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Harry says that CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE is the Stephen Hawking of Amphetimine Abusing Action Cinema!!!
SPOILER ALERT !!
I know the above headline looks like a crazed and inappropriate headline, but CRANK 2 really is the Stephen Hawking of Amphetamine Abusing Action Cinema! Stephen Hawking is THE GENIUS of Planet Earth today. But he's such a bizarre reality for such genius to be embodied in. He has a strange affliction, his voice is created via synthesized electronic wierdness and he moves via an electro-powered quasi-robotic super chair. And it's exactly that sort of weird, what the fuck brilliance that beats the traumatized heart of this second chapter of Chev Chelios nearly ending life!
In this film - I have come to the conclusion that Chev Chelios is a kissing cousin of fucking none other than goddamn Jason Vorhees. Imagine if Jason Vorhees wasn't a drowned retarded mutant child of a crazy psycho mother - but rather - he was a boy or standard intelligence given atheletic and human abilities which just a few people have ever been gifted with. His brain exists on video game logic and with pretty much no moral reality. He does what he wants, when he wants it, to whomever he wants - and there is literally nothing you can do to stop him. This isn't a mortal. This is possibly one of those beings that Zeus in the form of a peacock fucked a mortal and gave birth to a demi-god that was part Perseus and part-Calibos. He is a being that thrives in mayhem, insanity and that nothing could ever stop.
He is a force of unbridled affronted nature.
My fear when Lionsgate decided to not show this film to critics - even crazed critics like we have here in Austin - was that the internet Red-Band trailer that we all fucking loved... well, I was worried that we had a STUNTROCK situation - where they cut a trailer that the film just could not live up to.
FUCK THAT IN ITS EAR.
That trailer is made up of the most subtle and calm moments of this insane fucking movie.
The movie picks up at the exact end of the original film. From that moment he blinked he is scooped up by a spatula looking snow shovel and taken to an evil Asian lair where he has his heart removed and has an artificial heart put into its place. When he realizes that the asians are talking about harvesting the amazing Chelios Cock... he goes Chelios on the bitches and his kill crazed revenge path that he's taking to re-obtain his heart - which his buddy doctor from the first film, again played by Dwight Yoakam - who has a Robert Crumb wet dream of a Black woman across his lap whose ass he's fondling, probing and spanking as he's reintroduced to us.
Before we go any further - there is nothing subtle about this movie. There's massive tits, massive ass, massive anal penetration. There's shit so fucked up and weird that you'll find yourself holding your face in hysterical laughing shock.
That anal penetration - it involves crude oil and a fucking shotgun! There are more tits in this film than most likely thre rest of Hollywood's output for the year. The action is bugnuts insane - and then kicks it up to ludicrous speed! The fight in the electric grid station is right there with fucking Godzilla and Big Man Japan! And when you see that sequence - you couldn't imagine it getting any more fucking insane, but folks... they just coasted during that scene. There's a 40 degree downward grade leading up to a ramp that cleanly jumps the Grand Canyon of logic leaps that this movie takes.
Make no bones about it, this is an insane film. As the trailer would lead you to believe. But it has a straight forward plot. Man wakes up without his heart, has a limited time to find it and get it back into his chest. Along the way - he deals with multiple criminal organizations, busts a porn strike, fucks on a racetrack to generate static electricity to power his heart, he's aided by Pedro from NAPOLEON DYNAMITE who is a revenge hungry twin brother out to avenge his twin's death - he's lethally trained but has full body tourettes - which sometimes inhibits his ability to exact that revenge... and sometimes aids it. Bai Ling plays a crazy crack whore that falls in love with Chev when he rescues her (inadvertently) and he would rather place his cock in a blender than fuck her (and I believe him and agree).
This is a film that you have to give your entire attention to. If say - you're a twat twittering away trying to make snappy bullshit remarks while being a twittering twat. Well - who the fuck cares what you fucking think? WATCH THE MOVIE! And don't contribute to the already annoying theatrical experience of babies, assholes that didn't turn off their celphones - and now twittering twats like you. Unfuckingbelievable.
Sigh.
Anyway. JASON STATHAM has become a cinematic god because of this insane character. At our midnight screening at the Drafthouse - the audience cheered repeatedly - and after it was over - stood around chatting about the film with actual human beings. Try that. Try to actually connect with your fellow film goers instead of anonymous throngs on the internet. Who knows - maybe you'll make a real world friend - and at the very least - you'll actually have paid attention during the film so you could write about it without missing moments because you were twittering!
Fucking hysterical movie - meanwhile - feel free to follow my Twitterspat with the Theater Etiquette Retards of #TwitFlix at my twitter!
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...couldn't ruin my post-HIGH VOLTAGE high. This flick screams "TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE".
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..might be a good time, until I saw that fuck from Linkin Parkin, and heard their song in the trailer. I can't fucking stand anything they have anything to do with. It's too bad, this looked like it could be a decent hour and a half.
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is an amazing singer/actor.
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crank. worst thing ever recorded on a mini dv tape.
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the man can do no wrong, and his tweets are brilliant
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Me loves crazy btches
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But yeah...I'm not going to see this at the theater, but I will buy it the second it comes on DVD.
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Damn You Michael Bay
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this is indeed the bastard child of Tony Scott and Michael Bay...on drugs...with porn...and then some
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Back when Harry was twitterpating over something years back, I can't remember what it was about but thatw as the adjective he used and the very thought of it makes me squirm.
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Well... does she?
