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Harry writes his review FAST & FURIOUS!
Hey folks, Harry here.. Still in lingering agony over a pulled muscle in my back that I can only assume was caused by a banned Talkbacker with a VooDoo Doll ordered from Creepshow magazine.
As Massawyrm pointed out tonight, it is fitting that my back is screaming, because when I was at the screening for the first film for this franchise... I was recovering from some sort of back trauma. I don't remember that part, but I remember the audience. It was a PURE carsploitation genre loving audience. The parking lot was filled with hot rods and low riders. After the film, they began drag racing around the lots - plumes of rubber burning smoke everywhere. Pretty great audience that got me just in the mood for the film.
This time out, it was different. I had a 100 seats to fill in an auditorium that held lots more - so it was a more relaxed screening. There were no cherry whacked out vehicles out front. And I know I might not seem like a gearhead, but there was a point where I could & did strip down an engine - and loved the Zen of working on a car. Made me feel like Luke Skywalker tooling away on a droid or his landspeeder... Going to a Western Auto or an Auto Zone was like going to pick up some Power Converters.
These 4 FAST AND FURIOUS movies are a solid goofball run on the Carsploitation Genre.
Now - they're not THE GREAT CAR MOVIES OF ALL TIME, but they more solidly exist within a fantasy gearhead universe that I kind of adore.
The worst film of the franchise is the 2nd. The best film was the first one. Lastly the most fun was TOKYO DRIFT - simply because it was just ludicrously fun.
So where does this newly tooled tricked out FAST AND FURIOUS settle down?
Well - there's still a race. There's still crazy high speed criminal activity. And there's some crazy awesome at play throughout. Biggest issue this time out is a bit of uneven storytelling that hurts what at times feels like the best of the series.
What is Great?
VIN DIESEL.
For a goodly portion of FAST AND FURIOUS - they seem to want to apply the mentality of Film Noir to their own particular brand of carsploitation. In particular - Vin Diesel is playing a character that is three quarters Billy Jack and one quarter Moose Malloy - shaken and poured into Mr Clean's idealized body! Something has gone rotten in Toretto's life - I'll let the film play it out for you, but he's hungry for blood. And there is a glorious bit of Vin just stomping gum and chewing ass for a part of this movie. Then there's a point where the film just kinda plopped into the FAST AND FURIOUS Mold. He's still driven by revenge, but it seems they begin putting more and more of Paul Walker's Brian O'Conner into play.
Honestly, Vin Diesel is the star of this franchise. He's just. His name, his voice... he's created for this character. (psst... and Riddick)
Jack Conley's PENNING!
Jack's Penning is so much fun. He's a fantastic character, he plays the FBI agent running the operation that Paul Walker is on. You see - there's a mysterious man running an operation where illegal street racers are being brought into the country to drive loads of narcotics into this country - in quantities far greater than any trafficking business in recorded criminal history. Whoever runs it is a smokes and mirrors guy - they're not even sure if he exists, no photos, fingerprints, voice recordings... they have NO evidence of his existence beyond the fact everything points at him. PENNING's team hasn't been doing particularly good on this case, so he activates a suspended former agent, our boy Brian to infiltrate with his awesome Car savvy and not end up dead like every other dead agent they sent in.
Now Vin and Brian's interests and motivations are not exactly the same. Brian wants the "invisible man" and Vin wants to KILL... PAINFULLY... The Invisible Man's tattooed Oddjob fella.
This leaves the gal parts pretty much short and sweet. Jordana Brewster is beautiful and cute as aways, but her part is an after thought here. She's on screen to tear up, to smile, to hug and to begin kitchen sex - which is so far beneath the standard bearer of Kitchen Sex... Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange in the remake of THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE. But, that's probably just me. Sigh.
Now - you want to know about the car stuff. It is decidedly less silly than that "drifting lunacy" in the last film, which technically happens - probably two movies after this one - at least.
Also - it should be noted that Paul Walker's face has finally matured to the point that he is now very tolerable on screen. He's also dropped the Keanu act. Blessedly. In many ways - he feels like a fully developed version of his original character - who has learned a great deal since that first experience. He also thinks he knows the lay of the land. He kinda does. But he still isn't worthy of one of Vin's follicles. And we all know how dear those are to Vin!
Speaking of Vin, I just want to go back to him. This time out, Vin Diesel is some sort of Road Jedi. There's an awesome, prepare to majorly suspend your suspension of belief, moment where Vin comes to the site of his tragedy (of which he was not a part of) and just looking at the road - he can see everything that happened. Including both cars - their makes and tire brands. He's like an asphalt Chingachgook mixed with a bit of Magua. It is very very cool.
