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Mr. Longbaugh Hints At The Glorious Madness That Is Rob Cohen's MEDIEVAL!!

Merrick here...
Earlier we learned Rob Cohen was jumping off of xXx: THE RETURN OF XANDER CAGE to work on a project called MEDIEVAL (details HERE). An AICN associate called Mr. Longbaugh was kind enough to give us a sense of what Cohen's adoptive project has in store for us (although I'm sure changes will be made before filming commences, and during actual production). Obviously, BEWARE SPOILERS!!!
Here's Mr. Longbaugh:
The film opens with a diverse group of warriors all imprisoned together, discussing how they've all ended up in this unfortunate circumstance. This eclectic group consisting of: a knight, a thief, a samurai, a zulu warrior, a viking, and a few others. All of them have been setup and brought together for one reason: a wealthy man has tasked them with stealing a crown from an impenetrable vault of treasure. The crown is his, but they can keep whatever treasure that can carry out. The twist is that they only have till daylight to do so because they've all been injected with a poison that'll kill them upon direct contact with the sun. With Ocean's 11 like precision they break into the vault in an incredible sequence of agility and stunts utilizing their own individual skill-sets, involving magnetic hallways and pressure sensitive floors they enter the vault... At various points they're attacked by gangs of birdmen, gypsy women, sumo wrestlers, zulu warriors, etc.
The way the message above is edited suggests the film is confined to the vaults, etc. It's actually considerably more sprawling, with lots of (medieval) city action. Huge thanks to Mr. Longbaugh for taking the time to share this with us...

Readers Talkback
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  • June 10, 2009, 11:52 p.m. CST


    by D.Vader

    Damnit. I swear to god I was going to make something similar. Fuck you Cohen!

  • June 10, 2009, 11:52 p.m. CST

    Or should I say... "NOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!"

    by D.Vader

  • June 10, 2009, 11:54 p.m. CST

    Actually, Cohen, PLEASE make this movie

    by D.Vader

    Because mine is different enough to not be called a clone. Just do it well so you don't fuck up my chances.

  • June 10, 2009, 11:59 p.m. CST

    So they actually had vampire poison back then? Interesting...

    by Mike_D


  • June 10, 2009, 11:59 p.m. CST

    Oh and this sounds like a Paul W.S. Anderson movie.

    by Mike_D

    well, it does.

  • June 11, 2009, midnight CST

    He's been watching too much The Deadliest Warrior on SpikeTV

    by Super Rabbi

  • June 11, 2009, 12:05 a.m. CST

    Not even this can be as embarrassing...


    as the trailer for "Gamer."

  • June 11, 2009, 12:05 a.m. CST


    by Jesiah

    How is this guy finding work? does he dress in drag and offer blowjobs like the dude that did Die Another Day?

  • June 11, 2009, 12:08 a.m. CST

    Viking is a verb dumbasses

    by Crooooooow

    They were called Norse

  • June 11, 2009, 12:08 a.m. CST

    They should have a montage of all the training

    by Jesiah

    One movie with a montage of the training to become a ninja, "a knight, a thief, a samurai, a zulu warrior, a viking, and a few others" would be kind of interesting. If he gets jamee fux to die in this movie like Stealth I'll see it.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:13 a.m. CST

    Kid Idioteque

    by Jesiah

    looks stupid, but I hav emixed feelings since it has Gerard Butler and Dexter in it.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:24 a.m. CST

    Sounds more like Ocean's 11 than Magnificent Seven

    by D.Vader

    Go ahead with it.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:29 a.m. CST

    A V A T A R. December.

    by Motoko Kusanagi

    Nothing else matters.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:33 a.m. CST

    World of Warcraft meets Ocean's11 meets Crank meets Magnificient

    by onezeroone

    in other words, Hollywood version of Fantasy Mission Force.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:40 a.m. CST

    Sounds super gay

    by TheExterminator

    cue shit cgi and cohen lameness

  • June 11, 2009, 12:41 a.m. CST

    So its not the video game

    by Series7

    Whatever he sucks as a director.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:42 a.m. CST

    Why risk losing the men before daybreak?