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His movies really remind me of Stallone movies. Kicking ass all the way. I hope this movie will really be insane, but since Harry calls Donkey Punch disturbing (and it wasn't) I fear for what he calls insane.
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I propose the following: a rival micro-blogging named after our favourite baldy Brit action man. Sending a "Stath" will involve up to 140 characters of the rudest words you can dream up: FUCK YOU YOU CUNTING SHITBAG PAEDOPHILE BABYRAPING COCKJOCKEY - that kind of thing. Fellow users will be able to log in and follow their friends and see how sweary they're being in their lives in real-time, and so understand that curse words are both big and clever.
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Make it so!! Chelios in space!!! Anally violating passengers on a spaceflight to mars....
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constantly irritated by the staff, but in love with the site? It might just be Harry's writing, but it grates. Not that his opinion is wrong; High Voltage looks like brainless afternoon/night-in fun.
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for theatrical bad manners. Because you're a known entity - its quite the opposite, your manners should be exemplary for others to follow.
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"which his buddy doctor from the first film, again played by Dwight Yoakam - who has a Robert Crumb wet dream of a Black woman across his lap whose ass he's fondling, probing and spanking as he's reintroduced to us."
Was the intent to make the review as random, jumpy and half formed as the movie likely is? -
Yep, I too have that feeling. And Jack Burton, you didn't even quote the worst parts of Harrys "review".
My god Harry, it would be hard to write something more incoherent. -
We need the Outlaw's take on this.
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Cinema attendents should be given licence walk up to anyone talking/twittering/ or just being a twat, with a bolt gun, hold it to the offenders temple pull the trigger then post the corpse back to it's mother with a note pinned to it saying 'Do better next time Bitch!!!'. Great moment at the screening of Fast & Furious I went to in Leeds on Monday. About 5 or 6 chavs were being noisy and frankly deserving of a bolt gun. Couldn't tell if they were male or female, chavs sound alike in semi darknes. Part of the inbreeding I guess and proof positive that they are new sub-species of Homo Sapian, Homo Chavitwatus. But I digress... As the BBFC card came up a few audience members called for them to shut up. One of the fools said 'make us' or words to that effect. At this point a black dude sitting two rows behind me got up. This guy wasn't just big in the way an Irish wolfhound is a big dog, this guy was Andre the Giant BIG. He walks down to the front row where the losers were, stands in front of them and in a very refined deep voice asked them VERY politely if they could kindly refrain from talking then he and his two friends who paid good money to see the film, would in turn, refrain from ensuring they would be deficating into a plastic bag for the rest of their lives. The audience cheered gave the guy a round of appaulse. The chavs never made another sound. At that point I wanted the guy to be Prime Minister!!! Live is good when you witness such things.
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Didn't Harry admit to twittering in the middle of a film not too long ago?
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Damnation Harold at least try to be coherent w/out so many stabs at being quoted in the blurbs. Gag. That made as much sense as the infamous Harold stream of hipsters gibberish of a few back.
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why the fuck not
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Crank was out there, but wasn't out there enough. Now he has a robot heart. Awesome.
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This reviewer obviously works for lionsgate.
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Actually, I know why it's not in yet. It'd be hazardous to Neill's health to go see this movie.
The concentrated two hours or so of pure awesomeness would cause Cumpston to explode in a shower of geez jizz all over Harry's auditorium. Not pretty. -
The only way this series could be improved would be to replace Stath with LORD BALE.
Just joshing. I loves me some CRANK action! -
Vern pretty much hated the first Crank (although he appreciated its ridiculousness), so I doubt he would like (or even watch) part 2.
But of course IF he would watch it, I would be happy to read a review for it, doesn't matter if he likes it or not. -
who would have thought a balding british guy would be the kickass action hero of this generation? i think the trick is to just not give a fuck what role you take. where would Schwarzenager be without Commando?
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its the next Myspace!
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Will defintely have to check this out.
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Apr 17, 2009 6:18:41 AM CDT
Harry loves [insert anything here]
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
If this one has that fucking annoying ring tone in it then count me out. And the guys who make this seem like absolute fuckwits.
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Apr 17, 2009 6:22:27 AM CDT
I don't know why I like Stratham so much
by christian_bale_trashed_my_lights
I couldn't exactly tell you why I enjoy watching Stratham in stuff, but he's fucking awesome. Could he kick Daniel Crag's ass? I dunno... but it would be awesome to see these two British bulldogs go head to head in something.Long live The Strath and his movies; the perfect escape from reality!
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America is the only country in the world where he could become a star.
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Apr 17, 2009 6:23:47 AM CDT
Statham will never rival Stallone or Arnie...
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
unless he stops making absolute shit like Death Race, ITNOTK and Transporter 3. Even Arnies worst flicks were dumbhouse classics. I'd rather Stath took a shit on my forehead than watch any of those flicks again.
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Is he Statham's stuntdouble?
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Ah Statham, such a mad, mad man. I love him for the films like this, where he is having the time of his life being the thickest, butchest, most mental cockney ever. This film is awesomely ridiculous.
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Do they have over 18 only showings of films in the US? Started over here last year. The difference in atmosphere is incredible. Room full of people who want to see a movie with out distraction. They've become so popular that someone who I know that works part time in a cinema tells me that at least one big cinema chain in the UK is giving serious consideration to refusing entry to under 15 after a set time unless their with a fare paying adult.
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Doubt i'll see CRANK 2 in the cinema but i'll definitely rent it on a beer and pizza night with the boys. Sounds like a shitload of fun.
Statham is indeed the man. Waiting for him to make a 'breakthrough' pic to proper stardom, but at the same time kinda hoping he never does. Dirty B flicks are where he truly belongs.
