Beaks here...

Got plans for Thursday, Friday and/or Saturday night? Cancel 'em.

Let's start with Thursday and Friday (April 16th and 17th). The Alamo Drafthouse Cinemapocalypse is hitting the New Beverly Cinema, and they're fixin' to work us over with five deranged grindhouse classics that screen, like, never. Of the group, only one is available on DVD. The others (in particular the grand finale - which never even made to VHS!) will probably be unavailable for years to come. I understand that life gets in the way sometimes and you're forced to tend to business or family obligations. Happens to the best of us. But if you miss these screenings, you are a real piece of shit.

Up first is the "Psychosexual Maniacs" triple feature - which is a must-attend even if you've somehow seen all three movies because the legendary Sybil Danning will be in the house!!! Since I've never seen any of these (who's the piece of shit now, Beaks?), I'll let Lars and Zack from the Drafthouse make their pitch:

Thursday April 16
PSYCHOSEXUAL MANIACS Triple Feature!
at the New Beverly Cinema in Los Angeles

7:30pm
JULIE DARLING (1983) - NOT ON DVD!
{aka DAUGHTER OF DEATH}
Directed by Paul Nicolas
Starring Anthony Franciosa, Sybil Danning and Isabelle Mejias

I’ve never had kids and I never will. I’ve watched enough movies to know they’re bad news. Even if they aren’t possessed by the devil, they still learn to hate you and all you stand for - even as they eat all your food and wreck your sex life! If I ever waver in my determination to remain child-free, I’ll just thread this movie up and feel my testes retract. In this cinematic curio - kind of a cross between a Lifetime Original Movie and a Spaghetti Western, an actress named Isabelle Mejias gives a performance to remember as a daughter with a serious daddy hang up. There’s not a huge volume of physical violence in the film but the spriritual violence wrought by the cunning and manipulative teenager is hellishly intense. Starring Anthony Franciosa as the lucky dad and Teutonic Amazon Sybil Danning as the girl’s unlucky new step-mom. It’s only appropriate to warn you that the wrong-meter goes into the red here several times, which is just where I like it! Director Paul Nicolas also made CHAINED HEAT, my pick for greatest Women In Prison movie of all time. Be here! (Lars)

10:00pm
POOR PRETTY EDDIE (1975)
{aka REDNECK COUNTY RAPE}
Directed by Chris Robinson and David Worth
Starring Leslie Uggams, Shelly Winters, Michael Christian, Ted Cassidy, Dub Taylor and Slim Pickens

This goodtime backwoods holocaust is both an exploitation masterpiece and a searing assault on all races, genders, social classes and good taste. Respected singer/actress Leslie Uggams dives deep into the cinematic netherworld as road-weary celebrity Liz Wetherly who stops off at a rural hotel for a little R&R…which in this case stands for Rape and Revenge. After being violated by the psychotic Elvis-obsessed hotel handyman, Liz finds little sympathy from the sheriff (DR. STRANGELOVE’s Slim Pickens) or the assorted colorful locals, including Shelley Winters, consummate hillbilly Dub Taylor and Ted “Lurch” Cassidy. Unable to break free of the community’s filth-caked grip, she spirals ever deeper into the tangled web of paranoia, hatred and mental illness that the entire local populace feeds on like an anguish buffet. Most notable is the film’s inevitably brutal climax, a perfectly composed extermination of the human spirit like nothing you’ll ever experience again. (Zack)

Midnight
PSYCHO FROM TEXAS (1975/1981) - NOT ON DVD!
Directed by Jack Collins and Jim Feazell
Starring John King III, Herschel Mays, Tommy Lamey, Candy Dee, Janel King and Linnea Quigley

Already a cult favorite among the most discriminating hicksploitation connoisseurs, this cheap, sleazy slice of lone-star low-life is finally poised to infect the rest of the country. All Texans are familiar with this film but the very mention of its title is oddly taboo. It's a little like the mentally deficient cousin with the weird ears who lives in the basement and eats bugs. We just don't talk about it. Well, maybe now's the time to start because there's a lot to love about this movie. The titular psycho, Wheeler, is one of the most memorable characters in regional filmdom. John King III deserved an Oscar for his performance as the mommy obsessed killer with the weird laugh and the unorthodox fried chicken eating technique. But it may be Tommy Lamey as Wheeler's toothpick-worrying sidekick Slick who provides the most memorable moments in the film, notably a long foot chase that takes up probably a third of the run-time and provides laughs galore - as you'll see. PSYCHO FROM TEXAS features more scummy dialogue, K-mart fashions, mean rednecks, continuity lapses, incongruous BOING sound effects and country cuties than any film you can name. Do not miss! (Lars)

Sounds heavenly. Now what about Friday?