    by CodeName

    Just wondering. If the wealthy man's treasure is so important to him, and he went through all the trouble to gather warriors from the four corners of the world, why give them all such a short warranty span? Are the treasure holders moving to a new location the next day? Why not use slower poison and give the guys a week to live instead? A day is no fun.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:52 a.m. CST


    by CodeName

    I hope they make it interesting.. like the poison effects each character differently as in physically, and psychologically. And maybe they turn on each other. Throw in poison, ego, medieval bigotry, different fighting styles and you get some interesting ideas flowing. Only if Christopher Walken plays the wealthy man, but he has to be mute the whole time.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:56 a.m. CST

    Sounds somewhat like ...

    by MrTeas

    The Usual Suspects; but in a fantasy setting.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:04 a.m. CST

    This sounds like the most awesome idea ever!!!!

    by syafiqjabar

    On the same line as The Expendables. But it might be so awesome, most movie goers might not watch it. Like the time they make a movie about a spaceman helping Vikings fight an alien dragon.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:18 a.m. CST


    by Tubbs Tattsyrup

    I certainly fucking hope so. FANTASY MISSION FORCE is awesome.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:20 a.m. CST

    Historically speaking it's almost offensive but...

    by The_Ed_Carden

    ... this film does have the potential for some really cool battle sequences. This was obviously at least somewhat inspired by "Deadliest Warrior" on Spike, which is an awesome show

  • June 11, 2009, 1:23 a.m. CST

    I was hoping it would be like that PS1 game...

    by OutlawsDelejos

    The one with the retarded skeleton knight, thats about all I remember about it and I owned that game.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:27 a.m. CST

    Language barrier?

    by Omar B

    How are these warriors from far flung regions able to talk to each other? Cohen strikes again!

  • June 11, 2009, 1:29 a.m. CST

    Escape From NY?

    by ThePilgrim

  • June 11, 2009, 1:29 a.m. CST

    Escape From NY?

    by ThePilgrim

  • I guess the knight, samurai and the viking are pretty much useless when they encounter the magnetic hallways and pressure sensitive floors since they are in armor for one, and they each weigh a ton. Maybe their armor flies off their bodies Magneto-style and they have to fight their own armor haha.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:39 a.m. CST

    Tyler Mane for the Norse/Viking

    by ThePilgrim

    Trust me. That guy will own the role. He already has the hair and beard.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:41 a.m. CST

    Poison is so they dont steal the crown.

    by dailysportspages

    They have to come back for the antidote.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:44 a.m. CST

    Language barrier?

    by ThePilgrim

    Theres an Tag along interpreter. He/She captured/framed all of them for the king. This person speaks all of the languages and works as a buffer between them. Would be cool if it was a little person. Like Warwick Davis.

  • June 11, 2009, 1:46 a.m. CST

    by Hafsol

    A Samurai, Viking, Zulu Warrior... and they'll all speak english!

  • June 11, 2009, 1:51 a.m. CST


    by ThePilgrim

    Orinal talk from each character in native speakie. Subtitled only when it not ment to be understood by the others in the group. Little man tag along reinterps what is said between them and sometimes he reworks what the others say to each other to start fights and inject comedic moments. We see his reinterp in subs as well. This could be fun

  • June 11, 2009, 1:56 a.m. CST


    by CodeName

    That makes sense. But wealthy man sure has a lot of faith in the guys to pull it off in a day. He should give them a week to plan and scope out the place.

  • June 11, 2009, 2:01 a.m. CST

    Christopher Lambert needs to be in here somewhere

    by CodeName

  • June 11, 2009, 2:11 a.m. CST

    Sounds good to me.

    by ganymede3010

    Now it's all about the execution. I have no faith in Mr. Cohen unfortunately.

  • June 11, 2009, 2:15 a.m. CST

    So nobody has pointed out

    by The_Myhand

    that, at least last time I checked, you couldn't INJECT anyone with anything in the Dark Ages....god this is going to be stupid..and terribly , TERRIBLY historically inaccurate. Oh, and they had magnetic hallways in the middle ages too? Damn, I must've missed that one. Rob Cohen, you are a talentless hack.