Caught DEATHRACE on Blu Ray a few nights ago and it's just a pleasure to see Statham being interviewed on the extras. Just a really down to earth guy with no pretensions, saying he wanted to be in the flick because it's a movie he would watch himself. I can't think of a better or more simple reason for an actor picking their roles.
Yes, and THE EXPENDABLES will definitely kick ass that little bit harder because of his inclusion. Send in The Stath. -
thing as well - they lost a lot of followers yesterday during the screening as they were giving stuff away.
Like you say, watch the fucking film! -
reviewer, Jason Statham is "not so much an actor who acts, he just perspires". Sums him up really. Still see this though, CRANK 1 was just nuts enough to be good. Is Amy Smart back for this one?
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"unless he stops making absolute shit like Death Race, ITNOTK and Transporter 3. Even Arnies worst flicks were dumbhouse classics" Droid.
Droid, i'd list among Arnies worst flicks; RAW DEAL, LAST ACTION HERO, COLLATERAL DAMAGE, END OF DAYS.
DEATH RACE may have been a silly B flick but i'd say it was a 'better' movie than those listed above. Statham's likeable presence and the incredible stunt with the crashing big rig were enough to make it worth a watch.
And be careful, Stath is just the kind of guy who WOULD take a shit on your forehead if you flamed him. -
Really likes this shit? He likes another movie????
1st one was crap..this one looks like it too..
Harry..PLEASE PLEASE turn the site over to someone who can run it without bias...Just GO AWAY! -
sorry Harry but the review was unpleasant and uneccessarily filthy. The occasional Harry-ism is fine but this was unreadable.
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RAW DEAL, LAST ACTION HERO, COLLATERAL DAMAGE, END OF DAYS are all shit, i agree. But goddamn they're enjoyable. Arnie is impossible to dislike on-screen. Statham is the same, but he keeps making absolute shit. Death Race wasn't fun at all. It was purile, repetitive shit directed by a talentless hack. I like Stath (please don't shit on my head, Mr. Statham). I just think he can do more than take his shirt off and headbutt people.
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Lionsgate has complete dropped the ball on the ad campaign. Great trailer penetration, very little TV commercial penetration.
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Droid, hehe - I like your plea to 'Mr. Statham'.
Okay, put it this way. If you were offered a free Blu Ray copy of one of the above mentioned movies (Arnie's greatest misses or Death Race) which one would you pick? -
This is the dump...
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Noonan as The Ripper makes it so.
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Droid, it was actually a trick question.
When you're asked to choose between a shit sandwich and a turd burger you answer 'none of the above'! -
I found reading this review to be a chore. Lazy swearing, horrible grammar, obvious typos, random everything.
Is this an act. A persona?
Like an inarticulate hyper child, maybe?
Kind of new here so I'm being serious.
Is this typical?
And considered respectable?
If so. Why?
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of Planet Earth today. IS HE FUCK! He's just well known. There are shitloads of smarter people than him, many of whom have debunked his theories. He's just got a cool gimmick.
& don't cry PC stuff. It's a fact. People like us know who he is, because he's the one, single, instantly recognisable, clever science guy.
& Crank 2 will be the same "Just outta film school" hack chancer shit as the first one.
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fuckin rules, Arnies most underrated movie, got shit on because Jurrasic Park dino pooed on it at the box office.
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as if he's the smartest person on Earth. What the fuck has he done of any use lately (like in the last twenty years)? Oh yeah, he's come up with a crackpot theory about other universes that is about as verifiable as Harry's consciousness...and just as believable. He is very smart, but I don't understand the popular notion that he is the cutting edge of physics. In related news, stocks in Harry's credibility dropped again today, leaving some to wonder if we've seen this thing bottom out yet.
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and no not Scriptgirl..
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I think she beat Hawking, (in an IQ test not as his nurse)
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there are people smarter within his own field alone. The reason the general public knows him but probably no other astrophysicists is his disability. That made him a character the media couldn't resist.
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instead of shift
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hey I should be a rapper, and I prefer Michio Kaku to Hawking.
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Trick question? I'll take anything if it's free!
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This mindless and vulgar drivel is a review? I don't think your "fuck" count was high enough for it to qualify as professional.
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is a classic.
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with an nice email explaining that anybody using that stupid fucking website while watching a film in a cinema is as bad as talking, texting, eating loudly etc etc. Honestly, no-ones opinions about a film are that important that the rest of the internet can't wait 2-3hrs to read them.
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You've made me the happiest fucking Stath' fan in the whole world.I can't damn wait to see this with my siminarly discerningly tasted friends.
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In a b-movie way. The metatextual stuff is spot on as well but the kid is really really annoying.
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Apr 17, 2009 8:22:36 AM CDT
That trailer is made up of the most subtle and calm moments of t
by cameron1
Sold!
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Droid, I think you win this round. THE LAST ACTION HERO fans are comin' out the woodwork to support you.
But i'll be back. Oh yes, i'll be back... -
It's pretty obvious Harry is overwhelmed with this review, but I do actually think they should use that quote when showing tv spots. "THE TRAILER ... - Harry Knowles"
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Don't fight it. Just give in to the power of Jack Slater and the magic ticket.
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It sounds like this is a speed induced celebration of everything wrong with our culture. Really I don't get it. Are we that depraved?
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Was shit. & who was Jack Slater by the way? I hope it was the kid.
One of the dumbest things in Arnie's movies was that he was always called John, or Jack or something.
