Hey, folks. Capone in Chicago here.

It pains me to report that the first official film of the summer movie season doesn't even quite reach the level of so-so. Somehow actor Hugh Jackman, director Gavin Hood, and whoever else stepped in with the intention of making Wolverine a better, more exciting work, have instead created a film that is a patchwork plot populated by characters that we never get to know or care about. Remember when Wolverine was arguably the most interesting character in any of the X-Men film? I'm not sure what happened to that dude. What this film consists of is character after character trying to out-badass each other by looking meaner or dressing cooler than the next guy. The Black Eyed Peas' Will.I.Am in cowboy attire was more than I could take.

But let's put aside for a second the fact that many of these characters don't even belong in the same movie together because they never existed in the same timeframe in the comic books. Let's just look at what is here as a stand-alone piece. We begin in 1845, young Logan and young Victor (the boy who would grow up to be Sabertooth) were brothers. There's a strange and seemingly unnecessary sequence in which Logan is sick and the man he believes to be his father is trying to nurse him back to health. Then he finds out a different man is his father. If someone can explain why this is important, you're a better geek than me. Logan and Victor grow up together, and because they both possess incredibly healing powers, the aging process makes it appear that they never grow old; they do, they just grow old in very slow motion. Despite their being Canadians, they fight in the U.S. Civil War, both World Wars, and the Vietnam War, and it's clear that Victor (played as a savage adult by Liev Schreiber, one of the film's few genuine highlights) is evolving into a blood-thirsty animal, while Logan must work increasingly hard to keep Victor from entering into some kind of berserker rage.

The origin story shows the two men get work from a super-secret branch of the U.S. military that apparently has no rules. Other mutants are on the team, including Ryan Reynolds as the wisecracking Deadpool, maybe the only really interesting supporting character of the bunch, and naturally he's on screen maybe 10 minutes. But stay tuned until after the end credits why Reynolds might take such a small role in Wolverine. I was also kind of digging Kevin Durand as The Blob, but again, the guy barely registers in the plot. The twisted mastermind behind the team, and the eventual changes he offers Logan in order to get revenge on Victor for killing his girlfriend, is General William Stryker (Danny Huston, and played in later X-Men films by Brian Cox). He provides Logan the chance to become virtually indestructible by lacing his skeletal system with an impossible-to-destroy metal. Eventually the newly dubbed Wolverine goes against Sabertooth, and they claw the shit out of each other.

One of the problems I have with Wolverine is that it doesn't properly align itself with the first X-Men movie. Does it take place 10 years earlier? Fifteen or 20? The presence of a teenage Cyclops in the film, as well as an ill-placed cameo (that actually might make some people laugh) indicates a certain timeframe. But the equipment all looks so modern that even that assumption might be way off. One of the biggest disappointments of the film was Taylor Kitsch's portrayal of fan favorite Gambit. His Cajun accent is weak, and something about Gambit's power (to energize inanimate objects — including his favorite: a deck of cards) doesn't translate particularly well to film. He's throwing playing cards, for god's sake, and sometimes they go boom. Not much to it, really.

Part of the film's problem is that this doesn't really capture Wolverine at a particularly interesting time in his long life. That may seem like a ridiculous statement, but watching a character go from being ambivalent about his work to ambivalent with a side of moral conscience isn't that interesting, and Jackman doesn't seem that interested in acting as he does flexing his muscles and showing off his ass. Far more compelling is Schreiber, who is allowed to fully embrace his darkest elements and animal ferocity. I had a real blast watching him growing increasingly frustrated with having to hold back on military missions to being allowed to cut loose and kill innocents just to make a point.

The relationship between the brothers Logan and Vincent is meant to be the core element of this tale, but basically what happens when they're in a scene together is Wolverine yelling, "Victooooor!!!" and then Sabertooth snarls and jumps around with his naturally extended talons. The fight scenes are OK, especially one that appears to be atop the stack of a nuclear power plant. But the plot is so filled with both holes and unfinished threads. Why would Stryker spend hundreds of millions of dollars to beef up Wolverine's bones and then turn around and want to kill him? And I found myself asking these slightly obvious questions over and over again while viewing Wolverine. I was even in the mood for good escapist action entertainment; what I got instead was an absolute mess. I was a holdout even before I went into this; I thought it might actually be good. I'm man enough to admit my mistake.

-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com