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Capone Vs. HANNAH MONTANA!!! Not a good way to start the week…
Hey, everyone. Capone in Chicago here.
There are so many possible ways to begin this review. I'm tempted more than you could possibly imagine to simply begin it by saying the feature film version of the Disney Channel's wildly popular "Hannah Montana" show is complete and utter garbage, filled with shallow characters, poor acting, paint-by-numbers songs and about as many laughs as a documentary about the Hitler invading Poland. But simply summarizing HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE in such a crude (albeit 100 percent accurate) manner would require me to skim right over just what makes this abysmal work not just a prime example of bad filmmaking but also a comment on what society values, youth culture, and how mediocrity and level of success can sometimes have an inverse relationship. All of that said, if you are in possession of a tweenage girl, they are going to go insane for this movie. At least the ones in my audience did, and that just made the whole experience of watching this so much more... memorable.
The film's first major mistake is that it never really explains why Miley Stewart (played by Miley Cyrus' enormous top teeth) has to keep her identity as pop star Hannah a secret. There are some allusions to her wanted to have the option of leading a "normal life" outside of being a singing sensation in her pink and purple world, but nothing in this movie shows any evidence of her life being any easier as Miley. She spends about 75 percent of her time trying to find a private place to change from one persona into the other. Her father Robby (played by Miley's "Achy Breaky" dad Billy Ray Cyrus and his sidekick soul patch) thinks that being Hannah has made Miley forget where she came from and how to appreciate the simple things in life, so he kidnaps her and takes her back to her hometown of Crowley Corners, Tennessee, complete with home-spun characters from Central Casting. We do get to see a little bit of the great Margo Martindale as Miley's grandmother, but we also have to endure the dreamy smile of Lucas Till as Travis, a cowpoke who is working the Stewart farm for the summer. The town center is in jeopardy of being torn up and developed by a greedy land tycoon (Barry Bostwick), and Miley/Hannah must save the day... with a benefit concert.
I'm sure many of my questions concerning Miley's overall behavior would be cleared up if I just watched the TV show, but that ain't happening, not if I have to endure the severe overacting from the supporting players including Emily Osment (Haley Joel's little sister) as Miley's best friend, or Jason Earles as Miley's goofy brother, or a host of other "actors" who would be just as at home working as a costumed animal at an amusement park. These are the kind of performers for whom dinner theater or cruise ship performing are the desirable goals. Of the bunch, the younger Cyrus certainly has the most charisma, but her acting seems limited to waving her arms around and yelling, or being moody and self-reflective in the rain. And let's not even get into her singing. OK, let's. Her voice, at best, is average. But when combined with these sticky-sweet vanilla tunes, you get nothing of value or substance. Songs about having fun, dancing and getting "crazy" are a joke, and when her new hit "Hoedown Throwdown" (a genre-busting combo of country-western and hip-hop music) is featured as the film's central dance number, well, you'll probably throw up in your mouth a tiny bit. The movie's big bonus is that we get to hear the song once again during the end credits.
I should probably count myself lucky. I never even knew what a Hannah Montana was until her 3-D concert film hit theater last year. But watching her tote around a makeup case that could fit a jumbo jet inside and seeing her get in a fight over a pair of overpriced shoes, I begin to wonder exactly what this movie was telling young girls were the important things in life. This is a story about a girl pretending to be something she is not and being rewarded for it. Much like in the movie Glitter, the lead character is constantly being told what a huge star she is and how great her voice is. HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE is a deplorable bit of self-congratulatory fluff that bears no resemblance to the real world and offers no meaningful guidance to girls who look up to Syrus' accomplishments. I'm not saying every film has to have a clear and wonderful message, and I'm all about escapist entertainment, but there's something sort of gross about the way people dote on Miley and forgive some of her most selfish and indulgent behavior. Director Peter Chelsom has done some truly forgettable films in the past, including SHALL WE DANCE? and SERENDIPITY, but this one takes the cake. And I hope he got paid well for selling his soul to the devil. And in fact watching this movie was like vacationing in one of the levels of Hell. Have fun with the kids!
-- Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com
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I will hang out that the Junior High....not at the movies.
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Why the 'Glitter' hate??
-Nick Cannon
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My daughter is making me take her to this. I want to fucking die now.
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That premiered last night in Nashville. You should've told me that you were in town, if you were.
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...it was the best movie of the year!- what am i to believe now? WHAT?!
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I don't get it, it's not like it's in your contract that all movies will be reviewed, we didn't need this story, I didn't read the story I checked to see if anyone else was on this what I hope is a very short talkback-
that is all
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"It was pretty stupid, and dorky guys kept staring at my chest."
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it's my middle child's birthday next week, and we have movie passes. There's no way in hell I'll pay $18 or whatever usurious prices they have without a pass. Also, someone mentioned jailbait. Technically although you can't see her naked until she's 18 (not that I want to then or now), but in some states once you're 16 you can have sex with anyone older than you and it's not against the law. I took a police course, and a 50-year old man can have consensual sex with a 16-year-old even if her parents oppose it, and even though they are responsible for her until she is 18. That is one screwed up law.
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John Cusack is fun to watch, the Kate Beckinsale is hot as hell. As a bonus, you get John Corbett in a movie that rates about a 100 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale (or at least not as intended as it was). It's win-win for everybody.
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...that she had an Uwe Boll-ish boxing match with her critics.
And I might lose all of my credibility with that, but I think that Hannah's "Nobody's Perfect" is a surprisingly catchy song. (And in fact, that's the only of her songs that I know. But it didn't make me check out her other songs anyway.) -
Kim Possible was their only good show and now they got NOTHING!