Never Adolf, or Wolfgang. "Hi, I'm Jon Smith." No you're fuking not. You're Adolf fucking meschersmitt. Or hoever they write it. "No I am. I'm John Smith. I like Vindow Vipers." Fuck off. -
No edit button. What are ya gonna do? Send Arnie's Nazi dad over to hit me with a leather strap?
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this one looks MEGA-TERRIBLE.Statham is pretty cool, and I hope he's around for a while, but please J-DOG...enough with this turd franchise.
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but I hate it when physicists get into interpreting the raw data into some unprovable theory of everything. (Ahem! Brian Greene!) If I wanted that kind of shit I'd read one of those New Ager physics books by journalists who are so impressed with how spot on physics is with ancient metaphysics. Of fuckin' course it's spot on, ancient metaphysics had all the specificity of an Obama speech! Zing! It could have just as easily fit classical physics. That is one way in which I do appreciate Hawking. He has a very good habit of pointing out that scientific laws are mathematical abstractions of reality, not reality itself. Oh, yeah, and how the fuck does Statham keep making movies? Do they really make any money? "In The Name of The King" was just painful to watch, as was "Transporter 1&2". I couldn't bring myself to see 3.
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Apr 17, 2009 9:10:51 AM CDT
Jack Slater is the main character
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
As portrayed by the Austrian Oak. And since LAH is a satire of action flicks, something tells me the name is intentional. Not too hard to fathom that one.
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his name was Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Harry, Im not sure if its drugs or booze or too much Red Bull or what, but read that first paragraph again, it BARELY makes any sense. Hawking has a "strange affliction"? What are you a fucking retard?! You have a fucking affliction Harry. Im not doubting whether the movie is good or bad, its prob a fun mindless ride. However, you write like you are looking for every newspaper in the country to quote one of your moronic sentences, although, with the sewer mouth, I doubt thats possible. Read the other reviewers and thier style of writing. You need some guidance Harry, as youve seriously lost touch. While i LOVE this sight, and LOVE the talkbacks, and have for years, your writing, your self-centeredness, the way you inject yourself into almost every review like your some sort of wheelchair bound Hunter S Thompson (no offence to the late great Mr. Thompson) annoys, not only me, but likely 70-80% of the readers here. Youve kind of become like the old Uncle that comes over on Xmas that everyone loves but no really takes seriously anymore. Thats pretty fucking sad. You might want to ponder that Harry....And for people who tell me, if I dont like it I can leave, or Im just jealous, fuck you, yeah I AM jealous, I would love to have the money and power that Harry likely has, its just sad to him falling off like this. I mean, Im not the ONLY one saying this, am I?
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This has got me revved for some of the Chev. Cheers big guy.
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You were "twuttering" or something like that DURING a movie??!! Is that REALLY true? I hope that was a "private" screening, because if you were sitting next to me, I'd punch you in the fucking face......
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Apr 17, 2009 9:21:47 AM CDT
Which is why i said "as portrayed"
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
Not that it matters. The flick had Tom Fucking Noonan as The Ripper! What's not to like?
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Yeah, not too hard to fathom, EXCEPT his name was ALWAYS like that. In every movie. You can say it was some kind of classic ironic look at his own stuff, but it wasn't. It was half baked. Making fun of yourself only works if you're not called John in your next movie. Which he probably was.
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That being patronising only works if you're smarter than the guy you're talking down to.
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Mark Kaminsky, Gordy Brewer, Adam Gibson, Jericho Cane, Dr. Victor Fries, Howard Langston, Dr. Alex Hesse, Douglas Quaid, Julius Benedict, Capt. Ivan Danko, Ben Richards, Kalidor I counted 4 Jacks or Johns and one Harry (Tasker)
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personally I like Zizek. Equally as genius, and just as bizarre too. But anyway I will see this film, it looks fucking bugnuts.
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Apr 17, 2009 9:47:49 AM CDT
I find it amusing that the fact you're annoyed that...
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
some foreign bloke has stolen that good ol', red, white and blue name John in a few flicks. In the 80's and 90's it was one of the most popular names in america. To appeal to the slobering halfwit masses of middle america you aren't going to call your head cracking hero Heinrich or Florian. Accept it. Move on.
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of Planet Earth today. Firstly he's old and knows more stuff than Hawkings. Secondly he's not in a wheel chair yet. And those are all the points i need to make my case.
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I'm English. I just made a snide remark 'cause I've had a few beers & havin a laugh. Just messin about. In fact, I said it without saying the words, but part of my post was about the very same middle America thing you mentioned.
Note to self: when having abstract thoughts, write them, don't just think them. -
and I got a massive wheelchair bound boner for Staitham. Long live that man.
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Apr 17, 2009 9:58:27 AM CDT
So we're essentially agreeing but talking in circles
by i_am_not_the_droid_you_are_looking_for
What were we talking about again? More importantly, how'd you get on the beers so early? Lucky bastard.
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either you had a half day friday or you got a problem dude,
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While this review pumps me up, I have no idea what the hell this film is all about, with all the twitter ranting and raving. Here's a review I can make sense of:http://movies.sky.com/review/crank-2-high-voltage
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I'm in Japan mate. I've already passed the point where decent people go to bed even here. I'm the odd bloke who has bacon & egg sandwhiches & drinks 'til he falls over.
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Harry and his twat of a wife getting up in arms over a group of people sitting in the furthest row of seats in the theater is hilarious. Especially when he goes on to flex his internet muscles and talks about breaking their phones. Does anyone believe this fat fuck would do anything? Not one person in that theater was disturbed by their twittering. Quit trying to act like a tough guy, Harry.