The car sequences push believability - in the same awesome craziness we've come to expect from this series.
Though I am still hoping for a stand alone TORETTO movie - where Vin's Dominic is the central and main focus of the film. Vin has transformed his character with this storyline into a Thinking Man's Thug. He's a man with a code to live by and kill by. A tad of his Riddick abilities leak in here - in terms of his ability to constantly be several steps ahead of everyone else - and to do it with heaps of relish.
What's wrong?
Every attempt at romance. It just plays forced and will cause giggles, rolled eyes and sighs from the audience, and not the heart thumping sighs Romance is meant to cause.
This is very nearly a better film than the first - the parts that rule here, are the best parts of the series. The best thing that could have happened in this film - would have been has Sung Kang's Han had been the other MAIN character of the film - working with Toretto to exact his revenge. Alas - we get just the slightest glimpse of that awesome pairing.
If you like this series - you're going to LOVE this! If you don't - the film will have its moments, but it won't convert you to the series if you've dismissed it. While this is a sequel to the original we've been waiting for, it acknowledges the other installments smartly.
Do you think the next one will be called FAST, FURIOUS!?!?
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+ Expand All
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I'm first fuckers, and this is my first post ever!
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Something along the lines of Pitch Black would be sextacular.
I agree with Harry that the first and third films are just goofy fun and it's nice to finally have somewhat of a direct sequel to the original.
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You know it.
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i truly do dig this series. i remember loving the first one to pieces and the sequels to lessening degrees thereafter. and the one thing that had been a little downturned at the lip was the lack of Vin D. This, however, looks to be a return to form. I'll be cruising in my ford when i see this one....
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congrats...you are also the first to be thought of as an asswipe by me today too. enjoy the post fun...
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Back trauma sucks. I have a herniated disc, L5 S1. Man...pain is unbearable. You have my sympathies dude.
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Sorry, I couldn't resist my first first but I really want to act respectable now. I know how annoying those things are. And I haven't seen any Fast and Furious films but plan to see this one.
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After all, he was a major player in a Joss whedon show and we all know how AICN gets major hardons for that guy...so give Krevlornswath a nice tribute, huh?
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series
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Makes me want to watch this movie. Vin can be a hell of an actor, did anyone see find me guilty? great stuff
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they are just dumb, dumber and dumbest so far. But I love 'em!! Looking forward to this one.
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Diesel is cool. No doubt about it.
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Just "F&F" Then it will be followed by "Fffffffffff" and the the saga will close with a movie that doesn't even have a title, but will just have the image of a car swooshing by on the poster and/or screen. that final one will be referred to as "Ffffffffff Swoosh."
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Brody77: Agreed. Sad news day for Angel fans. First glenn Quinn now Andy. Motfils: You broke your "First" cherry without the prequisite "FIRST!"
For that, I am grateful. -
my M didn't work :(
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Yesssss!!! Now where did I put that fucking Zippo lighter?
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Mar 31, 2009 3:09:18 AM CDT
Best comment I saw when the "Fast & Furious" title was announced
by ravetin
..."I guess 'Cars' was already taken."
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Mar 31, 2009 3:51:43 AM CDT
there was a point where I could & did strip down an engine
by mister mcclane
Is there nothing you cannot do or have not loved at some point, Harry?
Seriously though, good review. Looking forwards to it. Watching them each morning to refresh for a screening on Thursday. -
Not a pinch of salt either, I'm talking about a gargantuan asteroid size grain, if you know what I mean.
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She pissed me off in pretty much everything I saw her, mostly because she always played the tough girl and did it with a strange grimace, that makes 24's Chloe look like a nice and likeable person.
But two weeks ago the cast of F&F was in a German Late Night Show and you wouldn't believe how charming and funny she can be, when she doesn't have to play tough. (She had a loud laughing fit when she found out that the German title of 'The Pacifier' was 'The Babynator'.)Now I can even see her as the lead in a RomCom or something like that!
So if you hear in the news about Michelle Rodriguez' trouble with a stalker, they are talking about me. I will wave at the camera for you when the police beats the crap out of me. -
Which German Late Night Show were you watching? And do a lot of celebrities appear on that German Late Night Show?
