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Published on Thursday, April 2, 2009 - 3:02pm |
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Ted's Football Emporium gives us a look at the test screening for NINJA ASSASSIN!!!
Harry here and fucking dying to see NINJA ASSASSIN! This sounds like waiting to get on that SHINING elevator! I can't wait! I really really really want to see this movie. What about you?
Harry and crew,
Just got back from a screening of NINJA ASSASSIN, the new James McTeigue film. Produced by Joel Silver and the Wachowskis. Sold yet? If you weren't sold by the title alone, then you have issues. Ninjas. You hear me? I've had reviews posted before, one very recently, so I figured why not send another your way. That, plus I'm scared ninjas will come after me and slice me in half if I don't.
Let me tell you this, the horror genre should be ashamed of itself. There was so much blood in this movie, it made me question if my body actually has all the blood I saw spilling out of the bodies on screen. Recent horror movies have been sub par. Ninja Assassin paints a way to fix that. Just add more blood. The movie should have been called Blood and Violence. Better yet, Blood and More Blood. Ninja Assassin FUCKING RULES.
I don't scare easily, but I'm kind of freaking out right now. If you're familiar with Robert Hamburger's epic novel REAL Ultimate Power: A Guide to Ninjas, then you will love this movie. If you are not familiar, you will still love this movie. I haven't seen so much violence on screen since Planet Terror or Scarface. Planet Terror was way over the top, and while I don't care for it too much, I have to give Rodriguez props for the amount of blood he spilled. Imagine Oren-Ishii beheading the guy that mouthed off to her at the table, holding his head as blood just gushed the fuck out of his neck in Kill Bill. Now imagine that, but more realistic happening to every fucking person that dies. I wasn't able to keep up on the body count, but I'm confident in saying that there were well over a 100 deaths.
I'll review the movie, SPOILERS BELOW! <>
The movie opens with a tattoo artist giving some gang punk some ink on his back. The punk is whiny about it, crying like a bitch that it hurts to much. The old, wise artist goes on to explain that tattoos show how a man lived his life, the journey he took, etc. The punk asks if he has any tattoos, which the old man does. One right over his heart, a ninja slicing a sword where a giant scar is. The man goes on to say that he had seen "one" once. He won't even utter the word. Ninja. The punk and his friends laugh at the old man, mocking him with the word - ninja, ninja, ninja! An envelope arrives, in it is just black sand. Proceed to the bloodiest opening of movie I have ever seen. Ninjas are the fucking shit. Left and right, bodies are sliced in half. Limbs are cut off. Ninja stars are flying everywhere. If there is darkness, there are ninjas in it. They move in and out of the darkness like ghosts. I have never shit myself in a theatre before, but I almost did out of glee because I knew what I was in for.
Cue the plot of the movie which has to happen to move the story along. Two Interpol agents are working on a case of someone that has mysteriously died. They are brilliantly played by Naomie Harris as Mika, the black chick, and Ben Miles as Douchebag, P.I. (his name was Ryan according to IMDB, but I never heard it). I was being sarcastic when I said brilliant. Epic douche chills whenever they were on screen. Mika wasn't as bad as her co-star. Here's the deal. Mika, is working this case when she comes across some shit that leads her to believe someone was killed by ninjas, and there is 100,000 in Euros floating around or some bullshit. The plot sucked, but Joe Public needs their fucking story laid out in front of them or they don't get it. Apparently, they think there is some ninja clan taking little kids and training them to be full blown assassins. Well gee, they couldn't be more fucking right.
Rain, an actor whom I have never seen pwns this movie. He plays Raizo, orphan turned death machine. In the first 45 min of the film we cut back and forth with Raizo training to be a ninja, with the glue that is Mika and her obsession to find out what happened to this 100,000 in Euros. I'm dropping the subplot of the Euros now, because they did it in the movie too, but just dragged it out. Hold on for some awesomeness.
We see Raizo, held against his will as he is trained by his "father" - the leader of the Nine Clans. Raizo is one of many young children being trained. He learns the ways on the ninja, while so, falling for a girl who is the same age and training with him. Don't remember her name, sorry. She doesn't live too long anyways, so screw it. Raizo develops a bit of a problem with another student who he is training with. Long story short, his problem buddy end up killing his love interest when she is caught trying to escape the training ground.