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Dark Shite, I got pissed in Singapore one time and when they brought the bill it nearly bankrupted me. How's the alcohol prices in Japan?
ps. bacon & egg sarnies in Japan, a true Brit abroad... -
...around these parts, it's a wonder why the first film didn't get any press on this site. CRANK ROCKS!! bring on part 3!!! i think Chev has one more quarter in him.
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the movie is brilliant and Statham shows really good range. I admire the guy's work ethic - at the rate he's going, he will be the Michael Caine of our generation. I talking about quantity, not quality. He only needs ONE critical and financial Blockbuster (see Willis, Stallone and Arnie for ideas) and he is set for life - he CAN do it!
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Apr 17, 2009 10:33:22 AM CDT
Of course they aren't screen a movie like this for the critics
by rob0729
Whether this thing is a piece a crap or a masterpiece, most of the critics wouldn't get it. I liked the first Crank, but I can see why so many critics hated it.
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Chaos. Watch. Great... No more need be said.
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And the first Crank was stupid as fuck, and not in a good way. That aside, Statham has potential, but most his movies are shit. To his credit, at least he tries to act unlike Vin Diesel.
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Mate! Singapre is cheap as fuck! Really. You must have had the "tourist" look or maybe the "white guy look" (not racist, just true. If you don't know what you're doing in singapore, they'll screw ya). Same in Spain though, or anywhere.
No great economic advantage in Japan, but they're not gonna take youe eyes out either. In fact, service wise, you're better off. You know how you can go into a pub or a shop in the U.K & they act like it's a burden to do their jobs? Doesn't happen here mate. It's all about service. Life in Japan is like the U.s wanted to be. They told the Japanese to be like that..& they did it.Democracy, way too much consumerism, very little crime, everybody has a middle to upper middle class life. Not bad mate. Not bad at all. Boring as fuck (which is why I end up here), but otherwise a nice way to live. -
...I thought it was like a long music video. Very amp and headache inducing. But the outrageousness made me enjoy it, yet hate it just the same. I was very indifferent about the film. So, even after this review, I think that this one'll be fun to see but I'm not sure if I should go. Maybe I'll go. Maybe. But if its 10x as crazy as the first, like Harry had implied, I may not like it. But to be honest it looks fucking hilarious! So,....maybe....maybe.
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could care less about the second one, bring on star trek
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who was pretty messed up. He pretty much spent all of his time trying to find the most fucked-up porn imaginable. One time I actually went out drinking with the guy, and after a few beers he starts talking about how he'd like to rape a woman with a bunch of knives. Yeah, that dude was completely fucked up, and thank god that I will never ever see him again for as long as I live. Anyway, when I heard about the shotgun rape scene in this movie, my thoughts were pretty much identical to the whole knife-rape discussion. Who the hell wants to see that shit?
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what the fuck a twitter is?
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http://tinyurl.com/cx7a4c
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The strangest mix of sexy and scary of any modern actress.
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Suck it, punks.
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please god no!! don't let this be a common occurrence...this is why i watch films at the cinema during the day when theres only about 4 other ppl there. lessens the chance of my film being ruined. the cinema is not your front room cunts!!!!!!
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Apr 17, 2009 12:35:59 PM CDT
to all you motherfuckers with babies and cellphones in the theat
by prajadhipok
... shame on you
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Please, I beg you.
All of this personal bashing and twitter talk - Movie news is what we want. -
been a long time!
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Great fucking link! Fucking hilarious! AND totally appropriate....bravo sir...
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Yeah, that first movie tried SOOOOO hard to be this X-Treme Thing every 30 seconds that it just became really lame and blown out. Gonna skip this one, gladly. Fucking waste of time.
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Apr 17, 2009 1:18:03 PM CDT
I suppose Twitter is main-stream enough for Harry to piss on it
by il_deuce
I agree whole-heartedly that people on their phones, texting, IM'ing, whatever is fucking annoying. I also want to fucking kick all the crying babies, right after I punch the parents right in the throat.
What's the deal with slamming Twitter though, Harry? Is that the cool thing to do now? I twitter a lot. I like keeping in touch with a wide network of people in short bursts. (You bitches can follow me at www.twitter.com/iamrafsusername)
Now, why in the fuck would you first slam twitter and then whore your own twittering out to the AICN crowd? It makes no sense. Whatever. It doesn't matter. It just kinda bugged me a bit.
Aside from the Twitter-bile, good review. -
Carpenter wanted Statham to be the star but the studio pushed Ice Cube. Good job.
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...that I also agree that Twitter is for retards.What you had for breakfast is not that interesting, and if your friends think so...they're retards. Or 12, either way...retards.
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It's like having your nose hairs yanked out one-by-one with tweezers by a very naked and oiled-up Halle Berry. It's painful as hell, but no way in hell are you going to turn away!
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this movie looks so bad I want to.....
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................
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With disgust.
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deny the Twitter. It is for social rejects. Name all the names you want. They are all social rejects and the bottom of the intellectual food chain. Reject the Twitter and follow me to FREEDOM. (or continue to bleet like the sheep you are.)
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'Academy Award Winner' Halle Berry is actually now available for naked, oiled-up nasal tweezering.
Things have been pretty slow for her since XMEN 3... -
He would be perfect!
-
Apr 17, 2009 3:05:37 PM CDT
Will never rival Stallone etc ... unless he stops making films l
by jazzdownunder
NEWSFLASH: Stallone was IN the ORIGINAL Death Race!
