Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a little update before I catch the 5 ½ hours I get before tomorrow’s Sony presentation. Before the screening of The Soloist today Paramount gave us what appeared to be an extended trailer for GI JOE.

And the theater owners went crazy for it, applauding at the end like they just watched MILLER’S CROSSING. I’m sure they see the dollar signs of a huge budget tent pole movie. It’s a very odd thing, attending ShoWest. There’s a completely different vibe here. The audience isn’t the discerning geek or even more discerning critic audience, but business people. They would be happy if there were tentpole blockbusters released every weekend, so what they react to always fascinates me.

That’s not a bad thing. They just have a different set of values. There are their personal tastes and then the business taste.

So, for business they must look at GI JOE with a much different mindset than I did. What I saw was an amalgam of better Paramount blockbusters, lazy action and dull action scenes without much of a pace. What they saw was millions upon millions of dollars on the screen and the dreams of the crazy amounts of popcorn that will be gobbled up by GI JOE patrons.

I hate to jump onto the Stephen Sommers hate-wagon, but nothing in the footage shown looked like something I’d like. And I can like stupid brainless studio action movies. Okay, I take that back. I’ll always like Sienna Miller in various dominatrix-looking outfits. Looking back on it, there is actually only one Sommers film I am not ashamed for enjoying: DEEP RISING. That’s a goofy, fun movie done right. Big, but not retarded big.

The JOE footage didn’t really tell a story, with mostly action clips cut together. We get that the Joe squad “answers to nobody,” and that Channing Tatum is the new recruit. There’s some okay quick-cut sword fighting with the ninja elements, the villain (Christopher Eccleston), a glimpse at the fucked-up Cobra Commander face you’ve seen on the toy packages, the knowledge that they are using green nanobots that eat through metal as their weapon and that the Joe squad uses robotic supersuits when deciding to kick ass.

My issues with the robot suits… they’re not all that bad, but goddamn it looks like IRON MAN Lite when they move. We got an extended look at the character dodging the missiles on the city streets, jumping around in slow motion and then jumping through the bus and it could have been a cut-scene from IRON MAN… the kind that you’re glad was cut from the movie.

It’s flashy, but not cool.

And then some of the bigger fights had a TRANSFORMERS vibe to it, too, but again not in a good way. In the kind of way that makes you appreciate the hollow effects Bay can produce.

Of the footage, the only thing I walked away with that was positive was that Sienna Miller was looking sexy as The Baroness and looked like she was having a good time.

I saw the COBRA plot to destroy the Eiffel Tower (which they do) with the green glowy nanobots, a scene where one of the Joes were in a jet chasing down a green glowy missile headed for the White House and shooting it down, covering the jet with the metal-eating green glowy things… I guess a sacrificial move, as the White House is saved. Go Joe!

It was just uninspiring, limp. Maybe I’ll get some kind of enjoyment out of the full movie… hell, I almost have to with expectations this low.

But like I said, the theater owners are sure you guys are going to love it… or at least be really hungry for $7 popcorn when you show up to watch it.

Alright, a few hours of sleep for me, then the Sony panel. I’ll report back with what’s what with that tomorrow!

-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com
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