make it sound amazing. Apparently it's almost completely incomprehensible and even more confused than it's predecessor. Bay's going for broke in the most punishing and amazing avant-garde film in the history of cinema!

  • June 21, 2009, 12:48 a.m. CST

    dogstardude

    by Monkey Butler

    "Generic south-east Asian" maybe?

  • June 21, 2009, 3:57 a.m. CST

    Yeah Monkey Butler

    by dogstardude

    I suppose they could just invent a country, sort of a Burma-ish regime perhaps? They'd have to be careful with the look and language of the invaders though. It'll be interesting to see how they handle it.

  • June 21, 2009, 2:39 p.m. CST

    I'd never read an AICN downunder report before...

    by OptimusCrime

    and I never will again. This column was completely disjointed, even by AICN standards.

  • June 21, 2009, 9:12 p.m. CST

    Tomorrow series.

    by OutlawsDelejos

    Would work better as a mini-series, it'd have to be real fucken good as a movie to get people into cinemas.

  • June 22, 2009, 10:44 a.m. CST

    I Didn't Like the First Transformer Movie

    by kevinwillis.net

    And I doubt I'll like this one. And it's not because I don't like brain-dread movies, because I do, or care about Shia The Beef. It's just because it was inconsistent, boring, and the transformations all looked like cheats--all that shit wouldn't go together like that, or come apart like that. They might as well have had the cars and trucks spin around like Wonderwoman and then, after a big flash, they were suddenly robots, and vice versa. But had there been something else to anchor my interest on, that wouldn't have bothered me, particularly.

  • June 22, 2009, 10:48 a.m. CST

    Should Have Gone the Mission Impossible Route

    by kevinwillis.net

    Or Harry Potter, and have someone interesting and alternative direct the 2nd movie. Or put J.J. Abrams in charge of it. I'd be cool with a Quentin Tarintino Transformers. Or a David Mamet scripted Transformers. That could be very cool.

  • June 22, 2009, 4:52 p.m. CST

    If Mamet wrote Transformers 3, it would be bad. Why ?

    by NotVeryFunny

    Because Michael Bay is involved, and he has the power to turn everything he's involved in into shit. Oh yeah: believe me !

  • June 22, 2009, 6:14 p.m. CST

    Is anyone really surprised?

    by minderbinder

    After all, the first one already had a "black" jive talking, break dancing robot, and had things like a robot "peeing" on someone. I'm glad the critics finally came to their senses this time around instead of giving this one a pass too.

  • June 22, 2009, 6:16 p.m. CST

    And perfect description of the action scenes.

    by minderbinder

    The "transfrorming" part didn't work at all since you couldn't tell what was going where, instead of being done in a clever way (like the toys, frankly), they split everything up into like ten thousand tiny pieces. Same goes for the robots being way way way too busy, so many tiny little bits all over the place it usually looked like you were looking at a giant pile of metal parts than a robot.

  • Feb. 15, 2010, 5:40 a.m. CST

    dmHKjsKf

    by TmvEqK

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  • Feb. 15, 2010, 5:41 a.m. CST

    FqzPivu

    by TmvEqK

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