  • June 11, 2009, 2:15 a.m. CST


    by Daniel_Ackbar

    Isnt this Soul Calibur? Sounds lame.

  • June 11, 2009, 2:47 a.m. CST


    by The Dark Shite

    Now now, that's enough piss taking:-).<p> I'm actually happy by the way. Not only does this sound pretty insane, but the my idea that I mentioned on the other thread pisses all over this concept.

  • June 11, 2009, 2:51 a.m. CST

    There's a Tagalog interperter?

    by The Dark Shite

    So they'll have Filinos in this too? Jeezes.

  • June 11, 2009, 2:51 a.m. CST

    Fuck this edit button-less cess pit of doom.

    by The Dark Shite

  • June 11, 2009, 2:55 a.m. CST

    This sounds like some rehashed crap

    by BatPsycho

    im not very happy here with this news.

  • June 11, 2009, 3:09 a.m. CST

    thank god, I always knew Ocean's 11 was missing Zulus...

    by BadMrWonka

    what a fucking retarded premise for a movie. I'm surprised Stephen Sommers isn't directing this while jerking off.

  • June 11, 2009, 3:37 a.m. CST

    At least it's not a prequelsequelreboot

    by HagCeli

    but it sounds really stupid, I have to say. I can imagine the pitching session: "It's like, uh, Ocean's 11 meets Conan the Barbarian with bits of vampire hype thrown in".

  • June 11, 2009, 3:55 a.m. CST

    It'a TJHE USUAL SUSPECTS in ye' olden tymes.

    by MaxTheSilent

    And as written it's a lot of fun. Let's see if Rob Cohen can make this as dull as his other movies.

  • June 11, 2009, 3:56 a.m. CST

    I like the sound of it. They should just get a better director.

    by DerLanghaarige

  • June 11, 2009, 4:28 a.m. CST

    I geddit-Mr Longbough=Mr Longbow.

    by The Dark Shite

    Oh how I laughed.

  • June 11, 2009, 4:59 a.m. CST



    Wait a minute... that movie was awesome!<p>I'm in!

  • June 11, 2009, 5:23 a.m. CST

    Crooooooow: Viking is a verb???

    by Monkey Butler

    As in, "I think I'm going to do a bit of viking today"? Are you sure? Because that sounds fucking stupid.

  • June 11, 2009, 5:30 a.m. CST

    Ha ha, Monkey Butler that's hilarious!

    by The Dark Shite

    I don't know how I missed Crooooooow's comment. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen, espeiclaly when he calles everyone "dumbasses" for not thinking it's a verb. What a plank!

  • June 11, 2009, 5:32 a.m. CST

    Fuck me..

    by The Dark Shite

    Either my new medication is strong or I'm getting dyslexia. My posts over the last few days have had some of the worst spelling I've ever seen. <p> I don't think Viking is a verb yet, but it's worrying.

  • June 11, 2009, 5:36 a.m. CST

    Just to prove I'm on meds & not retarded..

    by The Dark Shite

    Same again with the spelling fixed: I don't know how I missed Crooooooow's comment. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen, ESPECIALLY when he CALLED everyone "dumbasses" for not thinking it's a verb. What a plank!<p> Maybe me too:-).

  • June 11, 2009, 5:58 a.m. CST

    Boss Fight! The Movie!

    by JumpinJehosaphat

    I can see the pitch session now....

  • June 11, 2009, 6:01 a.m. CST

    That actually sounds like a lot of fun.

    by Mr Nicholas

  • June 11, 2009, 6:10 a.m. CST

    I'm sure I'll Viking in line to see this!

    by D_T

    With the injection and magnetic vault, does anyone else think there's likely time travel involved? Like the rich dude fetches the best warriors from their native land *and* time. (Of course with time travel, WTF is he dicking around with all this...).

  • June 11, 2009, 6:11 a.m. CST

    I was viking my wife last night...

    by D_T actually _sounds_ pretty cool, eh?

  • June 11, 2009, 6:22 a.m. CST

    She was viking up her pants when I walked in.

    by redfist

  • June 11, 2009, 6:22 a.m. CST

    Wow. It's like a 12-year-old Dungeon Master just watched "The Us

    by judderman

    and decided to make a campaign out of them.

