Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.

There are so many possible ways to begin this review. I'm tempted more than you could possibly imagine to simply begin it by saying the feature film version of the Disney Channel's wildly popular "Hannah Montana" show is complete and utter garbage, filled with shallow characters, poor acting, paint-by-numbers songs and about as many laughs as a documentary about the Hitler invading Poland. But simply summarizing HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE in such a crude (albeit 100 percent accurate) manner would require me to skim right over just what makes this abysmal work not just a prime example of bad filmmaking but also a comment on what society values, youth culture, and how mediocrity and level of success can sometimes have an inverse relationship. All of that said, if you are in possession of a tweenage girl, they are going to go insane for this movie. At least the ones in my audience did, and that just made the whole experience of watching this so much more... memorable.

The film's first major mistake is that it never really explains why Miley Stewart (played by Miley Cyrus' enormous top teeth) has to keep her identity as pop star Hannah a secret. There are some allusions to her wanted to have the option of leading a "normal life" outside of being a singing sensation in her pink and purple world, but nothing in this movie shows any evidence of her life being any easier as Miley. She spends about 75 percent of her time trying to find a private place to change from one persona into the other. Her father Robby (played by Miley's "Achy Breaky" dad Billy Ray Cyrus and his sidekick soul patch) thinks that being Hannah has made Miley forget where she came from and how to appreciate the simple things in life, so he kidnaps her and takes her back to her hometown of Crowley Corners, Tennessee, complete with home-spun characters from Central Casting. We do get to see a little bit of the great Margo Martindale as Miley's grandmother, but we also have to endure the dreamy smile of Lucas Till as Travis, a cowpoke who is working the Stewart farm for the summer. The town center is in jeopardy of being torn up and developed by a greedy land tycoon (Barry Bostwick), and Miley/Hannah must save the day... with a benefit concert.

I'm sure many of my questions concerning Miley's overall behavior would be cleared up if I just watched the TV show, but that ain't happening, not if I have to endure the severe overacting from the supporting players including Emily Osment (Haley Joel's little sister) as Miley's best friend, or Jason Earles as Miley's goofy brother, or a host of other "actors" who would be just as at home working as a costumed animal at an amusement park. These are the kind of performers for whom dinner theater or cruise ship performing are the desirable goals. Of the bunch, the younger Cyrus certainly has the most charisma, but her acting seems limited to waving her arms around and yelling, or being moody and self-reflective in the rain. And let's not even get into her singing. OK, let's. Her voice, at best, is average. But when combined with these sticky-sweet vanilla tunes, you get nothing of value or substance. Songs about having fun, dancing and getting "crazy" are a joke, and when her new hit "Hoedown Throwdown" (a genre-busting combo of country-western and hip-hop music) is featured as the film's central dance number, well, you'll probably throw up in your mouth a tiny bit. The movie's big bonus is that we get to hear the song once again during the end credits.

I should probably count myself lucky. I never even knew what a Hannah Montana was until her 3-D concert film hit theater last year. But watching her tote around a makeup case that could fit a jumbo jet inside and seeing her get in a fight over a pair of overpriced shoes, I begin to wonder exactly what this movie was telling young girls were the important things in life. This is a story about a girl pretending to be something she is not and being rewarded for it. Much like in the movie Glitter, the lead character is constantly being told what a huge star she is and how great her voice is. HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE is a deplorable bit of self-congratulatory fluff that bears no resemblance to the real world and offers no meaningful guidance to girls who look up to Syrus' accomplishments. I'm not saying every film has to have a clear and wonderful message, and I'm all about escapist entertainment, but there's something sort of gross about the way people dote on Miley and forgive some of her most selfish and indulgent behavior. Director Peter Chelsom has done some truly forgettable films in the past, including SHALL WE DANCE? and SERENDIPITY, but this one takes the cake. And I hope he got paid well for selling his soul to the devil. And in fact watching this movie was like vacationing in one of the levels of Hell. Have fun with the kids!

-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com