Mature Raizo, in his twenties is mysteriously given ( AND NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINED ) picture of Mika. Holy shit, he's gonna kill this bitch! No. FAIL. Mika goes home to find that the lights have been cut off for three blocks in her neighborhood. BItch, if there are people, waiting outside your apartment complex, and you have been busy at work all day tracking motherfucking ninjas, are you going to go in your dark apartment? Of course she does. Christ. Dumb broads. So, shit for brains Mika goes on up to her pitch black apartment for god knows what reason ( NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINED ) and is of course attacked by a ninja! Holy shit! Raizo was sent to kill her! No. Raizo was sent to SAVE HER - (insert epic YUCK here). Raizo slices some motherfucking ninja ass apart... in her apartment, and escapes with her. So now we have Mika (the plot) and Raizo (epic awesomeness) together.
Raizo and Mika go, they exchange stories as what they are each looking for. Mika wants to know where these Euros are, Raizo, tells her she is basically dead unless she does what he says. There are some comedic moments which the audience laughed at, including myself, involving Mika's pants size. Raizo and Mika hit it off, so it's obvious that there is a romance blooming. Mika learns that Raizo left the clan/cult he was in and is looking for revenge. Awesome right? Mika tells Raizo she can help him by calling Douchebag, P.I. Raizo agrees, and is obviously trapped by the Douche and the Interpol/Special Forces. The amount of people it takes to trick one Ninja is unbelievable. They capture Raizo like a dog, literally.
So now, we're holed up in some hidden building the Douche, P.I. is running. Mika is pissed she was double crossed by Douchey P.I., and Raizo is chained the fuck down to a wall. Fuck the story, here come ninjas. Thirsty for Raizo's blood. They've been searching for him for years, and now they know where he is. Another epic death scene. Agents bodies being sliced in half, limbs everywhere. Mika helps Raizo escape, but only after turning into every character that has ever had to turn a key in a horror movie. Holy fucking shit, we get it. People get nervous, and they drop their keys. I wouldn't think that an AGENT would be scared shitless and dropping her keys when trying to pull handcuffs off someone. I swear to god, if I could punch film and hurt it, I fucking would. Raizo and Mika escape, EPIC awesome escape sequence. Ninjas fighting on the highway, one of the best HOLY SHIT moments I've seen recently, and bam, onto the third act.
Raizo gets captured by his old clan. Mika plants a special tracking device in him. Here comes the epic fucking battle. ONE, with a SWAT team storming the ninja clan's hideout, 2. an awesome fight between master vs sensei. I have never seen a ninja face Hummers, machine guns or rocket launchers. Until tonight. I witnessed the most over the top violent ending to a movie ever. Mika is killed, thank god, Raizo kills his master, after an EPIC battle.
END SPOILERS.
The movie fucking ruled.
I learned two things. One, ninjas live in the darkness. Two, ninjas will kill the fuck out of me. I couldn't have been happier leaving the theatre. Watching ninjas move in the shadows was amazing. Overall, I give the movie a B+. Rain stole the show. The blood and violence stole the show. I'm scared for my fucking life because of ninjas. I'm going to suck on a bar of xanax and finish they glass of whiskey I poured. I could not be happier that I drove out to watch this movie. Yes, it had it's issues, but when it comes down to it, I was happy that I was just spoon fed an abundance of violence and blood. I'll be there again opening weekend... with a flashlight.
Sleeping with the lights on, if you use this call me, this time,
TED'S FOOTBALL EMPORIUM.
And if you talk-backers bitch about my spelling or use of words again, i'll send a fucking ninja after you.