  • June 11, 2009, 6:24 a.m. CST

    ual Sispects and Escape from New York

    by judderman

    and so goes the punchline

  • June 11, 2009, 6:48 a.m. CST

    if the poison kills them in the sunlight. . .

    by fireclown

    couldn't they just STAY underground during daytime hours? <p> Bring this sucker on.

  • June 11, 2009, 6:54 a.m. CST


    by The Dark Shite

    I commented on the fact that this Mr Longbough=Longbow. So they changed it to Longbaugh.<p> Petty.

  • June 11, 2009, 6:57 a.m. CST

    Sounds like a video game

    by beastie

    and a bad one. Normally, I'm not one to lay the hate, but really this sounds horrible.</p><p>Also, I saw this thing on Spike TV that said a samurai would beat a Viking in a fight 51% of the time. Just thought it was interesting to see the two mentioned again within a week of seeing that.

  • June 11, 2009, 6:59 a.m. CST

    Sounds completely retarded

    by one_guy_from_andromeda

    Fuck you, Hollywood.

  • June 11, 2009, 6:59 a.m. CST

    Woah. Also Mr. Longbaugh...

    by beastie

    ...good reference on the alias.

  • June 11, 2009, 7:06 a.m. CST

    A Samurai..

    by The Dark Shite

    Would beat the shit out of a Viking 100% of the time. A Katana's so light & super sharp it can split a body in half with the slightest effort. The Viking would be sashimi before he'd had time to life his sword.<p>

  • June 11, 2009, 7:07 a.m. CST

    Lift his sword.

    by The Dark Shite

    Fuck. <p> E.D.I.T B.U.T.T.O.N!<p>

  • June 11, 2009, 7:25 a.m. CST

    isn't moonlight just reflected sunlight?

    by ironic_name

    and the sun is a big ball of fire, if it kills people, then just light a match.

  • June 11, 2009, 7:51 a.m. CST

    moonlight is relfected sunlight...but

    by Magic01273 does suggest "direct" sunlight. Plus picking apart the scientific principles behind a film like this is likely to be a pretty fruitless exercise....

  • June 11, 2009, 7:52 a.m. CST


    by spud mcspud

    Sounds fucking awesome. Though if it's half as great as ELIMINATORS - which it sounds like a medieval version of - it will rule.<P> You can't watch this with ANY cynicism, guys. If you even THINK about taking a concept like this seriously, don't even bother going into the theater. This is for lovers of truly demented movies ONLY...

  • June 11, 2009, 8:12 a.m. CST


    by bee152

    Every movie that is announced you people bitch and moan about it being a remake or a reboot or a prequel or a sequel. You complain about originality and this sounds pretty original. He's not the best director but our selections are limited as to who the studios work with today. Unfortunately their are plenty of Indy directors out there who could do a better job but we get what we pay for and keep paying for. I'm giving it a chance until I see the rotten tomatoes meter. Also VIKING is a noun or and adjective. not a verb. Unless the guy was being funny because of the -ing at the end. Then he's dumber than i thought.

  • June 11, 2009, 8:19 a.m. CST

    The 13th Warrior

    by punito2k3

    Come on! Such BS! Sounds like a knock off to me!

  • June 11, 2009, 8:22 a.m. CST

    I can't see this being good.

    by Cobb05

    What doesn't make sense is, they have to break into this fortress before dawn. But you know they're going to have to travel far and there's going to be all these battles, so they'd never make it in time. If Stallone was making this movie, it might be good. It does have a very B-movie, cheesiness to it. I just think that Rob Cohen is a bad director and the effects to his movies are always lame. I mean look how bad the CG was in Mummy 3. Him and Paul W.S. Anderson try to make these big movies, but they are as shallow as a puddle. I mean we're not asking for a P.T. Anderson movie, but just because it's a popcorn movie doesn't mean it has to be bad.

  • June 11, 2009, 8:22 a.m. CST

    This is EXACTLY

    by Holy Hell

    what I want Hollywood to be doing. I just vikinged in my pants.