Would seem to be entirely compatible with rivalling Stallone, assuming that that is the specific career path that Stath has carved out for himself (which I doubt)
And there I thought the people on this site KNEW their movies! Even the shite ones. Hell, especially the shite ones. -
THAT should be entertaining.
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The difference is Stallone made Death Race BEFORE he was famous. Statham made Death Race 10 fucking years after he became famous AND he fucking starred in it. AND it's yet another notch on the belt of unwatchable shit. I'm not never said Stallone and Arnie haven't made shitty flicks. They have. (Especially Stallone) But their shitty flicks are often their most enjoyable. Cobra is a steaming pile of shit and I love every fucking second of it. Who else but Sly could cut a slice of leftover pizza with a pair of scissors!? But until Stath actually makes an honest to god GREAT flick, like Rocky or Terminator, he'll never rival Stallone or Arnie. But thanks for the newsflash.
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I need a drink
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In which Chav Chelios's heart is wired to a nuclear bomb set to explode if his pulse drops below a certain number.
You know it's coming... -
From what I hear, the people involved in this mass-twitter live blogging were separated from the rest of the theater. I get it- using your cellphone during a film is annoying. But this was a group of people who FUCKING LOVED the first Crank and have been counting down the days until the 2nd. They wanted to try something new and share their excitement with the film's other fans. Shame on you for calling them out, you fat fuck. If you think for a fucking second that this is going to inspire others to text / twitter in every film from here on in, then you're a lot dumber than I've ever given you credit for. You've shown time and time again how big of a hypocrite you are... your newfound love / hate relationship with Twitter is no different.
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Yes, slamming Twitter is very much the cool thing to do, now. In fact, I wouldn't fess up to doing it on any site that cool people browse.
Talkbackers hate it, also. -
Inanity
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the Twitter to save their dignity. We are all barely above our Geico using brethren just for posting here.
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Is Harry talking about Alex Billington? Devin at CHUD has a rant today about him doing this same thing... coincidence?
http://chud.com/articles/articles/19042/1/THE-DEVIN039S-ADVOCATE-WHAT-KIND-OF-A-DOUCHEBAG-MOVIE-CRITIC-TWITTERS-THROUGH-A-MOVIE/Page1.html -
It's not as romantic as the first one.
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Rubber Babby Buggie Bumpers. Betcha didn't know I was gonna say that.
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has their pokes person came and inseminated their opinion yet?
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When theater etiquette is already shameful in this country and around the world, I'm really saddened that such cool people would think it "clever" to push the theater going experience's face even deeper in the mud. Bad form fellas.
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at least not anymore. he has great difficulty communicating now, and his apprentices do most of the thinking for him. sad really. he hasnt been able to keep up with the greatest minds for decades now.
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if it wasn't for his limitations, we'd have warp drive by now
I say we burn him with cigaretts
The problem is obviously a motivation thing -
she might the reason I go see this thing. It's probably more plausible than Transporter 2 and 3.
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Your card is marked, you fucking amateur. Your lights will be motherfucking TRASHED!
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we take spuds out back and chop them up for Bale fuud
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I can only hope this movie is half as amazing as the first one. I can't remember, before or since, laughing with unbridled joy so much at such insanity. That movie was fucking bugnuts, and frankly, if you DON'T like CRANK, I don't want to drink with you, buddy.
Chev Chelios is a FUCKING PROFESSIONAL! He's a NICE GUY! He's a NICE FUCKING GUY! -
Its like every piece that Harry writes becomes a hate-a-thon, Dude, doesnt this bother you? You really are losing your fans rapidly Knowles.....
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Where I come from, the fucking spuds eat YOU!
Convert now, or fall forever. Lord Bale will NOT be denied. -
Fucking virtual social retardation, let's be honest. It's like posting on forums for people who are so ADD they can't post more than 40-odd words. Jeeeeeeeesus.
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She kept playing with real eyeballs and fucking her brother Michael Wincott (Bale's evil twin!) in THE CROW. She's a great villainess, but sleep with her? FUCK no!
Maybe it's a Spud thing. Gimme Nigella, then you perverts can go bukkake on the Ling, or whatever takes your fancy. Heh heh. -
you may be fit fodder for The Bale.
We have a Baler, that takes fodder and make Bales of Bale Chow(tm).
We then place Bales of Bale Chow(tm) in strategic places around the world.
So that The Bale may graze on a Bale of Bale Chow(tm) whenever he sees fit.
And in between his indiscrimite sexual rampages -
You should relax the muscles around any orifice you have
You should also knock any teeth you have out.
After all, you wouldn't want to risk nicking The Bale. -
is a Public Service Announcement
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you can all suck my veiny... (go to www.twitter.com/iamrafsusername to read the rest. Follow me. I twitter about how your girlfriend's vagina tastes, WHILE I'M EATING IT!)
No seriously, Twitter is only fucking pointless and mindless when in the wrong hands. Any cunt can twitter about boring crap. "Hey look! Green poop!" "The cat just meowed! Lawl!" "That man just crawled into my window again... I'm peeing myself in fear."
Anyone can do that. It is truly great when used with humor and creativity. Something a large majority of you circus rejects seem to lack. I understand that twittering while watching a movie is fucking retarded/annoying as all fuck. It's also annoying to even see your screen light up in my peripheral. It's fucking distracting. I turn my phone off all the way for those 90+ minutes. For that time, I'm knee deep in cinematic adventures. So, in that sense I agree with you guys.
In regards to the Twitter though... you guys are just jealous beetches. You're just mad you didn't jump on this from the get-go.
and Harry, you're a hypocrite. -
I'd fuck her til next thursday
Then I'd take her clubing and dancing
And then the cycle begins again -
Coming Soon To A Home Invasion Near You!