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Mar 31, 2009 4:30:43 AM CDT
PEOPLE HAVE DIED IN MY CITY BECAUSE OF THESE FUCKING MOVIES
by thefuckingcreepythinman
After The Fast & The Furious came out in 2001 there was an increase in the number of accidents reported in Hamilton, Ontario and across Canada as a result of fucking morons drag racing down the streets. Now, whenever some dipshit goes on a murder spree and the media tries to blame it on some movie, such as the Virginia Tech murderer holding a hammer and the media trying to tie that to Oldboy etc…, I’m the first person to argue that movies don’t cause these things to happen and that they only appeal to lunatics who are predisposed to violence and they would have killed anyway. But in the case of TF&TF I have to reluctantly agree that these movies have influenced a wave of fucking morons to go drag racing around our cities. The most infamous case here in Hamilton was when a man was hit by a car that was racing down the street so fast that he was cut in half by the impact. Then there is the small matter of a dumb whore that I had to verbally bitch slap a few weeks after TF&TF came out. I was talking with a friend when this girl, that my friend knew, pulled up along side of us and started asking if we knew where any drag races were being held. I asked her if she meant on dirt roads and she said “oh, no I mean on the main streets”!?! I fucking laid into her about what a dumb fucking cunt she was and how fucking morons like her get people killed.
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Mar 31, 2009 4:32:28 AM CDT
I GOT MY EXPLODING CIGARS FROM THE BACK PAGES OF CREEPSHOW!!!
by thefuckingcreepythinman
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I sat behind harry tonight ajhnd watched this movie, For the most part, he is right on with his review...unless I was on the take also. DUM DUM DUMMMMM!!!
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I loved Tokyo Drift!!! Univeral should give him a series of big blockbusters and potential franchises to direct. Make the investment in this director, he is worth it. I nominate him to direct the next Riddick film!
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It was 'TV Total' and from time to time they got some great guests and interview partners there (Which is the only reason why to watch it, because otherwise it's a bad, bad, bad show.)
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"Fast and Furious: Fifth Gear".
Going to a press screening for this tonight, looking forward to 2 hours of brainless fun and fast cars. -
Mar 31, 2009 5:45:45 AM CDT
This shouldn't have gotten past one movie and you want a fifth?
by juansanchez
It will be interesting to see how this does. It really feels like both Diesel and Walker had their shots and missed - especially Vin, cause Walker was never gonna be a big star but Vin had the potential early on.
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Sounds like something they would do in the porno version of thie series, "The Ass & The Bootiest." Btw what about Lucas Black? He should at least cameo in this.
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Sounds like something they would do in the porno version of thie series, "The Ass & The Bootiest." Btw what about Lucas Black? He should at least cameo in this. I'll definitely be seeing this cuz the beginning flick takes me back to better times
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A more environmentally friendly film. I am actually looking forward to this movie in a weird way. I think it's mainly the nostalgia of how stupidly cool the first film was to many people.
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Oh, screw it. I'm there on friday. I fucking love those retard movies.
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I'm not giving up on this genius title for the fifth film...
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4Fast 4Furious was still a better name
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written by Enid Blyton on speed!
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Mar 31, 2009 9:30:29 AM CDT
"there was a point where I could & did strip down an engine"
by themasterofnonsense
My ASS.
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I'm glad you reviewed this, though. (sarcasm)
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direction is less old school and more videoclipistic.
thats why i liked Death Race better.i want to have realistic stunts,rather than stunt full of sfx.i still laugh when the cars in FnF,enter 'warp speed' and the camera view is getting fish view distorted.u gotta love the mtvish cinematography style. -
..one of the worst reviewers in the history of cinema.
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Tokyo Drift was kinda overlooked, which is a shame, since it delivered the fun and style. Glad Mr. Lin got another shot, but why oh why did they move from June to April!? Kiss of death, right there.
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Yeah fuckers! I'm the slowest muddaflicker here!
Sorry.
Just thought I'd try it on for size. See if it fit.
Sorry. -
Theres your next title in te francise. Your welcome.
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THIS is what we like to read. THIS is what you need more of- not that drunken bafoonish attempt at writing that was that bullshit Star Trek/hipster/Marley and Me gobbledygook.
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That's the next sequel, Diesel and Walker seeing how fast they can really go...
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How come we never got a Twister spinoff?
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The Day The Vin Stood Still. Just re-shoot it, photoshop Keanu's hair to blond so he becomes Walker, then replace the robot with Vin... Except he doesn't break apart into little bugs, he just decimates the world with his Riddick eye stare.
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You knowz it bitches... (I apologize, I've had a few beers for lunch :-)
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The F&F african safari...
The F&F mexican(no offence) border...
The F&F antartican rush...
The F&F space rovers... -
They're just stupid fun.