  • June 11, 2009, 8:24 a.m. CST

    I just vikinged a hole through my pants?

    by Holy Hell

  • June 11, 2009, 8:25 a.m. CST

    yeah, folks...

    by omarthesnake

    the language barrier issue and the way they sidestep it will keep this from being a realistic depiction of what happens when a Viking (NOUN, IDIOT), a Zulu, A Predator, a Thief, A Knight, a Sumo Wrassler, a Ticklemonster and a Wombat join forces.

  • June 11, 2009, 8:30 a.m. CST

    viking (verb):

    by Holy Hell

    "The act of a phallus becoming rapidly erect and tearing through any protective textile, typically brought upon a virginal film geek when anticipating a cinematic depiction of mythic masculinity he will never, himself, achieve."

  • June 11, 2009, 8:35 a.m. CST


    by Holy Hell

    "After being bitten by a radioactive spider and assuming super powers, Peter Parker would never again viking a new pair of dungarees while reading Icelandic sagas, much to the relief of Aunt May's arthritic sewing hand."

  • June 11, 2009, 8:47 a.m. CST

    Tagalong Interpreter = C3P0

    by thedude2010

  • June 11, 2009, 8:47 a.m. CST

    Reeks of Cheese

    by Robert_Downey_in_blackface

    This sounds like a load of all kinds of crap. Each scene by itself will probably be okay but the whole movie together, a popourri of winners about to die in a day to steal a crown... its so contrived. Coming up with a random wacky fresh idea is good... this doesn't seem fresh... seems like someone shot the hamburgler in the head and left him locked up in a compost bin for a few years and then opened the top to see what was left.

  • June 11, 2009, 8:50 a.m. CST

    Hmm.. maybe Medieval is a sequel to

    by Robert_Downey_in_blackface

    Dungeons & Dragons? Anyone heard anything about this?

  • June 11, 2009, 8:56 a.m. CST


    by Andyb77

    Actually folks, viking is a verb. The original use of the verb was "to go a viking". It meant to go raiding as they did. Danes, Norse, and Swedes never referred or thought of themselves as Vikings. That was a later convention like ridiculous horns on helmets.

  • June 11, 2009, 9 a.m. CST


    by Andyb77

    Putting all these warriors of different cultures together is contrived let alone the poison. The historical inaccuracies are huge. Zulus as we know them didn't exist at the same time as knights or vikings and neither did samurai as we know them.

  • June 11, 2009, 9:04 a.m. CST

    yes, yes, Andyb,

    by Holy Hell

    but that's the archaic definition. Today's descriptivist tendency in lexicographic circles has concluded that the modern definition of "viking" is the penis thing.

  • June 11, 2009, 9:09 a.m. CST

    Rob Cohen

    by directorsaab

    Dragonheart, Dragon, The Mummy 3, XXX, Daylight, they all have two things in common: 1) They suck balls and 2) Rob Cohen "directed" all of them. This hack is a retarded version of Stephen Sommers. With him involved, why bother? He has no idea how to stage an action scene, he knows nothing about character or story. He's in the same class of a-hole filmmakers like Ratner and Paul W.S. Anderson. I wish this project would find another director or just go away.

  • June 11, 2009, 9:44 a.m. CST

    Andyb77's kinda right.

    by The Dark Shite

    I'm not gonna put my War historian cap on, as I always end up having complicated discussions that I can't be bothered to have:-).<p> It's both a Noun & a verb. Or rather the name stems from a verb, in the same way a jogger is someone who goes jogging. <p> Really, Vikings are Vikingrs. Viking itself comes from a verb, but became a noun. They also liked to have sex with farm animals & sing "I will survive" by Gloria Gaynor.

  • June 11, 2009, 9:55 a.m. CST

    Sounds like The Simpsons' verison of Zorro.

    by rev_skarekroe


  • June 11, 2009, 11:06 a.m. CST

    Are you for real?

    by Bulvai

  • June 11, 2009, 11:10 a.m. CST



    It's better than the first movie.<p>But not much.