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Good on ya' for not Twittering in the theater. Poor form and all. As a matter of fact, I would go immediately to a theater now, if I were you, and turn my phone off. Forever. Or, as an alternative, I would turn my computer off if I were you. And use it to smash my phone. If I were you. And then I would switch from State Farm to Geico. You know, if I were you.
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Watch Him Pull kanYe West Out Of His Own Ass.
TAADAA!
Nothing Up His Sleeves Folks -
SILENCE! I KIIIIIIIILL YOU!!!
Bale laughs at your four winds! When I die, I will be brought before him, and he will ask me, "What don't you FUCKING UNDERSTAND?". And if I do not know the answer, he will cast me out of T4 and laugh at me!
But as Bale is my witness, I am a Professional. I will not fail! WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?
you're a nice guy, Melvin, but FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! -
I'm sure you'll be allowed to nuzzle at The Teat of Bale.
The Warm Rich LifeBlood will give you Loins.
Loins of Thrusting -
Crank 2 has bullshit written all over it.
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that would have been even more incredulous in this movie would be seeing that emaciated bitch eating a sandwidh!!!!
And, no she is not naked in the movie!!
Also, this has been great reading, loved every minute of it.
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Going by your reaction, Harry, I'm betting he'll probably find it fucking annoying as shit and I can't wait to read that review :D
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"I'm the famous comedian Arnold Brownshweiger." Also, Charles Dance was fucking epic as baddie Benedict. Easily on par with Rickman's Gruber, for my money. Great score, tons of cameos, one of Arnie's most complicated and poignant roles...you know, if you don't like this movie, I don't think you should be allowed to watch any more of them.
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Shit is getting real.
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Both Mr. Hawking & Mr. Knowles both have to exist hour-by-hour in a wheelchair. You'd know from other reviews that Harry's a very frustrated man with his sitation and why Mr. Hawking might be an inspiration (perhaps sub-conscious?).
Can't say I'd be any different if I were in the same situation. -
What those Human Giant guys did was funny but Harry is right, if twitflix catches on it could get bad.
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its a bio-pic showing what our lord Bale does everyday. damn you light-tweakers!!!!
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You're in for a treat, this movie is 3 times more bugnuts insane than the original, which is crazy as fuck. I loved it so much I came back and watched the 1015 show. Yes, I saw it twice in one day. Fuck it was so damned funny, I fell on the floor at the sex scene.
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...could think Steven Hawking was 'The Genius' of today. Hawking is fine. But its the fact that he's in a wheelchair that has earned him his fame. There are lots of people plenty smarter than Hawking, who has (if we're being honest) contributed very little to the field for many years. No disrespect to the guy intended.
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Survivors of what is now being called *The Event* said: "He got that look on his face".
Chickens were heard squaking in the distance.
And a trail of feathers was lost in the gathering dusk.
The search for survivors was called off and a spokesperson had this to say: "We have to take care of our own. If there's anyone left alive out there, they'll have to fend for themselves"
When contacted the FBI had this to say: "Our budget doesn't cover this".
We contacted ex Vice President Dick Cheney who would only say: "Ahh to be a hundred again".
More as this story develops. -
In what is now being called a separate event started with a Woody Allen interview.
When asked about his involvement Allen had this to say: *All I said is "Wanna Smell My Fingers?" It's not my fault!.*
At this point, Sir Michael Caine, who was nearby, leaned in and sniffed Woody Allen's fingers.
As a witness of what happened next all I can tell you is he got that look on his face.
And you can quote me.
As a survivor and a brunette, as are all the survivors.
I have to tell you, if you are non-brunette and in the path or wake of this event. If you can't escape. Kill yourself in the most humane way possible.
We attempted to contact the FBI but all their phones give a disconnected signal.
A reporter on site tried to interview ex Vice President Dick Cheney.
Dick Cheney who wouldn't open the door and only responded thru a peep hole said "Is Woody Allen in town?".The ex Vice Presidents secret service agents are described as being very pale and nervous.
We expect to have satellite coverage of these events soon. -
You have a serious Hunter S. Thompson style that I LOVE! You NEED to cover the next election or some IMPORTANT event in the near future. I'll go with you as your trusty sidekick that brings a suitcase full of narcotics...
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Apr 18, 2009 1:41:51 PM CDT
Christian Bale could eat Jason Statham for breakfast.
by scriptgirl_nipples
and still have time to shout at random people about their bad lighting technique.
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MASSIVE TITS, ANAL RAPE, SHOTGUN, TITS, STATHAM, TITS INSANITY, TITS, BAI LING, TITS, COCK IN A BLENDER, TITS, TWITTER, TITS.
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What you said - as awesome as The Stath is, he's not in the same league as Lord Darth Bale, who would have grabbed the bad guy in the first movie, yanked his fucking skeleton out of his body by first reaching down his throat, grabbing the oesophagus and pulling REALLY FUCKING HARD - and then jumped from the helicopter at the end, landed on his feet, and gone off for a marathon fuckathon with Lt Andie MacDowell. Sweeeeeeeeeet downhome peach pie!