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Reader Talkback
Cool, and by cool, I mean
totally sweet. by NinjaRap | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:07:37 PM | god I wanted to jump from
treetop to treetop... by FlickaPoo | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:09:22 PM | I keep waiting for the
punchline. by Stryder | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:10:29 PM | And I wanted those cameltoe
foot wrap things. by FlickaPoo | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:10:38 PM | Can't Wait by InfantFinite8 | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:10:58 PM | Right on.... by travis-dane | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:13:12 PM | "Fuck the story, here come
ninjas." by fiester | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:13:29 PM | I was so indoctrinated by
Japanese animation... by FlickaPoo | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:14:34 PM | Fuck pirates, the time of the
NINJAS COME BACK! by Roketopunch | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:16:14 PM | this guy has to be a plant... by andyny29 | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:20:04 PM | Once you go black you never go
back...ALIVE! by CENOBITE | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:21:18 PM | Goddamn by James Westfall | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:27:46 PM | pwn? this movie sounds dumb. by HaterofCrap | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:28:36 PM | "The movie fucking ruled...
buuuut... by vanchimera | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:29:20 PM | We need a good NINJA movie!
All these comics by HollywoodHellraiser | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:33:36 PM | "Cue the plot of the movie
which has to happen to move
the story by D.Vader | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:34:43 PM | Anyone see that douchbag Tatum
Channing in.. by HollywoodHellraiser | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:39:15 PM | Flickapoo by Dingbatty | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:45:24 PM | Sounds fucking awesome. by iamnicksaicnsn | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:45:25 PM | SPEED RACER FUCKING OWNS by Kief_Ledger | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:47:39 PM | "This Movie Rules = B+" by Shepard Wong | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:47:51 PM | This review is covered in
leaves by CHRISTIAN_BALE_TRASHED_MY_LIGH
TS | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:51:03 PM | NINJA ASSASSIN...for your
NINJA ASS!!! by MrMysteryGuest | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:56:26 PM | Starring a cameo by Steven
Seagal as COCKPUNCHER! by MrMysteryGuest | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:57:47 PM | ZOMBIES VS. NINJAS!!! by MrMysteryGuest | Apr 2nd, 2009 03:58:40 PM | Forget The Wachowskis, James
McTeigue, Is A Great Director by Media Messiah | Apr 2nd, 2009 04:32:00 PM | Although... by Fuzzinate It | Apr 2nd, 2009 04:37:24 PM | This vs Wolverine by CRanga | Apr 2nd, 2009 04:38:03 PM | "the plot of the movie which
has to happen to move the
story alo by Prof_Ender | Apr 2nd, 2009 04:43:08 PM | great... by lex romero | Apr 2nd, 2009 04:54:48 PM | CRanga by Cinemanimetal | Apr 2nd, 2009 04:57:37 PM | Reviewer wishes he was Vern or
Neil Cumpton by raw_bean | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:05:57 PM | I hate the title too.... by InfantFinite8 | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:07:07 PM | Ninja Lieutenant by D.Vader | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:09:35 PM | Shô Kosugi returns!!!! NO
FUCKING JOKE! by Lornsorrow | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:15:31 PM | IT WONT BE AS GOOD AS NINJA 3
THE DOMINATION!!!FACT!!! by THEFUCKINGCREEPYTHINMAN | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:16:42 PM | Kief_Ledger, SPEED RACER DOES
INDEED FUCKING OWN!!!FACT!!! by THEFUCKINGCREEPYTHINMAN | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:19:03 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:31 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:32 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:33 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:34 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:35 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:35 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:36 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:36 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:39 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:39 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:39 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:40 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:40 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:40 PM | Reviews! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:23:41 PM | And Laraz gets banned again by D.Vader | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:27:10 PM | I almost freaked out reading
this review by dr sauch | Apr 2nd, 2009 05:43:37 PM | Best Ninja Flick by ultrakev69 | Apr 2nd, 2009 06:14:41 PM | Hey larazzzzzzzzzz by jub3i | Apr 2nd, 2009 06:22:30 PM | Best Ninja Flick by jub3i | Apr 2nd, 2009 06:24:30 PM | Nightmare Scenario by sloanist | Apr 2nd, 2009 06:26:07 PM | By the way, Laraz, I read your
review just now by YackBacker | Apr 2nd, 2009 06:27:03 PM | Ninja 3: the domination... by samuraiyao | Apr 2nd, 2009 07:18:01 PM | Shô Kosugi, IF he in this
then I'm there! by HollywoodHellraiser | Apr 2nd, 2009 08:15:12 PM | Reveng of Laraz! by laraz | Apr 2nd, 2009 09:09:11 PM | WhinyNegativeBitch by HEADGEEK | Apr 2nd, 2009 09:41:00 PM | Dont have to explain the movie
in detail to review it by AwkwardAvenue | Apr 2nd, 2009 09:52:36 PM | Fuck off laraz you bitch by OutlawsDelejos | Apr 2nd, 2009 09:58:09 PM | Car for sale! Car for sale!
