I know the above headline looks like a crazed and inappropriate headline, but CRANK 2 really is the Stephen Hawking of Amphetamine Abusing Action Cinema! Stephen Hawking is THE GENIUS of Planet Earth today. But he's such a bizarre reality for such genius to be embodied in. He has a strange affliction, his voice is created via synthesized electronic wierdness and he moves via an electro-powered quasi-robotic super chair. And it's exactly that sort of weird, what the fuck brilliance that beats the traumatized heart of this second chapter of Chev Chelios nearly ending life!

In this film - I have come to the conclusion that Chev Chelios is a kissing cousin of fucking none other than goddamn Jason Vorhees. Imagine if Jason Vorhees wasn't a drowned retarded mutant child of a crazy psycho mother - but rather - he was a boy or standard intelligence given atheletic and human abilities which just a few people have ever been gifted with. His brain exists on video game logic and with pretty much no moral reality. He does what he wants, when he wants it, to whomever he wants - and there is literally nothing you can do to stop him. This isn't a mortal. This is possibly one of those beings that Zeus in the form of a peacock fucked a mortal and gave birth to a demi-god that was part Perseus and part-Calibos. He is a being that thrives in mayhem, insanity and that nothing could ever stop.

He is a force of unbridled affronted nature.

My fear when Lionsgate decided to not show this film to critics - even crazed critics like we have here in Austin - was that the internet Red-Band trailer that we all fucking loved... well, I was worried that we had a STUNTROCK situation - where they cut a trailer that the film just could not live up to.

FUCK THAT IN ITS EAR.

That trailer is made up of the most subtle and calm moments of this insane fucking movie.

The movie picks up at the exact end of the original film. From that moment he blinked he is scooped up by a spatula looking snow shovel and taken to an evil Asian lair where he has his heart removed and has an artificial heart put into its place. When he realizes that the asians are talking about harvesting the amazing Chelios Cock... he goes Chelios on the bitches and his kill crazed revenge path that he's taking to re-obtain his heart - which his buddy doctor from the first film, again played by Dwight Yoakam - who has a Robert Crumb wet dream of a Black woman across his lap whose ass he's fondling, probing and spanking as he's reintroduced to us.

Before we go any further - there is nothing subtle about this movie. There's massive tits, massive ass, massive anal penetration. There's shit so fucked up and weird that you'll find yourself holding your face in hysterical laughing shock.

That anal penetration - it involves crude oil and a fucking shotgun! There are more tits in this film than most likely thre rest of Hollywood's output for the year. The action is bugnuts insane - and then kicks it up to ludicrous speed! The fight in the electric grid station is right there with fucking Godzilla and Big Man Japan! And when you see that sequence - you couldn't imagine it getting any more fucking insane, but folks... they just coasted during that scene. There's a 40 degree downward grade leading up to a ramp that cleanly jumps the Grand Canyon of logic leaps that this movie takes.

Make no bones about it, this is an insane film. As the trailer would lead you to believe. But it has a straight forward plot. Man wakes up without his heart, has a limited time to find it and get it back into his chest. Along the way - he deals with multiple criminal organizations, busts a porn strike, fucks on a racetrack to generate static electricity to power his heart, he's aided by Pedro from NAPOLEON DYNAMITE who is a revenge hungry twin brother out to avenge his twin's death - he's lethally trained but has full body tourettes - which sometimes inhibits his ability to exact that revenge... and sometimes aids it. Bai Ling plays a crazy crack whore that falls in love with Chev when he rescues her (inadvertently) and he would rather place his cock in a blender than fuck her (and I believe him and agree).

This is a film that you have to give your entire attention to. If say - you're a twat twittering away trying to make snappy bullshit remarks while being a twittering twat. Well - who the fuck cares what you fucking think? WATCH THE MOVIE! And don't contribute to the already annoying theatrical experience of babies, assholes that didn't turn off their celphones - and now twittering twats like you. Unfuckingbelievable.

Sigh.

Anyway. JASON STATHAM has become a cinematic god because of this insane character. At our midnight screening at the Drafthouse - the audience cheered repeatedly - and after it was over - stood around chatting about the film with actual human beings. Try that. Try to actually connect with your fellow film goers instead of anonymous throngs on the internet. Who knows - maybe you'll make a real world friend - and at the very least - you'll actually have paid attention during the film so you could write about it without missing moments because you were twittering!

Fucking hysterical movie - meanwhile - feel free to follow my Twitterspat with the Theater Etiquette Retards of #TwitFlix at my twitter!