Yes, BALE>STATH. But there is no shame in this. The Stath still has his pride. -
You know, I never understood why that movie got the shitty reviews it did. I thoroughly enjoyed it, it had a great subtext about the magic of cinema - basically it was MICHAEL BAY'S CINEMA PARADISO - and the action in it was more than worthy. Loved the relationship between the kid and Arnie, and the kid and the elderly cinema projectionist - all great wish-fulfilment stuff. Yes it was going head-to-head with JURASSIC PARK, and no-one was going to beat the dinopaurs in 1993 - but LAST ACTION HERO was waaaaay unfairly panned. It's not just a great movie fullstop, it's one of Arnie's best movies too. Charles Dance is great (though he'll alway be Sardo Numspa from THE GOLDEN CHILD to me!) and so is F Murray Abraham ("Don't trust him! He killed Mozart!"). But Arnie's a revelation in this - I love the scene where real Arnie meets Jack Slater and complements him on how much he looks like him, and Jack says "I hate you. You've brought me nothing but pain". There's a depth and pathos to LAST ACTION HERO that's lacking in his other work, and the movie really gets over what it would be like for a movie cop in the real world. Also love the scene where Benedict shoots a gangbanger, then yells "I just shot someone, and I want to confess!", and FUCK ALL HAPPENS - no cops to arrest him, nothing except tired neighbours yelling abuse back at him.
Yeah, LAST ACTION HERO gets mad proops from me. Ignore the fucking reviews, everybody. They gave shitty reviews to HUDSON HAWK and BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA too, and both are on heavy fucking rotation in my casa.
LAH is the bomb. All hail Braunschweiger! -
Was there a reviewer at your screening? Or just some knob posting on the Total Film forums whilst in the cinema?
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Diametrically opposed claims: "Before we go any further - there is nothing subtle about this movie...This is a film that you have to give your entire attention to." Harry, do you even fucking read the shit that you write?
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And Last Action Hero is a motherfuckin' classic.
Word. -
But what is with this anti-internet craziness Harry? You are an internet.
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Apr 20, 2009 2:26:24 AM CDT
The asians are talking about harvesting the amazing Chelios cock
by vvrinne
Who here can claim they didn't lol at that?
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Geri Halliwell turns up as chevs mum interviewing him on chat show. the movie is that bonkers.
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critics hated it because it was one in along line of movies which went way over budget. critics dont like big dumb action movies, they only want hollywood to make smart literary movies. last action hero was for them at least another dumb arnie action movie. Critics hate dumb.
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What? That review was probably as insane as the movie.
A twittering tawt -
that makes zero sense...the film is really supersmart? (or cripppled?) course harry is functionally illiterate.
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The audience was totally into this flick. Not sure why it wasn't previewed for critics. It's sitting at 70% on RottenTomatoes, better marks than a lot of crap released. If you want to have a good time go see this with a crowd. Fucking awesome!
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fighting for his life. said to be very ill.
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Or alcohol.
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He was taken into Addenbrookes Hospital in Cambridge yesterday with a suspected chest infection, but has improved today, is being described as "comforatable" and is expected to make a full recovery. He has motor neurone disease.
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explaining Cockney Slang to the girl I was watching it with was not so fun. "Barney Rubble means trouble, bitch!" Made her watch Lock, Stock later that night. Not too bright. Luckily, she has wonderful breasts.
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Didn't Chev die at the end of the first movie? Shit the first movie wasn't even that great, but they do a sequel?
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I recently got to see Knowing and there was at least six people sitting theie testing. I wish i had some popcorn so I could beam the in the head.
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Says it all really. Huge huge fun
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Harry was spot on with this review-it was almost something you couldn't write a sensible review about.
It cannily removed alot of the issues in the forst one that I too had problems with-even though several scenes were classic...
I recommend it for theater viewing *this* weekend because all of the new releases look to be Poo...
Do Not take a date unless she can outdrink/do more drugs than you and has a larger porno collection he he
Freakin' classic-and i didn't like the first one all that much-and I believe you guys when ya say Transporter 3 was really lame.
It was just a differnt movie-not in the same universe as the first...
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...that audiences always "cheer repeatedly" at your screenings. funny, but most of the audience i saw this retarded piece of redneck shit with, walked out before it was over. and it's only 96 minutes! seriously though, the fact that you liked this means that you'll like anything and have absolutely zero credibility.
but then, i guess we already knew that when you said you LOVED "observe and report". -
Harry, how is it that you are able to write a review of Crank 2 and not mention the buck toothed Asian stereotype played by David Carradine, or the Asian whore stereotype played by Bai Ling? That's like writing a review of Birth of a Nation, without writing about the inherent racism imbued in its portrayal of Black men. This film is loaded with ethnic stereotypes. But I guess if you are white you don't care how ethnic minorities are portrayed, you just care about how Jason Statham dispatches them.
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Just don't have the time to see it in the theater with the friend of mine that appreciated the first one with me. This is simply a cult movie, have low expecations and assume things won't make sense or will be impossible and don't treat it like a serious movie. That's how I see it. But I will say the directors of this film are taking themselves a little seriously. They have another movie coming out in September called Citizen Game or something about a future where people control other people like a video game and make them do things. It stars Gerard Butler and "Dexter" from the show Dexter. I forget his name. Anyway, in the related article for that film on IMDB they talk about how Lionsgate has a new "brand" with their films that are basically saving lionsgate. Like the Saw franchise. They call it the N/T brand after the initials of their last names. I just don't think they're that big yet. Also does anyone remember when Lionsgate put out respectable independent films and now they just put out schlock like saw 8 and the crank films. I guess independent movies are essentially dead regardless of how much the cannes film festival wants to deny it.
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This movies idea has been totally lifted from another writer.
Unfortunately the writer has more than enough to fight back with the obvious theft. -
gwpwUH gKusZBE
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eQOPzoYf xnyzuTRP
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