Car for sale! by OutlawsDelejos | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:02:34 PM | Car for sale! Car for sale!
Car for sale! by OutlawsDelejos | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:02:55 PM | Car for sale! Car for sale!
Car for sale! by OutlawsDelejos | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:03:19 PM | raw_bean... by kjl451 | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:04:07 PM | by Augi | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:06:35 PM | Shepard Wong... by kjl451 | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:08:54 PM | annoying fake geek Plant
bullshit review by pipergates | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:22:16 PM | Reveng On Laraz by bottombrick | Apr 2nd, 2009 10:33:33 PM | Love the Jimmy Norton
reference by Darth_Gonz | Apr 2nd, 2009 11:52:11 PM | laraz by jub3i | Apr 3rd, 2009 12:26:25 AM | I couldn't follow that review
but- by sonnyfern | Apr 3rd, 2009 02:10:04 AM | Ninja rap by CuervoJones | Apr 3rd, 2009 02:13:09 AM | HOW CAN YOU JUDGE A MOVIE ON A
TEST SCREENING? by silentbobafett2 | Apr 3rd, 2009 02:51:28 AM | speed racer FUCKING SUCKED by Motoko Kusanagi | Apr 3rd, 2009 02:55:09 AM | Ninja v Wakowskis = Movie
fried gold by Col. Tigh-Fighter | Apr 3rd, 2009 07:06:17 AM | SPEED RACER >>>>>>> T2: OLD
ROBOYELLER by LaserPants | Apr 3rd, 2009 07:20:51 AM | "The new James McTeigue
film... by -guyinthebackrow | Apr 3rd, 2009 08:33:07 AM | Best Ninja Movie? by Big_Daddy_Nero | Apr 3rd, 2009 08:36:27 AM | Er, AICN - TEST SCREENINGS
ALWAYS have incomplete fx by silentbobafett2 | Apr 3rd, 2009 08:52:17 AM | OH AND HARRY: WHEN ARE YOU
GOING TO TALK ABOUT AOTC
WORKPRINT? by silentbobafett2 | Apr 3rd, 2009 08:52:50 AM | Is the reviewer 13 years old? by Dhaemon | Apr 3rd, 2009 09:47:50 AM | This Movie isn't about Ninjas by Slaphappy Slim | Apr 3rd, 2009 10:12:41 AM | Melvin Pelvis by Slaphappy Slim | Apr 3rd, 2009 10:14:27 AM | I fear Ninjews by Judge_Dredd | Apr 3rd, 2009 11:43:05 AM | We don't want your Ninja
Assassin Reviews! by jambone | Apr 3rd, 2009 12:46:39 PM | my friends and I used to watch
the old Sho Kosugi by smackfu | Apr 3rd, 2009 03:29:30 PM | Do not bring your ninja evil
here... by MrMysteryGuest | Apr 3rd, 2009 04:03:10 PM | GO NINJA GO NINJA GO!!! by MrMysteryGuest | Apr 3rd, 2009 04:03:59 PM | Speed Racer was GARBAGE by TheWaqman | Apr 3rd, 2009 04:06:07 PM | Never understood the love
Speed Racer gets here.... by TheWaqman | Apr 3rd, 2009 04:06:59 PM | LOL GITS fucking destroys
Speed Racer moron by TheWaqman | Apr 3rd, 2009 04:07:43 PM | Sweet Sweet Irony by TedKordLives | Apr 3rd, 2009 04:53:16 PM | The bar has been set by Arghh | Apr 4th, 2009 01:47:26 PM | RAIN, the Korean lead actor
is.. by moviemo | Apr 4th, 2009 02:07:25 PM | hard to argue with this review by Frietag | Apr 6th, 2009 11:46:08 AM |
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