  • June 11, 2009, 11:48 a.m. CST

    The logistics involved

    by Tin Snoman

    in getting these disparate characters together makes it unlikely that there will be the slightest attempt at any intelligence. But who cares when ninjas and vikings are beating the crap out of each other, right? Hell, I'd make this film just for the cash. Except I'm not sure I could live with myself afterward. Cohen has no such scruples.

  • June 11, 2009, 11:54 a.m. CST

    Forsooth, 'tis "Ye Usual Suspects"

    by Guy Gaduois

    Hitherto yon wealthy king is but making up a tale along the way - Kaiser Sez-Me.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:17 p.m. CST

    The old D&D Cartoon

    by Mr.FTW

    This sounds like a live action version of that old D&D cartoon on Saturday mornings in the 80's.

  • June 11, 2009, 12:21 p.m. CST

    MI:3 was the only good MISSION film...

    by ccchhhrrriiisssm

    The first was okay...but the third was actually very good. A fourth with Abrams attached could be pretty good!

  • June 11, 2009, 1:38 p.m. CST

    Is that Portland's own Mr. Longbaugh?

    by I am the most horrible


  • June 11, 2009, 1:40 p.m. CST

    Oh c'mon

    by TELF

    You can't diss this hilarious concept - sounds like loads of fun. But, yes, Cohen is a problem - so proceed with the dissing. As you were, men.

  • June 11, 2009, 2:27 p.m. CST

    Medival Script Review...

    by geraldbeans

    Over at Scriptshadow:

  • June 11, 2009, 3:34 p.m. CST

    a knight, a thief, a samurai, a zulu warrior and a viking walk i

    by RobertBaron

  • June 11, 2009, 3:35 p.m. CST

    fer fuck sakes

    by RobertBaron

    a knight, a thief, a samurai, a zulu warrior, and a viking walk into a bar...

  • June 11, 2009, 3:50 p.m. CST


    by Hipshot

    is actually both a verb and a noun. As in "who will go viking with me this night?" Meaning to raid from a ship, I believe.

  • June 11, 2009, 4:10 p.m. CST

    What the hell?

    by Charlie_Allnut

    Sounds terrible, but it could be B movie fun if done right...probably not though.

  • June 11, 2009, 4:45 p.m. CST


    by ebonic_plague

  • June 11, 2009, 4:47 p.m. CST

    Um, wouldn't you just need the thief?

    by SID 8.0

    Sounds stupid enough to get made. Completely historically inaccurate why not have them ride a brachiosaur too.

  • June 11, 2009, 4:47 p.m. CST

    Script needs a slight rewrite

    by ThePilgrim

    If these guys are all locked up together. Again, how do they communicate with one another??? <P> That's where the Puny Cocky Interpreter Character comes into play, he's locked up with them. He's a Pirate Swabby and that's how he knows all the Languages. He's travelled the world and beyond. He's in there for public drunkenness, flashing, and defaming the kings name, and he has to be a little man. The sleazy guy who offers these lockups freedom or escape from hanging/beheading has to claim to be an aid to the King or something like that. He's is wearing a robe that covers his face and true identity. Maybe he provides them with hidden weapons or a key that will aid in their escape on the way to their hangings/beheadings. <P> He tells them to meet him at a certain location after they escape to talk turkey. He promises them great wealth and a ship to take them back home. They arrive at this cabin in the woods, a feast and women await them. The sleazy shows up. He informs them of their poisoning. They must avoid light or they will die. He tells them he wants steal the kings crown and that they may keep all of the other kings wealth for themselves, after they succeed he will provide them with the antidote and ship to take them back to their native land. Under the cover of night they make it all the way to the kings throne room, and when they arrive there they are surprised to see the sleaze is murdering the king. The sleaze tricked them all along. It turns out he's the King's son. The Kings army storms the throne room. The Sleaze blames his fathers murder on the band. They have to retreat from the kings army. The sun is rising. They find a cave to hide in. They remain in the caves until nightfall. That or they hide in a village that the kings armies attack while looking for them. The dialog outside of the European characters has to be in subtitles.

  • June 11, 2009, 4:48 p.m. CST

    What the hell?

    by Charlie_Allnut

    Sounds terrible, but it could be B movie fun if done right...probably not though.