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why you're reviewing this movie in the first place? I thought aicn was all about adult action/genre movies and tv shows. what are you reviewing next, the Jonas Brothers movie?
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Appreciate the laugh-I almost coughed up my corn flakes!
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And, I don't know why. Oh, and let's try to remember this movie is for the Disney Channel watchers, not the life forms in the rest of the Universe.
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"Goodbye my fans...! Keep rockin'...!"
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Just watch...
Once she becomes too old to be a Disney PRODUCT (NO, not actress. Not singer, but PRODUCT) she will hate her parents and Disney (probably the whole entertainment industry) for letting her become so successful just to have it all taken away from her and letting her think all along that it would last.
She's already a Miss I-Deserve-Everything-In-the-Whole-World and has been caught hanging out with Paris Hilton....
5 years from now it won't be "Hannah Montana: The Movie", it will be "Inside Hanna Montana: The Porno" -
He gushes about EVERY movie. Especially if they pull a bait-and-switch and surprise an audience expecting to see a movie from 27 years ago.
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Should be hilarious.
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...like we really needed that. I full on liked Serendipity but I think it's Cusack and Beckensale's faults. Particularly, Kate's accent. Never saw Shall We Dance, but that looked fun too. Both look infinitely better than...this.
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I think not. Beckinsale. Cusack. Otherwise, great napalming of Miley. Highly entertaining.
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Anyway, I see a lot of movies, but I would never ever lower myself into seeing this.
Firstly, I'm not the target audience.
Secondly, you don't have to actually see this movie to know that it sucks.
Thirdly, what would Disney be without Pixar? They're about the only good thing coming out of Disney these days. -
People were there expecting a screening of the pristine print to "The Lizzie Macguire Movie", and Miley Cyrus came out in the middle of the movie asking if they wanted to see her movie instead.
From what I heard, the audience reaction was split. One half started to throw things at Miley, the other half continued to furiously masturbate. -
Unlike Ms Spears, Miley CAN sing. So in that respect there is some hope for her. Yes, this movie is garbage, but I've heard enough Miley Cyrus from my daughters to know. Oh, and why anyone would use a "quote" from Disaster Movie boggles my mind. People actually watched that shit?
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I mean, well, that's all I need to write, huh?
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Apr 10, 2009 9:06:49 AM CDT
HARRY HAS A BEER AND CHEATS ON SCRIPTGIRL WITH MILEY CYRUS!!!
by mr_incredible
Happy Easter!
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with the Britney Spears sacrifice. The ending with this girl was prophetic, just watch. Fame can ruin a person something fierce.
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I have two daughters under the age of 10 and they were obsessed with Hannah Montana (it seems to have cooled off). These tenage pop acts create a fantasy, princess life for very young girls to vicariously live through. Its the equivelant of Cinderalla. The 16-year-old Britney Spears was the perfect embodiment of that fantasy. Miley Cyrus will go down that same path.
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The wife really wanted to see this. So I am having her take the kids while go see Knowing.
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...I thoguht this movie was supposed to be about her choosing to be either Miley or Hannah, and that it was a vehicle for her to move away from the Hannah/Tweeny crowd to the Miley/Teenage Years. Am I overthinking this?
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to know it's sour. Why is this movie even reviewed on this site? Talk about shooting fish in a barrel. Still, I'm betting Harry would have gushed over it, as he does every piece of shit he "reviews."
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I'd pay good money to see that in 3-D.
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I think you're reaching a bit on bashing their acting talents. They're only as good as their director and they've spent their entire life over acting on a Disney Chanel show.
That Josh Peck guy did a pretty god job in Wackness after a career of over acting children's television. -
One of your best.
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Nice cinematography in this one. Don't shit on the talented filmmakers just because you don't like the plot, dude.
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At some point she is hitchhiking and a MILF in a sports car picks her up...in exchange for the ride__________(you know the rest)...
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i just heard...she's coming to film something in savannah georgia. no idea what....but any stalkers or snipers- heads up.
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yes.
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I don't understand why this $hit "movie" is even mentioned on this ste. Guys, you can say NO to a press invite. Really.
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I know some geeks procreate, but there is no justification for this bullshit.
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seriously, why is this even on here...even the director knew it was going to be shit...i mean come on...Promblem Child was crappy too, oh wait that was for kids too...lets keep movies in context, if Ghandi had muppets it would have sucked, Muppets in Space with muppets may have sucked, but it was entertaining for the age group it was aimed for, which doesn't look at this site!!!!!! Good God whats next reviewing Telletubbies episodes???
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he was the original danny zucko in grease, and of course was in rocky horror....shoulda made this a straight out musical...
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Was getting raped by a gaggle of silver back gorillas not an option?
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By taking over the world he was trying to spare us from shit like Hanna Montana
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Apr 10, 2009 3:41:58 PM CDT
I used the Disaster Movie quote in an ironic sense
by nasty in the pasty
I fucking HATE those movies.
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Thanks brother. I will be there in the moring
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So kids,this aint harmless.
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To make themselves feel better because they cant even make 1 shit film.
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Just wondering...
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why are tweenage girls some of the dumbest creatures on earth?
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you live in Savannah? whoa I live NEAR Savannah! we should hang out....
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Is that they can then turn and rave about how "edgy" and "dark" Observe And Report is, since that makes the resident reviewers feel like they are the Cool Kids Who Really Understand Film. Jesus this place has become so fucking predictable.
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of this 'film', and the accompanying talk backs are the funniest things i've read in the past six months! thanks to everyone
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Never mind for all the usual reasons, but she's essentially growing up and filling out so when they stuff her into that day-glo little girl outfit it's just sick. Sick, dammit!!!!!!
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