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I actually met Michelle Rodriguez. She bought some stuff from my shop when she was filming "The Breed" (yes, I know.... horrible) in South Africa which we shipped back to her. From all the 'celebrities' I have seen/met she was by FAR the sweetest and most approachable. And gorgeous too!
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Wasn't Vin Diesel supposed to be in that or something?
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No, Vin was in The Rundown, also with Paul Walker. The Rock is in Spyhuntar...
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We need a movie with Vin and The Rock, perhaps in "Soldier 2: Wrath of Kurt. They could fight Kurt Russell and Van Damme. Talk about scoopable testosterone... :-)
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"2 scoops of vanilla testosterone in a sugar cone please"
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it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.Yep. I still like the random facts.
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Vin Diesel can peel rubber on the toilet.
Vin Diesel beats up bad guys on the other side of the world when he blinks.
Vin Diesel flexes hi pinky toe and all of his clothes rip.
Chuck Norris polishes Vin Diesel's car in the dark. -
Mar 31, 2009 3:12:43 PM CDT
So it was good Harry because the Audience liked it?
by nobody_touches_buddy_revell
and really, sucks you're in pain and all..but no one gives a shit about your fucking back..this isn't your diary
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Your comment about Harry's diary brought disturbing images of Harry as a bobbi-soxer. Ain't it cool, Diary? Isn't Vin the dreamiest?
That actually tells me how to read Harry's interviews. It's like the teenage girl who begins each new breath with "well, anywaaaaaay." Ignore it, and then read Massawyrms report. -
When he wrote that batshit crazy Marley & Me "article"?
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but then again, i didnt see the first 3 either
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Mar 31, 2009 4:21:15 PM CDT
I love questioning authority, I love what newest in stores, albe
by bmacsmith
"I love questioning authority, I love what newest in stores, albeit slightly aloof in my following of any modern clothing trend other that the ridiculously lost nature I find the person in the mirror wearing."
hard to take him seriously with writing skills like that. -
I would never defend a Fast and Furious movie, but these seriously entertain me, and that's what they're meant to do.
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It'll never happen, but it should.
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fuckit, cross them over already.
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or alternatively: "Fast And Furious: Revenge of the The"
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guys, get on over to the darkhorizons website and read their review of this movie. almost pissed myself laughing at Garths take on it.....
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but I'm guessing Harry used the term 'cum soaked rocket ride' at least twice.
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I should have hated it, but I didn't. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.
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Harry's nearly incoherent review of "Marley & Me" must have been written while he was under the influence of back meds. Harry, please tell me what kind you are taking so I can get some. I too once had a severe back injury, and it left me on the floor of my town house for several days. I did not get back surgery, due to a lack of health insurance, and that was because the evil Bush administration didn't give a fuck about the working man. Oh well, Obama is the man now. Anyway, what fixed my back problem was doing abdominal crunches every morning. It didn't do anything at first, but after about six months I noticed that when my back went out, my ad muscles were able to hold me up. Normally, when my back went out I would be unable to walk. I doesn't matter if you are still fat, because I am still fat. However, under my fatness are strong abs, and I have not had back problems in years. It just takes a few minutes every morning of basic ab crunches. I would try that Harry, and taking back meds also helps, especially the good ones that you are on.
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Doesn't watch his films.
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There's a lot of dull and mean spirited idiocy in this talkback but 'Fast and the Furian' is genius
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Where's the TFATF:TD review where the plant reviewer said they came out of the theater after the movie and all the kids were drifting around the parking lot in their cars? Good times.
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just so much bad english.
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...it was coated in Adamantium...
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These films are so shit.
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Only because the 1st is pretty good for this kind of nonesense. I dig it in someway and will see 4. Didnt read the review.
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Now that would be a fucking hilarious movie.
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At least Johnson tries to branch out and seems to be pretty intelligent. Listening to Vin on the Pitch Black commentary i could swear he was either drunk or retarded.
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It didn't have Paul (Wait, you mean they're paying me for this?) Walker in it.
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This franchise just feels so bland. It never really goes for the balls, the car stuff is average, the characters are kinda blah...this stuff should be pure exploitation fun, not generic action drivel. Might see this though. There's nothing else out right now.
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of all time. Not "ludicrously fun*, but ridiculously STUPID. A fucking abomination of a movie.
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and it will feature 85 minutes of Paul Walker masturbating to a NOS cylinder.
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TOKYO DRIFT is my favorite of the series, because it is indeed as Harry said THE MOST FUN. It tells a simple honor/revenge story in the classic tradition, has all kinds of mentor/student heroism going on, is about a guy learning about another culture and finding himself in that culture. It's got great races, fun characters and a great moral at the end. My biggest disappointment after the ending of TOKYO DRIFT with FAST AND FURIOUS is I guess there is absolutely -no- connection with the characters of DRIFT in this even though the end of TOKYO DRIFT links the movie to Vin's character!