Friday April 17
BARREL OF MONKEYS Double Feature
at the New Beverly Cinema in Los Angeles

SURF 2 - END OF THE TRILOGY 7:30
25th ANNIVERSARY SCREENING!
Dir. Randall Badat, 1984, 35mm, 91 min, R - NOT ON DVD!
One of the supreme party romps of the genre’s defining decade, here is a No Rules celluloid powerhouse that doubles as a 300-fisted beachfront avalanche of insanity! Honestly, this greatest-mohawked-surfer-zombie-comedy-ever-made is best summarized by writer/director Badat: “Menlo Schwartzer - the geekiest mad scientist of all - wants to rid the world of surfers by transforming them into garbage-ingesting zombie punks! But no way dude can he stop their most awesome party!” SURF II (no, there was not a SURF 1) packs more early ‘80s drive-in mania into one movie than even a brain in the final stages of rabies can handle. Drooling undead new wave boneheads, valley girls, electronically transgendered geekazoids in underwater fortresses, the guy who played everyone’s favorite corpse in WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S, spazztastic video game combat and an appearance from actor Fred Asparagus as “Fat Boy # 1”! Speaking of the stellar Z-caliber cast, this picture sports a career-best lead performance from Supreme Alpha Nerd Eddie Deezen, as well as surprise roles from Ruth Buzzi, Carol Wayne and BLAZING SADDLES’ Cleavon Little. Combine with the pogo-inducing soundtrack by Oingo Boingo and The Circle Jerks and you have the most entertaining IQ-remover The Video Age ever shat out! Totally retardular!!! (Zack)

CARNIVAL MAGIC 9:30
Dir. Al Adamson, 1981, 35mm, 85 min, “G” - NOT ON VHS, DVD or ANYTHING ELSE!Alright, it’s time to get serious. Very serious. Because this is possibly the rarest movie on the entire planet. As far as we can determine, only one print exists of this thing and we’ve got it. And we’re going to share it with you. If you’re a fan of the cinematic badlands, you’ve seen some pretty strange things. But unless you’ve guzzled embalming fluid on the moon with Bigfoot you’ve never seen anything quite as awe-inspiringly jacked-up as this “inspirational” kids’ movie from the director of SATAN’S SADISTS and BLACK SAMURAI. Why anyone thought this was appropriate for children we’ll never understand. Granted, it might be educational for kids to see the lion tamer gratuitously slapping his girlfriend around or a teenage girl apparently giving an ape hand-relief (we didn’t believe it at first either), we don’t know if we’d be prepared to field Junior’s many questions about the unsavory goings-on in the cheapest, most depraved carnival this side of Tod Browning’s FREAKS. (Lars)

Does it get any better than that? Perhaps. How do you feel about Dolph Lundgren? Me, too. Now how do you feel about an all-day, five-film Dolph-a-thon?

From Phil Blankenship, the mad genius who brought you January's Festival of Swords and Sorcery, it's "I Must Break You: The Films of Dolph Lundgren". It all starts at 4 PM on Saturday at the New Beverly, and it's going to be a Creed-killin' good time. Here's the lineup:

Red Scorpion (1989) 4pm
dir. Joseph Zito, starring Dolph Lundgren, M. Emmet Walsh, Al White, T.P. McKenna, Brion James

Universal Soldier (1992) 6pm
dir. Roland Emmerich, starring Dolph Lundgren, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Ally Walker, Jerry Orbach

Rocky IV (1985) 8pm
dir. Sylvester Stallone, starring Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Talia Shire, Burt Young, Carl Weathers, Brigitte Nielsen

The Punisher (1989) 10pm
Original Director's Cut - Director Mark Goldblatt IN PERSON
dir. Mark Goldblatt, starring Dolph Lundgren, Louis Gossett Jr.

I Come In Peace (1990) Midnight
dir. Craig R. Baxley, starring Dolph Lundgren, Brian Benben, Betsy Brantley, Matthias Hues

Please note that's the "Original Director's Cut" of THE PUNISHER with Academy Award-nominated editor (for TERMINATOR 2: JUDGMENT DAY) Mark Goldblatt in attendance. His other film as a director? DEAD HEAT. You're so there.

You might as well just call in sick for the next two days and pitch a tent out front of The New Beverly tonight. I'll see you there.