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Sorry, just had to say that after reading Harry's review. Sounds like Toretto needs a Short Round to keep him from fucking anything that moves.
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Huh?
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These titles are getting more and more ridiculous. The number system doesn't work anymore.
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No there is no way it can be the worst motherfucking movie, because Marley and Me exists.
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Apr 01, 2009 4:57:11 AM CDT
Hmm, Harry kinda loves it. Then you gotta be cautious.
by motoko kusanagi
Ah, what the hell. I'm gonna watch it anyway. I love cars.
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...but there was something about the first film that I loved. I don't know if it was just that I saw it with a bunch of really good friends or what, but parts 2 and 3 did NOTHING for me. The trailer for this looks decent enough and I'll definitely see it on DVD. I'm viewing this as the first true sequel in the series.
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I see Stefan Raab is the presenter of TV Total. I can now imagine why it's often a bad, bad, bad show. :-) But I will keep it in mind to check it out.
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So, is this flick a prequel then? If I recall, Han got blowed up real good in Tokyo Drift.
Also, for the people asking about the Andy Hallet talkback, it's over in Coaxial. -
It's the only one I like, since when is it a bad one?
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I apologize if this joke has already been made...several dozen times.
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entertain only the lowest common denominator. If you spent money on these films in any way you should be forcefully sterilized.
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The Fast and the Furious
2 Fast 2 Furious
Fast and Furious
TFaTF: Tokyo Drift -
Are you fucking kidding me?
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why are you talking about forcefully sterilizing people? it's a movie. you need to chill.
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HEY, FAT BASTARD, WHERE IS THE REVIEW? ALL I SEE ARE A BUNCH OF WORDS THAT A TWO YEAR OLD PUT TOGETHER.
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... after watching Adventureland, and I have to say that it's tragic how many people liked this movie in the audience. They cheered at points and shit. I, on the other hand, want my 2 hours back. The film is crap, the director has no clue what directing is. Hell, even the action sequences where poorly done. Worst thing about the film is the ending though, just idiotic.
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Stupidest thing ever said by a human being. And Harry can't even strip down to his undies without sweating buckets of sweat, much less a car. Fat fuck.
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Vin's lastest movie, "Fast & Furious", had a $72.5 million opening weekend. He has informed his manager and friends that he will go back to being an asshole again.
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I watched both Fast and Furious and Adventureland. Both were good times. One was sweet and the other was sour. I liked both. It's not tragic that so many people liked this film any more than it's tragic that people like to eat candy. It's ok to enjoy simple pleasures.
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to go to the movies, i have so much fucking fun, i just get stupid, like the movie, and i love it, because it's stupid, and it's cool to be stupid, and to watch stupid things, and to acknowledge that they're stupid but still appreciate them (not even ironically), because i have a dumb switch in my brain, which a lot of my smart friends don't have, as if smarts weren't like gears! as if smarts weren't like degrees!
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candy is not a crime! candy is not a funeral! candy is in the mouth! kind of like an analogy! candy is not "don't let me be lonely" candy is sweet! movies are like candy! popcorn is not like candy!
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at how unintellectually i am not pretending to not be!
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A few years ago, when he first appeared on the scene, he was on LENO thanking LENO for being the first to believe in him. Then lo and behold he appears on LETTERMAN giving the EXACT SAME SPEECH. How dumb does VD think we are? VD that name fits him very well indeed. VD, VD, VD, VD, VD, VD, VD, VD, VD, now everyone clap or is it has the clap?
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People still pay money to see his movies. Vin Diesel's last few movies have been box office disasters, so he has gone back to the well for F & F. As I said before, now that he is a "movie star" again, he will go back to being the biggest asshole in Hollywood. Vin had to actually kiss ass again in order to get this movie made. Now, he can return to his former, movie star status and make unreasonable demands through his manager. BTW, I didn't see Fast & Furious, and I refuse to pay money to see this asshole in any movie. Maybe his next movie will be a sequel to The Pacifier.
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Why is it that all of Harry's reviews are reviews of his experiences watching the movie, or his shitty life as it relates to the subject matter of the film, and not an actual review of the film itself? Im seriously annoyed by this bullshit.
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I just saw this and it was utter crap, I don't know what movie the AICN writers saw, but the one I watched was a dis-jointed mess with too much CGI instead of real stunts.
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Respect the Vin.
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